Jeff Winger
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Quotes for
Jeff Winger (Character)
from "Community" (2009)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"Community: Modern Warfare (#1.23)" (2010)
Disco Stu: Study group! Come out and play-ee-ay
Jeff Winger: Oh, look! It's post-ironic Disco Stu! You still trying to bring it back?
[Sees more disco-clad people on quad skates roll in]
Jeff Winger: Damn. He brought it back.

Abed Nadir: [Hears singing in the distance] Glee club.
Britta Perry: How do you know it's the Glee Club?
Abed Nadir: Listen.
Annie Edison: [Hears them sing a rendition of "Hit Me With Your Best Shot" by Pat Benatar] Oh, brother!
[Gets up]
Annie Edison: That is *so* uninspired!
[Gets shot]
Jeff Winger: I'm not so sure...

Jeff Winger: [after waking from an hour-long nap, he wakes up to the school seemingly empty and paint-splattered. He stumbles upon a paint-splattered guy sitting on the ground] What is going on?
Garrett: The-the paintball game was-was s-starting, and the-the dean, the dean announced the-the prize. *The prize!* We-we turned on each other like-like animals!
Jeff Winger: What was the prize?
Garrett: *Was?* This is not over! This is still happening! *Right now!*
[Get's shot by Leonard]
Jeff Winger: Leonard? Leonard! I'm not playing!
Leonard: *Everyone's playing!*

Jeff Winger: *Checkmate Bitches!*
[along with Troy and Abed, shoots Chess Team]
Jeff Winger: And tell the Drama Club their tears will be real today.

Jeff Winger: Write some original songs!

Britta Perry: Oh my God, you've been hit!
Jeff Winger: What? Oh no!
[checks red stain]
Jeff Winger: Wait, wait... it's blood.
[laughs]
Jeff Winger: I thought it was paint but I'm just bleeding. Talk about luck!

Annie Edison: Let's get back to Britta and Jeff.
Jeff Winger: There is no Britta and Jeff!
Pierce Hawthorne: He said, fully erect.

Pierce Hawthorne: You guys formed an alliance without me?
Jeff Winger: Yeah. You with Star-Burns?
Pierce Hawthorne: Not if I can be with you.
[Shoots Star-Burns]
Star-Burns: Ow!
Pierce Hawthorne: It's okay, it's just Star-Burns.

Britta Perry: Shirley, I'm gonna win that prize for you and your boys!
Shirley Bennett: That's nice.
Jeff Winger: Shirley, I'm gonna win that prize, but not for you or your boys!
Shirley Bennett: That's less nice.

Jeff Winger: Don't tell me you had sex with me just to win at paintball.
Britta Perry: No. I had sex with you and I'm going to win at paintball. Don't be gross.

Dean Pelton: [after Jeff shoots his office] You get it all out of your system?
Jeff Winger: [laughs] Almost.
[Pulls a paintgun from behind his back and shoots Pelton in the forehead]
Dean Pelton: What do you want from me, Jeffrey?
Jeff Winger: Guess.

[the study group is pinned down by the glee club]
Jeff Winger: Pierce! Do NOT come over here!
Pierce Hawthorne: Screw you! I'm coming over there!
[Pierce crawls out from behind cover and gets hit multiple times]
Pierce Hawthorne: Medic!


"Community: Pilot (#1.1)" (2009)
Jeff Winger: I see your value now.
Abed: That is the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.

Abed: I thought you were like Bill Murray in any of his films, but you're more like Michael Douglas in any of his films.
Jeff Winger: Yeah, well you have Aspergers.

Jeff Winger: There is a guy trying out for the track team that is older than the game of poker.

Jeff Winger: I discovered at a very early age that if I talk long enough, I can make anything right or wrong. So either I'm God or truth is relative. In either case, booyah!
Duncan: Interesting, it's just that the average person has a much harder time saying 'booyah' to moral relativism.

Duncan: I'm a Professor. You can't talk to me that way!
Jeff Winger: A 6 year old girl could talk to you that way!
Duncan: Yes, because that would be adorable.
Jeff Winger: No, because you're a 5 year old girl and theres a pecking order!

Jeff Winger: I'm in a bit of a jam. The Bar Association just suspended my license. Turns out my law degree was not legitimate.
Duncan: I thought you had a Bachelor's from Columbia.
Jeff Winger: Now I have to get one from America. And it can't be an e-mail attachment.

Jeff Winger: I'm taking the class as an easy credit. I'm actually a Spanish tutor.
Britta Perry: Oh, really? Say that in Spanish.
Jeff Winger: You duermo tarde Español, una hora mas, no arañes my coche.
[Translation: I sleep late Spanish, one more hour, don't scratch my car]

Pierce Hawthorne: I like you, Jeffrey. You remind me of myself at your age.
Jeff Winger: I deserved that.

Duncan: Have you ever heard of the saying "Cheaters never prosper"?
Jeff Winger: Duncan, if I wanted to learn something, I wouldn't have gone to community college.

Britta Perry: So this is a game to you? You put human beings into a state of emotional shambles for a shot at getting in my pants?
Jeff Winger: Why can't you see that for the compliment that it is?

Jeff Winger: What makes humans different from other animals? We're the only species on earth that observes Shark Week. Sharks don't even observe Shark Week, but we do. For the same reason I can pick up this pencil, tell you it's name is Steve and go like this
[breaks pencil]
Jeff Winger: and part of you dies just a little bit on the inside. Because people can connect with anything. We can sympathize with a pencil, we can forgive a shark, and we can give Ben Affleck and Academy Award for screenwriting. People can find the good in just about anything but themselves. Look at me. It's clear to all of you that I am awesome. But I could never admit that. That would make me an ass. But what I can do is see what makes Annie awesome. She's driven. We need driven people or the lights go out and the ice cream melts. And Pierce, we need guys like Pierce. This guy has wisdom to offer. We should listen to him some time. We wouldn't regret it. And Shirley, Shirley has earned our respect. Not as a wife, not as a mother, but as a woman. Don't test her on that, because that thing about the jukebox was too specific to be improvised. And Troy. Who cares if Troy thinks he's all that? Maybe he is. You think astronauts go to the moon because they hate oxygen? No, they're trying to impress their high school's prom king. And Abed. Abed's a shaman. You ask him to pass the salt, he gives you a bowl of soup. Because you know what, soup is better. Abed is better. You are all better than you think you are. You are designed not to believe it when you hear it from yourself. I want you to look to the person to your left. Sorry. Look at the person sitting next to you. I want you to extend to that person the same compassion you extend to sharks, pencils and Ben Affleck. I want you to say to that person, "I forgive you." You've just stopped being a study group. You have become something unstoppable. I hear by pronounce you a Community.

Britta Perry: Shouldn't you be rolling around on a bed covered in test answers?
Jeff Winger: I don't have any of the answers. I'm gonna... I'm gonna flunk the test.
Troy: You should just study for like an hour. It's not that hard.
[laughs]
Troy: You seem pretty smart. You got a sports coat.
Jeff Winger: Eh. Me. Funny thing about being smart is that you can get through most of life without ever having to do any work. So, uh, not really sure how to do that.


"Community: Football, Feminism and You (#1.6)" (2009)
Jeff Winger: You're just as selfish as I am - you're just not as good at it yet.

Jeff Winger: This decision has to be yours, T-Bone. And this decision has to be yes.
Troy: How did you know my nickname was T-Bone?
Jeff Winger: Because you're a football player and your name begins with "T." Your name... begins... with "T."

Abed Nadir: Will they or won't they? Sexual tension.
Jeff Winger: Abed, it makes the group uncomfortable when you talk about us like we're characters in a show you're watching.
Abed Nadir: Well, that's sort of my gimmick. But we did lean on it pretty hard last week. I can lay low for an episode.

Dean Pelton: Troy, did you know that Greendale has a football team?
Jeff Winger: Did you know they had a football?

Pierce Hawthorne: Gentlemen, I present to you the Greendale Human Being.
Jeff Winger: That's a falcon with a gun.
[Pierce turns the drawing on its side]
Jeff Winger: Now it's a falcon with an erection.

Jeff Winger: Maybe you and I should check out the Greendale Thunder Dome.
[Cut to Jeff and Troy at a bare-bones football field]
Jeff Winger: The dome arrives later. It comes with thunder.

Jeff Winger: I'm locked out of my old kingdom. You're not. You see what I'm saying?
Troy Barnes: You're saying I could be a lawyer.
Jeff Winger: I'm saying you're a football player! It's in your blood!
Troy Barnes: That's racist.
Jeff Winger: Your soul!
Troy Barnes: That's racist.
Jeff Winger: Your eyes?
Troy Barnes: That's gay?
Jeff Winger: That's homophobic.
Troy Barnes: That's black.
Jeff Winger: That's racist!
Troy Barnes: ...Damn!

Jeff Winger: I just think we were both wrong.
Annie Edison: Really? Because I'm an 18-year-old girl, and you made me cry in public.
Jeff Winger: Okay, maybe I was a little more wrong.

Jeff Winger: I'm saying, you're a football player. It's in your blood!
Troy Barnes: That's racist.
Jeff Winger: Your soul.
Troy Barnes: That's RACIST.
Jeff Winger: Your eyes?
Troy Barnes: That's gay.
Jeff Winger: That's homophobic.
Troy Barnes: That's black.
Jeff Winger: THAT'S racist.
Troy Barnes: Damn.

Dean Pelton: [blackmailing Jeff] Oh! Goodness. Look what we've stumbled on to, an opportunity to help each other out. I suppose I wouldn't need this promotional campaign if I could announce to the press that Troy Barnes is playing football here.
Jeff Winger: I think he's been pretty clear about declining that offer.
Dean Pelton: I think if you said "Jump", he'd say "How high?". If you said "Stomp", "he'd say "Hammer time!".

Pierce Hawthorne: I think if we add in a little Phylicia Rashad, we'll be in better shape.
Dean Pelton: Yeah, you're right. That beige is a little light.
Jeff Winger: Um... Wow.
Dean Pelton: Yeah. Yeah. We are developing the perfect mascot. No stereotypical identifiers from any race or gender.
Pierce Hawthorne: You see, Jeff, this is a chart of the features we're staying away from: Pan-Asian eye folds, uh, Irish chins, women's breasts.
Jeff Winger: Is that Seal?
Dean Pelton: Oh, that is our human color wheel. It goes from Seal to Seal's teeth.
Pierce Hawthorne: What do you think?
Jeff Winger: I think not being racist is the new racism.


"Community: Romantic Expressionism (#1.15)" (2010)
Jeff Winger: You know what I don't get? He never wears a shirt; he never wears shoes: why hasn't he died from lack of service?

Jeff Winger: She's 18! Her taste in men is still being established. Creepier and creepier dudes will start thinking of her as an option, and it all starts with Vaughn. He's a gateway douche-bag.
Britta: People collide! Things happen. It can't be controlled. Right?
Jeff Winger: And that can be your toast at her shotgun wedding to Star-Burns... oh yeah, turn to your left, turn to your right. Yeah, we can see BOTH of them. It's like a constellation on your face... Oh hey man, what's up?
Star-Burns: [waving] You see that guy over there? He's a douchebag.

Jeff Winger: Troy, I want you to clear your mind.
Troy: DONE.

Annie Edison: Hey, guys! Thanks for getting involved in my love life, that was super cool and mature of you! Oh, and since you're both clearly idiots, I should probably let you know that I'm being sarcastic!
[storms out]
Troy: Hey, guys! Thanks for taking ugly Annie out of the palm of my hand and turning her into another hottie that will never get with me!
[storms out]
Leonard: Hey, guys! Thanks for eating all the macaroni!
Jeff Winger: Shut up, Leonard! No one even knows what you're talking about!
[Leonard leaves]
Jeff Winger: ...I did eat all the macaroni. It's messed up that he knows.

