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: He likes to butt things... with his head. Nathan
: How proud you must be.
: Do you really have to go? Gil
: My whole life is "have to."
: What's the matter, honey? You don't feel so good? Taylor
: Yeah. Gil
: You feel like you wanna throw up? Taylor
[vomits all over Gil, and starts crying
: Oh Taylor, baby... Gil, why are you standing there? Gil
: Waiting for her head to spin around.
: I happen to LIKE the roller coaster, okay? As far as I'm concerned, your grandmother is brilliant. Gil
: Yeah, if she's so brilliant, why is she sitting in our NEIGHBOR'S CAR?
: [lights went out unexpectedly and have just been turned on. Gil thinks he has a flashlight but is holding a vibrator
] What's this?
[switches vibrator on
: [lights come up, Gil laughs and leaves the room
: Mommy, what was that? Karen
: That was... an electric ear cleaner. Taylor
: It was kind of big. Grandma
: It sure was!
[In the car after the baseball game, Kevin is singing "The Diarrhea Song" while Taylor laughs
] Kevin Buckman
: When you're sliding into first and you're feeling something burst, diarrhea, diarrhea. When you're sliding into third and you feel a juicy turd, diarrhea, diarrhea. When you're sliding into home and your pants are full of foam, diarrhea, diarrhea. When you're driving in your Chevy and your pants are feeling heavy, diarrhea, diarrhea. Karen
: Kevin, honey, where did you learn that song? Kevin Buckman
: Last summer at camp, Mom. Gil
: Ah, that was money well spent. Justin
, Kevin Buckman
: When you're sliding into first and you're feeling something burst, diarrhea, diarrhea.
: You see, when I met him, I was a little wild, I was a little out of control and he kind of... took me in hand. I liked that. He's very... commanding. He got me into teaching, he got my shit together. Boy, he really turned on. Karen
[changes her tone of voice
: I-I mean, uh, of course. Really? Susan
: Oh, Nathan and I used to be hot. I know he doesn't look it but, I mean, we were like rabbits. I used to give him... you know... oral, you know... on the highway. Karen
: What? Susan
: You know, he was always trying to get a research grant. Karen
: And you thought that would help? Susan
: No. But, I mean, he kept getting turned down and he'd get real, real tense. So, if I saw him getting, you know, really tense, I'd just... lean over while he was driving and, uh...
: Justin's going to go full time next year, so everybody's asking when I'm going to go back to work. Like I'm supposed to. And I'm thinking about it, I mean, I used to like work, it was OK, but... you know, I think I'm better at this, I mean, I think I'm sort of good at it, so... But then people make me feel embarrassed, like I don't have goals or something. Like I sit around here eating bonbons all day, right? Oh, I don't know. Helen
: Well, what does Gil say? Karen
: He says I should do whatever I want. I could have killed him for that.
[after finding her 15-year-old son's bag full of porno tapes
: l assume you're watching these because you're curious about sex... you know. Or filmmaking.
: He said that he loved me. Helen
: Men say that. They all say that. Then they cum.
: I can't do this! This is too intense! Helen
: This is marriage!
: I swear, Julie, if you walk out that door, don't you dare come back! Julie
: Don't worry about it!
: Hey Garry. Garry
: Hi. Julie
: I'm moving out. Garry
[walks out of the room
: See? Now you've upset your brother!
: I can't believe I trusted him... Helen
: Well, what did you expect from a kid like that? Julie
: Oh, Mom, back off. The last guy you dated stole our furniture.
[Tod is struggling with Julie
: Julie, you belong with me! Helen
: [hitting him
] Let go of her! Tod
: You're my wife! Helen
: I said-!
: His what? Julie
: His wife. We got married a few days ago. Helen
: [hitting her
] Are you out of your *mind*? Are you out of your *mind*?
[about Tod and Julie's marriage
: I give them six months. Three, if she cooks.
: It sounds like a boy Garry's age needs a man around the house. Tod
: Well, it depends on the man. I had a man around. He used to wake me up every morning by flicking lit cigarettes at my head. He'd say, "Hey, asshole, get up and make me breakfast." You know, Mrs. Buckman, you need a license to buy a dog, or drive a car. Hell, you need a license to catch a fish! But they'll let any butt-reaming asshole be a father.
: [whimpers as she flips through the stack of sex photos of Julie and Tod
[Julie enters the room and Helen holds up a picture
: I... I... I think this this one is my favorite. Julie
: It was just for fun, Mom. Helen
: Well, I'm glad to know it's not a job. That's that Tod, isn't it? There's one with his face.
[as she looks closer at the photos
: Is that what bothers you? That I did those things? Or that I did those things with Tod? Helen
: Gee whiz, Julie, so many things bother me about this, I don't know where to separate them.
[holds up a different photo
: Oh! Whoo! Here's something for my wallet! Julie
: Tod is very important to me. Helen
: And we've got the photos to prove it!
[as she holds up the sex photos again
: Mom... Helen
: [looking again at the photos
] This is your room. You did these things right here? In my house? Julie
: Well, I thought someone in this house ought to be having sex. I mean with something that doesn't require batteries.
: Tod? Tod
: Yeah? Helen
: Do you want me to make you breakfast? Tod
: No thanks, Julie will. Helen
[then adds under her breath
: I'll get the fire extinguisher.
Susan Buckman Merrick
: [after breaking the lock on Gary's bedroom door and searching it, Helen finds some sex tapes and plays one - graphic sex sounds from the television as Susan and Grandma enter the room
] Helen? Oh, the door was unlocked.
[sees the sex action on the television
: What channel is this? Helen
: No Gran, this is a tape. Grandma
: [to Susan
] She needs a man... Now! Helen
: Gran, this isn't mine. I don't watch this! Grandma
: [to Susan again as they are leaving the room and speaking of the sex action on the television
] One of those men reminded me of your Grandpa. God bless him!
: [door slams as Tod leaves after having a fight with Julie
] If he thinks I'm having his baby now, he's crazy! Helen
] Baby? George Bowman
: Your daughter's having a baby? Helen
: [even more shocked
] A baby? George Bowman
: You're going to be a grandma? Helen
: [laughs incredulously
] No, no, no, no. I'm too young to be a grandmother. Grandmothers are old. They bake, and they sew, and they tell you stories about the Depression.
: I was at Woodstock, for Christ's sake! I peed in a field! I hung on to The Who's helicopter as it flew away!
] George Bowman
: I was at Woodstock. Helen
] Oh yeah? I thought you looked familiar!
: Hi. Where's my wife? Helen
: She's still at school. She's got cheerleading practice. Tod
: Can I speak frankly, no holds barred?
: That is one messed up little dude. We can talk straight?
[Helen nods again
: Um, a few months ago, Garry got his first... boner. You know what that is? Helen
: If memory serves. Tod
: Aw, great! Anyway, since then, he's been... uh... slappin' the salami. No offense. Helen
: No. Tod
: Apparently, he's goin' for a world record. Anyway, he was afraid there was something wrong with him, you know? Like he was a pervert or something. I told him that's what little dudes do - we've all done it. It made him happy. Helen
: Garry was happy? Tod
: He even smiled! I never even knew he had teeth!
: Open this door! Goddamnit! I was just like a little respect! Not a lot, just a little! Do you know why I'm having sex with machinery? Because your father went to have a party and I stayed to raise two kids, and I HAVE NO LIFE!