Ron Swanson
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Quotes for
Ron Swanson (Character)
from "Parks and Recreation" (2009)

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"Parks and Recreation: Ron and Tammy (#2.8)" (2009)
Ron Swanson: I'm a simple man. I like pretty, dark-haired women and breakfast food. But this stock photo I bought at a framing store isn't real. Today I got the real thing. A naked Tammy made me breakfast this morning. I should have taken a picture of it.

Leslie Knope: I knew that you had two ex-wives named Tammy. So I was hoping that there was one that you got along with.
Ron Swanson: No. I hate them both.
[to camera]
Ron Swanson: On my death bed, my final wish is to have my ex-wives rushed to my side so I can use my dying breath to tell them both to go to Hell one last time. Would I get married again? Oh, absolutely. If you don't believe in love, what's the point of living?

Tammy Swanson: It's really good to see you, Ron.
Ron Swanson: You've aged horribly.
Tammy Swanson: You... son of a bitch.
Ron Swanson: That didn't take long.
Tammy Swanson: [shouting] Oh my God! What is your problem? Nothing's changed, has it? Who set the bed on fire?
Manager: [the diner manager walks over] Excuse me, folks.
[to manager]
Ron Swanson: We're fine, we're fine.
[Ron and Tammy sit at different booths apart from each other]

Ron Swanson: To exes.
[Raises glass in toast]
Ron Swanson: . May they always stay that way.
[Contemplates glass]
Ron Swanson: . Tammy is a mean person.
Leslie Knope: Come on, Ron. You can do better than that.
Ron Swanson: She's a grade-A bitch.
Leslie Knope: There you go.
Ron Swanson: Every time she laughs, an angel dies. Even telemarketers avoid her. Her birth was payback for the sins of man. But you know the worst thing about her?
Leslie Knope: She works for the library.

Leslie Knope: Does she
Leslie Knope: have any weaknesses?
Ron Swanson: No.
Leslie Knope: What do you mean, 'no'? Everybody has a weakness.
Ron Swanson: Not machines. I honestly believe she was programmed by someone in the future to come back and destroy all happiness.

"Parks and Recreation: Ron & Tammy: Part Two (#3.4)" (2011)
Ron Swanson: [Ron's girlfriend is moving away] I just taught her to whittle. She made me this tiny sharpened stick.

Wendy Haverford: I'm getting really old and I'm an only child. I just feel like the right thing to do is to move back home.
Ron Swanson: I'm sorry to see you go. I've really come to think of you as a companion.
Wendy Haverford: Hey, I don't suppose you'd wanna move to Canada?
Ron Swanson: [Spits out his coffee and laughs] Canada! No. I don't suppose I would.

Ron Swanson: [Leslie and Ben are visiting Ron and Tammy in jail] Leslie! Congratulate us!
Tammy Swanson: [Shows Leslie her ring] Ron's got one just like it on his penis.

Ron Swanson: Can you turn the radio off? This is our song.
Ben Wyatt: Your song is "Dancing on the Ceiling" by Lionel Richie?
[Turns to Ron]
Ben Wyatt: Oh! Wow, look at that. You shaved off part of your mustache. That' slovely.
Ron Swanson: I didn't shave it off. It rubbed off. From friction.

"Parks and Recreation: Soulmates (#3.10)" (2011)
Chris Traeger: Have you ever had a turkeyburger?
Ron Swanson: Is that a fried turkey leg wrapped inside a burger? Because if so, then yes. Delicious.

Ron Swanson: Challenge accepted. If I win, hamburgers stay on the menu.
Chris Traeger: And if I win, what do I get?
Ron Swanson: The rarest jewel of all: victory over me, Ron Swanson.

Ron Swanson: I'm not planning to buy anything here. I buy all my hamburgers at Food and Stuff, a place equidistant from my home and work. I'm here for the same reason people go to zoos.

Ron Swanson: I love Food and Stuff. It's where I buy all of my food. And most of my stuff.

"Parks and Recreation: The Master Plan (#2.23)" (2010)
Ron Swanson: What exactly will you be cutting and how much of it and can I watch you do it while eating Pork Cracklins?

Ron Swanson: What's a not gay way to ask him to go camping with me?

