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: Let me guess. Finn and Rachel are going to do a ballad, right? Followed by the kids joining in with a classic rock number where Mercedes will belt out the last jaw-dropping note. Will Schuester
: Have you been going through my desk? Emma Pillsbury
: It's what you always do.
: [Will hands her a pair of tickets
] House seats to sectionals? Will Schuester
: Those things are hard to come by. Scalpers are getting, like, five bucks for 'em.
: [learning Finn once slept with Santana
] Just tell me if it's true. Finn Hudson
: I'm sorry. Okay? I shouldn't have lied to you. I just thought that if I told you the truth, you'd get so mad at me, and you're kind of scary. Rachel Berry
: Don't you see how it's ten times worse now? And why her? I mean, Quinn I'd understand, but her? Do you think she's prettier than me? Emma Pillsbury
: Don't answer that.
: My dads went to couples counseling because one of them put up wallpaper in the den without asking the other, and they said it was the only thing that kept them from killing each other. Emma Pillsbury
: Okay. Rachel Berry
: We need your help. That's why I set up this counseling session. Emma Pillsbury
: You're both in Glee. Why don't you sing about it? Right? Aren't there some great songs about betrayal or something? I'm pretty sure there's some Eagles songs.
: Why did you lie to Rachel? Finn Hudson
: I didn't want to hurt her. Rachel Berry
: Then why did you do it with her? Finn Hudson
: Why are you so caught up with who it was? It doesn't... Rachel Berry
: Was it because she's hot? Finn Hudson
: Yeah, sure, she's super hot, but, um, that's...
[he sees Emma nonverbally telling him "no" and trails off
] Rachel Berry
: As a therapist, is it productive for me to slap him right now? Emma Pillsbury
: Well, I'm not a therapist, but no. Um... maybe you should storm out. Rachel Berry
[with a contemptable look, she storms out, leaving Finn alone
] Emma Pillsbury
: Is there anything else you want to talk about?
: Every team tries to showcase their strongest players. Emma Pillsbury
: Look, just seeing your kids do the "Rocky Horror" thing really reminded me of how much talent you've got in Glee Club. Quinn has a beautiful voice, and Mike Chang has dance moves that are to die for. Look, I'm sure that you know what you're doing; I'm not saying that. Everyone has picked you as favorites for sectionals, you won your sectional last year. It's just, I don't know, you guys used to be the underdogs. Now you're a real team, which is wonderful. You're a constellation of stars. I would just hate to think that you might be ignoring some of them because they don't burn quite as obviously bright.
[realizing she's overstepped
] Emma Pillsbury
: I've said too much. Will Schuester
: No. You said just enough.
: You wanted to see me? Emma Pillsbury
: Um. Yeah. Thank you for coming. Please sit down. Sue Sylvester
: No. Emma Pillsbury
: Okay. Um. I was just wondering why Madonna was playing everywhere except my office. Sue Sylvester
: Well, it's simple, Arlene. You don't deserve the power of Madonna. You have none of her self-confidence, her power over her body, or her sexual magnetism. Simply put, you have all the sensuality of one of those pandas down at the zoo who refuse to mate. I had your intercom disconnected.
: Where have you been? I have been calling you all weekend. Emma Pillsbury
: I was kind of embarrassed. I really wanted to go through with it, Will. You were so gracious and gentle and... handsome, and it felt so good to be close to you in that way. I just... I don't know why I always freak out that like that. Will Schuester
: Stop. Stop, stop, stop. You don't need to sleep with me to prove anything. You took ownership of your body on Friday when you told yourself you weren't ready... and then ran out of my apartment with no shoes on. Emma Pillsbury
: They're my favorites. Did you bring them?
: I feel so bad, Emma. I've been working so hard trying to get the guys to start treating the girls with more respect, and I... I haven't been walking the walk. I never should have agreed to have you come over that night. Emma Pillsbury
: I did kind of throw myself at you. Will Schuester
: That is the point. All right, we're falling into a pattern here. We need to instant an official no dating policy until my divorce is final. Emma Pillsbury
: Well, when will that be? Will Schuester
: I filed today. So that's a start. But while we're waiting, I want you to get some help for your problems; we need to take action here. They're not gonna go away unless we do.
