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: I just blasted my hammies. Will Schuester
: Oh. Sue Sylvester
: Iron tablet? Keeps your strength up while you're menstruating. Will Schuester
: I don't menstruate. Sue Sylvester
: Yeah? Neither do I.
: [During a song rehearsal, Rachel Berry kicks and nearly hits Mercedes in the face
] Whoa, whoa. Hell to the nah! First of all, you try to bust my face again and I will cut you. And also, this song is terrible. Will Schuester
: Okay, no, no. It's not the song, you guys just need to get into it. Kurt Hummel
: No, it's the song. It's really gay.
: [voice over
] My father always said you become a man when you buy your first house. I'm not sure what he meant by that since he burned ours down once after a drunken fight with mom. Peggy
: Welcome to your little slice of the American dream. Terri Schuester
: I have a question about the trees. It's always been my personal dream to cut down my own Christmas tree. How many Christmas trees will we have in the backyard? And do they come in different colours because... well obviously we're starting a family and I have a real sense that it's going to be a girl.
: This banister was made by Ecuadorian children.
[Terri Schuester gasps in delight
] Will Schuester
: It's great Terri but there are nine foreclosures on our street. Why can't we just buy one of those? They are half the price. Terri Schuester
: I'm not raising our baby in a used house. They're not clean!
: Come with me, I'm going to show you something really special.
[Terri leads him to a child's room done entirely in pink
] Terri Schuester
: This is where our daughter or our gay son will sleep. I thought maybe we could put one of those mini pianos in here and you two could put on mini shows for me. Will Schuester
: I love it Terri but we still can't afford everything. Terri Schuester
: It's my very own Sophie's Choice.
: Everybody loves disco!
: My father always said you'd become a man when you bought your first house. I'm not sure what he meant though because he burned ours down during a drunken fight with mom.
: Do you know who that is? That's you, Will. That's you happier than I've ever seen you. Will Schuester
: That was the greatest moment of my life. Emma Pillsbury
: Why? Will Schuester
: Because I loved what I was doing. I knew before we were half-way through with it, I remember that we were gonna win. And being a part of that, in that moment, I knew who I was in the world. And the only time I felt that way since then was when Terrie told me I was gonna be a father. Will Schuester
: No, no. I need to provide for my family. Emma Pillsbury
: But provide what exactly? The understanding that money is the most important thing - or the idea that the only life worth living is one that you're really passionate about, Will?
] Will Schuester
: From the top.
: I had to make a deal with Figgins so he wouldn't kill Glee Club. Terri Schuester
: But Will, I'm on my feet four hours a day, three times a week here. Now I have to go home and cook dinner for myself?
: [Rachel's sulking in the stands of the football field
] You changed out of your costume. Rachel Berry
: I'm tired of being laughed at. Will Schuester
: You're the best kid in there, Rachel. It comes with a price. Rachel Berry
: Look, I know I'm just a sophomore, but I can feel the clock ticking away and I don't want to leave high school with nothing to show for it. Will Schuester
: You get great grades. You're a fantastic singer. Rachel Berry
: Everybody hates me. Will Schuester
: You think glee club is going to change that? Rachel Berry
: Being great at something is going to change it. Being part of something special makes you special, right?
: High school is a caste system. Kids fall into certain slots. Your jocks and your popular kids up in the penthouse. The invisibles and the kids playing live-action out in the forest: bottom floor. Will Schuester
: And... where do the Glee kids lie? Sue Sylvester
: Do you want to tell me how long you've had a drug problem? Finn Hudson
: I don't even know who the Chronic Lady is. Will Schuester
: Look, if it were up to me we wouldn't have mandatory bi-weekly locker checks. Finn Hudson
: I've never seen that before Mr. Shue, I swear that's not mine, I'll pee in a cup; I'll pee... Will Schuester
: I don't think it'll make any difference...
