Oliver 'Ollie' Hardy
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Quotes for
Oliver 'Ollie' Hardy (Character)
from Great Guns (1941)

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Our Relations (1936)
Stan: Shakespeare.
Ollie: Longfellow. What goes up the chimney?
Stan: Santa Claus.

Bert Hardy: Garcon? Garcon?
Joe Grogan: What do you mean Garcon? Grogan's the name. What'll you have?
Bert Hardy: Why, I'd like a nice, large, cold flagon of beer.
Joe Grogan: What's yours?
Alf Laurel: Bring me two nice, clean straws that haven't been used.
Joe Grogan: [comes back to the table with beer and straws] That'll be a quarter.
Bert Hardy: A quarter? What for?
Joe Grogan: Ten cents for the beer and fifteen cents for the straws.

Finn: [hands Hardy a bill] Here, have yourselves a fling.
Bert Hardy: A dollar? We can't do much flinging on a dollar.

[Last lines]
Ollie: That Laurel is the dumbest thing I ever saw.
Bert Hardy: The other one is too.
Ollie: You're absolutely right, Bert. Neither one of them can see any further than the end of their nose.
[Ollie and Bert walk off the pier into the bay. Fade out]

Mrs. Daphne Hardy: [Stops the desert cart] Pardon me.
[to Laurel]
Mrs. Daphne Hardy: Hey you, give me a hand.
[They each pick up a side of a giant birthday cake]
Mrs. Daphne Hardy: One, two, three.
[... and drop it on Hardy's head]
Mrs. Daphne Hardy: Happy Birthday, to you.
Alf Laurel: This isn't his birthday?
Mrs. Daphne Hardy: Never the less - Many Happy Returns. Come on, Betty, this is final!
[Storms off with Betty Laurel]
Bert Hardy: What did you want to go help her for?
Alf Laurel: Well I didn't know what she was going to do.
Bert Hardy: That's right, you wouldn't.

Ollie: I think I'll have...
Joe Grogan: I know what you two guys are gonna have...
[walks off]
Mrs. Betty 'Bubbles' Laurel: That's an awfully fresh waiter.
[Grogan returns and places a beer between Stan and Ollie. The throws two spoons and two straws on the table]

Ollie: Stan took me to see and Punch and Judy show; I haven't seen one of those since I was a kid.

Alf Laurel: Did you see what I saw?
Bert Hardy: Certainly, You know who they are? They're our twin brothers, Stan and Ollie
Alf Laurel: What are they doing here?
Bert Hardy: I don't know.

Stan: Shakespeare.
Ollie: Longfellow.
Stan: Needles.
Ollie: Pins.

Ollie: Come in, Mrs. Avaquist.
Stan: It wasn't Mrs.Twiddlepass.
Ollie: Not Twiddlepass, Addlequist, eh, Ataquist, eh, never mind who it was, who was it?

Stan: Shakespeare
Ollie: Long - Not now!

Bert Hardy: Well, here's another nice mess you've gotten me into!

Bert Hardy: Hey, Finn! Are you coming back?
Finn: I wouldn't say yes and I wouldn't say no. Oh, and if I see Alice and Lily, I'll give 'em your love. Maybe I'll give 'em a kiss for you!

Stan: Shakespeare.
Ollie: Longfellow.
Stan: What goes up the chimney?
Ollie: Smoke.

Alice: [to Ollie] Say, listen big boy, I don't think much of your taste. Ditching us for a couple of old frumps like these!
Mrs. Daphne Hardy: I beg your pardon! Do you know who you're talking to?
Alice: Ah, sit down old lady, before you fall apart.
[Sits down on Ollie's lap]
Alice: Now listen, cutie, I don't think that was very nice of you to walk out and leave us sitting here.
Ollie: [Stands up] I beg your pardon, madame, but just what do you mean?

Finn: The last time I saw them they had no clothes on.
Mrs. Daphne Hardy: They had no clothes on? Who is this man?
Ollie: I don't know, Mommy, he's an absolute stranger to us, isn't he?
Stan: He certainly is! Who am I - eh, you?

Ollie: But, Momma, let me explain.
Mrs. Daphne Hardy: Don't ever speak to me again - you overstuffed Casanova!

Ollie: Do you realize what you've done?
Finn: I don't care what I've done. Serves you right for not introducing me. Besides, they weren't so hot anyway. Where did you pick them up? Did you win them on a punch bowl?

Ollie: I'm going to teach them a lesson.
Stan: How do you mean?
Ollie: We are going to stay out all night! And we are not going home until they come to us and apologize!
Stan: That's a good idea. We'll give them enough rope so we can hang ourselves.

Drunk: Hello, buddies. What's the trouble now?
Ollie: Oh, we just had a little argument with the wives.
Stan: Yeah, you see, they don't understand us. So we're going to teach them a lesson. Aren't we Ollie?
Ollie: Yes and we're going to stay out - all night!
Stan: Yeah, till nine o'clock.
Drunk: You know that's funny. I'm in the doghouse too!
Ollie: Well, we're all in the same boat!

Stan, Ollie: All for one and one for all!
Drunk: All!
Stan: Shakespeare.
Ollie: Longfellow.
Drunk: George Washington.
Ollie: What goes down the flue?
Drunk: A good slug of liquor!
Ollie: Right!

Alf Laurel: Well, what do you think we better do?
Bert Hardy: That's entirely up to you. You thought of a way to get us into this mess. Now, think of a way to get us out of it.

Bert Hardy: [Stranded in a hotel with no clothes, Laurel suggests they dress up like the "fellas that look like Eskimos" in "Singapore" - using bed quilts and towels as their set of clothes] That sounds screwy to me. But, any old port in a storm.
Alf Laurel: It might be a good idea.
Bert Hardy: You've gotta be right once in your life!

Alf Laurel: What'd he say?
Bert Hardy: I don't know?
Man wearing a Turban: Don't you speak Arabic?
Bert Hardy: Oh, no sir. We're a couple of Singapore Eskimos.

Alf Laurel: Funny looking dames, aren't they?
Bert Hardy: I don't know. I kinda like that big, fat blonde.
Alf Laurel: The little one wasn't so bad.
Bert Hardy: They're cute.

Bert Hardy: Hey, listen, sailor. Lay off of the blonde! I saw her first!

Bert Hardy: What's the matter? We can explain everything?
Alice: You can't explain those two old cronies!
Alf Laurel: They're not old cronies. They're a couple of old welfare workers.

Alice: Well, sit down and have a drink.
Bert Hardy: We will as soon as we get rid of these two old battle-axes.
Alf Laurel: Yeah, we'll soon get rid of them.
[the two old battle-axes walk up behind them]
Alice: Is that so!
Bert Hardy: Oh, we want you to meet the two girls we met this afternoon.
Alf Laurel: Yeah, Lily and Alice.
Mrs. Daphne Hardy: I know all about them - you ungrateful hound!

Captain of SS Periwinkle: You double-crossing swab, give me that ring.
Ollie: Are you trying to frighten me? Go ahead, little boy, and peddle your fish.


Air Raid Wardens (1943)
Oliver: [inside the open car trunk] This is a job for the detectives.
Stanley: Maybe we should turn 'em over to the FHA.
Oliver: Yeah. Shhh!
[they get out of the car trunk]
Stanley: This must be the hide-in.
Oliver: Hide-out! Come on.

Dan Madison: Look, fellas, Uncle Sam wants everybody. There's plenty to be done right here in the home front. Why, I have a job for you. Here, take some of these posters.
Stanley: Where?
Dan Madison: Everywhere! We're having a big meeting tonight in the high school gym.
Oliver: What for?
Dan Madison: The war effort!
Oliver: That's right! There's a job to be done - right here at home!

Oliver: Why don't you watch what you're doing?

Oliver: Don't worry, Mr. Norton, now. We'll have you out in a jiffy!

Oliver: Now look what you've done!

Dan Madison: Boys, I hate to do this; but, I'll have to ask you to turn in your equipment.
Oliver: Now, Mr. Madison, surely you don't believe we were drunk last night?
Dan Madison: I'm sorry. The decision has been made. It's for the good of the service.
Stanley: You mean, they're better without us?
J.P. Norton: You men have caused nothing but trouble. First, you wrecked the gymnasium. Then you wrecked me. And now, drunk.
Stanley: Well, you know best. When we couldn't get in the Army or the Navy, Mr. Madison told us that we could do this kind of work and - it made us happy. We tried hard. But, I guess we're not smart like other people. But, if we can do something for our country, by not doing this work, we'll do that too. We'll do anything that Uncle Sam wants us to do. Won't we Ollie?

Stanley: We'll go down the street.
Oliver: We'll put them on both sides, so that they can see them coming and going.
[Ollie sings to himself while brushing paste onto a poster]
Oliver: [Stan accidentally puts a poster on Ollie's back, and removes it]
[Ollie brushes the poster onto a sandwich board]
Oliver: [sighs] Are you putting that one on upside - - oof - - down? Ohh!
[throws some poster paste at Stanley, which hits Mrs. Norton as she's coming out of the bank]
Oliver: Ooh!
Millicent Norton: Ugh!
Oliver: Ohh.
[Stanley brushes some poster paste in Ollie's face, knocking Ollie's hat off]
Oliver: Oof! Ugh.
Millicent Norton: Look at my dress, you've ruined my new dress!
Stanley: It wasn't me, lady, it was him
[hits Ollie in the face with his paste brush]
Oliver: Ohh!
Millicent Norton: What are you supposed to be doing, anyway?
Stanley: We're putting up bills, you see, for the gym...
Millicent Norton: Oh, the idea!
Stanley: Excuse me, maybe I can help you.
[Stan takes Mrs. Norton's handekerchief and tries to clean her clothes]
Millicent Norton: [frustratedly] Oh thank you! Good day!

