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: [holding up two pairs of clown shoes
] Okay, gun to your head, which pair should I bring? Mitchell Pritchett
: Gun to my head? I'd say pull the trigger.
: [about Claire's old boyfriend Robbie
] You know, I never like that guy. He'd always put me in a headlock. It's unbelievable the freaks we used to date. Cameron Tucker
: [comes in wearing a jester costume
] Ello, Guv'nor!
: I just think waiting for a prince to make your dreams come true sends the wrong message. Mitchell Pritchett
: And a grown man taking boxers out of his mouth doesn't?
: We need something to pick this party up. Cameron Tucker
: Got it. I'll go bring out the cupcakes and turn up the bubble machine. Mitchell Pritchett
: Or... Cameron Tucker
: Is that a roundabout way of saying that a certain clown is invited to the party? Mitchell Pritchett
: You were right. Every child wants a clown for a dad. Cameron Tucker
] You've made a little girl very happy! Mitchell Pritchett
: Yes, I can see that.
: So, where is she? Where's Mom? Jay Pritchett
: Yeah, let's get the weirdness over with. Mitchell Pritchett
: Well, I thought she was coming with you. Claire Dunphy
: Oh, no, no. I haven't seen Mom since, let's see... oh, she made out with my ex-boyfriend last night. Jay Pritchett
: What? Claire Dunphy
: Yeah. Mitchell Pritchett
: No, my God! Claire Dunphy
: Yeah, yeah. And then she took off with him, didn't come back to the house until after I was asleep. And then this morning, left a cute little note that said "Having breakfast with Robbie." Jay Pritchett
: What the hell is she doing? He's half her age.
[Mitchell and Claire give Jay, who is standing with Gloria, weird looks
] Jay Pritchett
: Don't say it.
[Claire and her mother are arguing at Lily's birthday party
] Mitchell Pritchett
: Claire, Claire, Claire! Not now, not now, not now! No, stop, please. Claire Dunphy
: She accused me of trying to steal my old boyfriend from her. Mitchell Pritchett
: Okay, fine. But make it quick.
: [Sitting with Mitchell's gay friends
] So what does a guy have to do to get a drink around here? Mitchell Pritchett
: Nobody answer that.
: When I was twelve my father walked in on me doing the most embarrassing thing a boy can do: dancing to Madonna's Lucky Star.
: People can surprise you. You get so used to thinking of them one way, stuck in their roles. They are what they are. Then they do something that shows you there's all this depth and dimension that you never knew existed. Cameron Tucker
: Are you talking about Rob Lowe? Mitchell Pritchett
: I'm just saying he's a very versatile actor. I think his good looks have actually held him back. Cameron Tucker
: Well, I can relate to that.
: This Saturday we're having dinner with Pepper, Longines and Crispin. Cameron Tucker
: They're our gay friends. Mitchell Pritchett
: I think that was clear. I have been around a lot of straight people lately, and I need a night out with my homies. Cameron Tucker
: You mean your homos
] Mitchell Pritchett
: Okay, maybe you should stay and babysit.
: Hey, Haley. Haley Dunphy
: Oh, hey, Uncle Mitchell. Mitchell Pritchett
: Hey, is your mom home? Haley Dunphy
: No. She had to take Alex to the oncologist. Mitchell Pritchett
: Oh, my God. What's wrong? Haley Dunphy
: She needed new glasses. Mitchell Pritchett
: Oh. Did you mean the optometrist? Haley Dunphy
: [as he sees Jay, Phil and Cameron going to confront the boy who scammed Haley
] No, we are not vigilantes! Cameron Tucker
: Shotgun! Mitchell Pritchett
: No! No weapons!
: Cam thinks he's Dirty Harry. Jay Pritchett
: I have trouble picturing Clint Eastwood in that shirt.
: You know, if this were a romantic comedy, this would be our meet cute. We'd spend the rest of the afternoon drinking wine, eating food, flying a kite... you know, montage-y stuff. Mitchell Pritchett
: Am I in this movie of yours? Cameron Tucker
: Yeah, you're the gay best friend.
: [to Jay, Phil and Cameron
] See you in prison! It'll be a big adjustment for two of you.
: It's time to play everyone's favorite game. Cameron Tucker
: Let's Blame the Gay Dads. Mitchell Pritchett
: You know who had straight parents? Adolf Hitler. Cameron Tucker
: Charles Manson. Mitchell Pritchett
: Shall we go on? Cameron Tucker
: Naomi Campbell.
: I can't believe Lily is biting. Lily, why are you biting? Cameron Tucker
: She's not biting, she's teething. Mitchell Pritchett
: On people! If she keeps biting on her playdates, they'll make her a pariah. Cameron Tucker
: You mean piranha. Mitchell Pritchett
: Really, Cam? Cameron Tucker
: It was right there.
