George Burns
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Quotes for
George Burns (Character)
from "The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show" (1950)

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"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: The African Hunter (#8.7)" (1957)
Harry von Zell: I'm great at character stuff! I'm what you might call a man-of-a-thousand-faces.
George Burns: You couldn't be, or you wouldn't have picked that one.

Ronnie Burns: I've, uh - I got a problem.
George Burns: When'd you meet her?
Ronnie Burns: Who?
George Burns: The problem. When'd you meet her?
Ronnie Burns: How'd you know I met a new girl?
George Burns: Well, it's a new week, isn't it?

Ronnie Burns: It seems that everything happens in this house. Last time I brought a girl home, Mr. Von Zell showed up with an Indian in full war paint. And another time, mother locked my professor in the closet!
George Burns: Ronnie, if those things didn't happen in this house... we wouldn't have one.

Gracie Allen: Any more questions?
George Burns: Yeah, just one. Who's the man upstairs in his underwear?
Gracie Allen: Any more questions?
George Burns: No, I like that one. Who is he?
Gracie Allen: Well, he's Colonel Bradley, a famous African hunter who spoke at our club meeting and I asked him to stay with us for a week.
George Burns: For a week? Don't you think you should have asked my permission?
Gracie Allen: Why?
George Burns: I'm the head of the house.
Gracie Allen: Oh George, I'm so relieved! You know, I thought you were mad at me, and here you are making jokes!

Harry Morton: Oh, if I only had a nickel for every time you and your wife have ruined my marriage!
George Burns: Harry, don't blame me for spoiling your happiness.
Harry Morton: I didn't say "happiness." My marriage ruined my happiness and you and your wife are ruining my marriage!

George Burns: A guest is just a host trying to get even.


"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: The Musical Version (#6.6)" (1955)
George Burns: Singers that imitate Crosby are a dime a dozen. You couldn't get anybody to sing like I do for a million dollars!

George Burns: [singing] She wakes me up when I'm in slumber deep to ask me if I really am asleep. Why do I stand for it? I love her, that's why!

George Burns: [singing] She calls the doctor when I need some bread and calls the baker when I'm sick in bed. Why do I stand for it? I love her, that's why!

George Burns: [singing] She'll make a date with me then make me wait. And then she'll bawl me out for being late! Why do I stand for it? Oh, I love her, that's why!

George Burns: [singing] Life with her is unpredictable but I'm a guy who knows no fear. Her jibber-jabbering may puzzle you and me, but to her it's perfectly clear.


"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Too Much Pot Roast (#8.2)" (1957)
Gracie Allen: Isn't it a lovely day? I'm glad we're having lunch out in the garden.
George Burns: Yeah, it was a good idea.
Gracie Allen: Yes! Isn't the air wonderful?
George Burns: Yeah, and I notice that we get more of it outdoors than we do indoors.
Gracie Allen: Yeah, you know, and it's surprising because we've got more windows indoors.
George Burns: That's because the man who designed our house built the outdoors better.
Gracie Allen: Well, naturally! He had more room to work in.
George Burns: [to camera] I'm sorry I started it.

George Burns: What's Ronnie studying?
Gracie Allen: Greek philosophy.
George Burns: Oh, like Aristotle, Plato, Socrates?
Gracie Allen: Well, I don't know the professor's name, but it must be one of those three.

Gracie Allen: Isn't it wonderful, the interest he's taking in his studies?
George Burns: Gracie, I think Ronnie's studying the same thing I studied when I was his age.
Gracie Allen: Oh George, you never went to college!
George Burns: Yeah, but I used to stand outside and whistle at them as they walked in!

George Burns: [to camera] I'm supposed to say something funny to cover Gracie's walk to the front door, but I won't have time to say it because she's already there. So why don't you laugh and I'll owe you a joke.

George Burns: [Gracie hired models to pose as servants] Where did you get these girls?
Gracie Allen: From a model agency.
George Burns: What does that cost?
Gracie Allen: Oh, about a hundred-thousand dollars. You see, it's a four-story building and it's very modern, and it has glass all the way...
George Burns: No, not what the building cost. What do the girls cost?
Gracie Allen: Oh, they each get twenty-five dollars an hour.
George Burns: This is murder! Who's got that kinda money?
Gracie Allen: Well, they'll have it as soon as you pay them.


"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Ronnie Gets an Agent (#6.17)" (1956)
George Burns: [Ronnie worries that his parents will embarrass him] When Mr. Fletcher gets here, there'll be no jokes and no attempts at being funny.
Gracie Allen: Well, it would be silly for Mr. Fletcher to tell jokes. You know, laughs are very hard to get. Ask your father, he's been trying to get them for years!

George Burns: Ronnie, I'm your father and I know best.
Ronnie Burns: But, Dad!
George Burns: I don't care what Mr...
Gracie Allen: Now, wait a minute! None of these family arguments! One of you is guessing and the other one knows what he's talking about, and you can benefit by his experience. So George, why don't you listen to Ronnie?

George Burns: That's the best way to avoid a quarrel, run away from it. Never have an argument with your wife because in the end you must lose. I learned that when I first married Gracie. We'd have arguments and I'd always win, then to make up I had to buy her a present. So I stopped arguing when I found out I couldn't afford to be right all the time.

George Burns: I gotta handle things for my family or there'd be a lot of confusion. You know, I once happened to say to Gracie, "The way to lose friends is to borrow money." She went to the bank and borrowed a thousand dollars and gave 'em a list of friends she wanted to lose.

Ronnie Burns: You know, Mom, it's real swell of you and Dad to give this dinner for Sally tonight.
George Burns: Oh Ronnie, any friend of yours is a friend of ours.
Ronnie Burns: And to include her parents.
Gracie Allen: Well, why wouldn't we include them? Any parents of a girlfriend of yours are friends of our parents's girlfriend too!


"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: The Stolen Car (#8.15)" (1958)
Gracie Allen: [Ronnie needs a story for the school paper] I've got just the thing! It was a big surprise to the Vanderlips when it happened. Thier cat had six kittens!
Ronnie Burns: No, mother, but I need a story that's exciting.
Gracie Allen: The cat's name is Henry.
George Burns: Well, Ronnie, if you don't use it, I'm sure Walter Winchell will grab it.
Gracie Allen: Oh! If Winchell dares to grab Henry in his condition, he'll hear from me!

George Burns: In our house it works this way: Gracie reads the home section, Ronnie the sports section, and I the entertainment section. Of course, once in a while I do read the front page to see how long we'll be here to enjoy those other three sections.

Harry Morton: George, my spouse has gone berserk!
George Burns: Well, why don't you go with her? I understand you can get a family rate.

George Burns: There's nothing like being the boss in your own house. And Gracie is.


"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: The Uranium Caper (#5.34)" (1955)
Blanche Morton: [to George] Why you ought to be ashamed of yourself, taking advantage of your neighbors and your friends! Why that's downright dishonest.
Gracie Allen: Now wait a minute, Blanche. You can't come over here and say a thing like that to George! How would you like it if I came over to your house and said things like that about my husband?
George Burns: Thank you, dear.

Gracie Allen: If you can have secrets from me, I can have secrets from you.
George Burns: Secrets? What secrets have I got?
Gracie Allen: Oh, don't play so innocent, George. How would you like it if you heard me talking to somebody on the phone, and saying "I've got something but don't tell George?" And after being happily married for 25 years, I wouldn't, but you did.
George Burns: Whatever that is, I did that today?
Gracie Allen: Well don't forget, two can play that game as well as I can.

George Burns: Do you know what you're talking about?
Gracie Allen: Well, of course I know what I'm talking about. And even if I didn't, it wouldn't be the first time.

Harry von Zell: I'll just say this to you, Mr. Burns. I'm certainly glad I'm not working for you anymore. Why you're selfish and underhanded. You're not fit to associate with decent people!
Gracie Allen: Now Harry, I realize you're our friend, but you can't say things like that to George. I don't even like it when my family says it!
George Burns: Gracie, will you please stop helping me?