[handing her a business card
] Will Schuester
: Now, our health union covers counseling. They'll come to the school, meet you in your office, whatever you need. And...
[he places her shoes on the desk
] Will Schuester
: I polished them myself. Emma Pillsbury
: [standing to leave
] Thank you.
: You know when we were talking about Madonna the other day and how her music was being blasted like an intimidating cluster bomb into everybody's office except for mine because, apparently, I lack a shred of sex appeal? Well, it struck me that the Big Mo is always in control of everything. Her life is her own. Will Schuester
: Okay. Emma Pillsbury
: So I need to take control of myself and my body, just like Madonna. Which is why... I'm planning on doing the nasty with you tonight at your place. Foreplay shall begin at 7:30 sharp. So, what do you think? Not that it matters. Will Schuester
: I couldn't agree more. Emma Pillsbury
: Great. Will Schuester
: Great. Emma Pillsbury
: 7:30. Will Schuester
: Cool. Emma Pillsbury
: Hey, guys. I'm sorry to interrupt your little sorority, but I couldn't help overhearing. Are you really having that much boy trouble? Quinn Fabray
: You wouldn't understand, Mr. Schue. You're a guy. Will Schuester
: Well, then maybe you should talk to someone else about it. Like Ms. Pillsbury. Rachel Berry
: I tried that.
[cut to Emma's office
] Emma Pillsbury
] Oh, um, that's a hot-button topic, isn't it? I mean, when to do that. This is the perfect chat to have with your mom. Rachel Berry
: I have two gay dads. Emma Pillsbury
: Right. Right. You, um... how about your rabbi? Rachel Berry
: I really don't feel comfortable talking about this with Rabbi Greenberg. Aren't you a guidance counselor? Emma Pillsbury
: [lost for words
[back to the choir room
] Quinn Fabray
: [as the dismissal bell rings
] The fact is that women still earn seventy cents to every dollar that a man does for doing the same job. That attitude starts in high school.
: I don't know what to say. I mean, I can't do this job if I don't have the kids' confidence. Will Schuester
: Now, I get that this area of interest is, uh, your blind spot, but I want to help you so that the next time a girl comes in here asking those kinds of questions, you'll be prepared.
[seeing her expression
] Will Schuester
: I... I'm not saying you need to have sex. Emma Pillsbury
: No. No, no, no. No, that's not what you were offering. Why would you offer that? It wasn't what I was thinking. Wishful thinking is all that was. Will Schuester
: I mean, what this is all really about is teenage girls feeling like they have no power. Emma Pillsbury
: Right, and it makes sense, too. I mean, look at their role models, you know? You've got Britney Spears and her shaved head. Lindsay Lohan looks like something out of "Lord of the Rings". Ann Coulter. Will Schuester
: Let's work together to try to find a way to make them feel more confident about themselves. Emma Pillsbury
: Yeah, I like that. Yes, we will change the world one girl at a time. We'll be like a girl-saving team. Will Schuester
: And maybe along the way, we can find a way to help you, too.
: [after stopping Kurt in the hall
] Kurt, I'm a girl who knows her solvents, and your breath smells like rubbing alcohol. Kurt Hummel
: [Watching Emma drunkenly
] Oh Bambi... I cried so hard when those hunters shot your mommy...
[Bends down and throws up on Emma's shoes
: Kurt? I know my solvents and your breath smells like rubbing alcohol... Kurt Hummel
: [Kurt is drunk
] Oh Bambi, I cried so hard when those hunters shot your mommy.
[suddenly throws up on Emma's feet
: Kurt? I'm a woman who knows her solvents and your breath smells like rubbing alcohol. Kurt Hummel
: Oh, Bambi. I cried so hard when those hunters shot your mommy.
: Kurt, I'm a girl who knows her solvents, and your breath smells like rubbing alcohol. Kurt Hummel
: Oh, Bambi, I cried so hard when those hunters shot your mommy.
: Hey, Em. Just trying to figure out the setlist for Saturday. Emma Pillsbury
: I just got back from the emergency room. Had them give me four decontamination showers. I think they call that "the full Silkwood". Will Schuester
: What happened? Emma Pillsbury
: Kurt was drunk and he ralphed on me. Not really fessing up to how he got the booze just yet, but I'm pretty sure it's not a fake ID, because he looks like an eleven year old milkmaid.
