The Newsman
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Quotes for
The Newsman (Character)
from A Muppet Family Christmas (1987) (TV)

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"The Muppet Show: Joel Grey (#1.3)" (1976)
The Newsman: Here's a Muppet News Flash. Dateline: Brooklyn, New York. Harry Oblong, a retired New York City bus driver, said that he is holding that state as a hostage and will not release it until he is paid $50 million in cash. Mr. Oblong, whom state officials say is not playing with a full deck, says that he will not disclose the whereabouts of the state of New York, but does say it has enough food and water to last for ten more days.

The Newsman: Here's a Muppet News Flash. Dateline: New York City. A former circus daredevil, who billed himself as Boffo the Human Cannonball, fired himself out of a cannon yesterday into a crowd of holiday shoppers. Fortunately, there were no injuries to the passersby. Boffo was not so lucky. Said his wife, the former Mrs. Boffo, "I guess I'll just have to pick up the pieces and live my life."

"The Muppet Show: Rita Moreno (#1.5)" (1976)
The Newsman: Dateline: Fresno. Mr. Thomas Gally... or Galley... spent the last 27 months teaching his pet chicken to dance classical ballet. Last Saturday, the chicken passed her auditions and became a member of the Royal Copenhagen Ballet. Unfortunately, Mrs. Galley didn't wish to move to Denmark, so she fricasseed the ballerina for lunch.

The Newsman: Here's a Muppet News Flash. There is no news tonight.

"The Muppet Show: Bob Hope (#2.21)" (1978)
The Newsman: Muppet News Flash! Today is the opening day of the fishing season.
[suddenly, gunshots are heard and a bunch of fish fall on the desk]

The Newsman: Here's a Muppet News Flash. This is the opening night of the opera season.
[he gets cut off by the sound of a soprano diva, followed by a gunshot that causes the diva to fall on his desk]

"The Muppet Show: Lena Horne (#1.11)" (1976)
The Newsman: Here's a Muppet News Flash. Mrs. Lola Bramswell of Covington, Kentucky, has come upon a most unique diet. For the past ten years, she has eaten nothing but seaweed.
[a screen turns on, revealing Lena Horne as Mrs. Bramswell]
The Newsman: Tell us, Mrs. Bramswell, has eating only seaweed presented any problems?
Lola Bramswell: No, not really, except that twice a day, I find myself going in and out with the tide.
The Newsman: That's not easy to do in Kentucky.

"The Muppet Show: Vincent Price (#1.19)" (1977)
The Newsman: Here's a Muppet News Flash. Our newsroom has been flooded with calls today reporting that furniture all over town has been turning into monsters. Seven people have allegedly been attacked by a wandering pack of sofas at the east edge of town. A dining room table set for eight reportedly ate the eight it was set for.
[the camera pulls back to reveal the show being watched by a man at home]
The Newsman: When contacted for comment, Sheriff David Goelz assured Muppet News Central that the rumor was false. According to Goelz, there is no way for a piece of furniture to turn into a monster.
[suddenly, the cushion the man is sitting on comes to life and tries to attack him]
The Newsman: Scientists throughout the city confirmed that such an occurrence would be impossible.
[the man tries vainly to beat the cushion with a newspaper]
The Newsman: Science tells all that inanimate objects cannot turn into monsters.
[suddenly, the man's cabinet comes to life, growing angry eyes and teeth and comes at him, growling]
The Newsman: Still, these groundless rumors persist.
[the furniture monsters chase the man out of the room]
The Newsman: The mass hysteria could be due to what psychologists are calling furniphobia, a dread fear of the rising price of home furnishings. The phenomenon does seem to relate to the cost of living increase during the past month.
[the man returns to the room, with the furniture monsters gone]
The Newsman: But people are advised to relax, secure in the knowledge that their furniture will not turn into a monster. And that's all tonight from Muppet News. Good night.
[suddenly, static appears on the TV screen as it goes blank and the TV grows eyes and sharp teeth and eats the man; cut to the Muppet news studio]
The Newsman: That last item about furniture is ridiculous.
[suddenly, the news desk comes to life and eats the Newsman]