Stanley: 111 Main Street.
Oliver: [pretending the building is on fire for emergency training] Hey,you can't go in there! That place is a blazing inferno of flames and smoke, where one false step might mean sudden death, it says here.
Stanley: Well, what'll we do if it's burn-...
Oliver: We'll crawl in.
Stanley: How are we gonna crawl in - - ?
Oliver: Get down on your knees and quit arguing!
[Stanley crawls into the building and briefly stands up]
Oliver: Get down.
[Stan and Ollie crawl in together]
Stanley: [they stand up] How do you do, Mr Norton?
Oliver: Careful, Mr. Norton, this place is on fire.
Stanley: Yeah, we've come to rescue you.
J.P. Norton: That's just what I was afraid of. All right, let's get started, boys.
Oliver: Yes sir.
[reads instruction card]
Oliver: "Fractured right arm, fractured right leg, possible jaw fracture, burns on the face." Mm-mm-mm. Uh, you'd better lie down, Mr. Norton.
Stanley: Yeah, and we'll fix you up right away.
J.P. Norton: Gentlemen, I want to cooperate, but uh, are you sure this is the place you were sent to?
Oliver: Oh, why certainly, I've got our orders right on a piece of paper.
Stanley: Show 'em to him, Ollie.
Oliver: Just a second, sir.
Stanley: We wouldn't come here without orders, you know. We've certainly-...
Oliver: I've lost it.
Stanley: You'd better call headquarters to be sure.
Oliver: Pardon us again, Mr. Norton; come, Stanley.
Stanley: We'll be right back.
[pushes a block-and-tackle hook away which knocks Mr. Norton unconscious]
Stanley: Look, he changed his mind.
Oliver: I thought he would.
[walks over to Mr. Norton]
Oliver: Thanks for cooperating, Mr. Norton.
Stanley: That's the spirit.
Oliver: Get me that plank.
[Stan brings a wooden truck bed rail over and accidentally hits Ollie from behind]
Oliver: Oof! Why don't you watch what you're doing? Put that plank down. There, now slide him over, easy now; easy, easy, that's it.
[Stan rolls Mr. Norton onto the boards]
Oliver: Now let's see: fractured back, raise that plank.
[Ollie gets out some gauze strip bandages and wraps them onto Mr. Norton]

Oliver: [Stanley makes a whistling sound while sleeping with his gas mask on; Ollie wakes up] Take that thing off.
[Stan takes off his gas mask]
Oliver: And get that whistle out of your mouth!
Oliver: Now go to sleep.
[telephone rings, Stan mistakes it for an alarm clock]
Oliver: [Stan puts on his air raid warden's helmet] Take that off! Will you go to sleep, please?
Oliver: [telephone rings again] See who that is.
[Stan gets out of bed and steps on a bicycle horn as he goes to the front door]
Oliver: [telephone rings, Stan closes the front door and steps on the bike horn again]
[Stan sighs as he gets back into bed]
Oliver: Well, who was it?
Stanley: It's the telephone.
Oliver: Oh.
[phone rings]
Oliver: Telephone?
[Ollie gets up, answers the phone]
Oliver: Laurel and Hardy, bicycles, burglar alarms, locks and keys.
Capt. Biddle: Biddle calling, blue alert. Proceed to your post, stand by for the red.
Oliver: We're on our way!
Oliver: Blue alert, come on, get dressed! We've got to get right on duty, right away!
[Stan and Ollie start dressing themselves]
Oliver: [Stan blows his whistle] Oh, put that whistle down and get dressed!
Capt. Biddle: Red alert!
[air raid sirens start blowing]
Capt. Biddle: Red alert!
[people all over town start turning their lights off]

Oliver: We're going over to the meeting and get our equipment. Are you coming, Mr. Middling?
Eustace Middling: I'll be over in a little while.
Oliver: Okay.
Stanley: Are we going to get helmets and everything?
Oliver: That's what he said.
Stanley: Gee, and gas masks?
Oliver: That's right.
Stanley: And "whis-tels"?
Oliver: Of course "whit-sells".

[Stan and Ollie go to Mr. Bledsoe's front door]
Oliver: [Stan blows his whistle] Not the whistle, ring the bell!
[Stan pushes the doorbell repeatedly]
Joe Bledsoe: Well, if it isn't the boys from the bicycle shop. And what are you looking for? Trouble, I hope.
Oliver: Oh no no, no trouble. Will you please put your lights out, sir? Thank you.
Stanley: Thank you. He was very nice, wasn't he?
Oliver: Yes, well that's that, then.
[Stan and Ollie see the lights are still on, and go back to the front door, ringing the doorbell again]
Joe Bledsoe: [Mr. Bledsoe points at Ollie, then looks at Stan] If you don't stop ringing that bell, I'm gonna throw him in your face!
Oliver: Nevertheless sir, I must insist that you turn your lights off. And if not, would you mind pulling down your shades?
Joe Bledsoe: Would you like to pull them down for me?
Oliver: Oh, I'd be glad to, it'd be quite a pleasure, sir.
[chuckles nervously]
Oliver: [Ollie and Mr. Bledsoe alternately turn the house's circuit breaker switch on and off]
Disturbed Sleeper: [calls Mr. Biddle] The people across the street are signalling to the Japs!
Capt. Biddle: Right away.

[Stan and Ollie walk up to Mr. Bledsoe's house]
Oliver: [Stan blows into his whistle] Not the whistle, ring the bell!
[Stan pushes the doorbell several times]
Joe Bledsoe: [Mr. Bledsoe opens his front door] Well, if it isn't the boys from the bicycle shop. And what are you looking for? Trouble, I hope.
Oliver: Oh no no, no trouble. Will you please put your lights out, sir? Thank you.
Stanley: Thank you. He was very nice, wasn't he?
Oliver: Yes, well that's that, then.
[Stan and Ollie see the lights are still on, and go back to the front door, ringing the doorbell again]
Joe Bledsoe: [Mr. Bledsoe opens the door, pointing to Ollie, then Stan] If you don't stop ringing that bell, I'm gonna throw him in your face!
Oliver: Nevertheless sir, I must insist that you turn your lights off. And if not, would you mind pulling down your shades?
Joe Bledsoe: Would you like to pull them down for me?
Oliver: Oh, I'd be glad to, it'd be quite a pleasure, sir.
[chuckles nervously]
Oliver: [Ollie and Mr. Bledsoe alternately turn the house's circuit breaker switch on and off]
Disturbed Sleeper: [calls Capt. Biddle] The people across the street are signalling to the Japs!
Capt. Biddle: Right away!

Stanley: What do we do?
Oliver: We've got to stop those spies, we'll warn Dan.
Stanley: That's a good idea.
Oliver: No no no no no, out the window.
Stanley: [Stan opens the window, accidentally kicking the ladder to the ground] Aah, ooh, aah, ooh!
Oliver: [Ollie pulls Stan back in the window] Now how are we going to get word to Dan?
Stanley: Let's call him up, we'll tell him right away we're going to...
Oliver: Put that down, that's a radio.
Stanley: What's this for?
Oliver: A carrier pigeon, lock that door.
Oliver: Get that pigeon.
[Ollie writes a note while sitting at the desk]
Oliver: Listen
[reads from letter]
Oliver: "Dear Dan, we are trapped on the second floor of the Moonbeam Inn on Highway 51. The place is a nest of Nazi spies; they're going to blow up the magnesium plant at 5:00. Bring help at once, we mean it, urgent. With fondest regards, yours truly, Laurel and Hardy, ex-air raid wardens." How's that?
[folds letter]
Oliver: [puts letter in pigeon's delivery tube] Now, there.
[points to portrait of Hitler on the wall]
Oliver: You've got to get up early in the morning to fool us.
[to Stan]
Oliver: Throw it out the window.
Stanley: Does it know where to go?
Oliver: Now pigeon, you go straight to Huxton,
Stanley: Yeah, and find Mr. Madison, he's the editor of the paper.
[Stan sets the pigeon flying out the window]

Oliver: [the German spies head for their upstairs office, knocking on door] Who's there?
Rittenhause: [in a disguised voice] It's Dan.
Oliver: We're rescued, give me the key.
Stanley: I gave it to you...
Oliver: Oh did you? I don't remember you giving me the key
Oliver: I'm sure that you're - Just a minute, Dan, be right with you.
Oliver: I tell you, you did not give me the -
[gasps]
Oliver: Oh.
Rittenhause: So sorry, gentlemen.
[looks at watch]
Rittenhause: We leave for the plant immediately. Heydrich, you take care of our friends here.
Heydrich: When?
Rittenhause: At your pleasure, of course. Come.
Oliver: Well, good-bye.
Heydrich: Freeze.
[Ollie's knees start knocking, Stan starts whimpering]
Heydrich: Hey, you.
[Ollie points to himself]
Heydrich: No, you.
[motions for a whimpering Stan to approach]
Heydrich: Stop.
[hands Stan an apple]
Heydrich: No! Put that apple on his head.
[Stan points to Ollie's head]
Heydrich: Yeah. Go ahead.
Heydrich: Now come here.
[Stan cautiously approaches]
Heydrich: Turn around.
[puts a gun to Stan's back, then hands it to Stan]
Heydrich: Here, now shoot that apple off his head. Go ahead, no monkey business.
Stanley: [whimpers] He's my pal!
Heydrich: Go ahead!
Stanley: Good-bye, Ollie!
[Ollie waves nervously; Stan successfully shoots the apple away, it lands in the mouth of Hitler's portrait]
Oliver: Ha!
Heydrich: Heil Hitler!
[Stan and Ollie wrestle Heydrich for control of the gun]
Oliver: Urgh!
[a moose's head lands on Heydrich's head, knocking him unconscious]
Oliver: Quick, the gun! Get - You, you! Get the wire. We'll tie him up, just like Mr. Norton.
[ties up Heydrich]
Oliver: Ah, there we are.
[puts a moose's head on Heydrich]
Stanley: Now he does look like Mr. Norton!
Oliver: Yeah, ha ha!