: Ow, you bit me! Mitchell Pritchett
: Well why don't you sing me a song about it?
: What else does it say? Mitchell Pritchett
: [Reading from parenting blog
] "My son was biting, so I put a little pepper in his mouth. He cried and cried, but never bit again. Smiley face." Cameron Tucker
: Oh, well that makes everything better, doesn't it? "I just waterboarded my child, LOL."
: [Mitch and Cam are dancing romantically
] Are we almost done with fairy time? Mitchell Pritchett
: [in unison, flustered
] Lily! Of all the... Cameron Tucker
: Lily, that's offensive. Lily Tucker-Pritchett
: I just want to get out of this costume.
: I don't care if it's cliché; I love the convenience of a nice mini quiche. Dan
: You got a little um...
[points to shirt
] Mitchell Pritchett
: Oh no, okay. Perfect. Could the new guy embarrass himself any more? Haha. Cameron Tucker
: [Enters seductively
] Hey, counselor. What do I have to do to get you to drop that suit?
: Hey guys. Luke Dunphy
: Sweet, you brought the sifter!
] Luke Dunphy
: Now I can start my rhubarb pie! Haley Dunphy
: Oh! Can I help pick the rhubarb? Luke Dunphy
: Lead the way, kitten. Haley Dunphy
[giddily leaves with Luke
] Phil Dunphy
: Anybody want a plum? Mitchell Pritchett
: I'm good. Phil Dunphy
: 'Grab you a roadie! Claire Dunphy
: Hahaha! I like it. Mitchell Pritchett
: There is no easy way to ask this but are you all high?
: Leave it to the gays to raise the only underachieving Asian in America.
: Disabled interracial lesbians with an African kicker. Mitchell Pritchett
: Did not see that coming.
: [on the phone with Claire
] Hey, it's me. What's a good preschool? Claire Dunphy
: Uh... Well, our kids went to Wagon Wheel. Mitchell Pritchett
: And it was good? You liked it? Claire Dunphy
: Yeah, well my kids are middle management material, at best. I didn't want to waste a lot of money. Yes, Mitchell, it's good. Why the interest? Mitchell Pritchett
: I just realized all of Lily's friends are going to school this year, and now she's late. Claire Dunphy
: Don't worry, she can wait another year. Just...
[Claire sees her family all involved with their electronic devices
] Claire Dunphy
: Buy her a BlackBerry. That's all she's gonna want to do, anyway. Cameron Tucker
: What did she say? Mitchell Pritchett
: She says to buy her a BlackBerry. Cameron Tucker
: [calling out to the phone
] Lily doesn't have the dexterity for that, Claire!
: You're a list maker. I'm a dreamer. Sean Penn would play me in a movie, or Anne Hathaway if they were going for a female-driven vehicle. Mitchell Pritchett
: Who would be playing your long suffering partner? Cameron Tucker
: Julianne Moore either way. Mitchell Pritchett
: I would see that. I totally would.
: Mitchell, where were we sitting when Lily first rolled over? Mitchell Pritchett
: Under this tree. Cameron Tucker
: Where is home base when we play hide and seek? Mitchell Pritchett
: Under this tree. Cameron Tucker
: And where did we sought shelter from that frightening lightning storm? Mitchell Pritchett
: It wasn't a good idea, but it was under this tree.
: It's a nightmare. Mitchell Pritchett
: Well, someone inherited her father's flair for hyperbole.
: I'll get the tree. Because if you get the wrong one, you know, people get upset. Claire Dunphy
: You get upset. Mitchell Pritchett
: I'm people.
: My mom tells me it's "Xmas" in a text? Mitchell Pritchett
: Yeah, well, my mother canceled in a voicemail and told me she had a boyfriend in a newsletter, so join the team.
: Why don't we ever go shopping together? Alex Dunphy
: Because I hate shopping. Mitchell Pritchett
: I do too!
: I'm playing a new drinking game. It's called "Every time I'm depressed, I take a drink." Mitchell Pritchett
: That game exists. It's called alcoholism.
: When was the last time we talked under a table. Mitchell Pritchett
: Dad and Gloria's wedding reception.
