Tyrion Lannister
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Quotes for
Tyrion Lannister (Character)
from "Game of Thrones" (2011)

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"Game of Thrones: Mhysa (#3.10)" (2013)
Tyrion Lannister: It's not easy being drunk all the time. If it were easy, everyone would do it.

Tyrion Lannister: You just sent the most powerful man in Westeros to bed without his supper.
Tywin Lannister: You're a fool if you believe he's the most powerful man in Westeros.
Tyrion Lannister: A treasonous statement. Joffrey is king.
Tywin Lannister: You really think a crown gives you power?
Tyrion Lannister: No. I think armies give you power.

Tyrion Lannister: The northerners will never forget.
Tywin Lannister: Good. Let them remember what happens when they march on the south.

Tyrion Lannister: ...it's easy for you to preach utter devotion to family when you're making all the decisions.
Tywin Lannister: Easy for me, is it?
Tyrion Lannister: When have you ever done something that wasn't in your interest but solely for the benefit of the family?
Tywin Lannister: The day that you were born. I wanted to carry you into the sea and let the waves wash you away. Instead, I let you live. And I brought you as my son. Because you're a Lannister.

Tyrion Lannister: Every time we deal with an enemy, we create two more.

Joffrey Baratheon: Everyone is mine to torment! You'd do well to remember that, you little monster.
Tyrion Lannister: Oh, "monster". Perhaps you should speak to me more softly then. Monsters are dangerous and, just now, kings are dying like flies.

[Tywin and Tyrion discuss the Red Wedding]
Tyrion Lannister: I'm all for cheating. This is war. But to slaughter them at a wedding...
Tywin Lannister: [dryly] Explain to me why it is more noble to kill 10,000 men in battle than a dozen at dinner.

Tyrion Lannister: My lady, people have been laughing at me far longer than they've been laughing at you. I'm the Half-Man, the Demon-Monkey, the Imp.
Sansa Stark: You're a Lannister. I am the disgraced daughter of the traitor, Ned Stark.
Tyrion Lannister: The disgraced daughter and the demon monkey. We're perfect for each other.

Tyrion Lannister: You have children. How happy would you say you are?
Cersei Lannister: Not very. But if it weren't for my children, I would have thrown myself from the highest tower in the Red Keep. They're the reason I'm alive.
Tyrion Lannister: Even Joffrey?
Cersei Lannister: Even Joffrey.

Tyrion Lannister: Keep up!
Podrick Payne: I don't think I can, my lord.
Tyrion Lannister: It's not easy being drunk all the time. Everyone would do it if it were easy.

[heavy-heartedly, Tyrion intends to tell Sansa about the Red Wedding]
Tyrion Lannister: Sansa...
[Sansa turns, her face is stained with tears, and Tyrion sees she already knows about what happened to her mother and brother. He walks out]

Sansa Stark: My sister used to do that to me when she was angry with me. And she was always angry with me.
Tyrion Lannister: Why sheep shift?
Sansa Stark: That's the vulgar word for dung!
[Tyrion realizes what Sansa means]
Tyrion Lannister: My lady...
Sansa Stark: Well, you asked me!

Sansa Stark: So, how should we punish them?
Tyrion Lannister: Who? Whom?
Sansa Stark: Ser Eldrick Sarsfield and Lord Desmond Crakehall.
Tyrion Lannister: Ah. I could speak to Lord Varys and learn their perversions. Anyone named Desmond Crakehall must be a pervert.
Sansa Stark: I hear that you're a pervert.
Tyrion Lannister: I am the Imp; I have certain standards to maintain.

Tyrion Lannister: How long does it go on?
Cersei Lannister: Until we've dealt with all our enemies.
Tyrion Lannister: Every time we deal with an enemy, we create two more.
Cersei Lannister: Then I suppose it will go on for quite a long time.

Tyrion Lannister: It's not easy being drunk all the time. Everyone would do it, if it were easy.


"Game of Thrones: Blackwater (#2.9)" (2012)
Tyrion Lannister: Don't fight for a king. Don't fight for his kingdoms. Don't fight for honor, don't fight for glory, don't fight for riches, because you won't get any. This is your city Stannis means to sack. That's your gate he's ramming. If he gets in it will be your house that burns. Your gold he steals, your women he rapes. Those are brave men knocking at our door. Let's go kill them!

[Tyrion is enraged to see the Hound drinking during the battle]
Tyrion Lannister: [sarcastically] Can I get you some ice mint? And a nice bowl of raspberries too?

[Tyrion and Bronn shake hands before the battle]
Bronn: Don't get killed.
Tyrion Lannister: Nor you, my friend.
Bronn: Oh... are we friends now?
Tyrion Lannister: Of course we are. Just because I pay you for your services doesn't diminish our friendship.
Bronn: Enhances it, really.
Tyrion Lannister: Oh, "enhances". Fancy word for a sellsword.
Bronn: Been spending time with fancy folks.

[the Hound's fear of fire is renewed when watching people burn to death, and he refuses to keep fighting]
Sandor Clegane: I lost half of my men. The Blackwater is on fire.
Joffrey Baratheon: Dog, I command you to go back up there and fight!
[the Hound shakes his head]
Tyrion Lannister: You're in the Kingsguard, Clegane. We must beat them back or they're going to take the city... your king's city.
Sandor Clegane: Fuck the Kingsguard. Fuck the city. Fuck the king.
[the Hound walks away]

[Varys listens to the bells toll the alarm before the battle]
Lord Varys: I've always hated the bells. They ring for horror. A dead king, a city under siege...
Tyrion Lannister: A wedding.
Lord Varys: Exactly.

Joffrey Baratheon: Hound, tell the Hand that his King has asked him a question.
Sandor Clegane: The King has asked you a question.
Tyrion Lannister: Sir Lancel, tell the Hound to tell the King that the Hand is extremely busy.
Lancel Lannister: The Hand of the King would like me to tell you to tell the King that...
Joffrey Baratheon: If I tell the Hound to cut you in half, he'll do it without a second thought.
Tyrion Lannister: That would make me the quarter-man. Just doesn't have the same ring to it.

Tyrion Lannister: [to Lord Varys] I'm entirely sure you're entirely sure what I'm suggesting.

Lord Varys: I've always hated the bells. They ring for horror. A dead king, a city under siege...
Tyrion Lannister: A wedding.
Lord Varys: Exactly.

Tyrion Lannister: There are brave men knocking at our door. Let's go kill them!

Tyrion Lannister: There are brave men knocking at our door. Let's go KILL them!


"Game of Thrones: Second Sons (#3.8)" (2013)
Tyrion Lannister: I am the God of tits and wine.

Tyrion Lannister: Do you drink wine?
Sansa Stark: Only when I have to.

Tyrion Lannister: [to Sansa] I promise you one thing, my lady. I won't ever hurt you.

Joffrey Baratheon: Time for the bedding ceremony!
[the guests respond excitely. Joffrey grabs Sansa by her hand and drags her to the middle of the room]
Tyrion Lannister: There will be no bedding ceremony.
Joffrey Baratheon: Where's your respect for tradition, uncle? Come, everyone! Pick her up and carry her to her wedding bed. Get rid of her gown. She won't be needing it any longer. Ladies, attend to my uncle. He's not heavy.
Tyrion Lannister: There will be no bedding ceremony.
Joffrey Baratheon: There will be if I command it!
[Tyrion thrusts his dagger in the table. The thud makes Joffrey turn back to face his uncle]
Tyrion Lannister: [threateningly] Then you'll be fucking your own bride with a wooden cock!
[a shocked silence falls. Lord Tywin, sensing danger, gets to his feet. Joffrey stares at Tyrion incredulously]
Joffrey Baratheon: [shocked and seething] What did you say? WHAT... DID YOU... SAY?
[Tyrion and Joffrey stare at each other hatefully]
Tywin Lannister: [dryly] I believe we can dispense with the bedding, your Grace. I'm sure Tyrion did not mean to threaten the king.

