Weekend Update Anchor
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Quotes for
Weekend Update Anchor (Character)
from "Saturday Night Live" (1975)

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"Saturday Night Live: Tina Fey/Ellie Goulding (#36.20)" (2011)
Weekend Update Anchor: Well, somewhere, high above us, there are 72 super bummed-out virgins.

Weekend Update Anchor: The White House on Tuesday revealed that Osama Bin Laden was not armed when Navy SEALS found him, but they say he did resist them. Hey White House - armed, unarmed, not resisting, holding a bunny - We're totally cool with you shooting Bin Laden.

Weekend Update Anchor: Al Qaeda on Friday released a statement confirming the death of Osama Bin Laden. They also announced that, as a result, Monday will be a half-day.

Weekend Update Anchor: In the wake of President Obama's decision to not release pictures of Osama Bin Laden's body, a number of new conspiracy theories are surfacing, claiming that Bin Laden is not really dead. Which means Barack Obama will go down in history as the first black person ever to have to prove that he killed someone.

Weekend Update Anchor: In the wake of the killing of Osama Bin Laden, President Obama's approval rating jumped to 56 percent, his highest in two years. Which shows that there is literally nothing he can do to please the other 44 percent.

Weekend Update Anchor: It was announced Monday that the Black Eyed Peas will hold a free concert in Central Park this summer. A free Black Eyed Peas concert? That's just too true to be good.

Weekend Update Anchor: A 100-year-old man in California this week married his 93-year-old girlfriend. I dunno dude, one woman for the rest of your life?

Weekend Update Anchor: In order to reduce the risk of Listeria bacteria, the Center for Disease Control has been warning people over the age of 50 to heat cold cuts. Or as they will now be known, 'cuts.'

Weekend Update Anchor: This week, children at more than 1,700 schools in North America sang the song, 'I Wanna Play,' at the same time. Simultaneously, in China, over a billion kids were doing math.


"Saturday Night Live: Christopher Walken/Arrested Development (#18.4)" (1992)
Weekend Update Anchor: [about Madonna's 1992 coffee table book "Sex"] Thousends of people were arrested by book store police this week, as they tried to buy Sex for fifty dollars. Consumers are advised to wait a year, then they can go to the library and get Sex for free.

Weekend Update Anchor: Earlier this week: Monday.


"Saturday Night Live: Gary Busey/Eubie Blake and Gregory Hines (#4.14)" (1979)
Weekend Update Anchor: Oh, Jane, by the way, you left these earrings in my apartment.
[hands her the earrings]
Weekend Update Anchor: Oh.
Weekend Update Anchor: Under the pillow. Laraine found them.

Weekend Update Anchor: In accordance with his wishes, Mr. Ed's tombstone will bear the simple legend: "Mr. Dead."


"Saturday Night Live: Weekend Update Thursday: Episode #2.2" (2009)
Weekend Update Anchor: It was reported that a spectacular light show that many stargazers enjoyed last week was created when the spaceshuttle Discovery emptied their urine tanks. Haha! Serves you right for looking into space, nerds!

Weekend Update Anchor: A man in New Mexico this week won the 2009 world burrito eating championship by eating thirtythree and a half burritos in ten minutes. When reached for comment, the man said: somebody's in here!


"Saturday Night Live: Bill Murray/Sting (#18.14)" (1993)
Weekend Update Anchor: Reading scores in New York schools dropped by a whopping 80% this year, but math scores dropped by 90%, so whoever added up the reading scores may have screwed up the figures.

Weekend Update Anchor: Also in Los Angeles, six of the first twelve prospective jurors in the federal Rodney King beatings trials were dismissed for being biased this week. Biased. So what if a person has two asses? What's that got to do with anything?


"Saturday Night Live: Chevy Chase/Lisa Loeb and Nine Stories (#21.2)" (1995)
[Norm opens Weekend Update after O.J. Simpson's trial has ended]
Weekend Update Anchor: Well, it is finally official: Murder is legal in the state of California.

Weekend Update Anchor: The long running TV series 'The Love Boat' is being made into a big screen feature by New Line Cinema. The producers have announced that the entire original cast of Gavin Macleod, Bernie Kopell, Fred Grandy, Ted Lange, Lauren Tewes and Jill Whelan will have to pay $7,50 to see the movie, just like everybody else.