: [seeing Haley and Alex scrubbing the kitchen
] Whoa. What's all this? Haley Dunphy
: Mom heard us say we were bored. Phil Dunphy
: Suckers. Alex Dunphy
: She heard us from outside! Haley Dunphy
: She has super-good hearing, like a seeing eye dog. They have overdeveloped hearing to make up for the fact... wait, the dogs aren't blind. Wait, are they? No, that wouldn't make sense. Alex Dunphy
: [to Phil
] You're right. If I wait long enough, she can get there by herself. Phil Dunphy
: [his cell phone rings
] Quick, girls. Famous Danny from "Moonstruck". Aiello? Mitchell Pritchett
: Hey, Phil, I'm glad I caught ya. Phil Dunphy
: What's up? Mitchell Pritchett
: Uh, it's about Steven and Stefan. They want to see that house on Briar again. Phil Dunphy
: Really? I showed it to them five times. Last time we were there, I think they got mail. Mitchell Pritchett
: Yeah, well, that's why I'm calling. They hate upsetting people. Unless, of course, it's me. Then they don't mind waking me up at seven a.m., asking me to call you. Phil Dunphy
: It's no problem. I'm just hanging around. Kind of bored, really.
[Haley and Alex gasp
] Phil Dunphy
[Phil gasps as he realizes what he just said
: Cam thinks that if he were straight he and Julia Roberts would be dating. Cameron Tucker
: I met her once at an AIDS walk and we had a real connection. Mitchell Pritchett
: You handed her a bottle of water. Cameron Tucker
: Her hand lingered. Mitchell Pritchett
: Because you wouldn't let go.
: I could so be a womanizer. Mitchell Pritchett
: Or you could be someone who just stepped out of a machine called the Womanizer.
: Usually, I say no to drugs, but I thought, just this once... and I figured, if I was going to make an ass of myself, at least I wouldn't remember it. Mitchell Pritchett
: That drug I gave him? Baby aspirin, orange flavored. He could have chewed it.
: Come on, kids. It's your grandfather's birthday. You need to take this seriously. Mitchell Pritchett
: [Wearing a sailor suit
] Permission to come aboard.
: That's trespassing. Claire Dunphy
: No it's not. We used to live here. Mitchell Pritchett
: I don't think that does what you think it does.
: [after Claire uncorks a bottle of wine with her teeth
] Where did you learn to do that? Claire Dunphy
: Where did you get a sailor suit at such short notice? Mitchell Pritchett
: Fair enough.
[Picks up bottle
] Mitchell Pritchett
: Eew! It's Merlot.
: What are you in the mood for, birthday boy? Rom com or horror? Or we can do both and watch Maid In Manhattan.
: How could I miss the connection? A month after the most devastating twister to hit Cam's home town, I throw a party based on gay cinema's most famous tornado.
: All this time I've been trying to figure out what Cam wanted for his birthday, and he'd been telling me all along. He wanted to be ten.
: I can't believe you're laughing! Cameron Tucker
: I can't help it! You know I have two weaknesses, children swearing and old people rapping.
: What if she says it at the wedding? She's a ticking time bomb. Mitchell Pritchett
: So we just don't go? Cameron Tucker
: We'll just make an excuse. We could say "We're not going to any more weddings until gays can marry." Mitchell Pritchett
: Oh, now we're political. We leave town on Gay Pride Weekend because we don't like the traffic.
: [after Cameron laughs at Lily swearing
] I have two children.
: No breakfast for me. I have to go to work early. Jay Pritchett
: Oh, really? I didn't hear an ambulance drive by.
] Mitchell Pritchett
: It's funny because it's what I've dedicated my life to.
: Hey, dad, did you accidentally leave this hilarious book of lawyer jokes in the guest room? Jay Pritchett
: I'll tell you if you can answer the following question: What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? Mitchell Pritchett
: I don't know. What? Jay Pritchett
: Well, one's a bottom-feeding mud dweller. The other's a fish.
: Hey, dad? Jay Pritchett
: Don't need to talk about it. I was out of line comin' down there. It won't happen again. Scotch is at the bar. Mitchell Pritchett
: No, I've been giving this a lot of thought. Jay Pritchett
: I guess we're gonna talk about it. Mitchell Pritchett
: I was rude to you. I think I was just annoyed by all the lawyer jokes. I mean, let's be honest, you don't exactly beam with pride over what I do for a living. Jay Pritchett
: Mockery is the sincerest form of flattery. Mitchell Pritchett
: I'm pretty sure that's not the saying, but... um, you know, Manny told me a story about his friend Danielle. Whew, she sounds like a real piece of work, by the way. But, uh, it made me realize that I take myself a little too seriously. Jay Pritchett
: Listen, it goes without saying I've always been proud of you, and I brag about you all the time. So if I say "What do lawyers use as birth control?" and the answer is "Their personalities", I want you to know I'm not referring to you. You don't need any birth control.
: [Cameron is waving sparklers in front of a banner reading "It's gonna be a boy" while "Let's Hear It For The Boy" plays on the tape player
] Okay, just to be clear: This is low key? Cameron Tucker
: It's just a banner and some light musical accompaniment. I don't have a lower key.