A Damsel in Distress (1937)
Jerry Halliday: What's today?
Gracie: Oh, I don't know.
George: Well, you can tell if you look at that newspaper on your desk.
Gracie: Oh, this is no help, George. It's yesterday's paper.

Lord John Marshmorton: Miss Allen, is he coming here tonight, your friend Mr. Halliday?
Gracie: Oh, well sure he's not coming here and do you know why he's not coming here tonight? Because he wasn't invited, that's why he's not coming here tonight, Lord Marshmallow.
George: Gracie, it's Marshmorton, not Marshmallow.
Gracie: That's what I said, Marshmallow.
George: Look, Gracie, "marshmallow" is soft and mushy.
Gracie: Oh, please, George! You don't know this gentleman well enough to say that about him.
George: [to Lord Marshmorton] I'm sorry, would you explain that please?
Lord John Marshmorton: Certainly. Miss Allen, have you ever seen a toasted marshmallow?
Gracie: No, but I'm dying to see that. I bet you're a scream!

Gracie: [Gracie answers the telephone] It's a Hawaiian.
George: A Hawaiian?
Gracie: Well he must be. He says he's Brown from The Morning Sun.

Gracie: You know, if it weren't for two things you'd be a terrific dancer.
George: What's that?
Gracie: Your feet.


Love in Bloom (1935)
Motorcycle cop: You certainly led me a merry chase!
Gracie Downey: Oh, thank you officer, and a merry chase to you too!
George: Ah, officer...
Motorcycle cop: Goin' 60 miles an hour.
Gracie Downey: Oh, were you? So were we!
George: Uh, uh, listen, officer...
Motorcycle cop: What's your name?
Gracie Downey: Um, uh, Gracie Downey. What's yours?
Motorcycle cop: Patrick Mc... wait a minute!
Gracie Downey: Oh, Patrick McWaitaminute. Isn't that a pretty name? How is Mrs. McWaitaminute? and all the little McWaitaseconds?
Motorcycle cop: Say, are you trying to kid me?
Gracie Downey: Ah, hah. Oh, George, the officer wants you to kid him. You're a good kidder. Say something to him.
George: Quiet!
Motorcycle cop: Whatta mean 'quiet?' OGne more quiet out of you, and I'll punch you right in the nose.
Gracie Downey: That's a good comeback. Now, Georgoe-Porgie, it's your turn. Say something to the officer.
Motorcycle cop: I think I'll give you a ticket.
Gracie Downey: Oh, that's awfully nice of you. Will you make it out for two so I can take Georgie with me,
George: Gracie, it's not the kind of ticket that you think it is. It's a ticket to traffic court.
Gracie Downey: Oh, what's playing there?
George: A judge and a jury.
Gracie Downey: Oh, I've seen that picture!

George: Listen officer, can't we talk this over? You know, I've got an uncle who's a motorcycle cop.
Gracie Downey: Yeah, and he's handsome too, just like you.
Motorcycle cop: Oh. Flattery, eh?
Gracie Downey: No, O'Flanagan.

George: Yeah, and if they don't hang me on Monday, its because they hung me on Sunday!

George: Gracie, you talk like an imbecile!
Gracie Downey: Aw, Georgie, you flatterer you!


"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Ronnie Finds a Friend an Apartment (#8.16)" (1958)
George Burns: So you, um - you have your own checking account?
Ronnie Burns: Well, I'm saving up a little money. It's sort of an old age emergency fund.
George Burns: Old age?
Ronnie Burns: Well, yes. When you get older you might not be as easy to get money from.
George Burns: You know, Ronnie, if you don't pass your exams I might age before your next allowance.

Gracie Allen: Thanks to you, Ronnie has rented an apartment.
George Burns: Ronnie rented an apartment?
Gracie Allen: His landlord just phoned. Ronnie give him a check with the wrong date.
George Burns: Gracie, if I explain this, will ya listen?
Gracie Allen: Oh, you don't have to explain it. I know what it is to put a wrong date on a check, I do it every day!

George Burns: Well, there goes Gracie, full speed ahead and running the wrong way.

George Burns: You heard of Instant Milk and Instant Coffee? Well, I'm putting a new product on the market called Instant Confusion. You take any situation, you add a little Gracie, and there you are. And if you know where you are, you haven't taken enough.


"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Ronnie's Elopement (#6.11)" (1955)
George Burns: Isn't Gracie wonderful? Ya know that she's not the least bit jealous of me? It's true. When I was first courting her we were walking down the street and a pretty girl passed and I whistled at her. You know what Gracie did? She liked what I was whistling and she joined in.

George Burns: Pretty women have caused trouble all through history. Look at Cleopatra and Helen of Troy, they lived back in uh - in um - in um... oh, way back... far, far back. That's part of the trouble they caused in history, they made me flunk.

George Burns: There's a saying that married couples fight because it's wonderful to make up. The Mortons have been married for 12 years, they haven't made up yet, but when they do it ought to be a beauty.

Gracie Allen: Oh you know, sometimes we women get so sick and tired of the kind of men we married, we wish we hadn't married them. And if there were any other kinda men, we wouldn'ta married them either!
George Burns: What have we rats been doing now?
Gracie Allen: Oh, dear, I don't mean you. I was talking about men, so don't take it personally.


"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Ronnie Gets a Movie Role (#7.31)" (1957)
George Burns: Oh by the way, Sam, if you're thinking of making a musical and want somebody that can sing, somebody who's got a style and has had it for a long time - in fact, he's had it so long that his style is back in style again - I'm available.

George Burns: [Ronnie is cast in a movie] I've always been known as Gracie Allen's husband but now things'll be different, I'll also be known as the father of Gracie Allen's son.

George Burns: A lot of people think I have no talent at all but that's only because they've seen me perform.

George Burns: You know, when I was Ronnie's age I could've been a movie star if movies had been invented. So I went into vaudeville instead and that's why they invented movies.


"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: George Goes Skiing (#6.16)" (1956)
George Burns: [monologue] Skiing is the only sport endorsed by the American Medical Association.

George Burns: [monologue] Sports can be overdone, too, you know. A friend of mine was crazy about fishing. Every spare moment he had, he went out fishing. Finally, his wife told him - either he gives up fishing or she's gonna leave him. Now, when he speaks about the big one that got away - he means his wife.

George Burns: My idea of roughing it is playing Bridge in a room with the window open.

George Burns: I like fresh air, but I like it a warm apartment, not running loose.


"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Gracie Tries to Cure Roger of Amnesia (#5.38)" (1955)
Gracie Allen: Oh, Hazel hasn't been very well. Her feet are killing her so she's gonna have glasses fitted.
George Burns: She's gonna have glasses fitted because her feet are killing her?
Gracie Allen: Sure! She couldn't see where she parked the car and she had to walk five miles to get home!
George Burns: Well, if her eyes are that bad, how can she see where she's driving?
Gracie Allen: She doesn't have to. She only drives on streets she's familiar with.

Gracie Allen: Hazel says she's going to an octopus to see if she needs glasses.
George Burns: She means an oculist.
Gracie Allen: No. First she'll look at an octopus, and if she doesn't see eight legs, then she'll got to an oculist.

Gracie Allen: You know, Hazel's eyes have always been bad. The last time I was home she wasted hours sitting in front of her washing machine.
George Burns: Why did she do that?
Gracie Allen: Well, there were two suits of long underwear inside and she thought they were wrestlers on television.

Gracie Allen: Hazel's on a vacation now. She went to one of those islands in the West Indies.
George Burns: Jamaica?
Gracie Allen: No, I didn't make her. She wanted to go!
George Burns: Would you mind repeating that?
Gracie Allen: Hazel's on a vacation now, and she went to one of those islands in the West Indies.
George Burns: Cuba?
Gracie Allen: I didn't make her. She wanted to go!


"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Ronnie Arrives (#6.2)" (1955)
George Burns: Well, Gracie's got another surprise for me. Since we've been in New York she's done nothing but surprise me. First day she bought a white dress, and the second day she bought a blue dress, and the third day she bought a green dress. So I told Gracie, instead of spending all of her time shopping, she ought to go around and see some of the sights. So she finally took my advice; the next day she bought a black dress and went to Grant's Tomb.

