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: [seeing Nana Mary's new husband
] So uh, who's the looker? Beverly Harris
: This is Joe, that's all she tells me, just Joe. Roseanne Conner
: Hey Joe, whaddaya know? Nana Mary
: Now he doesn't hear so well, Rosey, but that's the price you pay for defending your country against the Kaiser.
: You know, I had two abortions when I was young. Beverly Harris
: Mother! You what? Nana Mary
: Now what if I'd decided to have an abortion with you, Roseanne? Or your sister? What would've happened then? Roseanne Conner
: Would you like me to tell you, Mom? Maybe you wouldn't have had to marry some guy you didn't love and you would've had a happy and fulfilling life. Wouldn't that be an abomination? Beverly Harris
: Yes it would, Roseanne, because I know the difference between right and wrong. And abortion is wrong. Roseanne Conner
: Well thank you for giving us all the truth, mother. I've always wondered what that red phone was doing in your apartment with the word GOD on it.
: So now dinner's been interrupted. I mean, will nothing go right this year? Nana Mary
: Oh stop bellyaching, Beverly! All you do is complain! Try to think of one thing you can be grateful for this year. Beverly Harris
: Yes, I'm grateful for such a sensitive mother who always supports me and nurtures me and never treats me like dirt beneath her feet! Nana Mary
: There you go, you thought of it!
: [an officer informs her that for a first D.U.I. offense, she will have to attend Alcoholics Anonymous, aka A.A
] What! I'm not an alcoholic! I only had *one* glass of wine! Roseanne
: Well, it doesn't count as *one* glass if you refill it *ten times*!
: [at her first A.A. meeting
] This is soooo degrading! I don't even know why I'm here. Roseanne
: Well then, let me remind you; glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug.
: [after the A.A. meeting
] I'm an alcoholic. Roseanne
: Come on, Mom, is this like the time you saw Witness and thought you were Amish?
: Get out. Bev Harris
: What? Roseanne
: Get out of here before *I* have a drink. You're not just a drunk, you're a carrier. Bev Harris
: I'm an alcoholic, Roseanne, don't you know what that means? Roseanne
: Yeah, I know what it means, it means you drink like you always drank, only now you say you're an alcoholic because you think that that way you don't have to take any responsibility for anything that you do.
: And he's not the only man like that! They're all cut from the same cloth.Which is why I don't particularly care for men! Frankly, to sleep with a man is to know how much you hate them! By the end of my marriage, the only way I could have sex with my husband was if I stopped off at the store and bought myself a Playboy first!
[looks shocked at what she just said
] Darlene Conner-Healy
: [after several reaction shots
] Well, I think Grandma's just outed herself! D.J. Conner
: Oh God!
[covers his face
] Nana Mary
: I've always know it since she's a little girl. She always liked flannel.
: I would like to give thanks that I am not a young child being raised by two very tasteful but nonetheless light in the loafers... Roseanne Conner
: Mom! Mom! Look around you! Nobody's talking about that anymore! Beverly Harris
: I just don't think two men should raise a child. I married a man! He was cruel to my children and cheated on me, he had horrible table manners and he made me drive an old car with bald tires! The bastard! Roseanne Conner
: Mother! Try to save a little something for Christmas!
: I brought a Jell-O mold with kiwis. Jackie Harris
: Mother, we have caterers preparing the food this year. Beverly Harris
: Did any of them make a Jell-O mold? Jackie Harris
: No. Beverly Harris
: Then I guess somebody should say 'thank you mother'! Roseanne Conner
: Go ahead, Jimmy. Caterer
: [mocking Bev
] Thank you mother!
: Stop with the stories, mother, I don't know who my father is! Nana Mary
: Well then we're even! Neither do I!
: You remember when I used to get drunk with Hemingway? Beverly Harris
: I wasn't there. Nana Mary
: But you remember.
: [Nana Mary revealed she doesn't know who Bev's father is
] You really have no idea? Nana Mary
: No, though I have it narrowed down to four men, well two really because you can't paint so it can't be Picasso, and you don't have any musical talent so it can't be Arthur Rubinstein. Beverly Harris
: Well I can sing, can it be Louis Armstrong? Nana Mary
: That is a definite possibility.
: I think we should all have some tea... and then pour large amounts of Brandy into it. Roseanne
: Darlene, would you put on some water, and then... bring the Brandy down from your room. Darlene
: Very funny. Don't you think if I had Brandy in my room, I'd spend more time at home?
