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: Who was that horrible thing you used to go out with before you met me? Onslow
: I thought that WAS you! Daisy
: No it wasn't! It was her from Coleman street! Onslow
] Oh, Bernadette. Daisy
: She looked more like a St. Bernard-ette!
: Honestly, the problems we have with your father! It's about time your Hyacinth had him under HER roof! Daisy
: Oh, Onslow, he's not been THAT bad! We can't punish him like that - it would be inhuman!
: When did you last see Father? Rose
: I can't remember. Daisy
: But you gave him his tea yesterday! Rose
: I know! But I never look at him - I just sort of hold out the plate, and this hand grabs it. You know I don't like looking at him when he's eating! Daisy
: Me neither...
: [On the phone
] Now don't panic, Hyacinth. Father's fine... as far as we know. There's nothing wrong with him... I think.
: Get the ladder, Onslow!
[Shoves and drags him out the door
] Richard Bucket
: [Screams in pain as they pass by
] AAAAH! Hyacinth Bucket
: Ah, now THAT was convincing! Why couldn't you do it like that when Elizabeth and Emmett came to coffee? Richard Bucket
: This was for REAL! They trod on my foot! The GOOD one!
: What's wrong with Richard's foot? Rose
: I asked her that. Hyacinth Bucket
: Gout! Rose
: It's an affliction that comes from good living. Onslow
: I have a twinge meself, occasionally. Hyacinth Bucket
: I doubt it, Onslow. You've probably got a fungus infection.
: [to Onslow in bed
] We hardly have any conversation these days. Even when we make love you rarely speak to me. Especially when we make love you rarely speak to me. Onslow
: You think doing two things at once is a formula for success? Daisy
: Its just that, at times like that, a woman likes a little confirmation that there's actually somebody there. Onslow
: It's that memorable is it? I'll tell you why I don't like chatting when I'm making love to you. Because the last time, right in the middle of things, you said to me: 'Onslow, if I'd've died in child birth, would you have married again?' Daisy
: Well, would you? Onslow
: Married again? I couldn't even finish making love!
: [Daddy is missing again
] It's no good going off half-cocked in these little emergencies. Somebody's got to keep a cool head and do the planning. Rose
: [Runs in
] There's nobody seen him in the street. Her at the shop hasn't seen him, and she never misses a thing. Onslow
: If you're gonna track him down, the first thing to do is find out what he's wearing. Daisy
[Both run out to look
: See what I mean about planning? A cool head. Daisy
] All his street clothes are there! He's not wearing any of them! Onslow
: So now we know what we're looking for - an old man in pajamas. Rose
: [Returns, holding Daddy's pajamas
] Wrong! Onslow
: Oh, nice...
: Here it is. Plan A. I'll stay here in case he comes home. You two go and look for him. Rose
: I can't go! I'm expecting a phone call from Mr. Bickerstaff. Daisy
: Who's Mr. Bickerstaff? Rose
: Who's Mr. Bickerstaff? He's only the best thing that ever happened to me. A chance to start again, to build on the security of someone who cares for me! Daisy
: I thought that was Mr. Crabtree! Rose
: Don't speak to me about that swine...
: Are we going to get up? Onslow
: You don't have to go to pieces just because it's a beautiful day! Daisy
: [Rose comes in, wearing the negligee she was sleeping in, and Daisy is aghast
] Will you put something on, our Rose? You'll be upsetting Onslow! Onslow
: [Is trying to go back to sleep
] No she won't, not this time of the morning. Rose
: Dad's gone again, he left a note this time!
[Reads the note
: "Condition Red. Enemy aircraft approaching. Don't get up, I'll handle it. Have you seen my ration book?" - Dad Daisy
: NOW we'll have to get up! Onslow
: I'll kill your father...
: Daddy's nowhere round the block! Rose
: Nobody's seen him! Daisy
: Did our Hyacinth ring? Onslow
: No. Rose
: Did Mr. Bickerstaff ring? Onslow
: Nobody rang. Daisy
: I ASKED her to ring! Onslow, you'll have to get the car out, love. We'll have to go and tell her. Rose
: What if Mr. Bickerstaff rings? Daisy
: You can phone Mr. Bickerstaff at our Hyacinth's! Onslow
: On her white, slimline, push-button telephone.
