Sue Sylvester
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Quotes for
Sue Sylvester (Character)
from "Glee" (2009)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"Glee: Throwdown (#1.7)" (2009)
Sue Sylvester: [Picking out the minority glee kids] Santana! Wheels! Gay kid! Asian! Other Asian! Aretha! Shaft!

Sue Sylvester: I don't trust a man with curly hair. I can't help, but picturing birds laying sulfurous eggs in there and I find it disgusting.

Sue Sylvester: I wanna pit these kids against one another, am I clear? Quinn, update. Go.
Quinn Fabray: The minority students don't feel like they're being heard.
Sue Sylvester: Ah, a chink in the armor, huh? I am going to create an environment that it so toxic, no one will want to be a part of that club. Like the time I sold my house to a nice young couple, and I salted the earth in the backyard so that nothing living could grow there for a hundred years. You know why I did that? Because they tried to get me to pay their closing costs.

Sue Sylvester: Alright everybody listen up. When you hear your name called, cross over to my side of this black shiny thing
Will Schuester: That's called a piano, Sue
Sue Sylvester: Santana, Wheels, Gay Kid. Come on, move it! Asian, Other Asian, Aretha, and Shaft.

Sue Sylvester: Sometimes people ask me, "Sue, how come you're so sensitive to minorities?" Well, I'll tell you why. Because I know firsthand how hard it is to struggle as a minority in America today. I'm 1/16th Comanche Indian. In fact, I like minorities so much, I'm thinking of moving to California to become one.

Sue Sylvester: Your delusions of persecution are a telltale sign of early stage paranoid schizophrenia.

Sue Sylvester: Let me break this down for you, okay? I empower my Cheerios to be champions. Do they go onto college? I don't know, I don't care. Should they learn Spanish? Sure, if they wanna become dishwashers and gardeners. But if they want to be bankers and lawyers and captains of industry, the most important lesson they could possibly learn is how to do a round off.

Sue Sylvester: I'm about to vomit down your back.

Will Schuester: I will destroy you.
Sue Sylvester: I'm about to vomit down your back.

Sue Sylvester: Santana! Wheels! Gay Kid! Asian! Other Asian! Aretha! Shaft!

Sue Sylvester: I don't trust a man with curly hair. I can't help but picture little birds laying sulfurous eggs in there, and it disgusts me.

Sue Sylvester: Sometimes people ask me, "Sue, how come you're so sensitive to minorities?" Well, I'll tell you why: because I know firsthand how hard it is to struggle as a minority in America today. I'm 1/16th Comanche Indian. In fact, I like minorities so much, I'm thinking of moving to California to become one.

Sue Sylvester: I'm all about empowerment. I empower my Cheerios to live in a state of constant fear by creating an environment of irrational, random terror.

Sue Sylvester: I am about to vomit down your back!

Sue Sylvester: When you hear your name called, cross over to this side of this black shiny thing.
Will Schuester: That's called a piano, Sue.


"Glee: The Power of Madonna (#1.15)" (2010)
Sue Sylvester: [while putting together a Madonna-inspired Cheerios routine] Somewhere in the English countryside, in a stately manor home, Madonna is weeping!

Sue Sylvester: You think this is hard? I'm passing a gallstone as we speak! *That's* hard!

Sue Sylvester: ...and, Wow, I just lost my train of thought. You have so much margarine in your hair.
Will Schuester: OK. First, of all my kids are doing Madonna. She's public domain and there is nothing you can do about it. Secondly, enough with the hair jokes. Oh, by the way, how's the Florence Henderson look working for you? Oh, maybe you should try a new setting on your FLOwbee!
[walking away]
Will Schuester: Oh, snap!

