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Quotes for
Skiff (Character)
from Planet 51 (2009)

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"American Dad!: Star Trek (#1.15)" (2005)
Francine Smith: The only good hairdresser in town is Mr Beauregard, and it's impossible to get an appointment unless you know somebody.
Klaus: But Francine, you do know somebody. You know Roger. Oh, wait, he's just a nobody.
Roger the Alien: [gasps] Don't... cry... in front of the fish!

Roger the Alien: It's not silly juice, it's necessary juice!

Roger the Alien: [Sees a Planet of the Apes ornament] This bust of Ben Stiller is hideous. But it's mine!

Roger the Alien: [while reading US Weekly] Stars. They're just like us. Ooh! Here's Tara Reid buying a gallon of vodka and a case of morning-after pills. I drink gallons of vodka. I should be a star.

Roger the Alien: Oh, my God, Stan! How upset are you? Seriously, on a scale from one to pissed? Oh, who gives a flying fig? I'm a star!

Roger the Alien: Oh, my God! It's happening for me. I'm almost a star. Oh! There's my cell phone. Oh, my God! It's Johnny Depp.
[pretending to talk on the phone]
Roger the Alien: Deppster! What's shaking?
Klaus: That's not a cell phone. That's a bar of soap you painted black.
Roger the Alien: Yeah, hang on, J.D. Watch it, Klaus or I'm gonna cram this bad boy 20,000 leagues up your butt.

Steve Smith: [to Roger] Wait, you were trying to kill me? So this is all your fault.
Roger the Alien: Oh, yeah. Blame the alien. The cops will eat that up. Sorry, pal, you're going to jail where they're gonna take your cherry Jell-O away in the lunch line after you're raped in the shower.

Roger the Alien: Au revoir, stardom.
[pushes a cinder block which drags the Roger doll to the bottom along with Steve off the boat and into the water]
Roger the Alien: Oh, did I tie that to Steve's ankle? Guess I'm clumsy like he wrote in the book. How do like that ending, Steve?

"American Dad!: Cops & Roger (#5.14)" (2010)
Roger: My piece!

Roger: Somebody, please! My name is Clive Trotter and I'm an American, and I am in trouble!

Roger: Steve, you have to help me. I can't stop thinking about what happened. Francine got mugged and I just sat there. I was useless and pathetic and weak. How do you live with yourself when you feel that way?
Steve Smith: I guess most people just...
Roger: No, I'm talking about you specifically. How do you, Steve, live with yourself?
Steve Smith: Charming. This side of you is charming.

Roger: Once upon a time, there was a little alien who went to the police academy.
[imitates the "Charlie's Angels" opening credits and the kitchen explodes, causing Francine to scream]
Roger: Had to blow up the kitchen, Frannie. It goes real well with this thing I'm imagining.

Steve Smith: You joined the police academy, Roger? Sounds pretty bad-ass.
Francine Smith: Steve, language!
Roger: Shut the fuck up, Frannie. The boy's expressing himself.

Roger: [about his exam] Why is this wrong? Next to "Miranda rights" I put, "Miranda has the right to a decent man who will help her raise her baby." Are these questions not about Sex and the City?

Roger: I'm tired of being weak! Help me!
Stan Smith: I've been waiting to hear those words for a long time. I just prayed they would come from my son and not an alien in a sports bra.
Roger: It's a support tank. It's too small. It rode up my belly.

Roger: Chaz, can you take me home? My tummy doesn't feel so good. I should have just had sex with that mayonnaise.

"American Dad!: An Incident at Owl Creek (#5.17)" (2010)
Stan Smith: [while telling a joke] What are the three rings of marriage? The first one's the engagement ring, the second one's the wedding ring and the third one? The "suffer"-ring.
[everyone laughs]
Roger the Alien: Stan, that's not a good joke 'cause it's not racist.

Hayley Smith: [after Stan poops in Buckle and Sharri's pool] I was in the pool when he did it. I was at Ground Zero.
Roger the Alien: Hayley, it's not okay to use that term. I was actually at Ground Zero. I was the first one on the scene selling erotic T-shirts: "Osama Bin Sexy," "Sexy Bin Laden" and "Yo Mama Bin Farting." That last one was not erotic to everybody.

Roger the Alien: [about the new town the Smiths will be living in] Let's just hope it has what every other small town in America has: Cheap and plentiful methamphetamines.

Stan Smith: [to his family] We can be together again! I've got a plan.
Roger the Alien: Does that plan include explaining why a footless blind man is giving an expert bajowski to our baggage handler?
[looks outside the window]
Roger the Alien: Admire the skills!

Roger the Alien: I don't know. Obama may be black, but I bet he keeps his butt clenched like he's white. That's from my stand-up routine. Check it out. You ever notice when a black man poops in the pool, he's like, "Yo, check it," but then when a white guy poops in a pool, he's all, "Oh, my. I'm defecating in the swimming receptacle."

Roger the Alien: White mission control be all, "Uh, we are clear to initiate landing sequence for space shuttle Atlantis," but black mission control be all, "Get out of the way. Here comes the shuttle!"

Roger the Alien: Inserting laxative into hot dog "A." Inserting hot dog "B" into my "A."

"American Dad!: Rough Trade (#1.17)" (2006)
Roger the Alien: Hawaii... that's where Japan goes to play golf.

Roger the Alien: I've waited my whole life to do this. The finger pyramid of evil contemplation. Feels good.

Roger the Alien: So, were you serious about trading places?
Stan Smith: Hey, you want to start a job, pay the bills, deal with everyone's problems? Be my guest. When it all gets too much for you, I'll be getting drunk up in the attic.

Roger the Alien: Cops already? What, are we next door to a freakin' Krispy Kreme?

Roger: Those chocodiles, oh my God, these chocodiles, oh my God, these chocodiles, oh my God!

Roger: Pretty sure I asked for pecan sandies.

"American Dad!: G-String Circus (#5.8)" (2009)
Roger the Alien: Pillow Fight!
[clocks the hooker, knocking her out]
Roger the Alien: Whoops, forgot I put some sodas in there...

Roger the Alien: [to Stan] I'll take your advice if it's love advice. So my man say he been working late, but then Trina call me and tell me she seen his ass in the club. But then when I ask him about this nonsense, he tells me he loves me. How do I make him tell me the truth, but keep our love million-dollar strong?

Hayley Smith: [to Roger about his disguise] Are you supposed to be pregnant or fat?
Roger the Alien: Eight months preggers. They don't make you buy the two-drink minimum when you're knocked up.

Roger the Alien: [to Stan as he's dancing] Look at me like you're a virgin!

Roger the Alien: I made it rain, made it rain. I made it rain on them boys!

Roger the Alien: [while dressed up as a doctor] You know, the thing about working in a hospital is if you don't have a funny black friend, things get pretty boring.
Turk: Vanilla Bear! Let's go grab a beer and see what Carla and the mean janitor are doing.
Roger the Alien: Aah! Take whatever you want!

"American Dad!: Blagsnarst, a Love Story (#9.23)" (2014)
Roger the Alien: [while in the bathtub with Hayley] Baths are so great 'cause the toilet's right there, you know? No stress.

Roger the Alien: [while clinging to Francine] Hugs, not drugs. That's what I say. I'm also on drugs.

Francine Smith: Roger, I'm glad you're not straddling me anymore, but you're ruining your Build-A-Bear.
Roger the Alien: Hey, if he doesn't like it, he can say something. That's why I gave him three mouths. Well, that's not why.

