Tyrion Lannister
Top Links
main detailsbiographyby votesphoto galleryquotes
by yearby typeby ratingsby votesby TV seriesby genreby keyword
Did You Know?
photo galleryquotes

Quotes for
Tyrion Lannister (Character)
from "Game of Thrones" (2011)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"Game of Thrones: Mhysa (#3.10)" (2013)
Tyrion Lannister: You just sent the most powerful man in Westeros to bed without his supper.
Tywin Lannister: You're a fool if you believe he's the most powerful man in Westeros.
Tyrion Lannister: A treasonous statement. Joffrey is king.
Tywin Lannister: You really think a crown gives you power?
Tyrion Lannister: No. I think armies give you power.

Tyrion Lannister: ...it's easy for you to preach utter devotion to family when you're making all the decisions.
Tywin Lannister: Easy for me, is it?
Tyrion Lannister: When have you ever done something that wasn't in your interest but solely for the benefit of the family?
Tywin Lannister: The day that you were born. I wanted to carry you into the sea and let the waves wash you away. Instead, I let you live. And I brought you as my son. Because you're a Lannister.

Joffrey Baratheon: Everyone is mine to torment! You'd do well to remember that, you little monster.
Tyrion Lannister: Oh, "monster". Perhaps you should speak to me more softly then. Monsters are dangerous and, just now, kings are dying like flies.

[Tywin and Tyrion discuss the Red Wedding]
Tyrion Lannister: I'm all for cheating. This is war. But to slaughter them at a wedding...
Tywin Lannister: [dryly] Explain to me why it is more noble to kill 10,000 men in battle than a dozen at dinner.

Tyrion Lannister: My lady, people have been laughing at me far longer than they've been laughing at you. I'm the Half-Man, the Demon-Monkey, the Imp.
Sansa Stark: You're a Lannister. I am the disgraced daughter of the traitor, Ned Stark.
Tyrion Lannister: The disgraced daughter and the demon monkey. We're perfect for each other.

Tyrion Lannister: You have children. How happy would you say you are?
Cersei Lannister: Not very. But if it weren't for my children, I would have thrown myself from the highest tower in the Red Keep. They're the reason I'm alive.
Tyrion Lannister: Even Joffrey?
Cersei Lannister: Even Joffrey.

Tyrion Lannister: Keep up!
Podrick Payne: I don't think I can, my lord.
Tyrion Lannister: It's not easy being drunk all the time. Everyone would do it if it were easy.

[heavy-heartedly, Tyrion intends to tell Sansa about the Red Wedding]
Tyrion Lannister: Sansa...
[Sansa turns, her face is stained with tears, and Tyrion sees she already knows about what happened to her mother and brother. He walks out]

Sansa Stark: My sister used to do that to me when she was angry with me. And she was always angry with me.
Tyrion Lannister: Why sheep shift?
Sansa Stark: That's the vulgar word for dung!
[Tyrion realizes what Sansa means]
Tyrion Lannister: My lady...
Sansa Stark: Well, you asked me!

Tywin Lannister: Do you want to write a song for the dead Starks? Go ahead, write one. I'm in this world a little while longer to defend the Lannisters, to defend my blood.
Tyrion Lannister: The Northerners will never forget.
Tywin Lannister: Good. Let them remember what happens when they march on the south.

Sansa Stark: So, how should we punish them?
Tyrion Lannister: Who? Whom?
Sansa Stark: Ser Eldrick Sarsfield and Lord Desmond Crakehall.
Tyrion Lannister: Ah. I could speak to Lord Varys and learn their perversions. Anyone named Desmond Crakehall must be a pervert.
Sansa Stark: I hear that you're a pervert.
Tyrion Lannister: I am the Imp; I have certain standards to maintain.

Tyrion Lannister: How long does it go on?
Cersei Lannister: Until we've dealt with all our enemies.
Tyrion Lannister: Every time we deal with an enemy, we create two more.
Cersei Lannister: Then I suppose it will go on for quite a long time.

"Game of Thrones: The Wars to Come (#5.1)" (2015)
Lord Varys: You have your father's instincts for politics and you have compassion.
Tyrion Lannister: Compassion. Yes. I killed my lover with my bare hands and I shot my own father with a crossbow.
Lord Varys: I never said you were perfect.

Tyrion Lannister: What is it that you want exactly?
Lord Varys: Peace. Prosperity. A land where the powerful do not prey on the powerless.
Tyrion Lannister: Where the castles are made of gingerbread and the moats are filled with blackberry wine. The powerful have always preyed on the powerless, that's how they became powerful in the first place.
Lord Varys: Perhaps. And perhaps we've grown so used to horror we assume there's no other way.

Lord Varys: The Seven Kingdoms need someone stronger than Tommen but gentler than Stannis. A monarch who could intimidate the High Lords and inspire the people. A ruler loved by millions, with a powerful army, and the right family name.
Tyrion Lannister: Good luck finding him.
Lord Varys: Who said anything about "him"?

Tyrion Lannister: Do you know what it's like to stuff your shit through one of those air holes?
Lord Varys: No. I only know what it's like to pick up your shit and throw it overboard.

Tyrion Lannister: Are you a lord if you kill your father? I don't imagine they revoke your nobility for killing a whore, it must happen all the time.

Lord Varys: You have a choice, my friend. You can stay here at Illyrio's palace and drink yourself to death or you can ride with me to Meereen, meet Daenerys Targaryen and decide if the world is worth fighting for
Tyrion Lannister: Can I drink myself to death on the road to Meereen?

Tyrion Lannister: I still don't see why I had to stay in this fucking crate once we set sail.
Lord Varys: I saved your life. If they catch you, they catch me. I cannot say I feel overly guilty about leaving you in that fucking crate.

[sips a cup of wine before starting to vomit]
Tyrion Lannister: The future is shit. Just like the past.

"Game of Thrones: Blackwater (#2.9)" (2012)
Tyrion Lannister: Don't fight for a king. Don't fight for his kingdoms. Don't fight for honor, don't fight for glory, don't fight for riches, because you won't get any. This is your city Stannis means to sack. That's your gate he's ramming. If he gets in it will be your house that burns. Your gold he steals, your women he rapes. Those are brave men knocking at our door. Let's go kill them!

[Tyrion is enraged to see the Hound drinking during the battle]
Tyrion Lannister: [sarcastically] Can I get you some ice mint? And a nice bowl of raspberries too?

[Tyrion and Bronn shake hands before the battle]
Bronn: Don't get killed.
Tyrion Lannister: Nor you, my friend.
Bronn: Oh... are we friends now?
Tyrion Lannister: Of course we are. Just because I pay you for your services doesn't diminish our friendship.
Bronn: Enhances it, really.
Tyrion Lannister: Oh, "enhances". Fancy word for a sellsword.
Bronn: Been spending time with fancy folks.

[the Hound's fear of fire is renewed when watching people burn to death, and he refuses to keep fighting]
Sandor Clegane: I lost half of my men. The Blackwater is on fire.
Joffrey Baratheon: Dog, I command you to go back up there and fight!
[the Hound shakes his head]
Tyrion Lannister: You're in the Kingsguard, Clegane. We must beat them back or they're going to take the city... your king's city.
Sandor Clegane: Fuck the Kingsguard. Fuck the city. Fuck the king.
[the Hound walks away]

[Varys listens to the bells toll the alarm before the battle]
Lord Varys: I've always hated the bells. They ring for horror. A dead king, a city under siege...
Tyrion Lannister: A wedding.
Lord Varys: Exactly.

Joffrey Baratheon: Hound, tell the Hand that his King has asked him a question.
Sandor Clegane: The King has asked you a question.
Tyrion Lannister: Sir Lancel, tell the Hound to tell the King that the Hand is extremely busy.
Lancel Lannister: The Hand of the King would like me to tell you to tell the King that...
Joffrey Baratheon: If I tell the Hound to cut you in half, he'll do it without a second thought.
Tyrion Lannister: That would make me the quarter-man. Just doesn't have the same ring to it.

Tyrion Lannister: [to Lord Varys] I'm entirely sure you're entirely sure what I'm suggesting.

"Game of Thrones: Mockingbird (#4.7)" (2014)
Tyrion Lannister: [to Oberyn Martell] If you want justice, you've come to the wrong place.

Tyrion Lannister: [bitterly] You're the golden son. You could kill a king, lose a hand, fuck your own sister, you'll always be the golden son.
Jaime Lannister: [quietly] Careful. I'm the last friend you've got.

[Bronn refuses Tyrion's request to fight Gregor "the Mountain" Clegane]
Bronn: I'm sorry it has to be this way.
Tyrion Lannister: Why are you sorry? Because you're an evil bastard with no conscience and no heart? That's what I liked about you in the first place.
[Bronn nods. They shake hands]
Bronn: We had some good days together.
Tyrion Lannister: Yes, we did.
[Bronn pats on Tyrion's hand, then walks to the door, looking a bit guilty. He bangs on the door, and turns to Tyrion]
Bronn: What will you do?
Tyrion Lannister: I suppose I'll have to kill the Mountain myself.
[Bronn nods]
Tyrion Lannister: Won't that make for a great song?
[the door opens. Bronn lingers]
Bronn: I hope to hear them sing it one day.
[Bronn leaves]

Oberyn Martell: When we met your sister, she promised she would show you to us. Every day we would ask. Every day she would say, "Soon." Then she and your brother took us to your nursery and... she unveiled the freak. Your head was a bit large. Your arms and legs were a bit small, but no claw. No red eye. No tail between your legs. Just a tiny pink cock. We didn't try to hide our disappointment. "That's not a monster," I told Cersei, "that's just a baby." And she said, "He killed my mother." And she pinched your little cock so hard, I thought she might pull it off. Until your brother made her stop. "It doesn't matter," she told us. "Everyone says he will die soon, I hope they are right; he should not have lived this long."
Tyrion Lannister: [tears welling] Well... sooner or later, Cersei always gets what she wants.
Oberyn Martell: And what about what I want? Justice for my sister and her children.
Tyrion Lannister: If you want justice, you've come to the wrong place.
Oberyn Martell: I disagree. I've come to the perfect place. I want to bring those who have wronged me to justice, and all those who have wronged me are right here. I will begin with Ser Gregor Clegane, who killed my sister's children and then raped her with their blood still on his hands before killing her, too. I will be your champion.

Bronn: My lonesome bachelor days are over. I'm to wed Lollys Stokeworth.
Tyrion Lannister: Lollys Stokeworth? She doesn't strike me as your sort of girl.
Bronn: I wouldn't say I had a single sort of girl.
Tyrion Lannister: She's dim-witted.
Bronn: If I wanted wits, I'd marry you.
Tyrion Lannister: When my sister arranged this love match, did she mention that Lollys has an older sister?
Bronn: Falyse. Aye, I did know about the older sister.
Tyrion Lannister: And you understand the rules of inheritance?
Bronn: Falyse is 40 and barren.
Tyrion Lannister: She still gets Castle Stokeworth when her father dies.
Bronn: She does. Unless she happens to perish before her father. Then Lollys gets the castle. What? Ladies fall from their horses and snap their pretty necks all the time.
Tyrion Lannister: You and my sister deserve each other.

[Tyrion and Bronn talk about Gregor "The Mountain" Clegane]
Tyrion Lannister: Does he frighten you so much?
Bronn: I'd be a bloody fool if he didn't frighten me. He's freakish big and freakish strong. And quicker than you'd expect for a man of that size. Maybe I could take him, dance around until he's so tired of hacking at me, he dropped his sword, get him off his feet somehow. But one misstep...
[Bronn snaps his fingers]
Bronn: ...and I'm dead.

"Game of Thrones: Second Sons (#3.8)" (2013)
Tyrion Lannister: Do you drink wine?
Sansa Stark: Only when I have to.

Tyrion Lannister: [to Sansa] I promise you one thing, my lady. I won't ever hurt you.

Joffrey Baratheon: Time for the bedding ceremony!
[the guests respond excitely. Joffrey grabs Sansa by her hand and drags her to the middle of the room]
Tyrion Lannister: There will be no bedding ceremony.
Joffrey Baratheon: Where's your respect for tradition, uncle? Come, everyone! Pick her up and carry her to her wedding bed. Get rid of her gown. She won't be needing it any longer. Ladies, attend to my uncle. He's not heavy.
Tyrion Lannister: There will be no bedding ceremony.
Joffrey Baratheon: There will be if I command it!
[Tyrion thrusts his dagger in the table. The thud makes Joffrey turn back to face his uncle]
Tyrion Lannister: [threateningly] Then you'll be fucking your own bride with a wooden cock!
[a shocked silence falls. Lord Tywin, sensing danger, gets to his feet. Joffrey stares at Tyrion incredulously]
Joffrey Baratheon: [shocked and seething] What did you say? WHAT... DID YOU... SAY?
[Tyrion and Joffrey stare at each other hatefully]
Tywin Lannister: [dryly] I believe we can dispense with the bedding, your Grace. I'm sure Tyrion did not mean to threaten the king.

