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: I'm not really foreign, you know. I just do it to appear more sophisticated. I mean, nobody'd buy Evian water if it was called Blackburn water, would they? Nobody'd wear Kicker boots if they were made in Scunthorpe! Abba? Abba, Swedish? I knew then when they were a Lancashire clog dancing trio! Arthur, Betty, Boris and Angela! Solzhenitsyn, Solzhenitsyn? A former pipe-fitter welder from Harrogate!
: [as Mr Balowski's nephew, Billy
] I've not always been mad, y'know, but um... I was actually driven mad by the indifference of architecture and council planners. Y'see I live in a tower block, and um, the thing about those is that there's terrible noise problems, because there's no noise insulation at all y'know, and 8 floors below you there's always some bastard who's got a Yamaha home organ, y'know. You're just about to go to sleep and you hear this doot-doot! chh-chh doot-doot! chh-chh chkdt BAH WA DAH BAH NAOW! doot-doot! chh-chh doot-doot! chh-chh! and like, the people who live upstairs from me, I can't understand what they're doing! Y'know I listen, and all I can hear is this weird noise and it goes voom voom, BLAT-NN BLAT-NN, voom voom, BLAT-NN BLAT-NN, and it sounds, right, it sounds like two elephants on a motorbike riding round and round, while a seal bangs a kipper on the table! I went upstairs to complain, and the door was answered by this elephant in a crash helmet! Standing behind him is this seal going
[pantomimes hitting a table with an object, the other hand on his hip
] Mr. Balowski
: "WHAT IS IT NOW, RALPH?"
: Excuse me, is this a cheese shop? Salesman
: No, sir. Jester Balowski
: Well that sketch's knackered then, innit?
: Well, we're halfway through the show and it's time for a half time report. I think the show has been going particularly well. I particularly like how the young lad, Rick, has been going off the joke into the dead laugh area. Going into the international sphere, they're going to have to face some stiff competition especially from the Swedes with their comedy series "Ooh, Where's My Volvo?" and also, of course, from the French with their comedy series, "Mr. Poo Poo Goes to the Lavatory". Anyway, the half time's over now and it's back to the action.
: There's no chance of using your toilet, is there? Mike
: No. Mr. Balowski
: I thought not, that's why I pissed in your garden.
: My name is Alexei Yuri Gagarin Siege of Stalingrad Glorious Five Year Plan Sputnik Tractor Moscow Dynamo Back Four Balowski. Me Dad was a bit of a Communist, know what I mean?