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: Listen to me. A storm o'hell's coming down on this place any second. I don't know what they are, I don't know where they came from. All I do know is that these fuckers are fast, nasty, and hungry... and there's four of 'em. They got claws like Ginsu knives and more teeth than a chainsaw. They're comin'... right now. So we gotta lock this bar down. That means doors, windows, drains, and zippers, and we gotta do it now. You! Get a phone, call the cops, National Guard, townies, anybody who kicks ass, and get 'em out here. Any questions? Bartender
: Yeah. Who the hell are you? Hero
: I'm the guy that's gonna save your ass.
[a monster immediately reaches through the window and kills him
: C'mon, I'll take you to your car. Honey Pie
: [as Coach steps up beside Honey Pie at the bar
] Not tonight. I have an escort. Bartender
: That'll be eighteen bucks, pal. Bartender
: [Coach opens wallet to pay, wedding ring falls out. Honey Pie shoves him to the ground and walks off. Re: tab
] Guess I'll just keep this open.
: Any more ideas, Animal Planet? Coach
: I-I was just being proactive! Bartender
: Hey Dipshit, I didn't see you helpin' did I... Bozo
: Oh, go douche, Grandpa! Beer Guy
: What now? Tuffy
: We're stuck in here, that's what.
: YOU! Grandma
] What? Bozo
: You know somethin'! Grandma
: Huh? Bozo
: You're old! You've seen things! Grandma
: I don't know a thing. Bartender
: Easy there... Bozo
: Back off me, whitey! I'm interrogating her. Bozo
: Old people know things, like legends and tall tales and shit. Grandma
: No... really... I don't... Bozo
: Come on! Spill it! Or I'll get rough! Grandma
: I don't know anything!
[Points to Bartender
: Why don't you ask him? He's old! Heroine
: Relax. She doesn't know anything. Bozo
: Yeah... allegedly.
: [Locked in bedroom as monster is coming through window
] Okay! I'm ready to come out now! Bartender
: [Bartender fumbles outside with key; it breaks in the lock
] Oh. Bozo
: [Panicking, rattling doorknob
] OH? WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "OH"? Coach
: [Relatively calmly. i.e. oh, shit
] Cheese and crackers.