Roger the Alien: Um, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna take Qurchhhh upstairs and
[makes a spit sound]
Roger the Alien: all over her.

Roger the Alien: [to Klaus] Oh, geez. So you were in here last night?
Klaus: I tried to look away, but I couldn't. It was so horrible. Like looking at the ass of God.

Qurchhhh: [to Roger] I know I need a disguise, but won't it look strange, you checking into a romantic B&B with your dog?
Roger the Alien: Well, if anyone asks, I'll just explain that I'm banging my dog. That should stop the questions.

Planet 51 (2009)
Skiff: I love fake-alien-poop day.

Skiff: [looking up at movie poster sign] There it is. Just two more days.
Eckle: Wow. Humaniacs III: The Final Battle for Our World.
Skiff, Eckle: Victory or extinction!
Lem: If you guys go in costume, I'm pretending we never met.
Eckle: Did you just say what I think you just said?
Lem: I'm a planetarium professional now. I don't have time for kids' movies anymore.
Skiff: [gasps] Kids' movies? I suppose next you'll say aliens don't exist!
Lem: Duh!
Skiff: Ha! Just as I thought! You're not Lem. You're an alien zombie, like in Humaniacs II.
Lem: Skiff, I'm not a zombie.
Skiff: Yeah, that's what you zombies are programmed to say. Tell me something the real Lem would know.
Lem: Well, I know Skiff is the only nutcase who thinks the government is hiding all alien evidence in Base 9. And you give candy to your puppy so he'll poop jelly beans.
Eckle: [exclaims in disgust]
Skiff: It was just an experiment.

Lem: A cork?
Skiff: It's your best defense against the aliens' favorite form of research. The probe. You put it...
[points at his butt]
Lem: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think I get it.
Skiff: Oh, wait. This is yours. I already used that one.

Skiff: [looks at Chuck who is naked] That's a funny place for his antenna.

Skiff: [to Captain Baker] If you have to do a number 1, use these papers. If you have to do a number 2, go outside. And, if it's number 3, I can't help you.

Eckle: That's our planet after the attack of the Humaniacs. They're gonna eat our brains for dinner!
Lem: Everybody, please, that's ridiculous.
Skiff: Totally ridiculous! Brains for dinner? Come on! Brains are breakfast with cereal and milk. Dinner is organs and eyeballs.

"American Dad!: Bar Mitzvah Hustle (#4.14)" (2009)
Roger: You hustling me, boy?

Roger: I'll be Ernest Shlumpel, Etan's long-lost great uncle. When the Nazis annexed Alsace-Lorraine in 1940, Ernest fled to Mykonos where he invented a kosher lubricant that tastes like whitefish salad...
Steve Smith: You're playing a waiter.
Roger: But I've been developing my Alsace-Lorraine Mykonos accent.
Steve Smith: You're not doing an accent.
Roger: [gets up close to Steve menacingly] Oh, yeah? You son of a bitch. You know I'm not a fighter.

Roger: While everyone's focused on Snot, I'll be heading to the bathroom to share a doobie with the busboy in exchange for an angry handy jay.

Steve Smith: [to Roger] Now Snot may never get bar mitzvahed and it's my fault.
Roger: All because you refused to do the heist my way.
Steve Smith: How would you doing a goofy accent have changed anything?
Roger: We'll never know now, will we?

Roger: Hershel Hershbaum for the defense!
[to Snot]
Roger: Don't you worry, kid. I'll win this for ya. We'll get your foreskin cut off, all right.
Snot Lonstein: What?

"American Dad!: Great Space Roaster (#5.18)" (2010)
Roger the Alien: [on the phone] Watching the news?
Stan Smith: How did you know?
Roger the Alien: Cause I'm right behind you
[Stan looks]
Roger the Alien: I'm just kidding, I'm at Indianapolis airport

Roger the Alien: I'm crying like Francine when she watches Grey's Anatomy
Francine Smith: I just feel so sad for those poor actors

Roger the Alien: Why? What did I ever do to make you say those incredibly hurtful things?
Stan Smith: Are you serious?
Roger the Alien: Do I look like I'm not serious!
Francine Smith: This is what you wanted
Roger the Alien: You stay away from me Francine! You all stay away!

Roger the Alien: [to Klaus] I hate you, I'm not saying that out of anger, it's a fact, it's 67 degrees out and I hate you

Roger the Alien: I guess you had to come out of, or regularly visit- Francine's clown hole to matter around this place!
Francine Smith: It *is* a happening spot.

"American Dad!: Wheels & the Legman and the Case of Grandpa's Key (#7.10)" (2012)
Roger: [to Steve] You think this fake detective agency with real cases in a pretend office in your father's garage is a joke?

Roger: [to Stan] You're a liability! You know what your problem is? Pappa Wheelie doesn't have a backstory. All right, all you have is a prop. How did you end up on that unicycle? Are you a hipster? Are you a Frenchman? Were you raised by a Russian circus bear? You don't know! You just woke up one morning and saw a unicycle, you stupid hack. I don't know about you, but this case has put me in the mood for some cocaine.
Stan Smith: I-I get that joke. 'Cause cocaine comes in keys, right?
Steve Smith: The Legman doesn't joke about cocaine.
Roger: Cocaine is not a joking matter.

Roger: [while outside the hospital's cancer ward, speaking through a megaphone] You're all going to die! Your parents and your doctors are lying to you!

Roger's Date: [to Roger] So do you like music?
Roger: Do I like music? No, no, I'm the one person on Earth who doesn't like music.
Roger's Date: Why did you answer my ad online if you were just gonna ignore me?
Roger: My profile has four pictures of me staring out of a restaurant window through binoculars. You knew what this was.

Roger: [to his date] You know, you're not as ugly as I thought. I just might sex you later.
Roger's Date: I'm gonna go.
Roger: Ugh. Now you've ruined it by talking.

"American Dad!: Dope and Faith (#3.3)" (2007)
Roger: [laughs] Oh, my God! Stan has no friends! And he didn't even realize! He's like America, THE GUY!

Roger: [after getting a faceful of cocaine] I AM INCREDIBLY FOCUSED RIGHT NOW!

Roger: I was just taking a midnight stroll when I saw what looked like a magical owl fly by and... oh! Look at that! It's right here, and it's carrying a letter!
[Steve opens the letter and gasps]
Roger: What does it say?
Steve Smith: It says I've been admitted to Hogwarts School of Wizardry! The gypsy was right! I am special!
Roger: [snickering] And here I was thinking you were just a gullible idiot.

Roger: Hello, Sharper Image? Yeah, give me three Sopranos pinball machines, the radio golf ball, a floating ant farm, a flashlight hammer to smash the ants with if they piss me off...

Steve Smith: [walking in a carnival with Roger] You spent all your money trying to win a hat with antlers?
Roger: [angrily] I do not choose to discuss it.
Fortune Teller: [pointing at Steve] I see a very lucky boy.
Steve Smith: Wow, really? Will you tell my fortune?
Roger: Steve, before she tells you your future, let me tell you her past: forty years of alcoholism and three doctorless abortions.
Fortune Teller: You are a sad, angry little person.
Steve Smith: That's uncanny!
Fortune Teller: What would you like to know?
Steve Smith: Uhm... I don't know. I guess just if there's anything special about me or...
Fortune Teller: Yes! You are special. I - I see it!
Steve Smith: Wow!
Roger: Steve, she's just repeating whatever you say.
Steve Smith: You're just jealous because I'm special and you're not. You're boring and regular.
[walks off]
Roger: Uh! "Regular"? Oh, Steven... I'm going to hurt you so bad.
[to the fortune teller]
Roger: I got a question about the future: you see yourself taking a shower ever?