Oliver: [Stan and Ollie enter a roadside diner] Give me two nickels for a dime, quick.
[Stan hands Ollie the nickels]
Oliver: Thank you.
[Ollie calls the Air Raid HQ]
Operator 14: Here it is.
[picks up phone]
Operator 14: Operator 14, what is the incident?
Oliver: Incident? In -
[turns to Stan]
Oliver: She thinks I'm Mr. Norton.
Stanley: Well, be Mr. Norton, tell her about the magnesia plant.
Oliver: [impersonating Mr. Norton] Oh um,
[clears throat]
Oliver: oh yes, incident. Ajax magnesium plant, this afternoon, 5 o'clock, they're going to blow it up with 145 incendiary bombs
Stanley: Mr. -
[interrupts Ollie through out the call]
Oliver: 72 casualties, 156 German parachutes, all water mains broken, pestilence, famine, everything, be there at 5 o'clock, don't forget, good-bye.
[hangs phone up]
Oliver: [to Stan] Now what are you trying to tell me?
Stanley: I was trying to tell you about Mr. Hittelmouse...
Oliver: It's not "Hittelhouse", it's Mittelhaus, and what about him? He's not going to blow up the plant.
Stanley: I know, but they won't catch him, you see, he's with the air raid wardens, they...
Oliver: So what, he's with the air -
[Ollie suddenly realizes Mittelhause's role in the plot]
Oliver: Ohh!
[indistinct]
Oliver: Thank you very much, lady!


Pardon Us (1931)
Desk Sergeant: What's your name?
Stanley: Stanley Laurel.
Desk Sergeant: Say "sir" when you're addressing me. Now what's your name?
Stanley: Sir Stanley Laurel. Ffffff!
Oliver: He can't help that sir, Its a loose tooth, sir.
Desk Sergeant: Yeah, well, we'll be seein' to that. What's your name?
Oliver: Oliver Norvell Hardy, sir.
Desk Sergeant: [Looking over his paperwork] A couple of beer barons, eh?

Oliver: We're not going to the mess hall. We're not going to eat.
Prison Guard: You're not going to eat?
Stanley: No, we're on a hunger strike.
Oliver: Imfatically.
Prison Guard: What? You're going to pass up that nice, big roast turkey with chestnut dressing, and sweet potatoes Southern style, great big pans of hot biscuits, strawberry shortcake smothered in whipped cream, sprinkled with powdered sugar, with a nice, big maraschino cherry on the top of it. Course, followed by a nice, big slice of ice cold watermelon and a big, black cigar.
Stanley: Any nuts?
Prison Guard: All you can eat of 'em.
Stanley: How about postponing the strike until tomorrow?
Oliver: Well... But not one minute after tomorrow.
Prison Guard: Come on, fall in!
Stanley: [later; Stan sees their meal of gruel] Hey! What about that turkey dinner?
Prison Guard: [shouts] Sit down, you!

Warden: [seeing Stan and Ollie for the first time]
[sadly]
Warden: My, my, and still they come. Let us begin with a perfect understanding. I am just as sorry to see you here as you are to be here. Keep one thing in mind, it all depends on you yourselves just how you're going to fare during your stay here. Never forget that this is a prison, and in a prison, all the rules must be obeyed. Discipline is the one thing that must be observed. If you are good prisoners, everything will be okay. If you're not, if you break the rules, then it will be just plain hell on Earth. Do you understand?
Stanley: Yes, sir.
[tooth buzzes]
Warden: [begins to go ballistic] Wha...!
Oliver: It was his tooth...
Warden: [shouts] Shut up, you! Put them in cell 14!
Prison Guard: But not in with The Tiger, sir.
Warden: [shouts] Put them in Cell 14! Get them out of here before I lose my temper!! Talking to the warden like that! A fine piece business. Convicts talking to the warden.
[shouts]
Warden: Why, I'll take those men, I'll break them! I'll put them in Cell 14. I don't care who's in there! What I'll do with them.

Oliver: When are you going to get that tooth fixed? Every time you speak you make a funny noise. It sounds like a pipe organ.

Insurgent Convict: Hey! Hey! Hey! What are you doing there? Keep off of my head!
Oliver: Pardon me, I'm a stranger here.

Schoolteacher: You spell "Needle"!
Oliver: [pause] N-E-I-D-L-E.
Schoolteacher: There is no "I" in needle!
Stanley: Then it's a rotten needle.

Oliver: [Stan and Ollie disguised in black face] They'll never recognize us in a 100 years. For once in your life you've hit up on a good idea.
Stanley: A practical idea.
Oliver: What about the tooth? The buzzer.
Stanley: Oh, I fixed that too. I vulcanized it.
Oliver: You what?
Stanley: I vulcanized it. I put some chewing gum in there and it don't buzz any more.
Oliver: You're actually using your brain. That's what comes from associating with me.
Stanley: What do you mean associa...
Oliver: Tut tut tut tut tut.
Stanley: Tut tut tut tut?

[last lines]
Warden: My boys, and you are my boys, I hold in my hand the pardons for both of you. This is the state's gesture in showing it's appreciation of your bravery. It was the firing of the signal shots in the mess hall that saved us from a disaster of cataclysmic dimensions.
[Stan and Ollie stare blankly; Warden hands them their pardons]
Oliver: Thank you, sir.
Warden: Now go, begin life a new. Forget this. Let this episode here be just a hiatus to be obliterated from your memory. And don't forget that I'm your friend. Anything that I can do to help you start where you left off, call on me at any time.
Oliver: Thank you.
[to Stan]
Oliver: We'll start all over again.
Stanley: We certainly will.
[to Warden]
Stanley: Can we take your order for a couple of cases?
[tooth buzzes]
Warden: Why you...!
[Stan and Ollie run from the office; screen fades to black; "THE END" appears on screen]

Oliver: Well, here's another nice mess you've gotten me into.
Stanley: What do you mean - I got you into?
Oliver: Well, you sold that policeman that bottle of beer, didn't you?
Stanley: I didn't know he was a policeman. I thought he was a streetcar conductor.

Oliver: [at the prison dentist] Who ever heard of a dentist hurting you these days? Why, you won't even feel it.
Stanley: You won't feel it, but how about me? How about those other fellows?
Oliver: Ha ha ha ha, they were only laughing.
[sits down in dentist chair beside Stan]
Oliver: You know, there are times when you try my patience. There's nothing do it. It's all in your mind. Now just sit back and... Relax. Why they could pull every tooth in my head and I wouldn't even feel it.
[the dentist accidentally sets to work on Ollie's teeth; Ollie yelps in pain]
Oliver: Why didn't you tell him?
Stanley: I thought you were laughing.

Schoolteacher: How many times does three go into nine?
Stanley: ...Three times.
Schoolteacher: Correct.
Stanley: And two left over.
Schoolteacher: [nods; Ollie begins to giggle] What are you laughing at?
Oliver: There's only one left over.
Schoolteacher: D'oh!

Prison Guard: [placing the boys in solitary confinement] This is your suite.
Stanley: Have you got the time?
[Stan is shoved inside the hole and the door is locked]
Stanley: Ollie?
Oliver: What?
Stanley: I wonder how long we're going to be in here.
Oliver: Oh, about two months I guess.
Stanley: Gee, that's a month apiece.

Oliver: [singing] Now, she's to meet me in the lane tonight, if the sky is bright and clear, Oh moon don't keep me waiting here tonight. Watching and waiting, heart a palpitating, Longing for my little lady love. Lazy moon, lazy moon, Why don't you show your face above the hill, Lazy moon, come out soon, You can make me happy if you will. Now, when my lady sees your face a peeping, then I know I promise you be keeping, Tell me what's the matter are you sleeping, Lazy moon.

Oliver: Haven't we had bad luck enough without you spilling the salt. Make a wish and throw some over your left shoulder.


The Music Box (1932)
Stan: What do you want?
Policeman: I don't want you. I want that other monkey.
[Stan whistles to Ollie]
Ollie: What?
Stan: He doesn't want me! He wants the other monkey!
[Ollie looks around]
Stan: You!
Ollie: Oh.

Nursemaid: [as Stan and Ollie try to help her get her baby carriage around the piano box, it suddenly slides back down the stairs. Stan and Ollie frantically chase after it and catch the box after it stops in the street. The Nursemaid finds this hilarious and laughs uproariously as Stan and Ollie pull the piano box back onto the curb. Stan glares at her as she continues laughing at their misfortune] Of all the dumb things!
[She continues laughing. Becoming fed up with her, Stan kicks her in the behind]
Nursemaid: OW!
[She punches Stan in the face, so hard it knocks his hat off]
Ollie: AH HA HA HA HA, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
[the Nursemaid grabs a glass baby bottle from the carriage and removes Ollie's hat]
Ollie: AHHH ha ha ha ha ha!
[She breaks the bottle over Ollie's head, instantly ceasing his laughter]

Ollie: Where there's a will, there's a way.

Prof. von Schwarzenhoffen: [the piano is blocking his path] Well? Either of you two numbskulls going to take this thing out of the way?
Ollie: What's it to you?
Prof. von Schwarzenhoffen: I should like to pass.
Ollie: Why don't you walk around?
Prof. von Schwarzenhoffen: Walk around? Me? Professor Theodore Von Schwarzenhoffen? M.D., A.D, D.D.S, F.L.D, F.F.F und F should walk around? Get that thing out of my way! Go on, out of the way!
[Stan slaps his hat off. It flies into the street and is flattened by a truck]
Prof. von Schwarzenhoffen: Very nice. I'll have you arrested for this! I'll have you thrown in jail! I'm professor T.D.A!

Ollie: What were you doing up there?
Stan: I was trying to plug it in.
Ollie: That's not the place to plug it in! Give it to me!

