Damon Salvatore
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Quotes for
Damon Salvatore (Character)
from "The Vampire Diaries" (2009)

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"The Vampire Diaries: Plan B (#2.6)" (2010)
Jeremy Gilbert: [Knocks on the Salvatore brothers door before Damon answers] I need to talk to ya.
Damon Salvatore: And when I need to talk to you?
[Tries to close the door on Jeremy]
Jeremy Gilbert: Tyler Lockwood has to kill someone to activate his curse. He's not a werewolf yet.
Damon Salvatore: [Sarcastically] Wow, fascinating. Not enough.
[Tries to close the door again on Jeremy, but Jeremy pushes it open]
Jeremy Gilbert: But Mason Lockwood is, and he's looking for a moonstone. A special rock connected to the werwolf legend. That's why he's here.
Damon Salvatore: A moonstone?
Jeremy Gilbert: And I know where it is.
Damon Salvatore: And you're bringing me this, why?

Damon Salvatore: What does your sister say about this little discovery?
[Sees Jeremy's unease]
Damon Salvatore: Oh, you haven't told her, have you?
Jeremy Gilbert: Elena doesn't want me to get involved in all of this.
Damon Salvatore: And you're a Gilbert. You just can't help yourself.

Damon Salvatore: [to Jeremy] Wow. Your search for lives purpose is as obvious as it is tragic.

Damon Salvatore: Mmmm... Vanessa, the hottie!

Alaric Saltzman: [Talking about the curse] Since then... err... werewolves can only turn on a full moon and vampires are... weakened by the sun.
Damon Salvatore: [Waves his hand with his ring on it] Most of them anyway.

Damon Salvatore: Who has the stone now?
Jeremy Gilbert: Tyler.
Damon Salvatore: Can you get it?
Jeremy Gilbert: Yeah.
Damon Salvatore: See, now your life has purpose.

Alaric Saltzman: Maybe Mason Lockwood believes he can use the moonstone to break the curse.
Damon Salvatore: If we start believing in some supernatural witchy-woo legend from a picture book, we're idiots. Who has the stone now?
Jeremy Gilbert: Tyler.
Damon Salvatore: Can you get it?
Jeremy Gilbert: Yeah.
Damon Salvatore: See, now your life has purpose.
Jeremy Gilbert: So you do believe it?
Damon Salvatore: It's the same book that says a werwolf bite kills a vampire. Ignoring it would make me an even bigger... idiot.

Elena Gilbert: Damon. What are you doing here?
Damon Salvatore: Looking for my baby bro. Speaking of... you need to tell yours to stop following me around.
Elena Gilbert: What's going on?
Damon Salvatore: Ask 'Eager Beaver'.

Stefan Salvatore: [Talking about Damon including Jeremy in the things about werewolves] Why would you involve Jeremy?
[Slaps Damon on the arm]
Damon Salvatore: He's playing 'Indiana Jones'. He involved himself.

Bonnie Bennett: What do you want?
Damon Salvatore: A favour.
Bonnie Bennett: Like that's gonna happen!
Damon Salvatore: So predictable!

Stefan Salvatore: [to Bonnie] I know how you feel about helping us out, but since you're the one who linked Mason to Katherine, we finally have an opportunity to get an upper hand on both of them, so just hear us out.
Damon Salvatore: Pretty please.

Stefan Salvatore: Can you play nice? Please?
Damon Salvatore: Yes.

Damon Salvatore: All you have to do is touch Mason Lockwood again, see if he gave Katherine the moonstone.
Bonnie Bennett: My visions don't work like that. I don't get to ask questions.
Damon Salvatore: How inconvenient!

Damon Salvatore: [about Bonnie's power on hurting vampires with her mind] Is a vampire specific?
Bonnie Bennett: It would work on anyone with a supernatural healing ability.
Damon Salvatore: Good. Good, good.

Bonnie Bennett: Damon, I'm not gonna help you hurt him.
Damon Salvatore: Mason Lockwood is a werewolf, Katherine is evil, they're the bad guys. Really? You're gonna play Morality Police with me right now?

Bonnie Bennett: Damon, I'm not gonna help you hurt him.
Damon Salvatore: Mason Lockwood is a werewolf, Katherine is evil, they're the bad guys. Really? You're gonna play Morality Police with me right now? Lets put it to you another way, they're a threat to Elena, but you witch are gonna get over yourself and help us.
[Stefan walks over]
Stefan Salvatore: Yeah, he meant that as a question, with a please on the end.
Damon Salvatore: Absolutely.

Damon Salvatore: She seduce you? Tell you she loved you? You're supernatural, so she can't compel you. I'm sure she used her other charms. Katherine's good that way.

Mason Lockwood: [Talking about Katherine] She's going to use it to lift the curse.
Damon Salvatore: Of the moon? So why would a vampire help a werewolf break a curse which keeps them from turning whenever they want?
Mason Lockwood: So I wouldn't have to turn anymore!
Damon Salvatore: Why?
Mason Lockwood: Because she loves me.
Damon Salvatore: [Chuckles] Now I get it. You're just stupid! Katherine doesn't love you, she's using you, you moron!

Damon Salvatore: You know, I look at you and I see myself. A less dashing, less intelligent version.

[last lines]
Damon Salvatore: Elena.
[Elena stops from opening the door]
Damon Salvatore: I'm the one who helped Katherine on. I wasn't thinking, I didn't think!
Elena Gilbert: It doesn't matter. Damon... she won. Katherine won.
[She opens the front door and walks out]

"The Vampire Diaries: The Return (#2.1)" (2010)
Damon Salvatore: If I do this, you and me, call it a truce?
Bonnie Bennett: No. But you'll do it anyway.
Bonnie Bennett: For Elena.

Damon Salvatore: [about his kiss with Katherine, thinking she was Elena] Hey, if you wanna forget it happened, fine... but I can't!

Damon Salvatore: [His realisation that Katherine's back] Oh! You've gotta be kidding me!

Elena Gilbert: [Seeing Stefan hurt on the floor because of Katherine] Stefan. W-What happened?
Damon Salvatore: Katherine happened.

Damon Salvatore: [about Katherine] Well she certainly knows how to make an entrance.
Stefan Salvatore: She-She fooled one of us. What does that mean?
Damon Salvatore: She pretended to be Elena too when I showed up earlier tonight.
Elena Gilbert: [Walks in] I told Jeremy. I can't lie to him anymore.
Stefan Salvatore: [Walks over to Elena] You alright?
Elena Gilbert: No, I'm not alright. I thought with all the tomb vampires gone, thinks would get better.
Stefan Salvatore: I know. We all did.
Elena Gilbert: Katherine was in this house so she was invited in. What are we gonna do?
Damon Salvatore: Move.

Stefan Salvatore: What happened tonight when you thought she was Elena?
Damon Salvatore: It's risking another frown line encroaching on a very crowded forehead. We... kissed.
Elena Gilbert: And you thought it was me?
Stefan Salvatore: What do you mean you kissed?
Damon Salvatore: Well... you know, when two lips pucker and they go
[makes kissing noises]
Damon Salvatore: .

Damon Salvatore: I've got a better idea.
Elena Gilbert: What's that?
Damon Salvatore: [about Katherine] I'm just gonna ignore the bitch.

Stefan Salvatore: Yeah... then what?
Damon Salvatore: Stake her, rip her head off... something poetic.

Bonnie Bennett: [Asking about the Mayor being effected by the device] Do you want to know why?
Damon Salvatore: Yes Bonnie, I would love to know why a non-vampire was tortured by the vampire torture device that you let John Gilbert use against us.

Damon Salvatore: Speaking of your guilt, how's Caroline?
Bonnie Bennett: She's much better.
Damon Salvatore: You're welcome.
Bonnie Bennett: No, you're welcome.
Damon Salvatore: Why am I welcome?
Bonnie Bennett: You live to see another day.
Damon Salvatore: No good deed goes unpunished with you does it?

Elena Gilbert: Hey. How you doing?
Damon Salvatore: [Sarcastically] Great Elena. Walking on sunshine, thanks for asking.
Elena Gilbert: Damon.
Damon Salvatore: Elena.
Elena Gilbert: We should be able to talk about this. Damon, we're close enough now. I really want to know how you are doing.
Damon Salvatore: I kissed you.Though you kissed me back. Doppelganger high jinx ensued. How do you think I'm doing?

Damon Salvatore: You think Katherine's gonna send me off the deep end don't ya? I don't need her for that.

Damon Salvatore: I kissed you.Though you kissed me back. Doppelganger high jinx ensued. How do you think I'm doing?
Elena Gilbert: I think that you're hurt.
Damon Salvatore: Mmm... no I don't get hurt Elena.
Elena Gilbert: No, you don't admit that you get hurt. You get angry, cover it up, then you do something stupid.
Damon Salvatore: You're scared. You think Katherine's gonna send me off the deep end don't ya? I don't need her for that. You know what? Why is it such a surprise that I would kiss you?
Elena Gilbert: That's not a surprise. I'm surprised that you thought I would kiss you back.
Damon Salvatore: Now I'm hurt.

Stefan Salvatore: I'm not gonna fight you.
Damon Salvatore: Why? I'd fight me.

