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Quotes for
Ben Swain (Character)
from "The Thick of It" (2005)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"The Thick of It: Spinners and Losers" (2007)
Ben Swain: Hi Glenn.
Glenn Cullen: Ben. How's everything with you? How's the huddle? What is the next mooove?
Ben Swain: The next mooove, my aged retainer, will be the next mooove.
Glenn Cullen: Oh well, gosh, I got to write that down, does it mean anything?

Oliver Reeder: Ben. A quick thought.
Ben Swain: Come on, then, enlighten us, grasshoper.
Oliver Reeder: Tom's dying. He doesn't have to die. We can take his DNA and transfer it to a healthier host.
Ben Swain: What are you talking about?
Oliver Reeder: Science fiction analogy. What I'm saying is why don't we sound out a potential fallback?
Nick Hanway: Who?
Oliver Reeder: Claire Ballantine. She's highly regarded, she's clean...
Nick Hanway: Yeah, yeah, I get it... To be honest, I was really hoping that was gonna be shit because I'm tired and I quite like to hit somebody.

Ben Swain: So why have you got me? Why have you called me back in? Are we gonna do a post-Claire, preemptive-Dan Miller strike?
Malcolm Tucker: We're thinking, Ben, about you.
Ben Swain: About... As in, ME?
Malcolm Tucker: People still want a Tom figure, but Tom is tainted, you know, but you, you're clean, you know. You are the exactable face of Tom. Tom is analog in a digital age. You are Digital Ben. You're DigiBen. I think, I really think you could get it. I really do. I really, genuinely do.
Ben Swain: [shocked] Oh, shitcakes. So I could be like a younger, sort of hunger... hungrier, leaner version of Tom?
Malcolm Tucker: Not leaner.
Ben Swain: Allright, a younger, hungrier Tom.
Malcolm Tucker: That's it! I mean, because there's an army of people out there who want Tom's ideas. You could bring those ideas, but you know, without the dribbling.

Jamie: It's show time! Can Teflon Tucker save the Nutters or will Dan Miller rip his sculp off and use it as an oven glove?
Nick Hanway: [Ben and Nick coming down the stairs] Guys! Is he here? Dan's not arrived yet, is he?
Malcolm Tucker: Laurel and fucking Hardy! Glad you could join us. Did you manage to get that piano up the stairs ok, yeah?
Jamie: Oh, ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for The Right Honourable Dan Miller, MP!
Dan Miller: Oh, the reception committee. What a turn out. And they say no one is interested in politics. Malcolm.
Malcolm Tucker: Dan.
Dan Miller: Nick.
Nick Hanway: Dan.
Dan Miller: Ben.
Ben Swain: Dan.
Dan Miller: Jamie.
Jamie: God, enough with the pleasensies here, let's just oil up and get fucking, yeah?
Malcolm Tucker: I'm looking forward to today.
Dan Miller: Today should be very interesting.
Malcolm Tucker: I just wonder what are you actually gonna be saying on Today.
Dan Miller: On the Today program? Well I'll be saying that I'll be fully endorsing Tom. Tom's my guy and he always has been.
Nick Hanway: Really? Is that it? No buts, no elephant traps?
Dan Miller: No, no. Tom and I came to an arrangement about an hour or so ago.
Malcolm Tucker: Well, my work here is done.
Nick Hanway: Why wasn't I told?
Jamie: [Jamie does a flying movement with his hand, complete with whistling. Nick looks at him in puzzlement] It's the sound of you flying out of the loop head first into a huge mound of shite.
Nick Hanway: So this whole evening has just been a waste of time.
[Jamie does the flying thing again]
Nick Hanway: Yeah, yeah, I got it, got it.
Dan Miller: Yes, yes, that's pretty much it. That's why I went home, had a good night's sleep. Oh, by the way, Malcolm, Tom said to liaise with you on the press and...
Malcolm Tucker: Yes, yes, offfcourse, yeah...
[Tucker recieves a message on his beeper]
Malcolm Tucker: Oh, God. Oh, I've been summoned to the breakfast meeting, to talk to Tom about this morning, some details about Claire Ballentine maybe, Geoff Holhurst, young Benjamin here.
Nick Hanway: Fuck you very much, you unscrupulous bastard.