Tywin Lannister: You seem rather drunk.
Tyrion Lannister: Rather less than I planned to be. Isn't it a man's duty to be drunk at his own wedding?
Tywin Lannister: This isn't about your wedding. Renly Baratheon had a wedding. Your wife needs a child, a Lannister child, as soon as possible.
Tyrion Lannister: And?
Tywin Lannister: If you're going to give her one, you need to perform.
Tyrion Lannister: What did you once call me? "A drunken little lust-fulled beast."
Tywin Lannister: More than once.
Tyrion Lannister: [slurring his words] There you have it. Nothing to worry about. Drinking and lust. No man can match me in these things. I am the god of tits and wine... I shall build a shrine to myself at the next brothel I visit.
[he tries to take a drink, but Tywin grabs the cup out of his hand]
Tywin Lannister: You can drink. You can joke. You can engage in juvenile attempts to make your father uncomfortable. But you will do your duty.

Tyrion Lannister: [drunkenly to Sansa] Come, wife. I vomited on a girl once, during the act, not proud of it. But I think honesty is important between a man and his wife, don't you agree? Come, I'll tell you all about it, put you in the mood.


"Game of Thrones: Mockingbird (#4.7)" (2014)
Tyrion Lannister: [to Oberyn Martell] If you want justice, you've come to the wrong place.

Tyrion Lannister: [bitterly] You're the golden son. You could kill a king, lose a hand, fuck your own sister, you'll always be the golden son.
Jaime Lannister: [quietly] Careful. I'm the last friend you've got.

[Bronn refuses Tyrion's request to fight Gregor "the Mountain" Clegane]
Bronn: I'm sorry it has to be this way.
Tyrion Lannister: Why are you sorry? Because you're an evil bastard with no conscience and no heart? That's what I liked about you in the first place.
[Bronn nods. They shake hands]
Bronn: We had some good days together.
Tyrion Lannister: Yes, we did.
[Bronn pats on Tyrion's hand, then walks to the door, looking a bit guilty. He bangs on the door, and turns to Tyrion]
Bronn: What will you do?
Tyrion Lannister: I suppose I'll have to kill the Mountain myself.
[Bronn nods]
Tyrion Lannister: Won't that make for a great song?
[the door opens. Bronn lingers]
Bronn: I hope to hear them sing it one day.
[Bronn leaves]

Oberyn Martell: When we met your sister, she promised she would show you to us. Every day we would ask. Every day she would say, "Soon." Then she and your brother took us to your nursery and... she unveiled the freak. Your head was a bit large. Your arms and legs were a bit small, but no claw. No red eye. No tail between your legs. Just a tiny pink cock. We didn't try to hide our disappointment. That's not a monster, I told Cersei, that's just a baby. And she said, he killed my mother. And she pinched your little cock so hard, I thought she might pull it off. Until your brother made her stop. It doesn't matter, she told us, everyone says he will die soon, I hope they are right, he should not have lived this long.
Tyrion Lannister: Well... sooner or later, Cersei always gets what she wants.
Oberyn Martell: And what about what I want?

Bronn: My lonesome bachelor days are over. I'm to wed Lollys Stokeworth.
Tyrion Lannister: Lollys Stokeworth? She doesn't strike me as your sort of girl.
Bronn: I wouldn't say I had a single sort of girl.
Tyrion Lannister: She's dim-witted.
Bronn: If I wanted wits, I'd marry you.
Tyrion Lannister: When my sister arranged this love match, did she mention that Lollys has an older sister?
Bronn: Falyse. Aye, I did know about the older sister.
Tyrion Lannister: And you understand the rules of inheritance?
Bronn: Falyse is 40 and barren.
Tyrion Lannister: She still gets Castle Stokeworth when her father dies.
Bronn: She does. Unless she happens to perish before her father. Then Lollys gets the castle. What? Ladies fall from their horses and snap their pretty necks all the time.
Tyrion Lannister: You and my sister deserve each other.

[Tyrion and Bronn talk about Gregor "The Mountain" Clegane]
Tyrion Lannister: Does he frighten you so much?
Bronn: I'd be a bloody fool if he didn't frighten me. He's freakish big and freakish strong. And quicker than you'd expect for a man of that size. Maybe I could take him, dance around until he's so tired of hacking at me, he dropped his sword, get him off his feet somehow. But one misstep...
[Bronn snaps his fingers]
Bronn: ...and I'm dead.


"Game of Thrones: Walk of Punishment (#3.3)" (2013)
Bronn: What are you saying? That the ladies enjoyed him so much, they gave him the time for free?
Tyrion Lannister: Is that what your telling us?
[Pod smiles]
Tyrion Lannister: Sit down Podrick.
Bronn: We're going to need details.
Tyrion Lannister: Copious details.

Tyrion Lannister: Ah, the return of the conquering hero.
[grin]
Tyrion Lannister: Does he have a little jaunt in his step?
Bronn: The lad's practically skipping.
Tyrion Lannister: You were gone a long time. I trust you got your money's worth - or should I say my money's worth.
Podrick Payne: [places satchel of gold on the desk]
Tyrion Lannister: It was a gift, Podrick! This is more than I give you in a year.
Bronn: He's a squire. You don't pay him.
Tyrion Lannister: Oh. Then it's much more than I give you in a year.
Podrick Payne: They wouldn't take it, milord.
Bronn: [confused] Maybe they're trying to curry some favor with the new Master of Coin?
Tyrion Lannister: Have you ever known a whore to turn down gold? They're happy enough to take it when I give it to them.
Bronn: [looks at Podrick] What did you tell them?
Podrick Payne: I didn't tell them anything.
Tyrion Lannister: What did you do to them?
Podrick Payne: Lots of things.
Tyrion Lannister: And they seemed to like these things?
Podrick Payne: Yes, milord.
Bronn: Of course they seemed to like it. They're paid to seem to like it.
Tyrion Lannister: Only they weren't paid.
Bronn: What're you saying? These ladies enjoyed him so much they gave him the time for free?
Tyrion Lannister: Is that what you're telling us?
Podrick Payne: [grin]
Tyrion Lannister: Sit down, Podrick.
[pours some wine]
Tyrion Lannister: We're going to need details. Copious details.

Tyrion Lannister: [reviews the kingdom's ledgers] For years I've heard that Littlefinger is a magician: whenever the Crown needs money, he rubs his hands together and - poof! - mountains of gold.
Bronn: Let me guess: he's not a magician.
Tyrion Lannister: No.
Bronn: He's stealing it?
Tyrion Lannister: Worse: he's borrowing it.
Bronn: What's wrong with that?
Tyrion Lannister: We can't afford to pay it back. That's what's wrong with it. The Crown owes millions to my father.
Bronn: Seeing as it's his grandson's ass on the throne, I imagine he'll forgive that debt.
Tyrion Lannister: Forgive a debt? My father? For a man of the world, you're strangely naive.
Bronn: I've never borrowed money before. I'm not clear on the rules.
Tyrion Lannister: Well, ahem, the basic principle is I lend you money, and after an agreed-upon period of time, you return it with interest.
Bronn: And what if I don't?
Tyrion Lannister: Well, you have to.
Bronn: But what if I don't?
Tyrion Lannister: This is why I don't lend you money. Anyway, it's not my father I'm worried about, it's the Iron Bank of Braavos. We owe them tens of millions. If we fail to repay these loans, the Bank will fund our enemies. One way or another, they always get their gold back.

[Tyrion, Bronn and Podrick walk through Littlefinger's brothel with a wagon filled with the kingdom's ledgers]
Tyrion Lannister: Podrick?
Podrick Payne: Yes, my lord?
Tyrion Lannister: After a long consultation with my colleague, Ser Bronn, I've finally found a suitable reward for the services you've provided over and above what might be considered reasonable. Tell me, Pod...
[they enter a different room of the brothel]
Tyrion Lannister: ...have you ever been with a woman?
Podrick Payne: No, my lord.
Tyrion Lannister: Wonderful. Genna specializes in first-timers.
[a curtain pulls back to reveal a naked courtesan]
Bronn: She's not bad with second-timers, either.
Podrick Payne: Uh, my Lord...
Tyrion Lannister: A fair enough repayment for putting your spear through my would-be killer's face, wouldn't you say? Now, as it happens Marei...
[Genna approaches Pod, caressing him. He walks backwards, embarrassed. Another curtain opens to reveal another naked courtesan]
Tyrion Lannister: ...is quite the spear-handler herself. She's here to thank you for staying by my side as the battle raged all around us.
Marei: He's handsome. You didn't tell me he was handsome.
Tyrion Lannister: Kayla...
[Marei approaches Pod. She and Marei start to strip him. A third curtain opens to reveal a very flexible courtesan]
Tyrion Lannister: ...is famous from here to Volantis... in certain circles. One of four women in the world who can perform a proper Meereenese Knot.
Podrick Payne: [overwhelmed] My Lord, I...
[Kayla spreads her legs, demonstrating just how flexible she is]
Tyrion Lannister: She's here to thank you for being a thoroughly respectful fellow who's never once failed to address me as "my Lord." Be back in time for my supper.
[Tyrion puts a bag of gold on the table and leaves with Bronn and the ledgers]
Bronn: Pace yourself, lad.

