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[Eleanor is showing an old news reel featuring her coming out at a débutante ball and J. Edgar Hoover in drag
] Jay Sherman
: Hey, look, Mom. You and Hoover came out on the same day. Eleanor Sherman
: Don't you say that about your Uncle Edgar!
: God love her, Mom, I couldn't change her mind. But you should be proud she has your will. Eleanor Sherman
: She may have my will, but she doesn't have my gun!
: I forgot what a marvelous dancer you are. Franklin
: And I forgot to turn the oven off.
[scene cuts to the Sherman Mansion, now on fire
: Burn, baby, burn!
: Hi Ma, how do you like the tux? Eleanor
: Oh, Jay, you look good enough to bury!
[first lines of the series
] Jay Sherman
: [answering the phone
] Hello? Eleanor Sherman
: Jay, this is your mother. Your father and I are taking you out of our will. We feel you already have enough money. Oh, yes, and happy birthday.
: Can't one dinner go by where we don't talk about your rotting corpse?
[Duke has just revamped Jay's show in an attempt to raise ratings, with Jay acting as a ventriloquist's dummy
] Kareem Abdul-Jabbar
: Welcome to "Coming Attractions." I'm Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, and this is Little Knothead. Jay Sherman
: This is so demeaning. I have a PhD in film! Kareem Abdul-Jabbar
: Okay, Dr. Knothead, why don't you sing "John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt" while I drink a glass of water. Jay Sherman
] John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt / That's my name too! I spit in the water. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar
: [spits water
] Knothead! Franklin Sherman
: [the Shermans are watching
] Didn't we used to have a Knothead doll? Eleanor Sherman
: That was our son!
: Mom, Dad, I never made you laugh? Franklin
: Well, I did chuckle a bit when you tried to eat that bird and fell over the cliff. Eleanor
: No, Franklin, that was the Roadrunner. Jay Sherman
: No, that was me.
: First he stole my butler, now he's stealing my daughter! Franklin Sherman
: Well, he won't steal the silverware. I've glued that to the ceiling.
[Pan up to the ceiling, showing silverware and an upside-down dog
] Jay Sherman
: Uh, dad? I understand the silverware, but why the dog? Franklin Sherman
: You understand the silverware? Heh, heh! Cuckoo!
: Franklin, my life is an endless grey corridor. Franklin
: Hmm, I've been there too. Usually there's a midget making googly eyes at me. I call him Mr. Picolini.
: What's going to happen to our darling little boy? Franklin Sherman
: Don't worry, my darling. I have friends in high places who'll take care of everything.
[Franklin is in the Oval Office and is greeted by President Bush
] President Bush
: Franklin, great to see you. Been years. Franklin Sherman
: Mr. President, my son is being held hostage in Iraq, and I need you to save him. Now, I've given money to the Republicans for years and never asked for anything in return. President Bush
: You asked to be Secretary of Balloon Doggies! Franklin Sherman
: I didn't ask to be Secretary of Balloon Doggies. The balloon doggies demanded it!