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: [after Jane did not hear Adam call her
] She didn't see you, right? Adam
: Uh-uh. Barbara
: [reading the handbook
] In the book: "Rule Number Two: the living usually won't see the dead". Adam
: 'Won't' or 'can't'? Barbara
: It just says 'won't'. God, this book is so stupid. I can't understand anything in it.
[Adam takes the book and closes it
: Barb, honey... we're dead. I don't think we have very much to worry about anymore.
: [after the Deetzes moved in
] Is this a punishment or something? What are we gonna do? Adam
: We're not completely helpless, Barbara. I've been reading that book and there's a word for people in our situation: ghosts.
: Okay, have you been studying the manual? Adam
: Well, we tried. Juno
: The intermediate interface chapter on haunting says it all. Get them out yourselves. It's your house. Haunted houses aren't easy to come by. Barbara
: Well, we don't quite get it. Juno
] I heard. Tore your faces right off. It obviously doesn't do any good to pull your heads off in front of people if they can't see you. Adam
: We should start more simply then? Juno
: Start simply, do what you know, use your talents, practice. You should've been studying those lessons since day one.
: What are your qualifications? Beetlejuice
: Ah. Well... I attended Juilliard... I'm a graduate of the Harvard business school. I travel quite extensively. I lived through the Black Plague and had a pretty good time during that. I've seen the EXORCIST ABOUT A HUNDRED AND SIXTY-SEVEN TIMES, AND IT KEEPS GETTING FUNNIER EVERY SINGLE TIME I SEE IT... NOT TO MENTION THE FACT THAT YOU'RE TALKING TO A DEAD GUY... NOW WHAT DO YOU THINK? You think I'm qualified?
: [as Adam and Barbara come back to the afterlife
] You two have really screwed up! I received word that you allowed yourselves to be photographed, and you let Betelgeuse out and didn't put him back, and you let Otho get hold of the handbook! Adam
: Handbook? When? Juno
: [rolls her eyes
] Never trust the living! We cannot have a routine haunting like yours provide proof that there is existence beyond death.
: You can see us without the sheets? Lydia
: Of course I can see you. Adam
: Well, how is it you see us and nobody else can? Lydia
: Well, I've read through that handbook for the recently deceased. It says: 'live people ignore the strange and unusual. I, myself, am strange and unusual. Barbara
: You look like a regular girl to me.
: Cabin fever, hon? Barbara
: Well, I can't clean anything properly. The vacuum's out in the garage and we can't leave the house. Why don't they tell us something? I mean, where are all the other dead people in the world? Why is it just you and me? Adam
: Maybe this is heaven. Barbara
: In heaven there wouldn't be dust on everything.
: You've read our book? Lydia
: Yeah. Adam
: You can follow it? Lydia
: Yeah. Why were you guys creeping around in Delia's bedroom? Adam
: We were trying to scare your mother. Lydia
: Stepmother. Anyway, you can't scare her. She's sleeping with Prince Valium tonight.
: [picks up a spider
] Now that's a big fella.
[spider almost falls out of his hand
: Are you the guys hiding out in the attic? Adam
: We're ghosts! Lydia
: What do you look like under there? Adam
: Aren't you scared? Lydia
: I'm not scared of sheets. Are you gross under there? Are you Night of the Living Dead under there? Like all bloody veins and pus? Adam
: Night of the what? Lydia
: Living Dead. It's a movie. Barbara
: You know, if I had seen a ghost at your age I would have been scared out of my wits.
: [finds a brothel in the model
] Hey, Adam, nice move! Barbara
: Adam, why did you build that? Adam
: I didn't.
: [In a decomposed state and trying to say Beetlejuice's name three times
[his mouth falls out
: I gotta card around here, somewhere. Here, here. Who do I have to kill? Here hold that for me, would ya?
[hands Barbara a rat
: Whoa! AHH! Beetlejuice
: There. There ya go. Adam
: You don't have to kill anybody! Beetlejuice
: Ah, possession! Good. Barbara
: [In Betelgeuse's voice
] Learn to throw your voice! Fool your friends! Fun at parties!
] 'Handbook of the Recently Diseased'. Barbara
: ...*deceased*. Adam
: Deceased? Barbara
: I don't know where it came from. Look at the publisher. Adam
: [does so
] 'Handbook for the Recently Deceased Press'. Barbara
: You know what? I don't think we survived the crash!
: How do I look? There are no mirrors on this side. Adam
: Fine, you look fine. Messenger
: Yeah? Barbara
: Fine. Messenger
: Thanks, I've been feeling a little flat.
[he laughs and goes through the crevice in the filing room
[Adam and Barbara struggle to understand the "Handbook for the Recently Deceased"
: I hate this. Just- can you give me the basics? Adam
: Well, this book isn't arranged that way. What do you wanna know? Barbara
: Well, why did you disappear when you stepped off the porch? Are we halfway to heaven? Are we halfway to hell? And... how long is this gonna last? Adam
: I don't see anything about heaven OR hell. This book reads like stereo instructions. Listen to this: "Geographical and temporal perimeters. Functional perimeters vary from manifestation to manifestation.
[Snaps book shut
: Oh, this is gonna take some time, honey.
: Want a cigarette? Adam
: No, thank you. Char Man
: I'm trying to cut down myself.
: What about that guy in the flyer, you know Betel... Juno
: Shh... Don't even say his name. You don't want his help. Adam
: We might. Juno
: No, you don't. He does not work well with others. Barbara
: What do you mean? Juno
: I didn't want to bring it up, but rather than have you stumble on to it and make another mistake, I'll tell you. He was my assistant, but he was a troublemaker. Went out on his own as a freelance bio-exorcist. Claimed he could get rid of the living. Got into more trouble. In fact, I believe he's been sleazing around your cemetery lately. The only way he can be brought back is by calling his name three times.
: Can you be scary? Beetlejuice
: Oh, I know what you're asking me. Can I be scary. What do you think of this? You like it?
: Lydia's trying, but they don't believe her. Adam
: She's got photos, Barbara. Barbara
: Adam, you had a photo of Big Foot!
: [the Maitlands have tried to scare the Deetzes away at dinner
] Let's watch them scatter.
[Adam and Barbara move to the attic window
: Any minute now they're gonna' come running out of that door screaming.
[But no-one does
: Any minute now.
: It's the first day of our vacation, and you haven't been out of the kitchen since five a.m. Barbara
] I always make the flag cake. Adam
: Fifty stars, thirteen stripes. Did you get it right this year?
: I'll go see who that is. You start counting.
[she goes out of the kitchen into the dining room
: [starts counting the stars by naming off the states
] Maine. New Hampshire. Vermont. Massachusetts. Connecticut.