Tyrion Lannister: Master of Coin?
Tywin Lannister: It would appear to be a position that best suits your talents.
Tyrion Lannister: I'm quite good at spending money, but a lifetime of outrageous wealth hasn't taught me much about managing it.


"Game of Thrones: Valar Dohaeris (#3.1)" (2013)
Tyrion Lannister: What are they doing here?
Cersei Lannister: Protecting me... I assume. Will you let me in?
Tyrion Lannister: No, I don't think so.
Cersei Lannister: If I wanted to kill to you, do you think I'd let a wooden door stop me?
Tyrion Lannister: they stay outside!
Cersei Lannister: I'm not afraid of you, little brother.

Tyrion Lannister: I want what is mine by right. Jaime is your eldest son, heir to your lands and titles, but he is a Kingsguard, forbidden from marriage or inheritance. The day Jaime put on the white cloak he gave up his claim to Casterly Rock. I am your son and lawful heir.
Tywin Lannister: [nods] You want Casterly Rock?
Tyrion Lannister: It is mine by right.
Tywin Lannister: We'll find you accommodations more suited to your name and as a reward for your accomplishments during the Battle of Blackwater Bay. And when the time is right, you will be given a position fit for your talents, so that you can serve your family and protect our legacy. And if you serve faithfully, you will be rewarded with a suitable wife - and I would let myself be consumed by maggots before mocking the family name and making you heir to Casterly Rock!
Tyrion Lannister: [quietly] Why?
Tywin Lannister: [raises his voice in anger] Why? You ask that? You who killed your mother to come into the world?
[Tywin stands and approaches Tyrion, while talking to him contemptuously]
Tywin Lannister: You are an ill-made, spiteful little creature full of envy, lust, and low cunning. Men's laws give you the right to bear my name and display my colors since I cannot prove that you are not mine. And to teach me humility, the gods have condemned me to watch you waddle about wearing that proud lion that was my father's sigil and his father's before him. But neither gods nor men will ever compel me to let you turn Casterly Rock into your whorehouse. Go, now. Speak no more of your rights to Casterly Rock. Go!
[Tywin returns to his seat. Tyrion is deeply hurt by his father's words, but says nothing. He stands and starts to leave]
Tywin Lannister: One more thing.
[Tyrion stops and turns back to his father]
Tywin Lannister: The next whore I catch in your bed, I'll hang.
[Tyrion leaves]

Cersei Lannister: [referring to Tyrion's new quarters] A bit of a comedown from chamber of the Hand. But then I don't suppose you need much room.
Tyrion Lannister: Grand Maester Pycelle made the same joke. You must be proud to be as funny as a man whose balls brush his knees.

Bronn: You've given me a taste for the finer things. And if you want me to carry on protecting you, you'll need to pay more.
Tyrion Lannister: I thought we were friends.
Bronn: We are, but I'm a sellsword. I sell my sword. I don't loan it out to friends as a favor.
Tyrion Lannister: How much?
Bronn: Double.
Tyrion Lannister: Double?
Bronn: I'm a knight now. Knights are worth double.
Tyrion Lannister: I don't even know how much I'm paying you now.
Bronn: Which means you can afford it.

Cersei Lannister: You're a clever man. But you're not half as clever as you think you are.
Tyrion Lannister: Still makes me more clever than you.


"Game of Thrones: The Kingsroad (#1.2)" (2011)
Tyrion Lannister: A mind needs books like a sword needs a whetstone.

Jon Snow: Why do you read so much?
Tyrion Lannister: Look at me and tell me what you see.
Jon Snow: Is this a trick?
Tyrion Lannister: What you see is a dwarf. If I had been born a peasant, they might have left me out in the woods to die. Alas, I was born a Lannister of Casterly Rock. Things are expected of me. My father was the Hand of the King for twenty years.
Jon Snow: Until your brother killed that king.
Tyrion Lannister: ...Yes. Until my brother killed him. Life is full of these little ironies. My sister married the new king, and my repulsive nephew will be king after him. I must do my part for the honor of my house; wouldn't you agree? But how? Well, my brother has his sword, and I have my mind. And a mind needs books like a sword needs a whetstone. That's why I read so much, Jon Snow.

Jaime Lannister: But even if the boy lives he would be a cripple, a grotesque. Give me a good, clean death anyday.
Tyrion Lannister: Speaking for the grotesques, I have to disagree. Death is so final, yet life is full of possibilities. I hope the boy does wake. I'd be very interested to hear what he has to say.
Jaime Lannister: Dear brother, there are times you make me wonder whose side you're on.
Tyrion Lannister: Dear brother, you wound me. You know how much I love my family.

Tyrion Lannister: Before you go, you will call upon Lady Stark and offer your sympathies.
Joffrey Baratheon: What good will my sympathies do then?
Tyrion Lannister: None. But it is expected of you. Your absence has already been noted.
Joffrey Baratheon: The boy means nothing to me. Oh I can't stand the wailing of women.
[Tyrion slaps Joffrey]
Tyrion Lannister: One word and I hit you again.
Joffrey Baratheon: I'm telling mother!
[Tyrion slaps him again]
Tyrion Lannister: Go, and tell your mother. But first you will get to Lord and Lady Stark, and you will fall on your knees and tell them how very sorry you are. That you are at their service and your prayers are with them. *Do you understand?*
Joffrey Baratheon: You can't!
[slap]
Tyrion Lannister: Do you understand?
[Joffery leaves angrily]
Sandor Clegane: The prince will remember that, little lord.
Tyrion Lannister: Hope so. If he doesn't, be a good dog and remind him.


"Game of Thrones: Baelor (#1.9)" (2011)
[Tyrion and Tywin talk about the savages of the mountain clans that Tyrion recruited recently]
Tyrion Lannister: Ferocious? Last night, a Moon Brother stabbed a Stone Crow over a sausage. Three Stone Crows seized the Moon Brother and opened his throat. Bronn managed to keep Shagga from chopping off the dead man's cock, which was fortunate but even still, Olf is demanding blood money, which Shagga and Gunther refuse to pay.
Tywin Lannister: When soldiers lack discipline, the fault lies with their commander.
Tyrion Lannister: Surely there are ways to have me killed that would be less detrimental to the war effort!

Bronn: Our lord here used to be married.
Shae: Married?
Tyrion Lannister: [annoyed] How did you hear that?
Bronn: You hear lot of things playing dice with Lannister soldiers.
Tyrion Lannister: [stands] Another night, perhaps.
Shae: [grabs his hand] Not another night. This night!
Tyrion Lannister: It's not a pleasant story.
Shae: Or maybe I will cry.
Bronn: I'm guessing the lady and I can tell more unpleasant stories than your lordship.
Tyrion Lannister: [sits down] So... I was sixteen. My brother Jaime and I were riding when we heard a scream. She ran out onto the road, clothes half torn off, with two men on her heels. Jaime scared the men away easily enough while I wrapped her in my cloak. She was too scared to send off on her own, so Jaime hunted down the rapers, I took her to the nearest inn and fed her. Her name was Tysha. She was a wheelwright's orphan, and she was hungry. Together we finished off three chickens and a flagon of wine. Impossible as it seems, there was a time when I was unaccustomed to wine. I forgot how frail I was around girls. I was always waiting for them to laugh at me, or look away embarrassed, or ask me about my tall handsome brother. I forgot about everything but Tysha, and somehow I found myself in her bed...
Bronn: For three chickens, I should hope so!
Tyrion Lannister: Didn't last long: I didn't know what the hell I was doing. But she was good to me. She kissed me afterwards, and sang me a song, and by morning I was deep enough in love to ask for her hand. A few lies, a few gold coins, and one drunken septon, and there you have it: man and wife. Fortnight anyway, until the septon sobered up and told my father...
Bronn: Well, I imagine that was the end of all that.
Tyrion Lannister: No quite. First my father had Jaime tell me the truth: the girl was a whore, you see. Jaime had arranged the whole thing: the road, the rapers, all of it. He thought it was time I had a woman. After my brother confessed, my father brought in my wife and gave her to his guards. He paid her well, a silver for each of them. How many whores command that kind of price? He brought me into the barracks and made me watch. By the end, she had so much silver, that the coins were slipping through her fingers and rolling onto the floor.
Bronn: I would have killed the man who did that to me.
Shae: You should have known she was a whore.
Tyrion Lannister: Really? I was sixteen, drunk and in love.
Shae: A girl who is almost raped doesn't invite another man into her bed two hours later.
Tyrion Lannister: As I said, I was young and stupid.
Shae: You are still young and stupid.
[Shae approaches Tyrion and lies on top of him. They start having sex. Bronn realizes that he is not needed, and leaves]

