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Quotes for
Samuel 'Soapy Sam' Ballard, Q.C. (Character)
from "Rumpole of the Bailey" (1978)

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"Rumpole of the Bailey: Rumpole on Trial (#7.6)" (1992)
Samuel Ballard Q.C.: Ah, judge. This is a great day for Equity Court. We're celebrating Mrs. Claude Erskine-Brown elevated to the bench...
Mr. Justice Graves: Yes...
Samuel Ballard Q.C.: ...and her husband in silk.
Mr. Justice Graves: [Taken by surprise] Claude Erskine-Brown?
[With total disdain]
Mr. Justice Graves: They must be giving away silk gowns with pounds of tea!

[last lines]
Mr. Justice Graves: [referring to Rumpole] Will he never learn?
Samuel Ballard Q.C.: [With grudging affection] I'm afraid, never!

[Ballard is defending Rumpole at the disciplinary tribunal]
Samuel Ballard Q.C.: You are known in some quarters as "The Quality of Mercy". Now if there were to be a most humble, contrite apology...
Mr. Justice Oliphant: Rumpole would rather be disbarred than apologise to me.
Samuel Ballard Q.C.: But if he would...
Mr. Justice Oliphant: [gleefully] If he would, it would give him more genuine grief and pain than anything else in the world. I'd enjoy seeing that, I really would.


"Rumpole of the Bailey: Rumpole and the Age of Miracles (#5.3)" (1988)
Samuel 'Soapy Sam' Ballard Q.C.: I believe it is the first time in our long history, Rumpole, that these chambers have contained... a chancellor!
[Rumpole is so shocked, he sits down]
Samuel 'Soapy Sam' Ballard Q.C.: Yes, Rumpole, unworthy as I am.
Horace Rumpole: [regaining his composure] Well, that's the understatement of the year!

Horace Rumpole: I happen to have a good deal of faith.
Samuel 'Soapy Sam' Ballard Q.C.: Yes, in what precisely?
Horace Rumpole: The health-giving qualities of claret, of course, the presumption of innocence, and not having to clock into chambers in the morning.


"Rumpole of the Bailey: Rumpole and the Right to Silence (#6.3)" (1991)
Samuel 'Soapy Sam' Ballard, Q.C.: [Nervously] Yes...Rumpole, what's your opinion about secrets in married life?
Horace Rumpole: Absolutely essential!

Samuel 'Soapy Sam' Ballard, Q.C.: I mean, Rumpole, how do you find marriage?
Horace Rumpole: [laughs] In my experience, you don't find it - it finds you. It comes creeping up unexpectedly and seizes you by the collar.


"Rumpole of the Bailey: Rumpole for the Prosecution (#6.6)" (1991)
Samuel 'Soapy Sam' Ballard, Q.C.: The danger here is passive alcoholism. You have heard of passive smoking?
Horace Rumpole: Yes, I heard of it, but personally I prefer the active variety.


"Rumpole of the Bailey: Rumpole and the Barrow Boy (#5.2)" (1988)
Samuel 'Soapy Sam' Ballard, Q.C.: His marriage is on the rocks, Rumpole, and when a fellow's marriage is on the rocks, he can't always be trusted with a cheque.
Claude Erskine-Brown: Indeed.
Horace Rumpole: Oh, really? How's your marriage, Ballard?
Samuel 'Soapy Sam' Ballard, Q.C.: Well, you know perfectly well, Rumpole, I'm a bachelor.
Horace Rumpole: Then aren't you in the position of a lifelong vegetarian giving us your recipe for steak and kidney pie?


"Rumpole of the Bailey: Rumpole and the Children of the Devil (#7.1)" (1992)
Samuel 'Soapy Sam' Ballard Q.C.: Rumpole, there is something in this room that makes me feel uneasy.
Horace Rumpole: Yes I know - but perhaps you'll be going in a minute.


"Rumpole of the Bailey: Rumpole and the Official Secret (#4.3)" (1987)
Samuel 'Soapy Sam' Ballard, Q.C.: Look here, Rumpole, I would advise you to take this matter seriously!
Horace Rumpole: [angrily] And I would advise you, Bollard, if you can find a taxidermist willing to undertake the work, to get stuffed!


"Rumpole of the Bailey: Rumpole and the Tap End (#5.4)" (1988)
Samuel 'Soapy Sam' Ballard Q.C.: I told him Guthrie was a perfectly charming chap, of course.
Claude Erskine-Brown: Oh, perfectly charming, no doubt about that!
Samuel 'Soapy Sam' Ballard Q.C.: But as a judge, perhaps he lacks judgement.
Claude Erskine-Brown: Yes, which is a pretty important quality in a judge.


"Rumpole of the Bailey: Rumpole and the Summer of Discontent (#6.2)" (1991)
[Rumpole walks into Ballard's office, to find all his colleagues sat round a table]
Horace Rumpole: Oh no! Not *another* chambers meeting!
Samuel Ballard Q.C.: In the new age of efficiency at the Bar, Rumpole, it might be more appropriate to call it a board meeting.
Horace Rumpole: Quite right. I'm bored to tears already.


"Rumpole of the Bailey: Rumpole and the Quacks (#6.5)" (1991)
Samuel 'Soapy Sam' Ballard, Q.C.: I think you were away sick when we agreed to take her on.
Horace Rumpole: Oh, I was dying.
Samuel 'Soapy Sam' Ballard, Q.C.: [Smiling] Really?
Horace Rumpole: I changed my mind.