Tywin Lannister: You seem rather drunk.
Tyrion Lannister: Rather less than I planned to be. Isn't it a man's duty to be drunk at his own wedding?
Tywin Lannister: This isn't about your wedding. Renly Baratheon had a wedding. Your wife needs a child, a Lannister child, as soon as possible.
Tyrion Lannister: And?
Tywin Lannister: If you're going to give her one, you need to perform.
Tyrion Lannister: What did you once call me? "A drunken little lust-fulled beast."
Tywin Lannister: More than once.
Tyrion Lannister: [slurs his words] There you have it. Nothing to worry about. Drinking and lust. No man can match me in these things. I am the god of tits and wine... I shall build a shrine to myself at the next brothel I visit.
[Tyrion tries to take a drink, but Tywin grabs the cup out of his hand]
Tywin Lannister: You can drink. You can joke. You can engage in juvenile attempts to make your father uncomfortable. But you will do your duty.

Tyrion Lannister: [drunkenly to Sansa] Come, wife. I vomited on a girl once, during the act, not proud of it. But I think honesty is important between a man and his wife, don't you agree? Come, I'll tell you all about it, put you in the mood.

Joffrey Baratheon: Time for the bedding ceremony.
Tyrion Lannister: There will be no bedding ceremony.
Joffrey Baratheon: Where's your respect for tradition, Uncle.
Joffrey Baratheon: Come, everyone. Pick her up and carry her to her wedding bed. Get rid of her gown. She won't be needing it any longer. Ladies, attend to my uncle. He's not heavy.
Tyrion Lannister: There will be no bedding ceremony.
Joffrey Baratheon: There will be if I command it.
Tyrion Lannister: [Stabs the table with a knife] Then you'll be fucking your own bride with a wooden cock!
Joffrey Baratheon: What did you say? What did you say?
Tywin Lannister: I believe we can dispense with the bedding, Your Grace. I'm sure Tyrion didn't mean to threaten the king.
Tyrion Lannister: [starts laughing] A bad joke Your Grace. Made out of envy of your own royal manhood. Mine is so small. My poor wife won't even know I'm there.
Tywin Lannister: Your uncle is clearly quite drunk Your Grace.
Tyrion Lannister: I am. Guilty. But... But it is my wedding night. My tiny drunk cock and I have a job to do.
[stumbles drunk]
Tyrion Lannister: Come, wife. I vomited on a girl once in the middle of the act. Not proud of it. But I think honesty is important between a man and wife, don't you agree? Come I'll tell you all about it. Put you in the mood.

"Game of Thrones: Valar Dohaeris (#3.1)" (2013)
Tyrion Lannister: What are they doing here?
Cersei Lannister: Protecting me... I assume. Will you let me in?
Tyrion Lannister: No, I don't think so.
Cersei Lannister: If I wanted to kill you, do you think I'd let a wooden door stop me?
Tyrion Lannister: They stay outside!
Cersei Lannister: I'm not afraid of you, little brother.

Tyrion Lannister: I want what is mine by right. Jaime is your eldest son, heir to your lands and titles, but he is a Kingsguard, forbidden from marriage or inheritance. The day Jaime put on the white cloak he gave up his claim to Casterly Rock. I am your son and lawful heir.
Tywin Lannister: [nods] You want Casterly Rock?
Tyrion Lannister: It is mine by right.
Tywin Lannister: We'll find you accommodations more suited to your name and as a reward for your accomplishments during the Battle of Blackwater Bay. And when the time is right, you will be given a position fit for your talents, so that you can serve your family and protect our legacy. And if you serve faithfully, you will be rewarded with a suitable wife - and I would let myself be consumed by maggots before mocking the family name and making you heir to Casterly Rock!
Tyrion Lannister: [quietly] Why?
Tywin Lannister: [raises his voice in anger] Why? You ask that? You who killed your mother to come into the world?
[Tywin stands and approaches Tyrion, while talking to him contemptuously]
Tywin Lannister: You are an ill-made, spiteful little creature full of envy, lust, and low cunning. Men's laws give you the right to bear my name and display my colors since I cannot prove that you are not mine. And to teach me humility, the gods have condemned me to watch you waddle about wearing that proud lion that was my father's sigil and his father's before him. But neither gods nor men will ever compel me to let you turn Casterly Rock into your whorehouse. Go, now. Speak no more of your rights to Casterly Rock. Go!
[Tywin returns to his seat. Tyrion is deeply hurt by his father's words, but says nothing. He stands and starts to leave]
Tywin Lannister: One more thing.
[Tyrion stops and turns back to his father]
Tywin Lannister: The next whore I catch in your bed, I'll hang.
[Tyrion leaves]

Cersei Lannister: [referring to Tyrion's new quarters] A bit of a comedown from chamber of the Hand. But then I don't suppose you need much room.
Tyrion Lannister: Grand Maester Pycelle made the same joke. You must be proud to be as funny as a man whose balls brush his knees.

Bronn: You've given me a taste for the finer things. And if you want me to carry on protecting you, you'll need to pay more.
Tyrion Lannister: I thought we were friends.
Bronn: We are, but I'm a sellsword. I sell my sword. I don't loan it out to friends as a favor.
Tyrion Lannister: How much?
Bronn: Double.
Tyrion Lannister: Double?
Bronn: I'm a knight now. Knights are worth double.
Tyrion Lannister: I don't even know how much I'm paying you now.
Bronn: Which means you can afford it.

Cersei Lannister: You're a clever man. But you're not half as clever as you think you are.
Tyrion Lannister: Still makes me more clever than you.

"Game of Thrones: The House of Black and White (#5.2)" (2015)
Tyrion Lannister: [about Shae] She wanted me to leave King's Landing. She begged me. I wouldn't go.
Lord Varys: Why?
Tyrion Lannister: Because I liked it. Power. Even as a servant.

Lord Varys: You were quite good, you know. At ruling. During your brief tenure as Hand.
Tyrion Lannister: I didn't rule. I was a servant.
Lord Varys: Still, a man of talent.
Tyrion Lannister: Managed to kill a lot of people.
Lord Varys: Yes, but you show great promise in other areas as well.

Lord Varys: Cersei has offered a lordship to the man who brings her your head.
Tyrion Lannister: She ought to offer her cunt. Best part of her for the best part of me.

Lord Varys: People follow leaders, and they will never follow us. They find us repulsive.
Tyrion Lannister: I find us repulsive.

Lord Varys: Are we really going to spend the entire road to Volantis talking about the futility of everything?
Tyrion Lannister: You're right. No point.

"Game of Thrones: Hardhome (#5.8)" (2015)
Daenerys Targaryen: How do I know you are who you say you are?
Tyrion Lannister: If only I were otherwise.

Daenerys Targaryen: So I should welcome you into my service because you murdered members of your own family?
Tyrion Lannister: Into your service? Your grace, we have only just met. It's too soon to know if you deserve my service.

Daenerys Targaryen: Lannister, Targaryen, Baratheon, Stark, Tyrell they're all just spokes on a wheel. This ones on top, then that ones on top and on and on it spins crushing those on the ground.
Tyrion Lannister: It's a beautiful dream, stopping the wheel. You're not the first person who's ever dreamt it.
Daenerys Targaryen: I'm not going to stop the wheel, I'm going to break the wheel.

Tyrion Lannister: When I was a young man I heard a story about a baby born during the worst storm in living memory. She had no wealth, no lands, no army, only a name and a handful of supporters, most of whom probably thought they could use that name to benefit themselves. They kept her alive, moving her from place to place, often hours ahead of the men who had been sent to kill her. She was eventually sold off to some warlord on the edge of the world and that appeared to be that. And then a few years later the most well informed person I knew told me that this girl without wealth, lands, or armies had somehow acquired all 3 in a very short span of time, along with three dragons. He thought she was our best, last chance to build a better world. I thought you were worth meeting at the very least.

Tyrion Lannister: Someday, if you decide not to execute me, I'll tell you all about why I killed my father. And on that day, should it ever come, we'll need more wine than this.

"Game of Thrones: Walk of Punishment (#3.3)" (2013)
Bronn: What are you saying? That the ladies enjoyed him so much, they gave him the time for free?
Tyrion Lannister: Is that what your telling us?
[Pod smiles]
Tyrion Lannister: Sit down Podrick.
Bronn: We're going to need details.
Tyrion Lannister: Copious details.

Tyrion Lannister: Ah, the return of the conquering hero.
Tyrion Lannister: Does he have a little jaunt in his step?
Bronn: The lad's practically skipping.
Tyrion Lannister: You were gone a long time. I trust you got your money's worth - or should I say my money's worth.
Podrick Payne: [places satchel of gold on the desk]
Tyrion Lannister: It was a gift, Podrick! This is more than I give you in a year.
Bronn: He's a squire. You don't pay him.
Tyrion Lannister: Oh. Then it's much more than I give you in a year.
Podrick Payne: They wouldn't take it, milord.
Bronn: [confused] Maybe they're trying to curry some favor with the new Master of Coin?
Tyrion Lannister: Have you ever known a whore to turn down gold? They're happy enough to take it when I give it to them.
Bronn: [looks at Podrick] What did you tell them?
Podrick Payne: I didn't tell them anything.
Tyrion Lannister: What did you do to them?
Podrick Payne: Lots of things.
Tyrion Lannister: And they seemed to like these things?
Podrick Payne: Yes, milord.
Bronn: Of course they seemed to like it. They're paid to seem to like it.
Tyrion Lannister: Only they weren't paid.
Bronn: What're you saying? These ladies enjoyed him so much they gave him the time for free?
Tyrion Lannister: Is that what you're telling us?
Podrick Payne: [grin]
Tyrion Lannister: Sit down, Podrick.
[pours some wine]
Tyrion Lannister: We're going to need details. Copious details.

Tyrion Lannister: [reviews the kingdom's ledgers] For years I've heard that Littlefinger is a magician: whenever the Crown needs money, he rubs his hands together and - poof! - mountains of gold.
Bronn: Let me guess: he's not a magician.
Tyrion Lannister: No.
Bronn: He's stealing it?
Tyrion Lannister: Worse: he's borrowing it.
Bronn: What's wrong with that?
Tyrion Lannister: We can't afford to pay it back. That's what's wrong with it. The Crown owes millions to my father.
Bronn: Seeing as it's his grandson's ass on the throne, I imagine he'll forgive that debt.
Tyrion Lannister: Forgive a debt? My father? For a man of the world, you're strangely naive.
Bronn: I've never borrowed money before. I'm not clear on the rules.
Tyrion Lannister: Well, ahem, the basic principle is I lend you money, and after an agreed-upon period of time, you return it with interest.
Bronn: And what if I don't?
Tyrion Lannister: Well, you have to.
Bronn: But what if I don't?
Tyrion Lannister: This is why I don't lend you money. Anyway, it's not my father I'm worried about, it's the Iron Bank of Braavos. We owe them tens of millions. If we fail to repay these loans, the Bank will fund our enemies. One way or another, they always get their gold back.

[Tyrion, Bronn and Podrick walk through Littlefinger's brothel with a wagon filled with the kingdom's ledgers]
Tyrion Lannister: Podrick?
Podrick Payne: Yes, my lord?
Tyrion Lannister: After a long consultation with my colleague, Ser Bronn, I've finally found a suitable reward for the services you've provided over and above what might be considered reasonable. Tell me, Pod...
[they enter a different room of the brothel]
Tyrion Lannister: ...have you ever been with a woman?
Podrick Payne: No, my lord.
Tyrion Lannister: Wonderful. Genna specializes in first-timers.
[a curtain pulls back to reveal a naked courtesan]
Bronn: She's not bad with second-timers, either.
Podrick Payne: Uh, my Lord...
Tyrion Lannister: A fair enough repayment for putting your spear through my would-be killer's face, wouldn't you say? Now, as it happens Marei...
[Genna approaches Pod, caressing him. He walks backwards, embarrassed. Another curtain opens to reveal another naked courtesan]
Tyrion Lannister: ...is quite the spear-handler herself. She's here to thank you for staying by my side as the battle raged all around us.
Marei: He's handsome. You didn't tell me he was handsome.
Tyrion Lannister: Kayla...
[Marei approaches Pod. She and Marei start to strip him. A third curtain opens to reveal a very flexible courtesan]
Tyrion Lannister: ...is famous from here to Volantis... in certain circles. One of four women in the world who can perform a proper Meereenese Knot.
Podrick Payne: [overwhelmed] My Lord, I...
[Kayla spreads her legs, demonstrating just how flexible she is]
Tyrion Lannister: She's here to thank you for being a thoroughly respectful fellow who's never once failed to address me as "my Lord." Be back in time for my supper.
[Tyrion puts a bag of gold on the table and leaves with Bronn and the ledgers]
Bronn: Pace yourself, lad.