Damon Salvatore: [after kissing Katherine] Wait... brief pause. I have a question answer it and it's back to fireworks and rockets and back to the glare, answer it right, I'll forget the last one hundred and forty five years I've spent missing you. I'll forget how much I loved you, I'll forget everything and we can start over. This can be our defining moment, see we have the time, it's the beauty of eternity. I just need the truth, just once...
Katherine Pierce: Stop. I already know the question and it's answer...

Elena Gilbert: [Walks from the bathroom and sees Damon sitting on her bed] Oh God! You scared me.
Damon Salvatore: Just doing my part in neighbourhood watch.

Elena Gilbert: Thanks... for... uh... looking out for us. For me.
Damon Salvatore: That's me. Your trusty bodyguard, calm in a crisis.

Damon Salvatore: Upset is an emotion specific for those who care.

"The Vampire Diaries: Bad Moon Rising (#2.3)" (2010)
Stefan Salvatore: [First line] Thanks for coming Rick.
Damon Salvatore: Can I get you something to drink, coffee, bourbon, bourbon and coffee?

Alaric Saltzman: Why would I know anything about the Lockwoods?
Damon Salvatore: Well you wouldn't, but your dead/not dead vampire wife might!

Alaric Saltzman: [about Isbel's research] At the time I thought most of which was... fiction.
Damon Salvatore: [about vampires existing] Like that amazing vampire story!

Damon Salvatore: Sorry you can't come too Stef!
[Looks over at Elena]
Stefan Salvatore: [Ignores Damon and talks to Elena] Call me if you need anything.
Damon Salvatore: Oh, I'll take *really* good care of her.
[Stefan and Elena start to kiss, making Damon uncomfortable]
Damon Salvatore: Ok... time to go.

Damon Salvatore: [to Elena] How you doing back there? You know this whole 'pretending to hate me' thing is getting a little silly.
Alaric Saltzman: I don't think she's pretending.

Damon Salvatore: Elena I saw the ring. Big tacky thing. It's hard to miss.
[Rick lifts his ring up into shot]

Damon Salvatore: [Damon, Elena and Alaric are looking at Isabel's belongings at Duke University. Damon realises Vanessa has gone] Where'd she go?
[She appears with a cross and arrow and fires it at Elena, but Damon takes the arrow and saves her]

Damon Salvatore: Pull it out. I can't reach it Elena. Just pull the damn thing out. It hurts.
[Exhales while Elena pulls the arrow out]
Damon Salvatore: That bitch is dead!
Elena Gilbert: Ah! You're not gonna kill her.
Damon Salvatore: Watch me.

Elena Gilbert: Right... I forgot that I was speaking to a psychotic mind who snaps and kills people impulsively. Fine. Go ahead. Do whatever you want.
Damon Salvatore: You're trying to manipulate me.
Elena Gilbert: If by 'manipulate', you mean, tell the truth, ok... guilty.

Elena Gilbert: [to Vanessa] I'm Elena Gilbert, Isabel's daughter and a descendant of Katherine Pierce. And this is Damon who you just shot.
Damon Salvatore: [to Vanessa] I'd be extra nice to me right now.

Elena Gilbert: [Elena and Victoria go through some of Isabel's things. Elena can see Damon listening in so she hands Vanessa some Vervain] Here. Take this.
Vanessa Monroe: Does vervain really work?
Damon Salvatore: [From across the room] No. Not at all.
Vanessa Monroe: [Leans towards Elena] Can he hear us?
Damon Salvatore: [Whispering] No, that would be creepy.
Vanessa Monroe: Can he read minds too?
Damon Salvatore: Well, if you want to see me naked, all you have to do is ask.

Damon Salvatore: Any luck?
Elena Gilbert: There's nothing in here about Katherine that we don't already know.
Damon Salvatore: Aww man! You know it's a bummer that we aren't friends anymore because I can tell you what I know.
Elena Gilbert: Now who's' manipulating who?

Vanessa Monroe: There's no record of werewolf mythology in Mystic Falls, but here are some records of some of the lesser known legends. Everything from a Scandinavian Skin Walkers to the Marsh L'durets. 'Tu De Citli Mesli' which roughly translates into 'The Curse of the Sun and the Moon'
Alaric Saltzman: It's Native American?
Vanessa Monroe: Aztec. It explains one origin of the werwolf curse traced through Virginia. The short story, 600 years ago, the Aztecs were plagued by werewolves and vampires. They terrorized the countryside, made farming and hunting impossible, until an Aztec Sharman cursed them. Making vampires slaves to the sun and werewolves servants of the moon. As a result, vampires could only prowl at night and werewolves could only turn on a full moon. When the full moon crest is in the sky, whosever unlucky enough to fall under the werwolf curse turns into a wolf.
Damon Salvatore: Can they control the transformation?
Vanessa Monroe: If it were a choice, it wouldn't be called "a curse". Werewolves will attack humans, but instinct in centuries of rivalry have hard-wired them to hunt their prey of choice. Vampires.
[Everyone looks at her]
Damon Salvatore: Well, if werewolves are hunting vampires, I would know about it.
Vanessa Monroe: Not if there aren't that many werewolves left alive. Hundreds of years ago vampires hunted them to almost to extinction.
Elena Gilbert: Why would they do that?
Vanessa Monroe: To protect themselves. Legend has it that a werewolf bite is fatal to vampires.
Damon Salvatore: Oh...

Elena Gilbert: [about her likeness to Katherine] I just... I wanna know why we look alike.
Damon Salvatore: Head scratcher isn't it?
Elena Gilbert: Do you know something or are you just being yourself?

Damon Salvatore: [to Elena about her hatred towards him] You know I chipped a little bit off your wall of hatred.

Damon Salvatore: You and Katherine have a lot more in common than just your looks.

"The Vampire Diaries: Heart of Darkness (#3.19)" (2012)
Jeremy Gilbert: So you traveled across the country to get me to talk to a dead vampire?
Damon Salvatore: Dead vampire is redundant, but yes.

Jeremy Gilbert: Did you kill him?
Damon Salvatore: No. But it'll give us a head start. Come on.

Damon Salvatore: For the record, she's the one who wanted to stop at a motel, not me.

Damon Salvatore: Alright, Whoopi. What do you need? Candles? Incense? Pottery wheel?

Jeremy Gilbert: Alright, you, uh... You got a picture of her?
Damon Salvatore: Picture? From what, our trip to Disneyland?

Damon Salvatore: Come on, Rose. You're not actually gonna make us wait, are you? I know you're obsessed with me!

Damon Salvatore: She spent her last day in paradise. Soaking in the sun and reminiscing about what it means to be human. And when death came, she didn't fear it.
Elena Gilbert: I was with her on her last day, and she definitely wasn't in paradise.
Jeremy Gilbert: It was in the dream he gave her. She's here.

Elena Gilbert: Why don't you let people see the good in you?
Damon Salvatore: Because when people see good they expect good. And I don't wanna have to live up to anyone's expectations.

Damon Salvatore: Next time we compel him, remind me to make him better at baseball.

Jeremy Gilbert: So, where are we?
Damon Salvatore: Corner of Somewhere and Nowhere where Kol can't find us.

Jeremy Gilbert: I can't believe that Kol was a vampire.
Damon Salvatore: Well, didn't you find it weird that you made a friend so fast? I mean, have you met you?

Jeremy Gilbert: Alright, uh, tell me something about her.
Damon Salvatore: Um... Well, she did this little thing with her tongue...
Elena Gilbert: Something that matters, Damon.

Elena Gilbert: Is she lonely on the other side?
Rose: No. I enjoy it. I was running so much while I was alive, now I have the freedom to do whatever I want.
Jeremy Gilbert: She says not to worry. She's happy.
Damon Salvatore: Is she still hot?
Rose: Tell him he's still dripping with sex, too.
[Jeremy raises his eyebrows disbelievingly]
Rose: Fine. Tell him I miss him.
Jeremy Gilbert: She misses you.
Rose: And tell him I'm rooting for him and Elena.
Jeremy Gilbert: [Looks around] She, uh, she misses both of you.

Jeremy Gilbert: She was sired by someone named Mary Porter.
Damon Salvatore: Ugh. Scary Mary.

Damon Salvatore: [Answering phone] There you are! Any sign of Evil-laric?
Stefan Salvatore: Nope. Only Dead-Alaric.
Damon Salvatore: What?
Stefan Salvatore: Don't worry. He was wearing his ring. Klaus was here. Let's just say he's not very patient.

"The Vampire Diaries: Rose (#2.8)" (2010)
Damon Salvatore: I just have to say it once. You just need to here it. I love you, Elena. And it's because I love you that I can't be selfish with you... I don't deserve you, but my brother does.

Damon Salvatore: [about Taylor and Caroline helping Taylor] Yeah, I don't understand that. Guy's a tool.

Damon Salvatore: Oh, teens today and their underage drinking. Tragic.

Stefan Salvatore: This has Katherine written all over it.
Damon Salvatore: Katherine's in the tomb. Trust me. I'm the one that shut her in.
Stefan Salvatore: Did you?
Damon Salvatore: Did I what Stefan?
Stefan Salvatore: Well I know the hold that Katherine has on you.
Damon Salvatore: She's in the tomb. Period. End of story. But she did say some thing to me, right before I shut her in. I thought she was lying.
Stefan Salvatore: What did she say?
Damon Salvatore: Elena's in danger.
Stefan Salvatore: What? And you didn't think to ask her to elaborate?
Damon Salvatore: But everything she says is a lie. How am I supposed to know she start spouting out the truth?