[Will writes the name 'Madonna' on the white board
] Will Schuester
: What comes to mind when you see that name? Rachel Berry
: Genius. Kurt Hummel
: Icon. Noah 'Puck' Puckerman
: Hall of fame MILF.
: Guys, you know, it's come to my attention that many of you haven't been treating the young ladies of our group very nicely lately. You're disrespectful, bullying, sexist, and, I hate to say it, misogynistic. Finn Hudson
: I have no idea what that means. Brittany
: When I pulled my hamstring, I went to a "misogynist"
: ...and, Wow, I just lost my train of thought. You have so much margarine in your hair. Will Schuester
: OK. First, of all my kids are doing Madonna. She's public domain and there is nothing you can do about it. Secondly, enough with the hair jokes. Oh, by the way, how's the Florence Henderson look working for you? Oh, maybe you should try a new setting on your FLOwbee!
] Will Schuester
: Oh, snap!
: [Looks up sniffing
] Oh, hey William. I thought I smelled cookies wafting from the ovens of the little elves who live in your hair. Will Schuester
: Wow Sue. I'm really impressed. Sue Sylvester
: Yeah well, Madonna is legend. I want my girls to learn all the lessons she has to offer. Strength. Independence. Nobody quite like the material girl to empower my Cheerios. Just like your hair dresser has empowered you to look absolutely ridiculous. Will Schuester
: [undaunted and smiling
] I'll see you later Sue.
: Alright everybody listen up. When you hear your name called, cross over to my side of this black shiny thing Will Schuester
: That's called a piano, Sue Sue Sylvester
: Santana, Wheels, Gay Kid. Come on, move it! Asian, Other Asian, Aretha, and Shaft.
: I will destroy you. Sue Sylvester
: I'm about to vomit down your back.
: [on why he flunked several of Sue's Cheerios, thus making them academically ineligible for the squad
] I have a Spanish quiz in which one of your cheerleaders misspelled her name, and answered every question with a drawing of a sombrero!
: When you hear your name called, cross over to this side of this black shiny thing. Will Schuester
: That's called a piano, Sue.
: When you answer the phone, what do you say? Mercedes Jones
: What up? Artie Abrams
: Who this be? Kurt Hummel
: No, she's dead. This is her son.
: What do you say when you pick up the phone? Mercedes Jones
: What up? Artie Abrams
: What goes on? Kurt Hummel
: No, She's dead this is her son.
: Okay look Sue. If you're back let's bury the hatchet. Sue Sylvester
: I won't be burying any hatchets William unless I happen to get a clear shot to your groin. You humiliated me. Will Schuester
: You did this to yourself Sue. All I did was enjoy watching it happen. Sue Sylvester
: Yeah, well enjoy this William. Now that I'm back and my position is secured I will not stop until you're fired and your little Glee Club is annihilated into oblivion. Will Schuester
: Bring it. Sue Sylvester
: Oh I will bring it, William. You know what else I'm gonna to bring? I'm gonna bring some Asian cookery to wipe your head with. Cause right now you've got enough product in your hair to season a wok.
: Let's bury the hatchet, Sue. Sue Sylvester
: No. I won't be burying any hatchet. Unless I get a clear shot to your groin!
: [defending Puck and Finn
] It's a harmless prank. Sue Sylvester
: That's what they said about a young man in Chicago in 1871, who thought he'd play a harmless prank on a dairy cow of one Mrs. O'Leary. He successfully ignited its flatulence and the city burned, William. That young terrorist went on to become the first gay president of the United States, Abraham Lincoln.
: Okay, a few of my kids may have toilet papered your choir room, but these two slashed the tires on all 26 of my students' Range Rovers. Those were gifts! Will Schuester
: Look, Puck and Finn made a mistake and - wait, you *gave* each one of your kids Range Rovers? Shelby Corcoran
: They were presents for making it to Nationals last year. We have a very generous booster club.
