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Quotes for
Tallahassee (Character)
from Zombieland (2009)

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Zombieland (2009)
[from trailer]
Tallahassee: Time to nut up or shut up!

Tallahassee: I'm not great at farewells, so, uh, that'll do, pig.
Columbus: That's the worst goodbye I've ever heard, and you stole it from a movie.

Tallahassee: [discovers Hostess truck filled with Sno-Balls] Sno-Balls? Sno-Balls? Sno Balls? Where's the fucking Twinkies?
Columbus: I love Sno-Balls.
Tallahassee: I hate coconut. Not the taste, consistency.
Columbus: [eats a Sno Ball] Fresh.
Tallahassee: Oh, this Twinkie thing, it ain't over yet.

Tallahassee: [Columbus kisses Wichita] Finally got to first base. Not bad for that scrawny little spit-fuck.

Columbus: You know there's a place untouched by all this crap?
Tallahassee: Back east, yeah?
Columbus: Yeah. Yeah. You heard the same thing?
Tallahassee: Out west, we hear it's back east. Back east, they hear it's out west. It's all just nonsense. You know, you're like a penguin on the North Pole who hears the South Pole is really nice this time of the year.
Columbus: There are no penguins on the North Pole.
Tallahassee: You wanna feel how hard I can punch?

Tallahassee: [Upon finding a Hummer filled with rifles] Thank God for rednecks!

Tallahassee: [Searching for Twinkies] Where are you, you spongy, yellow, delicious bastards?

Tallahassee: Where are the fucking Twinkies?

Little Rock: Who's Bill Murray?
Tallahassee: I've never hit a kid before. I mean, that's like asking who Gandhi is.
Little Rock: Who's Gandhi?

Tallahassee: [referring to Wichita and Little Rock, who previously hijacked them] They're in the back, aren't they?
Little Rock: [pops up holding shotgun] Just me.
Columbus: I'm really sorry. She was like a crouching tiger...
Tallahassee: You got taken hostage by a 12 year old?
Columbus: Well, girls mature faster than boys. She's way ahead of where I was at that age.
Little Rock: Twelve's the new twenty. Gun please.
Tallahassee: Like you would ever use that thing
[Little Rock shoots in the air]
Tallahassee: Don't kill me with my own gun.

Columbus: [Columbus sprays Tallahassee with perfume, Tallahassee turns around and glares at Columbus] Okay. Let me begin my three-part apology by saying that I think you're a wonderful human, with great potential.
Tallahassee: It's okay... But FYI, I have beat wholesale ass for a whole lot less than that.
Columbus: I'm sure.
Tallahassee: You get, uh...
[cocks his head]
Tallahassee: 45% power.
Columbus: Thank you.
Tallahassee: [Tallahassee punches Columbus in the arm, and Columbus knocks over a lamp] There you go.

[from trailer]
Tallahassee: [turning to Columbus, Wichita and Little Rock after a zombie kill] What do you think? "Zombie Kill of the Week"?

Tallahassee: You've got a pretty mouth.
[hits a zombie with a banjo]

Tallahassee: There's a box of Twinkies in that grocery store. Not just any box of Twinkies, the last box of Twinkies that anyone will enjoy in the whole universe. Believe it or not, Twinkies have an expiration date. Some day very soon, Life's little Twinkie gauge is gonna go... empty.

Tallahassee: Goddamn it, Bill fucking Murray! I had to get that out. I don't mean to gush. This is so surreal. I mean, you probably get this all the time. Maybe not lately, but I'm such a huge fan of yours. You know, I swear, I've seen every one of your movies a million times. I even loved your dramatic roles and just everything. Six people left in the world and one of them is Bill fucking Murray. I know that's not your middle name. I've been watching you since I was like... Since I could masturbate. I mean, not that they're connected.

Tallahassee: Have you ever read that book "She's Just Not That Into You"?

Tallahassee: Wow, these fellas really let themselves go.
Columbus: And they're so fat.

Tallahassee: In Mexico, you know what they call Twinkies? "Los submarinos."

Columbus: [in voice-over] You see, He was in the ass-kicking business and...
Tallahassee: [Tallahassee, in flashback, rounds corner holding two chainsaws and wearing a welding mask, flips mask up] ... business is *good*!

Little Rock: Have you heard about Pacific Playland? There are no zombies there.
Columbus: The amusement park?
Little Rock: Yep!
Tallahassee: That place totally blows!
[Little Rock and Wichita shoot Tallahassee angry looks]
Tallahassee: ... my mind. Just fun for the whole family.

Tallahassee: You see, that why i don't let people close, you only get burned.

Bill Murray: [dying] Is that you say hello where you come from?
Columbus: Oh, my God. Oh, my God, I can't believe I shot Bill Murray.
Tallahassee: Mr. Murray?
Bill Murray: I'm just Bill, I think, now.
Tallahassee: Bill?
Bill Murray: Yeah?
Tallahassee: [pokes at Bill's wound] I don't think we're gonna be able to stitch this.
Bill Murray: Ah. That's still tender.
Tallahassee: You think you might pull through?
Bill Murray: No.
Columbus: If it means anything now, I am so sorry. It was just instinctive.
Bill Murray: It was my bad. I was never a very good practical joker.
Little Rock: So do you have any regrets?
Bill Murray: "Garfield," maybe.

