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: [Carol is trying to convince Maude to have an abortion
] Mother, I don't understand your hesitancy. When they made it a law you were for it. Maude Findlay
: Of course! I wasn't pregnant then!
[Maude enters the house and slams the front door
] Vivian Cavender
] Hi Maude!
[Maude shoots Vivian a fierce glare
] Carol Traynor
: Mother, it's past 8 O'Clock. Maude Findlay
: Carol, I'm proud of you. Only 27 years old and already you tell time.
: Look, there's only one sensible way out of this. You don't have to have the baby. Maude Findlay
: Oh? What'll I do... trade it in for a volleyball on Let's Make a Deal?
: Maude. One thing I don't understand about all this. Weren't you using the pill? Maude Findlay
: No. It gives me migraines. Carol Traynor
: What did you do, mother... cross your fingers?
: [to Arthur
] Look, the way things are going, if even older people like my mother and Walter start behaving like rabbits, well we're all gonna end up living like sardines! Maude Findlay
: Beautifully put, Carol. I mean it's not every mother that gets to be called a rabbit.
: [to Maude
] You're just scared. Maude Findlay
: I am NOT scared! Carol Traynor
: [Referring to the abortion process
] You are, and it's as simple as going to the dentist. Maude Findlay
: NOW I'm scared!
: [Discussing abortion
] Mother, listen to me. It's a simple operation now, but when you were growing up it was illegal and it was dangerous and it was sinister, and you've never gotten over that. Now you tell me that's not true. Maude Findlay
: It's not true. And you're right. I've never gotten over it.
: [Maude is scribbling on a piece of paper
] Mother, what are you doing? Maude Findlay
: I'm just figuring how many yards of tubing it'll take from the exhaust pipe to the rear window on a '69 Corvair.
: I keep forgetting. Is black coffee good or bad for a woman in my condition? Carol Traynor
: Well, it keeps you awake. Maude Findlay
: Bad. That's what GOT me in this condition.
: Mother, you don't have to have the baby. I told you before there's no reason to feel guilty and there's certainly no reason to be afraid.
[Maude doesn't reply
] Carol Traynor
] You're like talking to a stone wall! Maude Findlay
: A PREGNANT stone wall!
: [to Carol, about Walter
] Last night, in his sleep, he said Maude, I want to have this baby. Carol Traynor
: [With a sigh of relief
] Well why didn't you tell me that before? Maude Findlay
: Because it's not true. Look, Carol, I just want to get you OFF MY BACK!
: Maude's as nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rockers. Carol Traynor
: That doesn't sound like you, Walter. Walter Findlay
: I heard that on Hee Haw.
: She's as nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rockers. What? I just thought it was my turn. Dr. Arthur Harmon
: That's a good joke. I heard it on Sonny and Cher.
: How can I have a party for a black guest of honor and not have one single black guest? Carol Traynor
: Maybe you should've invited two black couples, Maude. Walter Findlay
: That's right, Maude, you should always have a back-up black. Maude Findlay
] Please, if you really do exist, get him soon.
: Oh mother, listen to this. The day you were born, Vitaphone Studios signed Al Jolson for the first talking picture. Maude Findlay
: Oh my God, I was saying 'Mammy' three years before Al Jolson. I am old, I'm old, I am old. Olde. O-L-D-E. That's how old.
: [Defending her mother
] Oh, I am ashamed of you. How dare you suspect the motives of a decent woman like my mother just because your minds are in the gutter. And to make matters worse, she would never think evil of any of you. And do you know why? "She has too much honor to ever conceive of dishonor in someone she loves." Vivian Cavender Harmon
: Robert Browning? Carol Traynor
: Rhett Butler. Vivian Cavender Harmon
: Oh, I love him.
: [offering a tray of hors d'oeuvres to Aunt Polly
] Polly? Want a cracker?
: [Mrs. Naugatuck is cleaning the house while singing
] Listen to her. She's the perfect housekeeper. Sings like a bird and works like a horse. Walter Findlay
: Which is quite an improvement over your mother who works like a bird and sings like a horse. Maude Findlay
: [Screaming from upstairs
] GOD'LL GET YOU FOR THAT WALTER! Walter Findlay
: And has ears like a rabbit.
Dr. Arthur Harmon
: [to Maude
] What's this great romance you have going on with Marijuana? Maude Findlay
: Look Arthur, I smoke as much grass as you do... none. Carol Tranior
: Arthur, you've got some nerve, condemning Harold Collins when you're standing here dispensing drugs as if they're going out of style, and on top of it, you're hung over from drinking.