: If we lose to Vocal Adrenaline at regionals, none of us are gonna regret it. We will have given it our best shot and we won't look back. But we will regret letting them get the best of us before the competition, which is why we need to hit them back just like they hit us. Quinn Fabray
: So you want us to T.P their choir room? Will Schuester
: Whatever the better, cooler version of that is, like, uh- maybe-maybe we should steal their school statue. Kurt Hummel
: Their school statue is a giant, bronze of a great white shark eating a seal pup. It weighs three tons.
: I don't know if you guys really understand how much harder Artie has to work to keep up. Artie Abrams
: McKinley needs ramps. Sue Sylvester
: No way. Those are what I call lazy-makers. They discourage our able-bodied students from getting their proper exercise by using the stairs!
: You guys are best friends, why are you fighting? Noah 'Puck' Puckerman
: I'm just really stressed about the bake sale.
: [after hearing Sugar sing
] Holy sh... ugar!
: What are you gonna do? Will Schuester
: Something I should have done a long time ago. If Sue wants to declare war in the arts... then general Schuester is about to launch a counter offensive. Emma Pillsbury
: So this is what being turned on feels like.
: Candidate Sylvester... I think you could use a little showbiz sparkle. Every tiny grain of this glitter represents the kid whose dreams won't come true if you get elected in End School Arts Programmes. John F. Kennedy once said that arts are the roots of our culture! The arts enricher lives, and helps kids achieve in all walks of life. Sue Sylvester... You just got glitterbombed!
] Will Schuester
: Did you get that?
: You know, William, that's what one Hubert Humphrey said back in 1968 at the start of the Democratic National Convention. But then hippies put acid in everyone's bourbon, and when an updraft revealed Lady Bird Johnson's tramp stamp, and tattoos above her ovaries, Mayor Richard J. Daley became so incensed with sexual rage that he punched his own wife in the face, and spent the next hour screaming 'sex party' into the microphones of all three major networks. Will Schuester
: Okay, I'm pretty sure none of that happened. Sue Sylvester
: You can expect a call very soon from my lawyer, Gloria Allred. I'm gonna sue the pants off you, Will. I'm gonna take your house, your car, your extensive collection of vests. I mean, seriously, you wear more vests than the cast of Blossom. I'll see you in court.
: Who can tell me about Christopher Cross? Brittany Pierce
: He discovered America.
: Did you ever notice that Britney Spears only makes great music when she's not chasing down paparazzi? She can't just swallow a grenade and let her talent explode all over the walls. She's gotta reign it in. Just like you do. You're such a great teacher, Will. Now, probably the best in the whole school. So why would you wanna be someone else when that someone you already are is so amazing? Will Schuester
: Because the boring someone that I already am wasn't good enough for you.
: So, every day after choir practice, I am instituting a mandatory booty camp. So we can work on our dancing. Now, it's not for all of you, just the people that I think need help. Like... Finn Hudson
: Finn. Will Schuester
: How did you know?
: Miss Fabray! Wait. You know, there's only one person in this world that you care about. And that's yourself. Quinn Fabray
: You have no idea... Will Schuester
: [hammers his hand at the table
] I'M NOT FINISHED! Becky Jackson
: Woah, woah, woah. Will Schuester
: You're not a little girl anymore, Quinn. How long are you planning on playing the victim card? Since day one, you've done nothing but sabotage the same Glee club that's been there for you over and over again! When you got pregnant, when your parents kicked you out... You know, Mercedes even let you live in her house! And I don't recall ever hearing so much as a 'thank you'. Tonight, you're a train wreck. Well, congratulations. But you stride into my office and tell me it's MY fault? Well, then I have something to say to you... Grow up.
: [to Mr. Pillsbury
] Did you know that you are extremely racist? Rusty Pillsbury
: Not quite.
: It's not about doing your best anymore. It's about doing better.
: Guys, I'd like to introduce you to someone very special. This is April Rhodes. She's our newest member. Finn Hudson
: Wait, so old people can join Glee Club now? April Rhodes
: Old, huh? You guys look like the world's worst Benetton ad.