Britta: Fine! I cared. I'm a girly girl. I like boys, and I don't like it when they're mean to me, and I don't like it when they stop kissing me and start kissing my friends, I'm not that cool, I'm not JUNO, homeslice.
Jeff Winger: This is what this was about for you? You were jealous?
Britta: Oh, please. You can't tell me you weren't jealous that Vaughn had his hippie hands all over your debate-slash-make-out partner.
Annie Edison: What are you insinuating? I took that kiss for the team!
Jeff Winger: What?... yeah. That kiss wasn't for pleasure, it was strategic and joyless.
Annie Edison: What?... yeah.
Troy: You did get weirdly specific describing Annie's body.
Jeff Winger: More specific than the stuff you told me about Britta?
Britta, Annie Edison: What?
Shirley Bennett: Does anyone get specific about me?
Pierce Hawthorne: Check your e-mail.
Shirley Bennett: I mark you as spam.
Pierce Hawthorne: Who the hell is Pam?

Jeff Winger: Crash course in manipulation: you don't tell the person what you want them to do. You help them realize they want to do it. That way it can't be traced back to you.
Britta: Hmm, got it.
[Jeff and Britta walk up to Troy]
Britta: Chemistry, sexy. You know what else it sexy? Annie.
[Jeff rolls his eyes]
Troy: I know chemistry is sexy, but Annie? I don't see it.
Britta: You really don't see how pretty Annie is?
Troy: Maybe it's because I knew her in high school before she dropped out when she still had acne and a pill addiction and a nervous breakdown ending with her running into a plate-glass window screaming "everyone's a robot!"

Pierce Hawthorne: His songs are dumber than he is.
Jeff Winger: Yeah, but they're honest.

Annie Edison: Why are we even talking about this?
Jeff Winger: 'Cause you started having sex with Britta's ex-boyfriend.
Annie Edison: We haven't even kissed yet!
Pierce Hawthorne: That doesn't mean you're not having sex.

Jeff Winger: Fine, okay. I guess we're not really family. It's more complicated than that because unlike a real family there's nothing to stop any one of us from looking at each other as sexual prospects.

Jeff Winger: I can hear her armpit hair growing from here.


"Community: Introduction to Statistics (#1.7)" (2009)
Senor Chang: [about Professor Slater] Is there a breeze here? Because someone struck out!
Jeff Winger: She blew you off too, Chang.
Senor Chang: Is that what you have to fall back on? Look at me, bro. Look at me. I've got the body of a fifth grader. If I was working with what you've got, she'd be at the Comfort Inn right now giving me a Mexican Halloween.

Britta: Nice of you to be here. I'm sure you'd rather be out with your hot professor.
Jeff Winger: Well, it's funny. I enrolled here as a selfish loner, but you and the group have given me a crash course in friendship.
Britta: She blew you off, huh?
Jeff Winger: She's grading papers.
Senor Chang: Professor Slater? She's not grading papers. She's at the faculty party in the cafeteria.
Jeff Winger: Oh, look, it's the eavesdropping matador.
Senor Chang: Are you saying my people are sneaky?

Jeff Winger: Batman?
Abed: Yeah.
Jeff Winger: Are you staying for the party?
Abed: If I stay there can be no party. I must be out there in the night, staying vigilant. Where ever a party needs to be saved, I'm there. Where ever there are masks or if there's tom foolery in joy, I'm there. But sometimes I'm not because I'm out there in the night staying vigilant, watching, lurking, running, jumping, hurdling, sleeping. No I can't sleep. You sleep, I'm awake. I don't sleep. I don't blink. Am I a bird? No, I'm a bat. I am Batman. Or am I? Yes, I am Batman.
[Applies Chapstick]
Abed: Happy Halloween.

Britta: You're not going to Annie's party?
Jeff Winger: I have a conflict. It conflicts with the enjoyment of my life.

Jeff Winger: Pierce, stop grinding on the Women's Studies department. You are too old to be tripping.
Pierce Hawthorne: I'm old?
[Puts hands on Jeff's shoulders, then stares at them]
Pierce Hawthorne: Whose hands are these?

Troy: Jeff! Jeff! Jeff! Pierce is freaking out. You're the only one that can help!
Jeff Winger: What makes you think that?
Pierce Hawthorne: Is Jeff out there? He's the only one who can help!

Pierce Hawthorne: Those floating Mexican skeletons were right. My life is over.
Jeff Winger: Well, when we go to floating skeletons with our problems, we get what we pay for, don't we?

Jeff Winger: It's this campus. It feeds on my coolness. I got no moves anymore!
Senor Chang: Moves? Everything's a game to guys like you. I know one move I bet you've never tried in your life.
Jeff Winger: What is it?
[Chang whispers something in his ear]
Jeff Winger: [strolls over to Professor Slater, sits down and stares into her eyes] Please sleep with me. Please. Pretty please. I'm so lonely. I haven't slept with anyone in a very long time, and you are so good looking. Please do me the favor of having sex with me.

Britta: Whoa. Yippy-ky-ye. I thought you weren't a costume guy?
Jeff Winger: You had to have one to get in here, Squirrel.
Britta: Oh, so where did you get it? 'Cause I wouldn't think any costume stores would be open this late.
Jeff Winger: Well I... I don't know what you're getting at...
Britta: I think the words you're looking for are, "I own a cowboy outfit," and it is tight, too. Did you buy it like that? Your toy gun to my head, I'd say yes.
Professor Michelle Slater: Hi, Michelle Slater, PhD.
Britta: Britta Perry, GED.


"Community: Cooperative Calligraphy (#2.8)" (2010)
Jeff Winger: I have a date to catch, or should I say, a catch to date.
Britta Perry: [Rolling her eyes] I hope you just came up with that.

Pierce Hawthorne: We all know what we're really thinking. If, and i mean 'if' the culprit is among us, statistically speaking it's Troy.
Jeff Winger: Yes, we were all just thinking that, in 1856.

Britta Perry: [after searching Shirley's bag] Is this what you were trying to hide, Shirley? A pregnancy test?
Jeff Winger: And more importantly, are they seriously marketing pregnancy tests to black women?

Shirley Bennett: Uh, Jeff, you don't have a bag?
Jeff Winger: Oh, I could never deprive the world of a portion of my chest the strap would cover.

[Jeff searches Troy's backpack and finds only a pillow]
Jeff Winger: Okay. Troy just officially became my hero.

Jeff Winger: All right. It's not on the floor, so whoever accidentally took it...
Annie Edison: Not accidentally! Accidents don't just happen over and over and over again, okay? This isn't budget daycare.
Jeff Winger: Okay. Whoever insidiously and with great malice aforethought abducted Annie's pen, confess, repent and relinquish so we can leave.

Annie Edison: Jeff, you're in charge. I demand you deal with this.
Jeff Winger: There's nothing to deal with.
Abed Nadir: I'll say.
Jeff Winger: Okay, all right, all right, everyone breathe. You know what this is?
Abed Nadir: Yep.
Jeff Winger: Shut up. This is a normal day with a bunch of friends who are done studying and a pen maybe rolled away.
Annie Edison: Rolled away?
Jeff Winger: Or fell down someone's shoe.
Annie Edison: Let's check shoes.
Jeff Winger: Annie! Fine, fine. Someone in this room is hiding your pen. Wanna know why? They feel terrible. They made a mistake. They waited too long to come forward and now they feel bad.
Britta Perry: They should.
Jeff Winger: Okay, okay. So, pen thief, we understand what happened, and we forgive you.
Annie Edison: If you confess and apologize.
Jeff Winger: Right, but here's the trick: Because this person now has no reason not to come forward, if by some chance, I get to the count of three and nobody comes forward, guess what. We have to accept that no one has the pen, don't we?
[everyone makes a half-hearted agreeing sound]
Jeff Winger: Don't we?
[everyone makes the same sound again]
Jeff Winger: Good. So here we go. One. Two.
[Pierce raises his hand, and everyone points at him in an accusative way. Annie gasps]
Jeff Winger: Pierce, do you have something to tell us?
Pierce Hawthorne: Yes. Is it me, or has it become really obvious that Jeff took the pen?
[different people agree with this at the same time]
Jeff Winger: [angrily] You wanna make a bet, you jerks? Lockdown! Abed, seal the doors. Nobody leaves until this pen shows up.
Abed Nadir: I don't like this.
Jeff Winger: Yeah, tell it to the pen you might have.
[Jeff puts his phone to his ear]
Jeff Winger: Gwynnifer? Hi. Yeah, it's me. I can't make it. Well, tell your disappointment to suck it. I'm doing a bottle episode.
[hangs up and throws his phone away]


"Community: Beginner Pottery (#1.19)" (2010)
Pierce Hawthorne: [Wearing a boating uniform] Guess what I've enrolled in?
Jeff Winger: Singing back-up for Tennille?
Pierce Hawthorne: No, no, no, hey. Beginning sailing.
Abed Nadir: But the nearest body of water is two and a half hours away.
Pierce Hawthorne: Leagues, Abed. We don't measure water by hours.

Jeff Winger: This class is like a redhead that drinks scotch and loves Die Hard. I suggest you all get her number.

Abed Nadir: Jeff has felt jealousy before, even envy, but that first day of pottery class...
Jeff Winger: Abed!
Abed Nadir: What?
Jeff Winger: What did we discuss?
Abed Nadir: No voice overs. Sorry. It is kind of a crutch.

Britta Perry: Looks like someone's mommy gave him too much praise.
Jeff Winger: Man, so did someone's psych teacher.

Jeff Winger: Good luck, Pierce.
Pierce Hawthorne: Don't need it, never had it.

Jeff's Mom: [Jeff creates a fake flashback] Jeff, you're a normal person. There's nothing very special about you at all. You're going to be great at a few things, but really crappy at more. And that takes a lot of the pressure off, so you can live a full, happy life. Oh, and sorry it took me so long to tell you that. And it was only in your imagination. My bad. I'm kind of a sloppy mom.
[in the present, Jeff immerses himself in the fake flashback while continuing to make bad pottery]
Jeff Winger: [very seriously] That's okay, Mom. Nobody's perfect.

Pierce Hawthorne: Jeffrey, when I was born, I got my umbilical cord wrapped around my neck, both arms, and one of my ankles. Mom said there came a point when the doctor stopped delivering me and just started laughing. I mean, if I ever let being bad at something stop me, I wouldn't be here. That thing some men call 'failure,' I call 'living.' 'Breakfast.' And I'm not leaving until I've cleaned out the buffet. Now, how about a shove?
Jeff Winger: Good luck, Pierce.
Pierce Hawthorne: Don't need it. Never had it.


"Community: Comparative Religion (#1.12)" (2009)
Jeff Winger: True or falso or none of the above? That doesn't make any sense.

Shirley: You realize there's no other way for me to take this than as a giant middle finger to the most important day of the year.
Jeff Winger: December 10?

Shirley: I'm not mad. I'm dissapointed.
Jeff Winger: That's mom for mad.

Jeff Winger: To me, religion is like Paul Rudd. I see the appeal, and I would never take it away from anyone. But I would also never stand in line for it.

Mike: Give me a winterdoodle!
Jeff Winger: If you're trying to be menacing, maybe don't call the cookie by its name.
Mike: Oh, you're funny. You're a funny man. Wanna hear something funny, funny man? Knock-knock. My fist up your balls!
Jeff Winger: Who's there...?

Pierce Hawthorne: Let's see what we're working with. Go ahead, throw a few at the old paws.
[Jeff punches pads lightly]
Pierce Hawthorne: [laughs] What are you a North Korean seamstress?
Jeff Winger: Not if that's bad.

Pierce Hawthorne: Britta, put your blouse back on.
Jeff Winger: [turns and Pierce kicks him] Ow!
Pierce Hawthorne: Boys, this is not a game! You got to be ready for anything!
Troy: Dude! That is not cool.
Pierce Hawthorne: Well, that foxy black girl thinks it is.
[kicks Troy when he turns]
Jeff Winger: What are you doing?
Troy: Why she have to be black?


