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: [points to Roy
] I like this guy. Earl
: He isn't even a family. Roy
: I am too. I'm a family of one. We get along just fine.
: How was your weekend? Earl
: Oh, I had two days of pure enjoyment all mapped out, then I got home on Friday and remembered I had kids. Roy
: Oh, you had to change your plans, huh? Earl
: No, no, I just turned up the volume on the TV so I couldn't hear the little monsters screaming.
: You're a lucky fella, Earl. A beautiful family and a TV with a modern, adequate sound system. Earl
: Yeah, I'm really proud of that TV.
: Fran, I'm sure this must be a little awkward for you, so, uh, if you don't wanna sleep together for the first couple of nights, I understand. Fran Sinclair
: Earl! Earl
: Roy, you're sleeping on the sofa for as long as you're here. Roy
: Gee, you sure that's okay with Mr. Richfield?
: TV's a powerful medium. I don't feel right in questioning it. You want another drink? Earl
: No, it might make me depressed. Roy
: [on TV with Fran and the kids
] Hi, we're the Wesayso family. We love each other and we love you, too.
[They all blow a kiss
: Line'em up. Bartender
: You got it.
[Earl had just gone into the kitchen to say hi to Ethyl
: How did it go? Earl
: It was one of the most pleasant conversations we've ever had. She wasn't rude. She wasn't obnoxious. She didn't hit me... Oh my God, she's dead.
: ...Ethyl's seemingly dead body was being buried by simple-minded son-in-law Earl, and his dim-witted friend Ray. Roy Hess
: Hey! That's an ourage! They got my name wrong. Earl Sinclair
: That is supposed to be me? That doesn't even look anything like me! Baby
: Not the mama! Earl Sinclair
: And why are we watching this show anyway? I wanna watch the puppet show on the other channel. Fran Sinclair
: That's a kid's show. Earl Sinclair
: Not so. They do some very sophisticated juxtapositions of reality. Fran Sinclair
: It'll last a year.
: [Earl, Roy, and Charlene have finished performing at a USO show
] Earl Sinclair
: I didn't see Robbie. Did anyone see Robbie? Roy Hess
: They loved us. One guy threw me his keys. Charlene Sinclair
: Oh Daddy. I know what I want to do now! No more aimlessly drifting through life. I was born to give pleasure to whole groups of boys!
: Dad, I can't go out there. I'm too nervous. Roy Hess
: Oh. Here's a tip for stage fright. Charlene Sinclair
: What? Roy Hess
: Imagine the audience is in their underwears. Charlene Sinclair
: Two thousand teenage boys in their underwear? See you on stage.
: [the baby needs changing
] You better do something, pally-boy, I'm starting to feel a little woozy. Earl Sinclair
: [rolls up his sleeves
] Yeah, I guess there's no avoiding the dirty work. Fran, We need a diaper change in here pronto!
: One badge. One gun. Three horns. Triceracops! Lieutenant
: Triceracops, you're unconventional! One more stunt like that and I'll have your BADGE! Triceracops
: Have this!
[shoots Lieutenant six times
: Anything else, Lieutenant? TV Announcer
: Triceracops. Coming this fall on ABC. Roy Hess
: Wow. A maverick cop who can't work within the system. I think that's unprecedented.
: No lunch today, pally boy? Earl
: No, my wife thinks I should be more spiritually aware, and my breakfast took her side.
: You ever come here again I'll feed you to my family! Roy Hess
: Yeah? Then I won't! Earl
: Good! Roy Hess
: Fine! Earl
: Fine! Roy Hess
: Good! Robbie Sinclair
: [reading from the book of dinosaurs
] Only by howling do we defeat the dark spirit which will turn dinosaur... against dinosaur... oh!
: Hey! We've been friends 20 years, Pally Boy, you never told me you could fly! Earl Sinclair
: This is the first time's it's ever haaaaaappened!
] Earl Sinclair
: I swear! Roy Hess
: Don't make it worse with a lie. Earl Sinclair
: Hey let's stay focused, Roy, I was fly-i
[almost takes off again
] Earl Sinclair
: Whoa! Did you ever see anything like that happen before? Roy Hess
: Well not in real life, but in comic books, spontaneous flight is fairly commonplace, for superheroes that is.
] Roy Hess
: What if the toxic waste somehow gave you a vast arsenal of super powers? Why flying could be just the beginning.
[Seeing Fran on TV
: Maybe it's her sister. Sid
: Her sister wouldn't have the same name. Roy
: I dunno, my brother Roy says it happens more often than you think.
: They're throwing dirt clods? Roy Hess
: Let 'em, our boys are gonna be throwing sticks. Fran Sinclair
: Sticks! Somebody could put out an eye. Earl, I want you to go there and bring Robbie home. Earl Sinclair
: Frannie, sweetheart, that's not possible. Fran Sinclair
: Why not? Our son could be in danger! Earl Sinclair
: Frannie, it's a military operation. No one's allowed up there, no mommies, no daddies, just soldiers. Charlene Sinclair
: And USO girls like me.
[Fran looks at Earl and Roy in consideration
: I'll see myself out, former pally-boy.
: We should be able to figure this out. Earl Sinclair
: Yeah, we've got brains the size of walnuts.
: Maybe, if you wish really, really hard, you can see Georgie. Baby
: Don't toy with me!
: [Robbie confronts Earl at the miniature golf course
] I am fed up! I HAVE HAD IT! I can't take it anymore! There's bills... and... and the taxes... and the baby... and... Roy Hess
: Maybe we should let the next foursome play through. Earl
: [Robbie is crying
] There, there, son. I know exactly what you're trying to say. You have had a rough time being supreme male, what with the job and the household and the responsibilities way past your years. Robbie
: And the baby... hit me on the head... with a big heavy... Earl
: Round thing, yeah. And you want me to take over again as head of the household so you can go back to being the carefree teenager again. Is that right? Robbie
: Yes, Daddy. Earl
: Well forget it! Now get off my lane, I'm putting for birdie. Robbie
: But you have to take over! Earl
: Not a chance! I'm having the time of my life and nothing's gonna make me give it up. P.A. Announcer
: Earl Sinclair, more bad news. Your wife's here. Roy Hess
: Gee, this really is a family fun center.
: Join the party. Ed
: You guys are makin' fun of me, aren't ya? Roy Hess
: No, we're just happy. Here, have some more of the plant. Ed
: No, no I don't like the happy plant. I used to like the happy plant. Now it just makes me paranoid. At least, I think it makes me paranoid... you all think I'm paranoid, don't you?
: Let's see, how can we make it rain? Earl Sinclair
: Well, we could have everybody wash their cars. That usually makes it rain. Roy Hess
: Or everybody could take a bath. No, that makes the phone ring. B.P. Richfield
: OH SHUT UP.