Stan: [whistles] Hey, Ollie!
Ollie: [walks out of the house and looks up at him] What?
Stan: There's somebody home.
Ollie: Are they up there?
Stan: No, I heard them coming up the stairs.
Ollie: You heard them coming up... Why stupid, that was me!
Stan: That was you?
Ollie: Why certainly.
Stan: Well how'd you get in the house?
Ollie: Well I was standing on the ladder while you were pulling the piano up and the block and tack...
[angrily throws his hat up at Stan]
Ollie: Get back in there! Throw me my hat!
[Stan randomly grabs a hat and tosses it down, unknowingly it is his own]
Ollie: "Heard'em coming up the stairs."

Policeman: Say, what do you mean by molesting that girl?
Ollie: Who, me?
Policeman: Yes, you.
Ollie: Why I was just...
[the policeman kicks him]
Policeman: Now let that be a lesson to ya.
[walks away]
Stan: Are you going to stand for that?
Ollie: Say listen, if he'd have said one more word to me, I would've...
[notices the policeman had returned; laughs nervously]
Policeman: [kicks Ollie again] Now let that be *another* lesson.
[chucks him under the chin with the head of his truncheon]

Stan: Say listen, don't you think you're bounding over your step?
Policeman: What do you mean bounding over my step?
Ollie: Why, he means overstepping your bounds.
[laughs nervously]
Policeman: Oh.
[hits Stan on head with his truncheon]
Policeman: Now let that be a lesson to you!
[pokes him in the stomach]
Stan: Ooh!

[last lines]
Prof. von Schwarzenhoffen: Gentlemen, is there anything I can do to show you how sorry I am?
Ollie: [smiling] Just sign here. Service with a smile. Stanley, the pen.
Prof. von Schwarzenhoffen: [as he takes the top off the pen, ink explodes into the Professor's face] Why you... Out of my house! OUT OF MY HOUSE!

Ollie: That's the house up there; right on top of the stoop.

Ollie: [Repeated lines] Heave!
Stan: Ho!
Ollie: Heave!
Stan: Ho!

Ollie: Steady, Susie.

Prof. von Schwarzenhoffen: [Prof. von Schwarzenhoffen hears the piano playing "Dixie", and enters his house, turning off the player piano] What is the meaning of this?
Ollie: Do you live here?
Prof. von Schwarzenhoffen: Do I live here? This is my house! What are you doing here?
Ollie: Why, we just delivered your piano.
Prof. von Schwarzenhoffen: [angrily] Piano? Piano? I hate and detest pianos, they are mechanical blunderbusses! Take it out of here before I commit murder! Take it out! Take it out! Take it all out!
Prof. von Schwarzenhoffen: [Stan and Ollie lift the piano, knocking over two vases and a standing lamp next to the staircase] Out! Out! Owww! That's enough! Scram! Oooh, wait a minute! I'll take care of you! I'll take care of you!
Prof. von Schwarzenhoffen: [Prof. von Schwarzenhoffen leaves the room, and comes back with an axe] You and - I've had enough!
Ollie: Whoa-oh-oh!
Prof. von Schwarzenhoffen: Oooh, you! - Why, you...!
Prof. von Schwarzenhoffen: [the professor attacks the piano with an axe; Stan and Ollie make army salute gestures when it plays "The Star-Spangled Banner", the professor salutes, then he turns off the piano and picks up the axe] All right, I'll teach you to...
Prof. von Schwarzenhoffen: [the professor chops the piano to pieces as Mrs. von Schwarzenhoffen enters the house] I'll kill you! I hate pianos!
Mrs. von Schwarzenhoffen: Theodore! Theodore! What are you doing?
Prof. von Schwarzenhoffen: Why, these two blundering idiots delivered a piano here by mistake! Look at our home!
Mrs. von Schwarzenhoffen: Why, it wasn't a mistake, darling! I bought the piano... to surprise you on your birthday!
Prof. von Schwarzenhoffen: [Mrs. von Schwarzenhoffen cries] Oh, there, there, dear. I would never have this happen for a million dollars!
Mrs. von Schwarzenhoffen: I thought you said you hated pianos!
Prof. von Schwarzenhoffen: What, me hate pianos? Why, I'm nuts about them!
Mrs. von Schwarzenhoffen: Ohh!
Prof. von Schwarzenhoffen: Excuse me, gentlemen! What can I do to show you how sorry I am?
Ollie: [chuckles and twiddles his tie] Just sign here, heh heh heh. Service with a smile, ha ha. Stanley? The pen.
Prof. von Schwarzenhoffen: [the professor takes the pen from Stan, which squirts the professor with ink in his face; he starts chasing Stan and Ollie out the door] Why, you...! Out of my house! Out of my house!


Brats (1930)
Stan Sr.: If you must make a noise, make it quietly.
Ollie Sr.: Make a noise quietly. Hmph!

Ollie Sr.: Boys will be boys.
Stan Sr.: Blood is thicker than water.
Ollie Sr.: Blood's thicker than water. Hmph!

Ollie Sr.: That's it. If you brats don't be quiet you'll have to go to bed.
Stan Sr.: Yes we'll have to go to bed.
Ollie Sr.: Not we, The kids.

Ollie Sr.: If you brats don't get to bed, I'll break your necks!
Stan Sr.: Shh. Don't talk to them like that. Treat them with kindness. You'll get more out of them. Remember the old adage, you can lead a horse to water but a pencil must be lead.

Ollie Jr.: [after being warned for the last time to be quiet] Let's play hide and seek!
Stan Jr.: You're it.
Ollie Jr.: No, you're it!
Stan Jr.: No, you're it!
Ollie Jr.: No, you're it!
Stan Jr.: [crying loudly] I don't want to be it! WAH!
[throws a tantrum]

Ollie Sr.: [singing softly] Go to sleep, my ba-a-a-by, my ba-a-a-by, my ba...
Stan Sr.: [interrupting loudly] MY BA-A-ABY!
[kids wake up with a shocked start]

Ollie Sr.: Will you brats keep quiet? How do you expect me to concentrate?

Ollie Sr.: [stops Laurel partway to the bathroom door and takes the drinking glass out of his hand, then speaks in his typical bossy reproachful manner] Just a minute... you might SPILL IT!
[goes and opens the door, unaware that the little boys had left the bathtub plugged and with its faucet running full blast, and so by now there are several feet of water inside the bathroom. Both men are swept up and carried clear across the living room by the tremendous tidal wave of water that rushes out of the bathroom doorway]

Ollie Sr.: What's all this racket about?
Ollie Jr.: [in a plaintive whiny "poor me" tone of voice] He hit me!
Stan Jr.: I did not! He hit m-
[taking his hand out of the covers to try to point to Ollie Jr., then realizing with extreme chagrin that he still has the boxing glove on. He hastily slips his hand out of the glove and then half-heartedly points a bare finger at Ollie Jr., knowing that his complaint/accusation won't hold much water now that the fathers have seen the boxing glove and thus will suspect that Stan had been doing some hitting himself]
Stan Jr.: - He...

Ollie Sr.: [in an irritable bossy tone of voice] Shoot THAT ball!

Stan Sr.: [reaching out to stop Ollie from using his pool cue] My break!
Ollie Sr.: It's MY break!
Stan Sr.: [indignantly] It's MY break!
[points irritably]
Stan Sr.: You went in the pocket there -...
Ollie Sr.: [bonks Stan over the head with his pool cue to shut him up, then leans over the pool table with the cuestick to hit the cueball again. Stan quickly reaches out and picks up the cueball to keep Ollie from hitting it, but Ollie doesn't see Stan's action in time, and thrusts the cuestick forward where the ball had been, skinning off a strip of the pool table's green felt playing surface]

Ollie Sr.: [to the boys] Now, listen... If you don't keep quiet, you'll have to go to bed!
Stan Sr.: Yes. We'll have to go to bed.
Ollie Sr.: [turns to Stan, Sr] Not we! The kids!
[turns back to the boys]
Ollie Sr.: Now, keep quiet!


Way Out West (1937)
Ollie: We'll all go down to Dixie. Oh, for a slice of possum and yam. Mm!
Stan: Yes sir, and some good old fish and chips. I can smell 'em.
Ollie: [disgusted] Fish and chips!

Stan: Do you mind if I have another idea?
Ollie: If it's anything like the last one, yes.

Lola Marcel: [shows Finn the deed] Ha - *ha*!
Mickey Finn: Ho - *ho*!
Ollie: [grabs the deed] He - *he*!

Mickey Finn: I'm Mary's legal guardian. What do you want to see her for?
Ollie: [smiling and shutting his eyes in his famous charming disarming way] Well, sir, we aren't supposed to talk about that to anyone else.
Stan: [attempting to speak in a serious, slightly self-important tone, but obviously just blabbing away carelessly] Yeah, you see, it's PRIVATE. Her father died and left her a gold mine, and we're not supposed tell it to anyone but her, right Ollie?
Ollie: [looking disgusted at Stan's stupidity] Now that he's taken you into our CONFIDENCE...
[gives Stan an annoyed shove]
Ollie: You might as well know the rest!

Ollie: [Talking to Lola posing as Mary Roberts] Little lady, you've heard the worst. Now, prepare yourself for the best. Now cheer up. Smile. That's right. Remember: ''every cloud has a silver lining''.
Stan: [in an attempt to wax poetic like Ollie] That's right - any bird can build a nest, but it isn't every one that can lay an egg.

