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: Now you look after yourself. Janet
: I will. Love you. George
: Love you too.
] Mrs Raven
: That'll stop when they're knee-deep in nappies. Ella
: Nappies? Janet! You're not pregnant? Janet
: Pregnant? Course I'm not pregnant! Do I look pregnant?
[Janet's belly swells up, breaking her belt
: George? George
: Yup, you look pregnant to me.
: What am I supposed to do, Mrs Raven? Why did you say yes to Mr Raven? Mrs Raven
: Because before he proposed he said those three little words. Have another gin.
: Oh my God, you're going to have triplets like me. Janet
: It's only the one. Mrs Raven
: Trust me, that's not a baby; that's a conspiracy. You can join my group. Janet
: What group? Mrs Raven
: Mums Against Triplets. We go round each other's houses and stick pins in things that come in threes. Mind you that's probably how I got pregnant in the first place.
: Morning, darling. Mrs Raven
: Good morning, George. George
: [jumps out of bed
] Ooo ooo-ooo! Mrs Raven
: What's the matter, darling? George
: Where's Janet? Mrs Raven
: Who? George
: Janet? Janet!
: Ah, the nights are my own again. Who cares what I dream about.
[gets into bed
: Aah. I do love you, darling, and I'll always be here for you. Mrs Raven
: Well, just until mum's back in prison.
[George screams in terror
: Oh, look, Operation! That was my favorite. Ella Dawkins
: You have to take all that man's organs out with a pair of tweezers. Mrs. Raven
: NHS patient, is he?
: She knows her stuff. She was web mistress of the Health Centre website. Tyler
: Didn't know the Health Centre had a website. Mrs. Raven
: They haven't now. The Health Authority objected to my special feature on euthanasia. Fifty Ways to Kill Your Lover.
: May I ask you something in confidence? Mrs Raven
: Yeah, of course.
[he whispers something in her ear
] Mrs Raven
: I'm not sure.
] Mrs Raven
: Anyone know where Alcoholics Anonymous meets?
[several patients shake their heads
] Mrs Raven
: No, can't help you.
: I think I've died and gone to Heaven. Mrs Raven
: Makes a change; it's normally your patients. Piers
: That wasn't Mrs Smith. That was Jessica Strong, the film star. Janet
: Wow! So why did she come to you? Piers
: She wanted a private, discreet examination by a top professional. Mrs Raven
: So why did she come to you?
: And another thing, what about the baby? Janet
: What about the baby? Mrs Raven
: Babies and pets, recipe for absolute disaster. Janet
: Oh, really! Mrs Raven
: First thing that the health visitor said to me when I had the triplets: "I'm sorry, Mrs Raven, but you're going to have to get rid of that python." Janet
: That's a python. Mrs Raven
: Hm, it was really hard when we had to part. I kept flushing, but it just would not go.
: [on telephone
] It's Northolt Health Centre here, Mrs Lucas. Your husband made an appointment to see Dr Crispin at four o'clock today, and it's now four thirty. Well, I was just wondering: is he thinking of popping along at all, or does he just fix up appointments as some sort of sick joke? Mrs Raven
: I see. And when did the death occur? Mrs Raven
: An hour ago. It didn't occur to you, I suppose, to phone up and cancel the appointment. Mrs Raven
: It's all very well saying sorry now, but the damage is done.
] Mrs Raven
: It's all self, self, self with some people!
: [about the triplets
] They're at that difficult age: too old for borstal, too young for prison.
: You tricked me! I should have realized that you'd never know what to do if confronted by a poisonous insect! George
: What I normally do is say: "Good morning, Mrs Raven."
: [on the phone
] I shan't tell you again. If I have to leave this desk and come round there, you won't be able to sit down for a week! Mrs Raven
: Good boy.
: Triplets again? Mrs Raven
: Greg Dyke.
: Mrs Raven, your pay is very fair with *excellent* performance-related bonuses. Janet
: She gets bonuses! Piers
: Yes, twenty pounds for every day she doesn't make a patient cry. Janet
: When did she last manage that? Mrs Raven
: 1998. Piers
: We only had one patient all day, whom you chloroformed on arrival.
: Mrs Raven, it's not actually my job to advise you on how to mistreat children. Mrs. Raven
: That's a shame, 'cause you're very good at it.
: Here, I brought you some cake. You can share it with whoever you like. Janet
: Are you sure? George
: Oh, yeah. I'm cured. Mrs Raven?
[he offers her the cake
: Piers, would you like a slice of cake? Mrs Raven
: Hello, Arnie.
: But if Mr Right came along? Mrs Raven
: There is no Mr Right. There's only Mr Crap, Mr Tit, and their friend Mr Total Tosser. The only good place for a man's on a mortuary slab.
: Do you really think that he can be Piers's son? Hugo Blisset
: Morning, Janet. Look, Dad tells me your husband prefers guys. So, if your fire's going out and you want it stoking, give me a call. Ciao. Janet
, Mrs Raven
: Yeah, that's Piers's son.
: Ooh. Mrs Raven
: What is it? Janet
: Oh, it's nothing. I get this occasional twinge in my arm. I broke it when I was a child. Janet
: Oh, don't talk to me about broken arms. Janet
: Why? Mrs Raven
: Cause I'm not interested.
: I'll have to start going to church again. Janet
: Again? Mrs Raven
: I used to go regularly, just to throw confetti. Janet
: Aaah. I do like a good wedding. Mrs Raven
: This was at funerals.
: Those jabs should do the trick. Have a good holiday. Mrs Legg's going to Kenya, Mrs Raven. Mrs Raven
: Oh! Oh, I know somebody who's just been to Kenya. Janet
: Really? Mrs Raven
: Yeah, that malaria case this morning. Talk about ill, and she had all the jabs. Fat lot of good they did her. They nearly brought her back in a body bag. Don't go without making a will.
: What *are* you wearing? Piers
: It's the Warhol look. Mrs Raven
: It's the something-hole look.
: Excuse me. Mrs Raven
: What? Patient
: [holding up empty plastic bottle
] Dr Crispin asked me to provide a sample. Mrs Raven
: You missed.
: How on earth did you get pregnant, Mrs Raven? Mrs Raven
: A night of passion and a lifetime of regret. George
: A night of passion! Mrs Raven
: It's a cocktail. Two parts tequila, three parts... a lot more tequila.
: [to teenager with severe acne
] This ointment should help to clear them up, but don't you worry. People don't notice them nearly as much as you think. Teenager
: I've got to fix another appoint... Mrs Raven
] Mrs Raven
: Look at those whoppers! I'll put you in for nine o'clock Monday. Come in the back way so you don't frighten the other patients.
: So, Mrs Raven, you doing anything remotely interesting tonight? Mrs Raven
: I'm taking the triplets to see the exorcist. Piers
: Hm. Great movie. Mrs Raven
: Who's talking about the movie?
: What age were they then? Mrs Raven
: Six... six... six.