: Did you ever notice that Britney Spears only makes great music when she's not chasing down paparazzi? She can't just swallow a grenade and let her talent explode all over the walls. She's gotta reign it in. Just like you do. You're such a great teacher, Will. Now, probably the best in the whole school. So why would you wanna be someone else when that someone you already are is so amazing? Will Schuester
: Because the boring someone that I already am wasn't good enough for you.
: I know that Britney's had some issues in the past, but I actually think it's quite admirable the way she's gotten her life back together. I mean, hasn't she had what, like, three number one hits in the past two years? She's a single mom raising two kids. I think she's the perfect symbol for the possibility of rebirth. Will Schuester
: I can't... Emma Pillsbury
: See, that's your problem, Will. You're too uptight. Will Schuester
: Oh, you're calling me uptight? Emma Pillsbury
: Mm-hmm. Will Schuester
: The woman who buys hand sanitizer by the barrel?
Dr. Carl Howell
: Hey, now. Am I interrupting? Emma Pillsbury
: Carl, no. Hi. What are you doing here? Dr. Carl Howell
: I thought I'd surprise you and take you to lunch.
[seeing her expression
] Dr. Carl Howell
: Oh, I love that look of instant panic every time I try to change your routine. Adorable.
Dr. Carl Howell
: Will, you grind your teeth? Will Schuester
: I... I don't think so. Dr. Carl Howell
: [his phone buzzes
] Damn it. Emma Pillsbury
: What? What's wrong? Dr. Carl Howell
: Another teenager needs a root canal. I swear, not one student in this school is going to have their teeth by the time they're 30.
Dr. Carl Howell
: All right, so here's the deal. You chew this little capsule. Now, if there's any plaque you missed, the dye will stick to it and turn your teeth blue. Santana Lopez
: Can I just say that you are the hottest dentist I've ever seen? Dr. Carl Howell
: I get that all the time. Santana Lopez
: No, like, seriously. You can totally drill me whenever... Emma Pillsbury
] Santana. Okay, let's stay focused.
: If we had to rank crush-worthy teachers at this school, you'd be number one with a bullet.
: [trying to convey through song how inappropriate her feelings for him are
] So, Rachel, do you think you understood the message I was trying to get across with that ballad? Rachel Berry
: Yes. It means I'm very young and it's hard for you to stand close to me. Will Schuester
: [exasperated sigh
] Um, no. Um... Emma, would you mind helping me out here? Um, was that the message that you got? Emma Pillsbury
: [just as taken and doe-eyed as Rachel
] You're a very good performer.
: It's happening again. It always starts with a novelty gift. Emma Pillsbury
: I mean, you can't blame her, Will. I mean, if we were going to rank crush-worthy teachers at this school, you'd be number one with a bullet.
[as she realizes what she said, he turns and gives her a strange look
] Emma Pillsbury
: Uh... well, I... when did... when did this start with Rachel? Will Schuester
: We sang a duet in Glee Club. "Endless Love." Emma Pillsbury
: Okay, in hindsight, that was probably a mistake.
: I can't handle going through this again. Emma Pillsbury
: Sorry, going through, um... going through what again? Will Schuester
: Have I ever told you about... Suzy Pepper?
[Emma shakes her head; cut to Schue teaching in flashback
] Will Schuester
: So the alpacas start there and, uh, travel down towards Guadalajara along... Will Schuester
] Suzy Pepper wasn't the first schoolgirl crush, but she was the hardest. It happened about two years ago, before you were a teacher here. Suzy was... unique. Suzy Pepper
: [raising her hand in class
] Mr. Schue, how do you conjugate the verb... "to love"?
[cut to Suzy approaching his desk as the class leaves; she hands him a present, which is revealed to be a pair of socks with jalapenos on them
] Suzy Pepper
: Peppers. So you can wear them and think of me. Suzy Pepper. Will Schuester
] I thought it would burn out like the others, but it only got worse.