Sue Sylvester: [Looks up sniffing] Oh, hey William. I thought I smelled cookies wafting from the ovens of the little elves who live in your hair.
Will Schuester: Wow Sue. I'm really impressed.
Sue Sylvester: Yeah well, Madonna is legend. I want my girls to learn all the lessons she has to offer. Strength. Independence. Nobody quite like the material girl to empower my Cheerios. Just like your hair dresser has empowered you to look absolutely ridiculous.
Will Schuester: [undaunted and smiling] I'll see you later Sue.

Sue Sylvester: And here's the truth. I mercilessly pick on Will Shuester's lustrous, wavy hair because I am jealous. There I said it.

Sue Sylvester: As Madonna once said, I'm tough, I'm ambitious and if that makes me a bitch, that's what I am. Pretty sure she stole that line from Sue Sylvester. No, really. I said it first.

Sue Sylvester: I'm off to notify the Ohio secretary of state that I will no longer be carrying photo ID... because people should know who I am.

Sue Sylvester: You wanted to see me?
Emma Pillsbury: Um. Yeah. Thank you for coming. Please sit down.
Sue Sylvester: No.
Emma Pillsbury: Okay. Um. I was just wondering why Madonna was playing everywhere except my office.
Sue Sylvester: Well it's simple, Arlene. You don't deserve the power of Madonna. You have none of her self confidence, her power over her body, or her sexual magnetism. Simply put, you have all the sensuality of one of those pandas down at the zoo who refuse to mate. I had your intercom disconnected.


"Glee: Hell-O (#1.14)" (2010)
Sue Sylvester: [to Santana and Brittany] Ladies, I misjudged you. You may be the two stupidest teens I've ever encountered. And that's saying something. I once taught a cheerleading seminar to a young Sarah Palin.

Sue Sylvester: Bringing down this club may be easier than I thought. I am engorged with venom and triumph.

Sue Sylvester: Anything else?
Brittany: Sometimes I forget my middle name.

Will Schuester: Okay look Sue. If you're back let's bury the hatchet.
Sue Sylvester: I won't be burying any hatchets William unless I happen to get a clear shot to your groin. You humiliated me.
Will Schuester: You did this to yourself Sue. All I did was enjoy watching it happen.
Sue Sylvester: Yeah, well enjoy this William. Now that I'm back and my position is secured I will not stop until you're fired and your little Glee Club is annihilated into oblivion.
Will Schuester: Bring it.
Sue Sylvester: Oh I will bring it, William. You know what else I'm gonna to bring? I'm gonna bring some Asian cookery to wipe your head with. Cause right now you've got enough product in your hair to season a wok.

Will Schuester: Let's bury the hatchet, Sue.
Sue Sylvester: No. I won't be burying any hatchet. Unless I get a clear shot to your groin!

Sue Sylvester: You may be two of the stupidest teens I've ever encountered - and that's saying something. I once taught a cheerleading seminar to Sarah Palin.

Sue Sylvester: [to Will] Oh, hey William... I thought I smelled cookies wafting from the ovens of the little elves who live in your hair.

[the Principle wakes up in bed after Sue spikes his drink]
Sue Sylvester: So here's what's gonna happen. As of right now, I am reinstated. Or I will tell your wife and the entire congregation of the Cornerstone Bible Way Church of our sexual congress. It's your choice.


"Glee: Pilot (#1.1)" (2009)
Sue Sylvester: [at cheerleading practice] You think this is hard? Try being waterboarded, *that's* hard!

Sue Sylvester: [at cheerleading practice] You think this is hard? I'm living with Hepatitis, *that's* hard!

Sue Sylvester: Your resentment... is delicious.

Sue Sylvester: [to Emma] Your resentment is delicious.

Sue Sylvester: I have a phoner in a couple of minutes; that's an interview on the telephone, with a major media outlet. I'll probably do it on my iPhone.

Sue Sylvester: High school is a caste system. Kids fall into certain slots. Your jocks and your popular kids up in the penthouse. The invisibles and the kids playing live-action out in the forest: bottom floor.
Will Schuester: And... where do the Glee kids lie?
Sue Sylvester: Subbasement.


