Barbara Maitland
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Quotes for
Barbara Maitland (Character)
from Beetlejuice (1988)

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Beetlejuice (1988)
Barbara: [after Jane did not hear Adam call her] She didn't see you, right?
Adam: Uh-uh.
Barbara: [reading the handbook] In the book: "Rule Number Two: the living usually won't see the dead".
Adam: 'Won't' or 'can't'?
Barbara: It just says 'won't'. God, this book is so stupid. I can't understand anything in it.
[Adam takes the book and closes it]
Adam: Barb, honey... we're dead. I don't think we have very much to worry about anymore.

Juno: What's wrong?
Barbara: We're very unhappy.
Juno: What did you expect? You're dead.

Barbara: [after the Deetzes moved in] Is this a punishment or something? What are we gonna do?
Adam: We're not completely helpless, Barbara. I've been reading that book and there's a word for people in our situation: ghosts.

Juno: Okay, have you been studying the manual?
Adam: Well, we tried.
Juno: The intermediate interface chapter on haunting says it all. Get them out yourselves. It's your house. Haunted houses aren't easy to come by.
Barbara: Well, we don't quite get it.
Juno: [knowingly] I heard. Tore your faces right off. It obviously doesn't do any good to pull your heads off in front of people if they can't see you.
Adam: We should start more simply then?
Juno: Start simply, do what you know, use your talents, practice. You should've been studying those lessons since day one.

Delia: Charles, I will not stop living and breathing art just because you need to relax.
Charles: Ha.
Delia: I'm here with you. I will live with you in this hellhole, but I must express myself. If you don't let me gut out this house and make it my own, I will go insane, and I will take you with me!
Charles: [after a long pause] Yeah, well you know, maybe the house could use a little remodeling. Uh... But, why don't you just leave this room alone, okay?
Delia: [smiles] Okay.
[Delia and Otho leave as Charles goes furious]
Barbara: [furiously] I'm gonna get her.

Adam: You can see us without the sheets?
Lydia: Of course I can see you.
Adam: Well, how is it you see us and nobody else can?
Lydia: Well, I've read through that handbook for the recently deceased. It says: 'live people ignore the strange and unusual". I myself am strange and unusual.
Barbara: You look like a regular girl to me.

Adam: Cabin fever, hon?
Barbara: Well, I can't clean anything properly. The vacuum's out in the garage and we can't leave the house. Why don't they tell us something? I mean, where are all the other dead people in the world? Why is it just you and me?
Adam: Maybe this is heaven.
Barbara: In heaven there wouldn't be dust on everything.

Lydia: Are you the guys hiding out in the attic?
Adam: We're ghosts!
Lydia: What do you look like under there?
Adam: Aren't you scared?
Lydia: I'm not scared of sheets. Are you gross under there? Are you Night of the Living Dead under there? Like all bloody veins and pus?
Adam: Night of the what?
Lydia: Living Dead. It's a movie.
Barbara: You know, if I had seen a ghost at your age I would have been scared out of my wits.

Beetlejuice: [finds a brothel in the model] Hey, Adam, nice move!
Barbara: Adam, why did you build that?
Adam: I didn't.

Beetlejuice: I gotta card around here, somewhere. Here, here. Who do I have to kill? Here hold that for me, would ya?
[hands Barbara a rat]
Barbara: Whoa! AHH!
Beetlejuice: There. There ya go.
Adam: You don't have to kill anybody!
Beetlejuice: Ah, possession! Good.
Barbara: [In Betelgeuse's voice] Learn to throw your voice! Fool your friends! Fun at parties!

Adam: [reading] 'Handbook of the Recently Diseased'.
Barbara: ...*deceased*.
Adam: Deceased?
Barbara: I don't know where it came from. Look at the publisher.
Adam: [does so] 'Handbook for the Recently Deceased Press'.
Barbara: You know what? I don't think we survived the crash!

[Adam and Barbara make it back home as the sandworm is about to eat them]
Barbara: [crying, hugs Adam] Oh, Adam! We're trapped in this house with those people!

[Adam and Barbara see a dark room with decomposed souls]
Barbara: Oh, Adam... What is this?
Janitor: That's the lost souls room; a room for ghosts that have been exorcised. The poor devils. That's death for the dead. It's all in the handbook.
[he closes the shade of the room]
Janitor: Keep moving.

Messenger: How do I look? There are no mirrors on this side.
Adam: Fine, you look fine.
Messenger: Yeah?
Barbara: Fine.
Messenger: Thanks, I've been feeling a little flat.
[he laughs and goes through the crevice in the filing room]

[Adam and Barbara struggle to understand the "Handbook for the Recently Deceased"]
Barbara: I hate this. Just- can you give me the basics?
Adam: Well, this book isn't arranged that way. What do you wanna know?
Barbara: Well, why did you disappear when you stepped off the porch? Are we halfway to heaven? Are we halfway to hell? And... how long is this gonna last?
Adam: I don't see anything about heaven OR hell. This book reads like stereo instructions. Listen to this: "Geographical and temporal perimeters. Functional perimeters vary from manifestation to manifestation.
[Snaps book shut]
Adam: Oh, this is gonna take some time, honey.

[in the waiting room of the afterlife]
Barbara: Adam, is this what happens when you die?
Receptionist: This is what happens when *you* die.
[points at a gaunt man smoking]
Receptionist: That is what happens when *he* dies.
[points at a woman cut in half on the sofa reading]
Receptionist: And that is what happens when *they* die. It's all very personal. And I'll tell you something: if I knew then what I know now...
[shows her slit wrists]
Receptionist: ...I wouldn't have had my little accident.
[the dead people laugh]

Barbara: [to Adam] What's the good of being a ghost if you can't frighten people away.

Barbara: [to Adam] Maybe we should try that Beetle guy.

Barbara: What about that guy in the flyer, you know Betel...
Juno: Shh... Don't even say his name. You don't want his help.
Adam: We might.
Juno: No, you don't. He does not work well with others.
Barbara: What do you mean?
Juno: I didn't want to bring it up, but rather than have you stumble on to it and make another mistake, I'll tell you. He was my assistant, but he was a troublemaker. Went out on his own as a freelance bio-exorcist. Claimed he could get rid of the living. Got into more trouble. In fact, I believe he's been sleazing around your cemetery lately. The only way he can be brought back is by calling his name three times.

[repeated line]
Barbara: Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse.

Barbara: Lydia's trying, but they don't believe her.
Adam: She's got photos, Barbara.
Barbara: Adam, you had a photo of Big Foot!

Adam: It's the first day of our vacation, and you haven't been out of the kitchen since five a.m.
Barbara: [proudly] I always make the flag cake.
Adam: Fifty stars, thirteen stripes. Did you get it right this year?

Barbara: I'll go see who that is. You start counting.
[she goes out of the kitchen into the dining room]
Adam: [starts counting the stars by naming off the states] Maine. New Hampshire. Vermont. Massachusetts. Connecticut.