"American Dad!: 100 A.D. (#6.1)" (2010)
Steve Smith: Hey, Roger, a missing remote. Looks like another case for...
Steve Smith, Roger: [both] Wheels and the Legman!
Klaus: Enough!
Roger: What the hell's your problem?
Klaus: Every "Wheels and the Legman" is the same. You pick a boring case, you bicker, then you solve it. The solution usually being that Roger is the culprit.
Roger: It's true. I've got the remote right here.

Roger: All right, I got everything we need: chocolate milk, cheese puffs and some Turkish amphetamines I scored in the bathroom.

Roger: We just saying the first thing that pops into our mind? Ticklemonster
Steve Smith: I know Dad, I put up with this every day at the agency
Roger: Your Ghost Dad's not here!
Steve Smith: Oh no, then who's possessing me?
[Steve stands up out of the wheelchair and slaps Roger repeatedly]
Roger: Stop it, stop it Wheels, Wheels, stop it Wheels' father
[Steve stops and Roger gasps]

Roger: [high] Why do you keep calling me Legs! Is there something wrong with my legs? Is that why we have a wheelchair, you Nazi walrus bastard!
Klaus: [As a hallucination] Steve, who's he talking to?
Roger: Shut up Garfield! Why do you hate Mondays? You don't even work!

Roger: Tonight we find out who shot Mr Burns?
[to someone off-screen]
Roger: 15 years ago? Well who was it? Really? The baby?

"American Dad!: Naked to the Limit, One More Time (#8.12)" (2013)
Roger the Alien: Glass of scotch in my hand, fan on my crotch. Scotch-crotch-bygotch.

Jeff Fischer: Cool, a new imaginary friend! I've got so much to tell you! Did you know Keyser Soze was Kevin Spacey?
Roger the Alien: I did. I've known that for about 15 years now.

Stan Smith: [after Jeff finds out that Roger is an alien] And now that you know, to protect this family, I have to kill either you or Roger.
Hayley Smith: Dad, no! I love him!
Roger the Alien: Thank you. The feeling's not mutual, I find you a little doughy, but...
Hayley Smith: Not you! Jeff!

Roger the Alien: [when he's about to go back to his home planet] Do I have to go? My planet's freezing cold, there's no booze and sex is so boring up there. It's all consensual.

Hayley Smith: [after Jeff gets sent to space instead of Roger] What the hell just happened? My Jeff. My dear, sweet...
Roger the Alien: Hurry up, Hayley. You're sitting in the middle.

"American Dad!: Jenny Fromdabloc (#6.16)" (2011)
Steve Smith: [to Roger] You slut!
Roger the Alien: I have to say, it was super relaxing being an innocent young girl for a change.
Steve Smith: Innocent? You did it with Snot on the beach!
Roger the Alien: Yeah, I did. Got sand all up in my Jenny dress, not to mention my gopher hole. Oop, I mentioned it.

Steve Smith: [to Roger] I should've known you'd take it too far.
Roger the Alien: Yeah, you should've. You've known me for years, Steve.

Roger the Alien: I'll tell you what's going I like Snot. He's cute and he's funny and he treats me nice. Reminds me of a young Paul Reiser.
Steve Smith: He is nothing like a young Paul Reiser. He's Rob Morrow on his best day.

Steve Smith: [to Roger] Do you know what time it is?
Roger the Alien: Nope. We were having sex in the park and I totally lost track. I must have been making weird noises 'cause a bunch of cats wouldn't leave us alone. Had to throw a couple cats.
Steve Smith: Roger, you have to stop this.
Roger the Alien: I see. I know what's really going on here. You can't stand the fact that Snot's cool now and you're no longer king of the nerds.
Steve Smith: That's ridiculous! I mean sure there's been an established hierarchy, but...
[looks at the object that Roger has]
Steve Smith: What wh-what is that?
Roger the Alien: Oh, this? My stress ball.
Steve Smith: But there's a crack in it.
Roger the Alien: Uh-huh.
Steve Smith: Oh, my God, that's how you and Snot have been...
Roger the Alien: Relieving stress. Because this is a stress ball. And trust me, Snot's been relieving a lot of stress into this thing.

Roger the Alien: [crying] Sons of Tucson, new on FOX? When was this on? I watch FOX. I never saw this.

"American Dad!: The One That Got Away (#4.2)" (2008)
McCreary: You're familiar with the first line of "Genesis," right?
Roger the Alien/Sydney Huffman: Well! I should say I am, sir, I should say I am!
McCreary: Does this sound right? "In the beginning God created the Heavens and a transvestite who pooped mozzarella dinosaurs."

Roger the Alien/Sydney Huffman: Oh, my god. I took a hit out on myself! and I probably charged it to me. Still... miles.

Roger the Alien/Sydney Huffman: Rootie tootie, fresh and fruitie, I'm in a pile of doodie!

Roger the Alien/Sydney Huffman: Oh my God, I took a hit out on myself. And I probably charged it to me. Still, miles.

Roger the Alien/Sydney Huffman: That gentleman has the wrong Sydney. Or he's dyslectic and angry at Disney.

"American Dad!: A Jones for a Smith (#5.11)" (2010)
Roger: You gonna share that crack you're doing or what?
Stan Smith: Crack? This is cold medicine.
Roger: No sir, it's crack.
Stan Smith: It's not crack! I bought on a park bench outside a soup kitchen from a guy in a lime green sui... oh my God it's crack.

Roger: [while in disguise] Name's Fantasia Lopez. I'm on my way to Welfare to get some free stuff.
[to a bunch of dolls]
Roger: Don't you worry, babies. Mama's gonna get some food stamps so you can get the Milk Duds you need.

Roger: [while in his Fantasia Lopez disguise] I'm gonna keep swinging my baby lasso till I catch me a man.

Roger: All right. I didn't want to do this.
[puts two toilet plungers on his chest]
Roger: Plunger boobies! Oh, my God! Could you imagine if I really had nips like these? I'd like to think I'd find love.

"American Dad!: The Scarlet Getter (#7.6)" (2011)
Roger the Alien: [about Scarlett] I think I'm going to ask her out.
Stan Smith: You? You three-foot-tall, gray, disgusting piece of shit! Scarlett's an angel. You're a pig. She would never go for you.
Roger the Alien: Listen, you, that hurts. I like to think of myself as a pretty strong person, but you... you cracked it.

Roger the Alien: [to Stan] You can't keep two girls on lockdown. You already got Francine. If you want to let her go, then I'll back off Scarlett. Of course, then, I'll plow Francine.
Francine Smith: I'd let him, too. Dan Andsome-Handsome gives me quite the wide-on.

Stan Smith: [to Roger while drunk, wearing a bathrobe] Welco... welcome home, space lothario. You might have slept with Scarlett, but I'm wearing your robe. Ha!
Roger the Alien: Hey, that's my pooping robe. I can tell by all the poop on the edges.

Stan Smith: [to Roger] So when did you realize Scarlett was an alien hunter?
Roger the Alien: Took a little longer than I'd prefer to admit. For a while, I just thought we were having super-kinky sex and then she cut off my face.