[another flashback; Will and Terri are in bed when his phone rings in the middle of the night
] Will Schuester
[no sound except for heavy breathing
] Terri Schuester
: Who is it? Who died? Will Schuester
: [the breathing continues
] Suzy Pepper? Suzy Pepper
: You knew it was me just by the sound of my breath. That's so romantic. Terri Schuester
: [taking the phone
] Listen, you little psycho, this is Will's wife. And if I don't get enough sleep, my antidepressants don't work, and then I'll go crazy and I'll kill you. Will Schuester
: Terri. Terri Schuester
: Stop calling.
] Terri Schuester
: Can't you handle anything, Will?
: [telling Emma of an old schoolgirl crush
] It was the world's hottest pepper. She had it shipped from Sinaloa, Mexico. Emma Pillsbury
: Oh, no. Oh, gosh, what happened? Will Schuester
: Well, the ambulance arrived just in time. The pepper burned holes in her esophagus, and she was in a medically induced coma for three days. That's why I can't just tell Rachel to back off. These girls are too fragile. Emma Pillsbury
: Wow. Okay. How about this? Why don't you take your own advice? Right? Do what you told the kid to do. If you're... if you're feeling awkward telling Rachel how you feel, then why don't you, um, you know, sing it to her? Let her down gently. And don't wear that tie.
: I get home last night, and it was like some ghost had laid out this beautiful, romantic meal for me. A ghost who wears your perfume. Emma Pillsbury
: I was just in the library.
[handing him an old Thunderclap
] Emma Pillsbury
: Page 42. Will Schuester
[opening the book, he sees a picture from his junior prom
] Will Schuester
: Oh, my... my junior prom.
[realization dawns on him
] Emma Pillsbury
: I wanted to surprise you on Wednesday. Terri came by, and, um, told me about the prom... about the song. Will Schuester
: Emma, I... I have no feelings about this night anymore. I... I didn't even remember the song. Emma Pillsbury
: No, I know. I know, not consciously. But somewhere inside, you're still not over her.
: We were naïve. I think sometimes we spend so much time with these kids that we start acting like them. You've been in the same relationship your entire life. You don't know who you are alone. I think this song is just the beginning of you repeating the same patterns. Will Schuester
: Terri and I met when I was fifteen. I'm a different person now. Emma Pillsbury
: How is you compromising yourself for my crazy any different than you doing it for hers? Will Schuester
: [thinking for a moment and letting it sink it
] Well... what do you want to do? Emma Pillsbury
: I think that... you need to spend some time alone. I do. I think you need to get to know yourself. You know, you haven't been okay with having your own needs since you were fifteen. Will Schuester
: You're right. I guess... I'm just not good at being alone, and realizing what my own needs are. Emma Pillsbury
: Well, maybe around the time that you figure out what they are, maybe I'll be ready to get a little messy. Can you go now? I think I need to close the door and cry.
: Beautiful table. Meticulous, really. I guess being crazy has its benefits. Emma Pillsbury
: It's date night. Actually, it was tomorrow, but Will wanted tonight, so I'm surprising him. And I know he keeps a key under the mat. Terri Schuester
: You're really loving this, aren't you? Emma Pillsbury
: I take no pleasure in your pain, Terri. But I am enjoying seeing Will get a second chance at happiness, yes. Terri Schuester
: Oh, and you're the one to introduce him to this magical new world of bliss? What, you with your three times a day showers and the fact that you can't sleep unless your shoes are all in a row? Emma Pillsbury
: Is there a reason that you're here? 'Cause I'd kind of like you to be gone when Will gets home. Terri Schuester
: I just needed to pick up the rest of my Bruckheimer DVDs.
[leaving and returning with "The Jazz Singer"
] Terri Schuester
: Whose is this? Emma Pillsbury
: That's mine. I got really tired of watching "Con Air" every night. And Will picked "Hello" as our song. Terri Schuester
: Oh, you poor girl. Don't bother sleeping with my husband tonight. You're already screwed. "Hello" was our prom song. I mean, I doubt Will remembers. He goes to the market for milk, comes home with a pack of gum. Emma Pillsbury
: You're lying. Terri Schuester
: Ask him. Or better yet, go to the library and look it up for yourself in that year's Thunderclap.
