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Hutch
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Quotes for
Hutch (Character)
from Fanboys (2009)

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Fanboys (2009)
Hutch: Nobody calls Han Solo a bitch!

[repeated line]
Hutch: You want to take your shirt off.

Hutch: What's the Klingon for "I'm going to die a virgin"?
Admiral Seasholtz: [Replies in fluent Klingon]

Eric: [hands him a vacuum cleaner] Your mom said clean up this shit-hole or no grilled cheese for a week?
Hutch: [sticks his head out on the door] That's emotional blackmail, and you know it!

Hutch: Rule number one: In my van, it's Rush. All Rush, all the time. No exceptions. Rule number two: Nobody touch the red button. And I mean never touch the red button. Most importantly, rule number three: There's no jerking it in my van!
Windows: [throwing up his hands] Fine...
Hutch: [amid laughter] Don't roll your eyes at ME, Admiral Jackbar!

[first lines]
Hutch: [as Stormtrooper] Halloween just got awesome, bitches!
Linus: [as Stormtrooper] Prepare for the entrance of Lord Vader.
Windows: [as Darth Vader] Give yourself to the Dark Side. It's the only way you can save your...

Windows: You guys both got to stop perpetuating this myth that Boba Fett is some kind of bad-ass. All right? He has a jet pack. So did the Rocketeer. Really cool. When it comes time for battle, the man's Michael Bay - all style, no substance.
Hutch: If you diss the Fett the again, I will corn-hole you with a lightsaber!

Zoe: Asshole. You have been trying that Jedi mind shit on me since the eighth grade. It doesn't work.
Hutch: Oh, it works. Tell her, Windows.
Zoe: He's been geeking out with Rogue Leader all morning. Nothing can tear him away.
[lifts her sweater, exposing her breasts to Windows who is on the Internet on his laptop, not looking up]
Zoe: Ah, I love the feeling of fresh air on my naked breasts.
Hutch: Oh, ho-ho!
Zoe: See that? Man's immune to sweater yams.
Hutch: What about me? I like sweater yams!

Windows: Stop humping. Please stop humping. Just high five.
Hutch: Oh, God. I'm Jabba the Hump.

Zoe: You might wanna hit the showers. 'Cause you smell like something shit *in* my nose.
Hutch: Yes, Your Highnessness.
[Hutch takes off his t-shirt]
Zoe: Ew! What in god's name is living on your chest? It looks like you fell on ALF.

Hutch: Dude, you're gonna be my Dak today, all right? Follow my lead.
Windows: Wait, wait. Whoa, whoa. You wanna just talk to them?
Hutch: Yeah. It's called having balls.
Zoe: Or in your case, one ball.

Windows: I met her in a Jedi chatroom. The woman is perfect. She's intelligent and acerbic, and a die-hard fan. She's even got connections inside the Lucas camp.
Linus: Who's also got a man package and a goatee.
Windows: You guys are all just jealous because she describes herself as a cross between Sarah Michelle Gellar and Janeane Garafolo.
Hutch: Tell 'em how you described yourself.
Windows: I was perfectly honest with her.
Linus: You said you look like a white Billy Dee Williams. You called yourself white chocolate.
Windows: I *am* white chocolate.

Linus: Official Episode 1 countdown is six months, 12 days, eight hours and some change.
Windows: I would sell my soul to see that movie right here right now.
Hutch: Dude, I would sell my left nut. And I only have the one nut. So you see how serious I am?

Admiral Seasholtz: Okay. Hilarious, everyone. Looks like we got more Lucas hounds here to mock Roddenberry. Congratulations, gentleman, but I would like to see your Darth Vader take on one Borg drone. And we'll see who's laughing then. Am I right?
Windows: Darth Vader can put the entire Borg collective in a vice grip with his mind.
Admiral Seasholtz: Uh, Darth Vader has asthma, so name me one Star Trek character with a respiratory disease, 'cause I'm drawing a blank.
Linus: Name me one Star Wars character who's gay.
Hutch: Beside's you.
Admiral Seasholtz: Well, no one's gay in Star Trek, so why would I even do that?
Linus: Captain Picard.
Admiral Seasholtz: Okay. Captain Picard is not gay. He's British.
Windows: [in a swishy voice] Come on. "Make it so!"

[waking the guys up to show them they're in Iowa]
Hutch: Wakey, wakey, hands off steakey.

[after seeing the two hot escorts]
Hutch: I'd like to knock the nickels out of that pussy!

[last lines]
Eric: Hey guys.
Windows: What?
Hutch: What, man?
Eric: What if the movie sucks?

[Hutch subdues a Trekkie in a fight]
Hutch: Nighty-night, Spock-sucker.

Hutch: You gotta find your Death Star.
Eric: Okay, I'll bite.
Hutch: Greatest deed Luke Skywalker ever did was take down the Death Star, right? As far as I'm concerned, that's what everybody needs. You need that one bad-ass thing that lets you live on forever, you know.

[after having landed in the garbage disposal room]
Windows: I have a bad feeling about this.
Hutch: Um, you guys don't think that the, um...
Linus: We are in George Lucas' trash room.
Eric: Don't be ridiculous, okay? The walls are not gonna close in on us.
[the walls begin to move in]

[after seeing his van repaired]
Hutch: Ha ha! The Buce is back!

Zoe: All right everybody, shut up!
Hutch: Oh!
Zoe: I swear to God this little Ewok is going up in flames. I'll do it.

Chaz: [to Hutch and Windows] Holy shit. If it ain't C-3Penis Face and R2-Dickhead.
Hutch: What did you just say, you giant bastard?

Admiral Seasholtz: Just take a look-see here.
Hutch: What's with the man-purse?
Admiral Seasholtz: Yep. As I thought, scanner reads "douche bag."

Hutch: I'm telling you, man. I took that Vulcan down hard. I rolled him into the dirt like he was my frickin tauntaun.
Eric: Tauntaun, my ass. If it wasn't for me, you guys would all be dead.
Windows: What fight were you watching? I was channeling the emperor.
Linus: The emperor? I don't remember the emperor crapping his robe and screaming "time-out."
Eric: Oh, my God. That's right.
Windows: There is such a thing as time-out.
Hutch: [imitating The Emperor] I can feel your anger growing inside. Wait. Time-out.

Hutch: What the hell are you doing, man? You're poking me.
Windows: Oh, God. Don't flatter yourself, okay? It's just my R2. My lucky R2.
Hutch: Man, you wish you had the height and girth of D2.

Head Of Security: By the time y'all walk away from this your face are gonna be shrunken and shriveled...
[walks up to Hutch]
Head Of Security: ...just like your one nut.
Hutch: What? How can he possibly know that?
Head Of Security: Oh, we know about your uniball. We know everything, Mr. Harold Hutchinson, aka Hutch. Son of Gloria. Humongous Rush fan.
Hutch: Dude, you're freaking me out. How do you know this?
Head Of Security: Because you have a Rush shirt on, dipshit.

Zoe: All right, everybody, shut up! Swear to God this little Ewok is going up in flames! I'll do it.
THX Security Guard #4: Go ahead, burn it.
Zoe: I will.
THX Security Guard #4: Yeah, burn it.
Hutch: Guys, nobody wants this.
Zoe: I will.
THX Security Guard #4: [Mimicking Yoda's voice] Burn it, burn it.
Zoe: I'm gonna.
THX Security Guard #4: Burn it.
Zoe: That's what I said.
THX Security Guard #4: Burn it.
Zoe: I said it.
THX Security Guard #4: Good, I was always more of a Star Trek fan anyway.
Zoe: Oh...
Hutch: These Trekkies are everywhere.