The Muppets (2011)
Mahna Mahna: [sings] Mahna Mahna
Tex Richman: You're breaking the law! I own that name!
Snowth, Snowth: [the Snowths sing] Doo-doo, do-do-doo, do-do do do do do doo.
Gonzo: [with a bowling ball] Hey guys, I think I finally worked out how to - Whoo-ha!
[Gonzo throws the bowling ball and hits Tex Richman]
Fozzie Bear: 'Oil' bet that hurt.
[Tex Richman starts laughing]
The Newsman: This just in: Richman gives back Muppet theater and name. Change of heart, nothing to do with head injury.
Tex Richman: [sings] Mahna Mahna
Snowth, Snowth: [the Snowths sing] Doo-doo, do-do-doo

"The Muppet Show: Ruth Buzzi (#1.4)" (1976)
The Newsman: Muppet News Flash! The Atlantic Ocean has just been kidnapped. Disappearance of the ocean has been reported by lighthouse keeper Murray Patterson. He was awakened late last night when 500 fish pounded on his door asking for water. Authorities suspect that the ocean is being held prisoner in an apartment somewhere in Newark. The ransom note has reportedly been received. The kidnappers are demanding two Christmases each year and a hug from mommy every night.

"The Muppet Show: Andy Williams (#4.22)" (1980)
The Newsman: And now for this Muppet news flash. Bands of roving cheeses have been reported at the edge of town moving towards city center. The cheeses are reported to be smelly and often in the company of crackers. Most of them seem to be moving about on foot, but some cheeses naturally are in wheels.
[suddenly, a huge cheese wheel rolls through the newsroom and bowls over the Newsman, followed by some mice]

"The Muppet Show: Beverly Sills (#4.9)" (1979)
The Newsman: Muppet News Flash! Soprano Beverly Sills withdrew her announced plans to retire from the operatic stage. "I'll be singing opera until the cows come home," she said today in a...
[suddenly, he gets startled by the sounds of a herd of mooing cows as they stampede through the newsroom and trample him]

Muppets Most Wanted (2014)
The Newsman: Muppet News Flash! Constantine, the world's most dangerous frog, has escaped from a maximum-security Gulag in Siberia, Russia. This move has leapfrogged Constantine to the number-one most wanted criminal in the world, one place ahead of the mysterious Lemur.

"The Muppet Show: Buddy Rich (#5.22)" (1981)
[the newsroom is dark because of the blackout]
The Newsman: Muppet News Flash.
[sees a small candle on the desk]
The Newsman: Uh, it's too dark in here to read the news by. Can we have a bigger candle, please?
[Crazy Harry walks up and places a lit stick of dynamite on the desk]
Crazy Harry: Hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee.
[runs off]
The Newsman: Thank you very much. That's much better. With the discovery of gold, local residents are expecting a full...
[suddenly, the dynamite explodes, destroying the desk]

"The Muppet Show: Julie Andrews (#2.17)" (1977)
The Newsman: Here's a Muppet News Flash! A plane carrying a load of sports equipment was forced to jettison some of its cargo. Among the items tossed out were ten thousand ping pong balls...
[suddenly, many, many ping pong balls fall out of the sky, raining down on the Newsman's desk]
The Newsman: ... and one bowling ball.
[a bowling ball falls out of the sky and hits the Newsman on the head, knocking him out]

"The Muppet Show: Twiggy (#1.21)" (1976)
The Newsman: Here's a Muppet News Flash. Dateline: London. Mrs. Lola Thomas of that city has just finished eating an entire diesel tractor.
[a screen turns on, revealing Twiggy as Lola Thomas]
The Newsman: Tell me, Mrs. Thomas, why did you do such a thing?
Lola Thomas: Well, the doctor told me I had an iron deficiency, you see, so I started on a couple of doorknobs and the occasional typewriter. But there's nothing really quite like a good bit of diesel tractor where you chip and pave, is there?
The Newsman: What an extraordinary feat. I mean, how was it done?
Lola Thomas: Oh, medium rare or thereabouts.
The Newsman: Is this lady making a fool of me?
[on the screen, Twiggy bites into a microphone and savors it]

"The Muppet Show: Spike Milligan (#3.17)" (1979)
The Newsman: Good evening, and welcome to Muppet News International.
Spike Milligan: Yes, you're welcome to it.
The Newsman: Simultanious translation, bringing you news and views across the language barrier.
Spike Milligan: [pantomimes previous statement in "sign language" - the newsreader looks at him] Hello.
The Newsman: [to Spike] Are you going to tell them what I just said?
Spike Milligan: [conspiratorial] No, your secret is safe with me.

