Abed Nadir
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Quotes for
Abed Nadir (Character)
from "Community" (2009)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"Community: Physical Education (#1.17)" (2010)
Abed Nadir: I hate to spoil the ending for you, but pride goes out with prejudice.
Jenny Adams: That's funny.
Abed Nadir: I know. Stick with me and you'll get a laugh or two. That's the Abed guarantee.

Abed Nadir: So you guys are going to "Can't Buy Me Love" me.
Britta Perry: We're going to what?
Abed Nadir: Like the movie "Can't Buy Me Love". You're going to change me from zero to hero, geek to chic.
Troy Barnes: Oh, he means we're going to "Love Don't Cost a Thing" him.
Shirley: Oh!
Troy Barnes: "Can't Buy Me Love" was the remake for white audiences.

Abed Nadir: When you really know who you are and what you like about yourself, changing for others isn't such a big deal.
Jeff Winger: Abed, you are a God. If you'll all excuse me, I have a man to beat in pool while wearing shorts.

Abed Nadir: When you know who you are and what you like about yourself, changing for other people isn't such a big deal.

Abed Nadir: When you really know who you are and what you like about yourself, changing for others isn't such a big deal.

Jeff Winger: What are you guys doing?
Abed Nadir: They're teaching me to be someone else.
Jeff Winger: Oh, for God's sake! What did I tell you guys?
Abed Nadir: [imitating Jeff] Oh, for God's sake everybody, do whatever you want! Leave each other alone!
Troy Barnes: Whoa! That's a good Jeff. How did you do that?
Abed Nadir: 10 % Dick Van Dyke, 20 % Sam Malone, 40 % Zach Braff in Scrubs, and 30 % Hilary Swank in Boys Don't Cry.
Jeff Winger: ...Zach Braff?
Abed Nadir: Sorry.


"Community: Contemporary American Poultry (#1.21)" (2010)
Abed Nadir: Unfortunately, the very thing that drove you to this dorm room is what would prevent you from properly running this machine, or even be a cog in it: your ego.
Jeff Winger: [scoff] I see. This has been about *me* this whole time. You want a shot at the Jeff Winger throne? You better bring a powerful ass! Oh, and for your information, I don't even *have* an ego. My Facebook photo is a landscape!

Abed Nadir: It was as simple as that. From then on, we stopped being a family, and became a family, in italics.

Pierce Hawthorne: Who is this?
Abed Nadir: That's Travis. You said you wanted someone in your entourage named Travis.
Pierce Hawthorne: Show him your license. Travis is his middle name.
Travis: I go by Travis.
Pierce Hawthorne: No, you go by the door.

Pierce Hawthorne: Ay-bed, your social skills aren't exactly "streets ahead." Know what I mean?
Abed Nadir: [thinks] I don't.
Jeff Winger: You're not alone in this case. Pierce, stop trying to coin the phrase "streets ahead."
Pierce Hawthorne: Trying?
[laughs]
Pierce Hawthorne: Coined and minted! Been there, coined that! "Streets ahead" is verbal... wildfire!
Annie Edison: Does it just mean "cool," or is it supposed to be like, "miles ahead"?
Pierce Hawthorne: [scoffs] If you have to ask, you're streets behind.

Abed Nadir: And that was it. It was that simple. At that moment we stopped being a family and started being a family, in italics.

Abed Nadir: As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be in a Mafia movie.


"Community: Abed's Uncontrollable Christmas (#2.11)" (2010)
Professor Ian Duncan: Abed, how many fingers am I holding up, and more importantly, are they still made of clay?
Abed Nadir: Three, and I told you, it's not clay. We're silicone bodies with ball-and-socket armatures.
Professor Ian Duncan: Very interesting, and publishable.

Abed Nadir: My snowman talks?
Señor Chang: I'm not a snowman, I'm Chang!
Abed Nadir: But I made you.
Señor Chang: Yeah, you make me cry in the shower tonight.

Abed Nadir: If I can find the meaning of Christmas, then things will go back to normal.
Jeff Winger: ...asterisk.

Abed Nadir: We're in the carol canyon. The plants here give off Christmas carols instead of oxygen.
Pierce Hawthorne: Will walking through here be expensive?
Abed Nadir: No, it's all public domain.

Abed Nadir: [opens present] It's the first season of Lost on DVD.
Pierce Hawthorne: That's the meaning of Christmas?
Abed Nadir: It's a metaphor. It represents lack of payoff.

Abed Nadir: The meaning of Christmas is that we give it meaning. To me, it used to mean being with my mom. Now, I guess it means being with you guys. Thanks, Lost.


"Community: Epidemiology (#2.6)" (2010)
Abed Nadir: [to Troy] Make me proud. Be the first black man to make it to the end.

[Jeff, Troy, and Abed sneak through the basement]
Jeff Winger: Quiet, nerds! Do you hear something?
[They sneak forward. Suddenly, a cat jumps in front of them]
Jeff Winger: Jeez!
[laughs]
Jeff Winger: It was just a cat. Let's keep going.
[They continue through the basement. The cat jumps in front of them again]
Troy Barnes: Holy crap!
[They continue to sneak through the basement. The cat jumps in front of them again]
Jeff Winger: What is up with that cat?
Troy Barnes: Is someone throwing it?
Abed Nadir: Keep going.
[They continue. The cat jumps in front of them again]
Jeff Winger: You know, let's not keep going. Because there's an insane cat down here!
Troy Barnes: But what about the zombies?
Jeff Winger: Back burner, Troy! This cat must be dealt with!

Abed Nadir: Where's your costume?
[We see Troy with his shirt off, wearing a toilet seat cover around his neck with "Dracula" written on it]
Troy Barnes: Trying something new.
Abed Nadir: But our costumes go together. If you're not who you are, then I'm just some guy in a spandex suit and a bike helmet.
Troy Barnes: Well, I'm a sexy Dracula.
Abed Nadir: You mean vampire.
Troy Barnes: I don't need to know which Dracula to know I'm a Dracula. Nerd.

[the study group takes shelter in the study room]
Troy Barnes: Shouldn't we be barricading the doors?
Abed Nadir: No, I think we're okay.
[he peeks through the blinds and sees a zombie throw herself against the window]
Abed Nadir: Let me help you.

Abed Nadir: There. There's a window. If we climb that chain-link fence, we can get up the wall and squeeze through it.
[Jeff looks at the door, then his suit]
Jeff Winger: I vote we take the door.
Abed Nadir: He doesn't want to dirty his suit.
Troy Barnes: For real?
[Jeff opens the door and lets the zombies in]
Jeff Winger: Clothes make the man, Troy. What the hell?
[the zombies wrestle Jeff to the floor. Zombie Rich enters wearing Jeff's jacket]
Jeff Winger: That's my jacket! My jacket! You're stretching it! You're stretching it!


