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Quotes for
Jack Stiles (Character)
from "Jack of All Trades" (2000)

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"Jack of All Trades: The People's Dragoon (#1.5)" (2000)
Mrs. Emilia Smythe Rothschild: Oh, I dropped my napkin.
Jack Stiles: Chivalry is dead. Get it yourself.
Captain Brogard: If Monsieur Stiles were my attaché, I would string him up by his ooh-la-las as a warning to all insolents wherever they may hide.
Jack Stiles: Take your head out and stay awhile Le Pew. Looks like you could use the air.

Jack Stiles: You're imagining things, and I would know. I took a bullet for Washington when he was crossing the Delaware. I cut the string on Franklin's kite to keep him from frying his fat ass, and you wanna know why? 'Cause I smell danger wherever it wafts.

Governor Croque: Execute her at once.
Jack Stiles: Wait, it's alright. No harm done.
Captain Brogard: What is the meaning of this?
Mrs. Emilia Smythe Rothschild: A test.
Governor Croque: A test?
Mrs. Emilia Smythe Rothschild: A test... of your security system. Right, Jack?
Jack Stiles: That's right. We were just trying to expose your soft spots.
[looking at Brogard]
Jack Stiles: And I think we've found the weak link.
Captain Brogard: I detect an insulting implication in your statement, monsieur.
Jack Stiles: I'm sorry. What I meant was, "You're a moron".

Jean-Claude: Jacques, have you forgotten why you were sent here?
Jack Stiles: Who wants to know?
Jean-Claude: Well, who do you think? I bear an urgent communiqué from President Jefferson. Squawk. You must find the stolen gold shipment and send it back to America.
Jack Stiles: What does he think I'm doing here?
Jean-Claude: Oh, I cannot say in front of the lady. Squawk.
Jack Stiles: Ha ha ha. You must think we're the suckers of the spy world, pal. Why would we take phony orders from a French carrier... parrot?
Jean-Claude: Squawk. Because you are not the only ones undercover, monsieur. Vive la resistance!
[flies away]
Mrs. Emilia Smythe Rothschild: That is the most loquacious fowl I've ever encountered.

Mrs. Emilia Smythe Rothschild: Jack, the way you handled that little girl was... well, very touching. Seems that just when I have you figured out, you surprise me.
Jack Stiles: Ha ha, are you kidding? A man will say anything to keep a woman from crying. It's like nails on a chalkboard.
[Em swats him]
Jack Stiles: Hey, you don't like the answers, don't ask the question.
Mrs. Emilia Smythe Rothschild: You told that little girl we'd think of something, and we just did. We're stealing the gold back from Croque, alright, but we're going to use it to pay off the people's taxes.

[last lines]
Jack Stiles: Well, you know how the shipping business is, you always lose ten percent in transit. You can't keep track of every little dollar. You don't have to say it, I know I'm wonderful.
Mrs. Emilia Smythe Rothschild: Seems you do have a moral compass after all, Mr. Stiles. You may not always follow it, but it's there.
Jack Stiles: Well, let's just let that be our little secret, eh?
Mrs. Emilia Smythe Rothschild: Incidentally, ten percent of the gold should be *more* than enough to free Annie's parents from jail.
Jack Stiles: If you're suggesting what I think you're suggesting, let me tell you just how wrong you are... over dinner, and I'm buying.

Captain Brogard: [he and the Dragoon with sword points at each others throats] In chess, this is what we call a stalemate.
Daring Dragoon: Yeah, in Parcheesi this is what *we* call a... come to think of it, there's no such thing as a tie in Parcheesi.
Captain Brogard: What does that have to do with anything?
Daring Dragoon: Well, *you* brought up the games. I'm just making conversation.
Captain Brogard: Then I have a proposition for you. Let us agree to live one more day.
Daring Dragoon: Fine by me. Oh, captain, don't look now, but your barn door's open and your cows are getting out.
[Brogard looks down, the Dragoon vanishes with an evil laugh]


"Jack of All Trades: Raging Bully (#1.6)" (2000)
Jack Stiles: Okay, here's the plan. You get on the grassy knoll, I'll position myself at the book depository, and we'll triangulate that evil genius to kingdom come.
Mrs. Emilia Smythe Rothschild: Don't be silly, Jack. That would never work.
Jack Stiles: You're right. We need a patsy.

