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: Watch it Heather, you might be digesting food there. Heather McNamara
: Yeah, where's your urge to purge? Heather Duke
: Fuck it.
: It's one thing to want someone out of your life, but it's another thing to serve them a wake-up cup full of liquid drainer.
: Corn Nuts! Veronica Sawyer
: Plain or BQ? Heather Chandler
: What is your damage, Heather?
: Is your life perfect? Veronica Sawyer
: I'm on my way to a party at Remington University... No, my life's not perfect. I don't really like my friends. J.D.
: I... I don't really like your friends either. Veronica Sawyer
: Well, it's just like - they're people I work with, and our job is being popular and shit. J.D.
: Maybe it's time to take a vacation.
: My parents wanted to move me into high school out of the sixth grade, but we decided to chuck the idea because I'd have trouble making friends, blah, blah, blah. Now blah, blah, blah is all I ever do. I use my grand IQ to decide what color lip gloss to wear in the morning and how to hit three keggers before curfew...
: Well, ah... Let's take a look at some of the homosexual artifacts I dug up to plant at the scene.
[He picks up a shopping bag and pulls items out of it
: All right. Got an issue of "Stud Puppy." Veronica Sawyer
: Candy dish. Joan Crawford postcard. Let's see, some mascara. All right. And here's the one perfecto thing I picked up. Mineral water. Veronica Sawyer
: Oh, come on, a lot of people drink mineral water, it's come a long way. J.D.
: Yeah, but this is Ohio. I mean, if you don't have a brewski in your hand you might as well be wearing a dress. Veronica Sawyer
: Oh, you're so smart.
: [writing in diary
] Betty Finn was a true friend and I sold her out for a bunch of Swatch dogs and Diet Coke heads. Killing Heather would be like offing the wicked witch of the west... wait east. West! God! I sound like a fucking psycho.
: Hello, Heather. Heather Chandler
: Veronica. Finally. I got a note of Kurt Kelly's. I need you to forge a hot and horny but realistically low-key note in Kurt's handwriting, and we'll slip it onto Martha Dumptruck's lunch tray. Veronica Sawyer
: Shit, Heather, I don't have anything against Martha Dunnstock. Heather Chandler
: You don't have anything for her either. Come on, it'll be very. The note'll give her shower-nozzle masturbation material for weeks. Veronica Sawyer
: I'll think about it. Heather Chandler
: Don't think.
: Is this turnout weak or what? I had at least 70 more people at my funeral. Veronica Sawyer
: Heather? Heather Chandler
: God, Veronica. My afterlife is so boring. I have to sing Kumbaya one more time... Veronica Sawyer
: What are you doing here? Heather Chandler
: I made your favorite. Spaghetti. With lots of oregano. Dinner! Veronica Sawyer
: [wakes up from dream
: Hey, Martha. My date for the prom kinda flaked out on me. I was wondering, If you weren't doing anything that night, maybe we could rent some new releases and pop some popcorn. Martha 'Dumptruck' Dunnstock
: I'd like that. Veronica Sawyer
: Yeah. Me too.
: Dear Diary: Heather told me she teaches people "real life." She said, real life sucks losers dry. You want to fuck with the eagles, you have to learn to fly. I said, so, you teach people how to spread their wings and fly? She said, yes. I said, you're beautiful.
: Great pate, mom, but I gotta motor if I wanna be ready for that party tonight.
: You stupid fuck. Veronica Sawyer
: You goddamn bitch. Heather Chandler
: I brought you to a Remington party and what's my thanks? It's on a hallway carpet. I got paid in puke. Veronica Sawyer
: Lick it up, baby. Lick. It. Up.
: Will someone tell me why I smoke these damn things? Veronica Sawyer
: Because you're an idiot. Veronica's Dad
: Oh yeah, that's it.
: This isn't just a spoke in my menstrual cycle.
: Suicide is a private thing. Veronica Sawyer
: You're throwing your life away to become a statistic on U. S. fucking A. Today; that's about the least private thing I can think of.
: This may seem like a really stupid question... J.D.
: There *are* no stupid questions. Veronica Sawyer
: You inherit 5 million dollars the same day aliens land on the earth and say they're going to blow it up in 2 days. What do you do? J.D.
: That's the stupidest question I've ever heard.
: If I got that money, I'd give it all to the homeless. Every cent. Veronica Sawyer
: You're beautiful.
: If you think I'm doing another suicide note you're wrong! J.D.
: You don't get it do you? Society nods its head at any horror the American teenager can think upon itself. Nobody is going to care about exact handwriting.
: Veronica, can you come back here a minute? Veronica Sawyer
: A true friend's work is never done. Heather Chandler
: God, they're not gonna expel him. they'll just suspend him for a week or something. Heather Chandler
: He used a real gun, they should throw his ass in jail. Veronica Sawyer
: He used blanks. all he did was ruin 2 pairs of pants, maybe not even that... can you bleach out urine stains?
: What the fuck? Rodney
: Ok, now I rarely listen to Neanderthals like Kurt Kelly but he said that he and Ram had a nice little sword fight in your mouth last night. Veronica Sawyer
: Ew! That son of a bitch.
