Noah 'Puck' Puckerman
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Quotes for
Noah 'Puck' Puckerman (Character)
from "Glee" (2009)

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"Glee: Preggers (#1.4)" (2009)
Puck: [after enduring a rival footplayer's constant "Yo Mamma" jokes] Hey! I had sex with your mom. No, really... I cleaned your pool, and then had sex with your mom on your bed - nice Star Wars sheets.

Noah Puckerman: Hey ankle grabber! I had sex with your mother. No seriously. I cleaned your pool, and then I had sex with her in your bed. Nice Star Wars sheets.

Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: [Quinn tells him that she is pregnant] Well, call the Vatican! We got ourselves another Immaculate Conception!

Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: [to a member of the opposing football team] Hey, ankle-grabber, I had sex with your mother. No seriously... I cleaned your pool and then I had sex with her in your bed. Nice Star Wars sheets.

Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: So we're taking coaching advice from Lance Bass now?... Oh I get it, we have to think more like Amazonian black women.

"Glee: Mash-Up (#1.8)" (2009)
Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: [to Rachel] Are you questioning my badass-ness?
[rolls back shirt sleeve]
Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: Have you seen my guns?

Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: Are you questioning my badassness?

Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: Rachel was a hot Jew, and the good Lord wanted me to get in her pants.

Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: When I woke up I knew it was more than a dream, it was a message from God. Rachel was a hot Jew and the good Lord wanted me to get into her pants.

Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: Rachel was a hot Jew. And the good lord wanted me to get in her pants.

"Glee: I Am Unicorn (#3.2)" (2011)
Quinn Fabray: You can't be in here. It's the girls' bathroom.
Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: I'm always here. The stalls are cleaner.

Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: Turns out Napoleon? Not just a dessert. He was a real dude.

Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: I. Am. In. Hell.

"Glee: Wheels (#1.9)" (2009)
Quinn Fabray: What's this?
Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: This is all the money leftover from my pool cleaning business. After I bought dip... and nunchucks.

Sandy Ryerson: How bad is the pain?
Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: The doc said the shark fractured my spinal cord
Sandy Ryerson: This is why I don't go to the aquarium. Okay son. I'm going to give you the full amount I can. 20 cents on the dollar
Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: [voiceover] I don't put enough in to give you hallucinations or get you high. Just enough to give you a real case of the munchies.

Will Schuester: You guys are best friends, why are you fighting?
Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: I'm just really stressed about the bake sale.

"Glee: Britney 2.0 (#4.2)" (2012)
Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: [to Jake] You think you're a bad-ass? Nailing a bunch of chicks, beating up some punks in the cafeteria? I'm the original bad-ass! I had my first threesome at 7 and once I beat up a police horse.

Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: [to Jake] I rode my motorcycle, played my ax, I banged every chick in this place twice. And you know what? None of it made me a man. What made me a man was sitting here in this room, singing songs I hated next to the biggest collection of losers you've ever seen.

Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: [to Jake] I gotta get back to L.A. I got a date with the chick who was third runner-up on The Bachelor.

Glee: The 3D Concert Movie (2011)
Puck: I heard that this haircut might make me go a little faster, have a little edge on the competition. And, you know, the ladies like something to grab on to, time and time again.

Puck: I'm working on a new technique to where more women have the ability to get into the Puckerman Zone here. Pretty popular with the moms, so, you know, I clean their pool, give them a discount, help them out. We're working hard.

"Glee: Sexy (#2.15)" (2011)
Will Schuester: Artie, you okay?
Artie Abrams: My life is over. How am I supposed to support a baby? How could you not tell me about this?
Will Schuester: Wait. Brittany, are you pregnant?
Brittany Pierce: Definitely. I am so sorry, Artie. I didn't want to upset you. I thought I could surprise you when it dropped him off. I'm pretty sure it's a boy.
Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: Umm. Babies don't get dropped off.
Will Schuester: Wait. Brittany, have you been to a doctor yet? That's the only way to be sure.
Brittany Pierce: I don't need to go to a doctor. I just need to look outside my window. Three days ago, a stork built its nest on top of my garage. I'm not stupid. It's obviously getting ready to bring me my baby. I know where babies come from.

Santana Lopez: Hey Britt-Britt. So listen. How about you and I pop in some Sweet Valley High this evening and get our cuddle on?
Brittany Pierce: Look. I'd really like to get my sweet lady kisses on, but I haven't been feeling very sexy lately.
Brittany Pierce: I think I have a bun in the oven. Please don't tell anyone, okay? Especially Artie.
Santana Lopez: Yea, sure, your secret is safe with...
[cuts self off]
Santana Lopez: Oh my God, Brittany's pregnant.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Oh my God, Brittany's pregnant!
Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: It was only a matter of time.
Lauren Zizes: For what?
Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: Brittany to get pregnant.
Lauren Zizes: Congratulations!
Artie Abrams: For what?
Lauren Zizes: Oh, you didn't hear? Your girlfriend's preggo! You're gonna be a baby daddy!

"Glee: Funk (#1.21)" (2010)
Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: Revenge. Fear. The merciless infliction of pain. These are my kingdoms. The first time I gave a wedgie to a kid, I was four years old.

"Glee: Showmance (#1.2)" (2009)
Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: Santana Lopez bent over the other day, I swear I could see her ovaries.

