Andy Dwyer
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Quotes for
Andy Dwyer (Character)
from "Parks and Recreation" (2009)

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"Parks and Recreation: Flu Season (#3.2)" (2011)
Andy Dwyer: [Leslie is sick] Leslie, I typed your symptoms into the thing up here and it says you could have network connectivity problems.

Andy Dwyer: [picking up the phone] Ron Swanson's office. Yeah, I'll transfer you.
[Andy presses a button and gets a dial tone]
Andy Dwyer: I just dropped another call.
[Ron gives Andy a thumbs up]

Ron Swanson: I haven't had lunch since yesterday, so I'm going over to Callahan's.
Andy Dwyer: No, don't go there. They totally skimp on pickles. Let me go to Big Head Joe's for you. They have the most insane burritos.
Ron Swanson: I don't much go for ethnic food.
Andy Dwyer: Trust me. They have one that's called the Meat Tornado.
[Ron gives him an interested look]
Andy Dwyer: Literally killed a guy last year.
Ron Swanson: You had me at Meat Tornado.

"Parks and Recreation: Soulmates (#3.10)" (2011)
Andy Dwyer: Did you you know that the food you eat becomes energy?
Andy Dwyer: [kicking the air] That's spaghetti.
Andy Dwyer: [punching the air] That's tacos.
Andy Dwyer: [doing another move] That's cereal.
April Ludgate: That's my husband.

Andy Dwyer: Chris?
Chris Traeger: Now Andy, I said one thing.
Andy Dwyer: April?
April Ludgate: Pinwheel.

Andy Dwyer: What's this?
Chris Traeger: Dragonfruit.
Chris Traeger: What's this?
Chris Traeger: Horned melon.
Andy Dwyer: What's this?
Chris Traeger: A peach.
Andy Dwyer: I knew that.

"Parks and Recreation: End of the World (#4.6)" (2011)
Andy Dwyer: Thank you so much. I never would've ever done this without you. Thank you.
[Andy pulls April into him and kisses her on the forehead]

Andy Dwyer: [at the Grand Canyon] Where are the faces... of the Presidents?

Bank teller: [counting out money] Eight hundred, nine hundred, one thousand.
April Ludgate: And how much is left in the bank account?
Bank teller: Eighteen dollars and four cents.
Andy Dwyer: Woah, still a lot left over.
April Ludgate: Okay. You wanted to hold a thousand dollars cash in your hands...
[hands money to Andy and snaps fingers]
Andy Dwyer: ...That's super disappointing.
Bank teller: [counting out singles] ... Nine hundred ninety eight, nine hundred ninety night, one thousand.
Andy Dwyer: Yes! Now *this* is what I imagined!
Andy Dwyer: Have you ever seen this much cash in your entire *life*?
Bank teller: I just handed it to you.
Andy Dwyer: Nickels. I want nickles. A billion nickles!
April Ludgate: No, Andy...

"Parks and Recreation: The Comeback Kid (#4.11)" (2012)
[Ben is sitting in the living room when a three legged dog walks in]
Ben Wyatt: Hi.
April Ludgate: Champion?
Andy Dwyer: Champion, oh there you are. We thought we lost you.
Ben Wyatt: That is a three legged dog.
Andy Dwyer: Yeah, his name is Champion. Because he is the world dog champion.
Ben Wyatt: I'm sorry. I have to ask this, but how many legs did that dog have when you found him?
Andy Dwyer: Three! That's what makes him the best. He can do more with three legs than most dogs can do with four.
April Ludgate: Except for digging. He's really bad at digging.

Andy Dwyer: Hi Amy, I tried to make ramen in the coffee machine and I broke everything.

"Parks and Recreation: Bus Tour (#4.21)" (2012)
Andy Dwyer: Codenames: Mine is "Eagle 1." Ann is "Been there, done that". April is "Currently doing that." Donna is "It happened once in a dream." Chris is "If I had to pick a dude." Ben is "Eagle 2."
Ben Wyatt: Oh, thank God.

Andy Dwyer: Eagle 1: "Been there, done that" is leaving the stage. "I'd be lying if I said 'I hadn't thought about it'" is in position.

"Parks and Recreation: I'm Leslie Knope (#4.1)" (2011)
Tammy One: Sit up straight. You're not doing your breasts any favors.
April Ludgate: Thank you.
Andy Dwyer: Wow, honey! Your breasts look amazing!

Tom Haverford: Here's my card.
Andy Dwyer: It's impossible to read.
Tom Haverford: Black Print. Black Background. Coolest Possible Color Scheme!
Andy Dwyer: Yeah!
Tom Haverford: It's also a strong magnet, so keep it out of your wallet. It will destroy your credit cards! Guar-en-teed!
Andy Dwyer: Destroy my credit cards? Debt and everything?

"Parks and Recreation: The Master Plan (#2.23)" (2010)
Andy Dwyer: That high five was your birthday present. Just kidding, hahaha, that wasn't it. I got you something else. I wrote you a song.
April Ludgate: Really? What's it called?
Andy Dwyer: Not telling, but I'll give you a clue. It's named after a month out of the year.
April Ludgate: So, April?
Andy Dwyer: No... that would have been way better.