"American Dad!: Office Spaceman (#3.14)" (2008)
Stan Smith: [after finding the photo of Roger in the paper] How did this happen?
Roger: I have no idea. I leave the house in disguise, but six Rob Roys later, things happen that I can't be responsible for. Like buying this puzzle. Why the hell did I buy this puzzle?
[begins tearing the nearly complete puzzle apart]
Roger: I hate puppies! Get out of that tea cup! That cup is for tea!

[Roger and Stan pretend to meet for the first time at the CIA]
Roger: What's your name?
Stan Smith: [through clenched teeth] Stan.
Roger: Hmm, I already know a 'Stan'. I'm going to call you Mortimer. Now, run and fix me a coffee.
[Stan doesn't move]
Roger: Today, Mortimer James!
[turns to Bullock]
Roger: I add his middle name when I'm disappointed in him.

Roger: I'm not ready to die! Not before Shatner!

Stan Smith: I just feel so violated by the fact that that thing was inside of me. It would mean a lot to me if I could have the first cut.
Avery Bullock: All yours, Smith.
Roger: [screaming] No! Don't put that mask on me! I'm not ready to die! Not before Shatner!
Stan Smith: I'm doing what has to be done.
Roger: [screams as Stan turns on the gas and is knocked out] Huh. He reversed the gas. Son of a bitch Superman 2'ed me!

"American Dad!: Pilot (#1.1)" (2005)
Roger the Alien: You know, we can't all look like those anorexic aliens in the James Cameron movies, Francine.

Roger the Alien: Holy Toledo, you killed your son's dog! And don't ask me to bring him back with that E.T. finger thing cause that's a giant load of crap.

Hayley Smith: What do you know about Henry Kissinger?
Roger the Alien: Well, I know he was a Jew, but if you get me some Churros, I can stretch that out to 500 words easy.

Roger the Alien: Oh, no, not my Frankenberry! Oh, Francine, be reasonable!
[he crashes through the table, sending breakfast items everywhere]
Roger the Alien: Oh, great. I've got a bear claw in my ass.

"American Dad!: Man in the Moonbounce (#5.5)" (2009)
Steve Smith: We're doing an outer space party. We're gonna have our faces painted like aliens and everything.
Roger the Alien: Oh, white people in alien face? Running around going, "Beep boop bop." This what you do when there's no alien in the room? How would you feel if I made fun of you? "Oh, uh, I'm human. I'm from planet Earth. I think I'm coming down with a cold." Hurts, don't it?

Roger the Alien: You know I have a thing where I have to eat any food I find.

Roger the Alien: Stan, you skipped the milestones of youth. That's why you can't get out of here. Your inner child is putting his foot down.
Stan Smith: I don't know. That sounds like mumbo jumbo.
Roger the Alien: It is. Dr. Mumbo Jumbo was my mentor at the People's Hospital in Cameroon.

Roger the Alien: [to Stan] You just need a little dose of fun. Go out and act like a kid. Wipe your nose on your sleeve, eat Cheerios out of a Baggie, touch a urinal, then touch your face.
Stan Smith: Yeah, okay.
Roger the Alien: Ride the back of a dog and pretend it's a pony, get an ear infection...
Stan Smith: All right. I understand, Roger.
Roger the Alien: Spit on a jellyfish, get a stuffed rabbit and name it Rabbit-O, touch penises with a neighbor boy.

"American Dad!: Stan's Food Restaurant (#6.4)" (2010)
Roger the Alien: [to Stan] I know the restaurant business. I managed a Hardee's in Myrtle Beach for three years. Everyone called it "Party Hardee's" 'cause of the buttload of drugs I was moving through there. I was "sick" the day of the raid. Got tipped off by this detective whose daughter I saved from drowning. But I... I can't go back there. He won't look the other way again.

Roger the Alien: [to Stan] I leased the restaurant truck like you wanted!
Stan Smith: Is it Arctic White?
Roger the Alien: Yeah. It's weird how white it is. Weirder than one of those white dog poos.
Stan Smith: Oh, yeah, those are weird. Have you ever seen a dog lay one of those?
Roger the Alien: No. Just seen them on the grass.
Stan Smith: Me too.

Roger the Alien: [to Farmer Ted] Here's my home number, my cell and the women's shelter where I'm either volunteering or dropping off my stupid whore wife. Soup is not a meal, Vera!

Roger the Alien: You're a bum, Qui-Lo! You think you can treat people like this because you've got everything going for you? Well, obviously you can because I'm fine with you and I'll be rooting for you in the bike race this Friday!

"American Dad!: School Lies (#6.14)" (2011)
Roger the Alien: [to Stan] I'm already having a good day 'cause you called me son. Now give me a kiss. Kiss me on the lips, Dad. I want that kind of relationship with you.

Roger the Alien: Hey, hey. Should I come out of the closet and then make a big stink when they won't let me take my 50-year-old boyfriend to the prom?

Stan Smith: [to Roger] My God! Did you get in a fight at school?
Roger the Alien: No. Look, you know, I'm gonna be a straight shooter with you now. I think I screwed the pooch on this one.
Stan Smith: What?
Roger the Alien: You know how you said try to be friends with the senator's daughter?
Stan Smith: Yeah.
Roger the Alien: Well, it began like that, and then middle, middle, middle and then I sold her to a drug dealer. The end.
Stan Smith: You what?
Roger the Alien: Are you seriously mad at me, Stan? You're the who's always telling me to go with my instincts. I thought you'd be proud of me.
[looks out the window]
Roger the Alien: Ah, there's a blue jay out there.
Stan Smith: I don't want to see the blue jay.
Roger the Alien: Oh, it's so blue. You're not gonna want to miss this.
Stan Smith: No.
Roger the Alien: Stan...
Stan Smith: Fine.
Roger the Alien: Oh, it's gone.
Stan Smith: Why would you sell the girl?
Roger the Alien: Why would you not look at the blue jay earlier?

Stan Smith: [about Cookie] How do we sober her up?
Roger the Alien: We don't. She's she is strung out, but she's a heavy user with a massive tolerance, so she might pull it together. She also might die. Either way, I'm eating dessert. I've been very good this week.

"American Dad!: Family Affair (#4.10)" (2009)
Steve Smith: [after Roger accidentally calls Steve "Scotty"] Scotty?
Roger the Alien: That's my new nickname for you. Your favorite "Star Trek" character.
Steve Smith: What he does isn't glamorous, but he keeps the Enterprise running.

Roger the Alien: You're putting me on your family plan?
Steve Smith: Roger, what Dad's trying to say is that you're a Smith. We couldn't start a new family plan without you.
Stan Smith: Steve's right. Steve also needs to learn how to keep his trap shut and let me finish my own moment. You defiled my moment, son. Right in front of my wife.

Roger the Alien: Four Guatemalans will be here Thursday morning at 7:00 with boxes and packing tape. Under no circumstances are you to feed them or tip them. If the job is done well, they will each be rewarded with a large fries.

Roger the Alien: [when he meets his old family, the Logans] Why did you leave me like that?
Brad. Logan: You rented a room from us and refused to pay.
Roger the Alien: I paid you in laughter!
Jenny Logan: We were afraid of you!
Roger the Alien: Jenny, you better shut up right now or I will cut your face.

"American Dad!: Every Which Way But Lose (#4.17)" (2009)
Roger Smith: If I have one more piece of vomit pie, I'm gonna pumpkin.

Steve: Wait a second, that's it! I can sign up for the footballs team! Dad loves sports! I bet he'd love to watch me play!
Roger Smith: Steve, look at those kids. They're athletes. When was the last time you ran anywhere? I mean with your own legs, not by pressing 'X'?