"Glee: Sectionals (#1.13)" (2009)
Sue Sylvester: You are about to board the Sue Sylvester Express. Destination: Horror!

Principal Figgins: Sue, the directors both from the Jane Adams Academy and Haverbrook School for the Deaf have informed me you gave them the New Directions set list.
Sue Sylvester: You have no proof.
Principal Figgins: The set lists were on Cheerios letterhead.
Sue Sylvester: I didn't do it.
Principal Figgins: They say "From the Desk of Sue Sylvester'.
Sue Sylvester: Circumstantial evidence.
Principal Figgins: They're written in your handwriting.
Sue Sylvester: Forgeries.
Principal Figgins: Sue there is an orgy of evidence stacked against you!

Will Schuester: Sue! What kind of teacher are you?
Sue Sylvester: Hey buddy! I just came by to feed my Venus flytrap!

Sue Sylvester: Shuester! Well played, sir. I underestimated you. Alright, heres what happens now. Im gonna head on down to my condo in boca, brown up a bit, get myself into fighting shape - then Im gonna return to this school even more hellbent on your destruction. Get ready for the ride of your life, Will Shuester; you are about to board the Sue Sylvester express. Destination: HORROR!
Will Schuester: I look forward to it, Sue.
Sue Sylvester: You know, you just woke a sleeping giant. Prepare to be crushed!

Sue Sylvester: I think you will be adding revenge to the list of things you're not good at, including being married, running a high school glee club, and finding a hair style that doesn't make you look like a lesbian.


"Glee: Showmance (#1.2)" (2009)
Sue Sylvester: Lady justice wept tonight.

Sue Sylvester: I just blasted my hammies.
Will Schuester: Oh.
Sue Sylvester: Iron tablet? Keeps your strength up while you're menstruating.
Will Schuester: I don't menstruate.
Sue Sylvester: Yeah? Neither do I.

Sue Sylvester: Let me be the one to break the silence. That was the most offensive thing I've seen in twenty years of teaching. And that includes an elementary school production of "Hair."
Principal Figgins: We've received angry e-mails from a number of concerned parents, many of whom thought that their children were going to hear a Special Olympian speak about overcoming adversity.
Sue Sylvester: I... I really don't know what to say.
Sue Sylvester: Well, let me help you out then. My first thought was that your students should be put into foster care. But you're the one who should be punished. I demand your resignation from this school, as well as the disbanding of Glee Club.

Sue Sylvester: You know Q, when I first laid eyes on you, I was reminded of a young Sue Sylvester, though you don't have my bone structure.


"Glee: Vitamin D (#1.6)" (2009)
Sue Sylvester: We're dealing with children, they need to be terrified, it's like mothers milk to them - without it their bones won't grow properly

Sue Sylvester: I've never wanted kids... don't have the time, don't have the uterus

Sue Sylvester: Let me put it to you this way. If it's not a full blown affair, well it's certainly heading in that direction. You need a machete to cut through the haze of lust that surrounds them.
Terri Schuester: Oh God. What am I going to do?
Sue Sylvester: I think you should both pack up and move out of the district. Unless you want to lose your man to a mentally ill ginger pygmy with eyes like a bushbaby.

Sue Sylvester: [Writing in her journal] Dear Journal. Feeling listless again today. It began at dawn, when I tried to make a smoothie out of beef bones, breaking my juicer. And then at Cheerios practice, disaster! It was unmistakable. It was like spotting the first spark on the Hindenburg. A quiver! That quiver will lose us Nationals. And without a championship, I'll lose my endorsements. And without those endorsements, I won't be able to buy my hovercraft. Glee Club. Every time I try to destroy that clutch of scab-eating mouth-breathers, it only comes back stronger, like some sexually-ambiguous horror movie villain. Here I am, about to turn 30, and I've sacrificed everything, only to be shanghaied by the bi-curious machinations of a cabal of doughy, misshapen teens. Am I missing something, Journal? Is it me? Of course it's not me. It's Will Schuester! What is it about him, Journal? Is it the arrogant smirk? Is it the store-bought home perm? It's coming clear to me now. If I can't destroy the club, I will have to destroy the man.


