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Quotes for
Joxer (Character)
from "Xena: Warrior Princess" (1995)

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"Xena: Warrior Princess: Been There, Done That (#3.2)" (1997)
Joxer: [repeated lines and actions throughout episode]
[Joxer opens barn door]
Joxer: Rise and shine everyone!
[comes in barn]
Joxer: Rise and shine!
Gabrielle: [Gabrielle emerges from a stack of hay] I'll rise, but I refuse to shine!
Joxer: Well, I got us breakfast.
[Joxer takes an egg from his helmet he's holding]
Joxer: Goose eggs!

Gabrielle: Xena, it just doesn't make sense. Who do you think?
Xena: It's not the Fates; it's not Ares; it's not something that I ate. No, I have no poison dart marks. I have no Bacchae bites.
[Shows her neck]
Joxer: Is that a hickey?
[Both Xena and Gabrielle look away slightly embarrassed]

Joxer: You know the enemy of my enemy is often considered my friend.
Xena: [exasperated] Joxer...
[pauses and looks at Lycos and Menos]
Xena: Go ahead.
Joxer: [surprised] Really?
Xena: Go ahead.
Joxer: Yeah but you don't eve... I knew this would happen someday, you and me on the same wavelength, two great minds, one thought.
Gabrielle: Only half a wit.

Joxer: Oh! Oh! I know! I know! Wait a minute. What if none if this is really happening, and like we're all in somebody else's head, and they're making us up?

Gabrielle: [Xena hums the funeral song as Joxer's body burns on a floating pyre in the river. Gabrielle looks at Xena] Xena, I shouldn't have sent him after those goose eggs...
Xena: [quietly] Gabrielle, Joxer died a hero, just like he always wanted.
[pause]
Xena: There's no blame here!
[Gabrielle starts to cry as Xena holds her]
Xena: Hey, come here. Maybe we should get some rest, hmm?
Gabrielle: [cries] No, I don't think I can...
Xena: Yeah, sure you can. Come on.
[pause]
Xena: Sleep now. It'll hurt less in the morning...
Joxer: [Morning; the rooster crows again and Xena wakes up, finding herself and Gabrielle in the same barn as the morning before. Joxer comes in the barn] Rise and shine, everyone!
[pause]
Joxer: Rise and shine!
[Xena just stares at him, completely shocked]

Xena: Joxer. Joxer? You should be dead!
Joxer: True! A man like me should have died a thousand times, if not for my prodigious skill and nerves of steel! Yeah.
Xena: COME HERE, YOU!
[Xena happily grabs Joxer's head and gives him a noogie]
Joxer: Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Xena: [to herself while Joxer listens] Every day, the rooster crows, Joxer walks in, the horseshoe falls, I save the old man, stop a duel and then the whole thing starts all over again...
Joxer: Maybe it's the rooster.
[Xena suddenly jerks her head up]
Joxer: [Sundown; the rooster clucks. Xena throws her chakramn at the rooster and its feathers fly everywhere]

Xena: Gabrielle, did you know that Joxer simply adores you?
Joxer: Could I speak to you privately?
Xena: He would crawl 50 miles on broken glass, just to sweat in your shadow.


"Xena: Warrior Princess: Looking Death in the Eye (#5.19)" (2000)
Joxer: [about his name] That's spelled with an X... The X is for 'extra super sexy'.

Ramius: This isn't just any scroll...
[pause]
Ramius: No, my friends, I have in my hand, the last known scroll transcribed by the Bard of Poteidaia herself!
[Joxer suddenly turns around to Ramius; viewers see that he's now an old man]
Ramius: It describes, in breathtaking detail, the final adventure of Xena, the legendary Warrior Princess, who dared to defy the Gods!
Joxer: [Joxer takes the scroll and observes it] Let's see!
[he keeps reading]
Joxer: This is Gabrielle's handwriting. This is real!
Ramius: Ah, sure it is!
Joxer: "Bard of Poteidaia." You know, I - I knew her. You know, she was a friend of mine.
[pause]
Joxer: Xena was my friend too.
Inebriated Patron: [laughs] Xena was my housemaid!
Ramius: Well friend, we'd best cut you off. What say I start the bidding at...
Inebriated Patron: Ten dinars!
Patron #2: Twenty dinars!
Joxer: Cover your tab!
Inebriated Patron: You should talk, Joxer, ya deadbeat! Thirty!
Patron #2: Thirty-five dinar!
Joxer: [Joxer tosses a bag full of change on a table] Sixty-five dinars!
[pause]
Joxer: SOLD!
[Joxer takes the scroll and leaves the tavern]
Ramius: [shocked] Sixty-five dinars?