Ben Swain: Right, Glenn, I'm gonna leave you to your switchboard duties.
Glenn Cullen: Don't worry about us.
Ben Swain: Back where the action is. Don't wanna miss a chance getting into Uncle Tom's Cabinet.
Oliver Reeder: Ok...
Ben Swain: Problems?
Oliver Reeder: It's hammer-time. There's been a wild cat walkout at Watford Immigration Center. Whoever's leeking has told the press we weren't prepared to spend money on the repairs of the computer system. The Mail has told them that this department refuses point-blank to do or say anything about it, so the night shift walked out.
Glenn Cullen: Robyn! What the fuck do you think you're doing?
Robyn Murdoch: I cold-cocked! You said to! I said nothing was happening, I said nothing was going on here!
Glenn Cullen: For fuck's sake, where did you learn that? The Civil Servant's school of telling the fucking truth?
Robyn Murdoch: You said 'cold cocks'!
Ben Swain: Ollie, I want you to deal with that. I'm gonna get back to the huddle. You get onto the press, tell them I'm all over it, I'm gonna instigate this spectrum-wide sweep of every espect of the... the thing, that I'm not being distracted by leadepship debates.
Oliver Reeder: Yeah, no problem, Ben. I'll see you at the hotel.
Ben Swain: Ahh... Yeah, sure, but get this done, we'll see.
Oliver Reeder: Bring me back a tiny wee Fanta from the MiniBar.

Robyn Murdoch: The Mail's got hold of a story about Ben being racist to a cleaner and saying racist things!
Terri Coverley: Yeah, and they're gonna run with a headline "Uncle Tom's Cabinet", which is gonna be a really big problem for us, actually, because it's a very very good headline!
Ben Swain: I'm not a racist! I'm so not a racist! One of my best friends is an Asian! No, I know that sounds...
Malcolm Tucker: [to Jamie] You! That's it! I'm not standing for that! It's over! You're fucking a dead man walking!
Jamie: You think I leaked this?
Malcolm Tucker: What do you think I am, seven years old?
Jamie: Kiss my bollocks, this has got nothing to do with me!
[to Ollie]
Jamie: It was you!
Oliver Reeder: No, it wasn't fucking me! Why would it be me? I thought we'd be working together in the new administration!
Glenn Cullen: The new administration! Listen to the First Lady!
Oliver Reeder: Shut up, Glenn. Shut up.
Jamie: I've got it!
[about Robyn]
Jamie: It was fucking Johnny Mitchel here, it was her!
Robyn Murdoch: I've leaked nothing!
Jamie: What are you talking about?
Robyn Murdoch: Other than the incidental leak, obviously.
Malcolm Tucker: [to Jamie] I know it was you. You're a pint pot Judas.
Jamie: It wasn't me!
Malcolm Tucker: A pint pot Judas!
Jamie: I'm five foot ten!
Malcolm Tucker: Well, you don't feel that.
Glenn Cullen: Malcolm. It wasn't him. It was me.
Jamie: Oh, fuck off.
Oliver Reeder: No way. No way.
Glenn Cullen: I've been leaking for 27 years, I know how it's done. I leaked!
Oliver Reeder: You don't leak! Well, not from the mouth, anyway.
Malcolm Tucker: Just fucking shut up. At least this is Hugh's Glenn. All you are, mate, is fucking Ben's Glenn.