Stefan Salvatore: Call me with whatever you find.
Jeremy Gilbert: No No, I'm coming with you.
Stefan Salvatore: No Jeremy. You're not.
Jeremy Gilbert: I'm not just gonna sit here while she's hurt or worse. What if she's...
Stefan Salvatore: She's not. You two go back to your house incase and I'll call you the minute I find her.
Jeremy Gilbert: Well, you can't do this alone.
Damon Salvatore: [Walks through the door] He's not. Let's go.
Stefan Salvatore: You coming with me?
Damon Salvatore: It's Elena.

Damon Salvatore: Alaric sure likes his weapons. What the hell is that?
Stefan Salvatore: Oh, it's a vervain bomber grenade launcher or something like that.
Damon Salvatore: Weird.

Stefan Salvatore: Thankyou. For helping me.
Damon Salvatore: Can we not do the whole roadtrip bonding thing? The cliche of it all makes me itch.

Stefan Salvatore: Thankyou. For helping me.
Damon Salvatore: Can we not do the whole roadtrip bonding thing? The cliche of it all makes me itch.
Stefan Salvatore: Aww, come on Damon. We both know you being in this car has absolutely nothing to do with me being in this car anyway.
Damon Salvatore: The elephant in the room lets out a mightily roar.

Damon Salvatore: [Takes from behind the his seat of the car a blood bag and starts to drink it] If you want some, just ask.
Stefan Salvatore: I want some.
Damon Salvatore: Aww, that's so sweet. Want to be all big and strong, save your girl. Well, don't worry, I've got your back, you'll be fine.
Stefan Salvatore: I'm not joking. I've been drinking a little everyday and slowly increasing my intake and building up my strength.
[Damon hands him the blood bag]
Damon Salvatore: Elena know you're drinking blood?
Stefan Salvatore: [Hands bag back] I've been drinking hers.
Damon Salvatore: Hmm... how romantic.
[Drinks some blood]

Damon Salvatore: Since we're roadtrip bonding, remember the days when all you lived for was blood? You were the guy who ripped someone apart just for the fun of it.
Stefan Salvatore: You mean, when I was more like you?
Damon Salvatore: Yes Stefan, exactly! Back when you put blood into me so I could be a big, bad vampire. I wonder if Elena would be so quick to open her veins to that guy. Tell me, what happened to that guy 'cause he was a hoot?

Damon Salvatore: Whoever has Elena is probably who is after Katherine in 1864 and before that.
Stefan Salvatore: And?
Damon Salvatore: And it puts them at 500 years old and strong! Are you sure you want to do this?
Stefan Salvatore: Yes I'm certain I want to do it.
Damon Salvatore: 'Cause if we go into that house, we may not come out.
Stefan Salvatore: Alright, then I won't come out.
Damon Salvatore: [Sarcastically] So noble Stefan.

Stefan Salvatore: Hey.
Damon Salvatore: What?
Stefan Salvatore: I'm sorry.
Damon Salvatore: About what?
Stefan Salvatore: For the guy who made you turn 145 years ago.
Damon Salvatore: Enough Stef, it's late. No need to rehatch that.
Stefan Salvatore: You know, I've never said it out loud. I guess I need to say it and you need to hear it. I'm sorry. What I did was selfish and I want to be alone. I guess I just needed my brother.

Damon Salvatore: Cute pj's.
Elena Gilbert: I'm tired Damon.
Damon Salvatore: Brought you this.
[Holds out her necklace]
Elena Gilbert: I thought that was gone. Thankyou.
[about to take necklace but Damon pulls away]
Elena Gilbert: Please give it back.
Damon Salvatore: I just have to say something.
Elena Gilbert: Why do you have to say it with my necklace?
Damon Salvatore: Because what I'm about to say is... probably the most selfish thing I've ever said in my life.
Elena Gilbert: Damon. Don't go there.
Damon Salvatore: I just have to say it once. You just need to hear it. I love you Elena. And it's because I love you that... I can't be selfish with you. And why you can't know this. I don't deserve you... but my brother does.
[Kisses her on her forehead]
Damon Salvatore: God, I wish you didn't have to forget this... but you do.
[Compells her]

Damon Salvatore: I just have to say something.
Elena Gilbert: Why do you have to say it with my necklace?
Damon Salvatore: Because what I'm about to say is probably the most selfish thing that I've ever said in my life. I just have to say it once. You just need to hear it. I love you, Elena. And it's because I love you that I can't be selfish with you, why you can't know this. I don't deserve you, but my brother does. God, I wish that you didn't have to forget this, but you do.

"The Vampire Diaries: Brave New World (#2.2)" (2010)
Damon Salvatore: Are you worried that one day, all the forest animals are gonna band together and fight back? I mean surely they talk.

Damon Salvatore: I like this. You... walking on egg shells around me because you think I'm going to explode. It's very suspensable. Is Elena worried too? I bet I'm your every conversation.
Stefan Salvatore: Have you heard from Katherine?
Damon Salvatore: [Ignoring the question] I think the Lockwood's have a family secret. 'Cause the Gilbert device effected them but vervain didn't, so they're not vampires, they're something else.
Stefan Salvatore: Is this your new obsession?
Damon Salvatore: Oh, you'd rather some unknown supernatural element running rampant in out town, Fine, I'll drop it.
Stefan Salvatore: We haven't seen the last of Katherine. You do know that right? We have no idea what she's up to.
Damon Salvatore: Sure we do. She came back to press her undying eternal love for you. So I'll let you deal with her, 'cause I have more important things to do like... explode.

Damon Salvatore: Jeremy! So good to see you alive.
Jeremy Gilbert: Aren't you a little old for a high school carnival?
Damon Salvatore: A hundred and fifty years too old.
[Takes some of Jeremy's popcorn]

Stefan Salvatore: [Finds Damon watching Tyler have an arm wrestle with a guy] Aha, you're lurking.
Damon Salvatore: [Scoffs] I'm observing.
Stefan Salvatore: More like obsessing.

Tyler Lockwood: [Mason has just beaten him at arm wresting] Who wants to go next?
Damon Salvatore: Wait, Stefan wants to go.
Stefan Salvatore: [Looks at Damon] Yeah sure, I'll... er... give it a shot.
Damon Salvatore: [shouts] Get 'em Stef!

Damon Salvatore: [about the Lockwoods] What is up with that family? If they're not vampires, what the hell are they?
Stefan Salvatore: Oh... urmmm... maybe they're... urmmm... Ninja Turtles.

Damon Salvatore: [He turns around and sees Caroline standing behind him] Oh, hey Blondie. They let you out?
Caroline Forbes: I remember.
Damon Salvatore: What do you remember?
Caroline Forbes: I remember how you manipulated me, you pushed me around, abused me, erased my memories, fed on me.
Damon Salvatore: You're crazy.
Caroline Forbes: Well the memories have been coming back. In pieces.
Damon Salvatore: You can't remember. It's impossible. I mean unless you're were becoming a...
Caroline Forbes: I've got a message from Katherine. She said 'Game On'.
Damon Salvatore: Wait...
[gets pushed by Caroline]
Caroline Forbes: You suck.
[Walks away]

Stefan Salvatore: [about Caroline becoming a vampire] How did this happen?
Damon Salvatore: Well, I fed her blood, Katherine obviously killed her and A plus B equals...

Damon Salvatore: Your silence is deafening Stefan.

Damon Salvatore: Wait. Wasn't there a school carnival the night you staked Vicki? Look at how the town repeats itself.

Bonnie Bennett: I can't believe this is happening.
Damon Salvatore: [Appears holding a shovel] Come on, don't pout about it. Got a body to bury.

Damon Salvatore: [to Jeremy] Look, I don't do the 'Big brother' thing very well, so I haven't got any milk and cookies to offer you.

"The Vampire Diaries: The Night of the Comet (#1.2)" (2009)
Damon Salvatore: [to Stefan] Great gal, she's got spunk. You, on the other hand, look pooped.

Vicki Donovan: I know you.
Damon Salvatore: Well, that's unfortunate.

Elena Gilbert: Stefan never mentioned he had a brother.
Damon Salvatore: Well, Stefan isn't one to brag.

Damon Salvatore: Have you been eating bunnies?

Elena Gilbert: This is your living room?
Damon Salvatore: Living room, parlour... Sotheby's auction.

Stefan Salvatore: How long was Elena here?
Damon Salvatore: Were you worried, Stefan? Afraid we might be doomed to repeat the past? Isn't that why you play your little game "I'm a high school human"?

Damon Salvatore: It's good to be home. I think I might stay awhile. This town could use a bit of a wake up call, don't you think?
Stefan Salvatore: What are you up to, Damon?
Damon Salvatore: That's for me to know and for you to dot dot dot.