Ron Swanson: Leslie, what do we do when we get this angry?
Leslie Knope: We count backwards from 1,000 by sevens, and we think of warm brownies.
Ron Swanson: Go do that in your office.

"Parks and Recreation: London: Part 1 (#6.1)" (2013)
Ron Swanson: History began on July 4, 1776. Everything that happened before that was a mistake.

Ron Swanson: [Standing in front of Big Ben] Oh, look. A clock. We don't have those in America.
Ron Swanson: [Standing in front of the Tower of London] A tower? Try the Sears Tower, son.

Ron Swanson: Enjoy the fact that your overlords are a frail old woman and a tiny baby.

"Parks and Recreation: Pilot (#1.1)" (2009)
Ron Swanson: I don't want this parks department to build, any parks, because I don't believe in government. I think that all government is a waste of taxpayer money.

Ron Swanson: My dream is to have the parks system privatized and run entirely for profit, by corporations.

Ron Swanson: I don't want this parks department to build any parks, because I don't believe in government. I think that all government is a waste of taxpayer money.

"Parks and Recreation: Camping (#3.8)" (2011)
Elsa: Welcome to The Quiet Corn. I'm Elsa Clack. Breakfast is served between 5:30 and 6:15 AM.
April Ludgate: What if we sleep to a normal hour?
Elsa: Well, that would be very rude of you. May I take your breakfast order? We have hard-boiled eggs, homemade tamato slices with dry seed and leek jam and your choice of German muffin.
Ron Swanson: ...what the fuck is a German muffin?

Ron Swanson: All due respect Ms. Clack, stick a German muffin in it.

Ron Swanson: [sitting at the campfire with everyone] ... and when she looked in the back of her car, she saw that even though it was her own private property, she would be forced to take it in
Ron Swanson: for a state inspection!

"Parks and Recreation: Ron and Diane (#5.9)" (2012)
Ron Swanson: Recently, I made a chair. When I was finished, I thought it was a good chair. I submitted it to the Indiana fine woodworking association, who felt it merited consideration for an award. It's been a real whirlwind.

Leslie Knope: By Swanson standards, we're close. I know when your birthday is.
Ron Swanson: So does Baskin-Robbins.

Ron Swanson: If you'd like to visit Europe, I like you so much, I'd be willing to risk it.

"Parks and Recreation: The Bubble (#3.15)" (2011)
Ron Swanson: Everyone is miserable. Tom can only work if there's someone to impress, so stranding him in Freak Island isn't helping anyone. You made April everyone's assistant. You know who April hates? Everyone. And Jerry can only perform when no one is looking. Shine a spotlight on him and he shrinks faster than an Eskimo's scrotum.

Ron Swanson: Listen well, for I will not be saying this ever again: I have a compromise.

Donna Meagle: This isn't gonna work.
[Ron spins his chair away from Donna]
Donna Meagle: Okay, you did not just Swivel away while I was talking to you! This spaceship keyboard is driving me crazy! I'm down to one word a minute, and the word is "perflipisklup" because I can't fly spaceships!
Ron Swanson: Donna, you know as well as I do these city manager shakeups always peter out. You just have to wait.
Donna Meagle: Usually I'm with you. But this is Chris Traeger, the six million dollar man. He won't quit. So you need to Swivel your ass down to his office and have a word with him!

"Parks and Recreation: I'm Leslie Knope (#4.1)" (2011)
Ron Swanson: I'm Ron Swanson, and you're Leslie fuckin' Knope.

Ron Swanson: If you're gonna stay here, there are three rules you need to follow: One, no talk about Tammy One. Two, no talk about Ben. Three, no talk.
Leslie Knope: I didn't even ask you last night: What is going on with Tammy One?
Ron Swanson: You just violated rules number one and three. You lose your coffee privileges.
[Throws Leslie's coffee out of its cup]