"Community: Early 21st Century Romanticism (#2.15)" (2011)
Shirley Bennett: We've got to do something about Pierce and those painkillers.
Jeff Winger: He's recovering from broken legs
Troy Barnes: I'll say. He can moonwaaaalk!
Jeff Winger: I'm sure he's almost through his prescription. Besides he's a baby boomer, they invented drugs.
Britta Perry: Yeah, they also invented tv, have you seen him control one of those?
Annie Edison: [pointing at the others] Intervention? Intervention? Intervention?
Jeff Winger: Count me out.
Shirley Bennett: We can't count you out, he listens to you.
Jeff Winger: Well he also listens to the Barenaked Ladies, go get their dumb asses to help you.
Troy Barnes: [everyone gasps in horror] Okay Jeff, you are clearly in a bad space today, but Pierce is our friend, and the Barenaked Ladies are triple platinum, are you?
Jeff Winger: Why does everyone leap to defend that band so aggressively and how much stuff do we have to go through this year before my friendship stops being questioned?
Annie Edison: Well maybe friendship is about going through a lot of stuff Jeff, and maybe BNL has two Billboard Awards to your zero!
Jeff Winger: Oh, okay, they're BNL now? We need a shorthand for the Barenaked Ladies. That's how fundamental they are
Abed Nadir: Fundamental.
Jeff Winger: You know what Pierce probably needs more than anything? Some space. Maybe I do too.
Britta Perry: [yelling angrily] You know what? Maybe we all need some space, to pull the knife out of the back of the most celebrated Canadian alt-rock band of the mid 90s, you selfish, jaded, ass!

Jeff Winger: This isn't a party!
Señor Chang: Better not tell that to Magnitude.
Jeff Winger: Who the hell is Magnitude?
[Magnitude struts in]
Magnitude: Yo yo yo! Pop pop!

Jeff Winger: Chang, what are you doing here and how do you know where I live?
Señor Chang: I can answer both of those things by returning your drivers license.
[holds up Jeff's license]

Troy Barnes: Jeff, what do you do when you and your best friend both want to ask out a girl to the Valentine's dance but neither of you have dibs because you both fell in love at first sight?
Jeff Winger: Well, I don't believe in dibs, or love at first sight, or love, or best friends, or doing things, but it's good you brought this to me.

Jeff Winger: I'm a stylish American, Professor. I've been forcing myself to be into soccer since 2004.

Jeff Winger: It might not shock you guys to hear the real reason we had a fight today. It wasn't about the Barenaked Ladies. Although I do have some unsolved issues there. Caring about a person can be scary. Caring about six people can be a horrifying, embarrassing nightmare. At least for me. But if I can't say it today, when can I say it? I love you guys. Oh, and Pierce? Take it from the expert. These knuckleheads are right outside your heart. Let them in. Before it's too late. Happy Valentine's Day.


"Community: Basic Lupine Urology (#3.17)" (2012)
Dean Pelton: Mister Winger, what is the intention here?
Jeff Winger: Simple. When Todd smashed our yam, he stole an A from us. We want it back.
Colonel Archwood: You mean if he smashed the yam. All you have is the word of this Mister Star-Burns, who offers up no explanation as to why he was on the scene.
Dean Pelton: How about it, Jeffrey? What was Star-Burns doing there?
Jeff Winger: We agreed to withold that information as part of a pinky swear with the witness.
Colonel Archwood: Pinky swear. This is ludicrous. This whole school is ludicrous. Who honors the pinky swear of a degenerate over the word of a decorated soldier?
Dean Pelton: I'm inclined to agree with the man in uniform.
Jeff Winger: Shocker.
Dean Pelton: Jeffrey, tell us what Star-Burns was doing in that classroom, or your group can take an F.
Professor Marshall Kane: Hold on, hold on, hold on. I grade my students. Now what Star-Burns was doing is irrelevant. What matters is what he saw. I'm upholding the pinky swear.
Colonel Archwood: What?
Professor Marshall Kane: Hey, man. You spent your life in the Army. I spent mine in prison. Two places where a man's word is only as good as his uniform. Now, out here it's supposed to be different, and my classroom will be. You two can plead your case to the class, and let them decide your grades.
Jeff Winger: Professor, thank you.
Professor Marshall Kane: It's not a favor, Mister Winger. A man's gotta have a code.

Señor Chang: Move along, nothing to see here.
Jeff Winger: First time those words have actually been true.

Jeff Winger: Keep the change. You know, keep the hot dog.

Jeff Winger: [speaking to Annie Edison] A man's got to have a code. I can only assume there is a female equivalent to that. A "codette" or something.

Jeff Winger: If it's any consolation, she got me here on a very misleading text message.
Annie Edison: Technically, you are about to be screwed in the biology room.

Colonel Archwood: Objection, she's clearly ramping up to something.
Jeff Winger: Objection, that's not a real objection.


"Community: Paradigms of Human Memory (#2.21)" (2011)
Jeff Winger: Abed, you're a computer. Scan your mainframe for juicy memories!
Abed Nadir: [Abed stares impassively at Jeff for several seconds as Jeff becomes more uncomfortable] Jeff and Britta have been having secret sex!

Jeff Winger: We've known each other for almost two years now. And yeah, in that time I've given a lot of speeches, but they all have one thing in common: they're all different. These drug runners aren't going to execute Pierce because he's racist. It's a locomotive that runs on US, and the only sharks in that water are the emotional ghosts that I like to call fear, anchovies, fear, and the dangers of ingesting mercury. Because the real bugs aren't the ones in those beds. And there's no such thing as a free Caesar salad and even if there were, The Cape might still find a second life on cable, and I'll tell you why: el corazon del agua es verdad. That water is a lie! Harrison Ford is irradiating our testicles with microwave satelite transmissions. So maybe we ARE caught in and endless cycle of screw ups and hurt feelings, but I choose to believe that this is just the universe's way of molding us into some kind of super group.
Troy Barnes: Like the Traveling Wilburys!
Jeff Winger: Yes Troy, like the Traveling Wilburys of pain. Prepared for any insane adventure life throws our way and I don't know about you, but I'm looking forward to every one of them.

Jeff Winger: Fear. Anchovies. Fear. And the dangers of ingesting mercury.

[Abed sneaks through the cafeteria dressed as "The Cape", uses his cape to drag Jeff's dinner onto the floor, and runs away]
Jeff Winger: The show's gonna last three weeks!
Abed Nadir: Six seasons and a movie!

Troy Barnes: Didn't we decide at the beginning of the year that for the good of the group we wouldn't allow any intimacy between each other or ourselves.
Jeff Winger: Troy we never said ourselves
Troy Barnes: Okay now I'm really mad

Jeff Winger: Harrison Ford is radiating our testicles with microwave satellite transmissions.


"Community: Physical Education (#1.17)" (2010)
Jeff Winger: Well, I hate to say I told you so, so I'll shout it through cuffed hands.
[cuffs hands]
Jeff Winger: I told you so!

Leonard: You're going to look like an ass in those.
Jeff Winger: Shut up, Leonard. I met your son on Family Day. I know about your gambling problem.
Leonard: Touché.

Jeff Winger: Now are we gonna stand around and talk about clothes like a girl, or used tapered sticks to hit balls around a cushioned table, like a man?
Coach Bogner: Balls, like a man!

Abed Nadir: When you really know who you are and what you like about yourself, changing for others isn't such a big deal.
Jeff Winger: Abed, you are a God. If you'll all excuse me, I have a man to beat in pool while wearing shorts.

Jeff Winger: What are you guys doing?
Abed Nadir: They're teaching me to be someone else.
Jeff Winger: Oh, for God's sake! What did I tell you guys?
Abed Nadir: [imitating Jeff] Oh, for God's sake everybody, do whatever you want! Leave each other alone!
Troy Barnes: Whoa! That's a good Jeff. How did you do that?
Abed Nadir: 10 % Dick Van Dyke, 20 % Sam Malone, 40 % Zach Braff in Scrubs, and 30 % Hilary Swank in Boys Don't Cry.
Jeff Winger: ...Zach Braff?
Abed Nadir: Sorry.


"Community: Interpretive Dance (#1.14)" (2010)
Jeff Winger: The biggest truths aren't original. The truth is ketchup. It's Jim Belushi. Its job isn't to blow our minds. It's to be within reach, and the truth is, I get claustrophobic when things get official.

Jeff Winger: You keep a list of everyone based on how good-looking they are?
Dean Pelton: Yes, we do... number two.
Professor Michelle Slater: Dean Pelton?
Dean Pelton: Yes, Professor Seven... uh, Professor Slater?

Jeff Winger: This is based on hearsay. Less than hearsay: Pierce's Twitter account, which says he is forty and runs a women-only pilates class.

Professor Michelle Slater: I didn't want or need anything more than what we were doing.
Jeff Winger: Great. Let's get back to it.
Professor Michelle Slater: Oh, but I can't because you went to the friend zone. That's you getting official, not me. Because unless there's something I need to know about the lunch lady or the blonde in your study group with the infinite supply of leather jackets, somewhere between our 8th and 11th time having sex, most people, statistically speaking, would say we're more than just pals.
Jeff Winger: Yes, but once you say it things can get messy and complicated.
Professor Michelle Slater: How?
Jeff Winger: Because once you say it, later you might have to unsay it.
Professor Michelle Slater: Whoopdie-freakin'-ding, Winger. It happens 5-million times a day. It's the Jim Belushi of sexual commitments. It barely means anything and it grows on what's there over time.
Jeff Winger: Boy, this guy's really taking a pounding in this conversation.

[Troy works on a crossword puzzle]
Troy Barnes: Broadway musical, five letters.
Abed Nadir: Annie.
Troy Barnes: Six letters, to penetrate.
Abed Nadir: Pierce.
Troy Barnes: Water filter, starts with "B".
Abed Nadir: Britta.
Troy Barnes: Four letters, Helen of...
Abed Nadir: Troy.
Troy Barnes: Four letters, one of acting brothers Bridges.
Abed Nadir: Hmmm, that's a tough one. What could it be? What could it be?
Jeff Winger: Guys? Don't you see? It's Beau! They're all things you can see on T.V. "Pierce" was a misdirect.


"Community: Introduction to Finality (#3.22)" (2012)
Britta Perry: Today is Abed's first therapy session.
Jeff Winger: His what?
Britta Perry: He's been feeling extra vulnerable lately, having lost Troy to the air conditioning repair school, so he's finally going to let me practice my psych skills on him! Give me some credit, Winger. What's the worst that could happen?
Leonard: Classic tee-up.

Jeff Winger: That's the Winger-guarantee.

Jeff Winger: Your Honour. I have no closing statement because I'm throwing the case. No, no, it's okay. It's fine, don't worry. My client, Shirley Bennett, my friend for three years, told me that it was okay. She said what I want was more important. She's right, right? I mean, guys like me, we'll tell you there's no right or wrong. There's no real truths. And as long as we all believe that, guys like me can never lose. Because the truth is I'm lying when I say there is no truth. The truth is... the pathetically, stupidly, inconveniently obvious truth is, helping only ourselves is bad and helping each other is good. Now, I just wanted to get out of here. pass biology, and be a lawyer again instead of helping Shirley. That was bad. And my former colleague wanted so badly to keep his rich client that he just asked me to roll over in exchange for my old job. So I guess we all walked in here pretty bad. But now, Shirley's gone good. Shirley's helping me. It's that easy. You just stop thinking about what's good for you, and start thinking about what's good for someone else. And you can change the whole game with one move. Now, if you like this idea, you can make it true by doing something good for everyone here. Throw this case out of court. It's dumb. That is all.

Alan Connor: Well, way to go, soft serve. You're finished. By the way, I never got a chance to tell you this, but it was me who turned you in to the state bar.
Jeff Winger: I know. And I never got a chance to thank you.
Alan Connor: This place has made you so gay.
Pierce Hawthorne: Hey! Don't use "gay" as a derogatory term. Boo-yah! Good person.

Jeff Winger: Hey uh, while I'm doing this, does anyone know any funny jokes?
Pierce Hawthorne: I do!. An Irish and a Jew walk into a Chinese laundry; with a gay duck...


"Community: Home Economics (#1.8)" (2009)
Britta Perry: You need to move on with your life.
Jeff Winger: Yeah, Move on with my life? Shmove shmon shmith shmy shmife.

Britta Perry: I was wrong, okay? Material possessions are important. Think how much happier the Jefferson's were than that family on "Good Times".
Jeff Winger: Yeah, but they had good times.

Jeff Winger: You are way out of your element here, aren't you?
Britta Perry: Yes, and I do not believe a single word I am saying for me. But for you? Maybe you're one of those rare people with nothing underneath the surface. Maybe if you put stain remover on a turd, you don't get a diamond. You just get a turd with less direction in life.

Jeff Winger: [after Britta turns off the TV] Hey, what are you doing? That was "The Jeffersons," honky!