: I do not pick her up early from preschool. Mitchell Pritchett
: Lily, did daddy pick you up early from preschool? Lily Tucker-Pritchett
: No. Cameron Tucker
: See? Case closed. Lily Tucker-Pritchett
: We didn't go. Mitchell Pritchett
: Case open. Lily Tucker-Pritchett
: We went shopping. Cameron Tucker
: All right, Lily. Lily Tucker-Pritchett
: We bought matchy hats. Cameron Tucker
: You're going to your room. Mitchell Pritchett
: You're both going to her room.
: [to Cameron and Mitchell
] Hey, do you guys have any old furniture? I'm moving into the attic. Mitchell Pritchett
: The attic? Luke Dunphy
: Hey, at least it's big. Grandpa said you used to live in a closet. Cameron Tucker
: Oh, okay. Well, you know what? Yeah, we'll absolutely find you something for sure, okay? Lily Tucker-Pritchett
: [pushing Luke away from Cameron
] My daddy! Mitchell Pritchett
: Lily, no! I'm sorry, Luke. Luke Dunphy
: [staring daggers at Lily
] This isn't over. Cameron Tucker
: Oh, my God, Mitchell. She's getting worse. I have turned her into a pushy little entitled monster on her way to a rap sheet and a bracelet on her ankle.
[Cameron glances at Lily and whimpers in horror
] Cameron Tucker
: Oh, she has a bracelet on her ankle.
: My trophy is a professional award given to me by my peers, while your trophy was given to you on a pier.
: This award has changed you, Mitchell. You may be flying high now, but soon you will be free falling, Tom Petty. Because you're petty. Tom Petty. You get it? Mitchell Pritchett
: About three sentences ago.
: I am so glad I talked to Alex, because she agreed with everything single thing I was saying, and it made me realize that I... was acting like a 14-year-old girl.
: We've been dropping by unannounced to quietly assess all the candidates. Mitchell Pritchett
: Well, not all the candidates. We can't just drop by Missourah. Cameron Tucker
: That's Missouri. No one from Missouri says Missourah. Mitchell Pritchett
: I'm so sorrah.
: I'm sorry, did we come by at a bad time? Claire Dunphy
: Try coming back seven years and five months from now when they're all gone!
: I just don't think Jay is the best one to raise Lily. Mitchell Pritchett
: You know, Cam, he raised me. Cameron Tucker
: Oh, now you've put me in an awkward position.
: Claire is the son dad never had. He always wanted someone to toss the ball around the backyard. I tossed the ball once, but... he did not attend.
: We're interviewing prospective mothers for adoption. Cameron Tucker
: It's quite an ordeal. You want to look good, make a good first impression. It's kind of like going on a first date. Mitchell Pritchett
: Actually, it's the opposite of a first date. You don't want to have sex, but you do want to have a baby.
: What we got out of the experience was that I can sing. Mitchell Pritchett
: What we didn't get out of that experience was a baby, because she decided to keep it.
: We're getting married in seven months. Cameron Tucker
: Or eight months. Mitchell Pritchett
: I don't like getting married in April. Cameron Tucker
: Well, I don't like sweating in May.
: You don't know what I've been through! Cameron Tucker
: Well, maybe that's the problem. Mitchell Pritchett
: Yeah, you've been put through the mill, Pepper. Heard it!
: I don't care what they say, kale is a good garnish, I don't think it's ready to anchor a meal.
: [about the book he wrote for Lily
] See, I made her a panda because she's Asian. Mitchell Pritchett
: And we're monkeys because... Cameron Tucker
: I can draw monkeys.
: You don't know what you're missing. 45 varieties of lavender. Cameron Tucker
: You're not making the compelling case you think you are.
: [They've lost Lily in a banana plantation
] Why did you dress her in jungle prints? Cameron Tucker
: I thought it would be cute! Mitchell Pritchett
: She's gonna think she's back in Vietnam!
: [sitting on Phil's shoulders
] Are you sure I'm not too heavy? Phil Dunphy
: Please. You weigh less than my paintball gear.
: Believe it or not, this is my first time. I know, people say I look like a Hawaii person. Mitchell Pritchett
: Who says that? Cameron Tucker
: People. Mitchell Pritchett
: What people? Cameron Tucker
: You don't know them.
: Who's going to take care of me? Cameron Tucker
: Haley is. Lily Tucker-Pritchett
: I'm serious. Mitchell Pritchett
: Alex. Lily Tucker-Pritchett
: Okay, let's go.
: But your father wanted us together. Mitchell Pritchett
: We're always together! How many times do we have to hear Claire tell us about Luke's comeback to the pediatrician? Cameron Tucker
: We should start calling her Ranch House, because she doesn't have a second story.
: I took over after the old musical director came down with an unexpected illness.
[Flashback to Cameron sneezing on the musical director
] Cameron Tucker
: I think it's for the best. The show lacked focus. I gave it a theme: a musical journey around the world. Mitchell Pritchett
: You see, he focused it by making it about the world.