"Community: Advanced Dungeons & Dragons (#2.14)" (2011)
Annie Edison: Okay, come on, can we just do this? Hi, hello, I am Hector The Well Endowed. You've got a bunch of pegasi, let's make a deal.
Abed Nadir: What kind of deal?
Annie Edison: All right. I take her by the hand and lead her to the stable. I light a candle and rip off a piece of my tunic which I fashion into a blindfold.
Abed Nadir: Oh, Hector, but I don't know if I...
Annie Edison: Shhh, shhh. I place it gently over the elf maiden's eyes...
[music swells and the dialogue fades as an extended montage of Annie and Abed describing their character's lovemaking takes place]
Abed Nadir: [exhales with satisfaction] Okay, you both fall back exhausted but still entwined.
Annie Edison: [cheerfully] Great, I stroke her hair lovingly and spoon her for the appropriate amount of time before leaving.

[the group starts playing]
Shirley Bennett: I think this would be a perfect opportunity for us to introduce ourselves to the group. Hello, I am a dwarf...
[checks character sheet]
Shirley Bennett: ... named Zippity Do.
Abed Nadir: Okay, I'm not the best at making up names.
Jeff Winger: Greetings. I am... Marrrrrrrrr. You ain't kidding.
Troy Barnes: Hello, Marrrrr. I am Bing Bong the archer. I'm an archer and stuff.

Annie Edison: [reading character sheet] I am... ew, Hector the Well-Endowed? Abed.
Abed Nadir: I didn't know you'd just grab one at random. I made that with Troy in mind.
[he and Troy share their personal handshake]

Abed Nadir: An arrow flies through the air over Brutalitops. Goblins are running toward you from the treeline wielding daggers.
Troy Barnes: I attack them using my... additional notes.
Abed Nadir: It has no effect. Britta?
Britta Perry: I wanna know why these goblins are attacking us. Maybe these woods are their rightful land and from their perspective...
[everyone else groans]
Troy Barnes: You're like the AT&T of people!

[Pierce forces his way into the game]
Abed Nadir: As the goblins retreat, you notice a naked sixty-seven year old man with no weapons lying in the grass shivering. His name is...
Pierce Hawthorne: Pierce Hawthorne and I'm sixty-six, dick.
Abed Nadir: In about thirteen turns, he will die of exposure. Jeff?
Jeff Winger: I wait fourteen turns.


"Community: Introduction to Film (#1.3)" (2009)
Abed: My dad will only pay for classes that will help me run the family business. 9/11 was pretty much 9/11 for the falafel business.

Abed: Our first assignment is a documentary. They're like real movies but with ugly people.

Abed: Jeff, I think you should play the role of my father.
Jeff Winger: I don't wanna be your father.
Abed: That's perfect. You already know your lines.

Britta: Abed, did you do all of that to me on purpose? That's not a very nice way to treat your friends.
Abed: Well, Britta, it isn't called friend business. It's called show business.

Abed Nadir: Our first assignment is a documentary. They're like real movies but with ugly people.


"Community: Investigative Journalism (#1.13)" (2010)
Annie Edison: You expect me to watch you do that without telling on you?
Jeff Winger: That's a hard-hitting question, Annie. Are you a reporter?
Annie Edison: No, they've got me editing the crossword because I'm a girl. And because I love crosswords!
Jeff Winger: Well, now you love the streets. You're my ace news hound.
Annie Edison: Ace? You can do that?
Jeff Winger: We can do anything we want. It's Greendale. Now go find me that story.
[Annie leaves]
Abed: This character reboot is really gelling for you, Jeff. That was all classic Hawkeye. Sending soldiers out for liquor. Slyly sidestepping the problematic scrutiny of Annie "Hotlips" Edison. I should build you a still for making Hawkeye martinis.
Jeff Winger: Of all your pop culture fixations, this is one I can work with, Abed.
Abed: Call me Radar?
Jeff Winger: When you've earned it.

Jeff Winger: Who are you kidding, Abed? I just dragged a screaming, crying man out of a library with his pants down. No. Martinis are for Hawkeyes. I'm the same uptight jerk I was last semester.
Abed: Jeff, what's your favorite episode of M*A*S*H?
Jeff Winger: The one with, uh... the army.
Abed: That's what I thought. If you'd ever actually seen the show, you'd know that Hawkeye didn't just bed nurses and drink martinis. He also had blood sprayed on his face and barked orders when the choppers came in. If he didn't, people died. He was a leader, Jeff. That's your job.

Jeff Winger: You know what you guys sound like? Me last semester.
[Points at Annie]
Jeff Winger: Cynical...
[Points at Shirley]
Jeff Winger: ... elitist...
[Points at Abed]
Jeff Winger: ... rakishly good-looking.
Abed: Thanks.

Britta Perry: Guys! Guys, let's take a vote.
Abed: Secret vote. Everybody cover your eyes.
Annie Edison: We won't know the results.
Abed: Well, say your vote out loud.
Shirley Bennett: We'll know each other's voices.
Pierce Hawthorne: Troy's got a point.

Abed: Oh, you made me so happy I just peed a little.


"Community: Interpretive Dance (#1.14)" (2010)
Abed Nadir: This is like being told you're our new mother.
Professor Michelle Slater: But you know it's nothing like that?
Abed Nadir: Do you cook macaroni?
Professor Michelle Slater: I have.
Abed Nadir: Macaroni's my favorite.

[Troy works on a crossword puzzle]
Troy Barnes: Broadway musical, five letters.
Abed Nadir: Annie.
Troy Barnes: Six letters, to penetrate.
Abed Nadir: Pierce.
Troy Barnes: Water filter, starts with "B".
Abed Nadir: Britta.
Troy Barnes: Four letters, Helen of...
Abed Nadir: Troy.
Troy Barnes: Four letters, one of acting brothers Bridges.
Abed Nadir: Hmmm, that's a tough one. What could it be? What could it be?
Jeff Winger: Guys? Don't you see? It's Beau! They're all things you can see on T.V. "Pierce" was a misdirect.

Annie Edison: ..."Our library's back door conundrum."
Abed Nadir: Sounds like a porno with Kate Winslet.

Annie Edison: Before we start, I'd like to have a preliminary pow wow, or prelimiwow, about what I'm calling our library's backdoor conundrum.
Abed Nadir: Sounds like a porno with Kate Winslet.
Annie Edison: Abed, Ew.


"Community: Introduction to Statistics (#1.7)" (2009)
Troy: [Abed is dressed as Batman] Can I ask you something I always wanted to ask the real Batman?
Abed: [in Batman's voice] Yeah!
Troy: Am I good looking?
Abed: You're a very attractive young man.
Troy: I knew it!