: What did she say? Daisy
: She says not to go over to her place. She's coming here. Rose
: Oh, that's all we need, a royal visit.
: I don't know how you keep the pace, our Rose. Rose
: It's not easy. If you relax for a minute they're going back to their wives. I envy you, our Daisy. Daisy
: Me? Rose
: It must be wonderful being married to a bum like your Onslow. So you can let yourself go completely. Daisy
: I wouldn't say completely. Onslow
: Near enough, completely.
: I hate tidying up. I'm under the doctor for being dizzy. I'm sure it's tidying up. Rose
: If you only got dizzy when you tidied up, you should have the clearest head in the area.
: We're going to have to tell our Hyacinth. Rose
: Oh, God, not tonight. Tomorrow morning. I couldn't face Hyacinth, not tonight.
: [on the telephone
: Oh, Roger! I'm not that kind of girl. Onslow
: How long is your Rose going to be lying on that telephone? Daisy
: How should I know? Rose
: Oh, that's a wicked thing to say, Roger, to a woman of my inexperience. Onslow
: I hope he knows what he's letting himself in for, this poor prat. Daisy
: You shouldn't listen in to other people's conversations. Onslow
: She'll Rose him to death. It's inhuman.
: [Daisy is awake in bed reading but Onslow is still asleep, with the covers pulled over his head
] How does Onslow breathe under there? Daisy
: [Not too worried about it
] Beats me. Rose
: Do you sometimes find him turning blue? Daisy
: Only his language, occasionally. Rose
: Are you sure it IS Onslow? It could be a total stranger. Daisy
: Never has been yet. Rose
: [Onslow wakes up and sits up
] Oh no. It is Onslow. You've lost again!
: Listen, Rose, if you're gonna start coming in at the crack of dawn, the least you could do is bring breakfast! Rose
: But you never eat breakfast! Daisy
: That's only because he tends to stay in bed until dinnertime. Onslow
: On principle, I've got nothing against breakfast. I'd eat breakfast if somebody brought it, wouldn't I? It's not against my religion or anything. Rose
: What IS against your religion? Daisy
: Getting up before dinnertime!
[She and Rose both laugh
: I notice YOU'RE still in bed. Daisy
: A wife's place is beside her husband!
: [Answers the phone
] Hello? Who? I'm sorry, I can't hear the phone for the television.
[shouts so she can be heard over the TV
: Onslow, I can't hear the phone call for the television! Onslow
: Well, turn it down! That's the practical solution. Why is it women never think practically? Daisy
: [to the phone, seething
] Excuse me a moment, but there's a fault at this end and it won't get out of it's chair!
: I think it's terribly careless of you, Daisy, to lose Daddy. Daisy
: Nobody's perfect. Onslow
: You can't keep 'em in if they want to roam. We had a bull terrier who was just the same. Hyacinth
: I don't think I care for that comparison, Onslow. Daisy
: It cured him when we had him doctored. Hyacinth
: Or that one. Onslow
: Well, we had to stop him biting the postwoman.
: She's your sister - you tell her. Daisy
: It's your fault we lost him. YOU tell her! Onslow
: How come it was my fault? You're the one that left him in the street. Daisy
: Because I had to go into the bookie's, looking for YOU! Onslow
: I don't know what you're panicking for, anyway... Daisy
: Because I've lost my FATHER! THAT'S why!
: [at Hyacinth's house
] You can see your face in this sink!
[looks at her reflection
: ... Unfortunately.
: I like the country. Daisy
: Mmm. Onslow
: There's never a dull moment.
: Come on, Onslow! I'd help you find YOUR father! Onslow
: Well, that's easy. We know where he is. He's been dead for 12 years!
: Onslow? Onslow
: Hmm? Daisy
: What's *limpid*? Onslow
: Wha'? Daisy
: What's *limpid*? As in: he gazed into her limpid eyes. L-I-M-P-I-D. Onslow
: Limpid eyes? Daisy
: That's what it says here. Onslow
: Almost certainly a disease of the retina.
: [to Elizabeth
] I should take Emmet for a cup of tea; he looks a bit over-Rosed.