"Saturday Night Live: Eric Idle/Kate Bush (#4.8)" (1978)
Chico Escuela: Baseball been berry berry good to me. Thank you berry much. Thank you, Hane? Thank you, Hane.
[he is drowned out by the audience applauding]
Weekend Update Anchor: Great job, Chico, I'm glad that we haven't hired just another stupid ex-jock sportcaster.

Weekend Update Anchor: Earlier this October, Congress extended the period for ratification of the Equal Rights Amendment. Yet, since then not one additional state legislature has ratified this most basic affirmation of human rights. It is time we women took action. As a spokesperson for Weekend Update, I am therefore calling on the women of America to place a moratorium on the act of performing oral sex on any male until the ERA is the law.


"Saturday Night Live: Weekend Update Thursday: Episode #2.1" (2009)
Weekend Update Anchor: In an interview with Oprah Winfrey, Whitney Houston called her ex husband Bobby Brown 'her drug'. Also Whitney Houston's drug: drugs.

Weekend Update Anchor: The creators of the Body World exhibitions are planning a new dedicated solely to dead bodies having sex. It's called 'Marriage'.
[audience laughs, then groans, making Seth chuckle]


"Saturday Night Live: Justin Timberlake/Ciara (#34.21)" (2009)
[Discussion about the new "Star Trek" movie]
Zachary Quinto: I mean, do you think they're going to like the film?
Leonard Nimoy: Well, to not like it...
Weekend Update Anchor: Oh, I know what you're going to say. "To not like it would be illogical."
Leonard Nimoy: No, I was going to say, "To not like it would make them dickheads."


"Saturday Night Live: Dennis Quaid/The Neville Brothers (#16.9)" (1990)
Weekend Update Anchor: Thank you, good evening, and what can I tell you? Last week, Saddam Hussein released all the hostages. President Bush said he still planned to use military force if need be against Iraq, unless they left Kuwait. This week Hussein said 'Okay, okay, I'll be out of Kuwait in a week.' Bush said: 'Too late, we're gonna attack you anyway, you have embarrassed me in front of my woman.' Upon being reached for a comment, Barbara Bush said: 'George still turns me on when he talks nasty like that.'


"Saturday Night Live: Tina Fey/Justin Bieber (#35.18)" (2010)
Tina Fey - Host: Things are hard enough for women as it is. For example, on my way here today I had to stop and get my leg and pubic hair ripped out so that I could wear a hooker costume later in a sketch that won't even air. Did you have to do that today Seth?
Weekend Update Anchor: I didn't have to. But I did.


"Saturday Night Live: Bill Murray/Lucinda Williams (#24.14)" (1999)
Weekend Update Anchor: Bill Clinton is among the 118 people nominated for the Nobel peace prize. The nominators say Clinton has helped contribute to world peace. Upon hearing this, Saddam Hussein responded from under a pile of rubble: Hello, don't you people have CNN?


"Saturday Night Live: Buck Henry/Bette Midler (#4.20)" (1979)
Weekend Update Anchor: Hayakawa reportedly commented later: I need my sleep. Poor people don't need sleep because they're not working and they don't get tired.


"Saturday Night Live: Buck Henry/The Grateful Dead (#4.5)" (1978)
Weekend Update Anchor: And the Ford Foundation announced that it has awarded a $1.5 million grant to perfect a contraceptive that would be implanted in a woman's hand. Although years away from perfection, it is reported to be twice as effective as the diaphragm. A Ford spokesman said that eventually this technique will support the old adage that One in the Hand is Worth Two in the Bush.


"Saturday Night Live: Paul Rudd/Beyoncé (#34.8)" (2008)
Weekend Update Anchor: Police in Germany say that a man with no arms stole a 24 inch television set from a store. The man said he would have paid for it, but he couldn't reach his wallet.
Weekend Update Anchor: [audience laughs politely] No? How about this: Police in Germany say that a man with no arms stole a 24 inch television set from a store. Man, how lazy are employees when they don't stop a guy from kicking a TV out the front door?
Weekend Update Anchor: [bigger laugh] One more? Police in Germany say that a man with no arms stole a 24 inch television set from a store, ah, the old no finger discount.
Weekend Update Anchor: [turns to other camera] Last week, the state of Callifornia passed...
Weekend Update Anchor: [turns back to previous set up] Police in Germany say that a man with no arms stole a 24 inch television set from a store, police said that it was an easy arrest as the suspect was unarmed.
[big applause and laughter]


"Saturday Night Live: Kate Jackson/Delbert McClinton (#4.13)" (1979)
Weekend Update Anchor: Good evening, I'm Jane Curtin. Our top story tonight: for the second year in a row, PLO leader Yasser Arafat has been awarded first prize in the annual international Ringo Starr look alike contest. He turned down the prize, which was a weekend in Tel Aviv.