George Burns: The biggest surprise I ever got was last Saturday. I asked Gracie to do a couple of things for me cuz I had to go downtown. I said, "Gracie, put this ribbon in the typewriter and sew this zipper on my slacks." When I came home, I couldn't believe my eyes. She put the ribbon in the typewriter and sewed a zipper on the slacks! You know, if she continues making mistakes like that, we won't have a television show!

George Burns: Ronnie, you don't have to knock yourself out. If you want to get into showbusiness and you want a little experience, you can come on our television show.
Ronnie Burns: But you - you do a comedy show.
George Burns: Well?
Ronnie Burns: If I got laughs, all my time at the Pasadena Playhouse would be wasted. I could never face those kids again!
George Burns: Um... laughs are no good?
Ronnie Burns: I know it's hard for you to understand, Dad, but I want to be something worthwhile. I don't want comedy. Laughs have ruined a lot of actors - look what it's done to you!
[George gets up and studies himself in the mirror]
George Burns: Solid gold collarpin, silk tie, monogrammed shirts, never out of cigars. If you're gonna be ruined, that's the only way!

Gracie Allen: [to Ronnie] I know showbusiness will be just as good to you as it has been to your father and me!
George Burns: He doesn't mean comedy showbusiness. He wants to be a dramatic actor. He doesn't want to be funny, doesn't wanna get laughs.
Gracie Allen: Wonderful! That means you can step right into your father's shoes!


"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: The Publicity Marriage (#8.27)" (1958)
Harry Morton: Geooorrrge Burrrns!
George Burns: Harry, you're the only man I know that makes my name sound like you're stepping on it.

Harry Morton: You are a despicable scoundrel, a venal egocentric, a contumacious and meretricious rapscallion! There aren't enough words in the English language to describe you!
George Burns: Sounds to me like you made up a few of your own.

Gracie Allen: Here you are dear, the morning paper.
George Burns: It's sorta all wrinkled up.
Gracie Allen: Well, we get our paper from a very old delivery boy.


"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Ronnie's Bashful (#7.9)" (1956)
George Burns: Gracie, Harry has enough on his mind, he doesn't need you to drive him crazy.
Gracie Allen: Well, I know but until he gets a wife, at least I can help!

George Burns: Are we dressing tonight?
Harry von Zell: Yeah, I'm wearing my dinner jacket.
George Burns: Then I will too.
Gracie Allen: George, you'd better wear your own because if he keeps eating there'll hardly be enough room in his dinner jacket for him!

George Burns: Gracie, when we go out tonight, Von Zell told his girl he's only 32, so let's keep it that way.
Gracie Allen: How did you happen to tell her a thing like that?
Harry von Zell: Well, I - I didn't exactly tell her that, Gracie. You see, I just said that I'm about 4 years older than she is, and she turned out to be 28, so what could I do?
Gracie Allen: Well, you were certainly a gentleman to lie to her like that because if you told the truth, the poor girl would have to be about 46!


"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Ronnie Makes a Record (#8.30)" (1958)
George Burns: You can't make records for his company, unless he okays it, and I don't want to be late. Have you seen my car keys?
Gracie Allen: No, Dear, but since you're in such a hurry, you can show them to me when you get back.

George Burns: Goodbye, dear. And if everything works out with Mr. Stanley, when I come back I, uh - I might have a surprise for ya.
Gracie Allen: Well, if it's what I think it is, don't tell me because I already know. And if it isn't, don't tell me because I hate to be wrong!

George Burns: Gracie, that's pretty hard to believe.
Gracie Allen: Well, believe as much as you can and don't pay any attention to the rest.


"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Harry Morton's Cocktail Party (#6.5)" (1955)
Gracie Allen: [Gracie tries to help Ronnie get a motorcycle] George, Ronnie wants a locomotive.
George Burns: Ronnie wants a locomotive?
Gracie Allen: How about a speedboat?
George Burns: A speedboat?
Gracie Allen: Well, he needs something to go to school in. Taxis are very expensive!
George Burns: How 'bout a pair of roller-skates?
Gracie Allen: Let's split it down the middle and get him a motorcycle.
[Gracie pats Ronnie's chest]
Gracie Allen: See how it works, Ronnie?

George Burns: [to audience] Blanche just told me that she slugged a masher in a book shop. And Harry Morton is inviting this important executive to dinner tonight to make a good impression on him. Wouldn't it be funny if they turned out to be the same man? It better be funny or I'll certainly speak to my writers!

George Burns: [Gracie blathers on about her Uncle Harvey] And now, Gracie, say goodnight.
Gracie Allen: You don't want to hear about the job he had helping that plumber? Well, the only reason he lost the job is because he did what the plumber told him to.
George Burns: That's why he LOST it?
Gracie Allen: Well, yes. You see, what happened was they were trying to hammer some pipe through a hole in the wall, so the plumber held it and he said to Uncle Harvey, "Now, when I nod my head, you hit it with that big hammer."
George Burns: So?
Gracie Allen: So the plumber did and Uncle Harvey did.
George Burns: And Uncle Harvey isn't working for the plumber anymore.
Gracie Allen: There is no plumber anymore!


"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: With or Without Glasses (#8.9)" (1957)
George Burns: How are you coming along with your college work this term?
Ronnie Burns: Oh, great! Better than last year.
George Burns: That bad, huh?

Gracie Allen: George, there's a very lovely dinner-dress at Magnon's that I'd like to buy, but if you raise Ronnie's allowance, I won't get it.
George Burns: Say no more. Ronnie, your allowance is raised five bucks a week.
Gracie Allen: Oh, so that's the kinda of a man you are, huh? You're willing to squander money on your son, but your wife can go around in rags!

Ronnie Burns: I can't go on letting you work and slave for my education. Dad, you're getting old!
George Burns: Well, I've been doing it for years and nobody cared before.


"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Christmas with Mamie Kelly (#2.7)" (1951)
Harry von Zell: It's a big thrill for Julie, she's just been dying to meet the star of the Carnation television show!
George Burns: Why, thank you.
Harry von Zell: You know, George is her husband.

Jill Kelly: Tell us a story, Aunt Gracie!
Gracie Allen: Well, alright. I know a lot of stories that I used to know when I was a little girl. Now, which one do you want to hear?
Jill Kelly: Dickens' Christmas Carol.
Gracie Allen: Oh, yes. Isn't that the one that starts, "Once upon a time," and it ends with, "and they lived happily ever after?"
George Burns: Yeah, I think that's the one, yes.
Gracie Allen: Yeah... Now if I could just remember that part in between.

Gracie Allen: Once upon a time, on a beautiful Christmas morning, Scrooge and Bob Cratchit and Tiny Tim went for a walk in the woods while their breakfast was cooling. So, while they were gone, a dear little girl came and knocked on the door. And naturally, nobody answered so she went inside to see who it was, and...
George Burns: Gracie, that's not the way I heard it.
Gracie Allen: Who told it to you?
George Burns: My mother.
Gracie Allen: Oh. Well, this is by Dickens... So, this little girl saw the breakfast cooling and she decided to taste it. So she tried the first bowl and it was too hot, and she tried the second bowl and it was too cold, and she tried the third bowl and it was just right and she ate it all up!
George Burns: That was Goldilocks.
Gracie Allen: No, it was porridge... Well anyway, this poor little girl had two rich step-sisters and then along came Prince Charming with a glass slipper, so he tried it on the first step-sister and it was too hot, and he tried it on the second step-sister and it was too cold, and he tried it on the poor little girl and it just fit! And she married him and guess who got all the money?
George Burns: Walt Disney.


We're Not Dressing (1934)
Gracie Martin: [seeing Doris Worthington in a pit] We just caught Tarzan's mate!
George Martin: Tarzan is a character in a book.
Gracie Martin: Well, maybe he got out!

