Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz
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Quotes for
Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz (Character)
from "Phineas and Ferb" (2007)

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"Phineas and Ferb: This Is Your Backstory (#3.61)" (2012)
Norm: Tonight we explore the life of a true evil genius and find out just what makes him tick.
Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: But how?
Norm: I'm glad you asked. With the help of our exciting but potentially lethal memory extraction technology, all of your most...
Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: [as a head cap places itself on Doofenshmitz' head] Ooo.
Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: ...deeply suppressed memories will appear right on this screen! It's like a TV clip show fueled by your own brain.

Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: And soon I learned my parents were expecting a brand new baby girl. My mother spent months knitting pretty dresses. Unfortunately, the baby turned out to be a boy and, because we were out of material, I was forced to wear those same dresses for an entire year, drawing mockery and scorn from all of my manly classmates.

[Heinz gives his mother a toy to show his affection for her, which she immediately gives to her other son]
Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: I was crushed as I watched Roger produce a big, red marker and write his name on the toy and then, afterwards, proceed to do the same to my mother, claiming both as his own and effectively shutting me out of the family dynamic.

Norm: You know, Heinz, there's more than one way to a mother's heart.
Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: Kickball.

Roger Doofenshmirtz: Well, I've got a city to govern.
Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: Don't let your ego hit you on the way out!

Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: Long backstory short: I got a balloon at the carnival, I drew a face on him, I sprayed him with special life-long-lasting spray I created, and I named him Balloony. He became my best friend in the whole world, yada-yada-yada, then one tragic day when I was protecting our garden as a lawn gnome, Balloony started floating away.

Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: [Shanghaied via a phony "schtor"-front] You know, I've always had trouble distinguishing between a schtor and a... a painting of a schtor, but it started me off on the greatest adventure of my life! I decided to seize the day with both hands... and a mop.

Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: I was heading to a golden land of opportunity, a land with a pioneering spirit which welcomed misfits like me - but I ended up in America instead.

Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: [sneaking his first date into a drive-in] Okay, the coast is clear. You can come out now.
Lindana: [emerging from the car trunk] Ew, it's grody back here.
Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: Well, on the bright side, YOU got in for free, so... we'll just split the cost of my ticket, right? Right?
Lindana: You know, I coulda gotten in the trunk, like, a block away instead of when you first picked me up at my house.
Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: Wow, you just love to live in the past, huh? Is that, like, a thing with you?

Norm: And do you recall THIS voice?
Charlene Doofenshmirtz: Hello, Heinz. I have your alimony check.
Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: Heh-heh, Charlene.
Norm: That's right. It's your former wife, Charlene Doofenshmitz.
Charlene Doofenshmirtz: Delivered in person like you asked. Ah, what is this, a game show set? Is THIS what you spend the money on?
Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: Well... you know, also groceries.
Charlene Doofenshmirtz: Well, at least it's not in my garage.

Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: Oh, baby, what an emotional workout!


Phineas and Ferb the Movie: Across the 2nd Dimension (2011) (TV)
[Dr. Doofenshmirtz, Candice, Phineas, Ferb and Perry are linked together by a chain hovering over a lava pit. Candace catches a key]
Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: Oh, great, you caught it! Unlock me.
Candace Flynn: Are you even paying attention?
Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: [realizing he would fall into the lava pit if he was unlocked] Uh, that's right, i... it can wait. Later.

Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time I was doomed by a puppet, I'd have two nickels - which isn't a lot, but it's weird that it happened twice.

Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: You know, I can't help but notice that your scar goes over your eye patch.
Doofenshmirtz-2: Yeah...?
Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: Nothing...

Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: Is every platypus named Perry?
Phineas Flynn: In a perfect world - yes.

Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: Holy boy! Even the great Francis Monogram's my slave in this dimension!
Monogram-2: I prefer the term Indentured Executive Assistant.

Phineas Flynn: So not only have you been leading a double life this whole time, but you sat there and let us help an evil scientist open an evil portal into an evil dimension - and you did nothing to stop us?
Ferb Fletcher: Well, he did pee on the couch.
Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: Wait a second! I just realized. That was a conscious choice. You peed on my couch!

Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: Behold! The Other-Dimensionator! Actually, this is the OTHER Other-Dimensionator. The other Other-Dimensionator's back in the other dimension.

Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: Okay, step one is - push this button. Step two, stand back in awe!
[pushes button, machine producers one spark then quits]
Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: Awww...

Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: I never built an Amnesianator! I think I'd remember building something like THAT.


"Phineas and Ferb: When Worlds Collide (#3.58)" (2012)
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Yeah, sorry. No time for a trap. It's nothing personal. You see, today is the Annual Love Muffin Summer Stock Festival and I got the title role, so I have to take over the Tr-State Area by 3:30 if I want to make curtain. Uh, that doesn't... leave me much time for, you know, the trapping and the fighting; so, instead, I built this - the Trip-to-the-Desert-inator! It's going to send you to the desert, and I can get on with my day.

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Oh, sure, blame the victim, like you didn't know about my switch-flipping compulsion.

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Why do we always see cow skulls in the desert? And why do you only see the skull? Did the body die somewhere else? It makes no sense. Oh, I'm sorry. Am I talking too much for you? Fine, I'll be quiet. I can shut up. I don't have to talk all the time. It's not like I have to fill the space. If you want silence, I'll give you silence! You watch! And it's gonna be deafening! Mark my words!

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Hey, look how big the sun is through this magnifying glass. Ow! OW! Ow! No, really, it's huge. You should see it.

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: You know what, Perry the Platypus, I just had my third realization of the day. I had two earlier, but I didn't share them with you. I've realized that the thing that's kept me from succeeding all these years isn't my parents not showing up for my birth. It isn't my eight-month stint as an organ-grinder monkey. It isn't the time I got my arm stuck under that boulder - also titanium now, see? It isn't ANY of those things. You know what it is? It's YOU!

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Oh, very clever. Take my accusing finger and point it back at ME.

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: I'm ruthless. I have no ruths.

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: It's your jetpack! I found it stuck in the mouth of a fiberglass dinosaur. I mean, how often does THAT happen when you really need it?


"Phineas and Ferb: Out of Toon (#1.42)" (2008)
Norm: Does someone need a hug?
Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: Of course not, you glorified waffle iron!

Charlene Doofenshmirtz: [about miniature city] Heinz, you made a plush model?
Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: I had a lot of felt!
Charlene Doofenshmirtz: Well, at least it holds together. Remember that dining set you tried to build for our apartment?
Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: It's hard to forget when you keep reminding me!

[the dancing ray has zapped Dr. Doofenshmirtz and Perry, causing them to dance together]
Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: To add insult to injury, the platypus is leading.

Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: [singing the Doofania national anthem] In the bay of the coast of the tri-state area/Floats a country for me and me/It's new, it's bright/And it's founded on spite/And it's everything I dreamed it would be/Hail, hail Doofania!
[stops singing; to Norm]
Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: Does it feel like it stops too quick there? We'll work on it.

Norm: Watcha doin'?
Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: Watcha doin'? What does it look like to you? I'm building an evil empire. My own very fortress of eviltude.
Norm: Aren't you a little old to be building a fort?
Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: No. No, I'm not. Shut up.

Vanessa Doofenshmirtz: [after he tells her about his fort] You do know what this means?
Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: That we'll have that special daddy-daughter bond you always craved?
Vanessa Doofenshmirtz: No. It means I'm finally gonna have proof. You are busted. I'm gonna tell mom.
Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: [unfazed] Great... Tell her what?

Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: Norm, I know what we're going to do today.


"Phineas and Ferb: Sleepwalk Surprise/Sci-Fi Pie Fly (#3.26)" (2012)
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: What-what-what does this mean? When I'm awake I build evil inators that fail and when I'm asleep I build nice inators that work? Oh, what is my subconscious trying to tell me?

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: [dreaming himself into a fantasy land] Oh, man, this had better be a dream, because I don't like where this is going.

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Now, was that a fantasy inside a flashback inside of a dream?
Inner Evil Self: Well, let me put it this way.
[Inner Evil Self slaps Doofenshmirtz awake]

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: [to Norm] You know, I'm gonna make a plug for you so I can unplug you.

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Norm, what did you do, you big garbage disposal?

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Why the chef's hat, you ask? It's the cheapest way I could trap you. Hey, times are tough waiting for my alimony check. I have to watch every penny.

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Ya see, this baby generates a powerful current of air which can hold pizza dough aloft indefinitely. Heh-HAA! So, now, I will challenge pizza boy to a pie-spinning duel at the Pizza Day Festival in Danville Park today. I'm-I'm gonna humiliate him in front of tens of people, and YOU are gonna have a front row seat.