Shirley Bennett: Jeff, do you need a place to stay?
Troy Barnes: I'd offer, but my dad's kind of racist.
Abed Nadir: You could stay with me in the dorms. My room has a bunk bed, which is kind of a misnomer, because it's the real deal.
Jeff Winger: The next person that offers me charity or pity will be mentioned by name in my suicide note.


"Community: Introduction to Film (#1.3)" (2009)
Jeff Winger: Hey! Troy sneezes like a girl!
Troy: How about I pound you like a boy- that didn't come out right.

Shirley: Isn't Abed's dad like a hardcore Muslim? They're not as forgiving as Christians. He'll cut your head off with a salami sword.
Annie Edison: Shirley! That is the most racist thing I've ever heard.
Jeff Winger: Pierce will top that in one minute.

Troy: [to Shirley] You're not my mother.
Pierce Hawthorne: She's not?
Jeff Winger: [Stops watch] 29 seconds.

Abed: Jeff, I think you should play the role of my father.
Jeff Winger: I don't wanna be your father.
Abed: That's perfect. You already know your lines.

Jeff Winger: This is no way to teach accounting!


"Community: Anthropology 101 (#2.1)" (2010)
Jeff Winger: Well Shirley, since you have clearly failed to grasp the central insipid metaphor of those Twilight books you devour, let me explain it to you! Men are monsters who crave young flesh!

Jeff Winger: Sorry I'm late. I was in my car, loving Britta.
[Jeff and Britta kiss and then look deeply into each other's eyes]
Jeff Winger: I guess I just love you too much
[Annie rocks nervously, a sick look on her face]
Britta Perry: Not half as much as me
Abed Nadir: Jeff do you think you'll marry Britta?
Jeff Winger: I'd like to see someone stop me.
Britta Perry: I just peed a little.
Abed Nadir: [Abed presents them with a ring] Then here, propose.
Britta Perry: [Jeff and Britta both look at the ring and then begin struggling over it] I've got it. I've got it.
[Britta gets the ring and puts it on Jeff's finger]
Britta Perry: Jeff Winger, will you marry me?
Jeff Winger: Yeah, yeah, of course. No problem, no problem.
[Shirley screams in delight and Annie screams in horror]
Abed Nadir: Great, I'll be right back
[Abed rushes out of the room]
Shirley Bennett: [Annie screams again as Jeff and Britta kiss] Thank the Lord you're getting married, I was so worried about your souls ever since you had premarital sex on the table.
Troy Barnes: [Everyone leaps back from the table in disgust] Awesome!
Jeff Winger: You told Shirley?
Shirley Bennett: Well there's no need for secrecy now. It was during the paintball game
Troy Barnes: Was there anything you didn't win that day?
Annie Edison: [Annie runs over and punches Jeff in the face] You slept with her and then kissed me?
Britta Perry: What?
Irish Singer: [Abed enters with an entourage of people carrying a wedding arbor and singing] But she's in so deep/ You know she's such a fool for him/ She's got a ring around her finger ah-ah-ah/ And Abed hired and Irish singer/ Britta's marrying/ Britta's marrying/ Britta's marrying Jeffrey Winger!

Jeff Winger: Well, Shirley, since you've clearly failed to grasp the central insipid metaphor of those Twilight books you devour, let me explain it to you: Men are monsters who crave young flesh. The end.

Jeff Winger: [On Anthropology professor's question, "Which tool is the most important to humanity's survival] The tool most important to humanity's survival is... respect. The reason I know respect is a tool is because it is clearly not a natural thing. We forget to use it all the time, and we start competing with each other, and exploiting each other, and humiliating each other, and controlling each other... and we lose each other. And without each other, we'd go extinct. And that's a fact. That's my answer, professor.

Jeff Winger: The most important tool is... respect.
Señor Chang: Ha! Gayyyyy!


"Community: Investigative Journalism (#1.13)" (2010)
Annie Edison: You expect me to watch you do that without telling on you?
Jeff Winger: That's a hard-hitting question, Annie. Are you a reporter?
Annie Edison: No, they've got me editing the crossword because I'm a girl. And because I love crosswords!
Jeff Winger: Well, now you love the streets. You're my ace news hound.
Annie Edison: Ace? You can do that?
Jeff Winger: We can do anything we want. It's Greendale. Now go find me that story.
[Annie leaves]
Abed: This character reboot is really gelling for you, Jeff. That was all classic Hawkeye. Sending soldiers out for liquor. Slyly sidestepping the problematic scrutiny of Annie "Hotlips" Edison. I should build you a still for making Hawkeye martinis.
Jeff Winger: Of all your pop culture fixations, this is one I can work with, Abed.
Abed: Call me Radar?
Jeff Winger: When you've earned it.

Jeff Winger: Who are you kidding, Abed? I just dragged a screaming, crying man out of a library with his pants down. No. Martinis are for Hawkeyes. I'm the same uptight jerk I was last semester.
Abed: Jeff, what's your favorite episode of M*A*S*H?
Jeff Winger: The one with, uh... the army.
Abed: That's what I thought. If you'd ever actually seen the show, you'd know that Hawkeye didn't just bed nurses and drink martinis. He also had blood sprayed on his face and barked orders when the choppers came in. If he didn't, people died. He was a leader, Jeff. That's your job.

Jeff Winger: You know what you guys sound like? Me last semester.
[Points at Annie]
Jeff Winger: Cynical...
[Points at Shirley]
Jeff Winger: ... elitist...
[Points at Abed]
Jeff Winger: ... rakishly good-looking.
Abed: Thanks.

Jeff Winger: No, it's fine. It's fine. it's just a little... little nosebleed. I get them when it's dry and when my face gets kicked.

Jeff Winger: Annie's pretty young. We try not to sexualize her.


"Community: English as a Second Language (#1.24)" (2010)
Jeff Winger: [Jeff has told everyone to close their eyes so Annie's "Disney face" won't make them feel sorry for her] Abed! Closed!
Abed Nadir: It's ok. I can only relate to people through...
Abed Nadir: [Looks at Annie, seems to be faltering] ... movies.
Jeff Winger: She's the Ark of the Covenant!
Abed Nadir: Ah!
Abed Nadir: [Covers eyes]

Jeff Winger: Now she is going to make the Disney face. Her lips will quiver and her eyelids will flutter, but they will not close.

Doctora Escodera: Okay, in English. You will be taking a standard exam for students at your level. It will cover this entire textbook.
Jeff Winger: El crapo.

Jeff Winger: Friends don't do what you did to us. Did the sisterhood of the travelling pants poison each other's food so they were too sick to leave? No! I've never seen it, but I'm pretty sure they mailed each other pants!

Jeff Winger: Nobody even think about going after her. That's what she wants, more personal drama so we fail the exam and stay in Spanish forever. We have to beat her. Don't text her, don't call her, don't mention her. We do not need her to study.
[opens his Spanish book and stares at a page]
Jeff Winger: Does anybody know how to study?
Abed Nadir: Annie usually...
Jeff Winger: Whose side are you on?


"Community: Regional Holiday Music (#3.10)" (2011)
Jeff Winger: Glee club, meet ASCAP, protecting music copyright since 1914. It seems they recieved an anonymous tip that someone was performing unlicensed material without the composer's consent. Merry Christmas, everybody. Glee club has become history club.

Annie Edison: I feel like we let Mr. Rad down.
Jeff Winger: No, he let himself down by coming in this morning wearing a sweater vest.

Annie Edison: They found a way to make the Greendale Human Being creepier: hanging icicles on him.
Shirley Bennett: I like it. I think it's festive.
Jeff Winger: My favorite Christmas tradition is decorating the Hellraiser.

Jeff Winger: What did he just say? Did Mr. Radison kill the glee club?
Dean Pelton: And to think I trusted him enough to let him ride on a magic carpet in my dreams.

Cory Radison: [to Britta] Get off the stage and never sing again! You are the worst!
Jeff Winger: Hey!
Troy Barnes: You do not get to call Britta the worst!


"Community: The Psychology of Letting Go (#2.3)" (2010)
Jeff Winger: I could eat powdered bran every day while you suck down figgy pudding and I still might die first. It's not fair. I want my donuts back!

Jeff Winger: I can't believe I made out with both of you.

Jeff Winger: Guys, guys, guys. Did we learn nothing from last Christmas? I don't see much difference between Pierce's religion and anybody else's.
Annie Edison: Well, then you're not listening, because his has lasers!
Jeff Winger: Look, you guys make fun of me for not caring about religion. But at least I'm dedicated enough to not caring to let you have your own beliefs. Can't Pierce have his? Can't you be cool like me?
[picks up his phone]
Jeff Winger: Hello?
Troy Barnes: He ends so many of his speeches that way.

Jeff Winger: I treat my body like a temple!
Male Nurse Jackie: Well, I can't be the first person to tell you that the temple doesn't last forever. I mean, it's made of hamburger. This is a... This is a temple of doom. And you know what? Like the real temple of doom, it represents the inconvenient fact that all good things - be they people or movie franchises - eventually collapse into sagging, sloppy, rotten piles of hard to follow nonsense.


"Community: Conventions of Space and Time (#4.3)" (2013)
Jeff Winger: Bow before Thoraxis!

Britta Perry: Jeff, why are people staring at you?
Jeff Winger: 'Cause they've never seen a man who's had sex before?

Lauren: Excuse me, I don't mean to bother yu, but are you Nigel Cuthbertson, the actor who played Thoraxis?
[Jeff turns around, ready to deny it, but then sees it's a pretty lady and changes his mind]
Jeff Winger: [in a British accent] Call me Nige.

Annie Edison: We come all this way, and you just leave me alone without so much as sending a text message? I'm sick of it, Jeff... Nigel... Winger!
[tries to throw two more drinks in Jeff's face, but realises they are empty]
Annie Edison: Can I get two more of these, please?
Jeff Winger: Enough! This day has turned crazy. I'm gonna go upstairs, towel off, and pray to God that I wake up in the middle of a final in a class I didn't know I was enrolled in.
[storms off, leaving Annie to huff]


"Community: Accounting for Lawyers (#2.2)" (2010)
Jeff Winger: I'm distracted watching you mutate. Britta, you're not a whore. Shirley, Jesus turned the other cheek, he didn't garner wages. Pierce, do I even need to say this? It is bad to hunt man for sport.
Pierce Hawthorne: Bad-ass.

Jeff Winger: Shirley, you can't sue a stripper.
Shirley Bennett: Why not?
Jeff Winger: Because she's a stripper. Life sued her. She lost.

Shirley Bennett: Jeffrey, did you punch Alan in his rotten face and storm out?
Jeff Winger: Hell, no. That guy is useful to me. Thanks to you, I've got leverage over a spineless jag that just made partner. That is the place I want to work. But I prefer to hang out with cool people. People so cool, they care.

Alan Connor: What brings you to Greendale?
Jeff Winger: I'm a teacher. Wait, that's worse than the truth. I'm a student.


"Community: Basic Genealogy (#1.18)" (2010)
Pierce Hawthorne: Jeff, what are you still doing here?
Jeff Winger: I go to school here, remember.
Pierce Hawthorne: Well, Amber, there's a Pictionary tournament in the student lounge. Would you like to play?
Amber: Sure. Is Jeff joining us?
Jeff Winger: I can't. I have to go.
Pierce Hawthorne: [to Jeff] Come on, stay.
Jeff Winger: I can't.
Amber: Then maybe I shouldn't stay either.
Pierce Hawthorne: [to Jeff] Stay.
Jeff Winger: You think I should?
Pierce Hawthorne: I think you have to.

Annie Edison: How much effort do I rate?
Jeff Winger: For you, I'd break a light sweat.
Annie Edison: Good. I need a favor. Help Pierce with his step daughter?
Jeff Winger: You're becoming dangerous, Annie. It's those doe eyes.

Jeff Winger: [Crying on Pierce's shoulder] We always use to watch the shows she wanted to watch. I hate Glee
Pierce Hawthorne: I'm not crazy about Glee either.
Jeff Winger: I hate it. I don't understand the appeal at all.

