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: Please. I've had mono so many times it turned into stereo.
: I've kissed Finn, and can I just say: NOT worth a buck. I would, however, pay $100 to jiggle one of his man boobs.
: Finn only wears that gassy infant look when he feels guilty about something.
: I'll just marry an NFL player. They're super reliable.
: I just try to be really, really honest with people when I think that they suck.
: That's how we do it in Lima Heights.
: [to Finn
] Hey Tubs! Can I talk to you for a second? Rory Flanagan
: Hey, listen here. You can't make fun of Finn anymore. Santana Lopez
: [to Rory
] Shut your potato hole, I'm here to apologize.
] Santana Lopez
: Rachel's right, I haven't been fair to you. You're not fat. I should know, I slept with you. I mean, at some point I must have liked that you look like a taco addict who's had one too many back alley liposuctions. Rory Flanagan
: Whoa. Santana Lopez
: [to Rory
] Please stick a sock in it or ship yourself back to Scotland. I'm trying to apologize to Lumps The Clown.
] Santana Lopez
: I am sorry, Finn. I mean, really, I'm sorry that the New Directions are gonna get crushed by the Troubletones. And also sorry that you have no talent. Sorry that you sing like you're getting your prostate checked, and you dance like you've been asleep for years and someone just woke you up. Have fun riding on Rachel's coattails for the rest of your life, although, you know what, I would just watch out for her come holiday time if I were him, because if I were her, I'd stick a stent in one of those boobs and let the Finn blubber light the Hanukkah lamp for eight magical nights.
: You seriously think you can out-insult me? I'm from Lima Heights, I was raised on insults. It's how my abuela puts me to sleep at night, and she was not a nice lady. Did you know she tried to sell me once? And it wasn't until I got to kindergarten that I learned my name wasn't Garbage Face.
: Okay, you know what, Santana? Finn is in great shape and your meanness only highlights your own insecurities. Santana Lopez
: Rachel, your mustache is thicker than a Middle Eastern dictator.
: [to Finn
] What did you just say to her?
[points at Rachel
] Finn Hudson
: I said I thought you were great. Santana Lopez
: No, you're lying. Rachel Berry
: No. He literally just said that. Santana Lopez
: [to Finn
] You told her too? Will Schuester
: [stands up
] Santana. Santana Lopez
: [to Finn
] Everyone's gonna know now, because of you. Finn Hudson
: The whole school already knows. And you know what? They don't care. Santana Lopez
: Not just the school, you idiot. Everyone! Finn Hudson
: What are you talking abo...
[Santana slaps Finn and there's silence
: [to Rory
] Here's the deal, pixie-boy. You've got a crush on my girl, Brittany. I understand. She's beautiful, she's innocent, she's everything that's good in this miserable, stinking world.
: Awesome! More back-up for me. Santana Lopez
: Okay, you know what? I did not just leave one diva-driven Glee Club to join another, so let me write you a reality check, richy bitch. I've seen what you can do, and what you can do is stand in the back, sway, and sing very, very quietly. Sugar Motta
: I, erm... I just... wanted to be on the winning team for once? Mercedes Jones
: Then turn down the 'tude and you will be.
: You are such a bacon-wrapped bug-eyed hypocrite. It's freaking hilarious how jealous of Blaine you are. Every time he opens his dreamboat a-capella mouth, you're just itching to kick him right in the Warblers.
: I have pepperoni in my bra. Santana Lopez
: Those are your nipples!
: [to Santana & Brittany
] You guys are such suckers for going back to Sue Sylvester. Santana Lopez
: Come on, screw her. This is for us. We can win two National championships this year. We joined Cheerios together, we joined Glee club together, we all slept with Puckerman the same year. We're like besties for life. Brittany Pierce
: Yeah, come on, Quinn. We used to be the Three Musketeers. Now Santana and I are like Almond Joy and you're like a Jolly Rancher that fell in the ashtray.
: When I look at someone, I don't see someone who looks a certain way or has this or that amount of chromosomes. I just see someone I may or may not have to destroy.
: The only straight I am is straight-up bitch.
: I have an awesome gaydar.
: [to Karofsky
] Why don't you just settle down and let Auntie Tana here tell you a little story. It's about you. You're what we call a "late in life" gay. You're going to stay in the closet, get married, get drunk to have relations with your wife, have a couple kids, maybe become a state senator or a deacon, and then get caught in the men's room tapping your foot with some paige. And you know what? I accept that about you.
: I ingest Latisse. It's normally supposed to be applied on your lids to make your lashes grow. I just took it one step further and started drinking it.
: Oh Mercedes, do you hear the sweet sound of all that applause for me? You know, that's really been my favorite part about this tour, because the fans have spoken and I am now officially the sexiest member of the Glee Club. Holly Holliday
: Not so fast, hot cheeks. Santana
: Give it up for Holly Holliday! Holly Holliday
: ¡Hola, clase! Hey, is anybody here in the mood for a little Cee Lo? Because I know I am. Hit it! Holly Holliday
: Let's go get some tacos!
: How can you do a duet by yourself? Its like vocal masturbation or something.
: I'm Sam. Sam I am. And I don't like Green Eggs and Ham. Santana Lopez
: He has no game.
: I thought you and Puck were dating? Santana Lopez
: Sex is not dating. Brittany
: Yeah, if it was, Santana and I would be dating.
: Look, we may still be Cheerios, but neither of us ever gave Sue the set list. Brittany
: Well... I did. But I didn't know what she was gonna do with it. Santana Lopez
: Okay, look... believe what you want, but no one's forcing me to be here. And if you tell anyone this, I'll deny it - but I like being in Glee Club. It's the best part of my day, okay? I wasn't gonna go and mess it up. Rachel Berry
: I believe you.