: [making out with Will, she suddenly stops
] Too much too fast. Too much too fast. Will Schuester
: No, you smell great, your teeth are clean... Emma Pillsbury
: You're very sweet. It's not that. I'm... I just haven't been, uh... intimate in a very, very long time. Will Schuester
: How long? Emma Pillsbury
: Ever. I just haven't found the right person. You know, someone who won't reject me when things get really hard with my, um... with my problems. Will Schuester
: It... it's cool. Emma Pillsbury
: It's not. It's not cool. I can tell. Will Schuester
: No. No, no. Emma, I understand. I'll pop in a movie. Emma Pillsbury
: Do we have to watch "Armageddon" again? Will Schuester
: Uh, it's that or "Bad Boys". They're the only DVDs that Terri left behind. She liked to have Bruckheimer night every other week.
: Excuse me. Will Schuester
: Oh, hey, Em. Can you just give us a sec? Emma Pillsbury
: Actually, no, Will, I can't give you a sec. You're just going to have to reschedule your heavy petting session with Mrs. Carlisle for a later time. Will Schuester
: Emma! Mrs. Carlisle
: I beg your pardon? I was just telling Mr. Schuester about how my husband recently died. Emma Pillsbury
: Wow. Getting them fresh off the rebound now, aren't you? Amazing. Nobody's safe. Nobody is safe. Will Schuester
: Emma, can I talk to you in private? Emma Pillsbury
: No, you can't, Will. We're gonna talk about this here and now, because I have absolutely nothing to hide. Actually, did you know I was seeing a therapist? Do you know that? Did you know I've been trying to work through my OCD so I could be with you? Will, do you think that's fun for me? It's not fun; it's absolutely humiliating. And come to find out you've been fooling around with some woman named Shelby, and you slept with April Rhodes. Will Schuester
: How did you find out about that? Emma Pillsbury
: You're not denying it. Wow, okay. See, I thought we were trying to work through this. I thought when you said you were trying to figure things out on your own, I thought you meant that. I'm not going to stand for this anymore. I'm not. I'm putting my foot down, and I am finally sticking up for myself. You're a slut, Will. You're a slut. You're a slut, you're a slut, you're a slut. Everybody should know that. And you should know that I'm through with you.
[empathetically to Mrs. Carlisle
] Emma Pillsbury
: I'm very sorry for your loss.
: I'm a little confused. Sue Sylvester
: I understand. You're probably wondering "What exactly does Sue Sylvester mean when she says 'I'm your new therapist'?". Well, let me explain. As you may or may not know, I star in a little music video that's been circulating around the Web. A video that has a tendency to induce cruel, slow-motion laughter. Emma Pillsbury
: No. No. Didn't... didn't know about that. Sue Sylvester
: Well, this video has inspired Sue Sylvester to start giving back. I happen to have my Masters in counseling, and when I heard that our school district's one and only psychologist had committed suicide, well, I decided to volunteer my services. And they gave me your name. I'd really like to help. Emma Pillsbury
: I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this. Sue Sylvester
: Ella, you're crippled by mental illness. Your compulsions have estranged you from your own feelings. You nearly married a gym teacher who's more gravy than man. And you're content to be repeatedly lied to by the man you purport to love. Emma Pillsbury
: I'm sorry? Sue Sylvester
: I bribed Will Schuester's landlord to slip baby monitors under his couch, and under his bed. Turns out he's been having make-out sessions with the coach from Vocal Adrenaline, and sleepovers with that world-class banana magnet April Rhodes.
: You need to make a bold move. You suck. Emma Pillsbury
: Excuse me? Sue Sylvester
: You take weird little strides when you walk, as if you were raised in imperial Japan and someone bound your feet. Emma Pillsbury
: You make a valid point. Sue Sylvester
: Grow a pair. I'm insulting you. You refuse to stand up for yourself, you're so afraid of confrontation. Emma Pillsbury
: You're right. Sue Sylvester
: If you want to get better, you need to start communicating your feelings. You need to let Will Schuester know how he's made you feel, and in a public setting, so he can't escape and he won't manipulate you. Trust me, you need to let him have it.