George Martin: [watching through binoculars] Gracie, my gun! A bird!
Gracie Martin: What?
George Martin: A bird! A bird!
Gracie Martin: O, my goodness. Here.
[hands him a live duck]
George Martin: Not a duck. My gun! How can you shoot with a duck?
Gracie Martin: Well, my father used to shoot ducks. But maybe that duck wasn't loaded, eh?
George Martin: The duck wasn't loaded but I'd like to bet that your father was.
Gracie Martin: Well, if he wasn't then why did the duck shoot my father because I always thought...
George Martin: Quiet! Quiet! Well, I missed him. He's gone and that was a stratospheric duck and very rare.
Gracie Martin: Well, I am just as glad that you missed him because I don't like rare ducks. I like my ducks well-done.
Gracie Martin: Now, take my uncle.
George Martin: *You* take your uncle.
Gracie Martin: They did.

Gracie Martin: My uncle is a hunter.
George Martin: I'd rather not hear about it.
Gracie Martin: My uncle always goes out duck hunting. Now, Monday he takes four dogs, and Tuesday he takes three dogs, and Wednesday...
George Martin: Gracie! Gracie, why does he take four dogs Monday and three dogs Tuesday?
Gracie Martin: Well, because the other dog won't follow him on Tuesday.
George Martin: Why?
Gracie Martin: Because he shot him on Monday.
George Martin: Nice work. He aims at little innocent birds and shoots dogs.
Gracie Martin: Yeah, all except one dog. His favorite dog. His name is Scram.
George Martin: Your uncle's name is Scram?
Gracie Martin: Oh stop, no, the *dog's* name is Scram. You see, that saves my uncle a lot of money calling him Scram.
George Martin: Because the dog's name is Scram that saves your uncle a lot of money?
Gracie Martin: For sure. You see, when he calls the dog to feed, he hollers "Scram, Scram" and the dog runs away.


"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Softening the Professor (#8.26)" (1958)
George Burns: [monologue] You know, when I went to school I flunked in American History, but I had a legitimate reason. I failed in it because of bad penmanship. The girl I was sitting in back of knew all the answers, but her handwriting was so bad, I couldn't read them. Imagine me flunking in American History. When I was a kid, there was so little of it.

George Burns: If anybody wants me I'll be up in the den.
Gracie Allen: Alright, dear. And if you leave without telling me, be sure to let me know.

Gracie Allen: Grandma Mamie could do tricks shooting with pistols, rifles, shotguns, revolvers, bows and arrows - and she could even shoot with a porcupine!
George Burns: A porcupine? How did she do that?
Gracie Allen: Oh, it was easy. She'd just aim the porcupine at whatever she wanted to hit and then she'd pinch it in the right spot until it shot all its quills.
George Burns: That sounds like a pretty dangerous weapon.
Gracie Allen: Yeah, but she had trouble reloading it.
George Burns: Well, how do you reload a porcupine?
Gracie Allen: How do you load it in the first place?


"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: The Texan Italian (#8.3)" (1957)
George Burns: Take this new star, Sophia Loren... Did ya notice that every time you see a picture of her, she's always wearing wet clothes? They must do nothing but pour water on her!

George Burns: You know, this country has become so foreign that it's hard to realize that it was first discovered by that great American, Christopher Columbus.

Harry Morton: George, I have something I feel you should know.
George Burns: Oh, well, have a stool pigeon. I mean, take a chair.


"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Rumba Lessons (#1.7)" (1950)
Gracie Allen: George, could I have the car keys? I have to go downtown.
George Burns: Oh, you haven't renewed your driver's license. If they catch you without a license, they'll throw ya in jail.
Gracie Allen: Well, I'll drive so fast they can't catch me!

George Burns: What's that?
Gracie Allen: Electric cords, I had them shortened. This one's for the iron and this one's for the floor lamp and this one's for the table lamp...
George Burns: Well, why did you shorten them?
Gracie Allen: To save electricity!

George Burns: I'd be glad to drive you downtown but I've got some work to do.
Gracie Allen: Well, then let me use the car. I'm a very careful driver, its the other people who are careless.
George Burns: Look, Gracie...
Gracie Allen: You know, last week I was driving down a one-way street and every car I met was going the wrong way!


Christmas Carol (1978) (TV)
W.C. Fields as Scrooge: He once told me to treat the warehouse like it was my own.
Humphrey Bogart: What did you do?
W.C. Fields as Scrooge: I sold it.

Paul Lynde as Bob Cratchit: Do you know he's so cheap he even has a burglar alarm on his garbage cans?

Oliver Hardy: We were wondering if you would like to make a small donation for the poor.
W.C. Fields as Scrooge: Ah, no.
Stan Laurel: In that case, how would you like to make a large donation?
W.C. Fields as Scrooge: Not interested. When I give to charity I wish to remain anonymous. That's why I don't give anything.
Oliver Hardy: But sir! What are we going to tell the poor, the needy and the destitute?
W.C. Fields as Scrooge: Ah, tell them to use Hamburger Helper.
Stan Laurel: Well that a wonderful idea Ollie. I bet they never thought of that!


"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Trip to Palm Springs (#2.12)" (1952)
George Burns: Gracie! Dr. Johnson is here with Mary Benny's dog!
Dr. Johnson: Oh Mr. Burns, please, we never use the word d-o-g in front of them.
George Burns: Well, what do they think they are, c-o-w's?

George Burns: Guess what Gracie is taking with her. Twelve dark blue water tumblers! Blanche told her that the sun in Palm Springs is very bright and she better take some dark glasses.

Gracie Allen: You know, every time I see Errol Flynn, he reminds me of George.
George Burns: Really?
Gracie Allen: Yes, he always says, "How's your husband?"


"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Lucille Vanderlip Gives a Barbeque Party (#5.39)" (1955)
George Burns: I've been trying to make a call for the last hour and somebody is using our telephone.
Gracie Allen: Oh, it's Blanche.
George Burns: I'm gonna lose my temper, hasn't she got one of her own?
Gracie Allen: Oh yeah, she has a very bad temper, so don't say anything to upset her or she'll never get off the phone.

George Burns: If Gracie thinks that I believe the barbecue is gonna be at the Vanderlips', she must think I'm a bigger sap than I ever thought she thinks I am.

George Burns: My hobby is singing - I love to sing! Now there's a hobby that gives me a lot of pleasure. And it costs me nothing but all of my friends.


"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Gracie & George Try for a Day at the Beach (#5.33)" (1955)
George Burns: Have you been hitting that blackberry cordial?
Harry Morton: Certainly not! I speak this way because I'm filled with antipathy!
George Burns: That must be stronger than the other stuff.

Gracie Allen: I remember one Sunday my sister Hazel went to the beach, and she took along her two boys, Albert and Ed. Well, we buried Albert in the sand and then Ed would go in the water, and then we'd bury Ed and Albert would go in the water, and then we'd bury Albert and Ed would go in the water. Well, that went on all day.
George Burns: What was the idea?
Gracie Allen: They only had one bathing suit.
George Burns: I see what you mean.
Gracie Allen: And you know, one time we buried Albert and forgot where we buried him and Ed was arrested!
George Burns: Why?
Gracie Allen: Well, Albert was wearing the bathing suit.

Gracie Allen: The world lost a great man when he was born.
George Burns: The world lost a great man when he... I pass that line, I wouldn't touch it for a million dollars!


"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: The Home Graduation (#7.38)" (1957)
George Burns: I told my wife to stay out of this and she always listens to me so she went right over to see you.

[George turns on his TV and spies on Jack Benny]
Jack Benny: George, have you got me on that silly television set of yours?
George Burns: That's right, Jack.
Jack Benny: But I'm not on tonight, I'm on Sunday night.
George Burns: I know, but my set is a day slow.
Jack Benny: Oh. Well, as long as I'm here, my fee for a guest appearance is...
[George turns off the TV]
Jack Benny: Now, cut that out!
George Burns: Remember, if he sues me, you didn't see him. I can't afford it.


"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Misunderstanding Over Buying Mountain Cabin (#3.27)" (1953)
George Burns: [monologue] I'd say that the majority of all domestic arguments start at the breakfast table. I knew a fellow who kept his face buried in the newspaper every morning- he never even looked up. His wife finally left him, and he didn't know it, until he read it in the paper four days later.

