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: Yeah, Vicky, wow. Why the hell do you look so good? Vicky Gold
: Dave, you spoil me with all those compliments.
: [about Hillary
] Where am I taking her? Vicky Gold
: To the gynecologist. Dave Gold
: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. That's not my area. I mean, that is my area, but only when that area is your area. Her area... that's out of my area.
: Hillary, tell your father why you have to see the gynecologist today. Hillary Gold
: Because I have terrible PMS, and cramps, and bloating, and a very heavy flow. Dave Gold
: Aah, aah, okay, okay, that's enough. I heard enough. I'll take her, just stop talking.
: It turns out Hillary's doctor is someone I went to high school with. Vicky Gold
: You're kidding. You know Dr. Vogel? Dave Gold
: Oh, yeah, I know all about him. Let's just say he turned his hobby into his career. Vicky Gold
: What do you mean, he was President of the Pap Smear Club? Dave Gold
: In a matter of speaking, yes. I mean, in high school, all this guy talked about was getting into girls' pants. At least back then he had to work at it. Now all he has to do is say next!
: I've been going to Dr. Vogel for, like, three years now, and he's been nothing but professional... Dave Gold
: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. He's, uh... he's seen you, too? Vicky Gold
: Not only has he seen me, I paid him to look at it.
: Come on! Come on. I've been very mature about this. I discussed it calmly and rationally. I didn't even scream or yell! Come on! Vicky Gold
: Yeah. You mean like you're doing now? Dave Gold
: That's 'cause you're making me! Vicky Gold
: Hey, just because you handled it maturely doesn't mean you get what you want. Dave Gold
: But that's not fair! Vicky Gold
: I'm sorry if it bothers you, but I think Vogel is an excellent doctor, and I'm very comfortable with him. Dave Gold
: Well, I'm not. Vicky Gold
: Then I suggest you don't let him examine your vagina.
: So you had a problem with me doing business with Dr. Vogel until suddenly, you had business to do with Dr. Vogel. Dave Gold
: First of all, when I do business with him, my pants aren't off, and my feet aren't in the air.
Dr. Joel Lieber
: [about Mike
] This is a very difficult thing for a therapist to tell a parent about their child... Vicky Gold
: Oh, God! Dave Gold
: What, he's sick? He's really sick? Dr. Joel Lieber
: Actually, the clinical term is, "Big ****ing Liar."
: [about Mike
] You know, between his sleeping and his moods, and that note, you know, we're just very concerned, Doctor. And I'm not one of those parents that, you know, overreacts, but he turned down chocolate-chip pancakes. Dr. Joel Lieber
: Well, I don't consider therapy overreacting, I just think it's good parenting.
] Dr. Joel Lieber
: Plus, all I need is one more manic depressive or schizophrenic and I can afford to re-landscape.
: All right, look, I have to tell you guys the truth. I'm not really depressed, okay? That note you found was a song I tried to write, and I was just trying to get you to buy me stuff. Vicky Gold
: We know that, you idiot! Dave Gold
: Yeah, what's the matter with you, huh? How can you do something like that? Vicky Gold
: You scared us! Dave Gold
: How are we supposed to know when there's something's really wrong with you, you moron!
: Now, I want you to get changed for the play, because you're going. Dave Gold
: Fine. I'll go, but I'll tell you right now, I'm not gonna like it. Vicky Gold
: Dave, it's a high school play. Nobody's gonna like it.
: Well, how would you feel if your dad didn't show up for your things? Dave Gold
: Hey, when I was his age, my things were smoking doobs and grabbing boobs.