"Glee: Laryngitis (#1.18)" (2010)
Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: [lying in the garbage] I'm human garbage. I should just lie here until the truck comes and let it crush me to death. What's the point of living when I suck so bad?
[hears Mercedes sing]
Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: Wait a second... That black chick from Glee Club used to suck, and now she's all kinds of popular. If she can straighten herself out, I certainly can. But how? I'm not becoming a cheerio. Wait... I don't need to be a cheerleader, I just need to date one! Get ready, black girl from Glee Club whose name I can't remember right now... The Puckster's about to make you his.

"Glee: Dream On (#1.19)" (2010)
Will Schuester: Tina has something she wants to share with us, but first I have an announcement to make. You've all been reprieved. Bryan Ryan isn't cutting Glee.
[all the members applauds]
Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: Did he die?

"Glee: The Rhodes Not Taken (#1.5)" (2009)
Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: That Rachel chick makes me wanna light mysely on fire, but she can sing.

"Glee: Vitamin D (#1.6)" (2009)
Finn Hudson: Hey guys, how's it going? God it's a beautiful day. Let's run through the number. I'm ready and excited, are you guys? Stand up. Come on. Let's get this joint jumping.
Artie Abrams: Has your soul been taken over by captivated space aliens?
Finn Hudson: Nope. Just visited the school nurse. Got this great vitamin, and i feel fantastic! I can't wait to do the number. Let's do the number, and then after words we can build a house for habitat for humanity.
Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: What kind of vitamin?
Kurt Hummel: Vitamin C? Vogue magazine says it boasts energy and brightens the complection.
Finn Hudson: Vitamin D, and I got you guys some.

"Glee: Comeback (#2.13)" (2011)
Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: We underestimated the power of the Biebes.

"Glee: The First Time (#3.5)" (2011)
Finn Hudson: I figured, since you have some more... experience than I do, maybe you could recommend a brand of condom?
Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: Are you cheating on Rachel, dude? 'Cause if you are, that is not cool. And that's coming from me.
Finn Hudson: No. I wanna use them with Rachel.
Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: Oh. I'm happy for you, dude. You and her. I always thought it'd be me, but secretly I hoped it'd be you. As for the condoms, no idea, never used them. It's worked out for me about 99 % of the time.

"Glee: Silly Love Songs (#2.12)" (2011)
Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: Maybe it's because she's constantly insulting me like my mom.

"Glee: The Purple Piano Project (#3.1)" (2011)
Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: She was the one that got away... very, very slowly.

"Glee: Hairography (#1.11)" (2009)
Quinn Fabray: What are you doing Friday night?
Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: Just the usual. Stand outside the 7-Eleven and look depressed until someone offers to buy me beer.

"Glee: Born This Way (#2.18)" (2011)
Rachel Berry: Why did you bring me here? Is there a sale at Claire's?
Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: I brought you here to knock some sense into you. You won't listen to me, you won't listen to Finn...
Kurt Hummel: But you will listen to Barbra Streisand. Thanks Puck, I'll take it from here. Nice effort, but only I can lead this Barbravention.
Rachel Berry: Is she here?
Kurt Hummel: No, this is the mall in Ohio.

"Glee: A Night of Neglect (#2.17)" (2011)
Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: I say we blow this thing up into the arcade.
Finn Hudson: No, no! Screw that! These people paid to see us sing. What's that saying, 'the show must go all over the place', or something.
Rachel Berry: You mean 'the show must go on'.
Finn Hudson: Yeah.

"Glee: The Power of Madonna (#1.15)" (2010)
[Will writes the name 'Madonna' on the white board]
Will Schuester: What comes to mind when you see that name?
Rachel Berry: Genius.
Kurt Hummel: Icon.
Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: Hall of fame MILF.

"Glee: Ballad (#1.10)" (2009)
[voice-over thoughts as Rachel and Will start to sing "Endless Love"]
Kurt Hummel: I could totally sing this song with Finn, but screw him if he thinks he's taking the Diana Ross part from me.
Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: I love the days when I don't wear underwear. Full Commando
Finn Hudson: I never noticed how nice Rachel's butt is. Oh, crap, I think Quinn knows I'm staring at it.

"Glee: Grilled Cheesus (#2.3)" (2010)
Finn Hudson: Mr. Shue, I have something to say. Something happened to me, and I can't really get into it, but it's shaking me to my core.
Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: Oh my God, he's coming out.
Finn Hudson: Well, yes, there is a man who's sort of recently come into my life, and that man is Jesus Christ.
[Rachel looks at him with her eyes and mouth wide open]
Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: That's way worse.

"Glee: Hell-O (#1.14)" (2010)
Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: I'm not breaking up with you, I'm just saying please stop supersizing 'cause I don't dig on fat chicks.
Quinn Fabray: I'm pregnant!
Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: And that's my fault?

"Glee: Pilot (#1.1)" (2009)
Puck: What the hell, dude? I can't believe you're helping out this loser!
Finn Hudson: Don't you get it, man? We're all losers! Everyone in this school! Hell, everyone in this town! Out of all the kids who graduate, maybe half will go to college, and two will leave the state to do it! I'm not afraid to be called a loser because I can accept that's what I am.