Theon: [Old Joxer sits inside his barn with a scroll. His young son and daughter come running in] Is that a story about the harpies, Daddy?
Kara: What is it? What is it?
Joxer: No. It's, uh, it's, um, well, it's a story about a beautiful warrior princess.
[looks at his kids]
Joxer: Wanna hear a story about a beautiful warrior princess?
[his kids gather around and nod eagerly]
Joxer: Okay. Okay...
[Joxer clears his throat and then reads the scroll]
Joxer: "Her, uh, her celebrations at Thebes in Egypt were cut short because Xena, the mighty warrior princess, fought both night and day for the life of her newborn child as she continued to sing the rage of her Olympian foes.
[pause]
Joxer: Their ceaseless battles finally drove her to the Fates in search of answers...

Joxer: [Old Joxer continues to read Gabrielle's scroll that revealed Xena's and Gabrielle's fight with Athena and Hades] "After narrowly escaping with our lives, we took shelter for the night in the company of Octavius, the new leader of the Roman army and a new ally unknown to the Gods."

Kara: [Old Joxer is finished reading Gabrielle's scroll to his kids] What happened, Daddy?
Joxer: Uh, well it's the end of the scroll, Pumpkin, but it's not the end of the story.
Theon: How do you know?
Joxer: Because I was there...
Xena: [Flashback to younger Joxer as he watches Xena and Gabrielle from the woods; they are seen running away towards a beach on carriage with horses. Presumably, the baby Eve is inside the wagon. Athena's archers line up and fire at the wagon. Xena ducks the arrows as Athena appears. Xena rides the wagon through the archers; they retreat. Xena rides the wagon to the cliff, which looks down over the beach and the ocean. She turns and rides along the edge of the cliff] Come on!
[Athena's archers are shown lining up near the cliff prepared to fire]
Xena: Gabrielle!
[Gabrielle throws her sais and kills two of Athena's archers. The rest of the archers regroup and form a line in front of the wagon]
Xena: Whoa!
[as the remaining archer's fire, Xena stops the wagon and throws her chakram, knocking out the archers. Athena draws her sword and raises it over her head. It forms a fireball which hits the wagon and detaches the horses from the wagon]
Xena: GABRIELLE!
[Gabrielle is seemingly struck by Athena's fireball and falls backward on the wagon]
Athena: It ends now!
Xena: Gabrielle!
[Athena raises her sword, Hephaestus lifts his hammer and Hades is shown raising his hand. Athena throws her sword, Hephaestus throws his hammer and Hades shoots a green bolt; their powers hit the wagon and seemingly annihilates it, sending the wreckage off the ocean cliff and throwing Xena and Gabrielle out on the sand. Xena rises up from the crash and examines the seemingly dead Gabrielle]
Xena: Gabrielle?
[Gabrielle appears to be dead. Xena walks over to the wagon for baby Eve but the wagon is engulfed in flames]
Xena: Eve? Eve? Eve?
[Xena starts to sob]
Xena: EVE? Oh!
Athena: [Athena examines the crash] The prophecy has been shattered.
Xena: [screams] NO!
Joxer: [Joxer watches Xena from the woods] Oh, no...
Xena: [Xena moves to the presumed dead Gabrielle] Gabrielle? Gabrielle? Oh Gabrielle!
[Xena rolls Gabrielle over and holds her. She starts to cry]
Joxer: Oh, Gods!
Xena: [Xena sobs and stands as she faces the Gods] Each to his own.
[Xena unshields her sword and places it at her chest]
Xena: YOU TO YOURS AND ME TO MINE!
Ares, God of War: [as Xena tries to stab herself, Ares appears and takes her sword away from her] No, Xena! Don't...
[Xena takes out a tiny bottle and drinks what it appears to be poison]
Xena: Ares... you can't stop me this time.
Ares, God of War: No...
Xena: It's over. It's over.
[pause]
Xena: Join your family. Tell them it's a package deal. They get me, too!
[Xena looks as she's dead as Ares holds her lifeless body]

Joxer: Ares took them away just before you got here.