Jack Stiles: Sorry Emperor, you won't be getting any head today!

Mrs. Emilia Smythe Rothschild: I never thought you would be fowl enough to frequent such a disreputable place, Jean-Claude.
Jean-Claude: Oh, I cannot help it, Madame. I seem to have an unquenchable thirst for sex on the beach.
Jack Stiles: [off Emilia's indignant look] That's another drink, Em.
Jean-Claude: It is?

Captain Brogard: You do not know how I have fantasized about this moment
Jack Stiles: Oh yeah? Which one of us was Little Miss Bo Peep? On second thought, don't answer that.

Jack Stiles: Oh, uh... Croque!
[Flips a gold coin to Croque]
Jack Stiles: This is for the broken window.
Governor Croque: What broken window?
Jack Stiles: Muhahaha!
[Crashes through a window]


"Jack of All Trades: Seventy Brides for One Brother (#2.8)" (2000)
Jack Stiles: The governor's party? I forgot about that stuffy brouhaha. Do we have to go?
Mrs. Emilia Smythe Rothschild: Oh, you won't want to miss it. The governor's guest tonight is millionaire sultan Mohammed Kareem Abdul Mosheriff Ali.
Jack Stiles: Wait a minute, he's the guy with 70 wives!
Mrs. Emilia Smythe Rothschild: Uh-huh.
Jack Stiles: Oh ho ho! Man, I bet he gets great group... discounts.

Jack Stiles: Is this where the Sultan lives?
Gate Guard: This is just his vacation home, sir.
Jack Stiles: Oh, good - then I came to the right place. He told me to stop by here for a job interview, so here I am.
Gate Guard: Did he say for what position?
Jack Stiles: Ah well, after seeing his wives, I was hoping to go through a variety of positions, but whatever you have open.

[Jack kicks a eunuch in the crotch]
Eunuch: No patties, no pain.
Jack Stiles: Well, at least you have guts.
[Jack punches the eunuch in the stomach, disabling him]

[to the headsman about to execute Emilia]
Jack Stiles: I like your style, but your execution's all wrong.
[Jack knocks the headsman out]


"Jack of All Trades: One Wedding and an Execution (#1.8)" (2000)
Jack Stiles: [after saving James Madison from the guillotine] Sorry, Emperor, you won't be getting any head today!

Captain Brogard: You do not know how I have fantasized about this moment!
Jack Stiles: Oh yeah? Which one of us was Little Miss Bo Peep? On second thought, don't answer that.

Jack Stiles: Oh, uh, Croque!
[Flips a gold coin to Croque]
Jack Stiles: This is for the broken window.
Gov. Croque: What broken window?
Jack Stiles: Muhahaha!
[Crashes through a window]

Jack Stiles: Oh, cut me a little slack, Padre! I had soap in my eyes. I can't be blamed for stumbling into the woman's locker room.
Priest: Well, I suppose if you didn't actually see anything... No harm done, eh?
Jack Stiles: Not a thing. I felt my way out of there like a blind sherpa in the Himalayas.


"Jack of All Trades: Return of the Dragoon (#1.1)" (2000)
[after crashing through a door to rescue Nicole]
Jack Stiles: I would've knocked, but my fist had other plans.

President Thomas Jefferson: Jack? Touch my niece and I'll have George Washington chop off your cherry tree.
Jack Stiles: Fortunately, I don't have a cherry tree.

President Thomas Jefferson: Jack, touch my niece and I'll have George Washington cut off your cherry tree.
Jack Stiles: [to himself] Good thing I don't have a cherry tree!


"Jack of All Trades: The Floundering Father (#1.3)" (2000)
Mrs. Emilia Smythe Rothschild: Ten of your American dollars says God is a woman.
Jack Stiles: Well that explains why we're always trying to please her, and nothing we ever do is good enough.
Mrs. Emilia Smythe Rothschild: It would also explain why we're no longer covered in fur while we hunt our neighbors for recreation.
Jack Stiles: Yeah, yeah. Next thing you'll tell me, God's British.
Mrs. Emilia Smythe Rothschild: I'm trying to break you in slowly, Jack.