Damon Salvatore: You have two choices. You can feed, and make her forget, or you can let her run screaming vampire through the town square.
Stefan Salvatore: That's what this is about? You wanna expose me?
Damon Salvatore: No! I want you to remember who you are!
Stefan Salvatore: Why? So what, so I'll feed, so I'll kill, so I'll remember what it's like to be brothers again? You know what, let her go. Let her tell everyone that vampires have returned to Mystic Falls, let them chain me up and drive a stake through my heart, 'cause then at least I'll be free of you.

Damon Salvatore: That's for me to know and you to dot, dot, dot.

"The Vampire Diaries: Masquerade (#2.7)" (2010)
Damon Salvatore: Here.
[Hands Caroline a glass of blood]
Caroline Forbes: [She takes the glass from Damon] I'm still shaking.
Stefan Salvatore: [He runs into living room where Caroline and Damon are] What happened?
Damon Salvatore: [to Caroline] Go ahead. Tell.
[to Stefan]
Damon Salvatore: You're gonna love this.

Damon Salvatore: [Caroline is babbling on and is side tracking from the point] Skip the teen drama and get to it.

Damon Salvatore: I'm going to go to the Masquerade Ball and I'm gonna kill her. Tonight.
Stefan Salvatore: You're not gonna kill her.
Damon Salvatore: Don't give me that goody goody crap.
Stefan Salvatore: You're not gonna kill her.
Damon Salvatore: Oh really?
Stefan Salvatore: Because I am.
[Damon and Stefan exchange grins]

Damon Salvatore: [Sarcastically] Yeah. Cold feet's a big no and I want this thing going wrong when someone chickens out. Caroline?

Katherine Pierce: The three of us together, just like old times. The brother who loved me too much and the one that didn't love me enough.
Damon Salvatore: And the evil slut vampire who only loved herself.

Katherine Pierce: What happened to you Damon? You used to be so sweet and polite.
Damon Salvatore: Oh that Damon died a looong time ago.

Damon Salvatore: Sorry about your pet wolf. Maybe should have kept him on a tighter leash.

Damon Salvatore: [Damon is in his own word before realising Stefan and Katherine are talking] What are you mumbling about over there?

Katherine Pierce: [Sees Damon pouring scotch into a glass] I'll have one of those.
Damon Salvatore: [High voice] Right away Miss Katherine.

"The Vampire Diaries: Memory Lane (#2.4)" (2010)
Damon Salvatore: [Jenna gives Damon her shot glass. Everyone leaves but Mason] She doesn't like me very much.
Mason Lockwood: We haven't met. Mason Lockwood.
[He offers his hand to Damon]
Damon Salvatore: [Damon takes Mason's hand before letting go] Oh sure hey, Damon Salvatore.
Mason Lockwood: [Smiles ] I know. Heard great things about you.
Damon Salvatore: [Looks surprised] Really? That's weird. 'Cuz I'm a dick.

Elena Gilbert: [Damon just appears] What do you want?
Damon Salvatore: So this is where you spend your time when you're not stabbing people in the back.
Elena Gilbert: I tricked you into telling the truth. That's not stabbing you in the back. It's using your own tactics against you.
Damon Salvatore: Where are you going?
Elena Gilbert: I've made myself clear Damon, I want nothing to do with you.
[Leaves the table]
Damon Salvatore: Ok. See you at Jenna's barbecue.
Elena Gilbert: [Turns around surprised] How do you know about Jenna's barbecue?
Damon Salvatore: It was my idea. Jenna went to high school together with Mason Lockwood, so I figured a social gathering would be a good way to get to know the guy. So I told Rick to tell Jenna and...
Elena Gilbert: Does Jenna know you're going to be there? 'Cause she's not exactly a fan of yours.
Damon Salvatore: [to waitress with Damon's Peach Combo] Perfect. Thankyou.
[to Elena]
Damon Salvatore: I'm hoping this Peach Combo will pave the way.
[Gets up from table]
Elena Gilbert: What are you up to?
Damon Salvatore: I'm gonna put some silver into Mason Lockwood and prove that he's a werewolf. See you at the barbecue.

Jenna Sommers: Dress. Ballerina.
Caroline Forbes: Puppy... Puppy... Puppy with a tutu.
Damon Salvatore: No.
Jenna Sommers: Puppy... Dog... Hound dog... something about a hound dog.
Mason Lockwood: Dances with wolves
Damon Salvatore: Mason wins. Again.
Jenna Sommers: How is that a wolf?

Damon Salvatore: Aunt Jenna is getting tipsy.
Elena Gilbert: Will you stop plying her with alcohol?

Damon Salvatore: Thank you so much for inviting me.
Jenna Sommers: Did I have a choice?
Damon Salvatore: I know what you must think about me...
Jenna Sommers: No you don't. you have never dated you. I have dated many yous.
Damon Salvatore: Well... I'm a working progress.

Jenna Sommers: Mason was a catch. He had girls lining up.
Damon Salvatore: [to Mason] Really? Huh, I pegged you for a lone wolf.
Mason Lockwood: I'm sure I wasn't half the lady killer you were.

Mason Lockwood: Jenna just brought out guitar hero. Might be time to mutiny.
Damon Salvatore: Well I just happen to like guitar hero. So you my friend, you are barking up the wrong tree.
Mason Lockwood: Ok. Enough with the innuendoes. You win. You're hilarious.
Damon Salvatore: Thank you.

Mason Lockwood: There was confusion. I could chain myself up in time. I have no control once I shift.
Damon Salvatore: Aww. No obedience school?

"The Vampire Diaries: Children of the Damned (#1.13)" (2010)
Damon Salvatore: If I see something I haven't seen before I'll throw a dollar at it.

Damon Salvatore: [about Stefan] There was a time that I trusted him more than anyone.
Elena Gilbert: Trust breeds trust. You have to give it to get it.
Damon Salvatore: Are you lecturing me?
Elena Gilbert: Do you need to be lectured?
Damon Salvatore: [referring to Katherine] I just want her back. I'm sure you can understand that.
Elena Gilbert: I can understand that you would do anything for her, yes.
Damon Salvatore: Then you understand what I will do if anyone gets in my way.

[Damon threatens to hurt Elena unless Stefan gives him their father's journal]
Stefan Salvatore: You won't kill her.
Damon Salvatore: [forces Elena to drink his blood] I can do one better. Give me the book, Stefan, or I'm snapping her neck, and you and I will have a vampire girlfriend.

Elena Gilbert: [referring to the plan to open the tomb] Since when am I helping?
Damon Salvatore: Well, Stefan's helping, and you've taken up residence in Stefan's bed. Ergo...

[Jeremy's cell phone rings; he doesn't answer]
Damon Salvatore: Who are you dodging?
Jeremy Gilbert: This girl, Anna. She can be, uh... persistent.
Damon Salvatore: Is she hot?
Jeremy Gilbert: Yeah... yeah, but she can be weird.
Damon Salvatore: Hot trumps weird... trust me.

Damon Salvatore: [to Stefan and Elena, when they have agreed to help Damon with his plan] You know, I really like this whole menage-a-threesome team thing. It's got a bit of a kink to it. Don't screw it up!

[after Katherine drains her victims' blood in front of Damon]
Damon Salvatore: What happens to the bodies?
Katherine Pierce: I'll take them into the woods and the other animals will finish them off.

Damon Salvatore: If I see something I haven't seen before, I'll throw a dollar at it.

"The Vampire Diaries: 1912 (#3.16)" (2012)
Damon Salvatore: Well, I guess I could rip out Dr. False-Accusation's throat. Or maybe her tongue. I could chew it up into tiny pieces and feed it to the squirrels.
[imitates squirrel eating]

Damon Salvatore: I saved your life last night.
Damon Salvatore: You're welcome.

Damon Salvatore: Dear Diary, a chipmunk asked me my name today. I told him it was Joe. That lie will haunt me forever.

Stefan Salvatore: What do you want?
Damon Salvatore: I was hoping we could hang. You know, a little brother bonding. I mean, I know we don't actually "hang out." We team up, we join forces, we activate our Wonder Twin Powers...

Damon Salvatore: Hey, do you remember when we came back for Zachariah's funeral?
Stefan Salvatore: Vaguely. Why?
Damon Salvatore: Because if memory serves, he wasn't the first Founders' Council member killed that year, or even that month.
Stefan Salvatore: Your point being?
Damon Salvatore: I'm trying to remember what year it was.
Stefan Salvatore: 1912.
Damon Salvatore: So much for "Vaguely."

Elena Gilbert: You know, you could show a little compassion about Bonnie.
Damon Salvatore: [sighs] I know. You're right. Her and her mom must be really hurting right now. Should I send lasagna?

Elena Gilbert: Ok, now you're just being mean.
Damon Salvatore: I'm mean. You hate me. The Earth is back on its axis.
Elena Gilbert: You know, if you keep pushing people away, you're going to end up alone.

"The Vampire Diaries: Under Control (#1.18)" (2010)
Stefan Salvatore: You know, I liked you better when you hated everybody.
Damon Salvatore: Oh I still do, I just love that they love me.

Damon Salvatore: You wanna hear the bad news, or the really bad news?
Stefan Salvatore: Actually, I don't want any news Damon.
Damon Salvatore: Okay, let me rephrase. Do you want to hear how the council is back in vampire mode, or how I just killed Uncle John Gilbert?
Stefan Salvatore: What?
Damon Salvatore: Great party by the way, huh?