Tyrion Lannister: Master of Coin?
Tywin Lannister: It would appear to be a position that best suits your talents.
Tyrion Lannister: I'm quite good at spending money, but a lifetime of outrageous wealth hasn't taught me much about managing it.

"Game of Thrones: The Ghost of Harrenhal (#2.5)" (2012)
Protestor: Brother fornicates with sister in the bed of kings. Are we surprised when the fruit of their incest is rotten? Yes. A rotten king.
Tyrion Lannister: It's hard to argue with his assessment.
Bronn: Not after what he did to your birthday present.
Tyrion Lannister: The king is a lost cause. It's the rest of us I'm worried about now.

Tyrion Lannister: I remember reading an old sailor's proverb. Piss on wildfire and your cock burns off.
Hallyne: Oh, I have not conducted this experiment. It could well be true.

[Tyrion and Cersei are discussing Renly's mysterious death]
Cersei Lannister: Killed? By whom?
Tyrion Lannister: Accounts differ. Most seem to implicate Catelyn Stark in some way.
Cersei Lannister: Really? Who'd have thought?
Tyrion Lannister: Some say it was one of his own Kingsguard, while still others say it was Stannis himself who did it after negotiations went sour.
Cersei Lannister: Whomever did it, I say well done.
Tyrion Lannister: That's not what Varys says. He says Renly's army is flocking to support Stannis, which would give Stannis superiority over us on both land and sea.
Cersei Lannister: Littlefinger says we can outspend him three-to-one.
Tyrion Lannister: And I say Father raised you to have too much respect for money.

Tyrion Lannister: Stannis Baratheon is coming for us, sooner rather than later.
Cersei Lannister: Aren't there other things you should be doing, like sealing my daughter in a crate so you can ship her away?
Tyrion Lannister: She'll be safer in Dorne.
Cersei Lannister: Yes, I know how "concerned" you are for her safety.
Tyrion Lannister: It so happens that I am. Myrcella is a sweet, innocent girl, and I don't blame her at all for you.
Cersei Lannister: So clever. Aren't you? Always so clever with your schemes and your plots.
Tyrion Lannister: Schemes and plots are the same thing.

Lancel Lannister: [Lancel is in Tyrion's palanquin to discuss Cersei's plans] It's wildfire.
Tyrion Lannister: Wildfire? You wouldn't lie to me, would you, cousin?
Lancel Lannister: No.
Tyrion Lannister: That's a lie right there.
Lancel Lannister: It is NOT a lie. Why would I lie?
Tyrion Lannister: Tell me: if the vile allegations against my brother and sister are true, do you think it will make Jaime more likely to kill you, or less likely? When I tell him you're fucking her, I mean.
Lancel Lannister: I'm telling you the truth...
Tyrion Lannister: The smart money would be on "more likely."
Lancel Lannister: She's making wildfire, I sw...
Tyrion Lannister: But then, perhaps his own unnatural urges would give him sympathy for yours.
Lancel Lannister: The Alchemists' Guild is being commissioned...
Tyrion Lannister: I suppose there's only one way to find out.
Lancel Lannister: They have thousands of pots, already stored in their vaults. They are planning to launch it from the city walls in Stannis' ships and armies. Please!
Tyrion Lannister: When did she tell you this?
Lancel Lannister: I heard her talking with the pyromancer. And the other night, after I left her, she went to meet him. I swear to you.
Tyrion Lannister: Swear to me on what?
Lancel Lannister: On my life!
Tyrion Lannister: But I don't care about your life.
Lancel Lannister: In the light of the Seven, by all that is holy and right, I, Lancel Lannister, do solemnly vow...
Tyrion Lannister: All right, all right, enough. Even torturing you is boring. Just get out.
[he kicks Lancel out of the palanquin]
Tyrion Lannister: Oh, Lancel, tell my friend Bronn to please kill you if anything should happen to me.
[Bronn, who is waiting outside, looks at Lancel expectantly]
Lancel Lannister: Please kill me if anything should happen to Lord Tyrion.
[he runs away]
Bronn: It will be my pleasure.

"Game of Thrones: Book of the Stranger (#6.4)" (2016)
Tyrion Lannister: Trust me. My own recent experience with slavery has taught me the horrors of that institution.
Missandei: How many days were you a slave?
Tyrion Lannister: Long enough to know.
Missandei: Not long enough to understand.

Lord Varys: You invite the enemy into our city?
Tyrion Lannister: I did. As a clever man once told me, "We make peace with our enemies, not our friends."

Tyrion Lannister: Slavery is a horror that should be ended at once. War is a horror that should be ended at once.

[Grey Worm speaks about the slave masters]
Grey Worm: You don't know them. You don't understand them. We are not human in their eyes. They look at me and see a weapon. They look at her...
[Grey Worm points toward Missandei]
Grey Worm: ...and see a whore.
Tyrion Lannister: They look at me and they see a misshapen little beast. Their contempt is their weakness. They'll underestimate us every time and we will use that to our advantage.
Grey Worm: You will not use them. They will use you. That is what they do.

Tyrion Lannister: As a clever man once told me, We make peace with our enemies, Not our friends.

"Game of Thrones: Lord Snow (#1.3)" (2011)
Tyrion Lannister: No one turns away a Lannister.

Yoren: Bear's balls.
Tyrion Lannister: Oh, you're joking.
Yoren: And his brains, and his guts, his lungs, and his heart, all fried in his own fat. Well, when you're a hundred miles north of the Wall and you ate your last meal a week ago, you leave nothing for the wolves.
Tyrion Lannister: And how do a bear's balls taste?
Yoren: Bit chewy.
[they laugh]
Yoren: What about you, my lord? What's the strangest thing you've eaten?
Tyrion Lannister: Do Dornish girls count?
[they laugh again]

Tyrion Lannister: So... you roam the Seven Kingdoms collaring pickpockets and horse thieves and bring them here as eager recruits.
Yoren: Aye. Well, it's not all of 'em's done bad things. Some of 'em's just poor lads looking for steady feed. Some of 'em's highborn lads looking for glory.
Tyrion Lannister: Better chance of finding feed than glory.
Benjen Stark: [walks in] The Night's Watch is a joke to you, is it? Is that what we are, Lannister? An army of jesters in black?
Tyrion Lannister: You don't have enough men to be an army, and aside from Yoren here, none of you are particularly funny.
Benjen Stark: I hope we provided you with some good stories to tell when you're back in King's Landing. That's something to think about when you're drinking your wine down there, enjoying your brothels. Half the boys you've seen training will die north of the Wall. Might be a wildling's axe that gets them. Might be sickness. Might just be the cold. They die in pain... and they do it so plump little lords like you can enjoy their summer afternoons in peace and comfort.
Tyrion Lannister: [to Yoren] Do you think I'm plump?
[Yoren smiles and looks away]
Tyrion Lannister: Listen, Benjen - may I call you Benjen?
Benjen Stark: Call me what you like.
Tyrion Lannister: I'm not sure what I've done to offend you. I have great admiration for the Night's Watch. I have great admiration for you as First Ranger...
Benjen Stark: You know, my brother once told me that nothing someone says before the word "but" really counts.
Tyrion Lannister: But... I don't believe that giants and ghouls and white walkers are lurking beyond the Wall. I believe that the only difference between us and the wildlings is that when that Wall went up, our ancestors happened to live on the right side of it.
Benjen Stark: You're right. The wildlings are no different from us. A little rougher, maybe. But they're made of meat and bone. I know how to track 'em and I know how to kill 'em. It's not the wildlings giving me sleepless nights. You've never been north of the Wall, so don't tell me what's out there.
[Benjen turns to leave]
Yoren: You going below?
[Yoren and Benjen shake hands]
Yoren: Keep well, keep warm.
Benjen Stark: Enjoy the capital, brother.
Yoren: Oh, I always do.
[Benjen walks out]
Tyrion Lannister: I think he's starting to like me.

Tyrion Lannister: Never forget what you are, the rest of world will not. Wear it like an armor and it can never be used to hurt you.

"Game of Thrones: Home (#6.2)" (2016)
Tyrion Lannister: The next time I have an idea like that... punch me in the face!

Tyrion Lannister: [to Varys] If I lost my cock I would drink all the time.
[to Grey Worm]
Tyrion Lannister: Meaning no offense. He makes dwarf jokes, I make eunuch jokes.
Lord Varys: I do not make dwarf jokes.
Tyrion Lannister: You think them.

Tyrion Lannister: Dragons do not do well in captivity.
Missandei: How do you know this?
Tyrion Lannister: That's what I do. I drink and I know things.

Tyrion Lannister: [talking to the two dragons] I'm friends with your mother. I'm here to help. Don't eat the help.

"Game of Thrones: The Lion and the Rose (#4.2)" (2014)
Sansa Stark: We have a new queen.
Tyrion Lannister: Better her than you.

Oberyn Martell: Hello.
Tyrion Lannister: Hello.
Oberyn Martell: Not you.

Bronn: All taken care of.
Tyrion Lannister: You saw her board the ship?
Bronn: Aye, she's on it.
Tyrion Lannister: And you saw the ship sail away?
Bronn: No one knows she's there but you, me, and Varys.
Tyrion Lannister: How do you know?
Bronn: Because if someone follows me without an invitation, I'm the last person they ever follow.
Tyrion Lannister: [worriedly] Is someone following you?
[Bronn puts a hand on Tyrion's shoulder]
Bronn: She's gone. I know you don't want to believe it, but she is. Now, go drink until it feels like you did the right thing.

[Jaime and Tyrion are eating dinner together; Jaime hasn't touched his food]
Tyrion Lannister: Your new hand is nicer than the old one. Wouldn't you agree, Pod?
Podrick Payne: Is it solid gold?
Tyrion Lannister: Gilded steel. Not eating. Why is no one eating? My wife wastes away, my brother starves himself...
Jaime Lannister: I'm not hungry.
Tyrion Lannister: You lost a hand, not a stomach. Try the boar. Cersei can't get enough since one killed Robert for her.
[Pod steps forward with a sausage on a fork, but Jaime waves it away. Tyrion picks up his cup of wine]
Tyrion Lannister: A toast. To the proud Lannister children: the dwarf, the cripple, and the mother of madness.
[Jaime reaches for his cup, but he accidentally knocks it over with his new hand]
Podrick Payne: I'll clean it up...
Jaime Lannister: No, I'll do it. Leave us.
[Pod leaves; Tyrion pours his cup onto the table]
Tyrion Lannister: It's only wine.
Jaime Lannister: [quietly] I can't fight anymore.
Tyrion Lannister: What about your left?
Jaime Lannister: I can hold a sword, but all my instincts are wrong. How can I protect the king when I can hardly wipe my own arse?
Tyrion Lannister: You're the Lord Commander now. Command. Let others do the fighting. When was the last time Father used a sword?
Jaime Lannister: I'm not Father, I'm the Kingslayer. When people find out I can't slay a pigeon...
Tyrion Lannister: Train, then. Learn to fight with your other hand.
Jaime Lannister: With whom? You? Men talk. As soon as someone discovers I can't fight, he'll tell everyone.
[Tyrion considers him for a moment]
Tyrion Lannister: You need a proper, discreet swordsman. As it happens, I have just the one.