: [Daisy thinks Onslow has another woman
] I wonder what she's like, his other woman. Rose
: Short sighted. Daisy
: I bet she's cheap and common! Have you noticed how they all go for cheap and common? Rose
: Don't knock it! I've had some of my best moments being cheap and common.
: [Dumbfounded, after Daisy accuses him of being untrustworthy because he's attractive to women
] I'm work-shy, bone idle, and out of condition! What makes you think I'm attractive to women? Daisy
: I married you, didn't I? Onslow
: When I was younger! Daisy
: You were still work-shy, bone idle, and out of condition. Onslow
: Well, yeah, but I was better-dressed.
: [referring to a knock at the door in the middle of the night
] Suppose it's a mad strangler! Onslow
: They don't usually knock on the door.
: [referring to their father and Mrs Braddock
] He can't stand her. Onslow
: Well, why did he promise to marry her? Daisy
: He said he didn't. He said he only offered her a temporary position. Rose
: I know just how she feels!
: I don't remember tearing your dress off. Are you sure you were with me? Daisy
: Do you mind? Onslow
: I don't usually tear your dress off. Daisy
: I've noticed. Onslow
: You've usually got it off before I get through the door. Heh heh heh! Daisy
: It was one of Rose's engagement parties! Yeah. Onslow
: Well that doesn't narrow it down much. Your Rose has had more engagement parties than I've had bags of crisps. Rose
: I heard that!
: [Onslow and Daisy are lying in bed; Onslow is asleep
: You used to like me in that pink dress. You used to say, "wow Dais, that pink dress!" Daisy
: [Daisy pokes Onslow to wake him up
: What is it you liked about my pink one? Onslow
: [Bleary-eyed, confused
] Your pink what? Daisy
: My pink dress! You said you liked me in that pink dress! Onslow
: Aw Dais, what kind of way is that to wake a person up? Other people get a cup of tea! Daisy
: You said I looked really edible in that pink dress. Onslow
: You haven't got a pink dress. Daisy
: Not now. You *tore* it off me that night! Onslow
: I tore it off you? Daisy
: Yes you did! Onslow
: You must have been on fire.
: If people can't penetrate unimportant surface issues, they're never gonna appreciate your fundamental qualities anyway. Daisy
: What fundamental qualities? Onslow
: I'm calm in a crisis. That's a fundamental quality. Daisy
: Only because you're too bone idle to rush about in a panic
: [Hyacinth comes into view, fleeing from the Major's unwelcome advances and covered in mud and brush from the long run
] What the heck... Daisy
: What's happened to our Hyacinth? Onslow
: At a rough guess, I'd say she'd been mauled by a bear!
: I'm off men. That's it. Finished. There isn't one worth shaving your legs for! Daisy
: Do you think I should shave mine? Rose
: For Onslow? Oh, I shouldn't bother, Love.
: Onslow, we're getting a new three-piece suite. Our Hyacinth's old one. Onslow
: It looks like new! Isn't it going to clash with our decor?
: I think it's so beautiful... Daisy
: Father's run off, and you think it's beautiful? Rose
: Well it's so romantic that he should run away at his age, all for the love of Mrs. Clayton! Onslow
: She seems to have that effect on people. Didn't Mr. Clayton leg it away as fast as he could go?
: [Onslow just woke up and she's trying to have a sensible conversation with him but failing
] Onslow, where do go to join the Legion? Onslow
: Cooper Street. Daisy
: Not the British Legion! The French Foreign Legion! Onslow
: They'll never take you - it's only for fellas! Rose
: Sounds like it might be worth a try... Daisy
: It's not for ME, you fool! It's for FATHER! He's gone to join the French Foreign Legion! Onslow
: He'll never get through the medical!
: [a gypsy is at Daisy and Onslow's front door
] It's bad luck not to buy something from a gypsy! Onslow
: Bad luck? When we live like this, how can you be scared of bad luck?
: Tell me what's wrong with Daddy. Daisy
: He's missing. Hyacinth
: Missing? Of course he's not missing. I suspect he's just mislaid.
: You're in early, Our Rose; I thought you had a date. Rose
: Oh, I've had a date. But Mr Ripley has to be in early. Daisy
: Why, when he's on a date? Rose
: Oh, it's not his idea! Daisy
: Whose idea is it? Rose
: Mrs Ripley's.