Damon Salvatore: Have I entered an alternate universe where Stefan is fun?

Elena Gilbert: Oh, good. You're here.
Damon Salvatore: You ask, I come. I'm easy like that.

Damon Salvatore: No, Elena, I will not go to your bedroom with you.
[Jeremy rolls his eyes]

Damon Salvatore: [Entering Elena's bedroom] Ah. Just like I remembered.
Elena Gilbert: Stop messing around.
Damon Salvatore: [Flops down on Elena's bed and begins playing with her teddy bear] You know, did you know that your uncle's been kicking it with the founder's council?
Elena Gilbert: What?
Damon Salvatore: Yep.
Elena Gilbert: Perfect. We'll just add it to the growing list of how everything's falling apart.
Damon Salvatore: [Pointing with teddy bear's arm] What happened right there?
Elena Gilbert: Uh, nothing.
[Damon give suspicious look]
Elena Gilbert: Look, Damon, I'm worried about Stefan. He says that everything's ok, but he's clearly struggling. How long is it going to take before he's back to normal?
Damon Salvatore: [Still playing with teddy and lounging on Elena's bed] A few days, give or take.
Elena Gilbert: It's been a few days.
Damon Salvatore: Give, then. I don't know. What's the big deal?
[Gets up and hands teddy to Elena]
Elena Gilbert: He's not himself, Damon.
Damon Salvatore: [Digging through Elena's drawers] Well, maybe his problem is he's spent too long not being himself.
[Pulls a bra from Elena's dresser and examines it]
Elena Gilbert: [Taking bra away from Damon and returning it, closing drawer] Please don't make me sorry for asking you.
Damon Salvatore: [Snatches photo from Elena's mirror] It is what it is, Elena. The Stefan you know is "Good-behavior Stefan." "Rein-it-in Stefan." "Fight-against-his-nature-to-an-annoyingly-obsessive-level Stefan." But if you think there's not another part to this, then you have not been paying attention.
Elena Gilbert: [Taking back picture] He's not you. Not even close.
Damon Salvatore: Well, he doesn't want to be me, but that doesn't mean, deep down, that he's not.
[Approaches Elena and smirks]
Damon Salvatore: Mm-hm.
[Walks away]

Stefan Salvatore: I'm gonna go find Elena.
Damon Salvatore: Don't embarrass me, young man.

"The Vampire Diaries: Haunted (#1.7)" (2009)
Tyler Lockwood: Screw you, dude.
Damon Salvatore: Dude? Really? Dude?

Elena Gilbert: [about Jeremy] Can you make him forget?
Stefan Salvatore: Elena...
Elena Gilbert: Stefan, please. I don't know how he'll ever get past this. I just want him to forget everything that happened.
Stefan Salvatore: If I did it, there's no guarantee that it would work... because of who I am, because of how I live. I don't have the ability to do it right.
Damon Salvatore: I can do it. If this is what you want. I'll do it.

Vicki Donovan: Why did you do it?
Damon Salvatore: I was... bored.
Vicki Donovan: You did this to me out of boredom?
Damon Salvatore: It's one of the pitfalls of eternity.

Elena Gilbert: Is Stefan here?
Damon Salvatore: Yep.
Elena Gilbert: Where is he?
Damon Salvatore: And good morning to you, little Miss I'm-On-A-Mission.
Elena Gilbert: How can you be so arrogant and glib after everything that you've done?
Damon Salvatore: And how you can you be so brave and stupid to call a vampire arrogant and glib?

Damon Salvatore: Your life is pathetic. Your after-life doesn't have to be.

Damon Salvatore: [to Elena when she discovers the body of Vicki] You confuse me for someone with remorse.

Damon Salvatore: Snatch, eat, erase.

"The Vampire Diaries: Bloodlines (#1.11)" (2010)
Stefan Salvatore: [Damon on Elena's phone that Stefan has called] Yeah, I don't think she wants to talk to you right now
Damon Salvatore: Damon, I swear if you touch her...
Stefan Salvatore: You have a good day now, bye bye.
[hangs up on Stefan]

Elena Gilbert: Am I going to be safe with you?
Damon Salvatore: Yes.
Elena Gilbert: Will you promise not to do that mind control thing with me?
Damon Salvatore: Yes.
Elena Gilbert: Can I trust you?
Damon Salvatore: Get in the car. C'mon.

Elena Gilbert: Let's just say that I'm descended from Katherine, does that make me part vampire?
Damon Salvatore: Vampires can't procreate... but we love to try. No. If, if you were related, that would mean that Katherine had a child before she was turned.
Elena Gilbert: Did Stefan think that he could use me to replace her?
Damon Salvatore: It's kinda creepy if you ask me.

Damon Salvatore: You okay?
Elena Gilbert: Don't pretend to care. I know you're gloating inside.

Damon Salvatore: It's not like we all hang out together at the vamp bar and grill.

Elena Gilbert: This is kidnapping.
Damon Salvatore: That's a little melodramatic, don't you think?
Elena Gilbert: You're not funny.

"The Vampire Diaries: 162 Candles (#1.8)" (2009)
Damon Salvatore: What an unexpected surprise.
Lexi: Unexpected surprise? I think the wrong brother went back to high school.

Damon Salvatore: I have a diabolical master plan.
Lexi: What is it?
Damon Salvatore: Well if I told you, it wouldn't be very diabolical, now would it?

Damon Salvatore: Stefan smiles. Alert the media!

Damon Salvatore: Why are you so mean to me?
Lexi: Uh, have you met you? You're not a nice person.
Damon Salvatore: Because I'm a vampire.
Lexi: But you're only the bad parts.
Damon Salvatore: [teasing] Teach me to be good.

Damon Salvatore: Stefan smiles, alert the media.

"The Vampire Diaries: Pilot (#1.1)" (2009)
Stefan Salvatore: Crow's a bit much, don't you think?
Damon Salvatore: Wait till you see what I can do with the fog.

Damon Salvatore: When was the last time you had something bigger than a squirrel?

Damon Salvatore: I was impressed. I'll give it a six. Missing style, but I was pleasantly surprised. Very good with the whole face thing, it was good.
Stefan Salvatore: It's all fun and games, huh Damon? But wherever you go, people die.
Damon Salvatore: That's a given.
Stefan Salvatore: Not here, I won't allow it.
Damon Salvatore: I take that as an invitation.
Stefan Salvatore: Damon, please, after all these years, can't we just give it a rest.
Damon Salvatore: I promised you an eternity of misery, so I'm just keeping my word.

Damon Salvatore: Your hairs different, I like it
Damon Salvatore: It's been 15 years, Damon
Damon Salvatore: Thank god! Couldn't take another day of the 90's. That horrible grunge look did not suit you. Remember Stefan, it's important to stay away from fads
Stefan Salvatore: What are you doing here?
Damon Salvatore: I missed my little brother
Stefan Salvatore: You hate small towns, they're boring there's nothing for you to do
Damon Salvatore: I've been keeping myself busy
Stefan Salvatore: You left that girl alive tonight. That was very careless of you
Damon Salvatore: Yeah, that could be a problem... for you

Damon Salvatore: Tell me: when was the last time you had something stronger than a squirrel?

"The Vampire Diaries: The Turning Point (#1.10)" (2009)
Damon Salvatore: You have to be invited in.
Logan Fell: I live alone.
Damon Salvatore: That sucks.

Damon Salvatore: I don't side with anyone. You piss me off. I want you dead.

Damon Salvatore: I was ambushed. I was shot. Now, I'm vengeful.

Damon Salvatore: We're a team. We could travel the world together. We could try out for The Amazing Race!

Stefan Salvatore: You don't have any friends, Damon.
Damon Salvatore: You're right, Stefan. I only have you.

"The Vampire Diaries: The End of the Affair (#3.3)" (2011)
Damon Salvatore: It came to me in a dream. I was naked. You would have loved it.

Damon Salvatore: You know you were dreaming about me. Explains the drool.

Damon Salvatore: It came to me in a dream. I was naked, you'd have loved it.

Damon Salvatore: I'm shocked! Stefan's not a virgin?

Elena Gilbert: Where were you in the 1920's? Paving the way for women's liberation?
Damon Salvatore: I was around. Chicago's a big city. Stefan was a cocky ripper douche. But i could avoid him and still indulge in a few Daisy Buchanan's of my own.
Elena Gilbert: Ugh. Where are you going?
Damon Salvatore: His old stomping ground.
Elena Gilbert: I'm coming with you!
Damon Salvatore: No. You stay here and whip an actual plan. I'll come back when I find him.

"The Vampire Diaries: Friday Night Bites (#1.3)" (2009)
Damon Salvatore: How were tryouts? You make the team? Very Emerson, the way you reveal your soul with so many... adjectives.
Stefan Salvatore: What are you doing here?
Damon Salvatore: I've come to apologize. I've been doing some thinking, some soul searching and I want us to start over. We need to put the past behind us. You're my little brother, and if you wanna live a normal happy human life, then I want that for you. Maybe I can do it too, that I can learn to be a non-living, living person. Maybe there's hope for both of us.
[He laughs after a pause]
Stefan Salvatore: You know it doesn't have to be this way Damon
Damon Salvatore: Course it doesn't. I saw Elena today, BTW - that means by the way. She was at cheerleading practice, she looked so perky in her little short shorts. Simmer down, I didn't go near her. I've got my own cheerleader now. Oh, that reminds me I've gotta run, got a date. Sweaty palms, wish me luck.