"Game of Thrones: The Night Lands (#2.2)" (2012)
Tyrion Lannister: Tell me, when your men slaughtered Ned Stark's men at the throne room, did you give the orders?
Janos Slynt: I did, and I would again. The man was a traitor. He tried to buy my loyalty.
Tyrion Lannister: [teasing] The fool. He had no idea you were already bought.
Janos Slynt: [angrily] Are you drunk? I won't have my honor questioned by an imp!
Tyrion Lannister: I'm not questioning your honor, Lord Janos. I'm denying its existence.
[Janos jumps on his feet furiously]
Janos Slynt: If you think I'll stand here and take this from you, dwarf...
Tyrion Lannister: "Dwarf"? You should have stopped at "imp". And yes, you will stand here and take it from me, unless you like to take it from my friend here.
[Janos notices that Bronn stands near him]
Tyrion Lannister: I intend to serve as Hand of the King until my father returns from the war. And seeing as you betrayed the last Hand of the King, well, I just wouldn't feel safe with you lurking about.
Janos Slynt: Did you... my friends at the court will not allow this! The queen herself...
Tyrion Lannister: The queen regent. And you are a fool to believe she is your friend.
Janos Slynt: [hissing] We shall hear what Joffrey has to say about this!
Tyrion Lannister: No, we shall not.
[several guards of the City Watch enter]
Tyrion Lannister: There's a ship leaving for Eastwatch-by-the-Sea tonight. From there, I'm afraid it's rather long walk to Castle Black. I hope you enjoy the Wall. I found it surprisingly beautiful... in a brutal, horribly uncomfortable sort of way.
Bronn: The lads will escort you. The streets aren't safe at night, my Lord.
Janos Slynt: [angrily] These men are under my command!
[Bronn grins teasingly]
Janos Slynt: [to the guards] I command you to arrest this cutthroat!
Tyrion Lannister: His name is Bronn, and he is the new commander of the City Watch.
Bronn: [to the guards] Boys...
[the guards drag Janos Slynt outside, despite his loud protests]

Cersei Lannister: You want to be Hand of the King? You want to rule? This is what ruling is; lying on a bed of weeds, ripping them out by the root, one by one, before they strangle you in your sleep!
Tyrion Lannister: I'm no king, but I think there's more to ruling than that.
Cersei Lannister: I don't care what you think! You've never taken it seriously; you haven't, Jaime hasn't! It's all fallen on me.
Tyrion Lannister: As has Jaime repeatedly, according to Stannis Baratheon.
Cersei Lannister: You're funny. You've always been funny, but none of your jokes will match the first one, will they? Do you remember, back when you ripped my mother open on your way out of her and she bled to death?
Tyrion Lannister: She was my mother too.
Cersei Lannister: Mother gone, for the sake of you. There's no bigger joke in the world than that.

Shae: And I tell him the story of how we meet.
Lord Varys: To find so lovely a creature working in your father's kitchens - it almost beggars belief.
Tyrion Lannister: Strange things do happen. You should taste her fish pie.
Shae: I don't think Lord Varys likes fish pie.

Tyrion Lannister: I'm not questioning your honor, Lord Janos. I'm denying its existence.

"Game of Thrones: The Prince of Winterfell (#2.8)" (2012)
Lord Varys: My Lord Hand, Commander. I must compliment on the Gold Cloaks' performance these last few weeks.
[to Tyrion]
Lord Varys: Did you know there has been a marked drop in thievery?
Tyrion Lannister: I did not know.
[to Bronn]
Tyrion Lannister: And how did you accomplish this marked drop in thievery?
Bronn: Me and the lads rounded up all the known thieves.
Tyrion Lannister: For questioning?
Bronn: Uh, no.
[Tyrion looks annoyed]
Bronn: It's just the unknown thieves we've got to worry about now.
Tyrion Lannister: We talked about this.
Bronn: Aye, we talked about it. Have you ever been in a city under siege? Maybe this part's not in your books. See, it's not the fighting that kills most people; it's the starving. Food's worth more than gold. Noble ladies sell their diamonds for a sack of potatoes. Things get bad enough, the poor start eating each other. The thieves, they love a siege. Soon as the gates are sealed, they steal all the food. By the time it's all over, they're the richest men in town.
Lord Varys: Given the circumstances, my lord, I believe extreme measures are warranted.

Tyrion Lannister: [to Cersei] I will hurt you for this. A day will come when you think you are safe and happy, and your joy will turn to ashes in your mouth. And you will know the debt is paid.

Joffrey Baratheon: You're the master of whisperers, you're supposed to know everything!
Lord Varys: No man can be in all rooms at all times. I have many little birds in the North, my lord, but I haven't heard their songs since Theon Greyjoy captured Winterfell.
Joffrey Baratheon: The Stark forces are distracted. Now is the time to strike.
Tyrion Lannister: To strike? My dear nephew, you do see these men preparing the walls for siege? You do understand Stannis Baratheon sails this way?
Joffrey Baratheon: If my uncle Stannis lands on the shores of King's Landing, I'll ride out to greet him.
Tyrion Lannister: A brave choice, Your Grace. I'm sure your men will line up behind you.
Joffrey Baratheon: They say Stannis never smiles.
[Joffrey briefly unsheathes his dagger]
Joffrey Baratheon: I'll give him a red smile. From ear to ear.
[Joffrey walks away]
Tyrion Lannister: Imagine Stannis' terror.
Lord Varys: I am trying.

Tyrion Lannister: You're an intelligent man. I like to think I'm an intelligent man.
Lord Varys: Oh, no one disputes that, my lord, not even the multitudes who despise you.
Tyrion Lannister: I wish we could converse as two honest, intelligent men.
Lord Varys: I wish we could, too.
Tyrion Lannister: [brief pause] What do you want? Tell me.
Lord Varys: If we're going to play, you'll have to start.
Tyrion Lannister: My brother was the youngest Kingsguard in history. My sister became queen at the age of nineteen. When I reached manhood, my father put me in charge of all the drains and cisterns in Casterly Rock.
Lord Varys: A most highborn plumber.
Tyrion Lannister: The water never flowed better. And all the shit found its way to the sea. Never expected to have any real power. So when my father named me acting Hand...
Lord Varys: You're quite good at being Hand, you know. Jon Arryn and Ned Stark were good men. Honorable men. But they disdained the game and those who played. You enjoy the game.
Tyrion Lannister: I do. Last thing I expected.
Lord Varys: And you play it well.
Tyrion Lannister: I'd like to keep playing it. If Stannis breaches the gates, the game is over.
Lord Varys: They say he burns his enemies alive to honor the Lord of Light.
Tyrion Lannister: The Lord of Light wants his enemies burned. The Drowned God wants them drowned. Why are all the gods such vicious cunts? Where is the god of tits and wine?
Lord Varys: In the Summer Isles, they worship a fertility goddess with sixteen teats.
Tyrion Lannister: We should sail there immediately.
Lord Varys: [brief pause] This morning I heard a song. All the way from Qarth, beyond the Red Waste. Danaerys Targaryen lives.
Tyrion Lannister: A girl at the edge of the world is the least of our problems.
Lord Varys: She has three dragons. But even if what they say is true, it will be years before they are fully grown. And then there'll be nowhere to hide.
Tyrion Lannister: One game at a time, my friend.

"Game of Thrones: Baelor (#1.9)" (2011)
[Tyrion and Tywin talk about the savages of the mountain clans that Tyrion recruited recently]
Tyrion Lannister: Ferocious? Last night, a Moon Brother stabbed a Stone Crow over a sausage. Three Stone Crows seized the Moon Brother and opened his throat. Bronn managed to keep Shagga from chopping off the dead man's cock, which was fortunate but even still, Olf is demanding blood money, which Shagga and Gunther refuse to pay.
Tywin Lannister: When soldiers lack discipline, the fault lies with their commander.
Tyrion Lannister: Surely there are ways to have me killed that would be less detrimental to the war effort!

Bronn: Our lord here used to be married.
Shae: Married?
Tyrion Lannister: [annoyed] How did you hear that?
Bronn: You hear lot of things playing dice with Lannister soldiers.
Tyrion Lannister: [stands] Another night, perhaps.
Shae: [grabs his hand] Not another night. This night!
Tyrion Lannister: It's not a pleasant story.
Shae: Or maybe I will cry.
Bronn: I'm guessing the lady and I can tell more unpleasant stories than your lordship.
Tyrion Lannister: [sits down] So... I was sixteen. My brother Jaime and I were riding when we heard a scream. She ran out onto the road, clothes half torn off, with two men on her heels. Jaime scared away the men easily enough while I wrapped her in my cloak. She was too scared to send off on her own, so Jaime hunted down the rapers, I took her to the nearest inn and fed her. Her name was Tysha. She was a wheelwright's orphan, and she was hungry. Together we finished off three chickens and a flagon of wine. Impossible as it seems, there was a time when I was unaccustomed to wine. I forgot how frail I was around girls. I was always waiting for them to laugh at me, or look away embarrassed, or ask me about my tall handsome brother. I forgot about everything but Tysha, and somehow I found myself in her bed...
Bronn: For three chickens, I should hope so!
Tyrion Lannister: Didn't last long: I didn't know what the hell I was doing. But she was good to me. She kissed me afterwards, and sang me a song, and by morning I was deep enough in love to ask for her hand. A few lies, a few gold coins, and one drunken septon, and there you have it: man and wife. A fortnight anyway, until the septon sobered up and told my father...
Bronn: Well, I imagine that was the end of all that.
Tyrion Lannister: Not quite. First my father had Jaime tell me the truth: the girl was a whore, you see. Jaime had arranged the whole thing: the road, the rapers, all of it. He thought it was time I had a woman. After my brother confessed, my father brought in my wife and gave her to his guards. He paid her well, a silver for each of them. How many whores command that kind of price? He brought me into the barracks and made me watch. By the end, she had so much silver, that the coins were slipping through her fingers and rolling onto the floor.
Bronn: I would have killed the man who did that to me.
Shae: You should have known she was a whore.
Tyrion Lannister: Really? I was sixteen, drunk and in love.
Shae: A girl who is almost raped doesn't invite another man into her bed two hours later.
Tyrion Lannister: As I said, I was young and stupid.
Shae: You are still young and stupid.
[Shae approaches Tyrion and lies on top of him. They start having sex. Bronn realizes that he is not needed, and leaves]

Shae: What do you want from me?
Tyrion Lannister: What do I want from you? I want you to share my tent. I want you to pour my wine, laugh at my jokes, rub my legs when they're sore after a day's ride. I want you to take no other man to bed as long as we're together. And I want you to fuck me like it's my last night in this world. Which it may well be.

Tyrion Lannister: And here we have Bronn, son of...
Bronn: You wouldn't know him.

"Game of Thrones: The Children (#4.10)" (2014)
Tyrion Lannister: Oh get on with it, you son of a whore!
Jaime Lannister: Is that any way to speak about our mother?

[after being released from jail by Jaime, Tyrion sneaks into his father's chambers. He finds Shae in Tywin's bed, wearing the golden chain he gave her once]
Shae: [mumbles] Tywin? My lion.
[Shae raises her head. As her vision becomes clear, she sees Tyrion, looking hurt and betrayed. She grabs a knife. Tyrion charges at her. They fight, and Tyrion forces her to drop the knife. They continue to struggle violently. Tyrion grabs the chain around her neck and strangles her with it until she is dead. He sinks to the floor and sits next to Shae's lifeless body, weeping]
Tyrion Lannister: I'm sorry... I'm sorry.
[Tyrion stares at the wall across the room and sees several weapons on display, among them a crossbow, and his expression quickly darkens. He takes the crossbow, then heads down the hall to the privy, opening the door to find his father seated upon the toilet]

[after killing Shae, Tyrion stares at the wall across the room and sees several weapons on display, among them a crossbow, and his expression quickly darkens. He takes the crossbow, then heads down the hall to the privy, opening the door to find his father seated upon the toilet. Tywin seems surprised to see Tyrion, but quickly regains his composure]
Tywin Lannister: [dryly] Tyrion. Put down the crossbow.
[Tyrion does not comply]
Tywin Lannister: Who released you? Your brother, I expect. He always had a soft spot for you. Come, we'll go and talk in my chambers.
[Tywin starts to stand, but Tyrion steadies the crossbow, stopping Tywin dead in his tracks]
Tywin Lannister: This is how you want to speak to me, hmm? Shaming your father has always given you pleasure.
Tyrion Lannister: All my life you've wanted me dead.
Tywin Lannister: [nods] Yes. But you refused to die. I respect that. Even admire it. You fight for what's yours. I'd never let them execute you. Is that what you fear? I'll never let Ilyn Payne take your head. You're a Lannister. You're my son.
[Tyrion does not believe his father]
Tyrion Lannister: [quietly] I loved her.
Tywin Lannister: Who?
Tyrion Lannister: Shae.
Tywin Lannister: [sneers] Oh, Tyrion. Put down that crossbow.
Tyrion Lannister: I murdered her. With my own hands.
Tywin Lannister: [shakes his head] It doesn't matter.
Tyrion Lannister: Doesn't matter?
Tywin Lannister: She was a whore.
Tyrion Lannister: [raises the crossbow angrily] Say that word again...
Tywin Lannister: And what? You'll kill your own father in the privy? No. You're my son. Now, enough of this nonsense.
Tyrion Lannister: I am your son and you sentenced me to die. You knew I didn't poison Joffrey, but you sentenced me all the same. Why?
Tywin Lannister: Enough. We'll go back to my chambers and speak with some dignity.
Tyrion Lannister: I can't go back there. She's in there.
Tywin Lannister: You're afraid of a dead whore?
[the moment Tywin says the word "whore" again despite being warned not to, Tyrion shoots, hitting Tywin in the belly and knocking him backwards]