Mickey Finn: [the real Mary knocks at the door] Who's there?
Mary Roberts: Mary.
Stan: Mary who?
Mickey Finn: [nervously] Mary - Merry Christmas. Ohhh...
[opens the door]
Mary Roberts: Excuse me, Mr. Finn, one of these gentlemen dropped this at the foot of the stairs.
Ollie: [takes the deed from her hands, not recognizing her as the real Mary] Oh, oh why thank you, little lady, you don't know what you've done, thanks!
Mickey Finn: [shows Mary out of the room, closing the door] All right, all right, all right.
Ollie: [hands the deed to Lola, unaware that she's pretending to be Mary] There you are: signed, sealed, and now delivered.
Lola Marcel, the Singing Nightingale: Oh, thank you so much.
Ollie: Not at all.
[Mickey Finn utters a sigh of exhausted relief]
Ollie: Come Stanley, we'd better be going.
Stan: Oh say, what about the locket?
Ollie: That's right I...
Stan: We've got something else for you.
Ollie: I almost forgot it.
[puts on his derby and loosens his necktie]
Ollie: And besides that...
[unbuttons his shirt and takes out the locket]
Ollie: your father left you this family heirloom.
Lola Marcel, the Singing Nightingale: Oh yes, I - I remember it well.
Ollie: Help me get it off, Stanley.
[Ollie loosens his collar while Stan tries to take the locket chain off of Ollie's neck by pulling it up around his chin]
Stan: Am I hurting you?
Ollie: No, just a minute.
Stan: Won't be long.
[Stan tries again to take the chain off of Ollie]
Stan: Maybe I'd better try and open it again.
Ollie: I think so.
[Stan loosens Ollie's collar to get to the clasp]
Stan: It slipped.
[Stan unbuttons Ollie's shirt]
Stan: Maybe you'd better take your coat off.
Ollie: [starts to take off his coat] Pardon me just a minute.
[Stan removes Ollie's necktie and collar; Ollie takes his suspenders off and the locket falls down his trousers leg to the floor]
Ollie: [Stan reaches up Ollie's back and finds a thread, Ollie breaks the thread and discovers an unraveled undergarment] We'll find it in just a moment.
[Ollie takes off his shirt, and Stan notices the locket on the floor and picks it up]
Ollie: We got it.
[Stan hands the locket to Lola]
Ollie: I'm gonna go in and change, pardon us.
[Ollie goes into the bedroom to put his clothes back on, and Stan follows]

Ollie: [Mary comes downstairs] Goodbye, Miss... uh... Miss... uh...
Mary Roberts: Roberts, Mary Roberts.
Ollie: Goodbye, Miss Roberts.
Stan: Goodbye.
Ollie: [Stan and Ollie stop walking, Ollie does a double take] Did you hear what she said her name was?
Stan: Sure, Mary Roberts.
Ollie: How can she be Mary Roberts when we've just given the deed to Mary Roberts?
Stan: I don't know.
[Stan crushes out a cigar butt with his shoe]
Ollie: I smell a rat.
Stan: I smell something too.
[Stan discovers his shoe is smoking from the cigar butt, dunks his feet into the janitor's water pail]
Ollie: Come on.
[Stan and Ollie go back to the kitchen; they remove their hats]
Ollie: Pardon me, did you ever have a father by the name of Cy Roberts?
Mary Roberts: Why, yes. He left me here with these people years ago when he went prospecting.
Ollie: Well, who's that woman upstairs?
Mary Roberts: That's Lola Marcel, Mr. Finn's wife. She's my legal guardian now.
Stan: [Stan taps Ollie on the shoulder, and accidentally bangs his head on a hanging frying pan] Can I speak to you for a minute?
Ollie: Pardon us.
Stan: Yeah, we'll be right back.
[Stan and Ollie head for the main hall]
Stan: You know what?
Ollie: What?
Stan: I think we've given that deed to the wrong woman. That's the first mistake we've made since that guy sold us the Brooklyn Bridge.
Ollie: Oh, buying that bridge was no mistake. That's gonna be worth a lot of money to us someday.
Stan: Well, maybe you're right. We'd better go and get the deed.
Ollie: Say, maybe they won't give it back to us.
Stan: What do you mean, they won't give it back to us? We'll get that deed, or I'll eat your hat.
Ollie: That's what I call determination.
[Ollie shakes Stan's hand; they head upstairs]
Ollie: Come on.

Stan: [Ollie knocks on the door] Who's there?
Ollie: Me.
Stan: Me who?
Ollie: [annoyed] "Me who?"
[Ollie knocks again, this time on Mickey Finn's head]

Stan: [Ollie knocks on Mickey Finn's door] Who's there?
Ollie: Me.
Stan: Me, who?
Ollie: [annoyed at Stan's response] "Me, who?"
[Mickey Finn goes to the door, Ollie knocks on his head]
Mickey Finn: Well - What do you want?
Ollie: Out of my way, you snake in the grass!
[Ollie brushes Finn aside]
Stan: You toad in the hole.
[Stan yanks Finn's necktie, Finn kicks Stan in retaliation]
Lola Marcel: Say you slugs, what do you mean busting in here like this?
Stan: We want to know why you are not Mary Roberts.
Ollie: I'll take care of this matter.
Lola Marcel: So you got wise, huh? Well, if it's this deed you're after, you're just out of luck.
[Ollie grabs the deed from Lola, and a chase ensues]
Lola Marcel: Give that back to me!
Ollie: Take it, Stan!
[Ollie pursues Mickey Finn]
Ollie: Beat it!

Mickey Finn: [holding a pistol] Now, get out of here!
[knock on the door]
Mickey Finn: Who's there?
Sheriff: The sheriff.
Ollie: Just in the nick of time! Now we'll get justice! Come in, Sheriff, you're just the man I'm looking for!
Sheriff: And you're just the man I'm looking for.
Ollie: Oh thank you, this man -
[Ollie recognizes the Sheriff whose wife was pestered by Stan and Ollie in the stagecoach]
Ollie: Ohhh!
[Stan laughs hysterically]
Sheriff: [Ollie taps Stan on the shoulder, he stops laughing] I thought I told you two dudes to catch the next coach out of town.
Ollie: [meekly] Yes, sir.
Sheriff: Well, it left ten minutes ago.
Ollie: It did? Well, maybe we'd better try and catch it.
Sheriff: Well, I'd say you'd better!
[the Sheriff fires his guns, chasing Stan and Ollie out of town]
Sheriff: Look at 'em go!
Mickey Finn: Ha, you can't see 'em for dust!
[Sheriff laughs]

[last lines]
Stan, Ollie, Mary Roberts: [singing] We're going to go, we're going to go / We're going to go way down in Dixie / Where the hens are doggone glad to lay / Scrambled eggs in the new-mown hay / We're going to see, we're going to see / We're going to see my home in Dixie / You can tell the world we're going to...
Ollie, Mary Roberts: D - I - X...
Stan: [music stops] I know how to spell it.
Ollie, Mary Roberts: [music resumes] Then we're going,
Stan: [sings separately] All right, we're going,
Ollie, Mary Roberts: You know we're going,
Stan: [sings] You bet we're going
Stan, Ollie, Mary Roberts: To our home in Dixie land / We're going to go way down in Dixie / Where the hens are doggone glad to lay / Scrambled eggs in the new-mown hay / We're going to see, we're going to see...
[song fades out as Ollie falls into the creek]


Another Fine Mess (1930)
Ollie: Well, here's another nice mess you've gotten me into.

Officer: Say, Kelly, did a couple of bozos come through here?
Other Officer: Yeah, a couple just ran in there, why?
Officer: Well, they was trying to make a HOTEL out of the city park - - they had even put a couple of benches together so they could have twin beds! And when I told them to move on, the little fella tips his hat and says "yes ma'am." That's what I'm sore about!
Ollie: [after finding that they have gotten locked into Colonel Buckshot's celler by the doors' outside latch-hooks falling shut] Well - - here's ANOTHER nice mess you've gotten me into...! "Yes, **MA'AM**"...! Of all the idiotic - -
[disgustedly takes a half-hearted swing at Laurel]

Ollie: Agnes, call me a cab.
Stan: Huh?
Ollie: Call me a cab.
Stan: You're a cab.

Lord Leopold Plumtree: [to Stan who is dressed as the maid] Pardon me, are you of any relation to the butler?
Ollie: Oh, yes, yes, they're twins. You see, one was born in Detroit, the other in Mee-a-mee.
[Laughs]
Lord Leopold Plumtree: I don't quite understand.
Ollie: Oh, that's all right. Neither do they.
[Laughs]

Ollie: I beg your pardon, Lord Figtree!
Lord Leopold Plumtree: Plumtree, my dear fellow, Plumtree. My card.

Ollie: [to Stan] Come on! Let's reconoiter.

Lord Leopold Plumtree: By the way, Colonel, do you have any horses?
Ollie: [posing as Colonel Buckshot] I'm sorry... I shipped all of my horses to my plantation in Kentucky.
Lord Leopold Plumtree: Kentucky? What part of Kentucky do you come from, Colonel?
Ollie: [fondly and grandly] Omaha... dear old Omaha!
Stan: I thought Omaha was in Wisconsin.

Ollie: Oh, Agnes - - meet your new master, Lord Flagpole Crabtree.
Lord Leopold Plumtree: PLUMtree... PLUMtree! Lord Leopold PLUMtree! My cahd.
Ollie: That's RIGHT!

Ollie: Ahhh... at last I have found it, Lord Appletree!
Lady Plumtree: PLUMtree... PLUMtree! Lord Leopold PLUMtree! Accent on the "LUM". My cahd.
[He reaches in his pocket for another card, but accidentally takes out three cards at once, which he hands to Hardy]
Ollie: [leafing through the cards and reading them off one-by-one] "Plumtree"... "Plumtree"... "Plumtree"... I am terribly sorry.