Roger Smith: Maybe you should just give up on your dad. Face it he's a douche, and I would know. I used to run Human Resources for Summer's Eve.

Roger Smith: [Seeing Stan hanging by the neck in his office] Stan, are your trying to kill yourself, or thrill yourself?

"American Dad!: Return of the Bling (#5.13)" (2010)
Steve Smith: [Roger bites off Stan's finger] Roger what'd you do that for! You already have the medal!
Roger: I don't know, they did it in the movie, I mean if we're gonna go for it, go for it

Roger the Alien: [Roger is imitating Gollum] Masters wants to destroy it
Roger the Alien: [in his normal voice] You mean the medal?
Roger the Alien: [in his Gollum voice] We have to destroy masters
Roger the Alien: [in his normal voice] Say it, don't spray it and secondly I agree with you

Roger: [to Steve] I asked if you wanted drugs, I said it in a weird voice so your Dad wouldn't hear but now he has, you blew it

Roger the Alien: Sorry again about the whole cheek thing.
Stan Smith: Nonsense, you just gave me another hole for your glory to shine through. A glory hole, in my face.

"American Dad!: A Piñata Named Desire (#6.11)" (2011)
Roger the Alien: [to Stan] And what makes you the big dog?
Stan Smith: Um, everything. I'm smarter than you, I'm stronger than you, I can wet-nurse better than you.
[starts to lactate]
Stan Smith: Easy, girls.

Roger the Alien: [to Steve] Go to your room. Get back here. Give me a kiss. You're a good boy. You just frustrate me.

Roger the Alien: [after seeing Stan act] Somebody remind me to cancel my Ambien prescription.

Mr. Rivera-Perez: [to Roger] You don't have any lines. Stop improvising!
Roger the Alien: I need to be heard. I have 20 people coming to see me. I'm crushing hard on one of them. Do you know what that's like, Mr. Rivera-Perez? You're a gay, amateur director. You must've crushed hard on someone along the way. Daniel? Maybe... maybe there was a Daniel in your life?

"American Dad!: My Morning Straitjacket (#5.7)" (2009)
Roger the Alien: Francine, Courteney Cox played a chef on Friends. Your cooking is worse than her acting!

Roger the Alien: Spoiler alert! The sweet potatoes suck. How can sweet potatoes not be sweet? Hmm? Frannie, how'd you take the sweet out of the potatoes?

Roger the Alien: [when he's dressed up as Hayley] Well, I'm gonna go beg for money on the beach since I'm dressed for it.

Roger the Alien: [after he and Stan get kicked off My Morning Jacket's tour bus] You boner.

"American Dad!: Roger Codger (#1.5)" (2005)
Roger the Alien: Don't hurt me! I know it sounds cliche, but I mean you no harm!
Stanley Smith: You're the alien? But they said you'd be bigger, and with claws.
Roger the Alien: Oh, I've got claws. Look how fat you are. See? Kitty can scratch.

Roger the Alien: God! Who do you have to probe around here to get a Chardonnay?

[phone rings, Hayley answers]
Hayley Smith: Hello?
Roger the Alien: Hayley? Roger. Got a sec?
Hayley Smith: Roger? Whoah! Is this one of those Twilight Zone phones where I can talk to the dead, but only with horrible, ironic consequences?
Roger the Alien: Oh, right, it's past noon, you're already high.

Stanley Smith: My butt is on the line!
Roger the Alien: Well, that must be one massive line, 'cause your butt is huge!

"American Dad!: Spelling Bee My Baby (#8.14)" (2013)
Stan Smith: Hey, Hayley, be our line judge!
Hayley Smith: Can't! I'm making a landing pad for when the aliens bring Jeff back.
Roger the Alien: Okay, sweetie.
[to Stan]
Roger the Alien: I'm sure by now he's been dissected for science. Or for fun. It's pretty fun.

Stan Smith: Hayley, I need you to understand Jeff's not coming back.
Roger the Alien: Never.
Stan Smith: He's trapped in a cage thousands of light-years away.
Roger the Alien: So far.
Stan Smith: It's hopeless. We'll never know what happened to him.
Roger the Alien: Space rape.

Hayley Smith: I got ninja-darted in the neck and while I was in the void between this world and the next, an overwhelming realization washed over me that Jeff is gone and I accept that now.
Stan Smith: Great!
Hayley Smith: I also accept that you two jerks are the reason he was abducted in the first place. And now, I'm taking your shuttlecock.
[takes the shuttlecock away and leaves]
Roger the Alien: She'll be back.
Stan Smith: Roger, I think you're in denial.
Roger the Alien: No, I'm not.
Roger the Alien: I hate you! I've always hated you!
Roger the Alien: If she brings back the shuttlecock, I'll feed the needy, I swear.
[about to cry]
Roger the Alien: Oh, God, I don't think I can face this. I don't want to be around people.
[sighs and calms down]
Roger the Alien: You know what? It is what it is.
Stan Smith: Roger, you just went through the five stages of grief!
Roger the Alien: But my species has six stages.
[kicks Stan in the groin, causing him to fall down in pain]
Stan Smith: Was that the sixth stage?
Roger the Alien: [smiles] Nope.

"American Dad!: Why Can't We Be Friends? (#8.5)" (2012)
Roger the Alien: [to Jeff after he mugs him] Is that the "come back and kick me" whistle?

Roger the Alien: Chicken pot pie? Chicken pot bye!

Roger the Alien: [after Jeff gets beaten for the umpteenth time] This is getting ridiculous. You want me to walk you home again?
Jeff Fischer: [pushes him away] It didn't help last time!
[Jeff leaves]
Roger the Alien: Jeez, just trying to help the kid out.
[Jeff slams the door, Roger stretches and cracks his knuckles]
Roger the Alien: I'm gonna rape him this time.
[Jeff walks down the dark hallway looking perturbed until his sees Roger again once again in his cat burglar disguise]
Roger the Alien: You know the drill here.
Jeff Fischer: [voice breaking in anger] You know, I remember a time when this was a safe hallway. I left my door unlocked, kids playing after dark. I can walk home without being scared - AND I DON'T WANNA BE SCARED ANYMORE!
Roger the Alien: Just shut up and give me...
[Jeff grabs his gun and shoots at Roger repeatedly until the gun cocks out, Jeff walks away, Roger weakly takes out his gun to shoot Jeff until his hand slips shooting his own foot]
Roger the Alien: OW! That's a whoopsie.

"American Dad!: Roger 'n' Me (#1.20)" (2006)
Doctor Gupta: When you ran over your wife - twice - it caused her brain to detach from her central nervous system. She's what we, in the medical profession, call "a husk."
Roger the Alien: I've heard of that.
Doctor Gupta: We can reattach her brain, but it's an experimental procedure your insurance won't cover.
Stan Smith: That's my wife. I don't care how much it is, I'll pay it!
Doctor Gupta: It's $178,000.
Stan Smith: What if I don't need her to talk?

Roger the Alien: Stan might be an insensitive feelings-hurter, but he'd never cheat on you.
Francine Smith: It's not Stan I'm worried about. It's the female "entertainment" I don't trust. Men throw a little cash out 'em, they'll do anything. Then sometimes when you're on the floor with another girl, guys'll throw money, then pick it up and throw the same singles out there again. Like I'm an idiot. Like I don't have peripheral vision!
[awkward pause]

Roger the Alien: You got a best buddy? Can I be your second best buddy?
Stan Smith: Let's see, how do I hang an air freshener on this? You are a total waste of space. I often dream of killing you.
Stan Smith: Ah, Mountain Pine.