Abed: [in Batman's voice] There's a storm brewing on the horizon, but you and I will save the night. Chex Mix, pretzels, baby carrots: predictable but appetizing!

Jeff Winger: Batman?
Abed: Yeah.
Jeff Winger: Are you staying for the party?
Abed: If I stay there can be no party. I must be out there in the night, staying vigilant. Where ever a party needs to be saved, I'm there. Where ever there are masks or if there's tom foolery in joy, I'm there. But sometimes I'm not because I'm out there in the night staying vigilant, watching, lurking, running, jumping, hurdling, sleeping. No I can't sleep. You sleep, I'm awake. I don't sleep. I don't blink. Am I a bird? No, I'm a bat. I am Batman. Or am I? Yes, I am Batman.
[Applies Chapstick]
Abed: Happy Halloween.

Troy: That's one of my biggest fears.
Abed: What is?
Troy: If I ever, like, woke up as a doughnut...
Abed: You would eat yourself.
Troy: I wouldn't even question it.
Abed: Mmm. That'd be tasty.


"Community: Remedial Chaos Theory (#3.4)" (2011)
Abed Nadir, Troy Barnes: Troy and Abed's new apartment!

Troy Barnes: One word, two syllables.
Jeff Winger: Please don't say Charades.
Abed Nadir, Troy Barnes: Yahtzee!
Jeff Winger: Is Charades still off the table?

Jeff Winger: Starting on my left with one, your number comes up, you go.
Abed Nadir: Just so you know, Jeff, you are now creating six different timelines.
Jeff Winger: [incredulous] Of course I am, Abed.

Abed Nadir: Chaos already dominates enough of our lives. The universe is an endless raging sea of randomness. Our job isn't to fight it, but to weather it together, on the raft of life. A raft held together by those few, rare, beautiful things that we know to be predictable.
Britta Perry: Ropes. Vines. Vines? Let him finish!
Abed Nadir: Us. It won't matter what happens to us as long as we stay honest and accepting of each other's flaws and virtues. Annie will always be driven. Shirley will always be giving. Pearce will never apologize. Britta's sort of a wildcard from my perspective. And Jeff will forever remain a conniving son of a bitch.
[Everybody gasps]
Shirley Bennett: Abed!
Abed Nadir: There's 6 sides to this die, and 7 of us. He devised a system by which he never has to get the pizza.
[Jeff sniggers and the rest of the group send him to get the pizza]


"Community: Anthropology 101 (#2.1)" (2010)
Troy Barnes: [Troy begins to beatbox]
Professor June Bauer, Abed Nadir, Troy Barnes: Kingdom, Animalia. Phylum, Chordala. The Class is Mammalia, cause, boobies we gotta. Order is Primate. Family, Hominidae. Genus is Homo but I know you're inda me. Cause I am the Species known as Sapien. Dogs used to eat me, but now they bring the paper in.
Professor June Bauer: It's gonna take a lot to take me away from you There's nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do I bless the rains down in Africa, I bless the rains down in Africa, I bless the rains down in Africa.

Troy Barnes: Abed, Jeff made out with Annie
Abed Nadir: What? When, where?
Britta Perry: [angry] Yeah, where?
Pierce Hawthorne: That's inappropriate. I'm assuming on the mouth.
Annie Edison: It was after the Transfer Dance
Britta Perry: Oh, so I tell you that I love you, and you go outside and stick your tongue into a teenager!

Jeff Winger: Sorry I'm late. I was in my car, loving Britta.
[Jeff and Britta kiss and then look deeply into each other's eyes]
Jeff Winger: I guess I just love you too much
[Annie rocks nervously, a sick look on her face]
Britta Perry: Not half as much as me
Abed Nadir: Jeff do you think you'll marry Britta?
Jeff Winger: I'd like to see someone stop me.
Britta Perry: I just peed a little.
Abed Nadir: [Abed presents them with a ring] Then here, propose.
Britta Perry: [Jeff and Britta both look at the ring and then begin struggling over it] I've got it. I've got it.
[Britta gets the ring and puts it on Jeff's finger]
Britta Perry: Jeff Winger, will you marry me?
Jeff Winger: Yeah, yeah, of course. No problem, no problem.
[Shirley screams in delight and Annie screams in horror]
Abed Nadir: Great, I'll be right back
[Abed rushes out of the room]
Shirley Bennett: [Annie screams again as Jeff and Britta kiss] Thank the Lord you're getting married, I was so worried about your souls ever since you had premarital sex on the table.
Troy Barnes: [Everyone leaps back from the table in disgust] Awesome!
Jeff Winger: You told Shirley?
Shirley Bennett: Well there's no need for secrecy now. It was during the paintball game
Troy Barnes: Was there anything you didn't win that day?
Annie Edison: [Annie runs over and punches Jeff in the face] You slept with her and then kissed me?
Britta Perry: What?
Irish Singer: [Abed enters with an entourage of people carrying a wedding arbor and singing] But she's in so deep/ You know she's such a fool for him/ She's got a ring around her finger ah-ah-ah/ And Abed hired and Irish singer/ Britta's marrying/ Britta's marrying/ Britta's marrying Jeffrey Winger!

Abed Nadir: I can tell life from TV, Jeff. TV makes sense, it has structure, logic, rules, and likeable leading men. In life, we have this. We have you.


"Community: Romantic Expressionism (#1.15)" (2010)
Pierce Hawthorne: Change! Time to change the channel! This guy'll be begging for change soon, he keeps making movies this terrible! We should change to something good, this movie stinks! We should change his diaper. That's change we can believe in!
Abed: [Abed hits pause] Okay, it's obvious something strange is happening here.
Pierce Hawthorne: What are you talking about? I'm making jokes during a movie.
Troy: Yeah, but you're doing it with the speed and determination of the incomparable Robin Williams.

Abed: When you guys first came in, we were as wholesome as the family in the Brady Bunch. Now we're as dysfunctional and incestuous as the cast of the Brady Bunch.
Shirley Bennett: I agree with Abed. This is getting creepy.
Annie Edison: No more creepy than when Jeff wears tight jeans and you say, "I'd like to slap those buns on the grill!"
Shirley Bennett: First of all, I don't talk like that, and second of all where I'm from it's perfectly normal for women to talk about their male friends' backsides. You don't see me saying anything about Abed and Troy's weird little relationship.
Abed, Troy: [to each other] They're just jealous.

Pierce Hawthorne: "Directed by Kim Yung." Asian. Can't direct, can't drive.
Señor Chang: Dude, I'm right here.
Abed: Right there.

"Kickpuncher" narrator: It is the year 2006 A.D and nuclear war has ravaged the planet.
Abed: I must've missed that.