Annie Edison: Are you just doing this because Slater hurt you?
Jeff Winger: What? No. I'm not hurt. And Amber threw herself at me.
Annie Edison: Well, you still have to tell Pierce that she's taking advantage of him, don't you?
Jeff Winger: Well, when you think about it, nobody's getting hurt. Pierce is getting a daughter, Amber's getting allowance, I'm getting... well, we already talked about it. But don't forget, this is Pierce. He's a racist, homophobic old goof, and he does bad stuff all the time.
Annie Edison: Well, sounds like you got it all figured out, so why are you talking to me about it?
Jeff Winger: Because you're... you know.
Annie Edison: A decent person?
Jeff Winger: Maybe.
Annie Edison: And you knew that talking to me about it would make you feel like a bad friend, and you wanted to feel like a bad friend because you wanna be a good friend?
Jeff Winger: You really suck, you know that?


"Community: Epidemiology (#2.6)" (2010)
[Rich turns into a zombie]
Rich: [slurred speech] I thought that maybe I was special.
Britta Perry: Special? You're not special! I'm special!
[she pulls up her sleeve to reveal a bite mark on her arm]
Britta Perry: I was bit ten minutes ago and I'm...
[her speech slurs as she turns into a zombie]
Jeff Winger: Oh, great - nobody's special!

[Jeff, Troy, and Abed sneak through the basement]
Jeff Winger: Quiet, nerds! Do you hear something?
[They sneak forward. Suddenly, a cat jumps in front of them]
Jeff Winger: Jeez!
[laughs]
Jeff Winger: It was just a cat. Let's keep going.
[They continue through the basement. The cat jumps in front of them again]
Troy Barnes: Holy crap!
[They continue to sneak through the basement. The cat jumps in front of them again]
Jeff Winger: What is up with that cat?
Troy Barnes: Is someone throwing it?
Abed Nadir: Keep going.
[They continue. The cat jumps in front of them again]
Jeff Winger: You know, let's not keep going. Because there's an insane cat down here!
Troy Barnes: But what about the zombies?
Jeff Winger: Back burner, Troy! This cat must be dealt with!

[Chang approaches Jeff and Britta dressed as a female figure skater]
Señor Chang: Guess who I am.
Britta Perry: Michelle Kwan?
Señor Chang: Wrong.
Jeff Winger: Kristi Yamaguchi?
Señor Chang: Peggy Flemming. And you have just been proven racist by the racist prover.

Abed Nadir: There. There's a window. If we climb that chain-link fence, we can get up the wall and squeeze through it.
[Jeff looks at the door, then his suit]
Jeff Winger: I vote we take the door.
Abed Nadir: He doesn't want to dirty his suit.
Troy Barnes: For real?
[Jeff opens the door and lets the zombies in]
Jeff Winger: Clothes make the man, Troy. What the hell?
[the zombies wrestle Jeff to the floor. Zombie Rich enters wearing Jeff's jacket]
Jeff Winger: That's my jacket! My jacket! You're stretching it! You're stretching it!


"Community: Abed's Uncontrollable Christmas (#2.11)" (2010)
Jeff Winger: Does the word "clearly" mean something different to you than it does to us?
Pierce Hawthorne: I think it's Arabic for "not clearly".
[offers high-five to Troy]
Troy Barnes: Dude, do not tarnish the high-five like that.

Abed Nadir: If I can find the meaning of Christmas, then things will go back to normal.
Jeff Winger: ...asterisk.

Pierce Hawthorne: Hey! Look what you did to the kid. What's your article gonna be called - "Worst Shrink Ever"?
Professor Ian Duncan: Hey, this is not my fault. This is what Christmas does to people. We put too much meaning into it, and it lets us down.
Jeff Winger: We beg to differ.
Professor Ian Duncan: What are you doing back here?
Troy Barnes: Saving Christmas.
Annie Edison: Everybody, point your magic Christmas weapons at him.
Professor Ian Duncan: Oh, brother. This is ridiculous. You are enabling a delusion.
Jeff Winger: The delusion you're trying to cure is called Christmas, Duncan.
Annie Edison: It's the crazy notion that the longest, coldest, darkest nights can be the warmest and brightest.
Britta Perry: Yeah, and when we all agree to support each other in that insanity, something even crazier happens.
Annie Edison: It becomes true.
Troy Barnes: Works every year. Like clockwork.

Professor Ian Duncan: Try telling that to your catatonic friend.
Shirley Bennett: I got a better idea. Why don't we sing it?
Britta Perry: Wait, what?
Jeff Winger: Yeah, let's not go overboard.
Shirley Bennett: Will you two commit to something for a change?
Jeff Winger: Let's sing it!
Britta Perry: Yeah, let's sing.
Troy Barnes: Can we sing while we blow Duncan away?
Jeff Winger: Absolutely.
[everyone fire their magic weapons at Duncan]
Shirley Bennett: You start, Britta.
[the characters break out in song]
Britta Perry: Christmas time is a time to sing. That's what Christmas is for.
Annie Edison: Christmas can even be a hannukkah thing. That's what Christmas is for.
Shirley Bennett: And for a huge percentage of this God-fearing planet it's about the birth of Jesus Christ.
Jeff Winger: But for the rest of us it's still a good time to remember that it's good to be nice.
Pierce Hawthorne: Music and cookies and liquor and trees. That's what Christmas is for.
Troy Barnes: Video games for two straight weeks. That's what Christmas is for.
Annie Edison: Hanging out with the people you love.
Jeff Winger, Annie Edison: And saying I love you.
Britta Perry: That's what Christmas is...
Shirley Bennett, Britta Perry, Jeff Winger, Troy Barnes, Annie Edison, Pierce Hawthorne: That's what Christmas is... That's what Christmas is for!


"Community: Remedial Chaos Theory (#3.4)" (2011)
Troy Barnes: One word, two syllables.
Jeff Winger: Please don't say Charades.
Abed Nadir, Troy Barnes: Yahtzee!
Jeff Winger: Is Charades still off the table?

Jeff Winger: Starting on my left with one, your number comes up, you go.
Abed Nadir: Just so you know, Jeff, you are now creating six different timelines.
Jeff Winger: [incredulous] Of course I am, Abed.

Annie Edison: That pizza guy was so creepy.
Jeff Winger: So you're saying he was a pizza guy?

Jeff Winger: [Regarding Abed's model of the rolling boulder scene from "Raiders of the Lost Ark"] Hey, look. Indiana Jones and the Apartment of Perpetual Virginity.


"Community: Spanish 101 (#1.2)" (2009)
Senor Chang: Umm ok guys, why are there costumes involved? These are short conversations, they're not supposed to take...
Jeff Winger: ...Your breath away? Well tough.

Senor Chang: Ok um guys, why are there costumes involved these are short conversations, there not suppose to take...
Jeff Winger: Take you breath away?

Pierce Hawthorne: To the empowerage of words!
Jeff Winger: To the irony of that sentence!

Britta Perry: [refusing Jeff's anniversary card] You're cute, but selfish and narcissistic to the point of near-delusion.
Jeff Winger: [after Britta had left] She said I was cute...


"Community: Intermediate Documentary Filmmaking (#2.16)" (2011)
Britta Perry: [pretending to be Jeff's estranged father] Hi. I'm Jeff's dad. Hi.
Jeff Winger: [pretending to be Britta's dad] Oh, hi Jeff's dad. I'm Britta's dad.
Britta Perry: What? why?
Jeff Winger: I don't know. Got drunk, didn't have a condom, and her mom gets freaky when she hears Oingo Boingo.
Britta Perry: Oh, God, I wish I could relate, but much like my son I'm a closet homosexual.
Jeff Winger: Don't apologize for that. You're talking to the guy that banged Britta's mom. I have NO standards!
Britta Perry: Well, what do you say we take a tumble? I'll put on a wig.
Jeff Winger: That's it, you're under arrest; I'm an undercover cop.
Britta Perry: It's not illegal to be gay.
Jeff Winger: It is here in Iran.
Britta Perry: Not if we're in the Green Zone.
Jeff Winger: That's Iraq, stupid.
Britta Perry: Well, what do I know? I'm Jeff Winger's dumb, gay dad!

Britta Perry: I called everyone here so I could put my house in order. Bequeath parting gifts. Say my final words to each of you.
Jeff Winger: Final word? You're gonna kill us?

Jeff Winger: Oh, I should probably tell you. If you're lying to me, if my father isn't coming, if a car pulls up and anyone other than my father steps out, say an actor or you in a wig, if you pull any Ferris Bueller, Parent Trap, Three's Company, FX, FX2: the Deadly Art of Illusion bull- I will beat you. And there will be nothing madcap or wacky about it. Understood?
Pierce Hawthorne: Crystal!

Jeff Winger: Don't you dare to intercut with footage of me freaking out!
[Cut to footage of Jeff freaking out]
Abed Nadir: There is footage of you freaking out?


"Community: Pascal's Triangle Revisited (#1.25)" (2010)
Annie Edison: I can't believe I made it through my first year of college. I finally get to click send on so many I-told-you-so e-mails.
Jeff Winger: Yeah, it's pretty great. Not much could ruin today.
Dean Pelton: [jumps out of the bushes] HI!
Jeff Winger: Oh no, shoot. I forgot saying that summons him.

Jeff Winger: More importantly, our very own Britta Perry, it turns out, has been nominated for transfer queen.
Shirley Bennett: Oh, that's nice!
Britta Perry: What the hell is a transfer queen?
Annie Edison: Like prom queen. You wear a sash, and there's a vote. If you win they put a crown on your head. And I am so jealous that I wanna murder you. Aren't you excited?
Britta Perry: No. How did I get nominated?
Shirley Bennett: Don't let it upset you, Britta. It's the last day of the semester. Nothing can ruin that.
Dean Pelton: [popping up in the room] HI!
Jeff Winger: Amazing. He's like an evil genie.

Dean Pelton: Just spreading the news. Some folks say "transfer formal" isn't really rolling off the tongue, so we're just gonna call it the "tranny dance"!
Jeff Winger: Much more Greendale.

Professor Michelle Slater: You probably don't wanna talk to me.
Jeff Winger: It's not junior high. We're mature adults, Michelle. We can talk.
Professor Michelle Slater: I think I handled our breakup poorly.
Jeff Winger: Before I respond to that, I'll have to take an extra-strength vitamin duh.
[takes a fake pill and swallows]
Jeff Winger: Duh.


"Community: Urban Matrimony and the Sandwich Arts (#3.11)" (2012)
Jeff Winger: Wireless racism. The future of the past is now.

Britta Perry: When are we going to outgrow this outmoded concept of marriage?
Annie Edison: What, you're anti-weddings now?
Jeff Winger: No, she's just pro-anti.

Jeff Winger: My friend Shirley asked me to say something at her wedding.
Leonard: This is the rehearsal.
Jeff Winger: Shut up, Leonard! Those girls who play ping-pong with you are doing it ironically!


"Community: Biology 101 (#3.1)" (2011)
Jeff Winger: Sean Penn called, he said dial it back. Sean Penn is an actor...
Professor Kane: I know who Sean Penn is! I've seen "Milk!" Now get out of my class!

Jeff Winger: Stop! Stop! Pierce isn't crazy. The table... Is... Magic. As someone who's been on the other side I can tell you, it is a scary, lonely Chang-filled world out there. And sure this group has sprouted some legs, but why are we in such a rush to leave the tide pool. When the only things waiting for us on shore are the sands of time, and the hungry seagulls of slowly growing apart.

Annie Edison: We're really doing this without Pierce? It's so sad.
Jeff Winger: Yeah, we have parted ways with our closest, oldest, craziest, most racist, oldest, elderly crazy friend. And he's not coming back.
Pierce Hawthorne: I'm back.


"Community: Basic Story (#5.12)" (2014)
Jeff Winger: This inspection is going to be the most boring thing that happened here since Britta dated Troy.

Shirley Bennett: I know how much you feel for the campus, Jeff. I know how much you feel in general, and I know you think it's a weakness, but believe me. It's your strength.
Jeff Winger: You got something in your teeth.
Shirley Bennett: Mhm. You got something in your chest.

Annie Edison: We need to make people aware that Greendale exists and needs help.
Professor Hickey: Why?
Annie Edison: Because once the Internet knows about something, it changes.
Jeff Winger: Right. Just ask Chris Brown or China.