"Saturday Night Live: Chevy Chase/Live (#22.13)" (1997)
Weekend Update Anchor: On Wednesday, Michael Jackson and wife Debbie Rowe became the proud parents of a 7 pound, 10 ounce baby boy. Asked about the baby's appearance, a family spokesman said: "he's got Debbie's eyes, La Toya's mouth and one of Michael's noses".
[audience laughs]
Weekend Update Anchor: And according to his dad, the three day old boy is a regular chip of the old block. In fact, he's already molested a one day old boy.


"Saturday Night Live: Karen Black/Cheap Trick/Stanley Clarke Trio (#6.7)" (1981)
Weekend Update Anchor: Well, during the Senate confirmation hearings, Alexander "General" Haig -General Alexander Haig said that the MX missile is the key to our country's defense. Here, we see Mr. Haig swallowing that key. Later, when asked about the neutron bomb, he replied: "You know, I don't believe in using a weapon designed to destroy only human life. After all, part of the fun is watching the buildings blow up!"


"Saturday Night Live: Miskel Spillman/Elvis Costello (#3.8)" (1977)
Weekend Update Anchor: I'm Dan Aykroyd and I eat, sleep and snort news, if you catch my drift.
Weekend Update Anchor: And I'm Jane Curtin, and I catch your drift, Dan.


"Saturday Night Live: Christine Baranski/The Cure (#21.19)" (1996)
Weekend Update Anchor: And in other showbusiness news, Macaulay Culkin called police after his father, Kit Culkin, slapped him for not cleaning his room. Officers raced to the scene, and immediately joined in slapping Macaulay Culkin.


"Saturday Night Live: The Rolling Stones (#4.1)" (1978)
Weekend Update Anchor: A Morning After birth control pill, developed at the University of Florida, has proven to be 99% effective. Hey! Great news! Only one pregnancy occurred among 359 women who started the medication within 72 hours after unprotected sexual intercourse.
[holds up the device]
Weekend Update Anchor: Now, it's called a Post-Obligatory Interceptive, and I have a sample right here, enough for three inceptions. They're not gonna do me any good. Here, Jane, a whole year's supply for ya'!


"Saturday Night Live: Weekend Update Thursday: Episode #1.2" (2008)
Weekend Update Anchor: Barack Obama has begun running campaign ads within video games, such as "Madden NFL '09" and "Burnout". Not to be outdone, John McCain has begun putting ads inside MRI machines.


"Saturday Night Live: Daniel J. Travanti/John Cougar (#7.16)" (1982)
SNL Newsbreak Anchor: This is the New York Daily News, which has a daily circulation of 1.5 million, but is in financial trouble. Now this is the New York Post, owned by Rupert Murdoch, who has been asked to buy the Daily News. Now Murdoch also owns the sleazy National Star. Now if the deal goes through, Moor- Murdoch says the new paper replacing the Daily News will be a combination of the Star and the Post and it'll be called, of course: the New York Compost.


"Saturday Night Live: Taylor Lautner/Bon Jovi (#35.9)" (2009)
Weekend Update Anchor: During the Kennedy Center Honors on Sunday, President Obama presented an award to Bruce Springsteen saying 'I'm the President, but he's the Boss'. At which point Springsteen ordered our troops out of Afghanistan.


"Saturday Night Live: Weekend Update Thursday: Episode #1.1" (2008)
Weekend Update Anchor: According to a new report, at least one in four land species on Earth face extinction in the near future. Oh, man, I hope that list includes armadillos 'cause, yo! I be hatin' armadillos!
Weekend Update Anchor: You've always been hatin' armadillos.
Weekend Update Anchor: Always!