"Parks and Recreation: Pawnee Zoo (#2.1)" (2009)
Ron Swanson: Okay, here's the situation:
Leslie Knope: Your parents went away on a week's vacation. They left the keys to the brand new Porsche. Would they mind? Umm, well, of course not.
[Tom begins beatboxing]
Leslie Knope: I'll just take it for a little spin and maybe show it off to a couple of friends. I'll just cruise it around the neighborhood. Well, maybe I shouldn't. Yeah, of course I should. Pay attention, here's the thick of the plot. I pulled up to the corner at the end of my block. That's when I saw this beautiful girlie girl walking. I picked up my car phone to perpetrate like I was talking.
[Picks up Jerry's phone, then hangs it up]
Leslie Knope: The sun roof was open, the music was high. And this girl's hand was steadily moving up my thigh. She had opened up three buttons on her shirt so far. I guess that's why I didn't notice that police car. I can't believe it, I just made a mistake. Well, parents are the same no matter time nor place. So to you all the kids all across the land. Take it from me, parents just don't understand.
[Donna and Jerry applaud]
Leslie Knope: Thank you, thank you. Just a little something I know. So what's up?
Ron Swanson: Uh, someone is on fire in Ramset Park. They need you to get down there right away.
Leslie Knope: Oh my God...

Jerry Gergich: Leslie, this guy from the Pawnee gay bar sent you a cake.
Leslie Knope: Pawnee has a gay bar?
Ron Swanson: Yeah, The Bulge.
[Jerry and Tom give Ron a strange look]
Ron Swanson: It's behind my house.

"Parks and Recreation: Jerry's Painting (#3.11)" (2011)
Ron Swanson: [to an artist standing next to a painting which is simply a blank white canvas] You forgot to paint a painting, son.

Ron Swanson: [welcoming patrons to an art show] OK, everyone: shut up! And look at me! Welcome to "Visions of Nature." This room has several paintings in it. Some are big, some are small. People did them and they're here now. I believe that after this is over, they'll be hung in government buildings. Why the government is involved in an art show is beyond me. I also think it's pointless for a human to paint scenes of nature when they could just go outside and stand in it. Anyway, please do not misinterpret the fact that I am talking right now as genuine interest in art and attempt to discuss it with me further. End of speech.

"Parks and Recreation: Flu Season 2 (#6.19)" (2014)
Ron Swanson: I don't drink alcohol from that portion of the color spectrum.

Ron Swanson: Maybe a drink will help. Put some alcohol in your mouth to block the words from coming out.

"Parks and Recreation: Hunting Trip (#2.10)" (2009)
Ron Swanson: You know Leslie, the Super Bowl is in a couple months, I usually watch it with my brothers. Maybe you can come by at halftime and shoot me in the head.

Ron Swanson: And just like that, the one thing I enjoyed about government is clubbed to death before my eyes.

"Parks and Recreation: Go Big or Go Home (#3.1)" (2011)
Ron Swanson: Crying is only okay in two places: funerals and the Grand Canyon.

Ron Swanson: Fishing is for sport only. Fish meat is practically a vegetable.

"Parks and Recreation: Woman of the Year (#2.17)" (2010)
Ron Swanson: I have the "Dorothy Every Time Smurf Girl Trophy for Excellence in Female Stuff".

Ron Swanson: Everything I do is the attitude of an award winner, because I've won an award.

"Parks and Recreation: 94 Meetings (#2.21)" (2010)
Ron Swanson: Ron Swanson: April was supposed to be the moat that kept the citizen barbarians away from Swanson castle. Instead she blew up the castle and stabbed me in the face.

Ron Swanson: April was supposed to be the moat that kept the citizen barbarians away from Swanson castle. Instead she blew up the castle and stabbed me in the face.

"Parks and Recreation: Eagleton (#3.12)" (2011)
Ron Swanson: [On the verge of tears] Leslie has a lot of qualities I find horrifying, but the worst one by far is how thoughtful she can be.

Ron Swanson: Birthdays were invented by Hallmark to sell cards.

"Parks and Recreation: Telethon (#2.22)" (2010)
Ron Swanson: [seeing Perd Hapley doing the worm on TV] What the fuck are you doing, Perd Hapley?

Ron Swanson: Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Don't teach a man how to fish and you feed yourself.
Ron Swanson: He's a grown man. Fishing isn't that hard.

"Parks and Recreation: London: Part 2 (#6.2)" (2013)
Ron Swanson: I thought you needed some air, even if that air is fouled by the stench of European socialism.