Shae: What do you want from me?
Tyrion Lannister: What do I want from you? I want you to share my tent. I want you to pour my wine, laugh at my jokes, rub my legs when they're sore after a day's ride. I want you to take no other man to bed as long as we're together. And I want you to fuck me like it's my last night in this world. Which it may well be.

Tyrion Lannister: And here we have Bronn, son of...
Bronn: You wouldn't know him.


"Game of Thrones: A Golden Crown (#1.6)" (2011)
Tyrion Lannister: When I was twelve, I milked my eel into a pot of turtle stew. I flogged the one-eyed snake, I skinned my sausage, I made the bald man cry, into the turtle stew! Which I do believe my sister ate, at least I hope she did.

[Tyrion is brought before Lysa, after asking to confess his crimes]
Lysa Arryn: You wish to confess your crimes?
Tyrion Lannister: Yes, My Lady. I do, My Lady.
Lysa Arryn: [smiles triumaphantly] The sky cells always break them! Speak, Imp. Meet your gods as an honest man.
Tyrion Lannister: [meekly] Where do I begin, my lords and ladies? I am a vile man, I confess it. My crimes and sins are beyond counting. I have lied and cheated, gambled and whored. I'm not particularly good at violence, but I'm good at convincing others to do violence for me. You want specifics, I suppose. When I was seven, I saw a servant girl bathing in the river. I stole her robe and she was forced to return to the castle naked and in tears. I close my eyes, but I can still see her tits bouncing...
[Bronn and others chuckle]
Tyrion Lannister: When I was ten, I stuffed my uncle's boots with goat shit. When confronted with my crime, I blamed a squire. Poor boy was flogged, and I escaped justice. When I was twelve I milked my eel into a pot of turtle stew. I flogged the one-eyed snake, I skinned my sausage. I made the bald man cry into the turtle stew, which I do believe my sister ate. At least I hope she did. I once brought a jackass and a honeycomb into a brothel...
[many of the crowd burst out laughing. Lysa explodes in rage, realizing that Tyrion is making fun of her]
Lysa Arryn: Silence!
Robin Arryn: What happened next?
Lysa Arryn: [angrily] What do you think you're doing?
Tyrion Lannister: [innocently] Confessing my crimes.

[Tyrion rolls in his sleep very close to the edge of the cell, almost falling to his death. He wakes up in time, and quickly gets as far as he can from the chasm. He approaches the door, knocks and calls Mord the gaoler]
Tyrion Lannister: Mord! Turn-key! Mord! Mord!
[Mord, mean bully with little brain, enters the cell. He starts beating Tyrion with leather strap, making him retreat to the edge of the chasm]
Mord: [angrily] Dwarf man making noise!
Tyrion Lannister: How would you like to be rich?
Mord: [beats Tyrion again] Dwarf man still making noise!
Tyrion Lannister: [desperately] My family is rich. We have gold, lots of gold. I'm prepared to give you lots of gold if...
[Mord searches Tyrion's pockets, finding them empty]
Mord: No gold!
[Mord beats Tyrion once more]
Tyrion Lannister: Well, I don't have it HERE.
Mord: No gold!
[Mord beats Tyrion one last time and turns to leave]
Mord: Fuck off!
[Mord exits the cell]

[Tyrion tries once again to free himself. He leans on the cell door, kicks it and repeatedly calls Mord the gaoler. Mord hears him and enters the cell, waving the leather strap. Tyrion slumps on the floor]
Mord: Noise again?
Tyrion Lannister: About the gold...
[Mord beats Tyrion]
Mord: No gold! No gold!
Tyrion Lannister: [desperately] Listen to me. Listen to me! Sometimes possession is an abstract concept...
[Mord beats Tyrion, clearly angry at him for using difficult words which he cannot preceive with his limited intelligence. Tyrion groans in pain]
Tyrion Lannister: When they captured me, they took my purse, but the gold is still mine!
Mord: [holds the strap threateningly close to Tyrion's face] Where?
Tyrion Lannister: Where? I don't know where...
[Mord beats Tyrion]
Tyrion Lannister: ...but when they free me...
Mord: You want free?
[mockingly, Mord gestures to the six-hundred-feet-long drop where the cell ends]
Mord: Go be free!
Tyrion Lannister: Have you ever heard the phrase "rich as a Lannister"?
[Mord struggles to think it over]
Tyrion Lannister: [talks slowly] Of course you have! You're a smart man. You know who the Lannisters are. I am a Lannister. Tyrion, son of Tywin. Of course, you have also heard the phrase "a Lannister always pays his debts". If you deliver a message from me...
[Tyrion starts to stands, but Mord waves the strap, so Tyrion stops]
Tyrion Lannister: ...to Lady Arryn, I will be in your debt. I will owe you gold... if you deliver the message, and I live, which I very much intend to do.
Mord: [suspiciously] What message?
[slowly and cautiously, Tyrion stands]
Tyrion Lannister: Tell her I wish to confess my crimes.
[shortly afterwards, Tyrion is brought before Lady Arryn]


"Game of Thrones: What Is Dead May Never Die (#2.3)" (2012)
Lord Varys: You will be pleased to know our mutual friend is doing quite well in Lady Sansa's service.
Tyrion Lannister: Good. One of my better ideas.
Lord Varys: And it seems the Grand Maester has found his way into a black cell?
[Tyrion shrugs]
Lord Varys: Well played, my lord Hand. But should I be worried? Janos Slynt, Pycelle... the small council grows smaller every day.
Tyrion Lannister: The council has a reputation for serving past Hands poorly. I don't mean to follow Ned Stark to the grave.
Lord Varys: Power is a curious thing, my lord. Are you fond of riddles?
Tyrion Lannister: Why? Am I about to hear one?
Lord Varys: Three great men sit in a room: a king, a priest, and a rich man. Between them stands a common sellsword. Each great man bids the sellsword kill the other two. Who lives, who dies?
Tyrion Lannister: Depends on the sellsword.
Lord Varys: Does it? He has neither crown, nor gold, nor favor with the gods.
Tyrion Lannister: He has a sword, the power of life and death.
Lord Varys: But if it's swordsmen who rule, why do we pretend kings hold all the power? When Ned Stark lost his head, who was truly responsible? Joffrey? The executioner? Or something else?
Tyrion Lannister: I've decided I don't like riddles.
Lord Varys: [pause] Power resides where men believe it resides. It's a trick. A shadow on the wall. And a very small man can cast a very large shadow.

Tyrion Lannister: Oh, and remember...
Petyr 'Littlefinger' Baelish: The queen mustn't know.