[last lines]
George Burns: Well, Gracie, now that everything is peaceful and quiet, would you like to go to a movie?
Gracie Allen: Why, I'd love to!
George Burns: Would you like to see 'Hans Christian Andersen' with Danny Kaye?
Gracie Allen: I'd rather see it with you.


"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Going to Houston (#7.29)" (1957)
George Burns: Gracie, can I have my lunch? I got a lot of work to do this afternoon.
Gracie Allen: Lunch? Lunch! A boy's future is at stake and all you think of is lunch! Can't you get your mind out of your stomach?
George Burns: If it was in there, I wouldn't be hungry.

Gracie Allen: You know, sometimes, George Burns, I don't understand you at all!
George Burns: Sometimes I can say the same thing.
Gracie Allen: Well, if you can't even understand yourself, you're worse off than I thought!


"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: The Burnses and Mortons Going to Hawaii (#5.40)" (1955)
Harry Morton: Why George, I'm covered with mortification!
George Burns: Under that shirt, nobody'll notice.

Harry von Zell: You were the intercollegiate middleweight boxing champion. Why don't you beat this fella up and throw him out?
Harry Morton: Well, I tried that once but that stupid Roger had never heard of my record and he knocked the stuffing out of me.
Harry von Zell: George, what about you?
George Burns: Oh, I wouldn't hit Harry Morton. I know about his record.


The George Burns Show (1960) (TV)
Jack Benny: I love your singing. I think you've got a style that's your own - you got a great voice!
George Burns: You do?
Jack Benny: Sure! I've never told you this, but after a golf game when you take a shower at Hillcrest Country Club, I always take the shower next to yours.
George Burns: Just to hear me sing?
Jack Benny: I don't even turn on the water.
George Burns: Really, Jack?
Jack Benny: George, many a day I've come home to Mary dirty but happy!

Bobby Darin: I owe most of my success to just one man, I truly do.
George Burns: Bobby, you don't have to say that.
Bobby Darin: Yes, I do, sir. Cuz, after all, where would I be without the guy that wrote "Mac the Knife?"


"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: The Ladies' Club (#6.22)" (1956)
Ronnie Burns: It's no use, Mother, we just can't surprise him. Dad, why are you always so calm? Why doesn't anything ever startle you?
George Burns: For a boy with a mother like yours, that's a pretty silly question.

Gracie Allen: George, did you know that male and female skunks fall in love with each other because of thier sense of smell?
George Burns: Oh, really?
Gracie Allen: Yeah, they don't have any.


"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Gracie the Artist (#1.2)" (1950)
George Burns: You know, Blanche Morton is played by Bea Benaderet, and as Blanche Morton she's not supposed to like me, but off the stage as Bea Benaderet... she doesn't like me at all!

George Burns: [to audience] Gracie and I will be back again in two weeks - and you were just charming. Now Gracie, what do you think of television?
Gracie Allen: Oh, I think it's wonderful! You know, I hardly ever watch radio anymore.


"Startime: George Burns in the Big Time (#1.7)" (1959/I)
George Burns: I came from a very big family. There were 12 of us children, 7 sisters and 5 brothers, and we were very close. We had to be, we lived in three rooms.

George Burns: At my age, I couldn't start fishing and playing golf. I'm too old to retire.
Gracie Allen: Too old! Why, he's got years and years of retirement left in him!


Here Comes Cookie (1935)
George Burns: I just lost my mind.
Gracie Allen: What a shame. Where did you have it last?

George Burns: What's the matter? Don't you feel well? I've never seen that expression on your face before.
Gracie Allen: I'm thinking.
George Burns: Oh, well, maybe that's it.


"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Perry & Pete/Gracie's Cousins/Sneak Thieves (#3.35)" (1953)
George Burns: Gracie, why does your mother ask you to do her shopping here? Aren't there any stores up in San Francisco?
Gracie Allen: Well sure, but I can't keep running up there every time she wants something.

George Burns: I'm going down to the store to get some cigars and stamps.
Gracie Allen: Oh, who are you gonna mail them to?
George Burns: I'm gonna smoke them myself.
Gracie Allen: Oh.
George Burns: Aren't you gonna ask me why I'm gonna smoke stamps?
Gracie Allen: Why should I? I've done one or two silly things in my life too!


College Holiday (1936)
George Hymen: All I want to know is why are we riding in a chariot with four white horses when there are hundreds of taxi cabs?
Calliope 'Gracie' Dove: Well, four horses couldn't get into a taxi cab. Even if they had money!

George Hymen: Why are you driving so fast?
Calliope 'Gracie' Dove: Well, I want to get to my daddy before I have an accident.


"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: The Publicity Romance (#7.34)" (1957)
George Burns: [monologue] You know, when I was breaking into show business, I figured out a little stunt, myself. I had a lot of cards printed to give out to booking agents and theater managers, and they were made out of fine linen with engraved lettering, and it said, "Be the first one to hire George Burns." My friends thought they were too expensive, but they weren't. Those cards lasted me seven years.

Ronnie Burns: I don't know what to do. She's beautiful and sweet and charming, but sometimes she mixes me up so I just don't know where I am.
George Burns: Why don't you do what I did? Marry the girl!
Gracie Allen: Oh George, don't give Ronnie wrong advice. You know you married ME!


"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Gracie Reports Car Stolen (#3.25)" (1953)
George Burns: [monologue] Once I played with a magician, the Amazing Alberto. He had a beautiful wife. Now, he wouldn't go on the stage, unless his wife was sitting in the front row. I asked him when the superstition started. He said, "About eight years ago, when I caught her kissing the electrician backstage".

George Burns: [monologue] I've gotta get to Palm Springs. My writers are waiting for me. They've been down there for a week, and so far all they've written is my name on the bottom of all the restaurant checks. Those five guys need me - I'm the only one who can type.


The George Burns Special (1976) (TV)
George Burns: They say the toughest thing about acting is to be able to laugh and to be able to cry. Well, not for me. If I've got a scene where I have to cry, I just think of my sex life. If I have to laugh, I think of my sex life. I must be a very, very good actor because this morning after taking a shower I looked in the mirror, I laughed and cried at the same time.

George Burns: Let me tell you something, there isn't a thing I can't do now that I didn't do when I was 18. Which gives you an idea how pathetic I was when I was 18.


"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Gracie Wants the House Painted (#5.31)" (1955)
George Burns: Gracie, look we're getting nowhere with this argument. You think I'm wrong, I think you're wrong. Isn't there some way we can agree?
Gracie Allen: There are two ways. We can both think I'm right or we can both think you're wrong!

George Burns: You should give her a piece of your mind.
Harry Morton: I most assuredly will. The brazen arrogance she displayed when she usurped my authority will not go unrebuked!
George Burns: Don't give her that piece, it sounds like it might be valuable.


The George Burns One-Man Show (1977) (TV)
Gladys Knight: George, I don't like that cough. If you don't rest your vocal cords, you might never sing again!
George Burns: Gladys, I don't sing with my vocal cords.
Gladys Knight: Well, whatever it is you sing with, you better rest it.
George Burns: You mean you want me to sit on it?

George Burns: Bob, the truth. Do I look 81?
Bob Hope: Not anymore.


"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Ronnie Meets Sabrina (#6.3)" (1955)
George Burns: Ronnie, why don't you get into something nice? Do you always have to wear that leather jacket and those sneakers?
Ronnie Burns: All the kids in school dress this way, Dad. It's part of the Stanislavsky method.
Gracie Allen: Well, just because Stanislavsky is a sloppy boy, that's no reason for you to be!

George Burns: Louise must have been a very popular girl.
Gracie Allen: Oh, she was! You know, Barney isn't the only man she could have married. She was once engaged to a nearsighted Scotsman, but - oh, they would have been married except he disappeared.
George Burns: What happened to him?
Gracie Allen: Well, who knows? One day while he was in a rowboat he mistook an octopus for his bagpipes, and when he started blowing them, he...
George Burns: Never mind.