"Saturday Night Live: Chevy Chase/Marianne Faithfull (#5.10)" (1980)
Weekend Update Anchor: If you ask me, the best defense our country could have... would be an army of poorly-equipped, untrained, unarmed women. That way, either we would win the war or we'd make the Russians look like incredible jerks. And isn't that what it's all about, anyway? That's my opinion. I'm Bill Murray, and my girlfriend's going.


"Saturday Night Live: Steve Guttenberg/The Pretenders (#12.7)" (1986)
Weekend Update Anchor: I read the news today, oh boy. And guess what? That's it and I am outta here.


"Saturday Night Live: Tom Hanks/Sade (#11.5)" (1985)
Weekend Update Anchor: Today is the 482th birthday of Nostradamus, the French astrologer and prognosticator, who actually predicted that I would have no payoff for this joke.


"Saturday Night Live: Jill Clayburgh/Eddie Money (#3.14)" (1978)
Weekend Update Anchor: In Los Angeles today, actor Ricardo Montalban was kidnapped by a gang of angry midgets. Montalban was released unharmed a short time later, when the midgets admitted they thought they'd kidnapped composer/singer Randy Newman, who bears an amazing resemblance to Montalban from the knees down.


"Saturday Night Live: Gerard Butler/Shakira (#35.4)" (2009)
Weekend Update Anchor: Starting Monday, Seven Eleven will begin testing a new plastic wrap designed to keep bananas yellow and firm for five days. Though if your banana remains firm for more than five days, call a doctor immediately.


"Saturday Night Live: Woody Harrelson/Vanessa Williams (#17.20)" (1992)
Weekend Update Anchor: If you'd like a written transcript of this newsbroadcast, learn to write really fast. I'm Kevin Nealon, and that's news to me.


"Saturday Night Live: Anjelica Huston and Billy Martin/George Clinton & Parliament-Funkadelic (#11.18)" (1986)
Weekend Update Anchor: Well, it's the end of the season, I'd like to end up with a joke. Knock knock?
Audience: Who's there?
Weekend Update Anchor: Not me folks, I am outta here. Good night, ladies and gentlemen.


"Saturday Night Live: Malcolm McDowell/Captain Beefheart & The Magic Band (#6.2)" (1980)
Weekend Update Anchor: This week, our Supreme Court judges began calling themselves "Justice", instead of the more formal "Mr. Justice." Regarding the new informality, Justice Wizzer White said he thought the change was "kind of jazzy." And Justice "Potty" Stewart commented, "That may be slick for the Whizzer, but, for me, it's Nowheresville." And Warren "The Big Cheese" Burger, added, "Boop boop de boop!"


"Saturday Night Live: Will Ferrell/Green Day (#34.22)" (2009)
Harry Caray: Hey, don't jerk me around, Seth. It's a simple yes or no question: If the Predator monster promised he wouldn't kill the other players, would you put him in the game?
Weekend Update Anchor: No?
Harry Caray: Good call, Seth. I mean, I think eventually his hunter instincts would be too hard to resist.


"Saturday Night Live: Rob Lowe/The Pogues (#15.15)" (1990)
Weekend Update Anchor: You know, I love the Pogues, but I'm a sucker for lyrics. Hey, what can I tell you?


"Saturday Night Live: Sigourney Weaver/The Ting Tings (#35.12)" (2010)
Weekend Update Anchor: Look, obviously I'm invested in this because it affects me. If Jay can take his job back from Conan that means Conan can take it back from Jimmy and that means Jimmy might come here and I cannot go back to being in a sketch once every three weeks.


"Saturday Night Live: Griffin Dunne/Rosanne Cash (#11.12)" (1986)
Weekend Update Anchor: Today is the Ides of March, the two thousand and thirtieth anniversary of the assassination of Julius Caesar. Now here's a guy who was a statesman, a military genius, an author and the leader of the Roman Empire and how is he remembered today? A Vegas hotel and a salad you can only order for two people.
[audience laughs]
Weekend Update Anchor: Sorry Julie, it's the best we could do, babe.


"Saturday Night Live: Maureen Stapleton/Linda Ronstadt/Phoebe Snow (#4.19)" (1979)
Weekend Update Anchor: Dan, you self-important swine ass.