Ron Swanson: I'd invite you for a drink, but where would we find one here?
Leslie Knope: Are you kidding? This is London. There's a pub over there, there's a pub over there, and there's a pub between those two butcher shops.
Ron Swanson: Let's go to that one, but we'll be stopping by those two butcher shops first.

"Parks and Recreation: Pawnee Rangers (#4.4)" (2011)
Leslie Knope: Hey Ron, whose club do you think is better: yours or mine? The answer is mine. Say mine is better.
Ron Swanson: It's not a competition.
Leslie Knope: Oh, but it is! Your club made it a competition when they kept girls out.
Leslie Knope: [in Southern accent] Oh my stars, I'm just a little lady. My fragile constitution can not handle the fearsome outdoors.
Ron Swanson: I have no problem with strong women, Leslie.
Leslie Knope: [accent continues] Who's "Leslie"? My name is Annabelle van der Graaf, and... y'all... I just fall to pieces when the sun shines on my hair.

"Parks and Recreation: Operation Ann (#4.14)" (2012)
Ron Swanson: Thank you all for being here. Let's get started.
Leslie Knope: Wow. Great attitude, Ron.
Ron Swanson: Sorry, I was talking to these ribs.

"Parks and Recreation: The Banquet (#1.5)" (2009)
Ron Swanson: I enjoy government functions like I enjoy getting kicked in the nuggets with a steel-toed boot. But this hotel always serves bacon-wrapped shrimp. That's my number-one favorite food wrapped around my number-three favorite food. I'd go to a banquet in honor of those Somali pirates if they served bacon-wrapped shrimp.

"Parks and Recreation: Summer Catalog (#2.20)" (2010)
Leslie Knope: Why would anybody ever eat anything besides breakfast food?
Ron Swanson: People are idiots, Leslie.

"Parks and Recreation: Freddy Spaghetti (#2.24)" (2010)
Ron Swanson: I am an official member of a task force dedicated to slashing the city budget. Just saying that gave me a semi.

"Parks and Recreation: Sweetums (#2.15)" (2010)
Ron Swanson: Leslie needs to butt out. The whole point of this country is if you wanna eat garbage, balloon up to 600 pounds and die of a heart attack at 43, you can! You are free to do so! To me, that's beautiful.

"Parks and Recreation: Li'l Sebastian (#3.16)" (2011)
Ron Swanson: Hello, Leslie. How long have you been sleeping with Ben?

"Parks and Recreation: Harvest Festival (#3.7)" (2011)
Tom Haverford: It's your fault Lil Sebastian is missing.
Jerry Gergich: You were the one who was supposed to be watching him.
April Ludgate: Jerry, could you please shut up? I can't hear myself not talking to Andy.
Andy Dwyer: Ron, I don't know what I did wrong.
April Ludgate: Ron, tell him he's stupid.
Ron Swanson: OH, all of you shut up! Andy, April is mad because you said 'Awesome sauce' instead of 'I love you, too'. April, he loves you, so stop being a child. Tom, we all know that you lost Lil Sebastian. Jerry, you shouldn't have been burying your face into funnel cakes. Now all of you apologize.

"Parks and Recreation: Farmers Market (#6.12)" (2014)
Ron Swanson: You've fallen into a classic trap, Christopher: trying to fix a woman's problems instead of just listening to what they are!
Tom Haverford: Hey man, if Ann needs Tylenol, she can get it herself. What she needs from you is to just look her in the eyes, nod your head, and say those two magic words.
Donna Meagle: That sucks.
Chris Traeger: That sucks?
Tom Haverford: I've spent my entire life reading instructional books about relationships in order to trick women into liking me. When Ann tells you what's bothering her, don't try to fix it. Just say, "Damn, that sucks."

"Parks and Recreation: The Stakeout (#2.2)" (2009)
Ron Swanson: I have a hernia. I've had it for a while. And I've been ignoring it... successfully, but this morning, I made the mistake of sneezing.
[Flashback of Ron sneezing, then howling]
Ron Swanson: But as long as I sit still and don't move my head, or torso, I'm good. I got this.