Andy Dwyer: Let me ask you a quick question: what's the youngest a girl can be that if uh, we go out, I'm not a total scumbag?
Tom Haverford: You know the old rule. Half your age plus seven.
Andy Dwyer: Half my age, plus seven. Oh, okay. Well I'm 29, so half of... 29, add seven... that's only 20, is...
Tom Haverford: Twenty...
Andy Dwyer: 20 years old.
Tom Haverford:
Andy Dwyer: 21.
Tom Haverford: and a half.
Andy Dwyer: Yep.
Tom Haverford: Yep.
Andy Dwyer: We got the same thing with the equation on that one. Here's the thing, what if she's slightly younger? Can I go out with someone younger than that?
Tom Haverford: Please! You totally can!
Andy Dwyer: Yeah!
[In confessional]
Andy Dwyer: Tom says it's okay!... That probably means it isn't okay.

"Parks and Recreation: Beauty Pageant (#2.3)" (2009)
Ann Perkins: [looking at Andy's tent in the pit] Do you live down here?
Andy Dwyer: What?
Andy Dwyer: Whaaat? Yes.
Ann Perkins: Oh my god...

Andy Dwyer: [to Ann] Is Mark the guy who's "fixing your shower?" I don't know about you, Mark, but I've seen a ton of porn and I know what "fixing your shower" means.

"Parks and Recreation: Sex Education (#5.4)" (2012)
Ann Perkins: Seniors can get pretty ornery.
Andy Dwyer: I think that's pronounced horny.

Leslie Knope: Let's pretend we're old people and ask Ann our most dirtiest questions. I'll start.
Leslie Knope: [imitating an old lady] I'm an old lady. Why do I need birth control? I haven't had my monthly since LBJ was president.
Ann Perkins: Well with the elderly, we're not so much worried about pregnancy, we're worried about disease.
Andy Dwyer: Do pubic hairs get longer the older you get?
Ann Perkins: I don't think so.
Andy Dwyer: Because it's happening to me.
Donna Meagle: Where can I get lube that is healthy?
Andy Dwyer: I rolled my testicles with my jazzy scooter.
Leslie Knope: I say you look good, nursy. I want to jump on that caboose. Choo choo!
Ann Perkins: [pointing to Donna] You should never eat lube.
Ann Perkins: [pointing to Andy] You need to see a doctor immediately.
Ann Perkins: [pointing to Leslie] And I'm sorry sir, but you need to be under 40 to ride this train.

"Parks and Recreation: Jerry's Painting (#3.11)" (2011)
Ben Wyatt: Were you frying marbles?
Andy Dwyer: We were testing to see if the smoke detector worked.
April Ludgate: It doesn't.

Andy Dwyer: Not to sound like I'm bad, because you're my boss and my friend, but I would hit that.
April Ludgate: Me too.

"Parks and Recreation: Harvest Festival (#3.7)" (2011)
April Ludgate: Hey. I love you.
Andy Dwyer: Dude, seriously? That is awesome sauce!

Tom Haverford: It's your fault Lil Sebastian is missing.
Jerry Gergich: You were the one who was supposed to be watching him.
April Ludgate: Jerry, could you please shut up? I can't hear myself not talking to Andy.
Andy Dwyer: Ron, I don't know what I did wrong.
April Ludgate: Ron, tell him he's stupid.
Ron Swanson: OH, all of you shut up! Andy, April is mad because you said 'Awesome sauce' instead of 'I love you, too'. April, he loves you, so stop being a child. Tom, we all know that you lost Lil Sebastian. Jerry, you shouldn't have been burying your face into funnel cakes. Now all of you apologize.

"Parks and Recreation: Ron & Tammys (#4.2)" (2011)
Andy Dwyer: Oh my God! There's a room full of just guns!
Leslie Knope: Why do you have so many guns?
Tammy Zero: This is America isn't it?
Leslie Knope: Yes.
Tammy Zero: Then I don't have to answer stupid questions while standing on my own property. Let's go.
April Ludgate: Ok well that's definitely Ron's mom.

Leslie Knope: Basically, we're being attacked by Godzilla, and to beat Godzilla, we need Mothra. No offense.
Tammy Two: None taken. I'm very flattered. Who's this? Who's this tall drink of water?
Andy Dwyer: Andy.
Tammy Two: Hey, Andy. How's it hanging?
Leslie Knope: Listen, we need to break Ron from her spell! Can't you just move your butt around or wear a dress made out of meat?
Tammy Two: Well I could do all of these things, and have, but that bitch is crazy. When Ron left her and we got together, she threw acid on my foot.
April Ludgate: Ew!
Andy Dwyer: Can we take a peek at it?
Tammy Two: Listen, Tammy One was my Sunday School teacher, too. She can pinpoint your weaknesses and destroy you with just one word. And a jar of acid.

"Parks and Recreation: Galentine's Day (#2.16)" (2010)
Kyle: Andy, I've been here for half an hour. Can I have my shoeshine?
Andy Dwyer: Dude... Kyle, I'm gonna lose my shit on you if you ask me one more time.