"Community: Urban Matrimony and the Sandwich Arts (#3.11)" (2012)
Andre: Hey, anybody seen Shirley?
Abed Nadir: What? Shirley's late to the rehearsal for her wedding? Oh my.
Andre: Hey man, you don't have to be sarcastic.
Abed Nadir: I'm not being sarcastic.
Troy Barnes: We're heavily invested in your situation. Nothing's more important to us than your second wedding's rehearsal going smoothly.

Troy Barnes: We just watched the Inspector Spacetime wedding special, so we know how to act in a wedding.
Abed Nadir: Be sure to get a DNA sample from each of the guests. Once Inspector Spacetime ended up marrying himself as a baby.

Troy Barnes: [Watching Jeff and Britta's drunken argument] There are so many layers.
Abed Nadir: It's almost too conceptual to follow. But I love it.


"Community: Introduction to Finality (#3.22)" (2012)
Evil Abed: You're worried you'll go crazy without Troy. That's why you're going to let Britta fix you, right? Because you think you're broken, you're going to get diagnosed by someone who said her favorite superhero was X-Man.

Evil Abed: When the world gets bad enough, Abed, the good go crazy. But the smart... they go bad.

Evil Abed: Do you know what kind of person becomes a psychologist, Britta? A person that wishes, deep down, that everyone more special than them was sick, because "Healthy" sounds so much more exciting than "Boring."


"Community: Cooperative Polygraphy (#5.4)" (2014)
Jeff Winger: [after hearing that his Netflix account is getting used by his colleagues] Is that why my review of "The Grey" keeps changing?
Abed Nadir: Yes, stop giving it four stars.
Jeff Winger: I like Liam Neeson.
Abed Nadir: Then send him a message about the roles he chooses.

Mr. Stone: Abed Nadir, did you know that you're insane and nothing that you said ever said made any sense to me?
Abed Nadir: Yep.
Mr. Stone: Here's your sperm.

Annie Edison: [about Troy leaving] Somebody say something! Abed?
Abed Nadir: Cool. Cool cool cool.
Mara: That's a lie.


"Community: Pilot (#1.1)" (2009)
Jeff Winger: I see your value now.
Abed: That is the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.

Abed: I thought you were like Bill Murray in any of his films, but you're more like Michael Douglas in any of his films.
Jeff Winger: Yeah, well you have Aspergers.

Abed: I'm sorry I called you Michael Douglas, and I see your value now.


"Community: Heroic Origins (#4.12)" (2013)
Abed Nadir: But, Jeff, it's a graduation gift. You see, on the surface we seem like just a group of people from diverse backgrounds who have become unlikely friends. But according to my research, our paths have crossed many times. We were destined to meet, like a team of superheroes. This is our origin story.
Jeff Winger: And here we go. Abed, we don't have origin stories. We have lives. Well, at least...
[looks around the table]
Jeff Winger: Yep, just me.

Britta Perry: So you're saying we're all connected,like the classic French film trilogy "Bleu, Blanc, Rouge."
Abed Nadir: No, like something more accessible, like "Unbreakable."

Abed Nadir: I was looking for you.
Señor Chang: What? I...
Abed Nadir: We discovered you're the reason we all went to Greendale. You linked all our stories, like how the Cosmic Cube assembled the Avengers. That, and the four billion dollar deal with Disney. Turns out you were always one of us. So I came to see if you wanted to get some frozen yogurt.
Señor Chang: Really? That's... That's all I ever wanted. But it's too late.
Abed Nadir: Here's another thing I realised. Because of you, we got to reinvent ourselves at Greendale. Everyone should have the same chance, don't you think, Chang?
Señor Chang: It's not Chang. It's Kevin.
[Abed just looks at him]
Señor Chang: How long have you known?
Abed Nadir: Known what? Only you know who you really are. Also, you may have experimental monkey fever. You coming?
Señor Chang: [pauses] Yeah.


"Community: Mixology Certification (#2.10)" (2010)
[the study group finishes singing "Happy Birthday" to Troy]
Pierce Hawthorne: That's weird. How come we only sang the last two words? What happened to the "happy birthday" part?
Shirley Bennett: You know that Troy is a Jehovah's Witness and he doesn't celebrate birthdays.
Abed Nadir: And we had to keep the language on the cake compliant.
Troy Barnes: [reading the cake] Hello during a random dessert, the month and day of which coincide numerically from your expulsion from a uterus.

[Robert watches Abed play Asteroids]
Robert: Oh, careful. If you score any higher, the Rylans are going to recruit you to fight their war against the Ko-Dan Empire.
Abed Nadir: The Last Starfighter. Did you get the twenty-fifth anniversary Blu-Ray?
Robert: Is Scorpius half Scarran/half Peacekeeper? Frell yes, I got Starfighter on Blu-Ray.


"Community: Early 21st Century Romanticism (#2.15)" (2011)
Shirley Bennett: We've got to do something about Pierce and those painkillers.
Jeff Winger: He's recovering from broken legs
Troy Barnes: I'll say. He can moonwaaaalk!
Jeff Winger: I'm sure he's almost through his prescription. Besides he's a baby boomer, they invented drugs.
Britta Perry: Yeah, they also invented tv, have you seen him control one of those?
Annie Edison: [pointing at the others] Intervention? Intervention? Intervention?
Jeff Winger: Count me out.
Shirley Bennett: We can't count you out, he listens to you.
Jeff Winger: Well he also listens to the Barenaked Ladies, go get their dumb asses to help you.
Troy Barnes: [everyone gasps in horror] Okay Jeff, you are clearly in a bad space today, but Pierce is our friend, and the Barenaked Ladies are triple platinum, are you?
Jeff Winger: Why does everyone leap to defend that band so aggressively and how much stuff do we have to go through this year before my friendship stops being questioned?
Annie Edison: Well maybe friendship is about going through a lot of stuff Jeff, and maybe BNL has two Billboard Awards to your zero!
Jeff Winger: Oh, okay, they're BNL now? We need a shorthand for the Barenaked Ladies. That's how fundamental they are
Abed Nadir: Fundamental.
Jeff Winger: You know what Pierce probably needs more than anything? Some space. Maybe I do too.
Britta Perry: [yelling angrily] You know what? Maybe we all need some space, to pull the knife out of the back of the most celebrated Canadian alt-rock band of the mid 90s, you selfish, jaded, ass!

Troy Barnes: Why does being a librarian make her even hotter?
Abed Nadir: They're keepers of knowledge. She holds the answers to all of our questions, like "Will you marry me?" and "Why are there still libraries?"
Troy Barnes: I wanna be a book. She could pick me up, flip through my pages, make sure nobody drew wieners in me.