: Why do you always put a wet blanket on my dreams? Mitchell Pritchett
: I do not. Cameron Tucker
: Yes you do, and what do I end up with? Wet dreams! I knew it the minute I said it.
: I can't have a Pritchett here. There's too much sensitive information that your father would love to get his hands on.
[Hides a piece of paper
] Mitchell Pritchett
: That was a take-out menu. Earl Chambers
: I don't want that man to know where I eat!
: Mitchell, just in time. I have room for another knife in my back. Mitchell Pritchett
: I'm here to tell you that Earl is not as bad as you say he is. Jay Pritchett
: I saw him eat a panda steak.
: Okay, when did hats come back? Cameron Tucker
: That one's come back about eight times. Pick a side of the room, lady!
: [as they are being attacked by the wife of the man whose car they got by mistake
] We're in a rut! Cameron Tucker
: Really? You want to go over that now? Mitchell Pritchett
: No, I mean we are in an actual rut! We're stuck!
: [answers phone
] Hello? Mitchell Pritchett
: There's a pigeon in the house! What do I do, what do I do? Cameron Tucker
: Who is this? Mitchell Pritchett
: Not funny, not funny now. Cameron Tucker
: Relax, I was around animals as a kid. One time, a rooster got inside, my mother wrung its neck and we had it for dinner. Mitchell Pritchett
: Not the time for an anecdote.
: It's more afraid of you then you are of it. Mitchell Pritchett
: Pigeons aren't afraid of anything. They stand on electrical wires.
: I think dad will love returning my gift this year.
: Remember how rebellious we were? Mitchell Pritchett
: Weren't we, though?
] Mitchell Pritchett
: Wait, were we? I mean, I had that red afro phase. Claire Dunphy
: And me dating the whitest Puerto Rican on Earth. Mitchell Pritchett
: Hey Cam, does the gardener usually work on Saturdays? Cameron Tucker
: I don't know, he comes when we need him - he's like Batman, but straight.
: Where's Cam? Mitchell Pritchett
: We got into a fight. Because of him, I have a house full of Latinos Jay Pritchett
: Welcome to my world. So, trouble in gay paradise, huh? Mitchell Pritchett
: Well, he just can't say no to anybody who needs help and why do you have to always add the word 'gay' where it doesn't belong?
: [to Cameron on the phone
] Okay, it's Toontown, not Toonton. You've been watching too much PBS.
: Everyone's staring at us. I haven't been judged by this many people since I forgot my canvas bags at Whole Foods. Cameron Tucker
: They're just seeing something they wish they had. Mitchell Pritchett
: A pet child?
: I was not the best athlete growing up, and Dad never missed an opportunity to point it out. "Nice throw, Nancy!" Nancy was our neighbor growing up. I could never throw as good as her.
: Did you hear that? He's not just talking to him, he's talking to seven-year-old you, eight-year-old you... Mitchell Pritchett
: [Swinging angrily
] Suck it, Nancy! Pepper Saltzman
: I was just trying to help!
: Missouri... Misery. Huh.
: She even agreed to attend the wedding. Mitchell Pritchett
: Standing outside with a sign. Cameron Tucker
: Baby steps.
: Why is she so obsessed with princesses? Mitchell Pritchett
: Oh, like we weren't at that age?
: I hear that you keep flashing our guests. Cameron Tucker
: Not in an inappropiate way. I just want people to see my body under this stupid costume. Mitchell Pritchett
: That's very close to what an actual flasher would say.
: They can take us at 5:15... Cameron Tucker
: What are we, 80? Mitchell Pritchett
: ...or 10:45. Cameron Tucker
: What are we, 20?
: You have a great house. Love the retro-sixties look. Of course, if this was the sixties, we would be a pair of "confirmed bachelors" and Lily here would be a Yorkie. Amelia
: And I'd still be trapped in a loveless marriage.
: There's nothing gays hate more that being treated like women. Okay? We don't want to go to your baby shower, we don't have a time of the month, and we don't love pink. Mitchell Pritchett
: You love pink. Cameron Tucker
: No, pink loves me.
: How was your day with my dad? Phil Dunphy
: Awkward, actually. He, um... he cried a little. Claire Dunphy
: My dad? Phil Dunphy
: Shh. Mitchell Pritchett
: Dad what? Claire Dunphy
: He cried. Phil Dunphy
: No, I didn't say he cried. Cameron Tucker
: Who cried? Mitchell Pritchett
: My dad. Phil Dunphy
: Stop! Cameron Tucker
: Why would you make Jay sob like that? Phil Dunphy
: I didn't make him sob. He... teared up when I found this poem he wrote for his mom as a boy. Cameron Tucker
, Claire Dunphy
, Mitchell Pritchett
: Aw! Gloria Delgado-Pritchett
] What is "aw"? Mitchell Pritchett
: Phil saw Dad cry. Cameron Tucker
: Jay misses his mama. Phil Dunphy
: Everybody stop! Jay Pritchett
] Is anybody hungry?