: We've got a problem. They're doing all of our numbers. The kids are completely freaking out. Artie keeps ramming himself into the wall and I think Jacob Ben Israel just wet himself.
: Where's Ken? Emma Pillsbury
: Um, home, I'd imagine, probably trying to regain some of the pride that I stole from him. He dumped me. Will Schuester
: What? Emma Pillsbury
: He said moving the wedding for sectionals was the last straw. Will Schuester
: But I thought he understood that... that you were doing this for the kids. Emma Pillsbury
: He understood that... I wasn't doing it for the kids. I was doing it for you. Will Schuester
: Emma... I'm so sorry. Emma Pillsbury
: No. Gosh, no, it's not your fault. I... I really messed up. He was absolutely right. I was settling for him. Really, one blink from you, Will, and I would have been out the door.
: You should be ashamed. Aren't you ashamed? You're educators. Actually, no, you know what? You're more than that. You take care of disadvantaged kids. And you're teaching them that the only way they can compete in this world is by cheating. I'm sorry, but what kind of message is that? Dalton Rumba
: I don't know what you're talking about. "Don't Stop Believin'" is the most downloaded song in the history of iTunes. I've only got one good ear and even I know that. Scarlet fever. Emma Pillsbury
: Right, and "Proud Mary"? In wheelchairs? Grace Hitchens
: Do you have any idea how much winning is going to mean to my girls? It's gonna be a life changer; make them feel like they're worth something again. Emma Pillsbury
: I'm... I'm sorry, do you... do you think that they're not going to know that something's up? The fact that you just magically came up with two brand-new numbers days before competition? Grace Hitchens
: They were great up there. That's all I know. Dalton Rumba
: I think what we have here is a case of deaf racism. Shame on you. Emma Pillsbury
: No, you know what the real shame is? Is that maybe if you believed in them just a little bit more, they would have been amazing up there. Without cheating.
: Oh, my gosh. Sue? Did someone finally punch you? Sue Sylvester
: Edie, William. You. Every year when the photos for the Thunderclap come around I always elect to have a little work done. This year I got myself a bit of an eye lift. And while they were in there, I told them to go ahead and yank out those tear ducts. Wasn't using 'em.
: It's my fault. If I hadn't slept on that mattress, we could've just returned them and moved on. Emma Pillsbury
: Hey, can I give you some advice? Will Schuester
: Please. Emma Pillsbury
: You need to give yourself a break.
] Emma Pillsbury
: You do. You... you'll figure out what to do with kids. You always do. But I think right now you really need to focus on your own life. You know, divorce is a really big deal. Will Schuester
: Who said anything about getting a divorce? Emma Pillsbury
: [realizing her gaffe
] Oh, god, I'm so sorry. I just assumed that that's... Will Schuester
: Is that what you would do? Emma Pillsbury
: Well, um... when I first heard about what Terri had done, oh, gosh, no, I thought there should be some sort of law. But then when I thought about it some more, thought about what I would've done if I'd felt you slipping away. Will Schuester
: You would never be that cruel. Emma Pillsbury
: No, her methods were wrong, but, um, I totally undertand her intentions. You're a lot to lose, Will.
: The worst part is that after all this time, they're still embarrassed to be in Glee Club. I mean, they still see themselves as losers. I just need to get one of them to step up and become co-captain. Emma Pillsbury
: Well, maybe you should let them use the captain they already elected. You know, sometimes things sound a lot different coming from a peer. Even if that peer is as annoying as Rachel.
: [leaving Principal Figgins' office
] It's so unfair. Will, your kids have worked so hard for this. Did you know he's already given you choir room to the Mock UN? Will Schuester
: A deal's a deal. We lost, Emma. Emma Pillsbury
: Because Sue cheated! She cheated, Will, and where do you think all that money's going? It's going right into her pockets! We just... we can't let her win this one! How can you just stand there and be so calm about this? How can you just give up so easily? Will Schuester
: I've tried, Emma, okay? It... It... it's over. Emma Pillsbury
: No. No, it's never over. I don't care what anybody says. Some things are worth fighting for. Will Schuester
: You mean like the kids? Emma Pillsbury
: Yes, of course. Will Schuester
: Anything else? Emma Pillsbury
: No. No. This is about the glee club. This is not about us. Will Schuester
: The hell it isn't. I love you, Emma. There, I finally said it. And you love me, and dentist or no, this thing isn't over between us.