: [to Hyacinth
] Can you ask that Vicar if he has a vacancy for an experienced helper of a willing nature? Daisy
: Make that two. Onslow
: May I remind you that you are a married woman? Rose
: Go on, remind me.
[starts pawing Onslow
: Remind me!
: Onslow, where did we first make love? Onslow
: [Briefly becomes wide-eyed
] Would you repeat the question? Daisy
: Where did we first make love? Onslow
: It made such an impression on you you can't even remember it? Daisy
: I can remember when we last made love. Just.
: Why is Father standing in a bucket? Daisy
: Is he standing in a bucket? Rose
: Just standing there with both feet in the bucket. Onslow
: Is he quiet? Rose
: Yes. Onslow
: So leave him alone. Get yourself another bucket. Rose
: But I don't want a bucket! Daisy
: So why do you care if Father is standing in a bucket? Rose
: [Looks around in frustration
] I wish I'd never asked!
: Can you please forget men today, Rose? Rose
: All day! Daisy
: Oh all right, just for the christening.
: Is there any beer? Daisy
: You're not having any beer till after the christening. Onslow
: It's supposed to be a celebration, not a famine. Daisy, I really need a beer. On account of your Hyacinth will be here any minute. Daisy
: You're right. We'll both have a beer.
: How can you put up with him? Daisy
: I suppose it's love! Onslow
: Forget it. I've got headache.
: Hyacinth, who was that lady you were dancing with? Hyacinth
: Oh, that was Bunty, Dorian's wife. La la la. La la la. If her legs were working you'd like Bunty.
: I'm taking the veil - I'm going to be a nun. Daisy
: Your skirt's too short!
: She's a real organizer, our Hyacinth. Onslow
: She's a real... Daisy
: You never noticed when I got that new nightie. Onslow
: Let me give you a tiny word of advice, Daise. Now, you'll not find this in your romantic novels, but if you're going to wear a see-through nightie, don't wear a vest!
: Why is Onslow reading the Financial Times? Onslow
: I like to keep an eye on the economy. A bloke in my position has to wonder how long the country can afford him. If we don't get the economy right, people like me are gonna be in trouble! It's the duty of all of us to be concerned about the shrinking pound. Daisy
: And when I married him, I thought he was just a sex symbol.
: They're always tall and handsome, romantic heroes. Never short and fat. I've never yet come across a heroine who's fallen for anybody short and fat. It's a bit unfair, really. Plus, it makes no account of the weird shapes we females actually fall for!
: What I really need is transport. If I had transport, a driver to run me round, I could dramatically increase the range of my earning power. Onslow
: What about one of your boyfriends? Rose
: Ooh, all they want to do is mess about. I'm a working girl; I haven't time for messing about! Daisy
: [Daisy looks romantically at Onslow
] I remember when we used to mess about. Onslow
: I'll get the car!
: I've just seen a car pull up. It's our Hyacinth. Rose
: Oh, God! Daisy
: Well, near enough.
: Did you shuffle these cards? Daisy
: I'm a good shuffler. Onslow
: That's in bed. Daisy
: How would you know? You're never awake. Rose
: That's what I miss: a little companionship in my lonely bed. Onslow
: No wonder yours is a lonely bed; you're always in somebody else's.
: I thought boiler rooms were full of sweaty men with dirty handkerchiefs. Onslow
: Nah, that's the betting shop.
: Why don't we have a second honeymoon? Onslow
: I remember what happened the first time. Daisy
: Me too. I remember what happened the first time. Onslow
: We argued the all the time. Daisy
: Not all the time Onslow
: Nearly all the time. I couldn't get over that confession of yours! Daisy
: Well, I thought it was only proper. If we were starting married life, we shouldn't have any secrets. Onslow
: But what a time to spring it on a bloke. On his wedding night! I barely got started on all your new underwear and then you told me. Daisy
: I thought it was a bit much, you getting straight up and going out for a long walk. Onslow
: I had to think about things. I had to decide if I could live with it. Daisy
: I can't think what was so bad about it! Onslow
: You should have come clean about it before we got married. Daisy
: You wouldn't have married me. Onslow
: You were lucky I didn't divorce you. Daisy
: It's not grounds for divorce. Onslow
: Being a Liverpool supporter!