Stan: [posing as the butler] You wish to see Colonel Buckshot?
Lord Leopold Plumtree: Why, I'd LOVE to! Hauw-haw-haw-huh-huh-huh-huh!
Stan: [turning away and calling toward the stairway] Colonel Buckshot!
[a few seconds pass with no answer]
Stan: Oh, Ollie - - uh - - Colonel Buckshot!
[No answer]
Stan: [speaking to Lord Plumtree and his wife] Wait there.
[He walks several yards to the foot of the stairs, then cups his hand to his mouth and hollers up the stairs]
Stan: Colonel BUCKshot...
[using his classic shrill whistle]
Stan: ... HHREEE-YER-REEET!
Ollie: [posing as Colonel Buckshot] What is it, Hives?
Stan: [wincing at the derogatory name Hardy has chosen for him] Lord Appletree - - he wants to rent a room.
Lord Leopold Plumtree: No, no, my dear fellow - - 'PLUMtree'. 'PLUMtree'. Lord Leopold 'Plumtree' - - my card. And I wish to rent the entire HOUSE.
[inspects the new card that Lord Plumtree has given him, then absently tosses the first card away]

Lord Leopold Plumtree: [shaking his hand in surprise and pain after the brace holding up the lid of the piano vibrates loose and the lid falls shut and pinches Lord Plumtree's finger] Oh, I say! I SAY!
Ollie: Oh, I beg your pardon, Lord Figtree!
Lord Leopold Plumtree: 'PLUMtree!' 'PLUMtree'! Lord Leopold 'Plumtree'!
[He hands Hardy another card]
Ollie: Ah, a thousand pardons - - my mistake!


A Chump at Oxford (1940)
Stan: This joint is really screwy! There's a gent over there who just said he wants his salad served undressed!
Ollie: Well, you heard what he said - serve the salad undressed!

Student: Pardon me sir, but haven't you come to the wrong college?
Ollie: This is Oxford isn't it?
Student: Yes but, you're dressed for Eton
Stan: Just as well, we haven't eaten since breakfast

[last lines]
Stan: Ollie, where ya goin'?
Ollie: Back to America for me!
Stan: Ollie?
Ollie: What?
Stan: [starts to cry] You're going without me...
Ollie: Stan! You know me!
Stan: Well, of course I know you... What do you have, one of those dizzy spells?

Stan: He must have one of those dizzy spells.
Ollie: Yeah, he's a dizzy dean!

Ollie: Einstein?... if it wasn't for that bump on the head he wouldn't know Einstein from a beer stein...

Ollie: [refering to the Dean] Have you ever seen a face like that anyhwere but in a zoo?
Stan: Sure... in a monkey house.
Ollie: A monkey house!
[laughs]
Ollie: I never thought of that!

Ollie: [in the maze] Where are you?
Stan: I'm over here... where are you?
Ollie: I'm here.
Stan: How can you be here if I'm here?

Meredith: [speaking of Lord Paddington] And when he got angry, he would wiggle his ears in the most extraordinary fashion, and he would fight like a demon.
Ollie: Fight like demon...
[to Stan]
Ollie: Wiggle your ears.
Stan: Huh?
Ollie: [sternly] Wiggle your ears!
Stan: [Stan tries to wiggle his ears] I can't wiggle my ears.
Ollie: Of course not; it's another rib.

Ollie: [to Meredith about Stan] Brilliant mind?
[laughs]
Ollie: Why, I've known him for years, and he's the dumbest guy I ever saw. Aren't you, Stanley?
Stan: I certainly am!

Ollie: Listen, I've had enough of this! Why I knew you when I had more brains in my little finger than you had in your whole carcass... even with your overcoat on!
Lord Paddington: You're a witty old stick-in-the-mud, aren't you, Fatty?
Ollie: You bet I am, and don't call me Fatty!
Lord Paddington: Now don't get excited, old boy...
Ollie: Who's excited? I'm through. You can take your lordships, your Oxford and your Paddingtons and do what you like with them!

Ollie: And there's one more thing, too: I didn't like that double chin crack!


Men O'War (1929)
Ollie: When I ask you to have a drink, you refuse.
[Stan nods in acknowledgement, but begins to look confused the more he thinks about it]
Ollie: Everything is just going to be fine.
[Points to each girl]
Ollie: Soda, soda,
[points to self]
Ollie: Soda, and what will you have Stan?
Stan: Soda.

Ollie: Can't you GRASP the situation? You must refuse!
Stan: But you keep asking me.
Ollie: I'm only putting it on for the goils.
Stan: OH!
Ollie: [stretching the words] And we've only got FIF-TEEN CENTS.
[Stan nods in acknowledgement, finally getting it]
Ollie: That's right, now come on. Now, let's see...
[points to each girl]
Ollie: Soda, soda,
[points to self]
Ollie: Soda, and my dear Stan, what will you have?
Stan: I don't want any.
Girl: Oh, General, don't be a piker.
Stan: Okay, I'll have a banana split.

Sodajerk: What flavor?
Ollie: [innocently] Sassafras.
[Stan taps him]
Ollie: What is it?
Stan: I don't like frassasass.
Sodajerk: D'oh.
Ollie: [exasperated] Three sodas. One with frassa... Sassafrass!
[shoves Stan]
Ollie: Shut up.

Ollie: And why did you do it?
Stan: I had to. My half was on the bottom. I had to drink it all to get it.

Ollie: Go ahead and drink your half.
[Stanley drinks the entire soda]
Ollie: [Ollie picks up the glass and finds it empty. He gives Stan a shameful look, making him hang his head] Do you know what you've done?
[nods]
Ollie: What made you do it?
Stan: I couldn't help it.
Ollie: Why?
Stan: My half was on the bottom.
[cries]

Ollie: [refering to the panties he has picked up] I'll bet you miss them.
[giggles]
Girl: [refering to her lost gloves] You can just imagine! And I washed them with gasoline just this morning.

Sodajerk: Now remember, I want this boat back in half an hour.
Ollie: Okay, Grandpa.


Hog Wild (1930)
Mrs. Hardy: [runs up to Ollie] Oh Oliver darling, this is terrible.
Ollie: Oh, don't cry over me, dear. I'm not hurt.
Mrs. Hardy: I'm not crying over you. The man came and took the radio away.
[sobs]

Mrs. Hardy: Listen. I think you'd better let that radio go.
Ollie: I should say not. I'll get that thing working if it's the last thing I do!

Stan: I thought you were going to meet me.
Ollie: I was, but I've got to put the aerial up. Mrs. Hardy wants to get Japan.
Stan: Gee, I'd like to hear Japan too.

Stan: Do you mind if I help you?
Ollie: I don't mind... that is, if you'll HELP me.

Mrs. Hardy: What are you looking for?
Ollie: [oblivious to the fact that he's wearing it] Where is my hat?
Mrs. Hardy: [sarcastically] Well, why don't you look for it?
Ollie: Why don't I look for it? I've looked everywhere!
Mrs. Hardy: Everywhere?
Ollie: Yes, everywhere that I've had my feet.

Ollie: [rings bell] Yoo-hoo. TILLIE! Have you seen my hat?
Tillie - the Hardy's Maid: Why... why...
Ollie: Don't stand there stuttering. Have you seen my hat?
Mrs. Hardy: Of course she's seen your hat.
[to Tillie]
Mrs. Hardy: You may go.
[Tillie laughs at Ollie, because he's so upset about not being able to find something that's sitting right on his head, and leaves]
Ollie: There you are. How do you expect me to uphold the dignity in my home when you belittle me in front of the servants?

Ollie: That's the trouble with you wives. You're always hidings things so that we husbands can't find them. Why I can't even find the telephone in this house!


Twice Two (1933)
Oliver: Baby, how about we go out to dinner?
Stanley: [butting in] That's a good idea. Let's go to Foo-Yung's and get some sukiyaki.
Oliver: "Sukiyaki." Hmph!

Oliver: Well what did she say?
Stanley: She told me not to tell you that she's got a surprise for you.
Oliver: Well don't tell me.
Stanley: I won't. I can keep a secret.

Mrs. Hardy: Why don't you leave him alone. You're always picking on him. Pick pick pick pick.
Mrs. Laurel: You keep your big mouth out of this!
Mrs. Hardy: [gasp] Did you hear what she said?
Oliver: [gives a little nod]
Mrs. Hardy: [crying] I haven't got a big mouth have I?
Oliver: [shakes his head]

Stanley: I'll take chocolate.
Soda Jerk: We haven't any!
Oliver: [the phone rings again. Mrs. Laurel, having become exasperated at the prospect that her husband is calling yet again to inform her that the additional requested ice cream flavor is unavailable] I'll get it.
[stands and answers the phone]
Oliver: Hello? Well, get vanilla. Anything!
[hangs up]
Stanley: I'll take vanilla.
Soda Jerk: We haven't any.
Stanley: Well, what have you got?
Soda Jerk: I told you we don't sell ice cream here. Next door.
[points; Stan mimics his point, dumbfounded again. He shrugs as if to indicate defeat and leaves]

Mrs. Laurel: [to Mrs. Hardy] Just because you wear the pants in your family, that's no sign you're going to wear them in mine.
Oliver: Oh, well I wear my own pants in this family.
Mrs. Laurel: Yes, and I wear mine.
[Stan takes that literally and lifts her dress to see if she's wearing pants, and she slaps his hands away]

Mrs. Hardy: [to Stan] Don't pay any attention to her. It serves us right for marrying into such a family.
Oliver: Wait a minute. What's the matter with my family? I'll have you know that my family's just as good as your family.
Mrs. Hardy: Oh yeah?
Oliver: Yeah.
Mrs. Hardy: After all our family's done for your family...
Oliver: [slaps the table repeatedly] Let's stop this arguing and get dinner over so I can find out what the surprise is.
[Stan spits out his drink. Mrs. Laurel glares at him while Ollie looks down sheepishly]
Mrs. Laurel: Oh, so you told him, didn't ya?
[looks upward. Stan follows her gaze, only for her to smash a dish on his chin]
Mrs. Laurel: Now let that be a lesson to ya.
Mrs. Hardy: If I wasn't a perfect lady, I'd bust you in the nose.


Blotto (1930)
Ollie: [Last lines to Cab Driver. Running out of club with Stan and Mrs. Laurel in pursuit] Out of the city! Anywhere! Anyplace!

Ollie: You certainly can tell good liquor when you taste it!

Stan: Good-bye.
Mrs. Laurel: [Calling after Stan as he leaves the house] Good-bye, Stanley.
[Looking into bushes where Ollie is hiding]
Mrs. Laurel: Good-bye, Mr. Hardy.
[Mrs. Laurel closes the front door]
Ollie: Is she wise?
Stan: No. She doesn't suspect a thing.