"Community: Modern Warfare (#1.23)" (2010)
Abed Nadir: [Hears singing in the distance] Glee club.
Britta Perry: How do you know it's the Glee Club?
Abed Nadir: Listen.
Annie Edison: [Hears them sing a rendition of "Hit Me With Your Best Shot" by Pat Benatar] Oh, brother!
[Gets up]
Annie Edison: That is *so* uninspired!
[Gets shot]
Jeff Winger: I'm not so sure...

Abed Nadir: Come with me if you don't want paint on your clothes.


"Community: Cooperative Calligraphy (#2.8)" (2010)
Dean Pelton: [Looking into the library] What the hell did you people do in there!
Abed Nadir: Something you and your puppies could only dream of, you non-miraculous son of a bitch.

Annie Edison: Jeff, you're in charge. I demand you deal with this.
Jeff Winger: There's nothing to deal with.
Abed Nadir: I'll say.
Jeff Winger: Okay, all right, all right, everyone breathe. You know what this is?
Abed Nadir: Yep.
Jeff Winger: Shut up. This is a normal day with a bunch of friends who are done studying and a pen maybe rolled away.
Annie Edison: Rolled away?
Jeff Winger: Or fell down someone's shoe.
Annie Edison: Let's check shoes.
Jeff Winger: Annie! Fine, fine. Someone in this room is hiding your pen. Wanna know why? They feel terrible. They made a mistake. They waited too long to come forward and now they feel bad.
Britta Perry: They should.
Jeff Winger: Okay, okay. So, pen thief, we understand what happened, and we forgive you.
Annie Edison: If you confess and apologize.
Jeff Winger: Right, but here's the trick: Because this person now has no reason not to come forward, if by some chance, I get to the count of three and nobody comes forward, guess what. We have to accept that no one has the pen, don't we?
[everyone makes a half-hearted agreeing sound]
Jeff Winger: Don't we?
[everyone makes the same sound again]
Jeff Winger: Good. So here we go. One. Two.
[Pierce raises his hand, and everyone points at him in an accusative way. Annie gasps]
Jeff Winger: Pierce, do you have something to tell us?
Pierce Hawthorne: Yes. Is it me, or has it become really obvious that Jeff took the pen?
[different people agree with this at the same time]
Jeff Winger: [angrily] You wanna make a bet, you jerks? Lockdown! Abed, seal the doors. Nobody leaves until this pen shows up.
Abed Nadir: I don't like this.
Jeff Winger: Yeah, tell it to the pen you might have.
[Jeff puts his phone to his ear]
Jeff Winger: Gwynnifer? Hi. Yeah, it's me. I can't make it. Well, tell your disappointment to suck it. I'm doing a bottle episode.
[hangs up and throws his phone away]


"Community: Critical Film Studies (#2.19)" (2011)
Abed Nadir: I probably mentioned in the past my fondness for a TV program called Cougar Town.
Jeff Winger: Here and there.
Abed Nadir: I even started a Cougar Town fan club on Facebook. Not to accomplish anything, mind you. Simply to express my love for the show. Well, it ended up being quite large, this fan club, and one morning, I think it was maybe early March, I got this Facebook message. A very nice message from the people who make Cougar Town.
Jeff Winger: Looking for work?
Abed Nadir: No, thanking me, Jeff. You know, for all the support I generated for the show. And in the last paragraph, they said: "If you'd like, you could come visit the set." Just like that.
Jeff Winger: Well, that's cool of them.
Abed Nadir: Mhm.
Jeff Winger: I guess that kind of makes them the Pulp Fictions of people. Man, how great was that movie?
Abed Nadir: Yeah. So I sold a few of my action figures, and I bought a round-trip ticket to Los Angeles.
Jeff Winger: Wait, you went? When?
Abed Nadir: Over spring break. What could I do? Two days after I got that invitation, I was on the set of Cougar Town, Jeff. Cougar Town.
Jeff Winger: Look, if you want me to take it seriously, stop saying its name.
Abed Nadir: You laugh, Jeff, but the people were wonderful, you know. Not just the actors, but the crew, everyone. There must have been 200 people, each with a specific function, but all dedicated to a single purpose. It was like a village or like a living thing. And, you know, I'm talking to the director, and he says: "Why don't you jump into the background?" I say: "Nah, wait a minute. Jump into the background of what, exactly?" And he says: "Jump into the background of this scene. Walk through it. Walk through Cougar Town." "Thank you." Well, before I can react, this girl takes me by the hand, and she stands me behind this patio where Courteney Cox and the actors are doing their scene. And the girl says: "Now, when you hear 'action,' I want tyou to walk from here to there, right?" That's when I really started to panic, Jeff, because if I'm a person that watches Cougar Town, how can I be in Cougar Town, you know? And the more I start thinking about it, the less any of it makes any sense at all. And I just want to turn and run, but it's too late, because the director's calling "action!" So before I take my first step, I realize that I have to stop being someone who's ever seen the show and become a character on the show. Become a man from Cougar Town. You know, someone born there, whose name, I decide, is Chad. And I take my first step, as a child might, learning to walk as Chad. And with each step, becomes easier. And with each step, I start remembering things from Chad's life, like his first kiss under the big tree at Cougar Town field. Playing soccer at Cougar Town Junior High. Finding my first chest hair in the shower, my first apartment, my first true love falling for my best friend, birthdays, weddings, car crashes, playing charades at Thanksgiving. Chad had lived, Jeff. You know? Chad had lived more than Abed. And then they called "cut," and the scene was over. But I wasn't ready stop being Chad, so I said to the director: "Can we have one more take?" But they were already moving on. Courteney had nailed it. My lips started trembling, and my hands and feet went numb, my knees buckled, and as I fell to the floor, I pooped my pants. I did. Because the truth is, Jeff, I had been Chad, and Chad was dead. But as Abed, I was still alive, so someone helped me up. And the wardrobe lady came over. She gave me new pants. I thanked everyone, I apologized, and went straight to the airport.
Jeff Winger: [stunned pause] Um, your food's getting cold.
Abed Nadir: Oh, how silly of me.

Jeff Winger: Conversation was invented by humans to conceal reality. We use it to sweet-talk our way around natural selection, You know who has real conversations? Ants. They talk by vomiting chemicals into each other's mouths. They get right down to brass tracks. Bleh! "Which way's the picnic?" Bleh! "That way." Humans are more evolved. We lie.
Abed Nadir: Not all the time.
Jeff Winger: That's a lie.
Abed Nadir: We don't lie when we're alone.
Jeff Winger: Biggest lie ever. Nine out of ten lies occur six inches away from the bathroom mirror. We do most of our lying alone.
Abed Nadir: How is it even possible to lie when you are alone?
Jeff Winger: You can call a phone sex line. That's lying to yourself.
Abed Nadir: No, that's just being honest with a stranger about being lonely.
Jeff Winger: What if you're dishonest about why you're lonely? What if you're a good-looking guy who calls a phone sex line and tells them he weighs 400 pounds, just so he can hear a woman say she's attracted to him anyway?
Abed Nadir: Well, I don't believe that happens.
Jeff Winger: Wrong. That's me! I did that last week.
Abed Nadir: But why would you pay a woman on the phone to think you're fat?
Jeff Winger: Because I'm scared that if I were overweight that no one would like me. God, that feels good to admit! Abed, the point being...
[puts his constant-buzzing phone into his drink]
Jeff Winger: The point being, you don't have to worry about being normal, or real, or whatever this is tonight. The world is a sick place, full of sick, sick people.