Tyrion Lannister: You disappoint me, Grand Maester.
Grand Maester Pycelle: I am your loyal servant.
Tyrion Lannister: So loyal that you told the queen about my plans to send Myrcella to Dorne.
Grand Maester Pycelle: No! Never! It's a falsehood! I swear it! It wasn't me! Ah, Varys. It was Varys, the spideeeerr!
Tyrion Lannister: See, I told Varys that I was giving the princess to the Greyjoys. I told Littlefinger I planned to wed her to Robyn Arryn. I told no one that I was offering her to the Dornish. No one but you.
Grand Maester Pycelle: The eunuch has spies everywhere.
Tyrion Lannister: Cut off his manhood and feed it to the goats.
Grand Maester Pycelle: There are no goats, half man.
Tyrion Lannister: Well make do!
Tyrion Lannister: [to Pycelle] How long have you been spying for my sister?
Grand Maester Pycelle: All I did, I did for House Lannister! Always! Your Lord father, ask him. I've always been his servant, since the days of the Mad King.
Tyrion Lannister: [casually to Bronn] I don't like his beard.
Grand Maester Pycelle: What? No, no!
[Bronn cuts off Pycelle's beard with a blade]


"Game of Thrones: Lord Snow (#1.3)" (2011)
Tyrion Lannister: No one turns away a Lannister.

Yoren: Bear's balls.
Tyrion Lannister: Oh, you're joking.
Yoren: And his brains, and his guts, his lungs, and his heart, all fried in his own fat. Well, when you're a hundred miles north of the Wall and you ate your last meal a week ago, you leave nothing for the wolves.
Tyrion Lannister: And how do a bear's balls taste?
Yoren: Bit chewy.
[they laugh]
Yoren: What about you, my lord? What's the strangest thing you've eaten?
Tyrion Lannister: Do Dornish girls count?
[they laugh again]

Tyrion Lannister: So... you roam the Seven Kingdoms collaring pickpockets and horse thieves and bring them here as eager recruits.
Yoren: Aye. Well, it's not all of 'em's done bad things. Some of 'em's just poor lads looking for steady feed. Some of 'em's highborn lads looking for glory.
Tyrion Lannister: Better chance of finding feed than glory.
Benjen Stark: [walks in] The Night's Watch is a joke to you, is it? Is that what we are, Lannister? An army of jesters in black?
Tyrion Lannister: You don't have enough men to be an army, and aside from Yoren here, none of you are particularly funny.
Benjen Stark: I hope we provided you with some good stories to tell when you're back in King's Landing. That's something to think about when you're drinking your wine down there, enjoying your brothels. Half the boys you've seen training will die north of the Wall. Might be a wildling's axe that gets them. Might be sickness. Might just be the cold. They die in pain... and they do it so plump little lords like you can enjoy their summer afternoons in peace and comfort.
Tyrion Lannister: [to Yoren] Do you think I'm plump?
[Yoren smiles and looks away]
Tyrion Lannister: Listen, Benjen - may I call you Benjen?
Benjen Stark: Call me what you like.
Tyrion Lannister: I'm not sure what I've done to offend you. I have great admiration for the Night's Watch. I have great admiration for you as First Ranger...
Benjen Stark: You know, my brother once told me that nothing someone says before the word "but" really counts.
Tyrion Lannister: But... I don't believe that giants and ghouls and white walkers are lurking beyond the Wall. I believe that the only difference between us and the wildlings is that when that Wall went up, our ancestors happened to live on the right side of it.
Benjen Stark: You're right. The wildlings are no different from us. A little rougher, maybe. But they're made of meat and bone. I know how to track 'em and I know how to kill 'em. It's not the wildlings giving me sleepless nights. You've never been north of the Wall, so don't tell me what's out there.
[Benjen turns to leave]
Yoren: You going below?
[Yoren and Benjen shake hands]
Yoren: Keep well, keep warm.
Benjen Stark: Enjoy the capital, brother.
Yoren: Oh, I always do.
[Benjen walks out]
Tyrion Lannister: I think he's starting to like me.


"Game of Thrones: Winter Is Coming (#1.1)" (2011)
Tyrion Lannister: Let me tell you something, Bastard. Never forget what you are, the rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor and it can never be used to hurt you.
Jon Snow: What the hell do you know about being a bastard?
Tyrion Lannister: All dwarfs are bastards in their father's eyes.

Tyrion Lannister: [to Jon] My brother, Jaime, has his swords and I have my mind. And a mind needs books like sword needs a whetstone.

Tyrion Lannister: Should I explain the meaning of a closed door in a whorehouse, brother?
Jaime Lannister: You've much to teach me, no doubt, but our sister craves your attention.
Tyrion Lannister: She has odd cravings, our sister.
Jaime Lannister: A family trait.


"Game of Thrones: The Ghost of Harrenhal (#2.5)" (2012)
Protestor: Brother fornicates with sister in the bed of kings. Are we surprised when the fruit of their incest is rotten? Yes. A rotten king.
Tyrion Lannister: It's hard to argue with his assessment.
Bronn: Not after what he did to your birthday present.
Tyrion Lannister: The king is a lost cause. It's the rest of us I'm worried about now.

Tyrion Lannister: I remember reading an old sailor's proverb. Piss on wildfire and your cock burns off.
Hallyne: Oh, I have not conducted this experiment. It could well be true.

Joffrey Baratheon: Traitors! I'll have all their heads!
Tyrion Lannister: Oh you blind, bloody fool!
Joffrey Baratheon: You can't insult me!
Tyrion Lannister: We've had vicious kings, and we've had idiot kings, but I don't know if we've ever been cursed with a vicious idiot for a king!
Joffrey Baratheon: You can't...
Tyrion Lannister: I can, I am!
Joffrey Baratheon: They attacked ME!
Tyrion Lannister: They threw a cow pie at you, so you decided to kill them all? They're starving you fool! All because of a war you started.
Joffrey Baratheon: You're talking to a KING!
Tyrion Lannister: [slaps Joffrey] And know I've struck a king. Did my hand fall from my wrist? Where is the Stark girl?
Joffrey Baratheon: Let them have her!
Tyrion Lannister: If she dies, you'll never get your Uncle Jamie back! You owe him quite a bit, you know.


"Game of Thrones: The Night Lands (#2.2)" (2012)
Tyrion Lannister: Tell me, when your men slaughtered Ned Stark's men at the throne room, did you give the orders?
Janos Slynt: I did, and I would again. The man was a traitor. He tried to buy my loyalty.
Tyrion Lannister: [teasing] The fool. He had no idea you were already bought.
Janos Slynt: [angrily] Are you drunk? I won't have my honor questioned by an imp!
Tyrion Lannister: I'm not questioning your honor, Lord Janos. I'm denying its existence.
[Janos jumps on his feet furiously]
Janos Slynt: If you think I'll stand here and take this from you, dwarf...
Tyrion Lannister: "Dwarf"? You should have stopped at "imp". And yes, you will stand here and take it from me, unless you like to take it from my friend here.
[Janos notices that Bronn stands near him]
Tyrion Lannister: I intend to serve as Hand of the King until my father returns from the war. And seeing as you betrayed the last Hand of the King, well, I just wouldn't feel safe with you lurking about.
Janos Slynt: Did you... my friends at the court will not allow this! The queen herself...
Tyrion Lannister: The queen regent. And you are a fool to believe she is your friend.
Janos Slynt: [hissing] We shall hear what Joffrey has to say about this!
Tyrion Lannister: No, we shall not.
[several guards of the City Watch enter]
Tyrion Lannister: There's a ship leaving for Eastwatch-by-the-Sea tonight. From there, I'm afraid it's rather long walk to Castle Black. I hope you enjoy the Wall. I found it surprisingly beautiful... in a brutal, horribly uncomfortable sort of way.
Bronn: The lads will escort you. The streets aren't safe at night, my Lord.
Janos Slynt: [angrily] These men are under my command!
[Bronn grins teasingly]
Janos Slynt: [to the guards] I command you to arrest this cutthroat!
Tyrion Lannister: His name is Bronn, and he is the new commander of the City Watch.
Bronn: [to the guards] Boys...
[the guards drag Janos Slynt outside, despite his loud protests]

Cersei Lannister: You want to be Hand of the King? You want to rule? This is what ruling is; lying on a bed of weeds, ripping them out by the root, one by one, before they strangle you in your sleep!
Tyrion Lannister: I'm no king, but I think there's more to ruling than that.
Cersei Lannister: I don't care what you think! You've never taken it seriously; you haven't, Jaime hasn't! It's all fallen on me.
Tyrion Lannister: As has Jaime repeatedly, according to Stannis Baratheon.
Cersei Lannister: You're funny. You've always been funny, but none of your jokes will match the first one, will they? Do you remember, back when you ripped my mother open on your way out of her and she bled to death?
Tyrion Lannister: She was my mother too.
Cersei Lannister: Mother gone, for the sake of you. There's no bigger joke in the world than that.