[Tyrion shoots, hitting Tywin in the belly and knocking him backwards. Tywin groans in pain. Tyrion reloads the crossbow]
Tywin Lannister: [painfully] You shot me. Ohh... you're no son of mine.
Tyrion Lannister: I am your son. I have always been your son.
[Tyrion shoots again, killing his father. Tyrion discards the crossbow as he leaves. The door opens, Varys stands there. He is shocked to see Tywin dead]
Lord Varys: What have you done?
[Tyrion does not answer]
Lord Varys: Quickly.
[Varys pulls Tyrion, bolting the door behind them. He leads Tyrion to a room where is a large crate]
Lord Varys: Trust me, my friend. I brought you this far.
[Varys helps Tyrion to enter the crate, then shuts it. Moments later, the crate is stowed aboard a ship. Varys begins walking back towards the Red Keep, but stops when he hears the bells tolling, signaling that Tywin's body has been discovered. Realizing that returning to the castle is unsafe, Varys turns around and heads back for the ship, sitting next to Tyrion's crate in silence as the ship sails for Essos]

"Game of Thrones: No One (#6.8)" (2016)
Lord Varys: I can't go off on a secret mission in the company of the most famous dwarf in the city.
Tyrion Lannister: The most famous dwarf in the world.

Tyrion Lannister: Tell a joke!
Missandei: Two translators are on a sinking ship. The first says, "Do you know how to swim?" The second says, "No, but I can shout for help in 19 languages."
[Tyrion feigns laughing]
Grey Worm: That is the worst joke I ever heard.

Tyrion Lannister: What's your excuse?
Missandei: I have tried wine before. It made me feel funny.
Tyrion Lannister: That's how you know it's working.

Tyrion Lannister: One day, after our queen has taken the Seven Kingdoms, I'd like to have my own vineyard. Make my own wine. The Imp's Delight. Only my close friends could drink it.

"Game of Thrones: The Kingsroad (#1.2)" (2011)
Tyrion Lannister: A mind needs books like a sword needs a whetstone.

Jon Snow: Why do you read so much?
Tyrion Lannister: Look at me and tell me what you see.
Jon Snow: Is this a trick?
Tyrion Lannister: What you see is a dwarf. If I had been born a peasant, they might have left me out in the woods to die. Alas, I was born a Lannister of Casterly Rock. Things are expected of me. My father was the Hand of the King for twenty years.
Jon Snow: Until your brother killed that king.
Tyrion Lannister: ...Yes. Until my brother killed him. Life is full of these little ironies. My sister married the new king, and my repulsive nephew will be king after him. I must do my part for the honor of my house; wouldn't you agree? But how? Well, my brother has his sword, and I have my mind. And a mind needs books like a sword needs a whetstone. That's why I read so much, Jon Snow.

Jaime Lannister: But even if the boy lives he would be a cripple, a grotesque. Give me a good, clean death anyday.
Tyrion Lannister: Speaking for the grotesques, I have to disagree. Death is so final, yet life is full of possibilities. I hope the boy does wake. I'd be very interested to hear what he has to say.
Jaime Lannister: Dear brother, there are times you make me wonder whose side you're on.
Tyrion Lannister: Dear brother, you wound me. You know how much I love my family.

Tyrion Lannister: Before you go, you will call on Lord and Lady Stark and offer your sympathies.
Joffrey Baratheon: What good will my sympathies do then?
Tyrion Lannister: None. But it is expected of you. Your absence has already been noted.
Joffrey Baratheon: The boy means nothing to me. And I can't stand the wailing of women.
[Tyrion slaps Joffrey]
Tyrion Lannister: One word and I hit you again.
Joffrey Baratheon: I'm telling mother!
[Tyrion slaps Joffrey again]
Tyrion Lannister: Go! Tell her. But first you will get to Lord and Lady Stark, and you will fall on your knees and tell them how very sorry you are, that you are at their service and that all your prayers are with them. *Do you understand?*
Joffrey Baratheon: You can't!
[Tyrion slaps Joffrey again]
Tyrion Lannister: Do you understand?
[Joffery leaves angrily]
Sandor Clegane: The prince will remember that, little lord.
Tyrion Lannister: I hope so. If he forgets, be a good dog and remind him.

"Game of Thrones: A Golden Crown (#1.6)" (2011)
Tyrion Lannister: When I was twelve, I milked my eel into a pot of turtle stew. I flogged the one-eyed snake, I skinned my sausage, I made the bald man cry, into the turtle stew! Which I do believe my sister ate, at least I hope she did.

[Tyrion is brought before Lysa, after asking to confess his crimes]
Lysa Arryn: You wish to confess your crimes?
Tyrion Lannister: Yes, My Lady. I do, My Lady.
Lysa Arryn: [smiles triumaphantly] The sky cells always break them! Speak, Imp. Meet your gods as an honest man.
Tyrion Lannister: [meekly] Where do I begin, my lords and ladies? I am a vile man, I confess it. My crimes and sins are beyond counting. I have lied and cheated, gambled and whored. I'm not particularly good at violence, but I'm good at convincing others to do violence for me. You want specifics, I suppose. When I was seven, I saw a servant girl bathing in the river. I stole her robe and she was forced to return to the castle naked and in tears. I close my eyes, but I can still see her tits bouncing...
[Bronn and others chuckle]
Tyrion Lannister: When I was ten, I stuffed my uncle's boots with goat shit. When confronted with my crime, I blamed a squire. Poor boy was flogged, and I escaped justice. When I was twelve I milked my eel into a pot of turtle stew. I flogged the one-eyed snake, I skinned my sausage. I made the bald man cry into the turtle stew, which I do believe my sister ate. At least I hope she did. I once brought a jackass and a honeycomb into a brothel...
[many of the crowd burst out laughing. Lysa explodes in rage, realizing that Tyrion is making fun of her]
Lysa Arryn: Silence!
Robin Arryn: What happened next?
Lysa Arryn: [angrily] What do you think you're doing?
Tyrion Lannister: [innocently] Confessing my crimes.

[Tyrion rolls in his sleep very close to the edge of the cell, almost falling to his death. He wakes up in time, and quickly gets as far as he can from the chasm. He approaches the door, knocks and calls Mord the gaoler]
Tyrion Lannister: Mord! Turn-key! Mord! Mord!
[Mord, mean bully with little brain, enters the cell. He starts beating Tyrion with leather strap, making him retreat to the edge of the chasm]
Mord: [angrily] Dwarf man making noise!
Tyrion Lannister: How would you like to be rich?
Mord: [beats Tyrion again] Dwarf man still making noise!
Tyrion Lannister: [desperately] My family is rich. We have gold, lots of gold. I'm prepared to give you lots of gold if...
[Mord searches Tyrion's pockets, finding them empty]
Mord: No gold!
[Mord beats Tyrion once more]
Tyrion Lannister: Well, I don't have it HERE.
Mord: No gold!
[Mord beats Tyrion one last time and turns to leave]
Mord: Fuck off!
[Mord exits the cell]

[Tyrion tries once again to free himself. He leans on the cell door, kicks it and repeatedly calls Mord the gaoler. Mord hears him and enters the cell, waving the leather strap. Tyrion slumps on the floor]
Mord: Noise again?
Tyrion Lannister: About the gold...
[Mord beats Tyrion]
Mord: No gold! No gold!
Tyrion Lannister: [desperately] Listen to me. Listen to me! Sometimes possession is an abstract concept...
[Mord beats Tyrion, clearly angry at him for using difficult words which he cannot preceive with his limited intelligence. Tyrion groans in pain]
Tyrion Lannister: When they captured me, they took my purse, but the gold is still mine!
Mord: [holds the strap threateningly close to Tyrion's face] Where?
Tyrion Lannister: Where? I don't know where...
[Mord beats Tyrion]
Tyrion Lannister: ...but when they free me...
Mord: You want free?
[mockingly, Mord gestures to the six-hundred-feet-long drop where the cell ends]
Mord: Go be free!
Tyrion Lannister: Have you ever heard the phrase "rich as a Lannister"?
[Mord struggles to think it over]
Tyrion Lannister: [talks slowly] Of course you have! You're a smart man. You know who the Lannisters are. I am a Lannister. Tyrion, son of Tywin. Of course, you have also heard the phrase "a Lannister always pays his debts". If you deliver a message from me...
[Tyrion starts to stands, but Mord waves the strap, so Tyrion stops]
Tyrion Lannister: ...to Lady Arryn, I will be in your debt. I will owe you gold... if you deliver the message, and I live, which I very much intend to do.
Mord: [suspiciously] What message?
[slowly and cautiously, Tyrion stands]
Tyrion Lannister: Tell her I wish to confess my crimes.
[shortly afterwards, Tyrion is brought before Lady Arryn]

"Game of Thrones: High Sparrow (#5.3)" (2015)
Tyrion Lannister: I will not be of any use to Daenerys Targaryen if I lose my mind. I can't remember the last face I saw that wasn't yours.
Lord Varys: It's a perfectly good face.

Lord Varys: Where are you going?
Tyrion Lannister: I need to speak to someone with hair.

Brothel Guard: [after rubbing Tyrion's head] It's good luck to rub a dwarf's head.
Tyrion Lannister: It's even better luck to suck a dwarf's cock.

"Game of Thrones: Oathkeeper (#4.4)" (2014)
[Jaime is visiting Tyrion in his cell]
Jaime Lannister: To tell you the truth, this isn't so bad. Four walls. A pot to piss in. I was chained to a wooden post, covered in my own shit, for months.
Tyrion Lannister: Is that supposed to make me feel better?
Jaime Lannister: Maybe a bit.
Jaime Lannister: I'm sorry I didn't come sooner.
Tyrion Lannister: It's complicated, yes. So how is our sister?
Tyrion Lannister: How do you think? Her son died in her arms.
Tyrion Lannister: "Her" son?
Jaime Lannister: [quietly] Don't.

Jaime Lannister: You know what's coming?
Tyrion Lannister: Mm, my trial for regicide, yes, I know. I know the whole bloody country thinks I'm guilty. I know that one of my three judges has wished me dead more times than I can count, and that judge is my father. As for Cersei, well, she's probably working on a way to avoid a trial altogether by having me killed.
Jaime Lannister: Now that you mention it, she did ask.
Tyrion Lannister: So should I turn around and close my eyes?
Jaime Lannister: Depends. Did you do it?
[Tyrion looks at him for a moment]
Tyrion Lannister: "The Kingslayer Brothers." You like it? I like it.
Tyrion Lannister: You're really asking if I killed your son?
Jaime Lannister: Are you really asking if I'd kill my brother?

Jaime Lannister: How can I help you?
Tyrion Lannister: Well, you can set me free.
Jaime Lannister: You know I can't.
Tyrion Lannister: Then there's really nothing else to say.
Jaime Lannister: What do you want me to do? Kill the guards? Sneak you out of the city in the back of a cart? I'm the Lord Commander of the Kingsguard.
Tyrion Lannister: [sarcastically] Sorry, I'd forgotten. I'd hate for you to do something inappropriate.
Jaime Lannister: Inappropriate? You're accused of killing the king. Freeing you is treason.
Tyrion Lannister: Except I didn't do it!
Jaime Lannister: Which is why we're having a trial.
[Tyrion scoffs]
Tyrion Lannister: A trial! If the killer threw himself before the Iron Throne, confessed to his crimes, and gave irrefutable evidence of his guilt, it wouldn't matter to Cersei. She won't rest until my head's on a spike.
Jaime Lannister: Not just yours. She's offering a knighthood to whomever finds Sansa Stark.
Tyrion Lannister: Sansa couldn't have done this.
Jaime Lannister: She had more reason than anyone in the Seven Kingdoms. Do you think it's a coincidence she disappeared the same night Joffrey died?
Tyrion Lannister: No, but... Sansa's not a killer. Not yet, anyway.