Damon Salvatore: I like you, you know how to laugh and you make Stefan smile which is something I haven't seen in a very long time.
Elena Gilbert: Earlier... did you mean Katherine? How did she die?
Damon Salvatore: Fire, tragic fire.
Elena Gilbert: Recently?
Damon Salvatore: Seems like it was yesterday.
Elena Gilbert: What was she like?
Damon Salvatore: She was beautiful, a lot like you in that department. She was also very complicated and selfish and at times not very kind but very sexy and seductive.
Elena Gilbert: So, which one of you dated her first?
Damon Salvatore: Nicely deduced. Ask Stefan, I'm sure his answer differs from mine.

Matt Donovan: You going to be able to play?
Stefan Salvatore: Oh, yeah, I'm good.
Matt Donovan: What you did back there, you had Jeremy's back.
Stefan Salvatore: He's a messed up kid, somebody's gotta look out for him.
Matt Donovan: I know. This week at practice I was a dick.
Stefan Salvatore: You had your reasons.
Matt Donovan: No excuse. Good luck, we're lucky to have you.
[Matt and Stefan shake hands and Matt walks away]
Damon Salvatore: Isn't that nice. Stefan joins a team and makes a friend. It's all so Rah-Rah, go team!
Stefan Salvatore: Not tonight, I'm done with you.

Damon Salvatore: Nice trick with Elena. Let me guess, vervain in the necklace. I admit I was a bit surprised, it's been a while for anyone to resist my compulsion. Where'd you get it?
Stefan Salvatore: Does it matter?
Damon Salvatore: Guess I could seduce her the old fashion way or I could just... eat her.
Stefan Salvatore: No, you're not going to hurt her, Damon.
Damon Salvatore: No?
Stefan Salvatore: Because deep down inside there is a part of you that feels for her. I was worried that you had no humanity left inside you, that you had actually become that monster you pretend to be.
Damon Salvatore: Who's pretending?
Stefan Salvatore: Then kill me.
Damon Salvatore: Well, I'm tempted.
Stefan Salvatore: No, your not. You've had life times to do it and yet here I am, I'm still alive and there you are. You're still haunting me after 145 years. Katherine is dead and you hate me because you loved her, and you torture me because you still so. And that, my brother, is your humanity.

Damon Salvatore: It's all so 'Rah, rah! Go team! Yeah!

"The Vampire Diaries: Let the Right One In (#1.17)" (2010)
Stefan Salvatore: I gotta get my strength back up.
Damon Salvatore: I have two liters of soccer mom in the fridge. No?
Stefan Salvatore: We'll talk when I get back?
Damon Salvatore: All right. Give my regards to the squirrels.

Damon Salvatore: [about Pearl] She's gonna help me get Katherine back.
Elena Gilbert: Of course she is. Damon gets what he wants, as usual, no matter who he hurts in the process.
Damon Salvatore: You don't have to be snarky about it.
Elena Gilbert: I woke up this morning to learn that all the vampires have been released from the tomb. I've earned snarky.
Damon Salvatore: How long are you going to blame me for turning your birth mother into a vampire?
Elena Gilbert: I'm not blaming you, Damon. I've accepted the fact that you're a self-serving psychopath with no redeeming qualities.
Damon Salvatore: [sarcastic] Ouch.

Damon Salvatore: Teacher by day, vampire hunter by night.
Alaric Saltzman: I have you to thank for that.

Damon Salvatore: If I had a good side, not a good way to get on it.

"The Vampire Diaries: Family Ties (#1.4)" (2009)
Damon Salvatore: What's so special about this Bella girl? Edward's so wipped.
Caroline Forbes: You have to read the first book first, otherwise it won't make sense.
Damon Salvatore: Uh, I miss Ann Rice, she was so on it.
Caroline Forbes: Hey, how come you don't sparkle?
Damon Salvatore: Because I live in the real world where vampires burn in the sun.
Caroline Forbes: Yeah, but you go in the sun.
Damon Salvatore: I have a ring, it protects me. It's complicated.

Damon Salvatore: [after Stefan stabbed him through the t-shirt] This is John Varvatos, dude. Dick move.

Caroline Forbes: Why don't you sparkle?
Damon Salvatore: Because I live in the real world where vampires burn in the sun.

Damon Salvatore: [looks at shirt] This is John Varvatos, dude. Dick move.

"The Vampire Diaries: The Birthday (#3.1)" (2011)
Alaric Saltzman: I am every parent's worst nightmare. I'm the chaperone teacher from hell.
Damon Salvatore: I love high school parties.
Alaric Saltzman: Isn't Andie supposed to be coming?
Damon Salvatore: 10:00 broadcast. She'll be here in a little bit.
[to Elena]
Damon Salvatore: Hello, birthday girl.
Elena Gilbert: Drink.
[takes Damon's glass]
Elena Gilbert: Jeremy's smoking again.
Damon Salvatore: Is his stash any good?
Elena Gilbert: You're an ass.
[to Alaric]
Elena Gilbert: Talk to him, please. He looks up to you.
Damon Salvatore: [to Alaric] You're screwed.

Alaric Saltzman: Ohhh... Vampire for sure.
Damon Salvatore: It's Stefan for sure.
Alaric Saltzman: How do you know?
Damon Salvatore: It's his signature. There is a reason they called him the ripper. He feeds so hard he blacks out, rips them apart, but then when he's done, he feels remorse. It's the damnedest thing. He puts the bodies back together.

Damon Salvatore: Andie wants me to pick her up.
Alaric Saltzman: Your fake, compelled girlfriend wants you to be a chivalrous boyfriend?
Damon Salvatore: Well, it's a complicated dynamic. Hold the fort down, will you?
Alaric Saltzman: You mean the fort full of my drunk history students?
Damon Salvatore: Drink more. It'll feel less weird.

Elena Gilbert: All summer, every single time I came to you with a lead, you made me feel like an idiot for having hope.
Damon Salvatore: You were an idiot. We both were.
Elena Gilbert: Tell me what you know, Damon.
Damon Salvatore: I know you need to get back to your party, Elena.
Elena Gilbert: We're supposed to be in this together. Why didn't you tell me you've been tracking Klaus' victims?
Damon Salvatore: Because they're not Klaus' victims, Elena, they're Stefan's!
Elena Gilbert: What?
Damon Salvatore: He's left a trail of body parts up and down on the eastern seaboard.
Elena Gilbert: No. You're wrong.
Damon Salvatore: I've seen it happen before. He's flipped the switch, full blown ripper.
Elena Gilbert: Stop it, Damon.
Damon Salvatore: No, you stop it, Elena! Stop looking for him. Stop waiting for him to come home. Just stop! Stefan is gone and he's not coming back. Not in your lifetime.

"The Vampire Diaries: You're Undead to Me (#1.5)" (2009)
Damon Salvatore: I'm not some drunk sorority chick. You can't rufie me.

Stefan Salvatore: During the Dark Ages, when a vampire's actions threatened to expose or bring harm upon the entire race, he would face judgement. They sought to reeducate them rather than to punish them.
Damon Salvatore: You know what will happen if I don't feed on blood.
Stefan Salvatore: You'll grow weaker and weaker, and eventually you won't be able to move or speak. In a week, your skin will desiccate, and you'll mummify. A living corpse, unable to hurt anyone... ever.
Damon Salvatore: So what, you just going to just leave me in the basement... forever?
Stefan Salvatore: I've injected you with enough vervain to keep you weak. Once your circulation stops, I'll move you to the family crypt, and in a 150 years we can reevaluate.

Damon Salvatore: [Stefan has locked Damon up] You won. Now nothing can come between you and Elena. Except the truth. The lies catch up to you, the longer you keep lying to yourself about who you are.
Stefan Salvatore: The beauty of you in there and me out here... is that I can walk away.

Zach Salvatore: You don't visit, Damon... You appear. Periodically. Reminding me that this isn't my house, that you're only allowing me to live here... allowing me to live.
Damon Salvatore: Someone had to mow the lawn.

"The Vampire Diaries: Kill or Be Killed (#2.5)" (2010)
Damon Salvatore: [Appears behind Stefan] What are you doing?
Stefan Salvatore: Negotiating peace on your behalf.
Damon Salvatore: But I don't want peace!
Stefan Salvatore: Well, consider it opposite then.
Damon Salvatore: Stefan. Please tell me you don't seriously think a handshake just solved our problem?
Stefan Salvatore: No actually, I think that the first chance Mason Lockwood gets he's going to drive a stake through your heart... and then through mine, all because you took it upon yourself to try and kill him. So thank you, because we don't have enough problems!

Damon Salvatore: [Watching Elena and Stefan 'argue'] Relationships are about communication.

Damon Salvatore: Hello Mason. Working hard?
Mason Lockwood: Doing my part.
Damon Salvatore: I heard you talked to Stefan.
Mason Lockwood: Nice guy.
Damon Salvatore: Yeah. a *lot* nicer than me.
Mason Lockwood: Well, nice is overrated.
Damon Salvatore: That's what I think.