Ben Swain: Have you tracked Dan Miller?
Malcolm Tucker: No, he's nowhere, man, he's fucking nowhere. The good news, however, is that the Tom wobble is over. That's great, isn't it?
Ben Swain: Yeah! So, he's not wobbling, he's... What does it mean?
Malcolm Tucker: Well it means that all the rats are now returning to a very buoyant ship and a plain deck, so that's lovely, isn't it?
Ben Swain: What does it mean for me?
Malcolm Tucker: I guess that means that you are standing in a chamber in the House of Commons with your big flaccid dick hanging out, with a "vote for me" sticking on the end.
Ben Swain: But you said I had a chance! Half an hour ago you said I was in with a shot!
Malcolm Tucker: Don't fucking get... Look, half an hour ago you were in with a shot! This is half an hour hence! We've fucking time-travelled, yes? We're in a weird and wonderful world where everything is different! Maybe outside the polar ice caps have melted! Maybe there's fucking robots knocking about and Davina Maccoll is the new Pope! Maybe you can download rice! I want you, right now, to think about your own future, ok? Think about what you are doing, get yourself back on the train to fucking Thomasville pronto, yeah? "Half an hour"...

Ben Swain: [Tom's huddle, after the pills story spreads around, lavatory] It's all gone a bit brawww out there, isn't it?
Nick Hanway: There's always wobbles, there were last time.
Ben Swain: Fat Pat was just on the phone to Tom, asking him if he wants to withdraw.
Nick Hanway: Are you pissing about?
Ben Swain: No, well, not anymore... So, what now?
Nick Hanway: Fuck!
Ben Swain: She wasn't saying he should withdraw, she was just saying he should... consider it.
Nick Hanway: Have you gone mad in your blinky head? That's senior Communications telling our boss "You know, we'll just leave that shotgun lying there, in case you wanna use it, mister Cobain".

Ben Swain: Where does it leave me?
Malcolm Tucker: I guess it leaves you standing in a chamber in the House of Commons with your big flaccid dick hanging out, with a "vote for me" sticking on the end.

Glenn Cullen: I've been leaking for 27 years, I know how it's done. I leaked!
Oliver Reeder: You don't leak! Well, not from the mouth, anyway.
Malcolm Tucker: Just fucking shut up. At least this is Hugh's Glenn. All you are, mate, is fucking Ben's Glenn.
Oliver Reeder: "Ben's Glenn"? That's all I am, I'm Ben's Glenn.
Ben Swain: What's wrong with that? It's not like it's a disease!
Oliver Reeder: It's not the "Ben" bit, it's the "Glenn" bit.


"The Thick of It: The Rise of the Nutters" (2007)
Malcolm Tucker: [preparing Ben for going on TV again] Get him properly fucking screen-tested! I'm sorry, mate, but you need a lot of powder. I've never seen anyone look so fucking ugly with just one head!
Ben Swain: No, I've lost my... erm... safety...
Malcolm Tucker: Who was it that did your media training? Myra Hindley? It's terrible! All these hands all over the place! You were like a sweaty octopus trying to unhook a bra! It was like watching John Leslie at work!
Ben Swain: Yes, I know all that. It just, kinda, fell away. It's like one of those dreams when you're wandering around Covent Garden with just a west and everyone's staring at you.
Jamie: It was much worse than that. I mean, how many people see you at Covent Garden? A few thousands? Your meltdown was witnessed by 1.2 million people! That's more people than saw Al Jolson in his fucking career! And that's Al fucking Jolson!
Malcolm Tucker: He loves Al Jolson.
Jamie: The Guvnor!
Oliver Reeder: Maaameee!
Jamie: You take the piss out of Al Jolson again and I will remove your iPod from its tiny nano-sheath and push it up your cock! Then I'll put some speakers up your arse and put it on shuffle with my fucking fist. And every time I hear something that I don't like, which will be every time that something comes on, I will skip to the next track by crushing your balls!

Oliver Reeder: [about Ben's book 'It's The Everything, Stupid: How To Get Ahead In Modern Politics'] This is looking good. When's it coming out?
Ben Swain: End of the week.
Terri Coverley: Great title!
Ben Swain: Thank you.
Oliver Reeder: And have you written it yourself or was it ghosted by...?
Ben Swain: By Victoria Beckham? No, everything in there is entirely written by me, I think you will find.
Oliver Reeder: There you go, you have hidden talents.