"Game of Thrones: Garden of Bones (#2.4)" (2012)
[at Joffrey's command, Meryn Trant has beaten Sansa and torn her clothes, and he is about to continue beating her. Tyrion intervenes]
Tyrion Lannister: What kind of knight beats a helpless girl?
Meryn Trant: The kind who serves his king, Imp!
Bronn: Careful now. We don't want to get blood all over your pretty white cloak.
Tyrion Lannister: Someone get the girl something to cover herself with.
[Sandor Clegane gives Sansa his cloak]
Tyrion Lannister: [to Joffrey] She's to be your queen! Have you no regard for her honor?
Joffrey Baratheon: I'm punishing her.
Tyrion Lannister: For what crimes? She's not fighting her brother's battle, you halfwit.
Joffrey Baratheon: You can't talk to me like that. The king can do as he likes!
Tyrion Lannister: The Mad King did as he like. Has your uncle Jaime ever told you what happened to him?
Meryn Trant: No one threatens his grace in the presence of the Kingsguard!
Tyrion Lannister: I'm not threatening the king, Ser, I'm educating my nephew.
[Tyrion speaks to Bronn]
Tyrion Lannister: Bronn, the next time the Ser Meryn speaks, kill him.
[Tyrion turns to Ser Meryn]
Tyrion Lannister: THAT was a threat. See the difference?

Tyrion Lannister: I apologize for my nephew's behaviour. Tell me the truth, do you want to end this engagement?
Sansa Stark: I am loyal to King Joffrey, my one true love.
Tyrion Lannister: Lady Stark, you may survive us yet.

Tyrion Lannister: You think dipping his wick will cure what ails him?
Bronn: There's no cure for being a cunt.

"Game of Thrones: Kissed by Fire (#3.5)" (2013)
Tywin Lannister: [Tyrion Lannister enters Tywin's meeting chambers. He sees his sister Cersei and his father Tywin sitting at the table] You're late.
Tyrion Lannister: What is she doing here?
Tywin Lannister: Our business concerns her too. Sit.
Tyrion Lannister: [Tywin sits with a thick book in his hand] You'll be pleased to learn that after one conversation with Olenna Tyrell, I've saved the Crown hundreds of thousands on this wedding.
Tywin Lannister: Never mind that now. We have something important to discuss.
Tyrion Lannister: I'm Master of Coin. Saving money is important.
[Cersei smirks to the point of almost snickering. He looks at her with fuming annoyance]
Tyrion Lannister: Stop that. You're making me uncomfortable.
Tywin Lannister: Your sister has learned that your new friends the Tyrells are plotting marry Sansa Stark to Ser Loras.
Tyrion Lannister: Very well. She's a lovely girl. Missing some of Loras' favorite bits, but I'm sure they'll make do.
Tywin Lannister: Your jokes are not appreciated.
Tyrion Lannister: It wasn't my best, but I thought...
Tywin Lannister: [interrupting Tyrion] I bring them into the royal fold and this is how they repay me, by trying to steal the key to the North out from under me.
Tyrion Lannister: Sansa is the key to the North? I seem to remember she has an older brother.
Tywin Lannister: The Karstarks have marched home. The young wolf has lost half his army. His days are numbered. Theon Greyjoy murdered both his brothers. That makes Sansa Stark the heir to Winterfell. And I'm not about to hand her over to the Tyrells.
Tyrion Lannister: The Tyrell army is helping us to win this war. Do you really think it's wise to refuse them?
Tywin Lannister: There's nothing to refuse. This is a plot. Plots are not public knowledge. And the Tyrells won't carry this one out until after Joffrey's wedding. We need to act first and kill this union in its crib.
Tyrion Lannister: And how do we do that?
Tywin Lannister: We find Sansa Stark a different husband.
Tyrion Lannister: Wonderful.
Cersei Lannister: Yes, it is.
Tyrion Lannister: [Tyrion looks at his sister beaming at him. His eyes widen and immediately learns he's the one his father plans to marry Sansa Stark. He looks back at his father, appalled] You can't mean it.
Tywin Lannister: I can and I do.
Tyrion Lannister: Joffrey has made this poor girl's life miserable since the day he took her father's head. Now she's finally free of him and you want her to give her to me? That's cruel even for you.
Tywin Lannister: Do you intend on mistreating her? The girl's happiness is not my concern - nor should it be yours.
Tyrion Lannister: She's a child!
Cersei Lannister: She's flowered, I assure you. She and I have discussed it at length.

Tywin Lannister: There, you see? You will wed her, bed her, and put a child in her. Surely you're capable of that.
Tyrion Lannister: And if I refuse?
Tywin Lannister: You wanted to be rewarded for your valor in battle. Sansa Stark is a finer reward than you could ever dare hope for. And it is past time you were wed.
Tyrion Lannister: [angrily] I was wed. Or don't you remember you?
Tywin Lannister: [displeased with his son's tone] Only too well.
[Cersei smiles at her brother gloatingly]
Cersei Lannister: You should be thanking the gods for this. This is more than you deserve.
Tywin Lannister: Tyrion will do as he's bid.
[Tywin turns to Cersei]
Tywin Lannister: As will you.
[Cersei's smile fades. She turns to her father, confused and uncertain of what he's talking about]
Cersei Lannister: What do you mean?
Tywin Lannister: You'll marry Ser Loras.
[Tyrion's eyes go from his father to his sister]
Cersei Lannister: I will not.
Tywin Lannister: The boy is heir to Highgarden. Tyrion will secure the North. You will secure the Reach.
Cersei Lannister: No, I won't do it.
Tywin Lannister: Yes, you will. You're still fertile. You need to marry and breed.
Cersei Lannister: [snaps with intense anger] I am Queen Regent, not some broodmare.
Tywin Lannister: [shouts angrily and almost interrupting her] You're my daughter! You will do as I command and you will marry Loras Tyrell and put an end to the disgusting rumors about you once and for all.
Cersei Lannister: [pleading] Father, don't make me do it again, please.
[Tywin gets up, pounding the table with his fist]
Tywin Lannister: Not another word!
[Tywin looks at his children with complete disappointment]
Tywin Lannister: My children. You've disgraced the Lannister name for far too long.

Lady Olenna Tyrell: [Olenna is in Tyrion's chambers to discuss the royal wedding]
[after Pod accidentally overfills her cup of wine]
Lady Olenna Tyrell: Gods, boy, that's enough, we're not in a tavern.
Podrick Payne: Pardon, milady...
Lady Olenna Tyrell: [cutting him off] No need to speak. Are there any figs? Fetch some.
[Pod leaves]
Lady Olenna Tyrell: I always take figs mid-afternoon. They help move the bowels. To what do I owe this summons?
Tyrion Lannister: Thank you for seeing me, my lady. I had hoped we might discuss a few financial matters.
Lady Olenna Tyrell: I climbed all those steps to discuss "financial matters"?
Tyrion Lannister: It's the royal wedding. I'm told you had a hand in planning it.
Lady Olenna Tyrell: Naturally.
Tyrion Lannister: It's shaping up to be a very involved affair. The word "extravagant" has been used.
Lady Olenna Tyrell: What good is the word "extravagant" if it can't be used to describe a royal wedding?
Tyrion Lannister: I understand that.
Lady Olenna Tyrell: Good.
Tyrion Lannister: But, as Master of Coin, it falls upon me to calculate the cost for the crown. As of now, it's a huge expense.
Lady Olenna Tyrell: And?
Tyrion Lannister: And... we're at war, Lady Olenna.
Lady Olenna Tyrell: Ah. I'd nearly forgotten.
Tyrion Lannister: Yes, and maintaining supply lines...
Lady Olenna Tyrell: [cutting him off] I can't think how it slipped my mind. What is it, twelve thousand infantrymen the Tyrell family has supplied? Eighteen hundred mounted lances. Two thousand in support. Provisions, so this city might survive the winter. A millions bushels of wheat. Half a million bushels each of barley, oats, and rye. Twenty thousand head of cattle. Fifty thousand sheep. You don't have to lecture me about wartime expenses, I'm quite familiar with them.
Tyrion Lannister: And we are so grateful for your contributions, which are necessary for the preservation of the realm.
Lady Olenna Tyrell: As is a royal wedding. The people are hungry for more than just food. They crave distractions. And if we don't provide them, they'll create their own. And their distractions are likely to end with us being torn to pieces. A royal wedding is much safer, wouldn't you say?
Tyrion Lannister: I would.
Lady Olenna Tyrell: And traditionally paid for by the royal family.
Lady Olenna Tyrell: I was told you were drunk, impertinent, and thoroughly debauched. You can imagine my disappointment at finding nothing but a browbeaten bookkeeper.
[Pod returns with a plate of figs]
Lady Olenna Tyrell: Where did you go for them, Volantis?
[she takes a fig and bites into it]
Tyrion Lannister: My lady...
Lady Olenna Tyrell: Oh, very well. I won't have it said that House Tyrell refuses to play its part. We'll pay for half the expenses, and the celebrations will go on as planned. Is that sufficient?
[she stands; Tyrion stands as well, before Olenna can change her mind]
Tyrion Lannister: Quite sufficient, thank you.
Lady Olenna Tyrell: Very good, then. That's settled. Good day.

"Game of Thrones: What Is Dead May Never Die (#2.3)" (2012)
Lord Varys: You will be pleased to know our mutual friend is doing quite well in Lady Sansa's service.
Tyrion Lannister: Good. One of my better ideas.
Lord Varys: And it seems the Grand Maester has found his way into a black cell?
[Tyrion shrugs]
Lord Varys: Well played, my lord Hand. But should I be worried? Janos Slynt, Pycelle... the small council grows smaller every day.
Tyrion Lannister: The council has a reputation for serving past Hands poorly. I don't mean to follow Ned Stark to the grave.
Lord Varys: Power is a curious thing, my lord. Are you fond of riddles?
Tyrion Lannister: Why? Am I about to hear one?
Lord Varys: Three great men sit in a room: a king, a priest, and a rich man. Between them stands a common sellsword. Each great man bids the sellsword kill the other two. Who lives, who dies?
Tyrion Lannister: Depends on the sellsword.
Lord Varys: Does it? He has neither crown, nor gold, nor favor with the gods.
Tyrion Lannister: He has a sword, the power of life and death.
Lord Varys: But if it's swordsmen who rule, why do we pretend kings hold all the power? When Ned Stark lost his head, who was truly responsible? Joffrey? The executioner? Or something else?
Tyrion Lannister: I've decided I don't like riddles.
Lord Varys: [pause] Power resides where men believe it resides. It's a trick. A shadow on the wall. And a very small man can cast a very large shadow.

Tyrion Lannister: Oh, and remember...
Petyr 'Littlefinger' Baelish: The queen mustn't know.

Tyrion Lannister: You disappoint me, Grand Maester.
Grand Maester Pycelle: I am your loyal servant.
Tyrion Lannister: So loyal that you told the queen about my plans to send Myrcella to Dorne.
Grand Maester Pycelle: No! Never! It's a falsehood! I swear it! It wasn't me! Ah, Varys. It was Varys, the spideeeerr!
Tyrion Lannister: See, I told Varys that I was giving the princess to the Greyjoys. I told Littlefinger I planned to wed her to Robyn Arryn. I told no one that I was offering her to the Dornish. No one but you.
Grand Maester Pycelle: The eunuch has spies everywhere.
Tyrion Lannister: Cut off his manhood and feed it to the goats.
Timett: There are no goats, halfman.
Tyrion Lannister: Well make do!
Tyrion Lannister: [to Pycelle] How long have you been spying for my sister?
Grand Maester Pycelle: All I did, I did for House Lannister! Always! Your Lord father, ask him. I've always been his servant, since the days of the Mad King.
Tyrion Lannister: [casually to Bronn] I don't like his beard.
Grand Maester Pycelle: What? No, no!
[Bronn cuts off Pycelle's beard with a blade]

"Game of Thrones: The Wolf and the Lion (#1.5)" (2011)
[upon seeing the Eyrie for the first time]
Tyrion Lannister: The Eyrie. They say it's impregnable.
Bronn: Give me ten good men and some climbing spikes. I'll impregnate the bitch.
Tyrion Lannister: I like you.