Elena Gilbert: [Damon is about to speak as he walks into the room] Caroline's sleeping on the couch.
Damon Salvatore: I heard. And you?
Elena Gilbert: I'm going home.
[Walks past Damon and to the front door]
Elena Gilbert: What you did for Caroline's mom... that's the Damon who was my friend.
[Opens the door and is about to leave]
Damon Salvatore: Hey. Stefan didn't drink the people blood. If you're curious... but he needs to... and deep down you know that.
[Elena and Damon look at each other before he walks away]

"The Vampire Diaries: Katerina (#2.9)" (2010)
Damon Salvatore: [to Rose] I was shaking. You've made your point.

Damon Salvatore: [Whispers to Rose about Elena] She's in denial.
Stefan Salvatore: Shut up Damon.

Damon Salvatore: Alright Rosebud, I need some answers!

Damon Salvatore: Please don't tell me you're crying cause your buddy trevor lost his head?

"The Vampire Diaries: The Murder of One (#3.18)" (2012)
Stefan Salvatore: We need to keep Klaus separate and occupied. Caroline?
Caroline Forbes: Why do I always have to be Klaus bait?
Damon Salvatore: Because he's obsessed with you.

Damon Salvatore: No last minute attacks of pity for any of them.
Elena Gilbert: Don't worry about me. Not after what happened to Bonnie's mom.
Damon Salvatore: Barbie?
Caroline Forbes: Oh, I'm ready. Anything that will free Tyler from his sire bond to Klaus.
Damon Salvatore: Lost boy?
Matt Donovan: Do I have a choice?
Damon Salvatore: Good point.

Alaric Saltzman: [Damon is hiding his stake in the firewood] I mean, did you learn nothing from the moonstone in the soap dish?
Damon Salvatore: Why? Where'd you put yours?

"The Vampire Diaries: Our Town (#3.11)" (2012)
Damon Salvatore: Alright, Klaus has 6 siblings. Rebekah is now with Klaus. There was one dead kid in the old world, one dead kid in the new world, which leaves Elijah and two others. Three sleeping originals, four coffins. So, who is in the locked box?
Stefan Salvatore: No idea. But whatever is in there, Bonnie seems to think will help us kill Klaus. So, the sooner she can get this open, the sooner we will know if she's right.
Damon Salvatore: [doubtful] Oh, you think the spirits of a bunch of dead witches that can make the coffins invisible would have figured out how to open one.

Damon Salvatore: Oh, please don't tell me you're gonna drink the Klaus Kool-Aid.
Sheriff Liz Forbes: I'm not gonna let him hold this town hostage. But, I'm also not gonna let innocent people get caught in the cross-fire in a pissing contest between a hybrid and a vampire.
Sheriff Liz Forbes: Liz, I'm impressed, you're all strong and sheriff-y.
Sheriff Liz Forbes: I'm not kidding, Damon. Get Stefan to stand down from this one before someone gets hurt.

Damon Salvatore: You know, Stefan won this round for us today. He pushed Klaus to the edge and Klaus blinked.
Elena Gilbert: Well, his methods sucked!
Damon Salvatore: Still, we needed it. Klaus has been calling all the shots, and Stefan beat him at his own game. He was the better villain.
Elena Gilbert: Don't sound so impressed.
Damon Salvatore: [smiling a bit] Well, I can't help but be a little proud.

"The Vampire Diaries: The Last Dance (#2.18)" (2011)
Damon Salvatore: You need to listen to me and prepare for what I'm about to say. Bonnie had to die. Klaus using Alaric's body was a total surprise. She wasn't prepared for that. And he wasn't going to stop and we weren't going to be able to stop him until he knew she was dead. He had to believe it. She cast a spell, Bonnie's okay.

Elena Gilbert: Let's get one thing straight Damon. Bonnie will not die for me, I will not let that happen.
Damon Salvatore: We need to kill Klaus, Elena. Real Klaus. Who will probably come pay you a visit soon, now that he knows that Bonnie's dead. She's the only one who can do it.

Damon Salvatore: Let me be clear about something. If it comes down to you and the witch again, I will gladly let Bonnie die. I will always choose you.

"The Vampire Diaries: Unpleasantville (#1.12)" (2010)
Stefan Salvatore: He posed as a pizza delivery boy last night.
Damon Salvatore: Well, he gets points for that.

Damon Salvatore: I think we need a fresh start.
Bonnie Bennett: You tried to kill me.
Damon Salvatore: But I didn't. And if I wanted to I would have. Does that not count for anything?
Bonnie Bennett: You know I can start fires with my mind. Fires kill vampires, right? Just stay the hell away from me!

Stefan Salvatore: I'm talking about Atlanta.
Damon Salvatore: Oh yeah. Elena and I had a blast!
Stefan Salvatore: I get it, you're just bitter because one of us gets to be with the person we love and poor Katherine is just out of reach. Unless there's another way to get to the tomb. Is that what Bree said?
Damon Salvatore: You're pathetic when your fishing.
Stefan Salvatore: And you're transparent when you're deflecting.

"The Vampire Diaries: The More You Ignore Me, the Closer I Get (#6.6)" (2014)
Damon Salvatore: [to Elena, through the door] You have no idea how long I wanted to hear you breathe.

Damon Salvatore: [to Stefan] Well you didn't think I was gone 'gone', I promised you an eternity of misery.

Damon Salvatore: My best friend compelled my beautiful and lovely girlfriend to forget that she ever loved me.

"The Vampire Diaries: The Sun Also Rises (#2.21)" (2011)
Katherine Pierce: One hundred and forty-five years and no last goodbye?
Damon Salvatore: You don't get a goodbye.
Katherine Pierce: Don't-don't leave mad.
Damon Salvatore: Us ending up on good terms is not exactly on my bucket list, Katherine.
Katherine Pierce: Klaus made me call Jenna to lure her out, there was nothing I could do, I didn't have a choice.
Damon Salvatore: That's why I gave you the vervain, so you *had* a choice.
Katherine Pierce: It was her or me, I chose her.
Damon Salvatore: I helped you, you owed me. Now when Klaus dies, you're going to walk out of here without a scratch, and Elena's aunt dies. Sometimes you're the only one that wins, how'd that happen?
Katherine Pierce: I didn't let love get in the way.
Damon Salvatore: Enjoy eternity alone, Katherine.

Damon Salvatore: Her soul? Really? You're going to put some faith in some act of God mumbo jumbo?
John Gilbert: I refuse to let Elena become the thing I spent my life protecting her against, and you can call that God, or mystical energy, or whatever you want, but yes, I'm putting my faith in it.

John Gilbert: You ruined her life. You know that, right?
Damon Salvatore: I know that, John. I took her choices, destroyed her future, I get that.

"The Vampire Diaries: Ghost World (#3.7)" (2011)
Damon Salvatore: How can you know so much?
Mason Lockwood: There's not much to do on the other side but sit around and watch other people screw things up.

Damon Salvatore: Greeting, Blondie... Witchie. I think you got your voodoo wires all crossed when you got rid of Vicki Donovan.
Bonnie Bennett: What do you mean? Why?
Damon Salvatore: Because I'm pretty sure I just got spit-roasted by Mason Lockwood's ghost.
Bonnie Bennett: What?
Caroline Forbes: And why would you think that?
Damon Salvatore: Maybe because he chained me to a chair and shoved a hot poker in my chest. Let's just say I'm having deja vu.
Caroline Forbes: I thought you said ghosts couldn't physically interact with people.
Bonnie Bennett: They can't.
Damon Salvatore: Yeah, well, I don't have time for a vengeful Lockwood. When I kill someone, they're supposed to stay dead. Whatever you screwed up, fix it.

"The Vampire Diaries: As I Lay Dying (#2.22)" (2011)
Damon Salvatore: This is even more pitiful than I thought.
Elena Gilbert: There's still hope.
Damon Salvatore: I've made a lot of choices that have gotten me here. I deserve this. I deserve to die.
Elena Gilbert: [Elena moves to lay by Damon and hold his hand] No. You don't.
Damon Salvatore: I do, Elena. It's ok. 'Cause if I'd have chosen differently, I wouldn't have met you. I'm so sorry. I've done so many things to hurt you.
Elena Gilbert: It's ok. I forgive you.
Damon Salvatore: I know you love Stefan. And it will always be Stefan.
[Elena lays down on Damon]
Damon Salvatore: But I love you. You should know that.
Elena Gilbert: [Crying] I do.
Damon Salvatore: You should have met me in 1864. You would have liked me.
Elena Gilbert: I like you now. Just the way you are.
[She leans in and kisses Damon on the lips]
Damon Salvatore: Thank you.
Elena Gilbert: You're welcome.

Damon Salvatore: You should want me dead. I'm the reason Jenna got killed.
Alaric Saltzman: I don't blame you for Jenna.
Damon Salvatore: Oh sure you do. Let's not forget I turned your wife into a vampire. You must really hate me for that one.
Alaric Saltzman: Ok give me your glass. Neither one of us is drunk enough for this conversation.