"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Appearances Are Deceiving (#6.14)" (1956)
Gracie Allen: How long does it take for a birthday cake to fly to San Francisco?
George Burns: Well, that's a normal, everyday question, so I'll give you a normal, everyday answer. What are you talking about?
Gracie Allen: Well, tomorrow's my sister Hazel's birthday and I mailed her a cake this afternoon. I hope she gets it in time.
George Burns: Hope you didn't light the candles.
Gracie Allen: Oh George, please! There weren't even any candles on the cake. You know Hazel, how she's always trying to hide her age. With all those candles it would remind her of it.
George Burns: So what did you do?
Gracie Allen: Well, I helped her. I baked the candles inside the cake.

Gracie Allen: I saw this man trying to tie a package, so I said, "Can I help you?" And he said, "Oh, I wish you would. I've been working on this knot so long my tongue is hanging out. Would you put your finger on it for me?"
George Burns: Gracie, you didn't!
Gracie Allen: No.
George Burns: Good.
Gracie Allen: Well, I couldn't. When I tried, he wouldn't even open his mouth!


"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Politeness Never Pays (#6.18)" (1956)
Gracie Allen: A wife has to break down her husband's resistance, and I'm gonna keep working on you until you're broken down.
[Gracie walks away]
George Burns: She's a little late for that.

George Burns: The trouble with Women is they want all the courtesies of their sex and all the privelidges of ours.


"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Gracie Helps Lola (#6.8)" (1955)
George Burns: Here's one thing parents can't figure out. Why do their children hate school? We parents have loved it ever since our kids were old enough to go to it.

George Burns: [Gracie discusses each of her aunt's nine husbands] Who was number eight?
Gracie Allen: A doctor, Uncle Leo. Oh, a fine man and very successful.
George Burns: Oh, finally picked a good one, huh?
Gracie Allen: Yes, and they were very happy for several days.
George Burns: Then what happened?
Gracie Allen: Well, then he began coming home every night and telling her everything his patients had told him that day, and it made her very nervous and so she left him.
George Burns: Because his patients talked to him?
Gracie Allen: He was a tree surgeon.
George Burns: Um, who came after Uncle Leo?
Gracie Allen: A couple men in white coats.


"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Jack Benny Steals George's Joke (#2.16)" (1952)
[George and Gracie are on a train]
Gracie Allen: Oh George, I'm on a diet, do you mind if I ride backwards while I eat?
George Burns: What's that got to do with a diet?
Gracie Allen: Well, when you ride backwards, the train keeps pulling you away from the food and you don't eat too much!

George Burns: How do you like that, Jack Benny stealing my opening joke - and a great joke! I can't understand it. We've been friends for years, we've been friends all our lives, we started in vaudeville together. Why, I knew Jack when he was really 39! We had quite a fight up in San Francisco last night, I was gonna take a swing at him but I didn't wanna hit a man with gray hair... but wait 'til I catch him without it!


"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: The Star Maker (#8.6)" (1957)
Gracie Allen: [George comes into the room] So, as I was saying, Bonnie Sue, have you noticed how much weather we've been having lately?
Bonnie Sue McAfee: Yes, and most of it's been nice too!
Gracie Allen: Yeah!
Ronnie Burns: Yeah, except for the days that it's been raining.
Gracie Allen: You know, people are funny, they can have weather 24 hours a day and never get tired of it!
George Burns: This is a real interesting conversation.
Gracie Allen: Oh well, I'm glad you like it, dear, because as long as you stay in this room, that's what you're gonna hear.
George Burns: I'm still not leaving.

Gracie Allen: I've noticed when it gets down below 40, the rest of me is cold too.
George Burns: Gracie, I'm always warm because I've been over 40 for years.


"The Muppet Show: George Burns (#2.10)" (1977)
Scooter: George Burns. George Burns. Twenty seconds to curtain, Mr. Burns.
George Burns: I'm ready.
[noticing Gonzo playing a violin behind him]
George Burns: Excuse me, but... But what is *that*?
The Great Gonzo: [playing violin] It's my new act. Gonzo fiddles while George Burns.
George Burns: I like that joke. It's a pleasure to hear something that's older than I am.

Kermit the Frog: Say, how many of those cigars do you smoke?
George Burns: About twenty a day. At my age, I have to hold on to something.


"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: George Becomes a Dictator (#6.10)" (1955)
Gracie Allen: First we went to Grant's Tomb and then to The Lincoln Tunnel, and I said it was nothing but favoritism.
George Burns: Favoritism?
Gracie Allen: Well, yes. I said, "If they could bury Grant in a tomb, they certainly could have found a better spot for Lincoln."
George Burns: Well, look at where they put poor Washington, under a bridge.
Gracie Allen: Well, that's gratitude for you.

Gracie Allen: The last place we visited was The Statue of Liberty and, George, did you know that there were steps inside and you could climb right up through the body?
George Burns: Sure, I knew that.
Gracie Allen: Well, so I went right up to the top and it was kinda drafty up there and I sneezed and... I had the funniest sensation.
George Burns: Well, what was so funny about it?
Gracie Allen: Well, it was the first time I ever caught cold in somebody else's head.


"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Harry Returns Early (#7.33)" (1957)
George Burns: My idea of an exciting evening is to curl up in a chair with a good book and a glass of warm milk. And the excitement comes from trying to turn the pages of the book without spilling the milk.

George Burns: [to camera] If you think I'm double-crossing Harry Morton, you're right. I know I'm acting mean but next week I come off real kind. Through the entire show I pat a little dog on the head while he's biting me in the ankle.


"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: The Night Out (#6.36)" (1956)
George Burns: We'll eat downstairs at Rumplemeyers.
Ronnie Burns: Oh, I'll be right with you, I just wanna take these slacks off.
Gracie Allen: Oh Ronnie, when you take the slacks off be sure and put on something else because we won't be alone in that restaurant.

George Burns: Acoustics are bad in an empty room, you can hear yourself sing.


"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Gracie Becomes a Portrait Artist After Museum Visit (#5.22)" (1955)
[first lines]
Gracie Allen: [finishing breakfast at the kitchen table] Did you enjoy your breakfast?
George Burns: Delicious.
Gracie Allen: Would you like some more eggs, Dear?
George Burns: [extending his cup to Gracie] No, thanks. How about some coffee?
Gracie Allen: [peering into George's cup] Oh, thanks - but you hardly have enough for yourself.

[last lines]
George Burns: Why should 'Dragnet' be the only show that has suspense?


"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: The Kleebob Card Game (#1.1)" (1950)
George Burns: You see, to be a straight man you have to have a talent, you have to develop this talent, then you gotta marry her like I did.

George Burns: A book salesman. Hmm. Going up to our house? Is he silly enough to try to sell Gracie a book? Yes he is - if he was smart he'd turn around and run. You heard of that play "Death of a Salesman"? Trying to sell something to Gracie is what killed him.


"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Gracie Thinks Harry Morton Is in Love With Her (#3.14)" (1953)
George Burns: Say, Blanche, I found out about Gracie and Harry, and I'm going over to kill him.
Blanche Morton: Oh, well, George, could you wait a little while? He's doing the dishes.

George Burns: I guess kleptomaniacs run in your family?
Gracie Allen: They have to.


"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: One Little Fight (#8.8)" (1957)
Gracie Allen: Oh, now you see, George, you're not married to an ordinary woman!
George Burns: I know, that's why I love you.


"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Gracie Buying a Ranch for George (#3.23)" (1953)
George Burns: Oh, the fellas in San Quintin, they love him, I guess?
Gracie Allen: Yes. Do you know that he figured out a way where they could break rocks without working?
George Burns: What was his plan?
Gracie Allen: Well, um, you wrap the rocks in packages, mark them 'Fragile' and send them through the mail.


"The Simpsons: Rosebud (#5.4)" (1993)
Clifford Burns: Oh well. At least we still have his little brother George.
George Burns: [singing] Buh-buh-buh. Oh the sunshine's bright on my old Kentucky home. Buh-buh-buh.
[Ends singing]
George Burns: Trust me, it'll be funny when I'm an old man.


"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Gracie Adopts Great Dane Dog (#5.26)" (1955)
George Burns: This is a very gentle animal. Did you try to pat him on the head?
Harry Morton: Just before he pounced on me!
George Burns: Well that'll do it. Never pat a strange dog on the head! You see, put your hand down below his eyes, show him that it's empty, and then he'll know that you're not gonna hurt him.
Harry von Zell: That's right. Then when that hand's gone, you can show him the other one!