: Okay, Rachel, since this is your first time at this, I'm gonna break it down for you. Guys and girls fall into certain archetypes when they get drunk. Exhibit A: Santana, the weepy, hysterical drunk. Santana Lopez
: [Weeping at Sam
] You like her more than me. She's blonde and awesome and so smart. Admit, just admit it! No, kiss me! Finn Hudson
: Lauren Zizes and Quinn, the angry girl drunks. Quinn Fabray
: [Yelling at Puck
] I can't believe what you did to my body! I use to have abs! Lauren Zizes
: Who told you that hairstyle is cool? Geronimo? Finn Hudson
: Brittany, also known as the girl who turns into a stripper drunk. Mercedes and Tina, happy girl drunks and then we come around full circle right back to you, Rachel. And right now, you're being the needy girl drunk. Hanging all over me, being overly lovey, it's not cool.
: [Talking to Mr. Schue
] Oh, you're one to talk. How about you crack a Four Loko, Count Boozy Von Drunk-a-Ton?
: Hey Britt-Britt. So listen. How about you and I pop in some Sweet Valley High this evening and get our cuddle on? Brittany Pierce
: Look. I'd really like to get my sweet lady kisses on, but I haven't been feeling very sexy lately.
] Brittany Pierce
: I think I have a bun in the oven. Please don't tell anyone, okay? Especially Artie. Santana Lopez
: Yea, sure, your secret is safe with...
[cuts self off
] Santana Lopez
: Oh my God, Brittany's pregnant. Tina Cohen-Chang
: Oh my God, Brittany's pregnant! Noah 'Puck' Puckerman
: It was only a matter of time. Lauren Zizes
: For what? Noah 'Puck' Puckerman
: Brittany to get pregnant. Lauren Zizes
: Congratulations! Artie Abrams
: For what? Lauren Zizes
: Oh, you didn't hear? Your girlfriend's preggo! You're gonna be a baby daddy!
: Hi. Brittany Pierce
: Hey. Santana Lopez
: Can we talk? Brittany Pierce
: But we never do that. Santana Lopez
: Yeah, I know, but I wanted to thank you for performing that song with me in Glee Club. Because it's made me do a lot of thinking. And what I realized is why I'm such a bitch all the time. I'm a bitch because I'm angry. I'm angry because I have all of these feelings, feelings for you, that I'm afraid of dealing with because I'm afraid of dealing with the consequences. And Brittany, I can't go to an Indigo Girls concert. I just can't. Brittany Pierce
: I understand that. Santana Lopez
: Do you understand what I'm trying to say? Brittany Pierce
: No, not really. Santana Lopez
: I want to be with you, but I'm afraid of the talks and the looks. I mean, you know what happened to Kurt at this school. Brittany Pierce
: But, honey, if anybody were to ever make fun of you, you would either kick their ass or slash them with your vicious, vicious words. Santana Lopez
: Yea, I know, but I'm so afraid of what everyone will say behind my back. Still, I have to accept that I love you. I love *you*, and I don't want to be with Sam, or Finn, or any of those other guys. I just want you. Please say you love me back. Please. Brittany Pierce
: Of course I love you! I do! And I would totally be with you if it wasn't for Artie. Santana Lopez
] Artie? Brittany Pierce
: I love him, too. I don't want to hurt him, that's not right. I can't break up with him. Santana Lopez
: Yes, you can! He's just a stupid boy! Brittany Pierce
: But it wouldn't be right. Santana, you have to know, if Artie and I were to ever break up, and I'm lucky enough that you're still single, I'm so yours. *Proudly* so. Santana Lopez
] Yeah, well, wow. Whoever thought that for being fluid, you could be so stuck.
[Brittany tries to hug her
] Santana Lopez
: Get off me!
: [to Kurt
] The poster that you wanted gave me crippling depression. Kurt Hummel
: I wanted something toned down! Santana Lopez
: This is toned down. In the original, the unicorn was riding you.
: [about Will telling the students about his regrets
] Besides creeping us out, why are you telling us this?
: Just because i hate everybody, doesn't mean they have to hate me to.
: What's the point, Mr. Shue? Coach Sylvester's one of the judges, she's gonna crush us. Will Schuester
: Artie, you don't know that. Santana Lopez
: Yes we do, she told us at Cheerios practice. Brittany
: Yeah, she said "I'm going to crush Glee Club".
: If we go to our cheerleading competition,then we miss the halftime show, and we're out of Glee Club. I'm torn. Santana Lopez
: Oh, I'm not. Brittany Pierce
: I'm Brittany.
: Let me get this straight. The glee club got rid of Dakota Stanley, Mr Schuester's back and they're busy at work on a new number more confident than ever.
[Cut to scene of Glee Club rehearsing
] Sue Sylvester
: This is what we call a total disaster ladies. I'm going to have to ask you to smell your armpits. Quinn Fabray
, Santana Lopez
: [They look uncertainly at each other and then smell their armpits
] Sue Sylvester
: That's the smell of failure, and it's stinking up my office. I'm revoking your tanning privileges for the rest of the semester.
[Santana runs out in tears
: I don't see anything wrong with getting a little church up in here. Quinn Fabray
: I agree. I've had a really hard year, and I turned to God a lot for help. I, for one, wouldn't mind saying thanks. Santana Lopez
: Thanks for what? That it didn't come out a lizard baby?