"Glee: The New Rachel (#4.1)" (2012)
Sue Sylvester: Kitty is my new head bitch. Sue: She's like a young Quinn Fabray, except she's not pregnant, manic depressive, or in and out of a wheelchair.

Sue Sylvester: Porcelain, this is my daughter Robin. I've loved the name ever since I was a little girl. It recalls hope, and springtime, and my favorite dead Bee Gee.

Sue Sylvester: I need you to change Robin's diaper and then sing her a lullaby. Preferably something not yet butchered by the glee club. Good luck finding one.

Sue Sylvester: I'm actually very proud of you, twinkle tush. You're a real trailblazer. You know, it used to be that just straight ex-football players would lurk the halls of high schools after graduation. But you've proven that gay, ex-show choir champs can also be depressive sad sacks desperately clinging to the past.


"Glee: Funk (#1.21)" (2010)
Sue Sylvester: [after Will smashes her trophy] You know, for me, trophies are like herpes. You try to get rid of them, but they keep coming. You know why? Sue Sylvester has hourly flare-ups of burning, itchy, highly contagious talent.

Sue Sylvester: [journaling about having feelings for Will] True love always springs from true hate. I'll admit, in the past I've fantasized about waking up with Will's head on the pillow next to me, except now I picture it attached to the rest of his body.

Will Schuester: [defending Puck and Finn] It's a harmless prank.
Sue Sylvester: That's what they said about a young man in Chicago in 1871, who thought he'd play a harmless prank on a dairy cow of one Mrs. O'Leary. He successfully ignited its flatulence and the city burned, William. That young terrorist went on to become the first gay president of the United States, Abraham Lincoln.


"Glee: Wheels (#1.9)" (2009)
Will Schuester: McKinley needs ramps.
Sue Sylvester: No way. Those are what I call lazy-makers. They discourage our able-bodied students from getting their proper exercise by using the stairs!

Sue Sylvester: I'm about to projectile express myself all over your Hush Puppies.

Sue Sylvester: You think this is hard? Try auditioning for Baywatch and being told they're going in another direction. That was hard.


"Glee: Mash-Up (#1.8)" (2009)
Sue Sylvester: Schuester! I'll need to see that set list for Sectionals after all. I want it on my desk warm from the laminator at 5:00 P.M., and if it is one minute late, I will go to the animal shelter and get you a kitty cat. I will let you fall in love with that kitty cat. And then, on some dark, cold night I will steal away into your home and punch you in the face.

Sue Sylvester: I hear people say, "That's not how I define marriage". Well, to them I say, "Love knows no bounds." Why can't people marry dogs? I'm certainly not advocating intimacy with your pets. I, for one, think intimacy is no place in marriage. Walked in on my parents once, and it was like seeing two walruses wrestling. So, WOOF! on Prop 15, Ohio.

Sue Sylvester: I hear people say "that's not how I define marriage." Well to them I say "love knows no bounds." Why can't people marry dogs? I'm certainly not advocating intimacy with your pets, I for one think intimacy has no place in a marriage. Walked in on my parents once and it was like seeing two walruses wrestling. So woof, I'm pro-15-Ohio. And that's how Sue... C's it.


"Glee: Bad Reputation (#1.17)" (2010)
Sue Sylvester: [from having "Physical" video posted online] That video has received over a hundred and seventy thousand comments. I took the liberty of printing out a few
Principal Figgins: [reading comment] The man in this video looks like the champion cheerleading coach, Sue Sylvester.
Sue Sylvester: That was particularly hurtful.