"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Gracie Plays Talent Scout for Imitator (#5.32)" (1955)
George Burns: You always said I was a great judge of talent!
Harry von Zell: Well George, you are. My gosh, only a stupid man would say that you aren't a great judge of talent, and you certainly never have been one. I, uh, don't mean that you've never been a great judge of talent, I mean a stupid man, because you certainly are one. A great judge of talent, that is. Well, if I wasn't a stupid man, I couldn't say this. I mean, if I - if I wasn't a - uh, uh... Well, don't stand there, get me out of this!


"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Von Zell's Raises (#7.12)" (1956)
George Burns: Gracie, Ronnie and some of the kids are going up to Big Bear and they're looking for a chaperone.
Gracie Allen: Oh, well, I doubt if you'll find one up there. You'd be better off taking one with you.
George Burns: Uh, they want me as a chaperone.
Gracie Allen: Oh Ronnie, you couldn't have made a better choice! On our honeymoon he chaperoned my mother and me and we had a wonderful time!


"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Gracie Thinks Bob Cummings Is in Love with Her (#5.13)" (1954)
Gracie Allen: You've got to hold onto what you've got, like my Uncle Frank did. Now how about the time his cow was on the railroad track and the train was coming, and there was no time to get the cow off the track - did he give up? No, he sat right down and milked her for the last time.
George Burns: Well, that was holding onto what he had.
Gracie Allen: Well, of course! It wasn't his fault the train knocked her right out of his hands!
George Burns: Was Uncle Frank badly hurt?
Gracie Allen: Well, who knows? They buried him without finding out.


"The Muppet Show: Juliet Prowse (#1.1)" (1977)
Mildred: You're such a smooth dancer. Ever since we've started I feel like my feet have never touched the floor.
George: They haven't. You've been standing on mine!


"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Morton Buys Iron Deer/Gracie Thinks George Needs Glasses (#4.1)" (1953)
Gracie Allen: [a new actor plays the part of Harry Morton] You know, George, I've been confused all day.
George Burns: I don't believe it.
Gracie Allen: There's something entirely different about Harry Morton this week. I finally figured out what it is. He never wore brown shoes before.
George Burns: Say goodnight, Gracie.


"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: The Beverly Hills Uplift Society (#2.2)" (1951)
George Burns: Mrs. McEveety's very rich though. Her husband left her a beautiful home in Bel Air, two Cadillac cars, plenty of money. He left her practically everything, the only thing he took with him was the upstairs maid.


"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Invitation to the Party (#8.14)" (1957)
George Burns: Gracie has got a little system, first she does something and then she figures out how she's gonna do it. And to make it just a little more interesting, she never figures out how she's gonna do it until she does it. Now that kind of figuring might be a little confusing to you, but I've been married to Gracie for a lot of years and I know why you're confused. Because so am I.


"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: September and May (#8.5)" (1957)
Gracie Allen: You know, that man at the store was so silly! When I told him I wanted to paint my garden gate, he asked me if I wanted white paint or cream.
George Burns: And you said, "You don't put cream on gates, you put it on strawberries."
Gracie Allen: How did you know, dear?
George Burns: I think the way you do.
Gracie Allen: Oh sure! You know, when two people are as close as we are, we only need one brain between us.
George Burns: It's lucky we've got that.


"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Gracie Gets a Ticket 'Fixed' by the Judge (#5.28)" (1955)
Gracie Allen: I always tell you everything.
George Burns: What about last week, when you spent twenty-five dollars for a new hat? First you told me you found it on a bus, then you told me you made it out of an old feather-duster, then you said you were passing The May Company and it blew out and landed on your head!
Gracie Allen: I did?
George Burns: Yeah, you did. So you see, you don't tell me everything.
Gracie Allen: It was everything I could think of at the time!


"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Christmas in Jail (#7.16)" (1956)
The Man in Jail: Hey, bud! What are you in for?
George Burns: Stupidity.


"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Gracie Gets a Business Manager (#4.6)" (1953)
[Gracie looks in a book and plans a world trip]
Gracie Allen: Oh, here's Italy! Oh, we'll have a wonderful time listening to the beautiful music while we're riding in one of those Gorgonzolas on the canals of Venice.
George Burns: Gorgonzola is a cheese.
Gracie Allen: Well, what do you care as long as it doesn't leak?


"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Hypnotizing Gracie (#8.21)" (1958)
George Burns: You know, Ronnie, I hate to say this but you tell jokes badly. You don't take after your mother.
Ronnie Burns: No, I guess I take after you.


"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Teenage Girl Spends the Weekend (#1.16)" (1951)
George Burns: [Aside] You know, universal military training is a great idea. It prepares a kid for marriage.


"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Gracie's Engagement Ring (#2.13)" (1952)
Gracie Allen: George?
George Burns: Yeah?
Gracie Allen: Say, tonight after our show can we go see a picture?
George Burns: Sure. Would you like to see the 'Death of a Salesman' with Fredric March?
Gracie Allen: Well, I'd rather go with you, but if you're busy, I'll go with him.


"The Muppet Show: Harvey Korman (#1.10)" (1976)
Mildred: Even though we come from two different worlds, I find myself strangely attracted to you.
George: I feel the same way.
Mildred: You mean you're attracted to me?
George: No, to me! Weird, huh?


"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Gracie Goes to a Psychiatrist (#2.1)" (1951)
George Burns: You know, it's a shame to do a story as great as this just for one night on television. All I gotta do is add a little music, take it to Broadway and with the right handling and the right publicity, I got myself a real flop.


"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Ronnie's Initiation (#7.8)" (1956)
Harry Morton: You and Gracie and your meddling are just as much responsible for my recurrent dilemmas as Blanche is herself. Oh, it's useless to try to reason with a person of your mentality. You are not just a man, you are a hopeless buffoon, a clod, a bungling oaf!
George Burns: Thanks, and I sing and dance too, y'know!


"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: George Teaches Gracie Not to Start Rumors (#4.40)" (1954)
George Burns: Gracie told me you were looking for me.
Blanche Morton: Go ahead, Harry. Tell him what we think of him.
Harry Morton: No, Blanche, you'd better tell him. I have trouble getting through to him. Once I told him he was abominable and he shook my hand and thanked me for the compliment.


"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Ronnie's Twenty-One (#7.43)" (1957)
Gracie Allen: That's life. Time passes and the baby bird must leave its nest, the butterfly its cocoon and the little sardine its can, and all we mothers can do is stand by the shore and wave goodbye.
George Burns: To the bird, the butterfly or the sardine?


Walking the Baby (1933)
George: I'll bet - I'll bet that I'm the first fellow that ever kissed you.
Mamie: Oh, you are.
George: I believe it, too.
Mamie: Yeah, and you're the first fellow that ever believed it, too.


"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Too Many Fathers (#8.18)" (1958)
George Burns: If my wife can't get you out of this mess, I'm sure she can get you into a few that she can't get you out of.


"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Gracie Gets an Extension Visa for Jeanette Duval (#5.37)" (1955)
Gracie Allen: One time my uncle ran away at 9 to join the circus.
George Burns: At 9?
Gracie Allen: Yes, but he missed his wife and children so much that at 9:30 he was home again.


"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: George Needs Glasses (#6.20)" (1956)
George Burns: Ronnie, haven't you noticed that marriage is a series of compromises?
Ronnie Burns: Yes, Dad, and you make them beautifully.


"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Gracie Trying to Get George to Go on Trip East (#3.37)" (1953)
[last lines]
George Burns: [speaking to the audience] Isn't this a sad ending?


"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Changing Names (#6.4)" (1955)
George Burns: [Gracie is on the phone with Blanche] Gracie, can't you talk to Blanche in our bedroom?
Gracie Allen: No, she's not in our bedroom. If she were she wouldn't call me on the phone, she'd just stick her head out.


"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: The English Playwright (#6.25)" (1956)
George Burns: Harry, I'm a little worried about you. How are you gonna feed those two faces of yours now that you're out of a job?