"Community: Debate 109 (#1.9)" (2009)
Jeff Winger: Britta, I'm saying this because I care about you and I'm your friend. You need to start smoking again.

Jeff Winger: Ugh!
Annie Edison: What's wrong?
Jeff Winger: I have this weird pain right above my eyebrow.
Annie Edison: It's called a stress headache. I got my first one when I was four.
Jeff Winger: I hate it!
Annie Edison: Well get used to it! You're knee-deep in it now, brother. This is debate!

Annie Edison: Maybe Simmons is right. You really are all sizzle and no steak. You probably couldn't beat him if you tried.
Jeff Winger: What do you mean I can't beat him? You and I are going to study harder than we've ever studied before and beat City College tomorrow.
Annie Edison: Really?
Jeff Winger: No. Who am I? iCarly?


"Community: Cooperative Polygraphy (#5.4)" (2014)
Mr. Stone: Mr. Winger, state your name.
Jeff Winger: Jeffrey Winger.
Mr. Stone: Are you gay?
Jeff Winger: No.
Mr. Stone: Are you sure you're not gay?
Jeff Winger: Yes.
Mr. Stone: Gay-murderer-says-what?
Jeff Winger: What?

Jeff Winger: [after hearing that his Netflix account is getting used by his colleagues] Is that why my review of "The Grey" keeps changing?
Abed Nadir: Yes, stop giving it four stars.
Jeff Winger: I like Liam Neeson.
Abed Nadir: Then send him a message about the roles he chooses.

Señor Chang: What up, n-bombs? How's the funeral? Awesome?
Jeff Winger: No, Chang, our friend's funeral was not awesome.


"Community: Critical Film Studies (#2.19)" (2011)
Abed Nadir: I probably mentioned in the past my fondness for a TV program called Cougar Town.
Jeff Winger: Here and there.
Abed Nadir: I even started a Cougar Town fan club on Facebook. Not to accomplish anything, mind you. Simply to express my love for the show. Well, it ended up being quite large, this fan club, and one morning, I think it was maybe early March, I got this Facebook message. A very nice message from the people who make Cougar Town.
Jeff Winger: Looking for work?
Abed Nadir: No, thanking me, Jeff. You know, for all the support I generated for the show. And in the last paragraph, they said: "If you'd like, you could come visit the set." Just like that.
Jeff Winger: Well, that's cool of them.
Abed Nadir: Mhm.
Jeff Winger: I guess that kind of makes them the Pulp Fictions of people. Man, how great was that movie?
Abed Nadir: Yeah. So I sold a few of my action figures, and I bought a round-trip ticket to Los Angeles.
Jeff Winger: Wait, you went? When?
Abed Nadir: Over spring break. What could I do? Two days after I got that invitation, I was on the set of Cougar Town, Jeff. Cougar Town.
Jeff Winger: Look, if you want me to take it seriously, stop saying its name.
Abed Nadir: You laugh, Jeff, but the people were wonderful, you know. Not just the actors, but the crew, everyone. There must have been 200 people, each with a specific function, but all dedicated to a single purpose. It was like a village or like a living thing. And, you know, I'm talking to the director, and he says: "Why don't you jump into the background?" I say: "Nah, wait a minute. Jump into the background of what, exactly?" And he says: "Jump into the background of this scene. Walk through it. Walk through Cougar Town." "Thank you." Well, before I can react, this girl takes me by the hand, and she stands me behind this patio where Courteney Cox and the actors are doing their scene. And the girl says: "Now, when you hear 'action,' I want tyou to walk from here to there, right?" That's when I really started to panic, Jeff, because if I'm a person that watches Cougar Town, how can I be in Cougar Town, you know? And the more I start thinking about it, the less any of it makes any sense at all. And I just want to turn and run, but it's too late, because the director's calling "action!" So before I take my first step, I realize that I have to stop being someone who's ever seen the show and become a character on the show. Become a man from Cougar Town. You know, someone born there, whose name, I decide, is Chad. And I take my first step, as a child might, learning to walk as Chad. And with each step, becomes easier. And with each step, I start remembering things from Chad's life, like his first kiss under the big tree at Cougar Town field. Playing soccer at Cougar Town Junior High. Finding my first chest hair in the shower, my first apartment, my first true love falling for my best friend, birthdays, weddings, car crashes, playing charades at Thanksgiving. Chad had lived, Jeff. You know? Chad had lived more than Abed. And then they called "cut," and the scene was over. But I wasn't ready stop being Chad, so I said to the director: "Can we have one more take?" But they were already moving on. Courteney had nailed it. My lips started trembling, and my hands and feet went numb, my knees buckled, and as I fell to the floor, I pooped my pants. I did. Because the truth is, Jeff, I had been Chad, and Chad was dead. But as Abed, I was still alive, so someone helped me up. And the wardrobe lady came over. She gave me new pants. I thanked everyone, I apologized, and went straight to the airport.
Jeff Winger: [stunned pause] Um, your food's getting cold.
Abed Nadir: Oh, how silly of me.

Jeff Winger: Conversation was invented by humans to conceal reality. We use it to sweet-talk our way around natural selection, You know who has real conversations? Ants. They talk by vomiting chemicals into each other's mouths. They get right down to brass tracks. Bleh! "Which way's the picnic?" Bleh! "That way." Humans are more evolved. We lie.
Abed Nadir: Not all the time.
Jeff Winger: That's a lie.
Abed Nadir: We don't lie when we're alone.
Jeff Winger: Biggest lie ever. Nine out of ten lies occur six inches away from the bathroom mirror. We do most of our lying alone.
Abed Nadir: How is it even possible to lie when you are alone?
Jeff Winger: You can call a phone sex line. That's lying to yourself.
Abed Nadir: No, that's just being honest with a stranger about being lonely.
Jeff Winger: What if you're dishonest about why you're lonely? What if you're a good-looking guy who calls a phone sex line and tells them he weighs 400 pounds, just so he can hear a woman say she's attracted to him anyway?
Abed Nadir: Well, I don't believe that happens.
Jeff Winger: Wrong. That's me! I did that last week.
Abed Nadir: But why would you pay a woman on the phone to think you're fat?
Jeff Winger: Because I'm scared that if I were overweight that no one would like me. God, that feels good to admit! Abed, the point being...
[puts his constant-buzzing phone into his drink]
Jeff Winger: The point being, you don't have to worry about being normal, or real, or whatever this is tonight. The world is a sick place, full of sick, sick people.

Jeff Winger: And I said: "No, that's a girl's costume." And my mom said: "It's fine. Indian boys have long hair and braids too." There was only 45 minutes left to trick-or-treat, so what could I do? I put the damn thing on, and I went door-to-door. And everyone was going: "Oh, what a pretty little girl!" And by the third house, I stopped correcting them. I mean, why draw attention to it? And honestly, once the shame and the fear wore off, I was just glad they thought I was pretty.


"Community: Pillows and Blankets (#3.14)" (2012)
Jeff Winger: Come on, guys, let's wrap this up.
Abed Nadir: I don't wanna.
Troy Barnes: Me neither.
Jeff Winger: Why not?
Abed Nadir: This is gonna be the last thing we ever do together.
Troy Barnes: We can't stop.
Jeff Winger: Look, doesn't that kinda solve your problem, the realization that you like each other so much you'd hit each other with pillows forever?
Abed Nadir: Knowing that doesn't feel like enough anymore.
Troy Barnes: Yeah. We're grown ups now. We have grown up problems.
Jeff Winger: That's very clear. Unless you use those magical friendship hats that I got for you.
Troy Barnes: We're not stupid, Jeffrey. We know you made those sarcastically.
Jeff Winger: Yes, yes. And I will roll my eyes at both of you when I put them on your heads, because that's the way I am. But that's not the way you have to be.
Abed Nadir: We might be interested.
Jeff Winger: Okay, then. Here's your magical friendship hats, and...
Troy Barnes: Jeff.
Jeff Winger: What?
Abed Nadir: You left the magical friendship hats at the dean's office.
Jeff Winger: Right. Of course. I'll go get them.
Annie Edison: [on tape] So Jeff went out and he stayed out long enough to make them believe he had gone to the office. It was a nice touch.
Jeff Winger: [back in the scene, with the imaginary hats] Here you go. Lucky no one grabbed them, huh?
[Troy and Abed use their secret handshake, and all is well]
Narrator: [voice over] Britta Perry is there to immortalize the moment on film accidentally, while trying to get a moment of the light hitting a stack of nearby waffles.

Jeff Winger: [voice over] First entry in my stupid journal. Today I had to run and get two imaginary friendship hats from an office. I could have just walked around the corner and then come back, but for some reason I actually went all the way back to where they were supposed to be. One was crumpled up a bit. That was Troy's. The other was a little dusty. That was Abed's. I fixed them up, even though I was the only one watching, because I settled on a truth today that's always going to be true. I would do anything for my friends, which I think is how everyone in the world feels, which finally makes me understand war.

[Annie and Jeff narrate text messages to each other]
Annie Edison: Jeff, heard from one of Troy's troops about a speech you gave at blanket fort. This war could be over. Proud of you for taking a stance. Text message, Annie Edison.
Jeff Winger: Thank you, Annie. I'm proud of you too. Also wish the nightmare would end, but using what I'm given to help where I can. Jeff Winger.
Annie Edison: Jeff, just heard from one of Abed's soldiers you gave an identical speech to troops of Pillowtown. WTF? Sad face, special icon of a downward thumb.
Jeff Winger: Annie. Okay, you caught me. I prefer war to homework. How do you do that little thumb icon. I can't find it on my phone. Winger.
Annie Edison: Jeff, you're disgusting. Troy and Abed's friendship is at stake! You can buy special icons in packages at the app store. Sushi, birthday cake, stop sign, snowman, umbrella. Annie Edison.


"Community: Intro to Political Science (#2.17)" (2011)
Jeff Winger: Well, that's an important question. And it's important to students like Jeremy, who told me today that he is majoring in Astronomy and is supporting two children. It's an important question to Maria, who's a beautiful Latina born in Nicaragua, working in the cafeteria. What will I do, dean? Well, these people don't want me to say what I'll do. They want me to do what I'll say.

Troy Barnes: Hey, guys! The final debate!
Jeff Winger: Yeah, about that. I'm out.
Annie Edison: Me too. I decided that someone who would do that to a friend doesn't deserve to be president.
Troy Barnes: Uh, yeah. I know that. You're missing the final debate! It's the biggest political showdown of all time!
[We see the final debate]
Magnitude: Pop pop!
[Leonard blows a raspberry]
Magnitude: Pop pop!
[Leonard blows a raspberry]
Magnitude: Pop pop!
[Leonard blows a raspberry]
Magnitude: Pop pop!

Jeff Winger: You should have stayed in the running. You were the only real candidate.
Annie Edison: Nah. I was just another jerk trying to win a contest. You were right the whole time. I just couldn't admit it until I saw you running away crying.
Jeff Winger: [sarcastically] Yaaay.
Annie Edison: I care what you think about me. You know?
Jeff Winger: Yeah, well, I care what you think about me. That's why this happened.
Annie Edison: Okay, well... Resolved, then.
Jeff Winger: Resolved.
[they hug]


"Community: Contemporary American Poultry (#1.21)" (2010)
Abed Nadir: Unfortunately, the very thing that drove you to this dorm room is what would prevent you from properly running this machine, or even be a cog in it: your ego.
Jeff Winger: [scoff] I see. This has been about *me* this whole time. You want a shot at the Jeff Winger throne? You better bring a powerful ass! Oh, and for your information, I don't even *have* an ego. My Facebook photo is a landscape!

Jeff Winger: Why do you have a monkey?
Troy Barnes: It's an animal that looks like a dude. Why don't I have ten of them?

Pierce Hawthorne: Ay-bed, your social skills aren't exactly "streets ahead." Know what I mean?
Abed Nadir: [thinks] I don't.
Jeff Winger: You're not alone in this case. Pierce, stop trying to coin the phrase "streets ahead."
Pierce Hawthorne: Trying?
[laughs]
Pierce Hawthorne: Coined and minted! Been there, coined that! "Streets ahead" is verbal... wildfire!
Annie Edison: Does it just mean "cool," or is it supposed to be like, "miles ahead"?
Pierce Hawthorne: [scoffs] If you have to ask, you're streets behind.