[seeing everybody looking at him weirdly
] Jay Pritchett
: What? Gloria Delgado-Pritchett
: You cried for your mommy. Jay Pritchett
: Oh, crap. I did not.
: Unless Tom Brady is staying over, I'm not cooking pancakes for football players. He is a football player, right?
: I'm bored. Cameron Tucker
: I know, honey, but right now your daddies are talking about what they're going to wear, and that's a very stressful conversation. Lily Tucker-Pritchett
: Cry me a river. Mitchell Pritchett
: You know, I'm not liking this snarky attitude. Lily Tucker-Pritchett
: Do you want me to call you a wah-mbulance?
: You know what I just realized? Mitchell Pritchett
: That some thoughts are best left unexpressed? Cameron Tucker
: That in our relationship, I'm the pedal and you're the brake. Mitchell Pritchett
: Last week you said that you were the painting and I was the frame. Cameron Tucker
: That was if we were an artwork. This is if we were a car. Mitchell Pritchett
: If we were a horse, I know which part you'd be.
: Take out any deep-seated anger you may have and come at me. Mitchell Pritchett
: I don't have any deep-seated anger. Jay Pritchett
: Remember that Halloween when I didn't let you dress up as Olivia Newton-John? Mitchell Pritchett
: When you come back, there will be a great, big mess waiting for you. Cameron Tucker
: And I will give him a great, big hug.
: We took Lily on her first train ride. Just a quick trip to Chinatown. Cameron Tucker
: I was worried she would think we were taking her back to Vietnam, but she seemed okay. Mitchell Pritchett
: Yeah, yeah. Possibly because she was an infant when she left Vietnam. Also, Vietnam's not China. Cameron Tucker
: Well, I had a lollipop with me, just in case.
[cut to Cameron, Mitchell, and Lily getting off the train
] Cameron Tucker
: I love that we're doing this. It's important for her to explore the city she lives in. Mitchell Pritchett
: So much diversity. Keep your wallet in your front pocket. Lily Tucker-Pritchett
: My shoe's untied. Cameron Tucker
: Oh, sweetie, it is. Here, have a seat. Right here, there you go. Hey, hold Bunny.
[Cameron tosses Bunny to Mitchell; it sails past him and lands in the train
] Mitchell Pritchett
: [the train doors close
] No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no! No! Lily Tucker-Pritchett
: Bunny! Cameron Tucker
: How did you miss that, Mitchell? Mitchell Pritchett
: Mr. Conductor! I-I... what? I was Purelling! And it's me; why would you toss it? Cameron Tucker
: Because my hands were full? Lily Tucker-Pritchett
: I want Bunny. Cameron Tucker
: I know. Okay, I have an idea. Let's catch the next train and ride it 'till it catches up. Mitchell Pritchett
: They don't catch up. It's called a collision. Cameron Tucker
: Okay, well do you have a better idea? You're the one that lost it. Mitchell Pritchett
: No, you tossed it. He tossed it lost it. Cameron Tucker
: Don't try to clever your way out of this. Lily Tucker-Pritchett
: Daddy lost Bunny. Cameron Tucker
, Mitchell Pritchett
: She means you.
: We would have been here sooner, but this one had a wardrobe crisis. Cameron Tucker
: You know, it's a somber occasion, and all my tops are too joyful. Mitchell Pritchett
: You do not want our problems.
: Mom hasn't gotten here yet. Mitchell Pritchett
: Is she driving her jalopie, or did she take one of them new flying machines? Cameron Tucker
: Missouri is more cosmopolitan than you give it credit for. It's got a very vibrant cowboy poetry scene. Mitchell Pritchett
: You're not making the point you think you're making.
: [dropping off Stella
] Okay guys listen up: She gets three walks a day. Keep her off the bed, we're training her. No chicken bones. If she starts to wheeze... Mitchell Pritchett
: Wow remember when you dropped me off at summer camp? You barely slowed down the car.
: I hope I'm as cool as you guys in thirty years. Gloria Delgado-Pritchett
: Does she think we're fifty? Mitchell Pritchett
: No, she's just bad at math.
: You know what you need? Cameron Tucker
: To gather my team and put the fear of God in them. Mitchell Pritchett
: I was going to say get a churro. Cameron Tucker
: I can do both!
: We had great tickets for Lady Gaga. I was looking forward to this concert for weeks. It's the one gay stereotype I allow myself.
: If it were up to you, we'd be getting them something from their gift registry. Mitchell Pritchett
: You mean the list of things they actually want? Cameron Tucker
: They don't know what they want.
