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: A *laser*. Well, this isn't going to be your mother's sexually transmitted disease awareness fair.
: Isn't it great? Greendale is the latest campus to catch a case of *public health fever*. Britta Perry
: You know the toilets in the women's bathrooms don't have seats, right? Dean Pelton
: Because they keep getting stolen. Sabrina, take a note. I want hidden cameras in every stall. Britta Perry
: Problem solved.
: I had no idea alcohol would make people horny. Makes me sleepy.
: Mr Guzman, Luis, and can I just say, I loved you in... in... IMDb.
: Cut! Cut! Lose the bald cap! Jeff Winger
: What? Dean Pelton
: I don't like it. It's hokey. It's fake. Take it off.
: This isn't Hollywood, Pierce. If it was, these glasses would be tinted and I'd be friends with Stevie Nicks.
: Troy, did you know that Greendale has a football team? Jeff Winger
: Did you know they had a football?
: [blackmailing Jeff
] Oh! Goodness. Look what we've stumbled on to, an opportunity to help each other out. I suppose I wouldn't need this promotional campaign if I could announce to the press that Troy Barnes is playing football here. Jeff Winger
: I think he's been pretty clear about declining that offer. Dean Pelton
: I think if you said "Jump", he'd say "How high?". If you said "Stomp", "he'd say "Hammer time!".
: I think if we add in a little Phylicia Rashad, we'll be in better shape. Dean Pelton
: Yeah, you're right. That beige is a little light. Jeff Winger
: Um... Wow. Dean Pelton
: Yeah. Yeah. We are developing the perfect mascot. No stereotypical identifiers from any race or gender. Pierce Hawthorne
: You see, Jeff, this is a chart of the features we're staying away from: Pan-Asian eye folds, uh, Irish chins, women's breasts. Jeff Winger
: Is that Seal? Dean Pelton
: Oh, that is our human color wheel. It goes from Seal to Seal's teeth. Pierce Hawthorne
: What do you think? Jeff Winger
: I think not being racist is the new racism.
: My name is Jeff Winger. I recently became a four. Funny thing is, when I was a two, I didn't actually have any less. But I did have a lot of crazy friends! "Hey, my name's Tommy Talouca. I'm from hallway C. I'm a two! I got to get to the cafeteria before they run out of apples!" What is it with two and apples? You're given three kinds of fruit. Mix it up! And then you become a four, and you get that, uh, that four walk. You know what I'm talking about, it's like this...
[does a funny walk
] Jeff Winger
: It's like one of these. And they get a trail of twos behind them, and they're, like, "Hey, is there an apple up there?" Oh *beep*... Wow, what else is going on? Dean Pelton
: He's killing it. Jeff Winger
: There came a time I has to aks myself, did I even want to be a three? Or did I just hate myself for being a two? I don't know. All I know is I sure love them apples!
: Now Jeffery I beg you not to take this risk. You know what they say. Fives have lives, Fours have chores, Threes have fleas, Twos have blues and Ones don't get a rhyme because they're garbage.
: You know what they say. Fives have lives, fours have chores, threes have fleas, twos have blues, and ones don't get a rhyme because they're garbage.
: This is the second glee club we've lost in two years. Now they may have to cancel the Christmas pageant. And to think they were this close to regionals. Pierce Hawthorne
: What the hell are regionals? Dean Pelton
: They're this close, Pierce!
: What did he just say? Did Mr. Radison kill the glee club? Dean Pelton
: And to think I trusted him enough to let him ride on a magic carpet in my dreams.
[Britta comes out on stage singing poorly
] Dean Pelton
: Oh. Britta's in this?
: I can't believe I made it through my first year of college. I finally get to click send on so many I-told-you-so e-mails. Jeff Winger
: Yeah, it's pretty great. Not much could ruin today. Dean Pelton
: [jumps out of the bushes
] HI! Jeff Winger
: Oh no, shoot. I forgot saying that summons him.
: More importantly, our very own Britta Perry, it turns out, has been nominated for transfer queen. Shirley Bennett
: Oh, that's nice! Britta Perry
: What the hell is a transfer queen? Annie Edison
: Like prom queen. You wear a sash, and there's a vote. If you win they put a crown on your head. And I am so jealous that I wanna murder you. Aren't you excited? Britta Perry
: No. How did I get nominated? Shirley Bennett
: Don't let it upset you, Britta. It's the last day of the semester. Nothing can ruin that. Dean Pelton
: [popping up in the room
] HI! Jeff Winger
: Amazing. He's like an evil genie.
: Just spreading the news. Some folks say "transfer formal" isn't really rolling off the tongue, so we're just gonna call it the "tranny dance"! Jeff Winger
: Much more Greendale.
: What is your platform... Magnitude? Magnitude
: Pop pop!
[the crowd laughs
] Dean Pelton
: Same question. Magnitude
: Same answer: Pop pop!
: Pierce, what's your platform? Pierce Hawthorne
: My platform is one tall enough to push Vicki off of to her death.
[Vicki looks at Pierce in disgust and runs away
] Dean Pelton
: Vicki? Well, it appears Vicki has dropped out of the race. Pierce Hawthorne
: Then, so do I. I only entered this to get back at Vicki for not lending me a pencil.
: [Speaking to Annie
] You want to make trouble? Go to Parker Brothers.
: [Speaking to Annie after he tells her she's suspended
] Don't tell me what I can't do. What do you think you are, Cosmo's July quiz?
: Three and a half years ago, when I came to Greendale, I met six very important people. Dean Pelton
: Ooh, burn on Britta. Jeff Winger
: Sorry, seven. And meeting these people changed my life. Yep. I'm sorry. I don't know what to say.