"Community: A Fistful of Paintballs (#2.23)" (2011)
Jeff Winger: I'm not risking my butt hauling ammo back for the guy who has Vicki dancing for twinkies.
Pierce Hawthorne: She's a dance major, Jeff! And she likes twinkies.

Señor Chang: Man, Math Club has gotten a lot better since last year.
Jeff Winger: Obviously they were practicing while the rest of us went on dates!
Señor Chang: Hold on, I have a plan. Math Club!
Math Club Leader: Yeah?
Señor Chang: I'm Asian. You guys Asian?
Math Club Leader: That's pretty racist man!
Señor Chang: That wasn't a no. I'm coming over. Don't shoot me, shoot him. He's white and he's out of ammo.

Troy Barnes: Now this is more like it.
Jeff Winger: OK Black Rider, now let's see who's attractive.
Troy Barnes: Dude you have a problem.


"Community: Social Psychology (#1.4)" (2009)
Britta Perry: Besides, arent you like a world class expert in jibber-jabber?
Jeff Winger: I'm a sprinter. I'm best at brief spurts of wit. With Shirley, I couldn't keep up. I'd be winded by that stoner tree.

Shirley Bennett: I don't understand why you and Britta aren't together. Two good-looking white people going to school together. It just feels right.
Jeff Winger: We're not pandas in a zoo.

Jeff Winger: Pierce, give me your earpiece.
Pierce Hawthorne: I threw it away. You see, there are some things man was not meant to hear. We were designed by whatever entity you choose to hear what's in this range and this range alone. Because you know who's in this range? The people we love.
[Leaves]
Jeff Winger: He must have heard us call him Inspector Gadget.


"Community: Digital Estate Planning (#3.20)" (2012)
Jeff Winger: Oh, great. Gilbert.
[gets shot at with ray beams]
Jeff Winger: Oh, great. Evil-Jedi-Lightning Gilbert.

Jeff Winger: What the hell, Gilbert? You're cheating, which I have no problem with, but you're getting caught, and that's not cool.
Pierce Hawthorne: Yeah, don't be a knob. That inheritence is rightfully mine.
Gilbert Lawson: Rightfully?
Pierce Hawthorne: I'm his son.
Gilbert Lawson: So am I.
Pierce Hawthorne: What? That can't be true. You're half... white!
Jeff Winger: Nice save.

Jeff Winger: Okay, look. I know things seem hopeless because he's all the way to the castle with the crystal and we're starting over. But here's the thing: We're better at this game now. We've died and been reborn, and makes us heroes!
[Everybody cheer and move forward with new enthusiasm. They then move through the first door and get eaten by cannibals, dying again]


"Community: Foosball and Nocturnal Vigilantism (#3.9)" (2011)
Annie Edison: So what are you guys doing this weekend?
Pierce Hawthorne: The question is, who am I doing this weekend?
Jeff Winger: He's asking because he forgot. It's nobody.

Jeff Winger: What are you guys doing here on a Saturday night? Shouldn't you be making weird art movies or well-engineered cars?

Juergen: We came to play. Get away from our table.
Shirley Bennett: We're usin' it, strudel-brain.
Jeff Winger: Nice.
Juergen: Then play us for it.
Shirley Bennett: Fine. Monday morning. Only let's make it interesting: The losers never get to use this table again.
Juergen: Oh, you are so on that things have now become very much like Donkey Kong.


"Community: For a Few Paintballs More (#2.24)" (2011)
Britta Perry: [after Jeff get shot with a paintball] See you at Denny's?
Jeff Winger: Denny's is for winners.

Jeff Winger: Everyone look alive! Leonard, close enough.
[pause]
Jeff Winger: Greendale, it's been a pleasure fighting with you. Some of us won't make it, but there is a place where we will all see each other again, and that place is Denny's.
Leonard: Which Denny's?
Jeff Winger: We'll figure that out later, Leonard.
Leonard: The one near the fifteen exit, I'm banned from there.
Jeff Winger: Then I guess I'll see you in Hell.
Leonard: Let's kick some taint!

Jeff Winger: Do you happen to have a better plan?
Troy Barnes: I do happen, Jeff. I happen *very* much.


"Community: Advanced Introduction to Finality (#4.13)" (2013)
Jeff Winger: Well, it's official. It's on a banner.

Jeff Winger: Three and a half years ago, when I came to Greendale, I met six very important people.
Dean Pelton: Ooh, burn on Britta.
Jeff Winger: Sorry, seven. And meeting these people changed my life. Yep. I'm sorry. I don't know what to say.
[the other group members just laugh]
Troy Barnes: Yeah, okay.
Abed Nadir: Whatever.
Jeff Winger: I'm so used to being the guy who can talk his way out of anything, but what do you say when you don't want a way out? What you have all done for me is indescribable. It's unbelievable. And my love for you is immeasurable, even when you split it seven ways.

Dean Pelton: So, what's next for Jeffrey Winger?
Jeff Winger: I'm thinking I might look into some small local firms. I'm gonna use my big mouth to help the little guy.
Shirley Bennett, Annie Edison: Aww.
Jeff Winger: Plus, if I stay in town, I can pop by any time I want. You know, just to settle group arguments about who misses me the most.
[both Britta and Abed point to themselves]
Jeff Winger: What do you think?
[everyone raise their glasses]
Abed Nadir: To Jeff.
Shirley Bennett: To Jeffrey.


"Community: Basic Rocket Science (#2.4)" (2010)
[the study group approaches in a slow motion group march]
Jeff Winger: Do we have to keep walking in slow mo?
Abed Nadir: Twenty more yards.
Pierce Hawthorne: You guys are walking in slow mo?

Jeff Winger: We earn the right to pick on Greendale by going there every day. Our school may be a toilet, but it's our toilet. Nobody craps in it but us.

[Pierce is hallucinating]
Sanders: I hope you find a seat so you can be safe.
Pierce Hawthorne: Did you just threaten me?
Jeff Winger: Pierce! You're talking to an Atari cartridge.


"Community: App Development and Condiments (#5.8)" (2014)
Jeff Winger: I'm gonna become a five and expose this thing for the sham it is.
Britta Perry: Oh, now you're speaking my language.
Jeff Winger: That's unintentional, trust me.

Shirley Bennett: Hello, Jeffrey. I see you decided to join Meowmeowbeenz.
Jeff Winger: Oh, it's a great tool for living. You look great.
Shirley Bennett: You look great!
Jeff Winger: You know what you're doing.
Shirley Bennett: You know what you're doing. I'm watching you, okay? Mmm.
Annie Edison: Mmm.
[Shirley's gang walk away]
Jeff Winger: Yeah, you'll be watching my hinder, mama, choking on it's billowing plume of highly rated dust.

Jeff Winger: My name is Jeff Winger. I recently became a four. Funny thing is, when I was a two, I didn't actually have any less. But I did have a lot of crazy friends! "Hey, my name's Tommy Talouca. I'm from hallway C. I'm a two! I got to get to the cafeteria before they run out of apples!" What is it with two and apples? You're given three kinds of fruit. Mix it up! And then you become a four, and you get that, uh, that four walk. You know what I'm talking about, it's like this...
[does a funny walk]
Jeff Winger: It's like one of these. And they get a trail of twos behind them, and they're, like, "Hey, is there an apple up there?" Oh *beep*... Wow, what else is going on?
Dean Pelton: He's killing it.
Jeff Winger: There came a time I has to aks myself, did I even want to be a three? Or did I just hate myself for being a two? I don't know. All I know is I sure love them apples!


"Community: Custody Law and Eastern European Diplomacy (#2.18)" (2011)
Jeff Winger: [looks away] Oh hey, is that a reason to leave?

Shirley Bennett: God Bless you!
Jeff Winger: Not lately.

Jeff Winger: This proves you are a kidnapper. What the hell is wrong with you?
Señor Chang: I'm nuts, Jeff! Get with the program!


"Community: G.I. Jeff (#5.11)" (2014)
Jeff Winger: I came from here. I work here. My name is Jeff Winger. And you're Annie. And then Shirley.
Shirley Bennett, Tight Ship: Aww.
Jeff Winger: And Abed. And Britta.
Buzz Kill: Britta? What kind of lame name is that? I wanna be Buzzkill, because of my awesome saw.
[makes sawing noises]

Jeff Winger: You guys are my friends in real life. This is my imagination or something.
Dean Pelton: Freeze, everybody! Don't make me zap you!
Jeff Winger: Craig, it's me. Jeff.
Dean Pelton: Oh, Jeffrey! Are you okay?
Abed Nadir: No, he's not. Take it from an expert in delusion: If Jeff is hallucinating something this cool, something's wrong. He needs to get back.


"Community: Geography of Global Conflict (#3.2)" (2011)
Jeff Winger: Annie, stop! You're acting like a little schoolgirl and not in a hot way!

Jeff Winger: Abed! What did I tell you? You can't just mumble nonsense. No one's cutting away.


"Community: Intro to Felt Surrogacy (#4.9)" (2013)
[the group members are sharing their secrets]
Jeff Winger: I found the perfect girl for me, and then I met her kid.
[the characters break out in song]
Jeff Winger: I said it didn't bother me, but truthfully it did. I promised him I'd make it to a baseball game he had. But I bailed and never called again, and now I'm just exactly like my dad.
Britta Perry: I am an activist, that's always been my choice. Truth is I've never voted, except when I watch The Voice.
Annie Edison: I was struggling in history, I'm normally the best. I let Cornwallis rub my feet to give me all the answers to a test.
Troy Barnes: I caused the Greendale Fire of '03. Fifty-five acres went up in a blaze, all because I burned an ant hill.
Jeff Winger, Britta Perry, Annie Edison, Troy Barnes, Abed Nadir, Shirley Bennett: This secret inside me was trapped beyond a doubt. And now my most terrible secret's out.
Balloon Guide: [in a normal voice] There you are. Come on, guys.
Pierce Hawthorne: [singing] I've never slept with the great Eartha Kitt. We dry-humped inside of her tour bus.
Jeff Winger, Britta Perry, Annie Edison, Troy Barnes, Abed Nadir, Shirley Bennett, Pierce Hawthorne: This secret inside me was trapped beyond a doubt.
Jeff Winger: And now my most terrible secret's out.

Shirley Bennett: Thank you, Jeff. And I don't think you're anything like your father.
Jeff Winger: I don't know how you take care of one kid, let alone three.
Shirley Bennett: Aw, that's nice.
Annie Edison: So nobody thinks I'm a slutty cheater?
The Group: No.
Troy Barnes: Or me as a criminal?
The Group: No.
Britta Perry: Nobody respects me any less as a political activist, right?
Annie Edison: [after a slight pause] Well...
[everyone in the group fall silent, not knowing what to say]
Jeff Winger: [after a longer pause] The level to which we respect you as a political activist has definitely not changed.
Annie Edison: That's how I would say it.
Troy Barnes: Exactly.


"Community: Herstory of Dance (#4.8)" (2013)
Jeff Winger: You're really doing this? Look, as someone who faked being a lawyer for seven years, I appreciate your commitment to the bit, but just admit you were wrong.
Britta Perry: So you can say I Britta'd it?
Jeff Winger: Yes, of course. That goes without saying. But come on, it was a small mistake. Call this off before it becomes a full-scale "Brittastrophe." I coined that.

Jeff Winger: I know it's probably impossible to read my texts without them sounding sarcastic, but I assure you, this one is as earnest as they come. Congratulations on an awesome dance. You Britta'd the hell out of this thing.


"Community: Conspiracy Theories and Interior Design (#2.9)" (2010)
Annie Edison: Jeff, you made up a professor, and he just appeared out of thin air. You're not the least bit curious how that happened?
Jeff Winger: My latest theory? Maybe I'm a god. I've denied the signs for too long.

Jeff Winger: Does the drama club have those fake guns that fire blanks?
Professor Sean Garrity: Of course. We just used them in a modern retelling of MacBeth set in gangster-era Chicago.
Jeff Winger: Fresh take. Never would have thought of it.
[to Annie]
Jeff Winger: And you call me lazy.


"Community: Politics of Human Sexuality (#1.11)" (2009)
Pierce Hawthorne: Hey, guys. Jeff and I are double dating tonight with my new girlfriend.
Jeff Winger: You got that from "I doubt it"?