: [on their disastrous musical performance the year before
] The family has been mocking us relentlessly all year. Cameron Tucker
: Nicknames like Screeches and Herb, Simon and Godawful, Nickelback... Mitchell Pritchett
: But we're going to redeem ourselves this year. We have been rehearsing our new number for months and we will debut it at the cabin as a special holiday "Screw you!" to the family.
: Hey, Dad. Uh, did you know that the accident was Gloria's fault? Jay Pritchett
: Yes. I mean, I wasn't there, but she's a horrible driver. If she hit ten cars, I wouldn't be surprised. Mitchell Pritchett
: If you knew that it was her fault, why did you get me involved? Jay Pritchett
: Because someone has to tell her she's in the wrong, and better you than me. Mitchell Pritchett
: That's great. Here I am thinking that my dad actually respects me as a lawyer, and really you're just throwing me to the wolves. Jay Pritchett
: Can't it be both? Mitchell Pritchett
: Okay. Dad, it... it doesn't bother you in the least that your gay son is the only one tough enough to stand up to your wife? Jay Pritchett
: Go get 'em, Rocky. See you later. Cameron Tucker
: [calling out before Jay hangs up
] Your father and I had a moon landing in the locker room. Jay Pritchett
: [hanging up the phone
] What's the matter with you?
: I don't know how straight people do this. Mitchell Pritchett
: Probably without those hand gestures.
: I don't get it. We've been shooting for six hours, and all of a sudden she doesn't want to do it anymore. Mitchell Pritchett
: I have a theory.
: I call Mrs. Plank Mrs. Crank, because I say what others don't have the guts to say. Mitchell Pritchett
: Behind her back.
: Stop talking. I just need some time for this wound to become a scar. Mitchell Pritchett
: I'm sorry I got Claire involved, but - and this is not a criticism - but sometimes you can be a little sensitive about your appearance. Cameron Tucker
: Well, this *is* a criticism. Sometimes, you can be insensitive about everything. Mitchell Pritchett
: Oh, my... I just... Cam, I just feel like our relationship's strong enough to survive a little candor. I mean... look, you could tell me if there's something about me you'd like to change. Cameron Tucker
: [without missing a beat
] I hate your beard. Mitchell Pritchett
: Wow. Well, you had that bullet in the chamber.
: Does this look like the work of someone who's unfulfilled? Mitchell Pritchett
: It's a mermaid costume. Cameron Tucker
: Hand-stitched from my own design. Do you know how hard it is to sew lycra? It's like sewing water. Mitchell Pritchett
: Seems a little small for Lily. Cameron Tucker
: It's not for Lily, it's for the cat.
] Cameron Tucker
: My master project is a mermaid costume for a cat!
: There are exactly three people in costume here: a tool, a douche and me... and I don't have time to go home and change. Cameron Tucker
: Calm down. Did you bring in the dry cleaning from last night? Mitchell Pritchett
: Are you really getting on me about the dry clean... oh, I have suits in the trunk! Cameron Tucker
: Look at that. Yesterday's lazy cures today's crazy.
: I can't believe little Alex is going to high school. I feel so old. Mitchell Pritchett
: How do you think that makes me feel? I was in the delivery room. I tell you, if I wasn't gay then... Cameron Tucker
: Oh, please. You wouldn't have lasted one day in the farm. I witnessed all kinds of birthings. I've seen cows, sheep, even a three-legged...
[Cameron trips and falls in the wading pool; Mitchell laughs
] Cameron Tucker
: Really, Mitchell? I could have died!
: That's one thing I love about being gay. We can be friends with our exes. We don't get all catty like straight people do. Mitchell Pritchett
: I'm still friends with Pepper. Cameron Tucker
: We went out on one date! When are you going to let it go? Mitchell Pritchett
: When you stop reacting like that. Lily Tucker-Pritchett
: Daddy loves Pepper. Cameron Tucker
: I taught her that.
: I am loosing my mind. As much as I love Lily, which is you know, more than life itself, I am, whoooh, not cut out to be a stay-at-home dad. But it's Cameron's turn. It's Cameron's turn to be out in the world, interacting with other grownups, while I get to stay at home and plot the death of Dora the Explorer... Fill her backpack with bricks and throw her into Candy Cane River.
: It's just a family portrait, so go easy on the filters. We don't need sepia tone. Cameron Tucker
: You know what other tone we don't need?
: That's hogwash. Cameron Tucker
: As someone who has seen actual hogwash, I can assure you that it's not.
: [about being a ventriloquist at a beauty pageant
] I practiced for weeks, but when it came time for me to perform, I froze. I went speechless. Mitchell Pritchett
: And you lost. Gloria Delgado-Pritchett
: No, I won.
