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Quotes for
Simon (Character)
from "Andy Barker, P.I." (2007)

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"Andy Barker, P.I.: Three Days of the Chicken (#1.3)" (2007)
Simon: Thanks for letting me come.
Andy Barker: You were hiding in the back seat of my car.
Simon: I'm just saying I appreciate it.

Simon: Hey, this address is right near a girl I used to date.
[laughs]
Simon: Yeah, I can't go within 500 feet of that place.

Lew Staziak: What is it, take your daughter to work day?
Simon: It is an honor to be ribbed by you, sir.
Lew Staziak: I'm not ribbin, I just honestly want to know why you're dressed up in men's clothes.

Andy Barker: Why did we even go to Lew? Half of what he says is crazy.
Simon: Unless it's not...
Andy Barker: Please... a murderous chicken cartel? That doesn't exist.
Simon: Unless it does...
Andy Barker: Stop doing that!

Lew Staziak: Thanks for the coffee.
Simon: Oh, you're welcome, Lew.
Lew Staziak: [grunts after taking a sip] Guess you didn't need to bring sugar, you got plenty in your shoes.

Simon: [scared] Lew, are you insane?
Lew Staziak: [threatening] Yes.


"Andy Barker, P.I.: Dial M for Laptop (#1.4)" (2007)
Andy Barker: Well, if they're coming tonight, let's be ready for 'em.
Wally: I'll be there for you, Andy. The enemy of my friend is my enemy, my friend.
Simon: Oh-hohoho a reverse stakeout! We'll probably be here all night.
[suddenly serious]
Simon: I don't want any cracks about my retainer.

Lew Staziak: What in hell is that?
Simon: It's a stakeout, I got coffee.
Lew Staziak: Coffee?
[takes a cup]
Lew Staziak: I'm growing a set of jugs just looking at this thing.

Andy Barker: Well why do we have to lie about who we are?
Simon: We need a backstory. Nobody's gonna tell an accountant and a video store manager where she is.
Loretta's Roomate: [opens door] Yeah?
Andy Barker: Hi, eh, we're looking for Loretta Crispin. We were hoping that -
Loretta's Roomate: She went to a bar downtown, the Brunswick House.
Andy Barker: Oh. Well that's all we want, thanks very much.
Simon: Hi. We're movie producers. We think she would be perfect on our upcoming film.
Loretta's Roomate: It's on Figaro or Western Hugh.
Andy Barker: Yeah, I know that intersection, thank you.
Simon: Well, it's an underwater action drama about a mutated lion that lives in the ocean and attacks shipping lanes. It's called Sea-Cat!
Loretta's Roomate: She's wearing a grey silk top, grey skirt, black pearl necklace and matching earings.
Andy Barker: Sounds like she'll be easy to find, thank you very much.
Simon: [laughs] I'll bet General Jackson could jog your memory...

Simon: [quoting from the movie 'Death Blimp'] Somebody call the park ranger, they're gonna slam together.
[imitates a girly scream]


"Andy Barker, P.I.: Pilot (#1.1)" (2007)
Miss Congeniality 2 doll: [Sandra Bullock's voice from Miss Congeniality] You think I'm gorgeous, you wanna kiss me.
Andy Barker: No, seriously, what is that?
Simon: It's a remote controlled Sandra Bullock doll from Miss Congeniality 2.
Andy Barker: Oh, score! Man, I didn't think they could top Miss Congeniality, but they came pretty darn close.
Simon: It's counterfeit. I made it to mock the movie.

Andy Barker: I just don't know where to start.
Simon: You just need to bring...
[raises right fist]
Simon: ...the thunder
[raises left fist]
Simon: '... and the lightning.
Andy Barker: You got walnut in your teeth.
Simon: Oh crap.


"Andy Barker, P.I.: Fairway, My Lovely (#1.2)" (2007)
Andy Barker: You read lips?
Nicole: Fluently.
Andy Barker: Why do you know how to do that?
Nicole: I have a deaf brother.
Simon: I like Stevie Wonder.


"Andy Barker, P.I.: The Lady Varnishes (#1.6)" (2007)
Simon: [Lew and Andy are off on another case] Alright it's go time! I'll get in back.
Lew Staziak: Actually it's stay time.
[drives off]
Simon: [shouting] You win this round, Lew Staziac, but when vengeance strikes, it will be swift -
[is hit in the head by humus from a humus gun]


"Andy Barker, P.I.: The Big No Sleep (#1.5)" (2007)
Simon: Andy, it's time to get Snowball.
Andy Barker: We're gonna bag us an elephant.