Pierce Hawthorne: So, Jeff, dust off that black book and rustle up a honey, huh?
Jeff Winger: Is there a pill that makes the word "no" clearer?


"Community: Cooperative Escapism in Familial Relations (#4.5)" (2013)
Jeff Winger: I'm sorry. You should take some credit for who I've become.
William Winger: Okay.
Jeff Winger: So let me tell you how I turned out, just so you're crystal clear on your impact. I am not well-adjusted. And more often than not, I am barely keeping it together. I'm constantly texting, and there's no one at the other end. I'm just a grown man who can't even look his own friends in the eye for too long because I'm too afraid that they'll see that I am broken. So you get credit for that.
William Winger: Oh, come on, now...
Jeff Winger: One time when, I was in seventh grade, I told everyone at school that I had appendicitis. I wanted someone to worry about me. But when Beth Brannon asked to see the scar, I didn't wanna get found out, so I took Mom's scissors, and I made one. It hurt like hell, but it was worth it, because I got 17 cards. And I still keep them in a box underneath my bed 22 years later, because it proves that someone, at some point, cared about me. You wanna see the scar? So you get credit for that too. This is me.

Jeff Winger: I heard your Thanksgiving wasn't much better than mine. So I thought we could take some time and be grateful for our real family. The one we chose.


"Community: Intro to Knots (#4.10)" (2013)
Annie Edison: Look at us! Our group's first grown-up Christmas party. Thanks for hosting. I hope you don't mind I brought a few things just to make the place look a little short-term corportate housing.
Jeff Winger: Oh, well, mi casa es su art project.

Jeff Winger: What is this?
Annie Edison: Oh, I know we said no gifts, but I couldn't resist.
Jeff Winger: You realise you've just put your friends in a very awkward position. A gift creates obligation.
Annie Edison: I don't see it that way.
Jeff Winger: Well, I do, and I think the others will too.
Shirley Bennett: [knocks on the door and comes in] Merry Christmas! I know we said no gifts, but I couldn't resist.
Jeff Winger: Oh, who couldn't have seen that coming?
Shirley Bennett: Oh, Annie, I love what you did with the place.
Annie Edison: It's a work in progress.
Troy Barnes: [he and Britta come in] Good tidings, fellow Christmas celebrators. And to all a good wassailing.
Britta Perry: I know we said no gifts, but we couldn't resist.
Jeff Winger: There is a real problem with resistance in this group.


"Community: Advanced Dungeons & Dragons (#2.14)" (2011)
[the group starts playing]
Shirley Bennett: I think this would be a perfect opportunity for us to introduce ourselves to the group. Hello, I am a dwarf...
[checks character sheet]
Shirley Bennett: ... named Zippity Do.
Abed Nadir: Okay, I'm not the best at making up names.
Jeff Winger: Greetings. I am... Marrrrrrrrr. You ain't kidding.
Troy Barnes: Hello, Marrrrr. I am Bing Bong the archer. I'm an archer and stuff.

[Pierce forces his way into the game]
Abed Nadir: As the goblins retreat, you notice a naked sixty-seven year old man with no weapons lying in the grass shivering. His name is...
Pierce Hawthorne: Pierce Hawthorne and I'm sixty-six, dick.
Abed Nadir: In about thirteen turns, he will die of exposure. Jeff?
Jeff Winger: I wait fourteen turns.


"Community: Basic Human Anatomy (#4.11)" (2013)
Abed Nadir: Freaky Friday. Oh, Troy, you are so thoughtful. I wish I had the capacity for sentimentality like you do.
Troy Barnes: Me? I wish I was more like you. No emotional hang-ups, endless cool adventures. You have it so easy.
Abed Nadir: No, you do, Troy.
Troy Barnes: No, you do, Abed.
[both grab the Freaky Friday cover]
Abed Nadir, Troy Barnes: I wish I could switch places with you for just one day.
[both start to go in circles and make weird sounds while the lighting starts to switch on and off, and then they fall over dramatically]
Shirley Bennett: Oh...
Jerry: [appearing] Sorry. Routine light-switch check.
Troy Barnes: I thought that would work.
Jeff Winger: Yeah, we're all floored it didn't.

Troy Barnes, Abed Nadir: I wish I had my own body back.
[they hold onto the Freaky Friday DVD and go around in circles]
Jeff Winger: [switching the light on and off] Sorry. Routine light-switch check.


"Community: Paranormal Parentage (#4.2)" (2013)
Pierce Hawthorne: If you knew what spooked me, you'd probably call me crazy and old.
Jeff Winger: No one's going to call you, Pierce.

Jeff Winger: Of course. Otherwise, it wouldn't be pointless.


"Community: The First Chang Dynasty (#3.21)" (2012)
Troy Barnes: There is another way in. If I enroll in the a.c. school, they'll help us. We could walk in and out. It'll mean I'll have to move out and into a.c. school housing, and I won't be able to hang out with you guys anymore, or have a relationship, or use the word sensational for some reason.
Britta Perry: Troy, we are not losing you to save the dean, or Greendale, or anything, ever.
Jeff Winger: Don't be so dramatic, Troy. The answer is simple. We just have to plan an elaborate heist.
Britta Perry: Yes!
Pierce Hawthorne: Great, I'll get my turban.
Jeff Winger: Everyone except Pierce has to plan an elaborate heist.

Troy Barnes: Shirley, never change. Or do, if you want, I'm not your boss.
Shirley Bennett: Oh, honey.
[they hug]
Pierce Hawthorne: Never wear a rubber.
Jeff Winger: [shakes hands with Troy] Never listen to Pierce.
Troy Barnes: [Annie hugs him] When you finally finish that jigsaw puzzle, will you tell me what kind of boat is at the end of that dock?
[Annie nods]
Britta Perry: This is a lock of my hair.
Troy Barnes: [in a moved voice] Creepy.
[when Abed comes up to him, Troy whispers something in his ear. Abed nods, and they do their secret handshake]
Murray: All right, let's go.
[Troy exchange a last look with the group before exits after Murray]
Annie Edison: Abed? What did he say to you?
Abed Nadir: He said: "I know you hate it when people do this in movies. Sorry I got emotional."


"Community: Course Listing Unavailable (#3.18)" (2012)
Jeff Winger: [to Britta] You seemed smarter to me when I met you.

Britta Perry: Annie has a point. The death of a peer, especially at our age, can trigger a whole range of emotions. As a psychologist...
Jeff Winger: Student.
Britta Perry: ...I hereby offer my licensed...
Jeff Winger: Unlicensed.
Britta Perry: ...services as a grief counsellor.
Jeff Winger: Grief causer.
Britta Perry: If anyone needs to talk, the doctor...
Jeff Winger: Not even close.
Britta Perry: ...is in.


"Community: Alternative History of the German Invasion (#4.4)" (2013)
Reinhold: Don't worry. If there is one thing Germans don't do, it's hold a grudge.
Abed Nadir: Unless we're talking about Die Hard 3.
Jeff Winger: Or the 20th century.

Jeff Winger: I really am Hitler.
Shirley Bennett: Yeah.
Pierce Hawthorne: So it's just decided? No vote or anything?
Troy Barnes: I hate this. I wish there was a way we could make it up to people.
Jeff Winger: That's it! We need to make reparations. We have to start giving back, because Greendale has given us so much. It gave us the study room. And that study room is our home. But our home is more than those four walls. And our family is more than the seven of us. It's all of Greendale. And everyone deserves to have what we have.
[after they finished the study room make overs]
Jeff Winger: What do you know? Greendale just got slightly better.


"Community: Heroic Origins (#4.12)" (2013)
Abed Nadir: But, Jeff, it's a graduation gift. You see, on the surface we seem like just a group of people from diverse backgrounds who have become unlikely friends. But according to my research, our paths have crossed many times. We were destined to meet, like a team of superheroes. This is our origin story.
Jeff Winger: And here we go. Abed, we don't have origin stories. We have lives. Well, at least...
[looks around the table]
Jeff Winger: Yep, just me.

Britta Perry: What are you guys doing here?
Jeff Winger: I guess we all *really* wanted yogurt.


"Community: Horror Fiction in Seven Spooky Steps (#3.5)" (2011)
Jeff Winger: I'm no sociopath. I always know what I'm doing is wrong.


"Community: The Science of Illusion (#1.20)" (2010)
Annie Edison: Well, well, well. Look who we found.
Jeff Winger: Yes, how foolish of me to hide in my regularly scheduled study group.


"Community: Curriculum Unavailable (#3.19)" (2012)
Jeff Winger: What do you mean Greendale doesn't exist?
Dr. Heidi: Well, there is a place called Greendale and you all spent three years there, but it was not a community college. These memories that you people have been sharing are a shared psychosis. You were patients there together, you were released together, and I'm alarmed to see that you are now relapsing together.


"Community: History 101 (#4.1)" (2013)
Annie Edison: Showing up early, helping others, sending girls away? Could this be a whole new Jeff Winger?
Jeff Winger: Don't ruin it by approving it.


"Community: Asian Population Studies (#2.12)" (2011)
Jeff Winger: Don't say anything until you hear what I have to say. I've known you for almost two years now and I've never taken you as seriously as I should have. You are the strangest, coolest, most genuine person I've ever met. And the thing that scares me about you is how good you make me wish I was. Help me, Rich. Help me become like you. I mean, I am so amazing, but I'm not perfect. You are. Give me that power, so I can abuse it.
Rich: Jeff, you are one funny bunny. But you can't just fake being good in order to get away with doing bad things.
Jeff Winger: Oh, I completely understand. And do you understand that I still have to try, and that, if you don't help me, you're a bad person?
Rich: You got me there, guy. Come on in and dry off.


"Community: Documentary Filmmaking: Redux (#3.8)" (2011)
Dean Pelton: Cut! Cut! Lose the bald cap!
Jeff Winger: What?
Dean Pelton: I don't like it. It's hokey. It's fake. Take it off.


"Community: Queer Studies & Advanced Waxing (#6.4)" (2015)
Elroy Patashnik: ...They took my snake and they turned it into a plumber. They made the eggs into barrels. The pine tree they made into a gorilla but I recognize my design. Donkey Kong my ass! That's Construction Snake.
Jeff Winger: I don't practice law anymore.
Elroy Patashnik: But we have a case right?
Jeff Winger: Isn't everyone you'd be suing dead?
Elroy Patashnik: That's not cool man.
Britta Perry: Why would a tree throw eggs at a snake?
Elroy Patashnik: WHY WOULD A PLUMBER BE FIGHTING A MONKEY?


"Community: Origins of Vampire Mythology (#3.15)" (2012)
Jeff Winger: None of us have to go to anyone, and the idea we do is a mental illness we contracted from breath-mint commercials and Sandra Bullock. We can't keep going to each other until we learn to go to ourselves. Stop making our hatred of ourselves someone else's job and just stop hating ourselves.


"Community: Advanced Criminal Law (#1.5)" (2009)
Jeff Winger: Cheers.
Abed: M.A.S.H.
Dr. Ian Duncan: Fawlty Towers, game over.


"Community: Communication Studies (#1.16)" (2010)
Shirley Bennett: Oh, it's Cupid Being.
Jeff Winger: Now he's got arrows. That's safe.


"Community: VCR Maintenance and Educational Publishing (#5.9)" (2014)
[first lines]
Annie Edison: It's settled. The urinals in the women's restroom will be turned into planters. Onto chores. We need some able bodies to clear out a space in the east hall storage room.
Jeff Winger: I'll do it.
Britta Perry: Really?
Jeff Winger: Yeah, Annie always goes from the easiest chores to the hardest.
Shirley Bennett: That's true, isn't it? I'll do it too.
Professor Hickey: Me too.
Annie Edison: Okay, that concludes this meeting.
Shirley Bennett: Oh!
Jeff Winger: Aw, man!
Annie Edison: Nobody picks up on my patterns. What am I gonna say next? Graham cracker! You didn't know.
Jeff Winger: Hey, it's the 'aww' couple!
[Abed and Rachel come in]
Annie Edison, Britta Perry, Shirley Bennett: Aww.


"Community: Geothermal Escapism (#5.5)" (2014)
Jeff Winger: Hey, Siegfried! Chair to dance?