"Parks and Recreation: Leslie and Ben (#5.14)" (2013)
Ron Swanson: People who buy things are suckers.

"Parks and Recreation: Ron & Jammy (#7.2)" (2015)
Ron Swanson: [Sniffs] She's near
Tammy 2: Hey, Ron
Ron Swanson: Tammy

"Parks and Recreation: Road Trip (#3.14)" (2011)
Lauren Burkiss: Well my report is due tomorrow.
Ron Swanson: What's it on?
Lauren Burkiss: Why government matters.
Ron Swanson: Really?
Ron Swanson: [to camera] It's never too early to learn the government is a greedy piglet that suckles on a taxpayer's teat until they have sore, chapped nipples... I'm going to need a different metaphor to give this 9 year old.
Ron Swanson: What's you name, ma'am?
Lauren Burkiss: Lauren Burkiss.
Ron Swanson: Lauren. My name is Ron Swanson, and I'm going to tell you everything you need to know about the miserable, screwed up world of local government.
Lauren Burkiss: You have mustard in your mustache.
Ron Swanson: Don't sass me, Burkiss. Let's get started. Life, liberty, and property. That's John Locke. This is your lunch.
[Dumps lunch onto table]
Ron Swanson: Now, you should be able to do whatever you want to with this, right? If you want to eat all of it, great. If you want to throw it away in the garbage, that's your prerogative. But here I come, the government,
[takes bite of sandwich]
Ron Swanson: and I get to take 40 percent of your lunch
[eats chips, drinks juice]
Ron Swanson: . And that, Lauren, is how taxes work.
Lauren Burkiss: That's not fair.
Ron Swanson: You're learning. Uh-oh! Capital gains tax!
[Takes another bite of sandwich]

"Parks and Recreation: The Set Up (#2.13)" (2010)
April Ludgate: Where are you going Jerry?
Jerry: I wanted to talk to Ron about the size of my desk.
April Ludgate: You have to make an appointment.
Jerry: How about now?
April Ludgate: He's not in right now.
Jerry: He's right there.
April Ludgate: I will let you know when he's available.
[Ron is in his office and raises his glass to April, who raises her glass back]
Ron Swanson: Attagirl.

"Parks and Recreation: Rock Show (#1.6)" (2009)
[at the show]
Ron Swanson: Hey, Mark! This is Beth, my ex-wife Tammy's better-looking sister.
Beth: [shakes Mark's hand] Nice to meet you.
Mark Brendanawicz: Nice to meet you. You guys are... together?
Ron Swanson: Yep. My ex-wife Tammy cheated on me, then we divorced, then last week I ran into her sister Beth here; turns out she hates Tammy too, so we started dating. It's like a fairy tale!
Beth: Yeah, Tammy stinks.

"Parks and Recreation: Gryzzlbox (#7.5)" (2015)
Ron Swanson: This is a flying robot I just shot out of the sky after it delivered a package to my house.
Leslie Knope: I thought you didn't like to pass judgment on...
Ron Swanson: The package was addressed to my son. Who is four years old. And does not own a Grizzl do-dad. Somehow the robots looked at Diane's computer and learned something about my child and then brought him a box of presents. So I destroyed the robot. No one is safe from these bastards. Tell me what to do, Leslie. I wanna help you take 'em down.

"Parks and Recreation: Citizen Knope (#4.10)" (2011)
Ann Perkins: Leslie wishes she could be here herself to give you these presents, but she's suspended. Oh, and also, she said they're not from her, they're from Santa Claus.
Andy Dwyer: Can I go first?
[to camera; shows his framed gold record]
Andy Dwyer: Mouserat: Certified gold! Over 100 copies sold in Pawnee! I need a picture of me holding this so I can frame it.
Donna Meagle: Personalized leopard-printed robe, pink feather cuffs, and on the back in rhinestones,
[turns around]
Donna Meagle: "You Can Get It!"
Tom Haverford: "I know you're sad you couldn't get tickets to the Watch the Throne tour, so I got you a watch and a tiny throne instead." And check it out, she even took out the dumb clock part and put this in:
[shows text that says... ]
Tom Haverford: "Baller Time!"
April Ludgate: [Holds up painting of her and the Black Eyed Peas' decapitated heads, with a shirtless Andy nearby] These are the Black Eyed Peas, and I finally killed them. It's a Christmas miracle.
Ron Swanson: Every year, I give Leslie the same present I give everyone: a crisp 20 dollar bill. And every year, she gets me something thoughtful and personal. It makes me furious. This year, she outdid herself.
[Presses a clicker that closes both of his office doors at once]
Ron Swanson: She had it installed over the weekend. It's so...
[starts crying]
Ron Swanson: it's so beautiful.