Brenda Castle: Well, look who it is. I thought I smelled a laughing stock.
Sue Sylvester: Don't start with me Castle, or I will kick you square in the taco
Brenda Castle, Sue Sylvester: It's a date. That's just a typical night in the Castle condo.


"Glee: The Rhodes Not Taken (#1.5)" (2009)
Sue Sylvester: When Sandy said that he wanted to write himself in as Cleopatra, I was aroused, then furious.

Sue Sylvester: When I heard Sandy wanted to write himself into a scene as Queen Kleopatra... I was aroused... then furious.


Glee: Director's Cut Pilot Episode (2009) (TV)
Sue Sylvester: [at cheerleading practice] You think this is hard? Try being waterboarded, *that's* hard!

Sue Sylvester: [at cheerleading practice] You think this is hard? I'm living with Hepatitis, *that's* hard!


"Glee: Britney 2.0 (#4.2)" (2012)
Sue Sylvester: [to Brittany] I hold in my hand the most recent algebra test of one Becky Jackson. Our plucky little Ewok waddled her way to a respectable C plus. Your performance on the very same exam unearthed the hitherto undiscovered grade: F minus.You answered every question with 'See Other Side,' where you composed an elaborate crayon-scape entitled Happyville: The Town Where Math Was Never Invented.

Sue Sylvester: My girls no longer see academic achievement as a worthy goal and yesterday I caught one of them trying to marry a squirrel.
Brittany Pierce: That's because I believe in marriage equality for all land mammals.


"Glee: Preggers (#1.4)" (2009)
Sue Sylvester: Oh, I just thought I'd stop and say hello, buddy... Boy, the only thing missing from this place is a couple dozen bodies limed and rotting in shallow graves under the floorboards.

Sue Sylvester: I'll often yell at homeless people "Hey, hows that homelessness working out for you?" Give *not* homeless a try!


"Glee: Acafellas (#1.3)" (2009)
Sue Sylvester: This is what we call a total disaster ladies. I'm going to ask you to smell your armpits. That's the smell of failure and it's stinking up my office. I'm revoking your tanning privileges for the rest of the semester.

Sue Sylvester: Let me get this straight. The glee club got rid of Dakota Stanley, Mr Schuester's back and they're busy at work on a new number more confident than ever.
[Cut to scene of Glee Club rehearsing]
Sue Sylvester: This is what we call a total disaster ladies. I'm going to have to ask you to smell your armpits.
Quinn Fabray, Santana Lopez: [They look uncertainly at each other and then smell their armpits]
Sue Sylvester: That's the smell of failure, and it's stinking up my office. I'm revoking your tanning privileges for the rest of the semester.
[Santana runs out in tears]


"Glee: Laryngitis (#1.18)" (2010)
Sue Sylvester: [to Kurt] So you like show tunes. It doesn't mean you're gay. It means you're awful.

Sue Sylvester: You know, there's only one person in the world who can tell you what you are.
Kurt Hummel: [smiling] Me.
Sue Sylvester: No. Me. Sue Sylvester. And she hasn't quite made up her mind about you.


"Glee: Mattress (#1.12)" (2009)
Principal Figgins: Schue, I'm afraid Sue is right. You have indeed "stepped in it".
Will Schuester: I didn't even know that this was going on.
Sue Sylvester: Well of course you didn't Will. You wouldn't even know if your Glee Club was using your office to breed rabbit for pets or for food. You know why? You're too busy chasing tail and loading your hair was enormous amounts of product. I mean today it just looks like you put lard in it.

Emma Pillsbury: Oh, my gosh. Sue? Did someone finally punch you?
Sue Sylvester: Edie, William. You. Every year when the photos for the Thunderclap come around I always elect to have a little work done. This year I got myself a bit of an eye lift. And while they were in there, I told them to go ahead and yank out those tear ducts. Wasn't using 'em.


"Glee: Pot O' Gold (#3.4)" (2011)
Sue Sylvester: I heard. And I am literally horny with fear.