"American Dad!: The Unbrave One (#7.8)" (2012)
Roger: Uh yeah, Steve, I'm a professional film editor, I can do anything. Tyler Perry's movies are actually quite good before I get my hands on them.

Steve Smith: The night belongs to me, for I am Greater Chimdale County Man.
Roger: No! That name's terrible!

Steve Smith: I can't believe we've been walking around all night and couldn't find one crime.
Roger: This neighborhood's gotten too safe since the Blacks moved out. David and Franklin Black. Two white brothers who killed every Mexican in town.

"American Dad!: Meter Made (#3.2)" (2007)
Hayley Smith: I am a proud and evolved woman and I have nothing to be ashamed of.
[takes off her robe and poses]
Roger the Alien: Nice.
[waves at Hayley. Hayley gasps and covers herself]
Roger the Alien: Madam, please uncover yourself. Does anyone have any areola pink? I only have one tube.

Hayley Smith: Roger, you had no right coming to that class and sketching me.
Roger the Alien: The subject telling the artist what he can and can't do? That's like a soup can telling Warhol where to buy speed.

Roger the Alien: [after Francine destroys Roger's painting of Hayley] My art! You've destroyed my drawing of Hayley.
Steve Smith: Hayley?
Roger the Alien: It's obvious what you have to do, Steve. You have to kill yourself.
Steve Smith: What? Why? Nobody saw.
Roger the Alien: God saw. Everyone in heaven saw. Aunt Sadie, Great Gram-Gram, Star Trek's James Doohan...
Steve Smith: Scotty saw?
Roger the Alien: Scotty watched the whole damn thing.
[Steve starts crying]
Hayley Smith: You know what, Roger? This whole thing is your fault. I am gonna kick your ass!
Roger the Alien: You think you got a shot, porn star? Then bring it.
[Hayley punches Roger in the stomach]
Roger the Alien: I wasn't ready. This is how Houdini died!

"American Dad!: Stan Knows Best (#1.3)" (2005)
[Stan brings home a baby to replace Hayley when she moves out]
Roger the Alien: Is that a Chinese baby?
Stanley Smith: Sure is! Japanese, to be specific.

[Roger must play a burn victim in front of Steve's crush]
Roger the Alien: I even watched the latest Meg Ryan movie where she played that burn victim.
Steve Smith: She never played a burn victim.
[Steve walks off]
Roger the Alien: Oh, Meg, honey...

[Family is playing Scrabble]
Steve Smith: Quivecs? That's not a word.
Roger the Alien: It is on my planet!
Francine Smith: Is it a proper noun?
Roger the Alien: Damn!
[rearranges letters]

"American Dad!: Homeland Insecurity (#1.6)" (2005)
Steve Smith: [talking about the cool things a video game alien can do] Oh... um... sorry, Roger
Roger the Alien: No, no, you said it. It's out in the open. We have to live with it now.

Steve Smith: Seriously, can't you do *anything*?
Roger the Alien: I can get my feelings hurt and throw a world-class hissy fit!

Steve Smith: I'm running away. It's the only way I can escape those psycho Rangers.
Roger the Alien: Oh! Oh, take me with you. Maybe my special power is keeping you from getting molested at the bus station. Maybe.

"American Dad!: American Stepdad (#8.4)" (2012)
Stan Smith: [to Roger] Shut it down, pack it up.
Roger the Alien: What?
Stan Smith: Pack up your crap. You're moving to the basement. My mom's gonna live up here from now on.
Roger the Alien: But, Stan, this is my attic. This is my home. You can't do this.
Stan Smith: Sorry, bro. Mom's family.
Roger the Alien: But I'm family, too! You just called me bro!
Stan Smith: Sorry, cuz, I was just using it as slang. Let me break it down for you, son: Family is your siblings, your kids or most importantly, people you have physically been inside either sexually or as a fetus.

Betty Smith: [to Stan about Roger] Who's that?
Stan Smith: Oh, don't worry about him. That's just a nobody who lives in the basement.
Roger the Alien: A nobody?
Roger the Alien: Who farted? Nobody!
[runs away crying]

Stan Smith: [to Roger as he falls at Niagara Falls] Why'd you let go?
Roger the Alien: Because I don't think your mom and I are gonna be able to patch things up and I'd rather be dead than no longer a part of your family!
Stan Smith: I was wrong, Roger. You don't have to be in my family to be my family!
Roger the Alien: Dude, seriously? I really wish I'd known before I let go!

"American Dad!: Phantom of the Telethon (#4.7)" (2008)
Roger: Let's try that on the fart setting.
[plays farty notes on keyboard]
Roger: I don't know. It's funnier, but I think it takes out some of the tension...

Roger: The arm is disbombed... Damn it.

Roger: Talented, talented greaseball. From Ohio.

"American Dad!: Stan of Arabia: Part 1 (#1.12)" (2005)
Roger the Alien: Oh, Ernest and Julio Gallo, you make a glorious wine, and a handsome couple!

Roger the Alien: I need a drink. Where's the booze?
Hayley Smith: There is no booze. Saudi Arabia is a dry country.
Roger the Alien: [pause] Seriously, where's the booze?

Roger the Alien: Does this furniture polish have alcohol in it?
[drinks it]
Roger the Alien: Mmmmmm... tastes like I might die.

"American Dad!: Season's Beatings (#7.7)" (2011)
Roger the Alien: [while drunk] Christianity. My favorite deadbeat dad story. Check it: God fathers this kid, then disappears and then when the kid becomes famous, God wants to come live with Him. Exact same thing happened to Shaq. He did a rap about it called "My Biological Didn't Bother".

Roger the Alien: That punch. That punch right there. That's the punch where everything went black and I was finally able to achieve orgasm.

Roger the Alien: [after Stan accidentally stabs him with the daggers] Ah! You dumb son of a...! No, that's not who Roland is. Hey! You're doing great!

"American Dad!: In Country... Club (#5.1)" (2009)
Hayley Smith: So how was the big night?
Roger the Alien: It was... what's the word? Shmooblydong? Is that a word?

Roger the Alien: It's four, ninety-nine.
Stan Smith: I guess we can add another five bucks to your tab.
Roger the Alien: Five bucks? For "Barbra Sings Celine"? No - it's four hundred, ninety-nine dollars. Barbra comes expensive or she doesn't come at all.
Stan Smith: Four hundred, ninety-nine dollars? I wouldn't pay that much to see Barbra DO Celine!

"American Dad!: Stanny Slickers II: The Legend of Ollie's Gold (#3.15)" (2008)
Roger: [after dressing up as a woman in revealing clothing in an attempt to win a sexual harrsament settlement] Huh, Probably Shouldn't have farted before I started that walk

Roger: [Roger Begins his second attempt at his sexual harrasment suit by keeping a box of donuts between his legs] Hey, you looking for something glazed and bad for you?

"American Dad!: Rapture's Delight (#5.9)" (2009)
Roger: Ah, I love your religion - for the crazy! Virgin birth, water into wine; it's like Harry Potter, but it causes genocide and bad folk music.

Roger: Ascent! You're flying now! I hope I haven't missed the part where the three Chinese guys give perfume to the star baby.
Roger: It's like the diaries of a madman!