"The Muppet Show: Kris Kristofferson and Rita Coolidge (#3.1)" (1978)
The Newsman: And now a Muppet News Flash. This is an update on the Henderson burglary. Police have recovered all the stolen property except the silverware. It has disappeared into thin air.
[suddenly, a bunch of silverware rains down on the desk]

"The Muppet Show: Lou Rawls (#2.15)" (1977)
The Newsman: Here is a Muppet News Flash. Dateline: New York. Medical science has been baffled by a sudden epidemic of the rare disease, mallarditis. The illness strikes very quickly and causes its victim to turn into a duck.
[looks up]
The Newsman: Mallarditis? That's the silliest thing I ever...
[suddenly, his head turns into that of a duck]
The Newsman: Quack. Quack. Quack.

"The Muppet Show: Milton Berle (#2.3)" (1977)
The Newsman: Here's a Muppet News Flash. Dateline: London. The will of the late Mary Cramble, which has been bitterly contested by her son, Charles, and her cat, Cutie Pie, was settled today. A special court has ruled Charles as the sole heir, and he will be rewarded the entire estate: 10,000 rubber mice.

"The Muppet Show: Paul Williams (#1.8)" (1976)
The Newsman: Muppet News Flash! Arnold Stockman, a retired shoe salesman, recently had a most unusual experience, and we at Muppet News Central feel it is a story that should be shared with everyone. Here in his own words is Mr. Stockman to tell you this most bizarre event.
[a screen in the corner turns on, revealing Paul Williams as Arnold Stockman]
Arnold Stockman: Well, it was about a week ago. I was sitting at home watching television. Must have been about 9:00. Suddenly, the phone rang. Well, I picked it up, but there wasn't anybody there. So I hung up and then I went back to watching the television. Darnedest thing.
The Newsman: Well, now, whenever unusual events occur, you'll hear it first on Muppet News.

"The Muppet Show: Edgar Bergen (#2.7)" (1977)
Muppet Newsman: Here is a Muppet News Flash. Dateline: The Muppet Show. An embarrassing situation occurred today when the Muppet reporter accidentally went on camera forgetting to put on his pants... Oh, good grief...

"The Muppet Show: John Cleese (#2.23)" (1977)
The Newsman: Here is a Muppet News Flash! Science has discovered a process which may go a long way towards solving the world's food crisis. Dr. William Edgar of Chicago, Illinois, reports he has found a method of synthesizing Italian dinners out of wool. At a recent press conference, Edgar demonstrated his process by knitting a tureen of minestrone, while his wife Nancy crocheted meatballs.

"The Muppet Show: Melissa Manchester (#5.12)" (1980)
The Newsman: And now this Muppet News Flash! On Wall Street today, commodity experts were amazed as beef fell dramatically.
[he suddenly hears the sound of a cow mooing from above; looks up]
The Newsman: Oh, no!
[a cow falls down on top of the Newsman]

"The Muppet Show: Connie Stevens (#1.2)" (1977)
The Newsman: Here's a Muppet News Flash. And now to Washington DC, for a direct call on our hot line.
[burns his finger as he touches the phone]
The Newsman: Aaow!

"The Muppet Show: Christopher Reeve (#4.18)" (1980)
The Newsman: Here is a Muppet News Flash. Police announce today that a killer lamb had escaped from the Department of Agriculture's maximum security sheep station.
[a lamb walks up behind him]
The Newsman: This lamb is one of a new kind of sheep that has been bred to hunt wolves and is extremely dangerous.
[the lamb bleats behind him; the Newsman looks around]
The Newsman: Uh, this killer lamb has been trained to attack at the sound of a bell.
[suddenly, the phone on his desk rings and he answers it as the lamb bleats loudly]
The Newsman: Hello?
[the lamb attacks the Newsman]

"The Muppet Show: The Stars of Star Wars (#4.17)" (1980)
The Newsman: Here's a bulletin from the Muppet Newsroom. The spaceship Swine Trek is about to make a soft landing on a distant planet. In other planetary news, Venus is about to make a hard landing on the Muppet Newsroom. That doesn't make sense.
[suddenly, the Venus de Milo falls down on top of the Newsman's desk]

"The Muppet Show: Arlo Guthrie (#4.8)" (1979)
The Newsman: And now, direct from the Chicago Livestock Board, here are the gestation periods.
[awkward pause]
The Newsman: Yes. Anyhow, gestation periods. Pigs: 113 days; cows: 284 days; horses: 337 days; and elephants: 645 days. Elsewhere on the agricultural news front, the recent bumper crop has been causing problems for farmers. Widespread dumping of produce has resulted from this bumper crop.
[suddenly, a bunch of car bumpers are dumped on him and his desk]
The Newsman: Ow!