"Parks and Recreation: The Fight (#3.13)" (2011)
Ron Swanson: Is this everybody?
Donna Meagle: Ann took a cab, Tom's in the trunk, Jerry's on the roof. Alright, where to first?
Leslie Knope: Your mother's butt.
[Everybody but Donna drunkenly laughs]

"Parks and Recreation: Save JJ's (#7.6)" (2015)
Dennis Feinstein: I should also let you know you are all trespassing on private property.
[Looks skyward]
Dennis Feinstein: Release The Hounds.
Ron Swanson: What hounds?
Dennis Feinstein: The Hounds is an FDA rejected cologne I've been working on that makes everything smell like wet dog. Make it rain!

"Parks and Recreation: Flu Season (#3.2)" (2011)
Ron Swanson: I haven't had lunch since yesterday, so I'm going over to Callahan's.
Andy Dwyer: No, don't go there. They totally skimp on pickles. Let me go to Big Head Joe's for you. They have the most insane burritos.
Ron Swanson: I don't much go for ethnic food.
Andy Dwyer: Trust me. They have one that's called the Meat Tornado.
[Ron gives him an interested look]
Andy Dwyer: Literally killed a guy last year.
Ron Swanson: You had me at Meat Tornado.

"Parks and Recreation: Dave Returns (#4.15)" (2012)
Ron Swanson: I have a problem. This happens to be the studio where a local saxophone legend named Duke Silver records his albums.
April Ludgate: I've heard of him. I heard he makes mature women swoon when he plays.
Ron Swanson: From what I've heard about Duke, he's kind of a private guy. He doesn't want his nosy co-workers discussing his music with him, or knowing that he exists. So if you happen to see any memorabilia laying around, kindly, and discreetly, discard it.
April Ludgate: You got it, Duke.
Ron Swanson: Don't call me that.
April Ludgate: I dig your groovy tunes, man.

"Parks and Recreation: Ann and Chris (#6.13)" (2014)
Ron Swanson: There has never been a sadness that can't be cured by breakfast food.

"Parks and Recreation: Indianapolis (#3.6)" (2011)
Ron Swanson: Just give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Wait, wait. I'm worried what you just heard was, "Give me a lot of bacon and eggs." What I said was, "Give me all the bacon and eggs you have". Do you understand?

"Parks and Recreation: Win, Lose, or Draw (#4.22)" (2012)
Ron Swanson: Clear alcohol is for rich women on diets.

"Parks and Recreation: The Possum (#2.18)" (2010)
Ron Swanson: Good thing I've got a fire extinguisher, which I can assure you, is totally up to your precious code.
Mark Brendanawicz: Um, this says it should be recharged June of 1996.

"Parks and Recreation: Park Safety (#2.19)" (2010)
Leslie Knope: And finally, we are gonna kick off the children's concert series this weekend with a performance by Freddy Spaghetti.
April Ludgate: I thought Freddy Spaghetti OD'd.
Leslie Knope: No, that's Mr. Funnynoodle. And he didn't OD, his drummer shot him.
April Ludgate: Oh.
Leslie Knope: Where's Jerry, by the way? Why isn't he back? How long does it take to fill birdfeeders?
Donna Meagle: Maybe he fell into the toilet. Remember when he fell into the toilet?
April Ludgate: Oh, sorry you guys. Sorry I'm late, I got confused and took a shower after I got dressed because I'm Jerry.
Ron Swanson: [in confessional] David Myers, the Jewish guy who works at City Hall, once told me something: a schlemiel is the guy who spills soup at a fancy party. A schlimazel is the guy he spills it on. Jerry is both the schlemiel and the schlimazel of our office.