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Quotes for
Irv (Character)
from My Life in Ruins (2009)

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My Life in Ruins (2009)
Irv: I'm Irv Giddeon, and I've come here to see as many ancient ruins as possible.
[looking Barnaby up and down]
Irv: And judging from your husband, the trip is already a success.

Irv: [to the tour group] How many of you, like me, have come here to fondle as many nude statues as possible?

Irv: [to an unimpressed Georgia, about his jokes] Jeez, this is comedy. The Greeks invented it. It's like mustaches on women.

Irv: I have a question.
Georgia: Yeah.
Irv: [referring to Dr. Tullen, who is covered head-to-toe] What's with the beekeeper?
Mr. Tullen: My wife needs protection from the sun!
Irv: But we're not going to the sun.

Irv: [as the group gathers outside of the church] You know, my wife and I have taken tours for 20 years. This one gotta be the worst.
Georgia: Here we go again. Yeah, yeah, I know, yeah, I stink, I wrecked Greece.
Irv: [sadly as he walks past her] It's the worst because my wife is not here. And it's just not the same.
Georgia: Well, you know what? If I were her, I wouldn't be here with you either. I'm sure she's spending her vacation somewhere...
[stops as his face turns down, mortified as she realizes what he meant]
Georgia: I'm so sorry.

Irv: You know, I was a much nicer guy when my wife was alive. She died three years ago. She used to say to me, 'They don't know you're kidding, Irv.' She would say, 'You're not as funny as you think you are.' Just like you.
Georgia: It's nice you had had a good marriage.
Irv: [chuckling] We fought everyday. I took her to Egypt. We fought all day about whether the pyramids were majestic or 'magnificent. It was magic. Twenty-eight years. I woke up every day smiling.
Georgia: [wistful] I could live with that.

Georgia: [on the bus, to her group] I'd like to apologize for my unprofessional attitude this morning. Have you ever had one of those days? Actually, it's been about a year.
[as he raises his hand]
Georgia: Yes, Irv.
Irv: Me too! I would like to apologize to everybody. It was my medication. I take Preparation H, 'cause I'm an asshole.

Georgia: [walking around the ruins] I know every fact and every figure about this place. I mean, I love it here. And they just want to have fun. And I get it, but I don't know how to make this job fun.
Irv: Well if you call it a job, it ain't fun. I mean, look at porn stars. They get to 'schtup' all day. They should be happy. You never hear about a happy porn star.

Irv: Don't you have a boyfriend?
Georgia: I'm on a tour bus like six days a week.
Irv: Well, you gotta get in touch with your wild thing.

Irv: You know how you like to get up in front of everybody and bore us?
Georgia: [dryly] Please go on.
Irv: I have a very exciting idea. Why don't you try entertaining everybody?
Georgia: Irv, how am I gonna do that?
Irv: History has got a lot of dirty stories. Sex sells.

Lena: [to Irv, as he acts as the Oracle] Why did my husbands cheat on?
Irv: It wasn't you he cheated. Some men cheat themselves out of living a life with a woman they love.
Lena: Thank you.

[to Irv, while he acts as the Oracle]
Dr. Tullen: Will my daughter ever stop sulking?
Caitlin: Will my parents ever stop fighting?
Irv: Parents sometimes forget that they're an example.

Irv: I'm not a god. That's just a rumor my mother started.

[to Irv, while he acts as the Oracle]
Kim: We've been talking about starting a family, and, well...
Big Al: Big Al's just gonna come out and say it: I'm scared, man.
Irv: Being a parent is the most rewarding thing ever. And I know you're going to be a great father.