Joxer: [as young Joxer falls to his knees to the wreckage, Octavius rides in with Romans] Unbelievable.
Octavius: Where are they? Joxer, good to see you again. Where's Xena and Gabrielle?
Joxer: Octavius, they're gone. I saw the whole thing but I was too far away. I couldn't help them...
Octavius: Joxer, they're *not* dead!
Joxer: [shocked] What? What?
[Octavius motions with his hand and a soldier comes over with baby Eve; she's alive and did not die in the crash. Octavius takes her and holds her in front of Joxer]
Joxer: Eve. It can't be. Eve?
Theon: [Old Joxer is then seen again in front of his children] Dad, how was Eve alive?
Joxer: Okay, okay. Remember back. What did the Fates tell Xena?
Kara: That she had to die to save Eve?
Joxer: That's right. But remember, you can't take what the Fates say literally. They said, "Only..."
Clotho: [in a flashback with Xena talking to the Fates] Only in the essence of death will the child find salvation and the Twilight be set in motion.
Joxer: You see, Xena never intended to kill Death at all. It was Celesta's tears she really needed. The essence of Death... The only thing Xena realized that could simulate the appearance of their deaths to the gods, but only after convincing the gods that Eve had also been killed.
Theon: But, Eve was in...
Joxer: Eve was in the wagon.
Joxer: [flashback to younger Joxer with Octavius] Eve was in that cart.
Octavius: No, Joxer.
Joxer: [flashback with Octavius leaving with Eve. Xena places a false Eve in the basket] Eve was safe. The tears were collected. Next, release Celesta without it looking suspicious. Gabrielle got captured on purpose. Trying to rescue me made her capture look like it was unplanned. Gabrielle revealed Xena's location. The rest of the plan played out. The gods assumed Xena and her child were inseparable. My guess, my hope, was that Gabrielle drank the tears first. From that point, all they had to do was put on a convincing show. To the gods, Gabrielle was killed in the crash; Eve was dead- consumed in the burning wreckage. And even if they weren't completely convinced, what better way to solve that problem than by Xena taking her own life? The effect of the tears would soon wear off with Xena, Eve, and Gabrielle presumed dead by all of Olympus, the perfect cover. The perfect advantage.


"Xena: Warrior Princess: Eternal Bonds (#5.13)" (2000)
Joxer: Why didn't you love me, Gabrielle?
Gabrielle: I do love you. It's just not the way that you want it, I guess. I wish I did.

Joxer: Why is everybody telling me to think? I think, I just don't show it.

Gabrielle: It's just hard knowing that the people the I love are in danger and I'm not there.
Joxer: You're talking about Xena, right? I'm sure she can handle herself.
Gabrielle: It doesn't mean I don't want to be there so I can jump in and help out or something.
Joxer: I know the feeling.
Gabrielle: I can be a real bitch sometimes, huh? Can't I?

Joxer: Us. How come there was never an us, Gabrielle?
Gabrielle: Why- why do people love the people that they do? I don't know.
Joxer: I know why. Because you made me feel special.
Gabrielle: You are special.
Joxer: Not special enough.
Gabrielle: You're special enough to see me through the worst times in my life. Enough that I've come to rely on you as a very good friend.
Joxer: Why didn't you love me, Gabrielle?
Gabrielle: I do love you. It's just not the way that you wanted, I guess. I wish I did.

Gabrielle: Joxer, when you were ill, I said, um...
Joxer: I know what you said. You said that you love me, but only as a friend, right?
Gabrielle: I do mean that. I'm- I...
Joxer: I know you do. I know you do. Look, Gabrielle, I will always love you more than that. That's just something I have to live with. That's all.


"Xena: Warrior Princess: The King of Assassins (#3.8)" (1997)
Jett (Joxer's evil twin): Don't let anyone tell you who you are.

Joxer: I've seen evil and I've changed my ways.
Jett (Joxer's evil twin): Bro, if you saw evil, you'd have to change your PANTS.

Joxer: There's a lot we can learn from each other, you know.
Autolycus: Sure. Hey, why don't you start by teaching me how to disappear without a trace?
Joxer: Okay! First, you...
[offended]
Joxer: Hey!
Autolycus: [to Gabrielle] Why is he here?
Gabrielle: He knows Jett.
Autolycus: No, in a grander sense - why is he here?


"Xena: Warrior Princess: Chakram (#5.2)" (1999)
Joxer: I can't have you dying again and not have you know.
Gabrielle: Know what?
Joxer: Oh. Brother, I had this all worked out in my head and now...
Gabrielle: Please, will you hurry? Please.
Joxer: I love you. I'm in love with you.

Joxer: Xena, you know how I feel about Gabrielle?
Xena: Sure, you love her.
Joxer: Right. Um, and um, I was kinda hoping that since you guys are such good friends and all, maybe you could give me some tips.
Xena: Tips?
Joxer: Yeah, you know, recommendations on how I can tell her. I was thinking maybe I could try the down on my knee approach. Or maybe flowers and gifts. Or I could just club her over the head! Do you see my problem?
Xena: Yeah, your expectations.
Joxer: Huh?
Xena: See, right now it's all about getting a response from her. If you love her, why don't you just tell her? Don't attach any strings to it. Make it unconditional.
Joxer: Yeah, but what about if I tell her that and she says, "Joxer, what are you thinking?"
Xena: Joxer, no strings, all right?
Joxer: No strings. Got it.
Xena: Course, you could just kiss the girl.