: God had cursed me I think. The last guy I had sex with killed himself the next day. I'm failing math. I was supposed to be cheerleading captain... Veronica Sawyer
: She knows we listen to this show. Heather Duke
] Heather Duke
: We'll crucify her!
: You're a rebel? You think you're a rebel? You're not a rebel you're fucking psychotic!
: I say we just grow up, be adults and die.
: All we want is to be treated like human beings, not to be experimented on like guinea pigs or patronized like bunny rabbits. Veronica's Dad
: I don't patronize bunny rabbits.
: If you were happy every day of your life you wouldn't be a human being. You'd be a game-show host.
: Heather, why can't you just be a friend? Why do you have to be such a mega-bitch? Heather Duke
: Because I can be.
: Wanna go out tonight? Catch a movie? Miniature golf? Veronica Sawyer
: I was thinking more along the lines of slitting Heather Duke's wrists open, making it look like suicide. J.D.
: Ah, now you're talking. I can be up for that. I've already started underlining meaningful passages in her copy of Moby Dick, if you know what I mean.
: Dear Diary, my teen-angst bullshit now has a body count.
: I just killed my best friend. J.D.
: And your worst enemy. Veronica Sawyer
: Same difference.
: She's my best friend. God, I hate her.
: You know what I want?
] Veronica Sawyer
: Cool guys like you out of my life.
: Veronica, you look like hell. Veronica Sawyer
: Yeah? I just got back.
: Heather, my love, there's a new sheriff in town.
: Greetings and salutations... you a Heather? Veronica Sawyer
: No, I'm a Veronica... Sawyer.
: That knife is filthy. J.D.
: What do you think I'm going to do with it, take out her tonsils? Veronica Sawyer
: Excuse me, I think I know Heather a little bit better than you do. If she were going to slit her wrists, the knife would be spotless.
: God, aren't they fed yet? Do they even have Thanksgiving in Africa? Veronica Sawyer
: Oh, sure. Pilgrims, Indians... Tator Tots. It's a real party continent.
: God, they won't expel him, they'll just suspend him for a week or something. Heather Chandler
: He used a real gun. They should throw his ass in jail. Veronica Sawyer
: No way. He used blanks. All J. D. really did was ruin two pairs of pants, maybe not even that. Can you bleach out urine stains?
: Tomorrow, I'll be kissing her aerobicized ass, but tonight, let me dream of a world without Heather, a world where I am free.
: You know, I have a little prepared speech I tell my suitor when he wants more than I'd like to give him. Gee, blank, I had a really nice... Brad
: Save the speeches for Malcolm X, I just want to get laid. Veronica Sawyer
: You don't deserve my fucking speech.
: So, what's the question? Heather Duke
: Yeah, so what's the question, Heather? Heather Chandler
: Goddamn, Heather, you were with me in study hall when I thought of it. Heather Duke
: I forgot. Heather Chandler
: Ugh... such a pillowcase.
: Hi, everybody. Door was open. Veronica, did you hear? We were doing Chinese at the food fair, when it comes over the radio that Martha Dumptruck tried to buy the farm. She belly-flopped in front of a car wearing a suicide note. Veronica Sawyer
: Is she dead? Heather Duke
: No... that's the punchline. She's alive, and in stable condition. Just another case of a geek trying to imitate the popular people and failing miserably. Veronica Sawyer
: [slaps Heather
] Veronica Sawyer
: [camera cuts to Veronica's room
] I said I was sorry! Heather Duke
: You were out of control! I mean Heather and Kurt were a shock but Martha Dumptruck? Get crucial! She was dialing suicide hotlines in her diapers! Veronica Sawyer
: Ugh... shut-up, Hot Probs is on.
: Suicide gave Heather depth, Kurt a soul, and Ram a brain. I don't know what it's given me, but I have no control over myself when I'm with J.D. Are we going to prom or to hell?
: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you? Heather McNamara the Cheerleader
: What's the up-chuck factor on that?
: How very.
] When I get that feeling, I need sexual healing. Veronica Sawyer
] Yeah, right, asshole!
: [after killing Heather
] What are we gonna tell the cops? "Fuck it if she can't take a joke, Sarge". Veronica Sawyer
: The cops? This is my life. Oh, my God. I'll have to send my S.A.T. scores to San Quentin instead of Stanford.
: [praying over Heather's casket
] Hi, I'm sorry. Technically, I did not kill Heather Chandler, but hey who am I trying to kid, right? I just want my high school to be a nicer place. Amen. Did that sound bitchy?
: Take a look. We'll have a two page layout with her suicide note here in the right hand corner. It's more tasteful than it sounds. Veronica Sawyer
: I don't know. This kind of thing leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Courtney
: Like last night, Veronica?
: Get a job.
: Great pate, mom, but I gotta motor if I wanna be ready for that funeral.
: Um... to me, though, suicide is the natural answer to the myriad of problems life has given me. Veronica Sawyer
: That's good but Heather would never use the word myriad. J.D.
: This is the last thing she'll ever write; she'll want to use as many 50-cent words as possible. Veronica Sawyer
: She missed myriad on the vocab test two weeks ago. J.D.
: That only proves my point more. The word is a badge for her failures at school.
: [speaking to Heather McNamara after her suicide attempt
] If you were happy everyday of your life you wouldn't be a human being, you'd be a game show host.