Tallahassee: Hey, a little help with movin' the couch. We're makin' a fort.

Tallahassee: ...The day he was born I just lost my mind.

Columbus: Hey, for fuck's sake, enough already! We are being chased by ravenous freaks. Like we don't have enough problems. Oh, they stole my hummer. Oh, we have trust issues. Well get over it! We can't just fucking drive down the road playing I Spy or some shit for two hours like four normal-ass Americans? Fuck me.
Tallahassee: Whoa.
Columbus: I know.

Little Rock: No Twinkies.
Tallahassee: Shit! fuck!
Wichita: See, I told you we should have gone to Russell Crowe's! No one listens to me!

Tallahassee: Hop in the car, Evel Knievel. Let's go ride the rollercoaster.

Tallahassee: Come on! Anybody hungry? Tallahassee's nice this time of year!

Tallahassee: Are you fucking with me?
Columbus: Uh, no. You should actually limber up as well. Especially if we're going down that hill. It is very important.
Tallahassee: I don't believe in it. You ever see a lion limber up before it takes down a gazelle?

Tallahassee: Bill Murray, you're a zombie?
[Wichita hits Bill in his back with a golf club]
Bill Murray: [cries in pain] Ow, I'm on fire! Ouch!
Tallahassee: You're not a zombie, you're talking and... You're okay?
Bill Murray: The hell I am.
Wichita: I'm sorry. I didn't know it was... It was "you" you.
Tallahassee: Are you...? What's with the get-up?
Bill Murray: Oh, I do it to blend in. You know. Zombies don't mess with other zombies. Buddy of mine, makeup guy, he showed me how to do this. Corn starch. You know, some berries, a little licorice for the ladies. Suits my lifestyle, you know. I like to get out and do stuff. Just played nine holes on the Riviera. Just walked on. Nobody there.

Bill Murray: You are staring at me. It's a hairpiece! It's a piece.
Wichita: It's - I'm sorry. No, it's just that you look remarkably like Eddie Van Halen.
Bill Murray: I just saw Eddie Van Halen.
Wichita: Nuh-uh.
Tallahassee: Really?
Bill Murray: Yeah.
Wichita: Wow.
Tallahassee: Where?
Bill Murray: The Hollywood Bowl.
Tallahassee: And how was he?
Bill Murray: He's a zombie.
Wichita: Aw. Tough break.

Wichita: [playing Monopoly] Ooh! Free parking...
Little Rock: Yeah.
Wichita: -which coincidentally is the best thing about Zombieland.
Columbus: You want to know the best thing about Z-land? No- no Facebook status updates. You know, Rob Curtis is gearing up for Friday. Who cares?
Tallahassee: The best thing is no more flushing. Epic.

Tallahassee: [to Columbus] You're thinking about fucking Wichita!
[ignores Columbus' taken-aback "no" gesture]
Tallahassee: Hey, wish granted. She's spent the last twenty-four hours fucking us both.

Columbus: Take away a man's son, you've truly given him nothing left to lose.
Tallahassee: I haven't cried like that since "Titanic."

Tallahassee: Here's the deal: I'm not easy to get along with, and I'm sensing you're a bit of a bitch.

Columbus: Are you one of these guys that tries to one-up everybody else's story?
Tallahassee: No. I knew a guy way worse at that than me.

Tallahassee: My mama always told me someday I'd be good at something. Who'd a guessed that something'd be zombie-killing?
Columbus: Probably nobody.

Tallahassee: [to Columbus] You can do anything you want to a man, but do not fuck with his Cadillac!

Tallahassee: Thank God for rednecks!

Tallahassee: [In a deleted scene, where the two sisters steal Tallahassee and Columbus's hummer and leave them on the road] B-holes... Jokes on them. Look what I swiped from under the seat.
[Tallahassee would show Columbus the envelope with the fake rings inside. Columbus would start to walk away]
Tallahassee: Hey... This bag ain't gonna carry itself...

Zombieland (2013) (TV)
Tallahassee: Oh, I am this close to losing every last bit of my shit.

Tallahassee: We are cursed! We... are... cursed! We're cursed! It's like we picked up Bobby Brady's ass-reaming Tiki and it's just tipping us over, and just ramming us in the...
[to Little Rock]
Tallahassee: Please don't ask me who Bobby Brady is, or I'll lose my shit more than I lost it a second ago, okay?

Tallahassee: There's nothing more romantic then an old couple dying within minutes of one another.
Columbus: Yeah, that's because you smashed their heads in with a fireplace poker.
Little Rock: This is really, really fucked up.
Tallahassee: Hey-ho! Language. But you're right. It is.