Leigh Anne Tuohy
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Quotes for
Leigh Anne Tuohy (Character)
from The Blind Side (2009)

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The Blind Side (2009)
Alton: You hear me, bitch?
Leigh Anne Touhy: No, you hear me, BITCH!. You threaten my son, you threaten me. You so much as cross into downtown, you will be sorry. I'm in a prayer group with the D.A., I'm a member of the N.R.A. and I'm always packing.
Alton: Whatchu packin? .22? A little Saturday night special?
Leigh Anne Touhy: Yep. And it shoots just fine every other day of the week too.

Leigh Anne Touhy: Michael, I want you to have a good time but if you get a girl pregnant out of wedlock, I will crawl into the car, drive up to Oxford and cut off your penis.
S.J. Tuohy: She means it.

Coach Cotton: What did you say to him?
Leigh Anne Touhy: You should really get to know your players. Michael scored in the 98th percentile in protective instincts.

Beth: You're changing that boy's life.
Leigh Anne Touhy: No. He's changing mine.

Leigh Anne Touhy: I don't want to name names but one of the coaches took him to a titty bar. Gave him nightmares.

Leigh Anne Touhy: Who died and made him Bear Bryant?

Sean Tuohy: You really expect Michael to lay down on a couch and talk about his childhood like he's Woody Allen or something? I mean, Michael's gift is his ability to forget. He's mad at no one and he really doesn't care happened in the past.
Leigh Anne Touhy: You're right.
Sean Tuohy: Excuse me? 'You're right'? How'd those words taste coming out of your mouth?
Leigh Anne Touhy: Like vinegar.

Leigh Anne Touhy: Sean and I have been talking and Michael, if you're gonna accept a football scolarship we think it should be to Tennesee. And I promise that I will be at every game cheering for you.
Michael Oher: Every game.
Leigh Anne Touhy: Every game. But I will not wear that gaudy orange, I will not. It is not my colour wheel and I'm not gonna wear it.

[first lines]
Leigh Anne Touhy: There's a moment of orderly silence before a football play begins. Players are in position, linemen are frozen, and anything is possible. Then, like a traffic accident, stuff begins to randomly collide. From the snap of the ball to the snap of the first bones, closer to 4 seconds than 5.
[video rewinds]
Leigh Anne Touhy: One-mississippi - Joe Theismann, the Redskins quarterback takes the snap and hands-off to his running mate. Two-mississippi - it's a trick play, a flea-flicker. And the running back tosses it back to the quarterback. Three-mississippi - up 'til now the play's been defined by what the quarterback sees; it's about to be defined by what he doesn't. Four-mississippi - Lawrence Taylor is the best defensive player in the NFL. And has been from the time he walked onto the fielded as a rookie. He will also change the game of football as we know it... Legendary quarterback Joe Theismann never played another down of football.
Leigh Anne Touhy: Now, y'all would guess that more often than not, the highest paid player on an NFL team is the quarterback. And you'd be right. But what you probably don't know is that more often than not, the second highest paid player is, thanks to Lawrence Taylor, a left tackle. Because, as every housewife knows, the first check you write is for the mortgage, but the second is for the insurance. The left tackle's job is to protect the quarterback from what he can't see coming. To protect his blind side.

Leigh Anne Touhy: I said you could thank me later. It's later, Bert.

Leigh Anne Touhy: [to redneck heckler at football game] Hey... crotchmouth! Yeah, you! Zip it, or I'll come up there and zip if for ya!
[to same, after his kid gets sacked]
Leigh Anne Touhy: Yo, deliverance. You see number 74? Well, that's *my* son.

Leigh Anne Touhy: I'd like to become a legal guardian.
CPS Welfare Worker: God help that child!

Leigh Anne Touhy: We have been here for an hour, and all I see is people shooting the bull and drinking coffee. I want to know who runs this joint?
[the welfare worker points to a picture of George W. Bush]

Michael Oher: It's nice, I never had one before.
Leigh Anne Touhy: What, a room to yourself?
Michael Oher: A bed.

Michael Oher: Ms. Touhy?
Leigh Anne Touhy: I hear Ms. Touhy I look over my shoulder for my mother-in-law.

Michael Oher: Mr. Touhy sleeps on the couch?
Leigh Anne Touhy: Only when he's bad.

Leigh Anne Touhy: [talking about the Tuohy's Christmas card photo with Michael in it]
Elaine: He looks so big compared to you like Jessica Lange right next to King Kong
[amidst chuckles]
Beth: Hey, does Michael get the family discount at Taco Bell? 'Cause if he does Sean is gonna lose a few stores.
Leigh Anne Touhy: He's a good kid.
Elaine: Well, I say you make it official and just adopt him
[laughs]
Leigh Anne Touhy: He's going to be eighteen in a few months it doesn't make much sense to legally adopt.
[they all stare at her]
Sherry: Leigh Ann, is this some sort of white guilt thing?
Elaine: What would your Daddy say?
Leigh Anne Touhy: Um... before or after he turns around in his grave? Daddy's been gone five years Elaine. Make matters worse you were at the funeral, remember? You were wearing Chanel and that awful black hat? Look, here's the deal, I don't need y'all to approve my choices alright, but I do ask that you respect them. You have no idea what this boy has been through and if this becomes some running diatribe, I can find overpriced salad a lot closer to home.
Sherry: Leigh Ann, I'm so sorry, we didn't mean to...
Elaine: No, we didn't really.
Beth: I think what you are doing is so great. Opening up your home to him... honey, you are changing that boy's life.
Leigh Anne Touhy: No, he's changing mine.
Elaine: [snidely] And that's great for you. But, seriously, Leigh Ann, aren't you worried for Collins? I mean, she's a beautiful white girl, and he's a big, black boy.
Leigh Anne Touhy: Shame on you.
[gets up]
Leigh Anne Touhy: I'm getting this.
[she leaves]

Leigh Anne Touhy: Well, alright then.

S.J. Tuohy: [Diagramming an American Football play with cylindrical containers from a spice rack on the Dining Room table] Now, I will be the Running Back... and you show me what you are supposed to do. Ready? Hike. You will block him, he will hit him, and the Quarter Back will hand it off... he gets off... and takes off... open lane to the endzone! All there is to it!
Leigh Anne Touhy: [Walks in... perplexed] What's going on here?
Michael Oher: Blended Spice just scored...