"Glee: Comeback (#2.13)" (2011)
Sue Sylvester: [after Sam is finished singing] We gotta get that girl on the cheerios.


"Glee: Hairography (#1.11)" (2009)
Sue Sylvester: I'll need to see the set list for sectionals, after all. I want them on my desk warm from the laminator at 5pm. If it is one minute late, I will go to the animal shelter and get you a kitty cat. I will let you fall in love with that kitty cat. And then on some dark cold night I will steal away into your home and punch you in the face.


"Glee: Journey to Regionals (#1.22)" (2010)
Sue Sylvester: I'm having a really difficult time hearing anything you have to say today because your hair looks like a brier patch. I keep expecting racist animated Disney characters to pop up and start singing songs about living on the bayou!


"Glee: The Quarterback (#5.3)" (2013)
Sue Sylvester: If students wish to mourn Finn's passing, they're free to visit the memorial that I erected. I planted a tree in the exact location where I caught Finn and Quinn Fabray fondling each other's breasts.
Will Schuester: Come on Sue.
Shannon Beiste: How can you even joke at a time like this?
Sue Sylvester: Ah take it easy post-op Michael Chiklis, I'm grieving. And I grieve by insulting those who mean the most to me. It's just a coincidence that's also what I do when I'm not grieving.


"Glee: Britney/Brittany (#2.2)" (2010)
Sue Sylvester: You know, William, that's what one Hubert Humphrey said back in 1968 at the start of the Democratic National Convention. But then hippies put acid in everyone's bourbon, and when an updraft revealed Lady Bird Johnson's tramp stamp, and tattoos above her ovaries, Mayor Richard J. Daley became so incensed with sexual rage that he punched his own wife in the face, and spent the next hour screaming 'sex party' into the microphones of all three major networks.
Will Schuester: Okay, I'm pretty sure none of that happened.
Sue Sylvester: You can expect a call very soon from my lawyer, Gloria Allred. I'm gonna sue the pants off you, Will. I'm gonna take your house, your car, your extensive collection of vests. I mean, seriously, you wear more vests than the cast of Blossom. I'll see you in court.


"Glee: The Rocky Horror Glee Show (#2.5)" (2010)
Sue Sylvester: Becky, that is the best Halloween costume I've ever seen.
Becky Jackson: [Dressed up as Sue] Thanks, Coach.
Sue Sylvester: There's only one thing missing.
[hands Becky a megaphone]
Sue Sylvester: Go scream at some fatties.


"Glee: Audition (#2.1)" (2010)
Will Schuester: [in Sue's office] Wait... Are you serious? Finn?
Sue Sylvester: My eyes are still burning.
Finn Hudson: [in the gym] I'm Finn Hudson and I'd like to audition for the Cheerios.


"Glee: Dream On (#1.19)" (2010)
Sue Sylvester: [to Will and Bryan] I came over here to congratulate you on your new role. Local director Herb Duncan does the dry clean for the cheerios, and he let slip that you just landed the lead role in Les Mis!
[Will looks overwhelmed, and Bryan lets go of his smile]
Sue Sylvester: Congratulations. I'm ecstatic! And the good news just keep coming, because you got a part too, Bryan. The exciting role of Townsperson. You got a line too. Right back here in the second act, you get to say... 'Hooray!' Congratulations to both of you, I can't wait for opening night!


"Glee: Movin' Out (#5.6)" (2013)
Becky Jackson: I don't want to hurt your feelings coach.
Sue Sylvester: Why? I don't have feelings, Becky.


"Glee: A Night of Neglect (#2.17)" (2011)
Sue Sylvester: Sandy, how is it that you manage to sneak into this school without setting off all of the fire alarms?


"Glee: Home (#1.16)" (2010)
Sue Sylvester: Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to put in a call to the Ohio Secretary of State notifying them I will no longer be carrying photo I.D. You know why? People should know who I am.