Malcolm Tucker: [to Ben] I want you to announce a policy for me. And I want you take the full credit and be the face of it.
Ben Swain: This is an overture, then, Malcolm. You coming round to the Nutter way of thinking? You bailing out on the PM?
Malcolm Tucker: No, no, offcourse not.
Ben Swain: What's your policy? What's your idea?
Malcolm Tucker: Taking immigration out of political control.
Oliver Reeder: Hang on, you're giving it to him now, are you?
Malcolm Tucker: I'm gonna bang you on Newsnight, right? And you are gonna fly this time, my friend. You are gonna light up the sky! Where's your phone? Give us your phone.
Ben Swain: I'm not... Newsnight? How are we gonna pay for it? They'll ask me that, how're we gonna pay for this?
Malcolm Tucker: Ollie, where's the money coming from?
Oliver Reeder: We can just cancel something that's already on the slate, maybe?
Ben Swain: Brilliant, I'll say that, that'll be great, thank you, Carole Vorderman.
Oliver Reeder: Well, why don't we say that we're wrapping up the citizenship program with this. I mean, it won't end up, but then they'll find it very hard to prove because we never actually said how much citizenship costs in the first place.
Malcolm Tucker: That'll do. Ok. This. Is. It. This is it!
Ben Swain: No, hold on, I've got to have a think about it! No, don't wave my phone at me, that's not gonna help!
Oliver Reeder: He's doing the blinky thing again.
Malcolm Tucker: Right, if you're not gonna go on, I'm gonna get
[points to Ollie]
Malcolm Tucker: this giggling streak of piss to go on to Newsnight, I don't even fucking care! Let it be his chinless, sulky little face that everyone sees for the whole of the next week!
Ben Swain: Oh... Fuck it, I'll do it!

Jamie: [practising an interview with Ben] Let's see you do your stuff, Mister Television, ha? Immigration is in disarray, what are you going to do about it?
Ben Swain: Well, first of all, I would have to take issue with your contention that immigration is in disarray...
Jamie: Oh, answer the question, you fat fuck! Panicked already. Shot yourself.

Malcolm Tucker: [to Ben] Jamie's gonna stay with you, ok? He'll be by your side until the interview is over, even if you take a dump.
Jamie: Even if I take a dump, eh? And I shit alot... Smoking and a fast metabolism.
Ben Swain: Well, fantastic, we'll spend the day defecating together. It's the glamor of this job that I so much enjoy.

Malcolm Tucker: [Julius stops Malcolm and Ben from spoiling the PM's Legacy announcement on Newsnight] Right, that's your 15 minutes up. Should have been a bit faster off your feet. Just don't clearly mention the policy.
Ben Swain: Well, I can't... Then you'll have to cancel it.
Malcolm Tucker: Are you fucking kidding me? I mean, you've just watched me break my not-inconsiderable balls trying to get you the second spot on Newsnight. And succeding! I can't back down! No, no, you're on, pal, right? And it better not be too boring, and it better not be too interesting either, ok? And it better not cost too much. It can't be an old thing, obviously, and don't make it too new. And whatever you do, please try not to embarrass yourself, right?


"The Thick of It: Episode #3.6" (2009)
Ben Swain: Look at this: a takeaway and a fight. All I need now is a handjob in a bus shelter, and I've had the Great British Night Out.
[everybody groans]

Ben Swain: You know, politics is like a game of chess, Glenn... so far as you're shit as both of them.


"The Thick of It: Episode #4.4" (2012)
Malcolm Tucker: When you come back, it'll be as Foreign Secretary.
Ben Swain: And you mean Foreign Secretary? That isn't code for Northern Ireland? I'm not fucking going there.

Ben Swain: I hereby tweet "I have resigned. More to follow." Didn't seem that momentous.
Malcolm Tucker: How many followers have you got?
Ben Swain: 612, or odd thereabouts.
Malcolm Tucker: Christ, let's hope it gets re-tweeted, otherwise you might as well just whisper it to a dead tramp.