: [about her dead ex-husband's long-time mistress attending the funeral
] Perhaps she and I can draw straws over who gets to throw themselves on the coffin.
: I think you should be shot. I long for the days when we could brand someone like you with a scarlet letter, leaving you a lonely miserable outcast and if you ever contract an incurable and very painful disease I will not be able to stop myself from dancing a jig of glee.
: [the girls are curious if their Mom is seeing Jake, from her retirement community
] Please, girls, I'm not in the market. I spent forty years taking care of your father, and I'm not going to do that again. Roseanne Conner
: Well relax, in forty years, all that guy's gonna need is just an occasional mowing.
: Oh, Beverly. Don't stop me if you've heard this one before. Did you read about the lady who was so in love with the priest, she followed him around the church, and grabbed him by the organ? Bev Harris
: [making a disgusted face
] You put your teeth in that mouth!
: And, Ma, I forgot to tell you, um. Dan wanted you to, um, come bowling with us tonight. Bev Harris
: I'd love to. I'm sure I've still got one of your father's balls around somewhere. Jake
: Alimony wasn't enough?
: [after D.J. threw his chopsticks
] Roseanne, will you keep your children in line! I didn't raise my kids to throw chopsticks.
: [to Leon
] You may think I'm crazy, but it is the women's movement that has destroyed the family unit!
: I am warning you, Mom. If you don't stop treating me like a child, I'm packed up, and out of your place by tonight. Bev Harris
: That's the coffee talking, Jackie. Jackie Harris
: Hold on a second.
[to the coffee cup
] Jackie Harris
: What's that? Okay, I'll tell her. The coffee says that you're a meddling old bat, who's sapping my will to *live*!
: Well, I'm sorry if I care about you, Jackie, but I watch you every day. I'm just concerned about this reckless life-style of yours! Jackie Harris
: [nearly shouts
] Reckless life-style? I am living with my Mother in a *Retirement Community*!
: When I wore that wedding dress, I had to take it in 10 inches. Nana Mary
: Yeah, around the boobs.
: Why did it have to be an outdoor hippie wedding? Dan Conner
: Because the moon's in the 7th house?
: [to Roseanne about Dan
] What kind of list is he making? Not that it's any of my business. Dan Conner
: A hit list.
: [expressing why she worries about Jackie
] Well somebody has to. She's 32, she's unmarried. Heaven forbid that she turns out to be like your Aunt Dale... who teaches P.E. Roseanne Conner
: Speaking of Aunt Dale, how is Uncle Shirley?
: I really don't think it's wise for anyone in this family to be giving away livers.
: [Roseanne told her Jackie is pregnant
] Well, I always knew something like this would happen. She got married and didn't invite me! Roseanne
: No, Mom, she did not get *married*, she just got *pregnant*, and you're right - she didn't invite you.
: I can't believe it, I survived a World War, the Korean War... well technically that wasn't a war, it was a police sanction.
: [Jackie has told Bev about the lottery ticket she bought
] Well, its nice you can still dream since reality has been so unkind.
: You know, now that we have this money, *I* don't have to be a Democrat anymore!
: Tell me, Roseanne, how many women can look that good without a drop of makeup? And your hair's adorable! Jackie
: Thanks, Mom. Beverly Harris
: You know, I'm almost glad your father didn't make it. This gives us girls a chance to have some fun. Jackie
: This is Mom, isn't it? Roseanne
: I'm not sure. Hold on, let me check that birthmark behind her neck. 6-6-5. Close enough.
: Ek-gads, imagine, a child loving his mother. I hope you can *snap* him out of it, Roseanne. Roseanne Conner
: This is not about Dan loving his Mother. Okay, you can still love your mother even though you know that she is a crazy old *shrew*. Bev Harris
: Don't think that I can't read between *those* lines, Roseanne.
: Do I smell my favorite yankee potroast? What's the occasion? Roseanne Conner
: No occasion. Dan hit a Yankee on the way home.
: [after Stacy embarrasses her with a sexual question
] Well I'm leaving! I'm going to have a respectable conversation with a couple of long-shoreman!
: I think my problem is I never found out what it is I like. Maybe it would help if you told me what you liked. Roseanne Conner
: Uh... okay... I like it when Dan rubs my shoulders, just like you.