Clive Gollings
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Quotes for
Clive Gollings (Character)
from Paul (2011)

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Paul (2011)
Graeme Willy: Whats the matter Clive?
Clive Gollings: There is an alien in the kitchen making bagels and coffee.
Graeme Willy: Did you want tea?
Clive Gollings: No, I don't want tea!
Graeme Willy: Right, because tea is weird in America.

Clive Gollings: What if we wake up and find him inserting a probe into our anus?
Graeme Willy: Well apparently they don't do that.
Paul: [Paul wiggles his finger inside the hole of a bagel] Anyone want one of these? Yeah? Anyone?

Clive Gollings: [Putting the phone to his ear] It's ringing.
Paul: [Out of view] I wouldn't do that if I were you
[Clive and Graham turn around]
Paul: Put... the phone... down!
Clive Gollings: [Falling backwards fainting] Ha ha ha ha ha!
Paul: Aw fuck me.
Graeme Willy: [Looks to his right, then down, and then back at the approching alien] What did you do to him?
Paul: I didn't do anything to him - he fainted!
Graeme Willy: But you made him faint!
Paul: It's not like I set my phaser to faint!
Graeme Willy: You've got a phaser?

Clive Gollings: Agent Mulder was right!
Paul: Agent Mulder was my idea!

Sword Vendor: That there's the Black Vampire. Watch out! She bites.
Clive Gollings: How much?
Sword Vendor: $1349.99
Graeme Willy: Aren't you going to get it?
Clive Gollings: [Speaking in Klingon] Fuck that.

Clive Gollings: They're going to rape us and break our arms!
Graeme Willy: I don't want my arms broken.

Graeme Willy: Paul, what happens if you get caught?
Paul: Graeme, they are going to cut out my brain... Yeah it's fucked... kinda a buzz kill... Let's lighten the mood, shall we? Clive when did you last get laid?
Clive Gollings: Uh. Collectormania London '08... Ewok chick.
Paul: [sings] Clive likes boning space bears!

Clive Gollings: Ever since I saw "Mac and Me", I've dreamed about meeting you!

Clive Gollings: It's not fat, it's power!

Paul: [about boning an Ewok chick] What was it like?
Clive Gollings: Well... she was 'furry' nice!

Haggard: [Looking at Clive's novel] What is this, nerd porn?
Graeme Willy: Oh, no, that's Clive's...
Clive Gollings: It's my novel.
Haggard: [Looking at an alien on the cover] Ha! Three tits!
O'Reilly: That's awesome. You guys should have given her four tits.
Graeme Willy: [Looking disgusted] That's just sick.
O'Reilly: I was just sayin'...

State Trooper: Where are you boys from?
Clive Gollings: ...England.
State Trooper: I heard about that place: no guns.
Graeme Willy: Not many...
Clive Gollings: No, not really, just... farmers.
State Trooper: Well how are police supposed to shoot anybody?
Graeme Willy: [Uncomfortable] Well they don't...
Clive Gollings: They- they try not to...
[the state trooper stares at them suspiciously]
Gas Station Attendant: [Cash register rings, breaking the suspense] $15.58.
Graeme Willy: Um, twenty, keep the change... give it to charity or something.
[They hastily exit the store]

[last lines]
Adam Shadowchild: Please welcome to the stage, Clive Gollings and Graeme Willy. Give it up.
Graeme Willy, Clive Gollings: Three, two, one...
[take stage in front of cheering audience]

Agent Zoil: Pleasure to meet you boys. You did a hell of a job.
Clive Gollings: Thank you, Agent Zoil.
Agent Zoil: Please call me Lorenzo.
Clive Gollings, Graeme Willy: Lorenzo Zoil?

Graeme Willy: What do you think you're gonna dream about?
Clive Gollings: Oh, the open road. High adventure. That kind of thing. You?
Graeme Willy: Wonder woman.

Clive Gollings: Get your own Alien!