Joxer: I just wanted to let you know.


"Xena: Warrior Princess: The Play's the Thing (#4.17)" (1999)
Gabrielle: What's this? It's... it's blood. You have a head on your stick. These are your changes? Blood? Sex?
Joxer: Uh, and a hot tub. I got the guys workin' on it in the back. I thought to myself, 'Joxer, what is it that you like?' And I figured, 'That's what the public wants.'
Gabrielle: Artists aren't supposed to care what the public wants. We're not doing this for money.

Gabrielle: What am I doing? All this sex, blood, violence? Have I gone crazy?
Joxer: Gabrielle! We just sold out the first night!
Gabrielle: Crazy like a fox! I want more blood! Let's make it gushing!


"Xena: Warrior Princess: The Quill Is Mightier... (#3.10)" (1998)
Joxer: "Gabrielle awoke with a jerk." Gabrielle awoke with a jerk, that's a funny phrase.

[Xena has been fishing and Joxer smells the fish]
Joxer: Wait. Did I smell something?
Aphrodite: Lay off of me, turkey!
Joxer: No. Oh, it's fish!
Aphrodite: I'm new to this mortal hygiene thing!


"Xena: Warrior Princess: Animal Attraction (#5.4)" (1999)
Joxer: [to Amarice] What do you know about guys? You're an Amazon! All you know is shopping for bows and arrows and emasculation!
Amarice: I know you don't have to live with pigs to recognize one!
Joxer: You know? I'm so glad all women aren't like you!
Amarice: All the women I know are. We don't need a man to get along. In fact as far as they're concerned you guys are totally dispensable!


"Xena: Warrior Princess: Girls Just Wanna Have Fun (#2.4)" (1996)
Xena: Find a way to make him presentable, and then we'll leave.
Joxer: Wait a minute. What did she mean, make you presentable?
Orpheus: She doesn't want me to look like you


"Xena: Warrior Princess: The Bitter Suite (#3.12)" (1998)
Joxer: Joxer the Mighty, Master of geography. Here to guide you on your way. Stick with me-you'll never stray. If you're in a land that's new, I'm the man who'll get you through, Even if you're slightly nude. I'm Joxer, Joxer the Mighty!


"Xena: Warrior Princess: Punch Lines (#5.11)" (2000)
[last lines]
Xena: You know, I gotta tell ya, I am feeling a whole lot better. I mean, life's pretty sweet for me right now. I've got no cooking, no cleaning, and back rubs for a month.
Gabrielle: Technically, you didn't lose your temper, but Xena, I saw you throwing pies in a less than loving manner.
Joxer: *Much* less.
Xena: Oh?
Joxer: Uh, uh, loving.
Xena: Yep, loving. That's me.
[pie hits her in the face]
Xena: Who threw that pie?


"Xena: Warrior Princess: Warrior... Priestess... Tramp (#3.9)" (1998)
Bordello Girls: Joxer the Mighty, Master of virility. Every woman wants him, He's so sexy it's a sin. If you want a special tryst, He's the man you can't resist. By every measure he's a prize.
Joxer: Just check out my shoe size! Ha-ha!
Bordello Girls: Joxer the Mighty, Captain of debauchery. Never seems to get enough Of our tantalizing stuff. If you need some company, With Joxer there's a guarantee.
Joxer: Of the highest potency!
Bordello Girl #2: Heck, I'd even work for free!
Leah: Take your filthy hands off me!
Bordello Girls: He's Joxer- Joxer the Mighty!


"Xena: Warrior Princess: Soul Possession (#6.20)" (2001)
Joxer: You know, Xena... Denial ain't just a river in Europe.
Xena: The Nile's in Africa.
Joxer: It's that long?


"Xena: Warrior Princess: Forget Me Not (#3.17)" (1998)
Gabrielle: I'm in love with you?
Joxer: Yes. Yes, you are.
Gabrielle: I think I knew that.


"Xena: Warrior Princess: A Family Affair (#4.3)" (1998)
Joxer: [to Lila] Any sister of Gabrielle's is like a member of the family.


"Xena: Warrior Princess: When Fates Collide (#6.18)" (2001)
Xena: [as Empress of Rome in an altered timeline] Leave us.
Joxer: [as a Roman centurion] But Caesar said...
Xena: ...to enrage the Empress until she beats the tar out of you?
Joxer: I must have missed that one.


"Xena: Warrior Princess: Ten Little Warlords (#2.8)" (1996)
Joxer: Who are you supposed to be, a fierce warrior trapped in the body of Gabrielle?