Stan: [Talking on the phone] Shhhh!
Ollie: What's the matter? Is your wife there?

Ollie: Oh, say, do you know where we can get a bottle?
Stan: Yeah, my wife's got one. She's been savin' it since prohibition.
Ollie: Won't she miss it?
Stan: No, I'll blame it on the iceman.

Stan: [Stan laughs to himself]
Ollie: What are you laughing at?
Stan: [Stan continues to laugh and gradually loses control of answering Ollie's question]
Stan: Wait 'til my wife finds out we drank her liquor!
Stan, Ollie: [Both laugh hysterically]


Me and My Pal (1933)
Oliver: You know what a magnate is, don't you?
Stanley: Sure, it's a thing that eats cheese.

Oliver: Now why did you get two tickets to Chicago when you know that I wanted to spend my honeymoon in Sascatchewan.
Stanley: Well the man said there was no such place as sus - -Swee - Sas...

Policeman: There's a piece missing out of that puzzle and nobody leaves this place 'til we find it.
Peter Cucumber: What has that got to do with me?
Policeman: You're going to be searched.
Oliver: You don't understand, sir, that's Mr. Peter Cucumber. The big oil magnate.
Policeman: I don't care if he's Mr. Dill Pickle, he's going to be searched!

Oliver: [doorbell rings; to Hives] See who that is.
Hives, the butler: [to telegram messenger] See who that is.
Telegram messenger: [to policeman] See who that is.
Policeman: [to cabdriver] See who that is.
Cabdriver: [to Stan] See who that is.
Stanley: [to Oliver] See who it is.
Oliver: [doorbell rings again] Come in!

Oliver: [shoving Stan] This is all your fault, bringing the jigsaw puzzle here in the first place.

[learning that Mr. Cucumber is on the phone]
Oliver: [to Stanley] You take it. Tell him I left 10 minutes ago.
Stanley: [goes to phone where Mr. Cucumber is mad]
Peter Cucumber: Do you realize you're holding everything up? Where is Mr. Hardy?
Stanley: He's right here. And he told me to tell you that we left 10 minutes ago.
[hangs up]
Peter Cucumber: [makes his weird eye expression] Da-oh.


Helpmates (1932)
Ollie: Get this house cleaned up! Do you know that my wife will be home at noon!
Stan: Say, what do you think I am? Cinderella? If I had any sense I'd walk out on you.
Ollie: Well it's a good thing you haven't any sense!
Stan: It certainly is!

Ollie: Why weren't you at the party last night?
Stan: I couldn't make it. I was bitten by a dog.
Ollie: I can't understand you. Spell it.
Stan: A dog bit me. B-I-it me. Bit me.
Ollie: Where?
Stan: [Rolls up sleeve and puts the telephone to the injured area] They had to take me to the hospital last night and they said I might have hydrophosphates.

Ollie: Do you realise that this is the only suit I've got left? It's enough to make a man burst out crying.
[Stan starts to cry]
Ollie: Shut Up! Don't you realise my wife will be home at noon?

Ollie: Listen, I'm in a slight predicament. My wife's coming home at noon today unexpectedly. And just look at this house.
Stan: [sees the mess] What's the matter with it?
Ollie: What's the matter with it? You never met my wife, have you?
Stan: Yes, I never did.
Ollie: What do you mean "Yes I never did"?
[shows him wedding photo]
Ollie: That's my wife.
Stan: Isn't she sweet.
Ollie: Charming.
Stan: Where is your wife?
Ollie: She's in Chicago with her mother.
Stan: Is she having a nice time?
Ollie: Sure she's having a nice time, she's been gone for more than a week, I- I don't care whether she's having a nice time or not! What I mean is that if she comes home and sees the house like this, she'll know that I've been throwing a wild party!

Ollie: [shouts] Hello!
Mrs. Hardy: Don't you yell at me. I'm not deaf!
Ollie: Oh, hello, honey baby. Where are you?
Mrs. Hardy: Where am I? I'm down here at the railroad station. And if I stay here much longer they'll put me in the roundhouse.


Oliver the Eighth (1934)
Stanley: [reading newspaper] Listen to this... wealthy young widow with large fortune seeks male companionship... object matrimony.
Oliver: It's probably some old crab with a face that would stop a clock!
Stanley: Well, I'd marry her.
Oliver: You would!
Stanley: No, listen... I'd take some of the money, and I'd have her face lifted. Then we could settle down, congenial, and we would have to scrape chins any more... wouldn't have to work hard any more.
Oliver: Tell me that again.
Stanley: Well, I could take some of the money... and I'd have her skinned... and she'd be able to look at a clock without having to work hard any more... and we could settle down and scrape each other's chin... and congenial... if I didn't have to work hard anymore.
Oliver: I know exactly what you mean.

Stanley: [giving his famous shrill whistle as Jitters walks away after picking up the imaginary cards] HREEE-yer-REET!
[Jitters turns and comes back]
Stanley: You dropped one.
Jitters the butler: [obligingly reaches down to pick up another imaginary card] Oh - - thank you!
Oliver: [in a disgusted mocking tone] 'You DROPPED one' - - HUMPH!

Oliver: [preparing to leave to mail the answers to the wioidnow's personals ad, but then noticing what appear to be some extra initials written near the bottom of Stan's envelope] What does "P.T.O." mean?
Stanley: "Please Turn Over".
Oliver: [turns over the envelope and sees, "S.W.A.K. X" written near the gummed flap] "Sealed With A KISS" - -
[Gives his famous scrunched-eyed grimace of disgust at the silly mushiness of the message]
Oliver: MMFPH!

Oliver: [preparing to leave to mail their answers to the widow's personals ad, but then noticing what appear to be some extra initials written near the bottom of Stan's envelope] What does "P.T.O." mean?
Stanley: "Please Turn Over".
Oliver: [turns over the envelope and sees, "S.W.A.K. X" written near the gummed flap] "Sealed With A KISS" - -
[Gives his famous scrunched-eyed grimace of disgust at the silly mushiness of the message]
Oliver: MMFPH!


Them Thar Hills (1934)
Stanley Laurel: Your bath's ready.
Ollie Hardy: You know I can't take a bath with this foot. And besides, it isn't Saturday.

[They have arrived at a clearing up in the mountains]
Ollie Hardy: Isn't this ideal?
Stanley Laurel: It sure is. One month up here and we wouldn't know each other. We've got a well and water and lots of it and everything.
Ollie Hardy: Go in and ask the folks if they mind if we park here.
[Stan goes up to the door, knocks on it, it opens and the building is empty]
Ollie Hardy: Anyone home?
Stanley Laurel: Not now but there was a minute ago.
Ollie Hardy: Who was it?
Stanley Laurel: It was me. You see I was knocking on the door and...
Ollie Hardy: Nevermind the details. C'mon let's get some food, I'm famished. "I was knocking on the door." Hmph!

Stanley Laurel: Why don't we get one of those trailers to hook on the back of your car. That's much better than sleeping in a tent. Wouldn't have to worry about flies.
Ollie Hardy: Can you take one of those things up into the mountains?
Stanley Laurel: Sure, right up in the high multitude. What do you think?
Ollie Hardy: We can't afford to buy one of those trailers.
Stanley Laurel: We don't have to buy one, we could rent one. I know a fellow who's got one for rent and I'll bet we can get it for next to nothing. I'll bet if we pay cash we can get it less than that. What do you think?
The Doctor: That's the worst case of gout I ever saw.
Ollie Hardy: What causes it?
The Doctor: Too much high living.
Stanley Laurel: In that case we'd better move down to the basement.

Mrs. Hall: I'm so hungry I could eat a horse's neck.
Ollie Hardy: Get up, Stanley, let the lady sit down, and fix us something to eat.
[Mrs. Hall sits down just as Stan picks up a hatchet and starts for the door]
Ollie Hardy: Where are you going?
Stanley Laurel: I'm going to look for a horse.
Ollie Hardy: [takes the hatchet from him] Sit down!


The All New Adventures of Laurel & Hardy in 'For Love or Mummy' (1999)
Hardy: We've got to split up.
Laurel: Don't you want to try counseling.
Hardy: It's far too expensive. Not that kind of split up!

Hardy: Dream boat... that's what she'll say when she sees me...
Laurel: When I see you, I think tug boat

Hardy: Well Stanley, when you're the biggest dog on the porch, no one will care how loud you bark!
Laurel: Your bark is worse than your over-bite...

Laurel: Say, when you were in Egypt, did you happen to see the Eifel Tower?
Hardy: Stanley, The Eiffel Tower is not in Egypt... it's in Indiana!


Christmas Carol (1978) (TV)
W.C. Fields as Scrooge: He once told me to treat the warehouse like it was my own.
Humphrey Bogart: What did you do?
W.C. Fields as Scrooge: I sold it.

Paul Lynde as Bob Cratchit: Do you know he's so cheap he even has a burglar alarm on his garbage cans?

Oliver Hardy: We were wondering if you would like to make a small donation for the poor.
W.C. Fields as Scrooge: Ah, no.
Stan Laurel: In that case, how would you like to make a large donation?
W.C. Fields as Scrooge: Not interested. When I give to charity I wish to remain anonymous. That's why I don't give anything.
Oliver Hardy: But sir! What are we going to tell the poor, the needy and the destitute?
W.C. Fields as Scrooge: Ah, tell them to use Hamburger Helper.
Stan Laurel: Well that a wonderful idea Ollie. I bet they never thought of that!

Peter Sellers as Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: [after tripping over a bottle on the floor] The man who invented the bottle should be shot! I think he was shot when he invented the bottle!


Our Wife (1931)
Ollie: Goodbye, Ducky Lover.
Dulcy: Goodbye, Dimple Dumpling.
Ollie: Goodbye.
Stan: [on the phone in the other room, having listened in] GOODBYE!