[the other group members just laugh
] Troy Barnes
: Yeah, okay. Abed Nadir
: Whatever. Jeff Winger
: I'm so used to being the guy who can talk his way out of anything, but what do you say when you don't want a way out? What you have all done for me is indescribable. It's unbelievable. And my love for you is immeasurable, even when you split it seven ways.
: So, what's next for Jeffrey Winger? Jeff Winger
: I'm thinking I might look into some small local firms. I'm gonna use my big mouth to help the little guy. Shirley Bennett
, Annie Edison
: Aww. Jeff Winger
: Plus, if I stay in town, I can pop by any time I want. You know, just to settle group arguments about who misses me the most.
[both Britta and Abed point to themselves
] Jeff Winger
: What do you think?
[everyone raise their glasses
] Abed Nadir
: To Jeff. Shirley Bennett
: To Jeffrey.
: You guys are my friends in real life. This is my imagination or something. Dean Pelton
: Freeze, everybody! Don't make me zap you! Jeff Winger
: Craig, it's me. Jeff. Dean Pelton
: Oh, Jeffrey! Are you okay? Abed Nadir
: No, he's not. Take it from an expert in delusion: If Jeff is hallucinating something this cool, something's wrong. He needs to get back.
: Oh, look! It is my favourite study group. They all really typify the diversity we have here at Greendale. A ruggedly handsome leading man. A mom, an activist, a perfect student, a lifelong learner, a sidekick, and... Abed.
Vice Dean Laybourne
: You could have lived the rest your life in blissful ignorance and died a happy pansexual imp, but you wanted to feel power this year. Well, now you're going to my feel my power as it surges downward from me straight through you from nostril to rectum now until the end of time... and that's... wassup. Dean Pelton
: I forgot everything you said before "rectum!"
: Agnes, cancel all my appointments. Agnes
: What appointments? Dean Pelton
: ...Wishful thinking.
: Save Greendale Commity, unite! Abed Nadir
: You keep a list of everyone based on how good-looking they are? Dean Pelton
: Yes, we do... number two. Professor Michelle Slater
: Dean Pelton? Dean Pelton
: Yes, Professor Seven... uh, Professor Slater?
: [after Jeff shoots his office
] You get it all out of your system? Jeff Winger
[Pulls a paintgun from behind his back and shoots Pelton in the forehead
] Dean Pelton
: What do you want from me, Jeffrey? Jeff Winger
: [Looking into the library
] What the hell did you people do in there! Abed Nadir
: Something you and your puppies could only dream of, you non-miraculous son of a bitch.
: I don't know who told you pouting was an option for you, but all you're making me feel right now is hatred of Renee Zellweger.
[During the final battle, the Dean interrupts with a whistle
] Dean Pelton
: Well, that's it! I just heard from the Guinness rep he's not coming! He's been fired in what he's described as the world's biggest mistake. I doubt that will make the next edition. Anyway, it's over! What a colossal waste of two and a half days!
: [checking someone's temperature
] A hundred and two. This may be food poisoning. Dean Pelton
: Rich. What did I tell you? Rich
: To rule out food poisoning. Dean Pelton
: Yes, that's true. But especially don't say it out loud.
[Star-Burns visits the quarantine area dressed as a pirate
: Who wants to walk my plank, huh?
[Pierce grabs his arm and bites him. Everyone screams
: Okay, I'm ruling out food poisoning.
: We just took down a professional paintball warrior. Dean Pelton
: What? That is absurd! Why would someone who's paid to do things be at Greendale?
: Mister Winger, what is the intention here? Jeff Winger
: Simple. When Todd smashed our yam, he stole an A from us. We want it back. Colonel Archwood
: You mean if he smashed the yam. All you have is the word of this Mister Star-Burns, who offers up no explanation as to why he was on the scene. Dean Pelton
: How about it, Jeffrey? What was Star-Burns doing there? Jeff Winger
: We agreed to withold that information as part of a pinky swear with the witness. Colonel Archwood
: Pinky swear. This is ludicrous. This whole school is ludicrous. Who honors the pinky swear of a degenerate over the word of a decorated soldier? Dean Pelton
: I'm inclined to agree with the man in uniform. Jeff Winger
: Shocker. Dean Pelton
: Jeffrey, tell us what Star-Burns was doing in that classroom, or your group can take an F. Professor Marshall Kane
: Hold on, hold on, hold on. I grade my students. Now what Star-Burns was doing is irrelevant. What matters is what he saw. I'm upholding the pinky swear. Colonel Archwood
: What? Professor Marshall Kane
: Hey, man. You spent your life in the Army. I spent mine in prison. Two places where a man's word is only as good as his uniform. Now, out here it's supposed to be different, and my classroom will be. You two can plead your case to the class, and let them decide your grades. Jeff Winger
: Professor, thank you. Professor Marshall Kane
: It's not a favor, Mister Winger. A man's gotta have a code.
: [writing a new rap song
] Don't step, don't step to me. I like coffee and water, don't step to me. Dean Pelton
: Oh, dammit! I lost it. I lost it!
: Frankly, my dear, I don't give a Dean!
: Nobody can sit on something this big. Dean Pelton
: Iiiiiii'll sit on it.
: Where are you hooligans? Bring my spaceship back!
[Troy consults the navigation chart
] Troy Barnes
: Uh, we appear to be forty light years outside of the Buttermilk Nebula. Although, I think that...
[picks at the screen and peels it
] Troy Barnes
: Yeah, it's a sticker.