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Quotes for
Mrs. Warboys (Character)
from "One Foot in the Grave" (1990)

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"One Foot in the Grave: Only a Story (#5.2)" (1995)
Mrs Warboys: [eating a plate of spaghetti Margaret has just given her] This is nice. Not that I can taste it with my allergy of course; might be absolutely horrible.

Mrs Warboys: [about the film they just watched] Why did those detectives ask David Dimbleby for his sperm?
Victor Meldrew: To eliminate him from their inquiries.
Mrs Warboys: Oh, I see.
Victor Meldrew: The police can use sperm now as a way of fingerprinting people.
Mrs Warboys: [with a long face] Don't see what was wrong with the old ink pads.

Mrs Warboys: [cleaning Margaret's cupboards] Morning. Just thought I'd get some of the filth out of these cupboards for you.

"One Foot in the Grave: One Foot in the Algarve" (1993)
Victor Meldrew: Surely you can't change a lightbulb if you've only got one arm?
Mrs Warboys: [Drunk] You can if you've still got the receipt.

Margaret Meldrew: I wasn't that keen on coming to Portugal at first. But now that we're about to leave, I never want to see the bloody place again as long as I live.
Victor Meldrew: Yes, that's the good thing about a bad holiday, is going home, which is a positive joy. I remember the last time we went on holiday, we came home to find that our house had been demolished.
Mrs Warboys: [laughs] Yes, funny you can laugh about it now, right?
Margaret Meldrew, Victor Meldrew: [They both stare at her angrily, not laughing]
Mrs Warboys: I suppose you can't really.

Old Man: [Mistaking Mrs Warboys for a prostitute] You are a very hot lady!
Mrs Warboys: Yes, I'm not used to your climate I'm afraid.

"One Foot in the Grave: The Beast in the Cage (#3.4)" (1992)
Victor Meldrew: There's a wasp in the middle of this ice cube.
Mrs Warboys: I know. It was the only one left; I didn't think you were all that fussy.
Victor Meldrew: Didn't think I was all that fussy! I'll have a slice of dead rat in it as well if you've got one, please, and a dog turd on a cocktail stick.

[last lines]
Victor Meldrew: Oh, God, I'm bloody ravenous now. I can't last a moment longer. It's no good. I'm afraid there's only one thing for it: we'll have to eat Mrs Warboys. I know she's a bit gristly but these are desperate times, and as a close friend of the family I'm sure she will agree to do the decent thing and shoot herself. It's either that, or...
Mrs Warboys: Or what, Mr Meldrew?
Victor Meldrew: Or...
[sighs deeply]
Victor Meldrew: Where's the sucky sweets?

"One Foot in the Grave: Dreamland (#3.2)" (1992)
[first lines]
Mrs Warboys: As I say, Mrs Meldrew swore me to complete secrecy over the entire episode. I mean, there are some things too personal and too upsetting to be just blethered all round the houses as idle gossip. Well, as far as anyone can tell, the roots of it all started one morning last June. A few of us were round having a bit of a chin-wag over coffee, and somehow or other the subject had drifted onto weird dreams and nightmares.

[last lines]
Mrs Warboys: I'd better dash. As I say, I'd rather all this didn't go any further if you would. Because a lot of it was told to me in the strictest confidence, so... All the best to you both, then. Bye.
Lady in Tea Shop: Bye.
Lady in Tea Shop: Bye.
Lady in Tea Shop: Nice woman.
Lady in Tea Shop: Yes. Wonder who she was.

"One Foot in the Grave: The Worst Horror of All (#3.6)" (1992)
[first lines]
Mrs Warboys: What's this? More paraphernalia?
Margaret Meldrew: [reads] 'Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents'. Some survey or other. I thought I'd fill it in while we're waiting for the x-rays.
Margaret Meldrew: 'Give a brief description of how the accident occurred.'
Mrs Warboys: A garden shed fell on him.
Margaret Meldrew: I put: Rotting timbers collapsed on head while dismantling old outhouse in rear garden.
Margaret Meldrew: 'Was the accident unavoidable or due to the patient's carelessness?'
Mrs Warboys: Carelessness. Put stupidity. That was asking for trouble in anyone's book, unscrewing all the nails in the building before you've taken the roof off.

"One Foot in the Grave: Alive and Buried (#1.1)" (1990)
Mrs Warboys: His hair always looks nice. I wonder what he washes it with.
Victor Meldrew: His vest and his socks; what do you think he washes it with?
Mrs Warboys: What are you saying? It's not real?
Margaret Meldrew: Of course it's real; look at the parting.
Victor Meldrew: That's not a parting. That's a crease where it's folded up in the box; are you blind?

"One Foot in the Grave: The Valley of Fear (#1.3)" (1990)
Margaret Meldrew: You know he can't smell a thing Jean, not since that accident up his left nostril last Summer.
Mrs. Warboys: Ah well, that was asking for trouble wasn't it. You should never try and sniff a live wasp Mr Meldrew. It's a well known fact.
Victor Meldrew: I was not sniffing a live wasp. What do you think I am, some sort of village idiot? I was smelling a Rhododendron. I didn't see the wasp until...

"One Foot in the Grave: The Return of the Speckled Band (#1.6)" (1990)
[first lines]
Margaret Meldrew: So, how's the food poisoning now?
Margaret Meldrew: Oh, comes and goes when it thinks it will, you know. One minute I'm fine and the next minute... unh.
Margaret Meldrew: Violently sick.
Mrs. Warboys: Umh. This is nice; what is it?
Margaret Meldrew: Well, I got the recipe from my- Oh, how was it?
Victor Meldrew: Yes, very nice, very nice with my grey coat.
Margaret Meldrew: Try it more at an angle. You've got it jammed on there like an aerosol cap. You need it more to one side.
[she adjusts his hat]
Margaret Meldrew: There. Makes you look more distinguished.
Mrs. Warboys: Very smart. He looks like President Gorbachev.

"One Foot in the Grave: In Luton Airport No-One Can Hear You Scream (#2.1)" (1990)
[first lines]
Margaret Meldrew: That's the little café where we used to go for our breakfast. That was our last day in Athens, actually.
Mrs. Warboys: Nice one of the ruins.
Margaret Meldrew: I think that's the hotel. Oh! Your postcard. Which I gave to Victor to post.
Mrs. Warboys: Thanks.
Mrs. Warboys: "Arrived safe and sound. Plane trip fine apart from finding dead snake in the flight bag. Tell you all about that later."

"One Foot in the Grave: Descent Into the Maelstrom (#4.2)" (1993)
[Mrs Warboys was meant to get Victor's dry-cleaning. But instead brought back a gorilla costume]
Victor Meldrew: What's this!
Mrs Warboys: Oh, yes. She said they got almost all the beetroot out if you didn't look too closely. Myself, I can hardly see a thing.
Victor Meldrew: No! This! I mean... It... It isn't my suit!
Mrs Warboys: Isn't it?
Victor Meldrew: Of course it... Where in the name of sanity did it come from?
Mrs Warboys: Oh, don't tell me they mixed up the tickets again.
Victor Meldrew: Mixed up the... You must have seen it as a mistake when you brought it out!
Mrs Warboys: Well, I don't know what your suit looks like, do I?
Victor Meldrew: Well, it doesn't bloody well look like this! I mean where do you think I shop? King Kong at C&A's!