George Simmons
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Quotes for
George Simmons (Character)
from Funny People (2009)

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Funny People (2009)
Dr. Lars: It's too early to know who's winning the fight: the medicine or the disease.
George Simmons: Did anybody ever tell you, you have a very scary accent?
Dr. Lars: You are a very funny man. I enjoy your movies.
George Simmons: And I enjoy all of your movies.
Dr. Lars: [surprised] Which movies?
George Simmons: The ones where you try to kill Bruce Willis.

George Simmons: So, Ira Wright? That's not your real name. You're hiding some Judaism.
Ira Wright: I don't think I can hide that. My face is circumcised.

Clarke: Have you worked with Cameron Diaz? That girl is hot, isn't she? Fuck!
[laughs, then looks at Laura]
Clarke: What? She's on my free pass list. Who's on yours?
Laura: George.
Clarke: [points at George] This George?
George Simmons: Look out.
Laura: Yeah.
Clarke: Oh, well, I'll just have Cameron then. On her surfboard.

George Simmons: Is your act just designed to make sure no girl will ever sleep with you again? All you fuckin' talk about is jacking off and farting. You think a girl's gonna come up to afterward and be like 'Oh, would you just jack off for me and then fart in my face?' That's fuckin' insane. Do you want to get laid, ever?

George Simmons: Are you mad that you died at the end of Die Hard?

Laura: No cussing in your standup.
George Simmons: That takes out half of my act.

George Simmons: So I'm guessing your friend is the fat version of you.

George Simmons: I want you and your triple XL friend to write jokes for me.

Ingrid: I like the movie where you have a baby's body.
George Simmons: So you like Re-Do.

George Simmons: So, which room is yours?
Ira Wright: Prepare to take a hike, because you're standing in it.

George Simmons: I'm surprised nothing happened with you and that girl.
Ira Wright: She told me she had a boyfriend.
George Simmons: She told me the same thing, when she was sucking my cock.

George Simmons: I know you want the Mer-Man poster.
Ira Wright: I liked Mer-Man.
George Simmons: Five year olds like Mer-Man.
Ira Wright: I thought it was genius.

George Simmons: [In Re-Do] I took care of you when you were a baby, now have to do the same for me.

George Simmons: All your jokes were about masturbating and farting.

Dr. Lars: Now do you trust my accent?
George Simmons: Yes I do.

George Simmons: Daniel Day-Lewis would have torn that scene apart.

George Simmons: Don't cry, you're making a scene. Everyone will think I broke up with you.

George Simmons: Good news, Bonita. I went to the doctor today. He said I was doing better.
Bonita: That's good, Mr. Simmons. I found the pants you were looking for. They were in the closet.

George Simmons: Don't say chilling.

George Simmons: Don't say ASAP.

George Simmons: You're my best friend, and I don't even like you.

George Simmons: [at the end of song to comedy club audience] George Simmons soon will be gone, and he's not going to miss any of you people at all. We've always had a strained relationship. You always wanted too much from me, and I'm very mad at you.

George Simmons: My balls are for everyone.

George Simmons: You wanna fuck these girls?
James Taylor: I filled my quota in 1982, I believe.

Tom Anderson: Now, do you actually use MySpace?
George Simmons: No, I fuck girls, Tom. I don't have time for that.

Eminem: You know what? I think you fucked up.
George Simmons: How's that?
Eminem: I think you fucked up. I think... I don't think you should have took that medicine.
George Simmons: Why not?
Eminem: I don't know. Personally, I think you should have just let yourself die. Honestly man, what are - what are gonna do now? Make another bullshit movie? Fuck another chick who doesn't like you? You know? That was your way out right there.
George Simmons: Mmm.
Eminem: Now you're fucking stuck.
George Simmons: Yeah.
Eminem: You're stuck, just like me. Can't go to fucking Chuck E. Cheese. I can't go to Target, I can't go to Best Buy. I can't go to fucking Wal-Mart, K-Mart. You fucking name it, I can't go there.

Eminem: Everyone in this fucking room is either staring at us, wanting to take a fucking picture.
Ira Wright: [Ira takes a picture of Eminem and George from across the room] Yeah. Got it.
Ray Romano: E-mail that to me.
Ira Wright: I will. That's awesome.
Ray Romano: Yeah.
Eminem: Who the fuck is that guy right there?
Eminem: [Eminem points at Ray] That fucking guy right there.
George Simmons: What? Ray Romano's bothering you?
Eminem: Who? Ray, Ray who?
George Simmons: Ray Romano, the guy from Everybody Loves Raymond.
Eminem: I don't give a fuck what show he's on. I'll fuck this motherfucker up, man!
George Simmons: Hey.
Eminem: Hey, Ray!
Ray Romano: Hello, Marshall.
Eminem: Fucking problem here, buddy?
[Ray shakes his head confused]
Eminem: Would you like to fuck me? Is that what this is?
Ray Romano: [to Ira] I don't get it, man. What's going on?
Eminem: Would you like me to fucking bend over for you right now?
Ira Wright: [whispering] Say no.
Ray Romano: No, man.
Eminem: [to George] I just gotta always be on my toes, man. You know?
George Simmons: I see that, but not with Ray Romano.
Ray Romano: [to Ira] This is why I don't go out of the house.
Ira Wright: I thought everybody loved you.

George Simmons: Am I not allowed to be happy or something? I've been living alone and alone and alone. That's my life. This is the only girl I've ever loved and I'm not supposed to do anything about this? When am I supposed to be happy? Why does everyone else get to be happy?
Ira Wright: Look, George, I'm just gonna tell you this, as a friend. From where I'm sitting it seems like your happiness might be coming at the cost of destroying this family.

George Simmons: I can give you my fax number and my e-mail. What's your e-mail?
Ira Wright: My e-mail? It's... uh... irasexira@yahoo.com.
George Simmons: Uh, Wow. I'm just... I'm starting to reconsider asking you.
Ira Wright: Don't do that. It's from high school. It was funny then.
George Simmons: Yeah, you should change it.
Ira Wright: It's, like, 13 years old. Okay, I will.
George Simmons: I mean change it now.
Ira Wright: Okay, I'll change it, I'll change it ASAP.
George Simmons: Okay, don't say "ASAP," either. And don't say "I'm chilling" or "It's all good" or any of that stuff.
Ira Wright: Okay, I don't. I don't chill anyway, so I won't. And it's not all good, so don't worry.

George Simmons: [sung] Fuck George Simmons. He has a medium-sized penis. He fucked so many girls and yet no one remembers. When he's done fucking them, the girl just lays there and says "I should have fucked Jean-Claude Van Damme instead of you."