Jillian Russell
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Quotes for
Jillian Russell (Character)
from "Family Guy" (1999)

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"Family Guy: Whistle While Your Wife Works (#5.5)" (2006)
Jillian: Think about this: Have you ever seen the sun and the moon at the same time?
Peter Griffin: [gasps] They're the same person!
Chris Griffin: [to Jillian] You're brilliant!

Jillian: Omigod, Brian! I was watching this TV special about this guy called Hitler; somebody should stop him!

Stewie Griffin: Mmm... Jillian, this is some good lemonade!
Jillian: Yeah.
[sadly]
Jillian: I'm just sad they had to kill so many lemons to make it...


"Family Guy: Movin' Out (Brian's Song) (#6.2)" (2007)
Stewie Griffin: That's right, I'm paying Mr.Lickety-Self's half of the rent.
Jillian: Is that true?
Brian Griffin: All right, yes, fine, it's true.
Jillian: Why didn't you say anything?
Brian Griffin: Because you wanted me to move in so badly, and God knows I didn't want to...
Jillian: Wait, you didn't wanna move in with me?
Brian Griffin: Well... honestly, no.
Jillian: Oh, my God! I've never felt so stupid!
Brian Griffin: Really?
Jillian: Well, I don't wanna be your guilty burden, Brian. We're through!
[Jillian grabs her clothes and leaves]
Brian Griffin: Jillian, wait!
[Door slams]
Brian Griffin: Damn it!
Stewie Griffin: I'm sorry, Brian. You'll feel better in the morning.
[Stewie covers himself, then Brian turns the light out to go to sleep]
Stewie Griffin: Hey, you know what you should do? You should have sex with somebody else just to get back at her for walking out on you. Ju-just have sex with somebody. Anybody. Just don't-don't even think about it. The next person you see, the very next person you see.
[the light turns back on; Stewie is staring Brian dead in the face with a smirk on his face. Brian then punches him out of bed]

Jillian: [Brian has returned to Jillian's apartment and asks her to take him back] I'm sorry Brian, you broked my heart.


"Family Guy: And Then There Were Fewer (#9.1)" (2010)
Jillian Russell: Hey... maybe it was that cat who was the murderer! Let me ask him: "Miau miau miau, mia mia mia miau?"
Talking Cat: We don't all talk like that. I happen to be a professor.
Derek Wilcox: Our apologies, sir.
Talking Cat: I should imagine so. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have papers to correct.


"Family Guy: Prick Up Your Ears (#5.6)" (2006)
Jillian: [vomits]
Stewie Griffin: Good Lord, Brian, what was that?
Brian Griffin: Oh, that was just Jillian. She's got this eating disorder, she's bulimic.
Stewie Griffin: Woah, really?
Brian Griffin: Yeah, her hair's falling out, and yesterday she just lost a tooth.
Stewie Griffin: Really?
Brian Griffin: Yeah, but that purging just makes her look fabulous.
Brian Griffin: I mean, that's what the supermodels do, and let me tell you, some of them just look so good.
Jillian: [vomits again, but this time more violently]
Brian Griffin: Karen Carpenter overdid it, but I think Jillian's found a good balance.


"Family Guy: Boys Do Cry (#5.15)" (2007)
Brian Griffin: [answers the phone] Hello? Oh, hi, Jillian.
Jillian: Brian, I'm reading TV Guide. Can you explain how these cheers and jeers work again?
Brian Griffin: Uh, well, the "cheers" is when they generally approve of something on television and "jeers" is when they find some sort of fault with it, uh...
Jillian: Oh! See, yeah, I'm not quite - We can't do this over the phone! You're gonna have to come over.
Brian Griffin: I can't come over! We're still on the run because the town thinks Stewie's possessed.
Jillian: No, they don't! Didn't you hear? They stopped chasing you weeks ago.
Brian Griffin: What? I have to go!
[starts to hang up the phone]
Jillian: Wait! Wait! I have another question: How do I know if I'm Jewish?
Brian Griffin: Are you Jewish?
Jillian: No.
Brian Griffin: There you go, sport.
Jillian: Thank you!
[Brian hangs up the phone]


"Family Guy: Chick Cancer (#5.7)" (2006)
Stewie Griffin: [wearing Brian's hair on his chest and diaper] Hey, baby!
Jillian: Hi, Stewie!
Brian Griffin: What the hell are you doing?
Stewie Griffin: Eeh, not much really. Just me and my pubes, haaaaangin' out.
Brian Griffin: Oh, dear God.
Stewie Griffin: Boy, I am so beat from doing adult stuff all day.
Jillian: So am I.
Stewie Griffin: [stretches, revealing Brian's hair in his armpits] I just feel like kickin' it tonight.
[fuzzy dice fall out of his diaper]
Stewie Griffin: Oh! Look at that, I'm growing all the time.
Brian Griffin: Hey, uh, Jillian, can you give me a minute?
Stewie Griffin: You ever just let your balls hang out, B-Ri? You ever do that, B-roni? "drove my Chevy to the levy, but the levy was Bri?"
Brian Griffin: Give me my hair back
[takes hair off Stewie]
Stewie Griffin: Ow! What the hell, man?