Shae: And I tell him the story of how we meet.
Lord Varys: To find so lovely a creature working in your father's kitchens - it almost beggars belief.
Tyrion Lannister: Strange things do happen. You should taste her fish pie.
Shae: I don't think Lord Varys likes fish pie.


"Game of Thrones: The Prince of Winterfell (#2.8)" (2012)
Tyrion Lannister: [to Cersei] I will hurt you for this. A day will come when you think you're safe and happy, and your joy will turn to ashes in your mouth.

Lord Varys: My Lord Hand, Commander. I must compliment on the Gold Cloaks' performance these last few weeks.
[to Tyrion]
Lord Varys: Did you know there has been a marked drop in thievery?
Tyrion Lannister: I did not know.
[to Bronn]
Tyrion Lannister: And how did you accomplish this marked drop in thievery?
Bronn: Me and the lads rounded up all the known thieves.
Tyrion Lannister: For questioning?
Bronn: Uh, no.
[Tyrion looks annoyed]
Bronn: It's just the unknown thieves we've got to worry about now.
Tyrion Lannister: We talked about this.
Bronn: Aye, we talked about it. Have you ever been in a city under siege? Maybe this part's not in your books. See, it's not the fighting that kills most people; it's the starving. Food's worth more than gold. Noble ladies sell their diamonds for a sack of potatoes. Things get bad enough, the poor start eating each other. The thieves, they love a siege. Soon as the gates are sealed, they steal all the food. By the time it's all over, they're the richest men in town.
Lord Varys: Given the circumstances, my lord, I believe extreme measures are warranted.

Tyrion Lannister: I will hurt you for this. A day will come when you think you are safe and happy, and your joy will turn to ashes in your mouth. And you will know the debt is paid.


"Game of Thrones: The Wolf and the Lion (#1.5)" (2011)
[upon seeing the Eyrie for the first time]
Tyrion Lannister: The Eyrie. They say it's impregnable.
Bronn: Give me ten good men and some climbing spikes. I'll impregnate the bitch.
Tyrion Lannister: I like you.

Catelyn Stark: [on the road after Catelyn kidnaps Tyrion] Remove his hood.
Tyrion Lannister: This isn't the kingsroad. You said we were riding for Winterfell.
Catelyn Stark: I did. Often, and loudly.
Tyrion Lannister: Very wise. They'll be out in droves, looking for me in the wrong place. Word's probably gotten to my father by now. He'll be offering a handsome reward. Everyone knows a Lannister always pays his debts. Would you be so good as to untie me?
Catelyn Stark: And why would I do that?
Tyrion Lannister: Why not? Am I going to run? The hill tribes would kill me for my goods, unless a shadowcat ate me first.
Catelyn Stark: Shadowcats and hill tribes are the least of your concerns.
Tyrion Lannister: Ah. The eastern road. We're going to the Vale. You're taking me to your sister's to answer for my imagined crimes. Tell me, Lady Stark, when was the last time you saw your sister?
Catelyn Stark: Five years ago.
Tyrion Lannister: She's changed. She was always a bit touched, but now, you might as well kill me here.
Catelyn Stark: I am not a murderer, Lannister.
Tyrion Lannister: Neither am I. I had nothing to do with the attempt on your son's life.
Catelyn Stark: The dagger found...
Tyrion Lannister: What sort of imbecile arms an assassin with his own blade?
Ser Rodrik Cassel: Gag him.
Tyrion Lannister: Why? Am I starting to make sense?


"Game of Thrones: The Mountain and the Viper (#4.8)" (2014)
Tyrion Lannister: What's the punishment for regicide? Drawing and quartering? Hanging? Breaking at the wheel?
Jaime Lannister: Beheading.
Tyrion Lannister: Seems rather ordinary. And he was my nephew as well, so what is that? Fratricide is brothers. Filicide is sons. Nepoticide. That's the one. Matricide, patricide, infanticide, suicide. There's no kind of killing that doesn't have its own word.
Jaime Lannister: [referring to Alton Lannister] Cousins.
Tyrion Lannister: Cousins, you're right. There is no word for cousin killing. Well done.

Tyrion Lannister: Do you remember cousin Orson? Orson Lannister?
Jaime Lannister: Of course. Wet nurse dropped him on his head. Left him simple.
Tyrion Lannister: Simple? Used to sit all day in the garden. Crushing beetles with a rock.
[Jaime and Tyrion jokingly mimic how Orson used to crush beetles and the "kun kun kun" he made while doing so]
Tyrion Lannister: Nothing made him happier.
Jaime Lannister: Nothing made YOU happier. You'd think being tormented from birth would have given you some affinity for the afflicted.
Tyrion Lannister: On the contrary. Laughing at another person's misery was the only thing that made me feel like everyone else.
Jaime Lannister: The joke wore thin, though.
Tyrion Lannister: For you. You drifted away.
Jaime Lannister: I had other interests.
Tyrion Lannister: Yes, other interests. But I stayed with Orson.
Jaime Lannister: Why?
Tyrion Lannister: I was curious. Why was he smashing all those beetles? What did he get out of it? First thing I did was ask him "Orson, why are you smashing all those beetles?". He gave me an answer "Smath the beetles. Smath 'em. kun kun kun".
[Jaime chuckles]
Tyrion Lannister: I wasn't deterred. I was the smartest person I knew. Certainly I had the wherewithal to unravel the mysteries that lay at the heart of a moron. So I went to Maester Volarik's library.
Jaime Lannister: [shakes his head disgustedly] Volarik. Tried to touch me once.
Tyrion Lannister: Turns out, far too much has been written about great men and not nearly enough about morons. Doesn't seem right. In any case, I found nothing that illuminated the nature of Orson's affliction or the reason behind his relentless beetle slaughter. So I went back to the source. I may not have been able to speak with Orson, but I could observe him, watch him, the way men watch animals to come to a deeper understanding of their behavior. And as I watched, I became more and more sure of it. There was something happening there. His face was like the page of a book written in a language I didn't understand, but he wasn't mindless, he had his reasons. And I became possessed with knowing what they were. I began spending inordinate amounts of time watching him. I would eat my lunch in the garden, chewing my mutton to the music of "kun kun kun". And when I wasn't watching him, I was thinking about him. Father droned on about the family legacy and I thought about Orson's beetles. I read the histories of Targaryen conquests. Did I hear dragon wings? No, I heard "kun kun kun". And I still couldn't figure out why he was doing it. And I had to know because it was horrible, that all these beetles would be dying for no reason.
Jaime Lannister: Every day around the world, men, women and children are murdered by the score. Who gives a dusty fuck about a bunch of beetles?
Tyrion Lannister: I know, I know. But still, it filled me with dread. Piles and piles of them, years and years of them. How many countless living crawling things smashed and dried out and returned to the dirt? In my dreams I found myself standing on a beach made of beetle husks stretching as far as the eye could see. I woke up crying, weeping for their shattered little bodies. I tried to stop Orson once.
Jaime Lannister: He was twice your size.
Tyrion Lannister: He just pushed me aside with a "kun" and kept on smashing. Every day until that mule kicked him in the chest and killed him.
[Tyrion notices a beetle on the floor. He picks it up, puts it back down and leaves it unharmed]
Tyrion Lannister: So what do you think? Why did he do it? What was it all about?
Jaime Lannister: I don't know.
[they hear bells tolling. Jaime wishes Tyrion good luck and leaves]