[he kisses her
: [the club is depressed that Sue is one of the judges at regionals
] It took everything I had not to cry. It's like they've all walked a thousand miles just to get punched in the stomach. Emma Pillsbury
: What exactly are you looking for from me here? Will Schuester
: Some guidance. Emma Pillsbury
: Do you remember when you were going to quit teaching and become an accountant, and I showed you that video of yourself singing at nationals, and you said that that was the happiest moment of your life? Do you remember why? Will Schuester
: Because I loved what I was doing. Emma Pillsbury
: And isn't that what you've been drilling into their heads all year? That that feeling is way more important than winning or losing?
: I have to confess something. I'm the reason Sam got hurt. I asked for three things to happen: one, for us to win our first football game, two, to get to second base with Rachel, and three, to be the quarterback on the football team again. All those three things happened because I prayed for them to Grilled Cheesus. Emma Pillsbury
: [unsure what to say
] Okay. Where to start? Finn Hudson
: No, no, I know it sounds crazy, but it isn't. Jesus appeared to me on a sandwich, and it has special powers, I'm telling you. But I didn't mean for anybody to get hurt. Emma Pillsbury
: Okay. Okay, let's just... let's take a second. Okay? Um... look, first, you won the football game because you actually have a coach who spends the game watching the plays rather than biting his toenails. And God didn't let you touch Rachel's boobs. Rachel did. Finn Hudson
: Just the sides of them, but wait, why would she do that? Emma Pillsbury
: Well, what were you doing right before you were... touching them?
[seeing his expression
] Emma Pillsbury
: What? Finn Hudson
: I remember yawning. Right, 'cause we were talking about emotional stuff. Emma Pillsbury
: Oh, yes, well, there you go. That's it. Girls like that. She felt close to you, thus the inappropriate touching. Uh, more importantly, you didn't hurt Sam. It was a 300 pound left tackle who just got expelled because he's on steroids and he's 23. God works in all kinds of mysterious ways, but I'm pretty sure he doesn't spend a lot of time trying to speak to us through sandwiches. You look disappointed. Finn Hudson
: I am. It was sort of cool feeling like I had this direct line to God. Now I just feel like everybody else, you know, like we're all just floating around in space. I don't like that. Emma Pillsbury
: You're not alone. The big questions are really big for a reason: they're hard. But you know what? Absolutely everybody struggles with them.
: There is a boy in that Glee Club that might lose his father. How could you get in the way when the only thing anybody is trying to do is give that poor child just a little bit of comfort? What happened to you, Sue? Please tell me what horrible, horrible thing happened to you that made you such a miserable tyrant. Sue Sylvester
: Have a seat.
[Emma sits down
] Sue Sylvester
: Since I was a little girl, I've had exactly one hero. My big sister. You know how much I worshipped her? She was the sun and the moon to me. And while I was still very young, I noticed that other people didn't feel the way I did. People were rude to her. They were cruel. They laughed at her. And so I began to pray. I prayed every night for her to get better. And nothing changed. So I prayed harder. And after a while, I realized it wasn't that I wasn't praying hard enough; it's that no one was listening. Asking someone to believe in a fantasy, however comforting, isn't a moral thing to do. It's cruel. Emma Pillsbury
: Don't you think that's just a little bit arrogant? Sue Sylvester
: It's as arrogant as telling someone how to believe in God, and if they don't accept it, no matter how open-hearted or honest their dissent, they're going to hell. Well, that doesn't sound very Christian, does it? Emma Pillsbury
: Well, if that's what you believe, that's fine. But please keep it to yourself. Sue Sylvester
: So long as you do the same. That kid could lose his father at any moment. You should start preparing him for that. Now get the hell out of my office. I realize you're only half orangutan, but I'm still very allergic to your lustrous ginger mane.
: Can you please, please not tell Will about this? Holly Holliday
: No, of course not. My lips are sealed. Emma Pillsbury
: Thank you. Holly Holliday
: Just like your legs. Oh. Ha! Kidding! God, that was rude, why did I say that? See, a real doctor would never have said that.