: So, did I sleep with you? Will Schuester
: [taken aback
] Um... I was a freshman when you were a senior. April Rhodes
: ...So, did I sleep with you?
: Sue! What kind of teacher are you? Sue Sylvester
: Hey buddy! I just came by to feed my Venus flytrap!
: Shuester! Well played, sir. I underestimated you. Alright, heres what happens now. Im gonna head on down to my condo in boca, brown up a bit, get myself into fighting shape - then Im gonna return to this school even more hellbent on your destruction. Get ready for the ride of your life, Will Shuester; you are about to board the Sue Sylvester express. Destination: HORROR! Will Schuester
: I look forward to it, Sue. Sue Sylvester
: You know, you just woke a sleeping giant. Prepare to be crushed!
: I think your accent is throwing me off. Where you from? David Martinez
: ¿Quién es más macho de Will Schuester? Subtitles
: Who is more macho of/from Will Schuester?
: Artie, you okay? Artie Abrams
: My life is over. How am I supposed to support a baby? How could you not tell me about this? Will Schuester
: Wait. Brittany, are you pregnant? Brittany Pierce
: Definitely. I am so sorry, Artie. I didnt't want to upset you. I thought I could surprise you when it dropped him off. I'm pretty sure it's a boy. Noah 'Puck' Puckerman
: Umm. Babies don't get dropped off. Will Schuester
: Wait. Brittany have you been to a doctor yet? That's the only way to be sure. Brittany Pierce
: I don't need to go to a doctor. I just need to look outside my window. Three days ago, a stork built its nest on top of my garage. I'm not stupid. It's obviously getting ready to bring me my baby. I know where babies come from.
: We have regionals in a week, and I just wanna make sure that all the dances are what I like to call 'Finnproof'.
Jacob Ben Israel
: Will Schuester, how do you respond to a recent post on my blog saying your Glee Club song selections sound like they come from a drag queen's iPod. Will Schuester
: Well, I try to do something for everybody. 25 % showtunes, 25 % hip hop, 25 % classic rock... Jacob Ben Israel
: And 100 % gay.
: [in Sue's office
] Wait... Are you serious? Finn? Sue Sylvester
: My eyes are still burning. Finn Hudson
: [in the gym
] I'm Finn Hudson and I'd like to audition for the Cheerios.
: [while singing Endless Love with Rachel
] I don't like the way she's looking at me. Ah! I shouldn't have sung this song to her! Crap! She looks crazy right now.
: [turns to address club
] Who know what a ballad is? Brittany
: It's a male duck.
: [Drunk dialing Emma
] Hey there sexy lady. There's something I really, really want to say to you. I love how you eat your lunch with your little plastic gloves and they crinkle and make the cutest sound I've ever heard in my life. Why don't you pick up some wine coolers and come over here and it'll be just one night of let's just get crazy, just get crazy ,getting' really crazy, rollin' round in the hay. Hay... I was just in some hay earlier tonight and hey, I rode a bull. I was thinking of you.
: Just listen to Key-Dollar Sign-Ha! Will Schuester
: You mean Ke$ha?
: [to Terri
] Every time I light a fire in my life, you find a way to make sure it burns the forest down.
: [watching the other Glee club
] Oh, man. This is trouble. Will Schuester
: Big trouble.
: Who can tell me what an Anthem is? Brittany Pierce
: It's the bottom of an Ant's pants. Will Schuester
: So close. So close.
: Let me guess. Finn and Rachel are going to do a ballad, right? Followed by the kids joining in with a classic rock number where Mercedes will belt out the last jaw-dropping note. Will Schuester
: Have you been going through my desk? Emma Pillsbury
: It's what you always do.
: What's your favorite songs of all time? Brittany Pierce
: "My Headband".