"Community: Pillows and Blankets (#3.14)" (2012)
Jeff Winger: Come on, guys, let's wrap this up.
Abed Nadir: I don't wanna.
Troy Barnes: Me neither.
Jeff Winger: Why not?
Abed Nadir: This is gonna be the last thing we ever do together.
Troy Barnes: We can't stop.
Jeff Winger: Look, doesn't that kinda solve your problem, the realization that you like each other so much you'd hit each other with pillows forever?
Abed Nadir: Knowing that doesn't feel like enough anymore.
Troy Barnes: Yeah. We're grown ups now. We have grown up problems.
Jeff Winger: That's very clear. Unless you use those magical friendship hats that I got for you.
Troy Barnes: We're not stupid, Jeffrey. We know you made those sarcastically.
Jeff Winger: Yes, yes. And I will roll my eyes at both of you when I put them on your heads, because that's the way I am. But that's not the way you have to be.
Abed Nadir: We might be interested.
Jeff Winger: Okay, then. Here's your magical friendship hats, and...
Troy Barnes: Jeff.
Jeff Winger: What?
Abed Nadir: You left the magical friendship hats at the dean's office.
Jeff Winger: Right. Of course. I'll go get them.
Annie Edison: [on tape] So Jeff went out and he stayed out long enough to make them believe he had gone to the office. It was a nice touch.
Jeff Winger: [back in the scene, with the imaginary hats] Here you go. Lucky no one grabbed them, huh?
[Troy and Abed use their secret handshake, and all is well]
Narrator: [voice over] Britta Perry is there to immortalize the moment on film accidentally, while trying to get a moment of the light hitting a stack of nearby waffles.

Abed Nadir: The war won't stop with First Blood: Part II. It will escalate to Rambo III. It should really be called Rambo: First Blood, Part III, but the Rambo titles never made sense. And neither does war. Abed Nadir, Facebook status update.
Leonard: Leonard likes this post.


"Community: Digital Estate Planning (#3.20)" (2012)
Abed Nadir: I'm gonna stay here in the village with Hilda and help her rebuild her life.
Britta Perry: Abed, she's a programme.
Abed Nadir: People have said similar things about me.

Troy Barnes, Abed Nadir: Troy and Abed shooting lava!


"Community: Foosball and Nocturnal Vigilantism (#3.9)" (2011)
Abed Nadir: The night beckons, like a finger curling and uncurling as if to say "Hey, come here".

Britta Perry: I'm volunteering at the animal hospital.
Troy Barnes: [excited] Animal hospital?
Abed Nadir: The animals are the patients.
Troy Barnes: Oh. That makes sense.


"Community: Beginner Pottery (#1.19)" (2010)
Pierce Hawthorne: [Wearing a boating uniform] Guess what I've enrolled in?
Jeff Winger: Singing back-up for Tennille?
Pierce Hawthorne: No, no, no, hey. Beginning sailing.
Abed Nadir: But the nearest body of water is two and a half hours away.
Pierce Hawthorne: Leagues, Abed. We don't measure water by hours.

Abed Nadir: Jeff has felt jealousy before, even envy, but that first day of pottery class...
Jeff Winger: Abed!
Abed Nadir: What?
Jeff Winger: What did we discuss?
Abed Nadir: No voice overs. Sorry. It is kind of a crutch.


"Community: Advanced Criminal Law (#1.5)" (2009)
Jeff Winger: Cheers.
Abed: M.A.S.H.
Dr. Ian Duncan: Fawlty Towers, game over.

Troy Barnes: What are you writin' in?
Abed Nadir: This notepad.
Troy Barnes: Yeah, but what - what language?
Abed Nadir: It's probably Arabic.


"Community: Advanced Introduction to Finality (#4.13)" (2013)
Jeff Winger: Three and a half years ago, when I came to Greendale, I met six very important people.
Dean Pelton: Ooh, burn on Britta.
Jeff Winger: Sorry, seven. And meeting these people changed my life. Yep. I'm sorry. I don't know what to say.
[the other group members just laugh]
Troy Barnes: Yeah, okay.
Abed Nadir: Whatever.
Jeff Winger: I'm so used to being the guy who can talk his way out of anything, but what do you say when you don't want a way out? What you have all done for me is indescribable. It's unbelievable. And my love for you is immeasurable, even when you split it seven ways.

Dean Pelton: So, what's next for Jeffrey Winger?
Jeff Winger: I'm thinking I might look into some small local firms. I'm gonna use my big mouth to help the little guy.
Shirley Bennett, Annie Edison: Aww.
Jeff Winger: Plus, if I stay in town, I can pop by any time I want. You know, just to settle group arguments about who misses me the most.
[both Britta and Abed point to themselves]
Jeff Winger: What do you think?
[everyone raise their glasses]
Abed Nadir: To Jeff.
Shirley Bennett: To Jeffrey.


"Community: Spanish 101 (#1.2)" (2009)
Troy: [as Abed lays down a beat, Troy raps] ¿Dónde está la biblioteca? Me llamo T-Bone, la araña discoteca.
Abed: Discoteca, muñeca, la biblioteca, es bigote grande, perro, manteca.
Troy: Manteca, bigote, gigante, pequeño, cabeza es nieve. Cerveza es bueno!
Abed: Buenas Días! Me gusta papas frías! Bigote de la cabra es Cameron Diaz. Yeah, Boy!
Troy: Yeah! What!
Abed: Yeah. It's 2009.
Troy: Word!

Abed: Conflicts like this will ultimately bring us togther as an unlikely family.
Troy: You have horrible breath right now.


"Community: Basic Human Anatomy (#4.11)" (2013)
Abed Nadir: Freaky Friday. Oh, Troy, you are so thoughtful. I wish I had the capacity for sentimentality like you do.
Troy Barnes: Me? I wish I was more like you. No emotional hang-ups, endless cool adventures. You have it so easy.
Abed Nadir: No, you do, Troy.
Troy Barnes: No, you do, Abed.
[both grab the Freaky Friday cover]
Abed Nadir, Troy Barnes: I wish I could switch places with you for just one day.
[both start to go in circles and make weird sounds while the lighting starts to switch on and off, and then they fall over dramatically]
Shirley Bennett: Oh...
Jerry: [appearing] Sorry. Routine light-switch check.
Troy Barnes: I thought that would work.
Jeff Winger: Yeah, we're all floored it didn't.