: Celibacy, ladies... DIG IT!
: I think I can tell who wrapped that. Who's it for? Emma Pillsbury-Howell
: Oh, Sue. I drew her as my Secret Santa. Will Schuester
: Wait a minute. That's not possible. Sue's my Secret Santa. Shannon Beiste
: No, Sue's my Secret Santa. Sue Sylvester
: [in her office
] I'm everybody's Secret Santa. Yeah, you can just drop those wherever.
: You rigged Secret Santa? Shannon Beiste
: How? It was my idea. Sue Sylvester
: Well, you're not the only person at this school who consumes protein powder by the tubful. Remember when I told you I was taking all those science textbooks to an exorcist? Well, that's what we call a diversion. Emma Pillsbury-Howell
: You filled your tub with your name only. Sue Sylvester
: You're a regular Agatha Christie, except even more sexless. See, people, I hate Christmas, but I love presents. Ah, look at this. It's a track suit with a fur-lined hood for the winter months. Thanks, fella. Will Schuester
: That was Kurt's idea. Sue Sylvester
: [he moves to take it back
] Ah ah ah, William. These gifts are legally mine. Now, you may or may not be aware of this, but I'm an honorary officer of the Lima Police Department, and if you take my property out of my office, I will pick up that phone and have you arrested for theft. Will Schuester
: We are not going to let you steal Christmas, Sue. Emma Pillsbury-Howell
: You're not gonna get away with this. Sue Sylvester
: I think I already have.
: [hears Rachel throwing up
] Rachel, did you just throw up? Rachel Berry
] No. Emma Pillsbury
: You missed the toilet. Rachel Berry
: The girl who was throwing up before me left that. I tried, but I guess I just don't have a gag reflex. Emma Pillsbury
: One day when you're older, that'll turn out to be a gift.
: I've got to figure out some way to motivate them. Emma Pillsbury
: Okay, well, you, um, you could... oh, what about a sticker board? That's how my parents got me to do chores when I was a kid. Right, so I'd do a chore and then I'd get a star, and then... Sue Sylvester
: Oh, dear god, please, please... stop talking. I'm trying desperately to ignore the treacly sweet inanity of your asinine conversation, but now I've got bile in my mouth and I will hold my tongue no further. You know what this is?
[holding up her clipboard
] Sue Sylvester
: It's my list of Cheerios. Every week I pick someone at random and I kick 'em out. Will Schuester
: Yeah, well, in Glee Club, we do things a little bit differently. Sue Sylvester
: Oh, yeah, Will? How's that working out for you?
: What are you gonna do? Will Schuester
: Something I should have done a long time ago. If Sue wants to declare war in the arts... then general Schuester is about to launch a counter offensive. Emma Pillsbury
: So this is what being turned on feels like.
: Being a ginger has plagued me my entire life. People say that I smell like copper, can get sunburned indoors at night, and according to recent legend I have no soul.
: They say it takes more certainty than talent to be a star. Look at John Stamos.
: Do you know who that is? That's you, Will. That's you happier than I've ever seen you. Will Schuester
: That was the greatest moment of my life. Emma Pillsbury
: Why? Will Schuester
: Because I loved what I was doing. I knew before we were half-way through with it, I remember that we were gonna win. And being a part of that, in that moment, I knew who I was in the world. And the only time I felt that way since then was when Terrie told me I was gonna be a father. Will Schuester
: No, no. I need to provide for my family. Emma Pillsbury
: But provide what exactly? The understanding that money is the most important thing - or the idea that the only life worth living is one that you're really passionate about, Will?
: Are you sure you want to cancel the whole thing? Will Schuester
: I never should've tried to put it on in the first place. The reality is... I only did all this to get close to you. Emma Pillsbury
: I guess love can make you do some crazy things. You know? Will Schuester
: I'm sorry, Emma. And I promise to never abuse our feelings for each other again. I mean, let's face it. Carl's actually making you better. And if I really love you... I need to back off and accept the fact that, at least for now, being with him is the best thing for you.
: At what age are you allowed to look back on your life with nothing but regret. Is 32 too young?