"Game of Thrones: Kissed by Fire (#3.5)" (2013)
Tywin Lannister: [Tyrion Lannister enters Tywin's meeting chambers. He sees his sister Cersei and his father Tywin sitting at the table] You're late.
Tyrion Lannister: What is she doing here?
Tywin Lannister: Our business concerns her too. Sit.
Tyrion Lannister: [Tywin sits with a thick book in his hand] You'll be pleased to learn that after one conversation with Olenna Tyrell, I've saved the Crown hundreds of thousands on this wedding.
Tywin Lannister: Never mind that now. We have something important to discuss.
Tyrion Lannister: I'm Master of Coin. Saving money is important.
[Cersei smirks to the point of almost snickering. He looks at her with fuming annoyance]
Tyrion Lannister: Stop that. You're making me uncomfortable.
Tywin Lannister: Your sister has learned that your new friends the Tyrells are plotting marry Sansa Stark to Ser Loras.
Tyrion Lannister: Very well. She's a lovely girl. Missing some of Loras' favorite bits, but I'm sure they'll make do.
Tywin Lannister: Your jokes are not appreciated.
Tyrion Lannister: It wasn't my best, but I thought...
Tywin Lannister: [interrupting Tyrion] I bring them into the royal fold and this is how they repay me, by trying to steal the key to the North out from under me.
Tyrion Lannister: Sansa is the key to the North? I seem to remember she has an older brother.
Tywin Lannister: The Karstarks have marched home. The young wolf has lost half his army. His days are numbered. Theon Greyjoy murdered both his brothers. That makes Sansa Stark the heir to Winterfell. And I'm not about to hand her over to the Tyrells.
Tyrion Lannister: The Tyrell army is helping us to win this war. Do you really think it's wise to refuse them?
Tywin Lannister: There's nothing to refuse. This is a plot. Plots are not public knowledge. And the Tyrells won't carry this one out until after Joffrey's wedding. We need to act first and kill this union in its crib.
Tyrion Lannister: And how do we do that?
Tywin Lannister: We find Sansa Stark a different husband.
Tyrion Lannister: Wonderful.
Cersei Lannister: Yes, it is.
Tyrion Lannister: [Tyrion looks at his sister beaming at him. His eyes widen and immediately learns he's the one his father plans to marry Sansa Stark. He looks back at his father, appalled] You can't mean it.
Tywin Lannister: I can and I do.
Tyrion Lannister: Joffrey has made this poor girl's life miserable since the day he took her father's head. Now she's finally free of him and you want her to give her to me? That's cruel even for you.
Tywin Lannister: Do you intend on mistreating her? The girl's happiness is not my concern - nor should it be yours.
Tyrion Lannister: She's a child!
Cersei Lannister: She's flowered, I assure you. She and I have discussed it at length.

Tywin Lannister: There, you see? You will wed her, bed her, and put a child in her. Surely you're capable of that.
Tyrion Lannister: And if I refuse?
Tywin Lannister: You wanted to be rewarded for your valor in battle. Sansa Stark is a finer reward than you could ever dare hope for. And it is past time you were wed.
Tyrion Lannister: [angrily] I was wed. Or don't you remember you?
Tywin Lannister: [displeased with his son's tone] Only too well.
[Cersei smiles at her brother gloatingly]
Cersei Lannister: You should be thanking the gods for this. This is more than you deserve.
Tywin Lannister: Tyrion will do as he's bid.
[Tywin turns to Cersei]
Tywin Lannister: As will you.
[Cersei's smile fades. She turns to her father, confused and uncertain of what he's talking about]
Cersei Lannister: What do you mean?
Tywin Lannister: You'll marry Ser Loras.
[Tyrion's eyes go from his father to his sister]
Cersei Lannister: I will not.
Tywin Lannister: The boy is heir to Highgarden. Tyrion will secure the North. You will secure the Reach.
Cersei Lannister: No, I won't do it.
Tywin Lannister: Yes, you will. You're still fertile. You need to marry and breed.
Cersei Lannister: [snaps with intense anger] I am Queen Regent, not some broodmare.
Tywin Lannister: [shouts angrily and almost interrupting her] You're my daughter! You will do as I command and you will marry Loras Tyrell and put an end to the disgusting rumors about you once and for all.
Cersei Lannister: [pleading] Father, don't make me do it again, please.
[Tywin gets up, pounding the table with his fist]
Tywin Lannister: Not another word!
[Tywin looks at his children with complete disappointment]
Tywin Lannister: My children. You've disgraced the Lannister name for far too long.


"Game of Thrones: The Climb (#3.6)" (2013)
[Tyrion and Cersei are watching Sansa talking to Ser Loras]
Tyrion Lannister: I don't suppose there is anything we can do about this?
Cersei Lannister: We can have them both killed.
Tyrion Lannister: It's hard to say which of the four of us is getting the worst of the arrangement. Probably Sansa. Though Loras will certainly come to know a deep and singular misery.
Cersei Lannister: Father doesn't discriminate.

Tyrion Lannister: Where to begin... this is awkward.


"Game of Thrones: The Lion and the Rose (#4.2)" (2014)
Sansa Stark: We have a new queen.
Tyrion Lannister: Better her than you.

Oberyn Martell: Hello.
Tyrion Lannister: Hello.
Oberyn Martell: Not you.


"Game of Thrones: The Old Gods and the New (#2.6)" (2012)
Tyrion Lannister: [to Joffrey] We've had vicious kings and we've had idiot kings, but I don't know if we've ever been cursed with a vicious idiot boy king!

Joffrey Baratheon: [during a vicious riot] Traitors! I'll have their heads!
Tyrion Lannister: Oh you blind, bloody fool!
Joffrey Baratheon: You can't insult me!
Tyrion Lannister: We've had vicious kings, we've had boy kings but I don't think we've ever been cursed with a vicious idiot boy king!
Joffrey Baratheon: You can't!
Tyrion Lannister: I can and I am!
Joffrey Baratheon: They attacked me!
Tyrion Lannister: Someone threw a cow pie at you so you decide to kill them all! They're starving, you fool! All because of a war you started!
Joffrey Baratheon: YOU'RE TALKING TO A KING!
[Tyrion slaps Joffrey in the face]
Tyrion Lannister: And now I've struck a king. Did my hand fall from my wrist?


"Game of Thrones: The North Remembers (#2.1)" (2012)
Tyrion Lannister: You love your children. It's your one redeeming quality - that and your cheekbones.

Shae: Cities make me want to fuck.
Tyrion Lannister: And so did the country.


"Game of Thrones: A Man Without Honor (#2.7)" (2012)
Tyrion Lannister: It's hard to put a leash on a dog once you've put a crown on its head.

Tyrion Lannister: It's just you, me, and Joffrey. The Lord of the Seven Kingdoms and Protector of the Realm.
Cersei Lannister: I'm sure you'll make a point eventually.
Tyrion Lannister: He needs to start acting like a king. This war you started is coming to our doorstep. And if the entire city wants Joffrey dead...
Cersei Lannister: I'm not the one giving the boy whores to abuse.
Tyrion Lannister: I thought the girls might help him.
Cersei Lannister: Did you?
Tyrion Lannister: I was wrong!


"Game of Thrones: The Pointy End (#1.8)" (2011)
Shagga: How would you like to die, Tyrion, son of Tywin?
Tyrion Lannister: In my own bed, at the age of 80, with a belly full of wine and a girl's mouth around my cock.

[Tyrion is whistling as he and Bronn walk through the Vale]
Bronn: Will you shut up? There's hill tribes all around here.
Tyrion Lannister: If I'm going to die, it may as well be with a song in my heart.
Bronn: I should just take your food and leave you here. Eh? What would you do then?
Tyrion Lannister: Starve, most likely.
Bronn: You don't think I'd do it, do you?
Tyrion Lannister: What do you want, Bronn? Gold? Women? Gold and women? Stick with me and you'll have them all, for as long as I'm around and not a moment longer. But you knew that. That is why you so valiantly took up arms to defend my honor.
Bronn: Fair enough. But don't go looking for me to bend the knee and "m'lord" you every time you take a shit. I'm not your toady and I'm not your friend.
Tyrion Lannister: Though I would treasure your friendship, I'm mainly interested in your facility with murder. And if the day ever comes when you're tempted to sell me out, remember this: whatever their price, I'll beat it. I like living.
[Tyrion continues whistling]


"Game of Thrones: Cripples, Bastards, and Broken Things (#1.4)" (2011)
Theon Greyjoy: Can't resist some northern ass? If you like redheads, ask for Ros.
Tyrion Lannister: Come to see me off, Greyjoy? Kind of you. Your master doesn't seem to like Lannisters.
Theon Greyjoy: He's not my master.
Tyrion Lannister: No, of course not. What happened here? Where is Lady Stark? Why didn't she receive me?
Theon Greyjoy: She wasn't feeling well.
Tyrion Lannister: She's not in Winterfell, is she? Where did she go?
Theon Greyjoy: Milady's whereabouts...
Tyrion Lannister: "Milady?" Your loyalty to your captors is touching. Tell me, how do you think Balon Greyjoy would feel if he could see his only surviving son has turned lackey? I still remember my father's fleet burn in Lannisport. I believe your uncles were responsible.
Theon Greyjoy: Must've been a pretty sight.
Tyrion Lannister: Nothing prettier than watching sailors burn alive. Yes, a great victory for your people. Shame how it all turned out.
Theon Greyjoy: We were outnumbered ten to one!
Tyrion Lannister: A stupid rebellion, then. I suppose your father realized that when your brothers died in battle. Now here you are, your enemy's squire.
Theon Greyjoy: Careful, Imp.
Tyrion Lannister: I've offended you. Forgive me. It's been a rough morning. Anyway, don't despair. I'm a constant disappointment to my own father and I've learned to live with it.
[Tyrion tosses a coin at Theon's feet]
Tyrion Lannister: Your next tumble with Ros is on me. I'll try not to wear her out.