"American Dad!: I Can't Stan You (#2.17)" (2007)
Roger Smith: [pretending to be a realtor] You must be the Hannigans. Maurice Barnes, All-Star Realty. You're gonna love this house.
[handing Mrs. Hannigan a leaflet]
Roger Smith: Here you go. I'm also a singer-songwriter, I'm playing a gig at Sarah's Coffehouse next Thursday; plugging my new self-released CD, real soul-searching, heavy stuff. Buy the house, don't buy the house: you're comped eather way, don't let it influence your decision. My mother killed herself when I was 12, track four. One of the paramedics molested me on the way to the morgue, it's in the liner notes. Come in, come in come in! Now, I love these built-ins, you don't see these anymore.
[inside the house]
Roger Smith: And these are walls! You know, when people say the walls are closing in on them? Well, this is what they're referring to. So, do we have a deal?

the Mexican: We are so pleased you have chosen to purchase your own restaurant in the Señor Toad's family. Ribbit! It's like "olè". Anyways, here is your official Señor Toad sombrero and your complimentary fire extinguisher that shoots tequila.
Roger Smith: Is this heaven?
the Mexican: No. It's Mexico.
Roger Smith: That makes sense, 'cause it smells like Mexico.

"American Dad!: Finger Lenting Good (#8.8)" (2013)
Roger: [Throwing beads at Mardi Gras] Tremé! Etouffée! Beignet!
[Points to Greg and Terry]
Roger: You're gay!
Greg, Terry: Hooray!

Roger: Mardi Gras, bitches! I'm having a party at my bar. I got beads aplenty, so I want to see all your ta-tas! Except you, Hayley. You have the worst boobs. They're like 90% nips. Like two dark castles with tiny little moats.

"American Dad!: The People vs. Martin Sugar (#6.7)" (2010)
Stan Smith: Jury duty is the best way for honest citizens to punish lawbreakers.
Roger the Alien: It's a waste of time. Like getting an HIV test. Roll the dice, scaredy-cats!

Roger the Alien: [to Stan] Face it, I'm Ferris Bueller and you're my jealous, big-nosed, sour-faced sister Jeanie.

"American Dad!: Threat Levels (#1.2)" (2005)
Stanley Smith: [after the family is infected with a virus, Roger is making plans to redecorate the house] What makes you so sure you're going to survive?
Roger the Alien: Oh, my species is immune to all human ailments.
Stanley Smith: So explain that cold sore.
Roger the Alien: [shouts] Mind your own business!

Roger the Alien: [the entire family will die, Roger is redecorating] I'm thinking of sea foam! What do you think?
[they stare blankly, insulted]
Roger the Alien: 'Cause, you know, I'm gonna need a lot of happy to get over all of the sad.

"American Dad!: It's Good to Be the Queen (#1.19)" (2006)
Mitch: What delivering pizzas has taught me, is that Easy Street is not always the best route.
Steve Smith: So true...
Roger the Alien: When someone starts a sentence with "What delivering pizzas has taught me", that's usually the go-ahead to tune out.

Steve Smith: Sorry my... um... war veteran uncle here blew up your car
Mitch: No matter. A car is merely a means of transporting pizzas. Thankfully the pizzas survived, for they contain the dough of life
Roger the Alien: [Pretending to wake up] Um, I'm sorry... I drifted off. Are you on Thorazine? What the hell? I mean, wha - what year is it? Who's president?
Steve Smith: Roger! Mitch, if you can't finish your route, won't you lose your job?
Mitch: Perhaps. For lo, when a pie reaches not its destination, a trust is broken forever
Roger the Alien: Yeah... Look, Kung Fu, I prefer my crazy in my bread.
[starts to eat a corn dog]

"American Dad!: LGBSteve (#10.7)" (2015)
Roger the Alien: Okay, Steve, if you're looking for gender clarification, there's a number of things we can try. First, we raise some cash to get that dick off you.
Steve Smith: [covering his crotch] Whoa! Coming in hot!

Roger the Alien: It's dick-off time!

"American Dad!: Camp Refoogee (#2.1)" (2006)
Roger the Alien: In the words of sit-coms in the early '90s and the midwest through out the '90s 'don't go there'.

"American Dad!: Haylias (#3.5)" (2007)
Roger the Alien: My name is Braff Zacklin. I was an international racecar driver. One day, a baby carriage rolled out onto the track so I swerved into the retaining wall to avoid it. The car burst into flames, but the baby miraculously survived. I was that baby.
Steve Smith: That doesn't make any sense.
Roger the Alien: I'm Braff Zacklin!

"American Dad!: The Wrestler (#7.12)" (2012)
Roger: Small bills are in the safe, the rest are in my ass.

"American Dad!: Poltergasm (#9.2)" (2013)
Roger the Alien: 3:43. Just peed myself... asparagus.

"American Dad!: Stanny Boy and Frantastic (#6.10)" (2011)
Roger: I will not be a loser, I will stay on this phone as long as it takes. Steve, go get the diaper I sleep in after Indian food.

"American Dad!: Home Wrecker (#6.17)" (2011)
Stan Smith: Stop. Where's Roger?
Roger the Alien: I left in the middle of the song. It turned into all gibberish, and I won't be a part of it.

"American Dad!: The Dentist's Wife (#11.12)" (2016)
Francine Smith: Roger, what the hell did you do? Where's Meredith?
Roger: Francine, everything's fine now. I put her on a barge, and now I'm her.
Francine Smith: A barge? You can't take someone's life like this!
Roger: Oh, Franny, we'd draw pictures with red oceans and green skies and be who we wanted! And then play in the sprinklers till Mama called us for supper.
Francine Smith: Are you having a stroke right now? Forget it. I'm stopping this.
Roger: That's barge talk, Francine.
Francine Smith: Roger, I am not going to sit here and
[Foghorn blares; Cut to Francine on a barge]
Francine Smith: Son of a bitch! He barged me.

"American Dad!: Weiner of Our Discontent (#4.18)" (2009)
Roger the Alien: [In front of Storage Unit] BEHOLD, my fortress of solitude.
Stan Smith: [whistle] Impressive.
Fat Guy: Afternoon, Sotineers. Strawberry Coors, it something I invented, I take a regular Coors and I drink it through a twizzler, you see.
Stan Smith: I really Like your roommate.
[Roger opens his storage slightly and rolls through opening]
Stan Smith: Nice touch, with the rolling. Don't want open the door too wide, and let disability check Dan there, See your...
[in awed my Roger's slightly damaged spacecraft]
Stan Smith: fortress of solitude. Oh, good lord, it's real.
Roger the Alien: You know Stan, it's too bad. I actually liked Francine, the rest of them can suck it, but Francine I hate to see die.
[climbs into his ship]
Stan Smith: [Nervously] Roger, we... we joke a lot, me and you. But you know, that deep, deep in my heart, I've always loved...
[Roge press a button, and nothing happens]
Roger the Alien: Something's wrong. What the? Why isn't this
[Roger frequently press a lot of random button]
Stan Smith: [discovers a note taped behind the craft's review mirror and then read it out loud] "Dear human who discover, this wreck please disregard it. We crash this ship into your planet to test new safety features, because we care about our customers. The alien inside, is merely a crash test dummy who most likely died within impact."
Roger the Alien: Crash test dummy? But they told me...
Stan Smith: AH HA HA, the decider, that is classic I am loving this,
[laughs hysterically]
Roger the Alien: No, no this can't be.
Fat Guy: Excuse me, gentlemen. If I just found out I am the Limburg baby, whom do I tell?

"American Dad!: Francine's Flashback (#1.4)" (2005)
Roger the Alien: [after knocking out two girls in their living room] Did you see where they went?
Stanley Smith: Who?
Roger the Alien: The black guys that did this.