[on the road after Catelyn kidnaps Tyrion]
Catelyn Stark: Remove his hood.
Tyrion Lannister: This isn't the kingsroad. You said we were riding for Winterfell.
Catelyn Stark: I did. Often, and loudly.
Tyrion Lannister: Very wise. They'll be out in droves, looking for me in the wrong place. Word's probably gotten to my father by now. He'll be offering a handsome reward. Everyone knows a Lannister always pays his debts. Would you be so good as to untie me?
Catelyn Stark: And why would I do that?
Tyrion Lannister: Why not? Am I going to run? The hill tribes would kill me for my goods, unless a shadowcat ate me first.
Catelyn Stark: Shadowcats and hill tribes are the least of your concerns.
Tyrion Lannister: Ah. The eastern road. We're going to the Vale. You're taking me to your sister's to answer for my imagined crimes. Tell me, Lady Stark, when was the last time you saw your sister?
Catelyn Stark: Five years ago.
Tyrion Lannister: She's changed. She was always a bit touched, but now, you might as well kill me here.
Catelyn Stark: I am not a murderer, Lannister.
Tyrion Lannister: Neither am I. I had nothing to do with the attempt on your son's life.
Catelyn Stark: The dagger found...
Tyrion Lannister: What sort of imbecile arms an assassin with his own blade?
[Ser Rodrik approaches Catelyn]
Ser Rodrik Cassel: [to Catelyn] Should I gag him?
Tyrion Lannister: Why? Am I starting to make sense?

"Game of Thrones: The Mountain and the Viper (#4.8)" (2014)
Tyrion Lannister: What's the punishment for regicide? Drawing and quartering? Hanging? Breaking at the wheel?
Jaime Lannister: Beheading.
Tyrion Lannister: Seems rather ordinary. And he was my nephew as well, so what is that? Fratricide is brothers. Filicide is sons. Nepoticide. That's the one. Matricide, patricide, infanticide, suicide. There's no kind of killing that doesn't have its own word.
Jaime Lannister: [referring to Alton Lannister] Cousins.
Tyrion Lannister: Cousins, you're right. There is no word for cousin killing. Well done.

Tyrion Lannister: Do you remember cousin Orson? Orson Lannister?
Jaime Lannister: Of course. Wet nurse dropped him on his head. Left him simple.
Tyrion Lannister: Simple? Used to sit all day in the garden. Crushing beetles with a rock.
[Jaime and Tyrion jokingly mimic how Orson used to crush beetles and the "kun kun kun" he made while doing so]
Tyrion Lannister: Nothing made him happier.
Jaime Lannister: Nothing made YOU happier. You'd think being tormented from birth would have given you some affinity for the afflicted.
Tyrion Lannister: On the contrary. Laughing at another person's misery was the only thing that made me feel like everyone else.
Jaime Lannister: The joke wore thin, though.
Tyrion Lannister: For you. You drifted away.
Jaime Lannister: I had other interests.
Tyrion Lannister: Yes, other interests. But I stayed with Orson.
Jaime Lannister: Why?
Tyrion Lannister: I was curious. Why was he smashing all those beetles? What did he get out of it? First thing I did was ask him "Orson, why are you smashing all those beetles?". He gave me an answer "Smath the beetles. Smath 'em. kun kun kun".
[Jaime chuckles]
Tyrion Lannister: I wasn't deterred. I was the smartest person I knew. Certainly I had the wherewithal to unravel the mysteries that lay at the heart of a moron. So I went to Maester Volarik's library.
Jaime Lannister: [shakes his head disgustedly] Volarik. Tried to touch me once.
Tyrion Lannister: Turns out, far too much has been written about great men and not nearly enough about morons. Doesn't seem right. In any case, I found nothing that illuminated the nature of Orson's affliction or the reason behind his relentless beetle slaughter. So I went back to the source. I may not have been able to speak with Orson, but I could observe him, watch him, the way men watch animals to come to a deeper understanding of their behavior. And as I watched, I became more and more sure of it. There was something happening there. His face was like the page of a book written in a language I didn't understand, but he wasn't mindless, he had his reasons. And I became possessed with knowing what they were. I began spending inordinate amounts of time watching him. I would eat my lunch in the garden, chewing my mutton to the music of "kun kun kun". And when I wasn't watching him, I was thinking about him. Father droned on about the family legacy and I thought about Orson's beetles. I read the histories of Targaryen conquests. Did I hear dragon wings? No, I heard "kun kun kun". And I still couldn't figure out why he was doing it. And I had to know because it was horrible, that all these beetles would be dying for no reason.
Jaime Lannister: Every day around the world, men, women and children are murdered by the score. Who gives a dusty fuck about a bunch of beetles?
Tyrion Lannister: I know, I know. But still, it filled me with dread. Piles and piles of them, years and years of them. How many countless living crawling things smashed and dried out and returned to the dirt? In my dreams I found myself standing on a beach made of beetle husks stretching as far as the eye could see. I woke up crying, weeping for their shattered little bodies. I tried to stop Orson once.
Jaime Lannister: He was twice your size.
Tyrion Lannister: He just pushed me aside with a "kun" and kept on smashing. Every day until that mule kicked him in the chest and killed him.
[Tyrion notices a beetle on the floor. He picks it up, puts it back down and leaves it unharmed]
Tyrion Lannister: So what do you think? Why did he do it? What was it all about?
Jaime Lannister: I don't know.
[they hear bells tolling. Jaime wishes Tyrion good luck and leaves]

"Game of Thrones: Kill the Boy (#5.5)" (2015)
Tyrion Lannister: The Smoking Sea. How many centuries before we learn how to build cities like this again? Thousands of years the Valyrians were the best in the world at almost everything. And then...
Jorah Mormont: And then they weren't.
Tyrion Lannister: And then they weren't. "They held each other close and turned their backs upon the end. The hills that split asunder and the black that ate the skies; The flames that shot so high and hot that even dragons burned; Would never be the final sights that fell upon their eyes. A fly upon a wall, the waves the sea wind whipped and churned -"
Jorah Mormont: "The city of a thousand years, and all that men had learned; The Doom consumed it all alike, and neither of them turned."
Tyrion Lannister: I would clap.

Tyrion Lannister: Long, sullen silences and an occasional punch in the face. The Mormont Way.

"Game of Thrones: Dark Wings, Dark Words (#3.2)" (2013)
Shae: I'm worried about Sansa. When she spoke with Lord Baelish, his... friend warned me about him.
Tyrion Lannister: Baelish doesn't have friends.
Shae: I don't know her name.
Tyrion Lannister: Oh, Ros? The redhead?
Shae: How do you know her?
Tyrion Lannister: I try to know as many people as I can. You never know which one you'll need.
Shae: She's a whore.
Tyrion Lannister: Yes, well, we shouldn't be judgmental about these things.
Shae: You fucked her.
Tyrion Lannister: Oh, please.
[Shae gives him a look]
Tyrion Lannister: All right, yes, I fucked her once.
[Shae continues to stare at him]
Tyrion Lannister: Twice.
[Shae pushes him away]
Tyrion Lannister: But since I met you, my lady, I've been with no one else.
Shae: And? Was she good? Did you like her?
Tyrion Lannister: Not as much as I like you, obviously, or she'd be the one torturing me right now. What did she say about Littlefinger?
Shae: That Sansa shouldn't trust him.
Tyrion Lannister: Is there an idiot in any village who trusts Littlefinger?

Shae: [about Sansa] We have to protect her.
Tyrion Lannister: We can't. Now that the Lannisters have discarded her, Sansa will have many suitors. A great beauty with a very old name.
Shae: [offended] A great beaut... oh, a great beauty?
Tyrion Lannister: Yes, she is, objectively, very. Her face is quite pleasing to other men, and to women, people in general. But not to me, of course. I only have eyes for you.
Shae: You pervert! You want her? This child?
Tyrion Lannister: I don't even want to talk about her.
Shae: But you ARE!
Tyrion Lannister: Only because you're making me!
Shae: [scoffing] I didn't force you to open your mouth and make words come out.
Tyrion Lannister: This is cruel and unfair. Cruelly unfair.
Shae: Aww, the cruelty. "Shae's so cruel to me."
Tyrion Lannister: Mmm, yes.
[Shae kisses Tyrion, then starts undressing him]
Shae: Now do you think I'm cruel?
Tyrion Lannister: Only if you stop.

"Game of Thrones: The Climb (#3.6)" (2013)
[Tyrion and Cersei are watching Sansa talking to Ser Loras]
Tyrion Lannister: I don't suppose there is anything we can do about this?
Cersei Lannister: We can have them both killed.
Tyrion Lannister: It's hard to say which of the four of us is getting the worst of the arrangement. Probably Sansa. Though Loras will certainly come to know a deep and singular misery.
Cersei Lannister: Father doesn't discriminate.

Tyrion Lannister: Where to begin... this is awkward.

"Game of Thrones: The Laws of Gods and Men (#4.6)" (2014)
Tyrion Lannister: Father, I wish to confess. I wish to confess!
Tywin Lannister: You wish to confess?
Tyrion Lannister: [to the crowd] I saved you. I saved this city. All your worthless lives. I should have let Stannis kill you all.
[Crowd becomes outraged]
Tywin Lannister: Tyrion, do you wish to confess?
Tyrion Lannister: Yes, father. I'm guilty. Guilty. Is that what you want to hear?
Tywin Lannister: You admit you poisoned the king?
Tyrion Lannister: No. Of that, I'm innocent. I'm guilty of a far more monstrous crime. I'm guilty of being a dwarf.
Tywin Lannister: You are not on trial for being a dwarf.
Tyrion Lannister: Oh, yes I am. I've been on trial for that my entire life.
Tywin Lannister: Have you nothing to say in your defense?
Tyrion Lannister: Nothing but this, I did not do it.
[to Cersei]
Tyrion Lannister: I did not kill Joffrey, but I wish that I had! Watching your vicious bastard die gave me more relief than a thousand lying whores!
[to the crowd]
Tyrion Lannister: I wish I was the monster you think I am! I wish I had enough poison for the whole pack of you! I would gladly give my life to watch you all swallow it!
[Crowd outbursts again]
Tywin Lannister: Ser Meryn! Ser Meryn escort the prisoner back to his cell!
Tyrion Lannister: I will not give my life for Joffery's murder and I know I'll get no justice here, so I will let the gods decide my fate. I demand a trial by combat!
[the crowd is shocked]

Tyrion Lannister: Not going well, is it?
Jaime Lannister: You're going to be found guilty.
Tyrion Lannister: Oh! You think so?
Jaime Lannister: When you are, you need to enter a formal plea for mercy and asked to be sent to the Wall. Father's agreed to it. He'll spare your life and allow you to join the Night's Watch.
Tyrion Lannister: Ned Stark was promised the same thing, and we both know how that turned out.
Jaime Lannister: My father isn't Joffrey. He'll keep his word.
Tyrion Lannister: How do you know?
Jaime Lannister: Do you trust me?
[Tyrion nods mildly]
Jaime Lannister: Keep your mouth shut, no more outbursts. This will all be over soon.

"Game of Thrones: The North Remembers (#2.1)" (2012)
Tyrion Lannister: You love your children. It's your one redeeming quality - that and your cheekbones.

Shae: Cities make me want to fuck.
Tyrion Lannister: And so did the country.

"Game of Thrones: Winter Is Coming (#1.1)" (2011)
Tyrion Lannister: Let me tell you something, Bastard. Never forget what you are, the rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor and it can never be used to hurt you.
Jon Snow: What the hell do you know about being a bastard?
Tyrion Lannister: All dwarfs are bastards in their father's eyes.

Tyrion Lannister: Should I explain the meaning of a closed door in a whorehouse, brother?
Jaime Lannister: You've much to teach me, no doubt, but our sister craves your attention.
Tyrion Lannister: She has odd cravings, our sister.
Jaime Lannister: A family trait.

"Game of Thrones: The Old Gods and the New (#2.6)" (2012)
Tyrion Lannister: [to Joffrey] We've had vicious kings and we've had idiot kings, but I don't know if we've ever been cursed with a vicious idiot boy king!

Joffrey Baratheon: [during a vicious riot] Traitors! I'll have their heads!
Tyrion Lannister: Oh you blind, bloody fool!
Joffrey Baratheon: You can't insult me!
Tyrion Lannister: We've had vicious kings, and we've had idiot kings, but I don't think we've ever been cursed with a vicious idiot for a king!
Joffrey Baratheon: You can't!
Tyrion Lannister: I can, I am!
Joffrey Baratheon: They attacked me!
Tyrion Lannister: The threw a cow pie at you so you decide to kill them all? They're starving, you fool! All because of a war you started!
Joffrey Baratheon: YOU'RE TALKING TO A KING!
[Tyrion slaps Joffrey in the face]
Tyrion Lannister: And now I've struck a king! Did my hand fall from my wrist? Where is the Stark girl?
Joffrey Baratheon: Let them have her!
Tyrion Lannister: If she dies, you'll never get your Uncle Jaime back! You owe him quite a bit, you know!

