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Quotes for
Kitty Montgomery (Character)
from "Dharma & Greg" (1997)

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"Dharma & Greg: Pilot (#1.1)" (1997)
Kitty Montgomery: Finkelstein?
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery: Mm-hmm.
Kitty Montgomery: Edward, what's the name of our Jewish friends?
Edward Montgomery: The Gottliebs, dear.
Kitty Montgomery: Right, the Gottliebs. Do you know them?
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery: Uh, no. Actually, I wasn't raised Jewish. My dad started his own church though, but no one really came. Well, except the IRS.

Greg Montgomery: How can marriage not be about love?
Kitty Montgomery: I don't know. Ask your father.

Kitty Montgomery: So, how long have you two been dating?
Greg Montgomery: Actually, we're not dating. We're married.

"Dharma & Greg: And Then There's the Wedding (#1.4)" (1997)
Kitty Montgomery: What is that dreadful smell?
Abby O'Neil: I'm burning sage to cleanse the room of evil spirits.
Kitty Montgomery: Well, how about I open the window and let the little devils out.

Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery: Kitty? Kitty? Kitty? It's piercing my brain.
Kitty Montgomery: Good. Won't fall off.

"Dharma & Greg: Like, Dharma's Totally Got a Date (#2.8)" (1998)
Greg Montgomery: Mother, I'm not representing you.
Kitty Montgomery: Well, "thank you for sending me to law school!"

[Kitty reluctantly admits that her $1.5 million dollar lawsuit against Larry was initiated when her tailbone injury forced her to use an inflatable donut cushion while sitting next to the mayor at a fundraiser and the cushion made a sound imitating flatulence]
Larry Finkelstein: Would the plaintiff please demonstrate for the court how the alleged sound was allegedly made?
Kitty Montgomery: I most certainly will not!
Larry Finkelstein: Your honor?
Pete Cavanaugh: The witness will comply, under the, uh..."this-I-gotta-see" rule.

"Dharma & Greg: Daughter of the Bride of Finkelstein (#1.18)" (1998)
Greg Montgomery: Jane, what are you doing here?
Jane: Larry was looking for Abby at your place. I offered him a ride since I was coming over to do my laundry.
Kitty Montgomery: Why on earth would I let you do your laundry here?
Jane: Kitty, look around. I'm the least of your problems.

Kitty Montgomery: I know that, um, that the two of you don't have what one would consider a traditional relationship. However, you still have a relationship that has lasted twenty-eight years.
Abby O'Neil: Twenty-nine if you count from when he started watching me with binoculars.

"Dharma & Greg: Do You Want Fries with That? (#1.13)" (1998)
Greg Montgomery: What's important to me is getting up in the morning and doing what makes me happy.
Kitty Montgomery: Oh my God, he's going into entertainment law.
Greg Montgomery: No, I'm going to be a chef.

Kitty Montgomery: Do you realize what you've done? Do you realize how you have destroyed my family? Do you realize how you have absolutely made my life a living hell?
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery: Is this stuff you already told me, or is this new stuff?

"Dharma & Greg: Much Ado During Nothing (#1.22)" (1998)
[last lines]
Dharma: Hey, you know what, Kitty? Greg and I worked really hard, but I think you guys deserve this.
Kitty Montgomery: What is this?
Greg: It's a duck.
Edward Montgomery: That's not a duck; it's a goose.
Dharma: Yes. But Captain, my Captain, 'goose' does not rhyme.

"Dharma & Greg: Dharma & Greg on a Hot Tin Roof (#2.14)" (1999)
Greg Montgomery: [Kitty enters living room in sunbonnet and stocking feet] Mom, where are your shoes?
Kitty Montgomery: Oh, darling... I can't do the accent AND wear shoes at the same time!
[Edward enters room, dressed as Colonel Sanders]
Greg Montgomery: [seeing Edward] MAYDAY!

"Dharma & Greg: Mad Secretaries and Englishmen (#4.7)" (2000)
Kitty Montgomery: Come along, Edward. There's someone I want you to meet.
Edward Montgomery: I hope his name is Johnnie Walker.
Kitty Montgomery: It's the archbishop.
Edward Montgomery: I hope his name is Archbishop Johnnie Walker.

"Dharma & Greg: Welcome to the Hotel Calamari (#3.2)" (1999)
Trina: Who are you?
Kitty Montgomery: It's none of your business.
Trina: It so happens that Greg is a very good friend of mine so I'm making it my business.
Kitty Montgomery: I am his mother.
Trina: Oh, I heard about you. Let me ask you a question, mommy.
Trina: Can a woman wear white to a wedding if she wasn't a virgin when she still had a penis?

"Dharma & Greg: The First Thanksgiving (#1.10)" (1997)
Kitty Montgomery: Oh, Gregory, darling, every bride thinks she wants to cook a Thanksgiving dinner and it always ends up the same. Someone cries, someone is rushed to the emergency room and a perfectly lovely bird gets wasted. Which, if I don't eat soon, will be *me*.

"Dharma & Greg: Death & Violins (#2.13)" (1999)
Kitty Montgomery: [protesting gift to Dharma's] The Stratovarius is priceless.
Beatrice: So is that expression on your face.

"Dharma & Greg: Old Yeller (#1.14)" (1998)
Kitty Montgomery: I wanted to alert you all to a- to a small problem. As you- as you do know, it is raining. Uh, and it seems that the rain is gathering inside "Inverted Cone No. 8", um, which is acting effectively as a funnel... um, causing a minor flooding condition in- in the parking area.
Patron: What are you saying, that our cars are underwater?
Kitty Montgomery: Actually, I'm trying very hard not to say that.

"Dharma & Greg: Bed, Bath and Beyond (#2.22)" (1999)
Kitty Montgomery: [rushes into hospital] Dharma! Is Gregory going to be alright?
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery: It's fine. He's fine. I'm just doing his paperwork. Do you have any mental illness in your family?
Kitty Montgomery: Not until recently.