Troy Barnes, Abed Nadir: I wish I had my own body back.
[they hold onto the Freaky Friday DVD and go around in circles]
Jeff Winger: [switching the light on and off] Sorry. Routine light-switch check.


"Community: Communication Studies (#1.16)" (2010)
Abed Nadir: [Got a basket of muffins] Another actress who wants to be in one of my movies.
Annie Edison: Does that really work?
Abed Nadir: Yes. Meryl Streep got her two Oscars from her baking. I was trying to be sarcastic, but it didn't come out.
[Exaggerated inflection]
Abed Nadir: This sounds *much* more like sarcasm. Inflection is *so* interesting.

Abed Nadir: I can't remember the name of that girl from Breakfast Club. Mary. Margo. Molly Ringworm. You broke me.


"Community: Paradigms of Human Memory (#2.21)" (2011)
Jeff Winger: Abed, you're a computer. Scan your mainframe for juicy memories!
Abed Nadir: [Abed stares impassively at Jeff for several seconds as Jeff becomes more uncomfortable] Jeff and Britta have been having secret sex!

[Abed sneaks through the cafeteria dressed as "The Cape", uses his cape to drag Jeff's dinner onto the floor, and runs away]
Jeff Winger: The show's gonna last three weeks!
Abed Nadir: Six seasons and a movie!


"Community: Comparative Religion (#1.12)" (2009)
Shirley: Uh, quick question. Are you all coming to my Christmas party right after the final, or are you stopping home to change into your Christmas outfits?
Annie: [Breaking the silence] I guess I could wear one of my Hanukkah sweaters.
Shirley: Uh, Annie.
[Uncomfortable]
Shirley: I didn't know you weren't, uh, Christian.
Annie: Yep. One might even say I'm Jewish.
Shirley: [Faking tolerance] Oh, tha-that's good for you. Tha-that's wonderful. I respect all religions of the world.
Abed: I'm Muslim.
Troy: Jehovah's Witness.
Britta: Atheist.
Shirley: [With raised eyebrows] The Lord is testing me.

Britta: Are we really gonna let religion divide us like this. I think there's one thing we can all agree on.
Abed: I get 72 virgins in heaven.
Britta: No. That we would all like to have Jeff at this party.


"Community: The First Chang Dynasty (#3.21)" (2012)
Abed Nadir: Chang started his solo. Knowing him, that gives us only nine minutes to get to the records room.

Troy Barnes: Shirley, never change. Or do, if you want, I'm not your boss.
Shirley Bennett: Oh, honey.
[they hug]
Pierce Hawthorne: Never wear a rubber.
Jeff Winger: [shakes hands with Troy] Never listen to Pierce.
Troy Barnes: [Annie hugs him] When you finally finish that jigsaw puzzle, will you tell me what kind of boat is at the end of that dock?
[Annie nods]
Britta Perry: This is a lock of my hair.
Troy Barnes: [in a moved voice] Creepy.
[when Abed comes up to him, Troy whispers something in his ear. Abed nods, and they do their secret handshake]
Murray: All right, let's go.
[Troy exchange a last look with the group before exits after Murray]
Annie Edison: Abed? What did he say to you?
Abed Nadir: He said: "I know you hate it when people do this in movies. Sorry I got emotional."


"Community: Football, Feminism and You (#1.6)" (2009)
Abed Nadir: Will they or won't they? Sexual tension.
Jeff Winger: Abed, it makes the group uncomfortable when you talk about us like we're characters in a show you're watching.
Abed Nadir: Well, that's sort of my gimmick. But we did lean on it pretty hard last week. I can lay low for an episode.

[Abed and Troy are playing with the PA system]
Abed Nadir: Announcement number one: All announcements will be cool starting right now.
Troy: Announcement number two: Butt soup.
Abed Nadir: Announcement number three: I am not Hadji from "Jonny Quest", Jeff Winger.
Troy: On security news, you guys gotta start locking the dean's door, so guys like us don't get in.


"Community: English as a Second Language (#1.24)" (2010)
Jeff Winger: [Jeff has told everyone to close their eyes so Annie's "Disney face" won't make them feel sorry for her] Abed! Closed!
Abed Nadir: It's ok. I can only relate to people through...
Abed Nadir: [Looks at Annie, seems to be faltering] ... movies.
Jeff Winger: She's the Ark of the Covenant!
Abed Nadir: Ah!
Abed Nadir: [Covers eyes]

Jeff Winger: Nobody even think about going after her. That's what she wants, more personal drama so we fail the exam and stay in Spanish forever. We have to beat her. Don't text her, don't call her, don't mention her. We do not need her to study.
[opens his Spanish book and stares at a page]
Jeff Winger: Does anybody know how to study?
Abed Nadir: Annie usually...
Jeff Winger: Whose side are you on?


"Community: G.I. Jeff (#5.11)" (2014)
Jeff Winger: You guys are my friends in real life. This is my imagination or something.
Dean Pelton: Freeze, everybody! Don't make me zap you!
Jeff Winger: Craig, it's me. Jeff.
Dean Pelton: Oh, Jeffrey! Are you okay?
Abed Nadir: No, he's not. Take it from an expert in delusion: If Jeff is hallucinating something this cool, something's wrong. He needs to get back.


"Community: Intro to Felt Surrogacy (#4.9)" (2013)
[the group members are sharing their secrets]
Jeff Winger: I found the perfect girl for me, and then I met her kid.
[the characters break out in song]
Jeff Winger: I said it didn't bother me, but truthfully it did. I promised him I'd make it to a baseball game he had. But I bailed and never called again, and now I'm just exactly like my dad.
Britta Perry: I am an activist, that's always been my choice. Truth is I've never voted, except when I watch The Voice.
Annie Edison: I was struggling in history, I'm normally the best. I let Cornwallis rub my feet to give me all the answers to a test.
Troy Barnes: I caused the Greendale Fire of '03. Fifty-five acres went up in a blaze, all because I burned an ant hill.
Jeff Winger, Britta Perry, Annie Edison, Troy Barnes, Abed Nadir, Shirley Bennett: This secret inside me was trapped beyond a doubt. And now my most terrible secret's out.
Balloon Guide: [in a normal voice] There you are. Come on, guys.
Pierce Hawthorne: [singing] I've never slept with the great Eartha Kitt. We dry-humped inside of her tour bus.
Jeff Winger, Britta Perry, Annie Edison, Troy Barnes, Abed Nadir, Shirley Bennett, Pierce Hawthorne: This secret inside me was trapped beyond a doubt.
Jeff Winger: And now my most terrible secret's out.