[Tyrion gives Bran a drawing of saddle which will enable him to ride a horse]
Bran Stark: Will I really be able to ride?
Tyrion Lannister: [nods] You will. On horseback you will be as tall as any of them.
Robb Stark: [suspiciously] Is this some kind of trick? Why do you want to help him?
Tyrion Lannister: I have a tender spot in my heart for cripples and bastards and broken things.


"Game of Thrones: Fire and Blood (#1.10)" (2011)
Tywin Lannister: I always thought you were a stunted fool. Perhaps I was wrong.
Tyrion Lannister: Half wrong.


"Game of Thrones: The Laws of Gods and Men (#4.6)" (2014)
Tyrion Lannister: Father, I wish to confess. I wish to confess!
Tywin Lannister: You wish to confess?
Tyrion Lannister: [to the crowd] I saved you. I saved this city. All your worthless lives. I should have let Stannis kill you all.
[Crowd becomes outraged]
Tywin Lannister: Tyrion, do you wish to confess?
Tyrion Lannister: Yes, father. I'm guilty. Guilty. Is that what you want to hear?
Tywin Lannister: You admit you poisoned the king?
Tyrion Lannister: No. Of that, I'm innocent. I'm guilty of a far more monstrous crime. I'm guilty of being a dwarf.
Tywin Lannister: You are not on trial for being a dwarf.
Tyrion Lannister: Oh, yes I am. I've been on trial for that my entire life.
Tywin Lannister: Have you nothing to say in your defense?
Tyrion Lannister: Nothing but this, I did not do it.
[to Cersei]
Tyrion Lannister: I did not kill Joffery, but I wish that I had! Watching your vicious bastard die gave me more relief than a thousand lying whores!
[to the crowd]
Tyrion Lannister: I wish I was the monster you think I am! I wish I had enough poison for the whole pack of you! I would gladly give my life to watch you all swallow it!
[Crowd outbursts again]
Tywin Lannister: Ser Meryn! Ser Meryn escort the prisoner back to his cell!
Tyrion Lannister: I will not give my life for Joffery's murder and I know I'll get no justice here, so I will let the gods decide my fate. I demand a trial by combat!


"Game of Thrones: The Children (#4.10)" (2014)
Tyrion Lannister: Oh get on with it, you son of a whore!
Jaime Lannister: Is that any way to speak about our mother?


"Game of Thrones: Garden of Bones (#2.4)" (2012)
[at Joffrey's command, Meryn Trant has beaten Sansa and torn her clothes, and he is about to continue beating her. Tyrion intervenes]
Tyrion Lannister: What kind of knight beats a helpless girl?
Meryn Trant: The kind who serves his king, Imp!
Bronn: Careful now. We don't want to get blood all over your pretty white cloak.
Tyrion Lannister: Someone get the girl something to cover herself with.
[Sandor Clegane gives Sansa his cloak]
Tyrion Lannister: [to Joffrey] She's to be your queen! Have you no regard for her honor?
Joffrey Baratheon: I'm punishing her.
Tyrion Lannister: For what crimes? She's not fighting her brother's battle, you halfwit.
Joffrey Baratheon: You can't talk to me like that. The king can do as he likes!
Tyrion Lannister: The Mad King did as he like. Has your uncle Jaime ever told you what happened to him?
Meryn Trant: No one threatens his grace in the presence of the Kingsguard!
Tyrion Lannister: I'm not threatening the king, Ser, I'm educating my nephew.
[Tyrion speaks to Bronn]
Tyrion Lannister: Bronn, the next time the Ser Meryn speaks, kill him.
[Tyrion turns to Ser Meryn]
Tyrion Lannister: THAT was a threat. See the difference?


"Game of Thrones: Two Swords (#4.1)" (2014)
[after stabbing a Lannister soldier in Littlefinger's brothel, Oberyn Martell leaves with Tyrion]
Oberyn Martell: Seems I visited the Lannister brothel by mistake.
Tyrion Lannister: Oh, they take all kinds.
Oberyn Martell: [sarcastically] Even Dornishmen.
Tyrion Lannister: The king is very grateful that you traveled all this way for his wedding.
Oberyn Martell: Now let us speak truth here, Joffrey is insulted. I am only the second son, after all.
Tyrion Lannister: Well, speaking as a fellow second son, I've grown rather used to being the family insult.
[Oberyn laughs]
Tyrion Lannister: Why did you come to King's Landing, Prince Oberyn?
Oberyn Martell: I was invited to the royal wedding.
Tyrion Lannister: I thought we were speaking truth.
Oberyn Martell: [pause] The last time I was in the capital was many years ago. Another wedding. My sister Elia and Rhaegar Targaryen, the Last Dragon. My sister loved him. She bore his children. Swaddled them, rocked them, fed them at her own breast. Elia wouldn't let the wet nurse touch them. And beautiful, noble Rhaegar Targaryen... left her for another woman. That started a war, and the war ended right here, when your father's army took the city.
Tyrion Lannister: It wasn't actually...
Oberyn Martell: They butchered those children. My nephew and niece. Carved them up and wrapped them in Lannister cloaks. And my sister. You know what they did to her?
[Tyrion has been staring at the ground uncomfortably for some time; Oberyn lifts his chin with a finger]
Oberyn Martell: I'm asking you a question.
Tyrion Lannister: I've heard rumors.
Oberyn Martell: [chuckles] So have I. The one I keep hearing is that Gregor Clegane, the Mountain, raped Elia and split her in half with his greatsword.
Tyrion Lannister: I wasn't there. I don't know what...
Oberyn Martell: If the Mountain killed my sister, your father gave the order.
[pause]
Oberyn Martell: Tell your father I'm here. And tell him the Lannisters aren't the only ones who pay their debts.
[Oberyn walks away]


"Game of Thrones: Valar Morghulis (#2.10)" (2012)
Tyrion Lannister: [to Shae] I'm a monster, as well as a dwarf. You should charge me double.


"Game of Thrones: The Bear and the Maiden Fair (#3.7)" (2013)
Tyrion Lannister: [talks about Sansa] She's a child.
Bronn: She's a foot taller than you.
Tyrion Lannister: A tall child.
Bronn: What's the youngest you've ever had?
Tyrion Lannister: Not that young.
Bronn: How much older?
Tyrion Lannister: Older.
Bronn: You're a lord, she's a lady, and a beauty at that. I don't see the problem.
Tyrion Lannister: Shae's not going to like it.
Bronn: Shae is a whore! Are you going to marry her? Eh? How did marrying a whore work out for you the first time?
Tyrion Lannister: I should never have told you about that.
Bronn: You want Shae, keep her. Wed one and bed the other. All you have to do is get a son in the Stark girl. He'll be lord of Winterfell one day; you can rule the North in his name. You'll have two women and a whole kingdom of your own.
Tyrion Lannister: Two women to despise me and a whole kingdom to join them.
Bronn: You waste time trying to get people to love you. You'll end up the most popular dead man in town.
[Bronn chuckles]
Bronn: You want to fuck that Stark girl. You just don't want to admit it.
Tyrion Lannister: I don't pay you to put evil notions in my head. The ones already there don't need company.
Bronn: You pay me to kill people who bother you. Evil notions come free.