"Game of Thrones: A Man Without Honor (#2.7)" (2012)
Tyrion Lannister: It's hard to put a leash on a dog once you've put a crown on its head.

Tyrion Lannister: It's just you, me, and Joffrey. The Lord of the Seven Kingdoms and Protector of the Realm.
Cersei Lannister: I'm sure you'll make a point eventually.
Tyrion Lannister: He needs to start acting like a king. This war you started is coming to our doorstep. And if the entire city wants Joffrey dead...
Cersei Lannister: I'm not the one giving the boy whores to abuse.
Tyrion Lannister: I thought the girls might help him.
Cersei Lannister: Did you?
Tyrion Lannister: I was wrong!

"Game of Thrones: The Pointy End (#1.8)" (2011)
Shagga: How would you like to die, Tyrion, son of Tywin?
Tyrion Lannister: In my own bed, at the age of 80, with a belly full of wine and a girl's mouth around my cock.

[Tyrion is whistling as he and Bronn walk through the Vale]
Bronn: Will you shut up? There's hill tribes all around here.
Tyrion Lannister: If I'm going to die, it may as well be with a song in my heart.
Bronn: I should just take your food and leave you here. Eh? What would you do then?
Tyrion Lannister: Starve, most likely.
Bronn: You don't think I'd do it, do you?
Tyrion Lannister: What do you want, Bronn? Gold? Women? Gold and women? Stick with me and you'll have them all, for as long as I'm around and not a moment longer. But you knew that. That is why you so valiantly took up arms to defend my honor.
Bronn: Fair enough. But don't go looking for me to bend the knee and "m'lord" you every time you take a shit. I'm not your toady and I'm not your friend.
Tyrion Lannister: Though I would treasure your friendship, I'm mainly interested in your facility with murder. And if the day ever comes when you're tempted to sell me out, remember this: whatever their price, I'll beat it. I like living.
[Tyrion continues whistling]

"Game of Thrones: The Winds of Winter (#6.10)" (2016)
Tyrion Lannister: You have your armies, you have your ships, you have your dragons. Everything you've ever wanted since you were old enough to want anything, it's all yours for the taking. Are you afraid?
[Daenerys nods]
Tyrion Lannister: Good. You're in the great game now. And the great game's terrifying. The only people who aren't afraid of failure are madmen like your father.
Daenerys Targaryen: Do you know what frightens me? I said farewell to a man who loves me. A man I thought I cared for. And I felt nothing. Just impatient to get on with it.
Tyrion Lannister: He wasn't the first to love you and he won't be the last.

Daenerys Targaryen: Well, you have completely failed to console me.
Tyrion Lannister: For what it's worth, I've been a cynic for as long as I can remember. Everyone's always asking me to believe in things. Family, gods, kings, myself. It was often tempting until I saw where belief got people. so I said, "no, thank you," to belief. And yet, here I am. I believe in you. It's embarrassing, really. I'd swear you my sword, but I don't actually own a sword.
Daenerys Targaryen: It's your counsel I need.
Tyrion Lannister: It's yours. Now and always.

"Game of Thrones: The Dance of Dragons (#5.9)" (2015)
Tyrion Lannister: It's easy to confuse what is with what ought to be, especially when what is has worked out in your favor.
Hizdahr zo Loraq: I'm not talking about myself. I'm talking about the necessary conditions for greatness.
Daenerys Targaryen: [Gestures to the fighting Arena, where a man has just been beheaded] *That* is greatness?
Hizdahr zo Loraq: That is a vital part of the great city of Meereen, which existed long before you or I and will remain standing long after we have returned to the dirt.
Tyrion Lannister: My father would have liked you.

Tyrion Lannister: In my experience, eloquent men are right. Every bit as often as imbeciles.

"Game of Thrones: Oathbreaker (#6.3)" (2016)
Tyrion Lannister: A wise man once said a true history of the world is a history of great conversations in elegant rooms.
Missandei: Who said this?
Tyrion Lannister: Me, just now.

Missandei: We do not drink.
Tyrion Lannister: Until you do.

"Game of Thrones: Battle of the Bastards (#6.9)" (2016)
Tyrion Lannister: Thank you for the armada. Our Queen does love ships.

Tyrion Lannister: There are more than 100 ships in the Iron Fleet.
Theon Greyjoy: There are and Euron is building more. He's going to offer them to you.
Daenerys Targaryen: So why shouldn't I wait for him?
Theon Greyjoy: The Iron Fleet isn't all he's bringing. He also wants to give you...
[trailing off]
Yara Greyjoy: ...his big cock, I think he said. Euron's offer is also an offer of marriage, you see. You won't get one without the other.
Daenerys Targaryen: And I imagine your offer is free of any marriage demands?
Yara Greyjoy: I never demand, but I'm up for anything really.

"Game of Thrones: Two Swords (#4.1)" (2014)
[after stabbing a Lannister soldier in Littlefinger's brothel, Oberyn Martell leaves with Tyrion]
Oberyn Martell: Seems I visited the Lannister brothel by mistake.
Tyrion Lannister: Oh, they take all kinds.
Oberyn Martell: [sarcastically] Even Dornishmen.
Tyrion Lannister: The king is very grateful that you traveled all this way for his wedding.
Oberyn Martell: Now let us speak truth here, Joffrey is insulted. I am only the second son, after all.
Tyrion Lannister: Well, speaking as a fellow second son, I've grown rather used to being the family insult.
[Oberyn laughs]
Tyrion Lannister: Why did you come to King's Landing, Prince Oberyn?
Oberyn Martell: I was invited to the royal wedding.
Tyrion Lannister: I thought we were speaking truth.
Oberyn Martell: [pause] The last time I was in the capital was many years ago. Another wedding. My sister Elia and Rhaegar Targaryen, the Last Dragon. My sister loved him. She bore his children. Swaddled them, rocked them, fed them at her own breast. Elia wouldn't let the wet nurse touch them. And beautiful, noble Rhaegar Targaryen... left her for another woman. That started a war, and the war ended right here, when your father's army took the city.
Tyrion Lannister: It wasn't actually...
Oberyn Martell: They butchered those children. My nephew and niece. Carved them up and wrapped them in Lannister cloaks. And my sister. You know what they did to her?
[Tyrion has been staring at the ground uncomfortably for some time; Oberyn lifts his chin with a finger]
Oberyn Martell: I'm asking you a question.
Tyrion Lannister: I've heard rumors.
Oberyn Martell: [chuckles] So have I. The one I keep hearing is that Gregor Clegane, the Mountain, raped Elia and split her in half with his greatsword.
Tyrion Lannister: I wasn't there. I don't know what...
Oberyn Martell: If the Mountain killed my sister, your father gave the order.
Oberyn Martell: Tell your father I'm here. And tell him the Lannisters aren't the only ones who pay their debts.
[Oberyn walks away]

Tyrion Lannister: Let's toast to Lanisters children: the dwarf, the cripple and the mother of madness!

"Game of Thrones: Cripples, Bastards, and Broken Things (#1.4)" (2011)
Theon Greyjoy: Can't resist some northern ass? If you like redheads, ask for Ros.
Tyrion Lannister: Come to see me off, Greyjoy? Kind of you. Your master doesn't seem to like Lannisters.
Theon Greyjoy: He's not my master.
Tyrion Lannister: No, of course not. What happened here? Where is Lady Stark? Why didn't she receive me?
Theon Greyjoy: She wasn't feeling well.
Tyrion Lannister: She's not in Winterfell, is she? Where did she go?
Theon Greyjoy: Milady's whereabouts...
Tyrion Lannister: "Milady?" Your loyalty to your captors is touching. Tell me, how do you think Balon Greyjoy would feel if he could see his only surviving son has turned lackey? I still remember my father's fleet burn in Lannisport. I believe your uncles were responsible.
Theon Greyjoy: Must've been a pretty sight.
Tyrion Lannister: Nothing prettier than watching sailors burn alive. Yes, a great victory for your people. Shame how it all turned out.
Theon Greyjoy: We were outnumbered ten to one!
Tyrion Lannister: A stupid rebellion, then. I suppose your father realized that when your brothers died in battle. Now here you are, your enemy's squire.
Theon Greyjoy: Careful, Imp.
Tyrion Lannister: I've offended you. Forgive me. It's been a rough morning. Anyway, don't despair. I'm a constant disappointment to my own father and I've learned to live with it.
[Tyrion tosses a coin at Theon's feet]
Tyrion Lannister: Your next tumble with Ros is on me. I'll try not to wear her out.

[Tyrion gives Bran a drawing of saddle which will enable him to ride a horse]
Bran Stark: Will I really be able to ride?
Tyrion Lannister: [nods] You will. On horseback you will be as tall as any of them.
Robb Stark: [suspiciously] Is this some kind of trick? Why do you want to help him?
Tyrion Lannister: I have a tender spot in my heart for cripples and bastards and broken things.

"Game of Thrones: Fire and Blood (#1.10)" (2011)
Tywin Lannister: I always thought you were a stunted fool. Perhaps I was wrong.
Tyrion Lannister: Half wrong.

"Game of Thrones: Unbowed, Unbent, Unbroken (#5.6)" (2015)
Tyrion Lannister: Wait. WAIT! Wait, wait! Wait, you can't just hand a dried cock to a merchant and expect him to pay for it! He has to know it came from a dwarf! And how could he know unless he sees the dwarf?
Slaver: It will be a dwarf-sized cock.
Tyrion Lannister: Guess again!

"Game of Thrones: The Bear and the Maiden Fair (#3.7)" (2013)
Tyrion Lannister: [talks about Sansa] She's a child.
Bronn: She's a foot taller than you.
Tyrion Lannister: A tall child.
Bronn: What's the youngest you've ever had?
Tyrion Lannister: Not that young.
Bronn: How much older?
Tyrion Lannister: Older.
Bronn: You're a lord, she's a lady, and a beauty at that. I don't see the problem.
Tyrion Lannister: Shae's not going to like it.
Bronn: Shae is a whore! Are you going to marry her? Eh? How did marrying a whore work out for you the first time?
Tyrion Lannister: I should never have told you about that.
Bronn: You want Shae, keep her. Wed one and bed the other. All you have to do is get a son in the Stark girl. He'll be lord of Winterfell one day; you can rule the North in his name. You'll have two women and a whole kingdom of your own.
Tyrion Lannister: Two women to despise me and a whole kingdom to join them.
Bronn: You waste time trying to get people to love you. You'll end up the most popular dead man in town.
[Bronn chuckles]
Bronn: You want to fuck that Stark girl. You just don't want to admit it.
Tyrion Lannister: I don't pay you to put evil notions in my head. The ones already there don't need company.
Bronn: You pay me to kill people who bother you. Evil notions come free.

"Game of Thrones: Valar Morghulis (#2.10)" (2012)
Tyrion Lannister: [to Shae] I'm a monster, as well as a dwarf. You should charge me double.

"Game of Thrones: Mother's Mercy (#5.10)" (2015)
Lord Varys: Hello, old friend. I thought we were so happy together until you abandoned me.
Tyrion Lannister: I suppose there's no point asking how you found me.
Lord Varys: The birds sing in the west, the birds sing in the east, if one knows how to listen. They tell me you've already found favor with the Mother of Dragons.
Tyrion Lannister: Well, she didn't execute me, so that's a promising start. Now the heroes are off to find her, and I'm stuck here trying to placate a city on the brink of civil war. Any advice for an old comrade?
Lord Varys: Information is the key. You need to learn your enemy's strengths and strategies. You need to learn which of your friends are not your friends.
Tyrion Lannister: If only I knew someone with a vast network of spies.
Lord Varys: If only. A grand old city, choking on violence, corruption, and deceit. Who could possibly have any experience managing such a massive ungainly beast?
Tyrion Lannister: I did miss you.
Lord Varys: Oh, I know.

"Game of Thrones: The Gift (#5.7)" (2015)
[at the arena, Jorah Mormont appears before Daenerys. She is not pleased to see him]
Daenerys Targaryen: [to the guards] Get him out of my sight.
Jorah Mormont: Khaleesi, please, I just need a moment of your time. I brought you a gift.
[as the guards start dragging Jorah away, Tyrion steps into the arena]
Tyrion Lannister: It's true. He has.
Daenerys Targaryen: Who are you?
Tyrion Lannister: I'm the gift. It's a pleasure to meet you, Your Grace. My name is Tyrion Lannister.
[Daenerys gapes at Tyrion]