"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: The Romance of Harry Morton and Countess Braganni (#5.24)" (1955)
[last lines]
George Burns: [breaking the 4th wall] Surprised how it came out? We had another finish, and it was funnier, - but the show was two minutes too long.


"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Blanche Wants New Car/Gracie Gets Von Zell a Wife (#3.20)" (1953)
[last lines]
George Burns: [turning to the audience] You know, if this show had ended four lines sooner, I'd have saved fifteen-hundred dollars.


"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: The Property Tax Assessor (#1.3)" (1950)
George Burns: [Referring to his monologue] On radio I could have done this entire bit sitting on a chair.


"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Silky Thompson/Gracie Writes 'My Life with George Burns' (#3.10)" (1952)
George Burns: [Aside] That must have been Gracie's idea. She's about as subtle as a gravy sandwich.


"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: The General (#8.1)" (1957)
George Burns: Comedy is out, it's finished, it's over, it's through. Take comedians like Jackie Gleason and Sid Caesar, they made a horrible mistake last year - they were funny, they got laughs! Thank goodness that during my career I never made that mistake.


"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: New Dresses for the Concert (#2.6)" (1951)
George Burns: If husbands and wives would be absolutely honest, cut out all dissension and tell each other everything, there'd be very few unhappy marriages. Also very few marriages.


"The Jack Benny Program: Burns and Allen Show (#4.11)" (1954)
Jack Benny: [in the dressing room] George, did you find Gracie?
George Burns: Not yet.
Jack Benny: I can't understand it. Gracie was here yesterday for rehearsal. She knew the show was on today. Now, where in the world could she have gone?
George Burns: Don't you try to understand Gracie. She might be in Montreal, by now.
Jack Benny: In Montreal?
George Burns: When she left the house this morning, she said she was going out to buy some Canadian bacon.
Jack Benny: What? Grace thinks to get Canadian bacon, you have to go to Canada?
George Burns: I once told her I liked Philadelphia cream cheese - I didn't see her for two weeks.


"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Questions and Answers (#6.37)" (1956)
Gracie Allen: In school, I got very good marks in literature and I would've done much better if I wasn't distracted by that little Ernie Bergman.
George Burns: What did he do to distract you?
Gracie Allen: Well, how would you feel if the boy who sat in front of you kept dipping his pigtails into the inkwells?
George Burns: The boy - and he had pigtails?
Gracie Allen: He used to bring them to school; his father was a butcher.


"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Gracie and the Jury (#8.29)" (1958)
George Burns: [monologue] I still can't get over Gracie being on the jury. Now I know why Justice has that bandage around her eyes - she doesn't want to see what's going on.


"George Burns Comedy Week: The Dynamite Girl" (1985)
George Burns: When they asked me to do the show, I was a little hesitant. I said, "What if the show's no good?" They said, "That's never stopped you before."


"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: The Income Tax Man (#1.12)" (1951)
Ralph Hanley: I've finished you income taxes.
George Burns: [reads the sheet] We owe the government 3 refrigerators of whipped Carnation?


"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: McAfee and the Manicurist (#8.17)" (1958)
George Burns: People are always asking, "What's the right age for marriage?" That's like asking, "What's the right age for appendicitis?" When it hits you, it hits you.


"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Gracie on Train/Murder (#3.19)" (1953)
George Burns: Well, in about fifteen minutes, Gracie should be home and things will be back to abnormal again.


"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Divorce Attorney (#2.19)" (1952)
George Burns: [George is dressed as a swami] I'd better be careful with this cigar. I can just see the headline, "Beard Lights Up and George Burns." This may not be too funny now, but when we did it twenty years ago it was pathetic!


"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Gracie Helps Morton Get CPA Account (#4.2)" (1953)
[first lines]
George Burns: [looking into the bag of groceries that Gracie brought home] Hey, you did a lot of shopping. What'd you buy?
Gracie Allen: Oh, some potatoes, and peas, and a bottle of bourbon, some corn...
George Burns: Bottle of bourbon?
Gracie Allen: Yeah, I'm fixing stewed chicken for dinner tonight.


"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: The Triple Surprise Party (#6.38)" (1956)
[There's confusion about the guest of honor at Harry Morton's birthday party]
George Burns: So here's what happened. See, Blanche wanted to give Harry a surprise party, but she wouldn't tell it to Gracie because she knew Gracie couldn't keep a secret...
Gracie Allen: I couldn't keep a secret? Why, I can keep a secret better than anybody in this room! Why, when I went down to change Ronnie's presents, I bought myself three dresses and I'm gonna keep it a secret from George until... until...
George Burns: Until when?
Gracie Allen: Until I get him in a room with a crowd of people around and he can't do anything about it.


"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: The Interview (#7.7)" (1956)
George Burns: Well, Gracie, Halloween'll be here the day after tomorrow. What do you think we ought to do?
Gracie Allen: What's the difference? No matter what we do, it'll be here the day after tomorrow anyhow.


"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Vanderlip Buys Black Negligee for His Wife (#4.30)" (1954)
Mr. Vanderlip: George, if you don't mind, there's something I've always wanted to ask you.
George Burns: Because I happen to love her, that's why.


"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: The Woman in the Car (#7.6)" (1956)
Harry Morton: George, as a rule I'm an unemotional man, but on this occasion I feel I would be remiss in my duty if I didn't assure you straightforwardly that you are an unparalleled example of camaraderie and possess all the instincts of a true Samaritan.
George Burns: I've been so nice to you, why are you getting so nasty?
Harry Morton: George, you are an encouragable buffoon!
George Burns: Now, that's better!


"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Space Patrol Kids Visit (#1.24)" (1951)
George Burns: The only game I remember playing when I was a kid was Cops and Robbers. Of course, in my neighborhood we used real cops.


"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Mrs. Sohmers Needs a Psychologist (#6.39)" (1956)
George Burns: I don't want to be anything that I'm not. Now, I'm a singer, that's a talent I was born with... and that's the one I'm dying with.


"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: The Football Game (#2.3)" (1951)
[George picks up a thermos]
George Burns: What have you got in here?
Gracie Allen: Hot coffee for the game tonight.
George Burns: All you've got in here are brown ice cubes.
Gracie Allen: Sure, that's my own idea. You see, the minute the coffee starts to boil, I freeze it. Then when it melts it's nice and hot!


"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Anniversary Party (#6.9)" (1955)
Gracie Allen: I'll be right back.
George Burns: Gracie, where are you going?
Gracie Allen: Well, I, um - I just remembered I left the stove in the kitchen.


"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: A Box of Cigars (#8.10)" (1957)
Harry von Zell: You wouldn't fire me three weeks before Christmas!
George Burns: Oh no, no, no. You're entitled to two week's notice, so I'll fire you a week before Christmas.


"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: An English Tea (#8.4)" (1957)
George Burns: It's autumn and the leaves change colors and so does Ronnie - he goes from blondes to brunettes to redheads.


"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Company for Christmas (#6.12)" (1955)
Ronnie Burns: Dad, I'm afraid you'll never appreciate our point of view because to you life has always been fun.
Jim Boardman: And it's not true, Mr. Burns. Life is a series of grim realities. My play will show that life is dull and dreary and monotonous and tiresome and drab.
George Burns: If you write the way you talk, you got a hit.


"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: The Magic Act (#6.31)" (1956)
George Burns: You're gonna retire?
Gracie Allen: Yes, this hard work is too much for me. You see, you're a man and you're strong, but I'm a woman.
George Burns: Isn't this decision kind of sudden?
Gracie Allen: No! No, I decided to be a woman when I was still a little girl.


"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: George Gets Call from Unknown Victor (#5.11)" (1954)
George Burns: I'm a pretty good businessman. A few years ago they wanted me to invest some money in a Broadway show, but I knew a western didn't have a chance on Broadway so I turned it down. They went right ahead and they did "Oklahoma" without me.


"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: The Plumber's Union (#7.32)" (1957)
George Burns: Gracie, what's going on?
Gracie Allen: Oh George, that's a very good question! Now see if you can think of a very good answer.