"The Muppet Show: Debbie Harry (#5.9)" (1981)
The Newsman: Here is a Muppet News Flash. Famous French clothing designer David Lazour was arrested today under the poultry laws for designing clothes that can suddenly turn into chickens.
[suddenly, the Newsman's clothes turn into a bunch of clucking chickens]

"The Muppet Show: Kenny Rogers (#4.10)" (1979)
The Newsman: Now for a Muppet News Flash! Muppet Labs has just announced that they are recalling their latest model hospital bed used in the "Lime and Coconut" production number. The beds were built on an assembly line formerly used for popup toasters.
[suddenly, the sound of a spring is heard and Kermit is flung off the hospital bed and through the newsroom, hitting his head on the desk]

"The Muppet Show: Roger Moore (#5.24)" (1980)
The Newsman: Here is a Muppet News Flash. An international spy ring is trying to sneak ridiculous stories into the news. Fortunately, with the tight security in the Muppet Newsroom, it can't happen here.
[picks up another paper]
The Newsman: In other news, a black-and-yellow-striped mackerel was elected king this morning and...
[stops and looks perplexed; Bruno runs up]
The Newsman: Huh?
Bruno: Yes?
The Newsman: Where have you been?
Bruno: Oh, I've been showing His Majesty around the newsroom.
[a mackerel walks up, dressed in royalty; the Newsman sees him]
The Newsman: Holy mackerel!
Mackerel: No, Your Highness will do. Would you like to be knighted?
The Newsman: Oh, well, of course.
Mackerel: Okay. Good night!
[the mackerel hits the Newsman on the head, knocking him out]

"The Muppet Show: Liberace (#3.9)" (1978)
The Newsman: Here's a Muppet News Flash. Work was started today on a remodeling of the Muppet news studio, and it is said that...
[suddenly, a wrecking ball smashes through the wall behind him; the Newsman ducks down to avoid being hit]

"The Muppet Show: Madeline Kahn (#2.9)" (1977)
The Newsman: Reports are coming in from all over the world that television news reporters are blowing up. These unlikely rumors have...
[suddenly, the Newsman himself blows up and is gone]

"The Muppet Show: Jaye P. Morgan (#2.18)" (1978)
The Newsman: Muppet News Flash! A charter flight carrying the London Symphony Orchestra has been forced to jettison some of the musical instruments.
[a piano falls out of the sky and lands on him]

The Great Muppet Caper (1981)
Kermit: [the Muppets are in a frenzy about Kermit's date] Fozzie, this is all very embarrassing!
Fozzie: Don't worry Kermit, it won't leave this room.
The Muppet Newsman: Here is a Muppet newsflash! Kermit the Frog to date Lady Holiday! Details at 11.

"The Muppet Show: Bernadette Peters (#2.12)" (1977)
The Newsman: Here's a Muppet News Flash. Dateline: The Muppet Show. It has been reported just moments ago that a large heavy object was dropped from the ceiling. Further developments will...
[suddenly, a weight drops on his head]

A Muppet Family Christmas (1987) (TV)
Oscar the Grouch: Hey everybody, quiet down! There's a bulletin on TV!
The Newsman: And now, for this news flash: the worst blizzard in 50 years is approaching us at a great rate. The Weather Service reports that barometers are falling sharply.
[a lot of wooden barometers crash on him]
The Newsman: Oh no! Whoa...