"Community: Herstory of Dance (#4.8)" (2013)
Annie Edison: So, Abed, I was thinking about what you said abou showing growth, and I was thinking maybe one way to do that is to meet new people and...
Abed Nadir: Where's this going?
Annie Edison: Can I set you up with a date for the Sadie Hawkins Day dance?
Abed Nadir: Blind date. I've always thought of myself as more of an acquired taste, but okay.
Shirley Bennett: Oh, if you're open to meeting someone, there's a number of eligible young ladies in my church.
Annie Edison: Shirley, I'm already finding a date for Abed. I asked first.
Shirley Bennett: There's no reason we can't both help Abed find someone. Why don't we each pick a girl and let Abed decide, instead of making it a competition?
Abed Nadir: That's exactly a competition.


"Community: Conventions of Space and Time (#4.3)" (2013)
Britta Perry: Hi, Abed! Just here for my breakfast date with Troy.
Troy Barnes: Good morning, Britta. I haven't seen you for over 12 hours!
Britta Perry: Yeah.
Abed Nadir: I know you two are having sex. I've known for weeks.
Britta Perry: What? Why didn't you say something?
Abed Nadir: I love doughnuts.
[takes the doughnut bag from Britta]


"Community: Basic Story (#5.12)" (2014)
Dean Pelton: Save Greendale Commity, unite!
Abed Nadir: Boom.


"Community: Basic Sandwich (#5.13)" (2014)
Abed Nadir: There are three things you need to know: Dennis Hopper is dead, tv shows don't make time for their theme songs anymore, and Woody Allen voiced a cartoon ant.


"Community: Politics of Human Sexuality (#1.11)" (2009)
Abed Nadir: [Over the intercom] Attention Greendale students: Don't use the condoms! If you're going to have sex tonight, don't use condoms!


"Community: Intro to Political Science (#2.17)" (2011)
[Agent Keenlan inspects Abed's backpack]
Special Agent Glenn Keenlan: He's clean. Although I should probably warn you about this bootleg copy of "The Last Airbender".
Abed Nadir: Where were you a week ago?


"Community: A Fistful of Paintballs (#2.23)" (2011)
Abed Nadir: Jeff wants to see you.
Annie Edison: Yeah? And I want pants. A lot of people want a lot of things.


"Community: Home Economics (#1.8)" (2009)
Shirley Bennett: Jeff, do you need a place to stay?
Troy Barnes: I'd offer, but my dad's kind of racist.
Abed Nadir: You could stay with me in the dorms. My room has a bunk bed, which is kind of a misnomer, because it's the real deal.
Jeff Winger: The next person that offers me charity or pity will be mentioned by name in my suicide note.


"Community: Applied Anthropology and Culinary Arts (#2.22)" (2011)
Troy Barnes: Professor Duncan, you are such a great teacher when you're drinking.
Professor Duncan: Thank you, Daryl.
Abed Nadir: It's Troy.
Troy Barnes: Hey, if the man wants to give "Daryl" an A, let him do it.


"Community: Emotional Consequences of Broadcast Television (#6.13)" (2015)
Abed Nadir: Yes, yes, yes.
Abed Nadir: There is skill to it.
Abed Nadir: More importantly, it has to be joyful, effortless, fun.
Abed Nadir: TV defeats it's own purpose when it's pushing an agenda, or trying to defeat other TV or being proud or ashamed of itself for existing.
Abed Nadir: It's TV, it's comfort.
Abed Nadir: It's a friend you've known so well, and for so long you just let it be with you and it needs to be okay for it to have a bad day or phone in a day.
Abed Nadir: And it needs to be okay for it to get on a boat with Levar Burton and never come back.
Abed Nadir: Because eventually, it all will.


"Community: Studies in Modern Movement (#3.7)" (2011)
Troy Barnes: There are a couple of things we're hoping you'll help us with.
Abed Nadir: Yes. Like where does the water go in the iron?
Troy Barnes: And what's the iron for?
Abed Nadir: And what gets out Kool-Aid stains?
Troy Barnes: We already know the opposite color Kool-Aid doesn't work.


"Community: For a Few Paintballs More (#2.24)" (2011)
[Two City College storm troopers come upon a poster on a door]
Storm Trooper #1: [reading mockingly] Welcome to Greendale. You're already accepted.
Storm Trooper #2: Losers!
[the storm troopers are shot through the poster]
Storm Trooper #2: What the hell?
[the door opens to reveal Annie, Abed, and Shirley]
Annie Edison: Welcome to Greendale.
Abed Nadir: You're already dead.


"Community: Basic Lupine Urology (#3.17)" (2012)
Star-Burns: You have nothing on me! And I don't have to stay here, 'cause you're not cops!
Shirley Bennett: He's right. You're not cops.
Abed Nadir: I'd say our hands are tied, but we basically have no hands.


"Community: VCR Maintenance and Educational Publishing (#5.9)" (2014)
Abed Nadir: Rachel and I have been dating for the *equivalent* of a year.
Annie Edison: Oh, really? 'Cause I feel like I've been hearing about that for two years. You can't just microwave a relationship like it's a bean burrito!
Abed Nadir: Annie...
Annie Edison: [interrupting] I ain't livin' with your month-long girlfriend, brah.
Abed Nadir: Well, I ain't livin' with your wack-ass, don't-know-whether-to-keep-cutting-carrots-or-ask-if-he-can-take-a-poop brother!


"Community: Intermediate Documentary Filmmaking (#2.16)" (2011)
Jeff Winger: Don't you dare to intercut with footage of me freaking out!
[Cut to footage of Jeff freaking out]
Abed Nadir: There is footage of you freaking out?


"Community: Paranormal Parentage (#4.2)" (2013)
Abed Nadir: I remember when this show was about community college.


"Community: Repilot (#5.1)" (2014)
Annie Edison: Chang was faking his Changnesia?
Troy Barnes: They seriously rehired a teacher they fired for trying to burn down the school?
Shirley Bennett: After being rehired as a security guard after being fired for impersonating a teacher?
Abed Nadir: That's insane, and I'm Abed.


"Community: Basic Rocket Science (#2.4)" (2010)
[the study group approaches in a slow motion group march]
Jeff Winger: Do we have to keep walking in slow mo?
Abed Nadir: Twenty more yards.
Pierce Hawthorne: You guys are walking in slow mo?


"Community: Geothermal Escapism (#5.5)" (2014)
Troy Barnes, Abed Nadir: Troy and Abed in a bubble!


"Community: Alternative History of the German Invasion (#4.4)" (2013)
Reinhold: Don't worry. If there is one thing Germans don't do, it's hold a grudge.
Abed Nadir: Unless we're talking about Die Hard 3.
Jeff Winger: Or the 20th century.