: What's the point, Mr. Shue? Coach Sylvester's one of the judges, she's gonna crush us. Will Schuester
: Artie, you don't know that. Santana Lopez
: Yes, we do, she told us at Cherrio's practice. Brittany
: Yeah, she said "I'm going to crush Glee Club."
: [after Finn and Mike finish their song and dance number
] All right, Finn! Perfect! See, guys, someone who's not afraid to point out something they're really bad at. Finn Hudson
: But I'm getting better, right?
[Will doesn't answer, neither does the other members
: If students wish to mourn Finn's passing, they're free to visit the memorial that I erected. I planted a tree in the exact location where I caught Finn and Quinn Fabray fondling each other's breasts. Will Schuester
: Come on Sue. Shannon Beiste
: How can you even joke at a time like this? Sue Sylvester
: Ah take it easy post-op Michael Chiklis, I'm grieving. And I grieve by insulting those who mean the most to me. It's just a coincidence that's also what I do when I'm not grieving.
: You're a substitute. Of course you can let the kids do whatever they want. You never have to deal with the hangover of all that fun. Holly Holliday
: 16% of all high school students dropped out last year. We can't just expect them to sit up and pay attention. These kids feel special. They have a voice, and if we don't listen to it, they just tune us out. Will Schuester
: I give my kids a voice. I just don't let them run it free. I'm a teacher. It's my job to know more than they do. Holly Holliday
: Right, you don't know about what they care about the most - themselves. These kids get bored, they change their facebook status. They're entitled to have all of these emotions, and not only that, they're entitled to have the world care about them, that is what the generation is about. Will Schuester
: A great teacher is supposed to show them there are other points of view besides their own.
: [to Finn
] What did you just say to her?
[points at Rachel
] Finn Hudson
: I said I thought you were great. Santana Lopez
: No, you're lying. Rachel Berry
: No. He literally just said that. Santana Lopez
: [to Finn
] You told her too? Will Schuester
: [stands up
] Santana. Santana Lopez
: [to Finn
] Everyone's gonna know now, because of you. Finn Hudson
: The whole school already knows. And you know what? They don't care. Santana Lopez
: Not just the school, you idiot. Everyone! Finn Hudson
: What are you talking abo...
[Santana slaps Finn and there's silence
: Tina has something she wants to share with us, but first I have an announcement to make. You've all been reprieved. Bryan Ryan isn't cutting Glee.
[all the members applauds
] Noah 'Puck' Puckerman
: Did he die?
: I was thinking we'd do one group number and one duet. Finn Hudson
: Yeah, Rachel and I should sing a duet. We killed it last year at Regionals with "Faithfully". Quinn Fabray
: Yeah, killed us. We lost.
: Ok, guys I've got one word for you. Brittany Pierce
: Is it Love? I'm totally going to graduate now!
: What is a duet? Brittany Pierce
: A blanket.
: We're only gonna do songs by neglected artists!
[the members looks confused
] Will Schuester
: Because it's a night of... neglect. Rachel Berry
: Can you define what you mean by 'neglected artists'? Will Schuester
: Eh... Someone whose brilliance isn't always appreciated. Rachel Berry
: Oh, so you mean like me?
: Listen, I gotta run. I've got an appointment to show my apartment. April Rhodes
: What's this now. Will Schuester
: Yeah, so... I need to rent out my apartment and find a smaller place to live... uh... because I'm getting a divorce. April Rhodes
: Divorce! So you're free to date? And by "date," I mean sleep with people, and by "sleep with," I mean have sex with people - people like me! Kidding. Not really.
: Schue, I'm afraid Sue is right. You have indeed "stepped in it". Will Schuester
: I didn't even know that this was going on. Sue Sylvester
: Well of course you didn't Will. You wouldn't even know if your Glee Club was using your office to breed rabbit for pets or for food. You know why? You're too busy chasing tail and loading your hair was enormous amounts of product. I mean today it just looks like you put lard in it.