Mrs. Gladding: What do you want?
Stan: What do we want?
Ollie: We wanna get married.
Stan: Oh yeah, we wanna get married.
Ollie: Not we, us!
Stan: Not we. Us.
Mrs. Gladding: Well, how about it?
Stan: How about it?
Ollie: How about what?
Stan: How about what?
Mrs. Gladding: What are you talking about?
Stan: What are you talking about?
Ollie: Tell her we want to get married!
Stan: We want to get married.
Mrs. Gladding: Hey! There's a couple out here that wants to get married, Pa!
William Gladding, Justice of the Peace: Okay, I'll be right up!
Mrs. Gladding: He'll be right up.
Stan: Who?
Mrs. Gladding: The...
[punches Stan]
Mrs. Gladding: Who!
Ollie: Well how about it?
Stan: How about what?
Ollie: What did she say?
Stan: Who?

Ollie: Don't you understand? We're going to elope. Nobody must know about it. It's strictly on the qui vive.
Stan: [confused] Qui vive?
Ollie: Certainly. Null... and void. Do you understand?


Nothing But Trouble (1944)
Oliver: Well, there's nothing to it. All you have to do is look the lion straight in the eyes. Lions are afraid of that. I read that in a book.
Stan: But did the lion read the book?

Oliver: Come Stanley, let no one say that we were afraid to die.
Stan: I don't care who says it.

Oliver: We just like to see kids have fun.


The Midnight Patrol (1933)
Car Dispatcher: Calling Car Thirteen
Oliver: That's Us
Car Dispatcher: Calling Car One-Three
Stanley: I thought he said Thirteen.

Oliver: Now when I say "three", we'll go THAT way
[indicating the front door of the house]
Oliver: - - not THIS way
[indicating the water in the fishpond in which they are currently standing knee-deep]
Oliver: !

Stanley: [sitting in the driver's seat while Hardy examines the squad car's engine to see why it won't fire] Maybe we're outta gas.
Oliver: [glancing up from under the hood with his famous restrained-fury haughtily-arrogant gaze in reaction to Laurel's apparent incompetence] Mind - - your own - - BIZness!
Stanley: [reaches down to the dashboard and pulls out a large knob - - probably the choke or throttle - - causing a huge jet of clear liquid to shoot out of the intake-valve and straight into Hardy's face as he's peering down and tinkering with it] What happened?
Oliver: [disgustedly scowling back at Laurel with a drenched dripping face] We're NOT out of GAS!


Busy Bodies (1933)
Ollie: [after he and Stan have landed after toppling over on the ladder and demolishing the utility shed, with Stan clutching Ollie's ears in terror] Will you let go of my EA-YUHS?

Ollie: Would you mind opening the window?
[watching in disgust as Stan goes and opens the shop window behind him]
Ollie: Not THAT window - THIS window!
[seeing Stan pull out a large sheet of heavy paper and study it carefully]
Ollie: What are you doing?
Stan: Well, I was looking at the blueprint to try to figure out how to open the window.
Ollie: Why, that's a blueprint of the BOULDER DAM!

Shop Worker: [Oliver pulls his car up behind Charlie as he's picking up boards. Oliver blows his car horn, scaring Charlie into flinging the boards high into the air and dropping them. Oliver is very amused] Watta yuh think you're tryin' to do?
Ollie: Can't you take a little joke?
Ollie: [laughs and flutters his necktie derisively at Charlie]


Beau Hunks (1931)
Ollie: Didn't I just tell you I was going to be married?
Stan: Who to?
Ollie: Why, a woman of course. Did you ever hear of anybody marrying a man?
Stan: Sure.
Ollie: Who?
Stan: My sister.

[There's a knock at the door. Stan picks up the phone]
Ollie: What are you doing?
Stan: There's somebody knocking on the phone.
Ollie: See? That's levity.
Stan: Hello, Mr. Levity?
Ollie: Answer the door! "Mr. Levity". Mmph!

Ollie: Come, Stanley.
Stan: Where we going?
Ollie: We're going where we can forget!
Stan: What do you mean WE'VE got to forget?
Ollie: None of your business, let's go!


Laughing Gravy (1930)
Stan: [Referring to Laughing Gravy] Watcha gonna do with him?
Landlord: You know my rules about dogs. I'm going to throw him out!
Ollie: On a night like this?

Ollie: Where are you going?
Stan: [emphatically] I'm gonna get my dog!


Any Old Port! (1932)
Ollie: [after girl runs upstairs crying] What seems to be the trouble?
Mugsie Long, proprietor of Ye Mariner's Rest: Ha ha ha ha. She's crying with happiness. She's gonna be married.
Ollie: Who's the lucky fellow?
Mugsie Long, proprietor of Ye Mariner's Rest: I am.
Stan: [after a great big double take] Can you beat that?
Ollie: What?
Stan: What a terrible cats-after-me.

Stan: I'll go for the same meal as he is.
Lunch Wagon Owner: Okay.
Ollie: [to Stan] You cannot have a meal!
Stan: What do you mean I can't have a meal?
Ollie: Because, You gotta fight tonight.
[to the Lunch Wagon Owner]
Ollie: One order, Please!
Stan: [Whines as he got comfused] I thought you were fighting.
Ollie: NO! I am the manager, And you are the fighter!
[He leaves poor Stan sobbing and starving]


Angora Love (1929)
Ollie: You would spend our last dime for pastry with a hole in it!

Stan: He likes me.
Ollie: Let him alone! Goats are bad luck!
Boy: The police are lookin' for that goat! I'm gonna tell!
Ollie: What did I tell you? We'll get ten years for kidnapping!


Chickens Come Home- (1931)
Oliver: Well...
Stanley: Here's another nice mess I got you into.

Oliver: Oh, Gabriel, blow your horn.


Their Purple Moment (1928)
Ollie: - She found my hideout! - She's a bloodhound!...
Mr. Pincher: - My wife'll never find mine! - I'm a weasel!...


Utopia (1951)
Ollie: [to Stan, after all the diplomatic posts have been assigned] Why Stan... you're *the people*.


Their First Mistake (1932)
Ollie: What did you strike that match for?
Stan: I wanted to see if the light switch was off.


Double Whoopee (1929)
Ollie: [to the Swanky Blonde - i.e., Jean Harlow - as she arrives at the hotel] Might I presume that you would condescend to accept my escortage?


Great Guns (1941)
Hippo: What did I ever do to deserve a couple of yaps like you?
Stan: Maybe you were good to your mother.
Hippo: Pipe down!
Stan: Yes, sir.
Hippo: Now at 10:00 you're all going over for an IQ test, and according to the answers you give, you'll be classified in a job.
Stan: Swell! We're good at quizes, aren't we, Ollie?
Oliver: Maybe they'll put me in the intelligence "corpse".


Habeas Corpus (1928)
Stan: Don't you think the Professor is a trifle cuckoo?
Ollie: He is as sound mentally as you or I.


Unaccustomed As We Are (1929)
Mrs. Kennedy: Oh, good evening, Mr Hardy.
Ollver Hardy: Good evening, Mrs Kennedy. This my friend, Mrs Kennedy.
Mrs. Kennedy: Good evening.
Ollver Hardy: I brought him home for dinner, Mrs Kennedy.
Mrs. Kennedy: Oh, how lovely of you, Mr Hardy.
Ollver Hardy: How is Mr Kennedy, Mrs Kennedy?
Mrs. Kennedy: Oh, he's very well, thank you, Mr Hardy.
Ollver Hardy: Is Mr Kennedy home, Mrs Kennedy?
Mrs. Kennedy: No he isn't, Mr Hardy. I must be going. Good night, Mr Hardy.
Ollver Hardy: Good night, Mrs Kennedy.
[to Stan]
Ollver Hardy: That was Mrs Kennedy
[Stan seems taken aback]
Ollver Hardy: Well, what's the matter?
Stan: I was wondering who it was.


Big Business (1929)
Ollie: Wouldn't you like to buy a Christmas tree?
First Customer: No thank you.
Ollie: Wouldn't your husband like to buy one?
First Customer: I have no husband.
Stan: If you had a husband would he buy one?
[Woman slams the door in Stan & Ollie's face]
Ollie: From now on I'll do the talking!


Hollywood Party (1934)
Doorman: [Ollie rings the doorbell] What do you want?
Ollie: We'd like to see the Baron - Baron Munchausen.
Doorman: What's your business?
Ollie: Well, you see, sir, it was like this: he bought some lions from us and uh, paid us with a check.
Stan: Yes, sir, we've been all over town trying to cash it.
[Ollie searches his pockets, while Stan takes the check from his own coat]
Doorman: [Ollie takes the check from Stan and hands the check to the doorman] 50,000 tiddly-winks?
Stan: Yes sir, the Baron told us that a tiddly-wink was worth a dollar-and-a-half in his country.
Ollie: That is, you understand, at the present rate of exchange.
[Ollie twiddles his tie and chuckles]
Doorman: You guys are screwy!
[the doorman re-enters the mansion, closing the door]
Doorman: [Ollie folds the check and puts it in his pocket, ringing the doorbell again] Now listen, if you guys ring that bell again, I'll break your arm off and stuff it down your throat!
Ollie: Heh heh heh heh, hmph.
Doorman: [Ollie rings the doorbell once more; the doorman rips a chime off the wall and goes to the door] Who rang the bell?
Ollie: I did.
[Doorman hits Ollie on the head with a chime]
Ollie: Oooh! Ooh, mmph, mmph.
[Stan touches Ollie's head to stop the ringing]
Ollie: Oooh! Ugh.
Stan: Are you going to stand for that?
Ollie: I should say not. He can't bluff me; I'm going to see the Baron if I have to stay here all night. We'll give him his check and take back our lions.
Stan: That's a good idea. We can get along without his old piddly-winks.
Ollie: Why, certainly.
Stan: We don't want his...
Ollie: Not piddly-winks, tiddly-winks.
[Ollie glances toward the camera, does a double take]
Ollie: "Piddly-winks"! Ummph!