"The Vampire Diaries: A Few Good Men (#1.15)" (2010)
Damon Salvatore: [sitting down at the bar, next to Alaric] Behold the teacher. Don't you have some papers to grade?
Alaric Saltzman: It's, uh, more fun with a buzz.
Damon Salvatore: Well, most things in life are. Sober's... depressing.

Stefan Salvatore: There was a woman you may have known a few years back named Isobel. In North Carolina, at Duke.
Damon Salvatore: You want to discuss the women of my past right now, seriously?
Stefan Salvatore: You killed her.
Damon Salvatore: What's your point?
Stefan Salvatore: I just want to know if you remember anything about her.
Damon Salvatore: It's like a needle in a haystack, Stefan.
Stefan Salvatore: Well think hard, it's important.
Damon Salvatore: [whispers in Stefan's ear] Nothing is important... not anymore.

"The Vampire Diaries: Lost Girls (#1.6)" (2009)
Vicki Donovan: Why don't you have a girlfriend? You're like totally cool and so hot.
Damon Salvatore: I know.
Vicki Donovan: Don't you wanna be in love?
Damon Salvatore: I've been in love. It's painful and pointless and overrated.
Vicki Donovan: Except when it isn't.

Damon Salvatore: I'm getting really bored and really impatient; and I don't do bored and impatient.

"The Vampire Diaries: Fool Me Once (#1.14)" (2010)
Damon Salvatore: [to Elena] I didn't compel you in Atlanta because we were having fun. I wanted it to be real. I'm trusting you. Don't make me regret it.

Stefan Salvatore: [trying to find where Anna took Elena] Please, just tell me what you know. It's Elena, Damon. If you know something, tell me!
Damon Salvatore: I mean this sincerely: I hope Elena dies.

"The Vampire Diaries: The Hybrid (#3.2)" (2011)
Elena Gilbert: You've been dodging my calls.
Damon Salvatore: Busy day. Dead fake girlfriend and all.

Elena Gilbert: Yes, I worry about you, why do you even have to hear me say it?
Damon Salvatore: Because when I drag my brother from the edge and deliver him back to you I want you to remember the things you felt while he was gone. Good night Elena.

"The Vampire Diaries: The Reckoning (#3.5)" (2011)
Damon Salvatore: I'm going back.
Katherine Pierce: You're gonna get yourself killed! The Damon I remember wouldn't have been that stupid.
Damon Salvatore: I wouldn't have done it for you.

Elena Gilbert: Where were you, Damon?
Damon Salvatore: I shouldn't have left. I promise you, I will never leave you again.

"The Vampire Diaries: Miss Mystic Falls (#1.19)" (2010)
Damon Salvatore: You spent the last century and a half being the poster child for Prozac. Now you want me to believe this new you has nothing to do with human blood?

Damon Salvatore: You seem awful chipper lately. Less doom and gloom, more pep in your step.

"The Vampire Diaries: The Departed (#3.22)" (2012)
Damon Salvatore: You want a love that consumes you. You want passion and adventure, and even a little danger... I want you to get everything you're looking for.

Jeremy Gilbert: [over the phone] I took her to the hospital. When you find your sister unconscious, you call 911.
Damon Salvatore: Not when you have a parade of vampires at your disposal.
Stefan Salvatore: Every remaining Original is gonna want Elena dead to stop Alaric. She's a sitting duck in there.
Jeremy Gilbert: Well, Meredith wants to keep her here for observation.
Damon Salvatore: Jeremy, get Elena home. We're on our way.

"The Vampire Diaries: The Five (#4.4)" (2012)
Elena Gilbert: Are you sure that you're okay with this?
Bonnie Bennett: If I could spell you out of wanting blood, I would, but I can't, so better you learn this now than at freshman orientation.
Elena Gilbert: Something tells me that college isn't in my future anymore.
Damon Salvatore: Oh, stop with the pity party. If I can go to college, you can go to college.
Bonnie Bennett: You went to college?
Damon Salvatore: Sure. Plenty of times. I always had a thing for sorority girls.
Bonnie Bennett: You're disgusting.
Damon Salvatore: [whispers] I know.

"The Vampire Diaries: The Last Day (#2.20)" (2011)
Damon Salvatore: I can't lose you.

"The Vampire Diaries: Isobel (#1.21)" (2010)
Damon Salvatore: I do believe in killing the messenger, you know why? Because it sends a message.

"The Vampire Diaries: A View to a Kill (#4.12)" (2013)
Damon Salvatore: If you're going to be bad, be bad with purpose.
Damon Salvatore: Otherwise you're just not worth forgiving.

"The Vampire Diaries: Founder's Day (#1.22)" (2010)
Damon Salvatore: I'm here to eat cotton candy and steal your girl.

"The Vampire Diaries: 500 Years of Solitude (#5.11)" (2014)
Damon Salvatore: [pouring everyone shots for their drinking game] Rule number one, think of the worst thing Katherine Pierce has ever done to you. Rule number two, toast to the glory of her impending death. Rule number three, if you come across something that's worse - which you will - repeat rules one and two. She pretended to be buried in a tomb for 145 years while I waited for her lying ass.

"The Vampire Diaries: Let Her Go (#6.15)" (2015)
Damon Salvatore: Liz Forbes was my friend.
Damon Salvatore: In her last moments she asked me to pass along a message to her daughter, but I cut her off before she could say too much, told her she could tell Caroline herself.
Damon Salvatore: She didn't get that chance.
Damon Salvatore: Your mom wanted you to know how proud of you she was, and she should be.
Damon Salvatore: You're a beautiful, strong woman, a generous friend, and a bright light in a sea of dark.
Damon Salvatore: She said you were extraordinary, and you are, and so was she.
Damon Salvatore: Liz was a hero to this town, she was a hero to all of you, and she was a hero to me.
Damon Salvatore: Goodbye, Sheriff.
Damon Salvatore: You will be missed.

"The Vampire Diaries: History Repeating (#1.9)" (2009)
Damon Salvatore: I got the town off our back, it was for the greater good, but I'm sorry. And to prove it, I'm not going to feed on a human for at least a... week. I'll adopt the Stefan diet, only nothing but feathers.
Stefan Salvatore: Because I realize killing your closest and oldest friend is beyond evil and yet, somehow it's worthy of humor.
Damon Salvatore: Are you mimicking me?
Damon Salvatore: And I can go back to sulking and Elena-longing and forehead brooding. This is fun, I like this.
Stefan Salvatore: Yes, Stefan. Now that the secret society of vampire-haters if off our back, I can go back to my routine of "how can I destroy Stefan's life this week?"
Stefan Salvatore: And I can go back to sulking and Elena-longing and forehead brooding. This is fun, I like this.
Stefan Salvatore: And I will finally reveal the ulterior motive behind my evil and diabolical return to Mystic Falls.
Damon Salvatore: Yeah... I'm done.

"The Vampire Diaries: The Sacrifice (#2.10)" (2010)
Damon Salvatore: Come on, we're leaving.
Elena Gilbert: No.
Damon Salvatore: I said we're leaving.
Elena Gilbert: I'm not going with you.
Damon Salvatore: You do not get to make decisions anymore.
Elena Gilbert: When have I ever made a decision? You and Stefan do that for me now. This-this is my decision now.
Damon Salvatore: Who's going to save your life while you're out making "decisions"?
Elena Gilbert: Damon, you're not listening to me. I don't want to be saved. Not if it means that Klaus is going to kill every single person that I love.
Damon Salvatore: Get your ass out the door before I throw you over my shoulder and carry you out myself.
[pauses then grabs her arm]
Elena Gilbert: [Struggles] No.
[Raises fist in attempt to fight him]
Damon Salvatore: [Stops punch mid-swing. Leans in as if to kiss her, but instead whispers... ] Don't ever do that again.

"The Vampire Diaries: I Alone (#6.9)" (2014)
Elena Gilbert: I'm sorry for compelling away the memories. They were only half mine.
Damon Salvatore: We'll make new ones.

"The Vampire Diaries: The Descent (#2.12)" (2011)
Damon Salvatore: I'm lost. I have a secret, a big one. But I've never said it out loud. What's the point? It's not gonna change anything. It's not gonna make me good, make me adopt a puppy. I can't be what other people want me to be. What she wants me to be. This is who I am. You are my existential crisis. Do I kill you or do I not kill you? But I have to Jessica, because I'm not human. And I miss it. I miss it more than anything in the world. That is my secret. But there is only so much hurt a man can take.

"The Vampire Diaries: Stand by Me (#4.15)" (2013)
Rebekah: Where is it? The cure. I know someone has it.
Damon Salvatore: Yeah, someone. Katherine.
Rebekah: Katherine? The doppelganger?
Damon Salvatore: Yeah, sneaky little bitch must've been spying on us for weeks. She killed Jeremy. Or somebody did. He killed your brother. Let's not with the fake sad face.
Rebekah: I didn't say I was going to miss him. But I'm not heartless. He was Elena's only family.
Damon Salvatore: Good. Well, you can send flowers. After you help me find Bonnie.
Rebekah: We need to find Katherine.
Damon Salvatore: If there's one thing that's a guarantee in this miserable little world, it's that Katherine Pierce is gone. We need to find Bonnie. Oh, and beware of the immortal Silas. He was asleep in that cave; he's awake now.