"American Dad!: Faking Bad (#9.7)" (2013)
Roger the Alien: Those sound like horse names, but they're people.

"American Dad!: A Smith in the Hand (#1.9)" (2005)
Roger the Alien: Oh, what fresh Hell is this?

"American Dad!: Manhattan Magical Murder Mystery Tour (#10.11)" (2015)
Roger: Isn't that James Patterson?
Francine Smith: He's here to receive a special award. More of his books have been left on beaches than used condoms.

"American Dad!: For Whom the Sleigh Bell Tolls (#6.8)" (2010)
Roger the Alien: Poor Ned Beatty. He can he can play Rudy's dad all he wants, but when we look at him, all we see is him getting rammed in the woods.

"American Dad!: The Vacation Goo (#3.1)" (2007)
Roger: [to the song "Xanadu"] Xanadu/Can't cry on cue/Now I am here in Xanadu
[to an older lady]
Roger: Here you go, ma'am, I talked to the chef. There's no cream in the soup, just like you asked for.
[back to the song]
Roger: Xanadu... !
Francine Smith: Roger's playing Olivia Newton-John on our cruise ship? Oh, this has Goo written all over it!

"American Dad!: Stannie Get Your Gun (#1.14)" (2005)
Roger the Alien: I'm going to make you cry and dip my cookie in your tears.

"American Dad!: Iced, Iced Babies (#2.6)" (2006)
Hayley Smith: Roger, your lecture today was just ideological nonsense.
Roger the Alien: Oh, really? You've just earned yourself a week of detention!
Hayley Smith: There's no detention in college.
Roger the Alien: Oh, right. Well, then I'm taking 50 points from Gryffindor!

"American Dad!: Tears of a Clooney (#1.23)" (2006)
Roger the Alien: I wish Francine would buy me something other than Coppola wine. Tastes like beard hair and Sofia sweat.

"American Dad!: Family Plan (#12.17)" (2017)
Hayley: So you're the cat, huh?
Roger: Meow.
Hayley: God bless ya, you *commit*.

"American Dad!: The Kidney Stays in the Picture (#7.16)" (2012)
Roger the Alien: [while holding a net standing next to a big envelope] Elian? Is that you, baby? Come on in. You're safe here. I will not send you back to Coo-ba.

"American Dad!: A Ward Show (#7.3)" (2011)
Roger the Alien: [while on the phone with the police after Steve runs away from home] Officer, he's not in the house, he's not answering his phone. I'm his guardian. If anything happens to him, I'm responsible. Calm down? Calm down? Okay. He was exactly right. That was good advice.

"American Dad!: Of Ice and Men (#2.7)" (2006)
Roger the alien: She's as graceful as a frozen turd.

"American Dad!: Dungeons and Wagons (#2.5)" (2006)
Stan Smith: Francine, run!
Roger the Alien: Oh, can't a brother get a "Run, Roger"? Damn! Gotta be all self-runnin' and whatnot!

"American Dad!: Roy Rogers McFreely (#4.12)" (2009)
Roger the Alien: You know what grenadine turns cold cola into? Roy Rogers! You know what grenadine turns warm cola into? You tell ME when I throw it in your face!

"American Dad!: The Most Adequate Christmas Ever (#3.8)" (2007)
[Roger enters wearing a festive sweater]
Roger: Merry, merry everyone!
Hayley: Wow, great sweater, Roger.
Roger: [drunkenly] Thanks, I totally sniped it from a guy on eBay. I not only stole the sweater, I stole his holiday spirit and that made my holiday spirit grow stronger. Because, that's how it works, right? Like "Highlander"? There can be only one?

"American Dad!: Four Little Words (#2.15)" (2007)
Steve Smith: [Steve and Hayley call Roger out on his identity fraud] Roger, we can't keep doing this.
Hayley Smith: Yeah, I mean, it's stealing.
Roger: Oh, oh, excuse me, are you an ethicist? Are you? Is there an ethicist in the house?
Ethicist: I'm an ethicist.
Roger: Well, screw you, I'm Kevin Bacon!

"American Dad!: Delorean Story-An (#4.16)" (2009)
Roger the Alien: Delorean? Are you doing coke?
Stan Smith: No
Roger the Alien: I get it, talk later, I'll take half a key

"American Dad!: All About Steve (#1.10)" (2005)
Roger: Why does everyone hate the juice?

"American Dad!: Don't Look a Smith Horse in the Mouth (#5.10)" (2010)
Kid in Park: [Stan's mind is in the body of a racehorse] Hey, can I pet your horse?
Roger the Alien: Sure.
[Kid makes to poke at Stan's eyes]
Roger the Alien: Honey, don't do that. Horses don't like being poked in the eyes.
[the kid makes to poke at Stan's eyes again]
Roger the Alien: Stop that. He doesn't like it.
Stan Smith: [the kid makes to poke at Stan's eyes again] If you ever do that again I'm going to come round to your house and kick your Mom to death right in front of you!
Kid in Park: Ahh! Ahh!
[Runs away terrified]

"American Dad!: Black Mystery Month (#2.13)" (2007)
Roger the Alien: Hey, Hayley-kins, want to play Jenga?
Hayley Smith: That game's kind of lame. Unless you want to make it a little more interesting.
Roger the Alien: Uh... no thanks.
Hayley Smith: I thought you loved to gamble.
Roger the Alien: Oh, is that what that means? Oh, I thought you were hitting on me. No, sure, yeah, let's play.

"American Dad!: Virtual In-Stanity (#7.5)" (2011)
Klaus: [to Roger] You're really gonna kill five people over $20?
Roger the Alien: Are you really asking that to the guy who just last week killed six people over $19?

"American Dad!: Helping Handis (#1.21)" (2006)
Stan Smith: [Stan and Roger open the bedroom door and find Steve laying on the bed reading while a line of guys take turns feeling his breast] Oh my god! My son's a slut!
Roger the Alien: Oh my god! I just made that bed!

"American Dad!: Son of Stan (#6.2)" (2010)
Roger the Alien: Myeeeah!

"American Dad!: I Am the Walrus (#6.13)" (2011)
Roger the Alien: Here's a condom. Don't use it. Do what I do. Pretend to put it on, then hide it in your poop cannon.

"American Dad!: Lincoln Lover (#2.4)" (2006)
Roger the Alien: [excited about Stan's fancy new drink] Oh my god, what is this and how can I replace my blood with it?

"American Dad!: Ricky Spanish (#7.17)" (2012)
Roger: [dressed in Ricky Spanish costume] Damn I look good in this. Tilda Swinton good.

"American Dad!: Widowmaker (#3.12)" (2008)
Roger the Alien: [after stopping the show to receive an award for the 1000th vagina joke] Wow. I don't know what to say. Except I'd like to thank vaginas everywhere. They're creepy and I don't know what they're used for but they sure are funny!

"American Dad!: Frannie 911 (#3.9)" (2008)
Francine Smith: [Francine slaps Roger]
Roger: Roger: You... You struck me with a bass.

"American Dad!: Bully for Steve (#5.16)" (2010)
Roger the Alien: [to Klaus] Remember we were watching CSI, I said I want to do that, you said you totally should, ring a bell?
Klaus: No. Are you sure you weren't high on angel dust and talking to the ceiling fan?

"American Dad!: Con Heir (#1.11)" (2005)
Roger the Alien: Um... yeah. Could somebody tell Snake Pliskin here to back off?