[Gestures at herself
] Gloria Delgado-Pritchett
: Imagine this when I was eighteen.
: You know, Mom's in town. Jay Pritchett
: Your mom? Mitchell Pritchett
: No. No, your mom. She's back from the grave. Yes. Yes, my mom, Dad. Jay Pritchett
: My mom would be less scary. Mitchell Pritchett
: Listen, she's a wreck about what happened at the wedding, and she wants to come to dinner tonight to apologize to everyone. Jay Pritchett
: Still her little errand boy, I see. Mitchell Pritchett
: No... why does everyone keep saying... No! I... I'm just trying to piece this family back together. So, you'll talk to Gloria about Mom coming to dinner? Jay Pritchett
: Oh, Gloria would never go for that in a million years. She's still furious with your mother, which is why I'm not talking to you. Mitchell Pritchett
: What did I do? Jay Pritchett
: This conversation never took place. Mitchell Pritchett
: What? That's not very nice. I drove all the way here. Jay Pritchett
: No, you didn't. You were never here. In fact, you never even called. Mitchell Pritchett
: I would have called, but I thought it would be better to talk about... what's happening here? Jay Pritchett
: Listen, I would love to get this thing behind us, but Gloria would never forgive me if I pulled a fast one on her. That's why *you're* going to pull a fast one on her, and I'm not going to like it one bit.
: Hey, sweetie, hi. How was your day? Lily Tucker-Pritchett
: Better than hers.
[Referring to Cameron, who's crying
] Lily Tucker-Pritchett
: What's wrong now? Mitchell Pritchett
: Daddy's just having a moment. Lily Tucker-Pritchett
: He's always having a moment.
: Yes, my sister and I were actually a very good team. We were called "fire and nice." I was "fire," 'cause of the red hair, and Claire was "nice," because it was ironic and she wasn't. Cameron Tucker
: And Mitchell is still upset because Claire quit the team right before some meet. Mitchell Pritchett
: "Some meet"? The 13-and-under regional championships; just the Emerald City at the end of my yellow brick road. Cameron Tucker
: Wow! You did it. Mitchell Pritchett
: What? Cameron Tucker
: You made figure skating sound even gayer.
: It's been a busy time at the house lately. Cameron Tucker
: Fun busy. Mitchell Pritchett
: I've been doing some work helping people with estates and wills. It's sadder than I thought It'd be. Cameron Tucker
: Fun sad.
: Mitchell, there's a stranger in our hot tub. Mitchell Pritchett
: Who is it? Cameron Tucker
: You do know what stranger means, don't you? Mitchell Pritchett
: Oh my God! What is he doing here? Cameron Tucker
: You saw him two seconds after I did. I know just as much as you do.
: Lily is not gay, it's just a phase she's going through. Oh, my God, did I just say that? Don't tell anyone I said that.
: Can you keep a secret? Mitchell Pritchett
: Well, I kept a pretty big one for twenty-two years.
: You don't like my Oxfords? Cameron Tucker
: I'm sorry. They're fine. Mitchell Pritchett
: Thank you. Cameron Tucker
: ...for a small town detective.
: You cheated on me. Mitchell Pritchett
: How did I cheat on you? Cameron Tucker
: You cheated on me with choreography, and that's the worst kind. Mitchell Pritchett
: How is that the worst... Cameron Tucker
: You danced without me, Mitchell!
: I was going to mail the invitations, so I put then on the back of the van, but I put my gym bag on top. I feel terrible. I haven't been to the gym in six weeks. And I ruined Cam's event.
: Coming up with a lie like that in the moment... that girl is no clown. She's gonna be a lawyer.
: She's a My Sweet Companion doll. Each doll has an elaborate backstory. Beatrice works with blind dolphins and models. Gloria Delgado-Pritchett
: There are blind models? That is so sad. They can't see how pretty they are.
: So if I die, you'll wait a few weeks to replace me? Cameron Tucker
: No, of course not. Where am I going to find another gay Mitchell with your exact markings?
: [to Mitchell on the phone
] My brother is going to some border town to get a baby and I have to hear it from Gloria? Mitchell Pritchett
: [to Cameron
] I was out for only two minutes. Cameron Tucker
: Sorry, I held it in as long as I could. We're having a baby!
: It was a supportive "wah-wah". Cameron Tucker
: There is no supportive "wah-wah". A "wah-wah" by its very nature is spiteful and undercutting.
: Okay, we can't be the parents of a six-year-old who got a hundred dollars from the tooth fairy. Mitchell Pritchett
: It's bad enough we're the parents of a six-year-old with a clutch. Cameron Tucker
: Hey, that clutch transitions from day to night seamlessly, and now I don't have to carry crayons in my front pocket. Mitchell Pritchett
: I'm not having this argument again.