Andy Dwyer: I'm pretty sure that was the old lady version of flashing.

"Parks and Recreation: London: Part 1 (#6.1)" (2013)
Andy Dwyer: Look, Hogwarts.
Ben Wyatt: No, that's Buckingham Palace. Hogwarts is fictional. You do know that, don't you? It's important to me that you know that.

"Parks and Recreation: Ron and Tammy (#2.8)" (2009)
Ann Perkins: I don't know, at least he finally has a real job. When we were dating, the only job he had was sending audition tapes to Survivor and Deal or no Deal.
Andy Dwyer: [Andy is shirtless with a headband, talking to a Camcorder] Hi, my name is Andy Dwyer, and I would be a perfect contestant for Deal or no Deal!
[Andy rips guts out of a dead fish]

"Parks and Recreation: Road Trip (#3.14)" (2011)
Andy Dwyer: I've got the greatest wife in the world! We're married!
April Ludgate: Stop.
Andy Dwyer: We're totally gonna do it later.
April Ludgate: Gosh!

"Parks and Recreation: Citizen Knope (#4.10)" (2011)
Ann Perkins: Leslie wishes she could be here herself to give you these presents, but she's suspended. Oh, and also, she said they're not from her, they're from Santa Claus.
Andy Dwyer: Can I go first?
[to camera; shows his framed gold record]
Andy Dwyer: Mouserat: Certified gold! Over 100 copies sold in Pawnee! I need a picture of me holding this so I can frame it.
Donna Meagle: Personalized leopard-printed robe, pink feather cuffs, and on the back in rhinestones,
[turns around]
Donna Meagle: "You Can Get It!"
Tom Haverford: "I know you're sad you couldn't get tickets to the Watch the Throne tour, so I got you a watch and a tiny throne instead." And check it out, she even took out the dumb clock part and put this in:
[shows text that says... ]
Tom Haverford: "Baller Time!"
April Ludgate: [Holds up painting of her and the Black Eyed Peas' decapitated heads, with a shirtless Andy nearby] These are the Black Eyed Peas, and I finally killed them. It's a Christmas miracle.
Ron Swanson: Every year, I give Leslie the same present I give everyone: a crisp 20 dollar bill. And every year, she gets me something thoughtful and personal. It makes me furious. This year, she outdid herself.
[Presses a clicker that closes both of his office doors at once]
Ron Swanson: She had it installed over the weekend. It's so...
[starts crying]
Ron Swanson: it's so beautiful.

"Parks and Recreation: The Treaty (#4.7)" (2011)
Andy Dwyer: If you rearrange the letters of Peru you can spell Europe.
Ben Wyatt: That's... that's not true.
Andy Dwyer: Well, you have to rearrange them.

"Parks and Recreation: Halloween Surprise (#5.5)" (2012)
Andy Dwyer: [talking into tape recorder] 7:34 p.m. Man dressed as a nerd. Female dressed as... crazy witch.
Man: Neither of us is in costume.
Andy Dwyer: Case closed. Candy please.

"Parks and Recreation: The Possum (#2.18)" (2010)
Leslie Knope: Oh, hey Shauna.
Shauna Malwae-Tweep: Hi Leslie.
Leslie Knope: Hi! Andy, you remember Shauna Malwae-Tweep, from the Pawnee Journal?
Andy Dwyer: How could I forget!
[They shake hands]
Andy Dwyer: You wrote the article when I fell in the pit, and then afterwards had sex with Mark, and everyone talked about it.

"Parks and Recreation: 2017 (#7.1)" (2015)
Jerry Gergich: [Playing a mailman on Andy's show] Hello, Johnny. I have something for you.
Andy Dwyer: Hello, Terry. I have something for you too.
Jerry Gergich: Oh, Andy, no...
Andy Dwyer: Ninjas, attack!
[Kids dressed as ninjas swarm over Jerry]
Andy Dwyer: Just three hits each, kids.

"Parks and Recreation: Ron and Diane (#5.9)" (2012)
Andy Dwyer: I'm allergic to sushi. Every time I eat more than 80 sushis, I barf.

"Parks and Recreation: Telethon (#2.22)" (2010)
Barney: And that concludes a quick look at QuickBook... s Pro.
Andy Dwyer: [laughs] QuickBook... s.

"Parks and Recreation: The Bubble (#3.15)" (2011)
Ethel Beavers: You two are just the cutest things on four legs.
Muriel: But why so much black? It's like you're going to a funeral?
Andy Dwyer: She's got a point, babe.
April Ludgate: So marry her then.
Muriel: Ooh, I wish!
Tom Haverford: Hey, sorry to interrupt the love fest, but can you hand me that folder please, Ethel?
[Ethel drops the folder on the floor]
Tom Haverford: Oh, great. Why you gotta be like that, Ethel?
Ethel Beavers: Looks like someone got up on the wrong side of the crib.
[Muriel laughs]
Tom Haverford: Stop laughing, Muriel.
[Ethel and Muriel laugh]
Tom Haverford: STOP IT!