Jack Stiles: Why am I doing all the work while you sit there drinking tea?
Mrs. Emilia Smythe Rothschild: Because tea time happens to be a time honored British tradition. When it's burger time I'll pedal.

[Jack and Emilia are dressed as French soldiers, about to sneak into the fort]
Jack Stiles: Wait a minute! You can't pass for a French soldier with those jubbies!
[motions to his chest]
Jack Stiles: You gotta hide 'em!
Mrs. Emilia Smythe Rothschild: It may surprise you to know, Jack, they're not detachable!
Jack Stiles: Too bad, it'd make a nice addition to my teddy bear.
Mrs. Emilia Smythe Rothschild: Oh, and it's a shame your Andrew Johnson isn't detachable either, I could use it to cork wine.
Jack Stiles: A Pinot Noir, no doubt.
Mrs. Emilia Smythe Rothschild: [sarcastic] Ah-ha-ha-ha!


"Jack of All Trades: Once You Go Jack... (#1.4)" (2000)
Kentucky Sue: She always go on like that?
Jack Stiles: Only when she's not yelling at me.
Mrs. Emilia Smythe Rothschild: Excuse me, I do not yell. I chastise.
Kentucky Sue: Too bad. I've never been one for chastity.
Jack Stiles: Yeah, you got that right, baby. Hey, you remember in Valley Forge when we melted that snow?
Kentucky Sue: You were some Minuteman.
Jack Stiles: Minuteman? What are you talking about, baby? I was a five-minute man at least.

Jack Stiles: I'm the itch you can't scratch. The gas you can't pass.

Mrs. Emilia Smythe Rothschild: If it works, France will use it to bombard England across the Channel!
Jack Stiles: So?
Mrs. Emilia Smythe Rothschild: It could pave the way for an invasion.
Jack Stiles: Big deal.
Mrs. Emilia Smythe Rothschild: England might lose the war!
Jack Stiles: Oh, boo-hoo!
Mrs. Emilia Smythe Rothschild: The fate of the free world hangs in the balance.
Jack Stiles: [yawns]
Mrs. Emilia Smythe Rothschild: You'll get to blow something up.
Jack Stiles: All right, count me in.


"Jack of All Trades: X Marquis the Spot (#1.13)" (2000)
Governor Croque: The Marquis de Sade is my second cousin, twice-removed.
Jack Stiles: I can see why you removed him.

Woman: Care for a lei?
Jack Stiles: Oh come on, is it that obvious?


"Jack of All Trades: Croquey in the Pokey (#2.5)" (2000)
Camille: I must admit, when I first heard the news, my bosom swelled with grief.
Jack Stiles: You've been grieving a lot lately, haven't you?

Jack Stiles: I got two words for you, N-O, and that's final!


"Jack of All Trades: One, Two, Three: Give Me Lady Liberty (#2.6)" (2000)
Jack Stiles: [Jack is cooking a Thanksgiving feast and after Em tries cranberry sauce and doesn't like it] You know, you're not exactly getting in the spirit of things!
Mrs. Emilia Smythe Rothschild: I still don't know how you reconcile displacing an entire culture
Jack Stiles: Well, don't get mad at me, I wasn't even there. Besides, you're missing the whole point of the holiday!
Mrs. Emilia Smythe Rothschild: Which is?
Jack Stiles: An excuse to get out of work and stuff your face. It's the American way!

Jack Stiles: You're not the only one around here with a pornographic memory.


"Jack of All Trades: Dead Woman Walking (#1.10)" (2000)
Jack Stiles: [giving the eulogy at Emilia's funeral] A humanitarian. An entrepreneur. A grand intellect with the body of a god. But enough about me...


"Jack of All Trades: It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad Opera (#1.14)" (2000)
Jack Stiles: Well, yank my doodle, you're a sportsman!


"Jack of All Trades: The Morning After (#2.4)" (2000)
Jack Stiles: You mean, we didn't play "Yank My Doodle, It's a Dandy"?


"Jack of All Trades: Sex and the Single Spy (#1.2)" (2000)
Monsieur Martin: I have a - how shall we say - a condition which requires me to wear special undergarments.
Jack Stiles: [sotto voce, to Emilia] A Jacques-strap, no doubt.