"The Muppet Show: Jean-Pierre Rampal (#5.10)" (1980)
The Newsman: Muppet News Flash! Muppet Labs has announced the escape of their new electric sledgehammer, which is believed to be roaming the city on a very long extension cord. There is no need to panic, however, since the hammer only attacks really wimpy nerds.
[suddenly, the electric sledgehammer comes up and repeatedly beats the Newsman on the head]

"The Muppet Show: Pearl Bailey (#3.5)" (1978)
The Newsman: Here is a Muppet News Flash. An explosion has just taken place at the Smithfield Hat Factory. Reports say that hats are falling all over the...
[suddenly, a bunch of hats all fall down on the Newsman, followed by a helmet that lands on his head]

"The Muppet Show: Ben Vereen (#1.17)" (1976)
The Newsman: Here's a Muppet news bulletin! Dateline: New Brunswick. Mr. Melvin Cosgrove climbed a thirty-foot-pole and scrambled onto a six-by-six-foot platform. His goal: to break the world's record in flagpole sitting. That was sixteen years ago, and yesterday, his wife started wondering how Cosgrove was doing, especially since he was 84 years old when he started. His wife had climbed the pole this morning and found that he had indeed passed away. As a fitting tribute to her brave husband, Mrs. Cosgrove announced that for the next ten days, she will fly him at half-mast.

"The Muppet Show: Tony Randall (#5.13)" (1980)
The Newsman: Here's a Muppet News Flash. Orchestra leader Zuben Beckmesser was nearly electrocuted at the Metropolitan Opera today when he absentmindedly inserted his baton into an electrical outlet.
[an orchestra conductor walks up, holding a baton, his hair messed up and his body shaking; the Newsman sees him]
The Newsman: Uh, Mr. Beckmesser, I understand, according to doctors, you would've died instantly had you not been such a poor conductor.
[the Newsman laughs at his own joke; the conductor jams his baton in the Newsman's nose]
The Newsman: I'm sorry! I take it back!
[the conductor nods and removes his baton]

"The Muppet Show: Mummenschanz (#1.24)" (1977)
The Newsman: Muppet News Flash! Dateline: Moscow. Sergei Lenovsky, whom the Russians claim is the world's oldest living human, celebrated his 196th birthday yesterday by taking a deep breath. Sergei has 96 children, 150 grandchildren, and 228 great-grandchildren, none of whom visit him. Said his youngest son, Leonid, "He smells funny."

"The Muppet Show: Peter Ustinov (#1.12)" (1976)
The Newsman: Copenhagen, Denmark. Dr. Felix Ogelbaum says that after thirty years' concentrated research, he has discovered the cure for the common cold. Our Muppet cameras are on the scene, and we'll speak with Dr. Ogelbaum about this great medical breakthrough.
[a screen turns on, displaying Peter Ustinov as Dr. Ogelbaum]
The Newsman: Dr. Ogelbaum?
Dr. Felix Ogelbaum: Yeah? Yeah, I am Felix Ogelbaum in Copenhagen, Denmark.
The Newsman: Yes, Dr. Ogelbaum, can you tell us about this cure?
Dr. Felix Ogelbaum: Yeah, of course. It was right under our noses. Do you believe that? I am so excited. First, you stay away from sick people. That's very important. Then you wrap your head in a number-ten-size brown paper bag. Then you pour honey over yourself, and you hold your breath for about an hour or so.
The Newsman: And this will cure the common cold?
Dr. Felix Ogelbaum: Positively.
[suddenly sneezes]
Dr. Felix Ogelbaum: And then again, maybe not...
The Newsman: Yes, well, thank you very much, Dr. Ogelbaum. Remember, friends, whenever big news breaks, you certainly won't hear it here.

"The Muppet Show: Lynn Redgrave (#3.23)" (1979)
Muppet Newsman: [ringing bell] 5 o'clock and all's well! 5 o'clock and all's well! Except that Maid Marian has been kidnapped, the sheriff's up to no good, that dog is stealing the cheese, Kermit's mad at Piggy, and it's really only 4:30.

"The Muppet Show: Lynda Carter (#4.19)" (1980)
The Newsman: Here's a Muppet News Flash. Dateline: Egypt. Archaeologists today discovered an ancient tomb more than 5,000 years old in the Nungal Valley. An inscription over the tomb warned that the crocodile god, Rezal-evad-gib... That's Rezal-evad-gib... would wreck a terrible vengeance on anyone who entered the tomb or even pronounced his name aloud.
[looks up]
The Newsman: That's a ridiculous story. I never...
[suddenly, a crocodile appears and tries to eat the Newsman]