"Phineas and Ferb: Where's Perry? (#3.55)" (2012)
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Ah, Perry the Platypus! Come in, get trapped, listen to my back story: When I was a child, I grew flabby, which made me want to make the Fitness Equipment Lock-inator. Bahm-bahm-baahm! I just run on this treadmill and out comes a sonic beam that locks every other piece of fitness equipment in the Tri-State Area... blah blah blah... everyone's fat and tired. I sprint into City Hall and take over.
[Perry easily uncouples the manacles holding him]
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: No! Perry the Platypus, don't do it! Don't push the self-destruct button. This one right here.
[Doofenschmirtz presses the button himself]
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Oopsie-daisy! Pushed it myself. Grr, boo, hiss. That's right. I'm a loser. All right, go on now. You won fair and square. Curse you, Perry the...
[Perry flies away]
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: And he's gone. I can't believe he fell for that Decoy-inator.

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Perry the Platypus is out of the picture. I'm Perry-free for the rest of the day. I'm sans Perry. I am platypus-less!

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: [laughing maniacally while looking through binoculars] My neighbor's cat is totally shredding her drapes again. Too bad I can't see the OWCA from here.

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Feels good, doesn't it? Being evil, huh?
Major Monogram: What ARE you talking about? I'm good.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Good and evil, wink-wink.
Major Monogram: Why are you winking when you know you don't have to say "wink" when you wink?

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: [trying to figure out how Carl got hit by the Ultimate-Evil-izer and not Major Monogram] But my intelligence specifically said that YOU would be sunbathing. It never mentioned an intern.
Major Monogram: That's because he's not officially an employee. He's unpaid.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: You don't pay him?
Major Monogram: He gets college credit.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Are you sure you're not evil?

Carl: [singing] I used to put up with too much aggravation, but look at me now. I got a new vocation, you heard it here first. 'Cause I'm the one who said it. Yeah, I'm evil.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: He's evil!
Carl: I'm evil for extra credit! If you're looking for trouble, well, I think you've found it. I park wherever I want, I dare you to impound it. If I'm losing a video game, I just reset it. 'Cause I'm evil.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: He's evil!
Carl: I'm evil for extra credit, yeah, that's right. I'm evil for extra credit! Tell 'em about it, girls.
Female Backup Vocals: He'll do anything for good grades.
Carl: You know I will!
Female Backup Vocals: He's an evil jack of all trades.
Carl: I do it all!
Female Backup Vocals: You want badness? Then he's got it in spades.
Carl: I got a full deck, ladies.
Female Backup Vocals: Looks so good in leather and shades.
Carl: You heard it here first, 'cause I'm the one who said it. 'Cause I'm evil.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: He's evil!
Carl: I'm evil for extra credit. I'm evil for extra credit!


"Phineas and Ferb: My Fair Goalie (#3.11)" (2011)
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Seriously, if I was a hot tub, people would be getting out of me. They'd be, like, "Wow, Heinz Doofenshmirtz is way too hot. We should get out of him."

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: For generations, philosophers have asked, "If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?" The answer - by the way, OBVIOUSLY - is of course it does! I mean, dah!, right? Philosophers!... Get a job, thinky-boy!

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Behold! The If-a-Tree-Fell-in-the-Forest-Inator! Dun-da-daaaah! One blast from this puppy will knock over a tree - or anything else for that matter - and the sound it will make will be...
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: [whispering] ... "Doofenshmirtz."
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: [regular voice] I will have eternal fame as the answer to that one philosophical question.

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Is that Eb above high C?

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Whoa, check it out, Perry the Platypus, I'm... I'm totally beating you inadvertently - and when I say "inadvertently" I completely mean "vertently."


"Phineas and Ferb: Monster from the Id/Gi-Ants (#3.17)" (2012)
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Ah, Perry the Platypus, you're early! And... and I'm in my underwear! Oh, this is so embarrassing. And it's... it's the pair of underwear you never want anyone to see you in, too. You know the ones - they're faded and frayed, and the elastic is so worn out you have to hold them up while you're walking around the house, and then you roll the wasitband, which make your pants look all lumpy; and, yet, when you take them off, you find yourself mysteriously putting them in the hamper rather than the garbage. W-why do you do that?

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: You know how you get all tired and lethargic after you eat Thanksgiving dinner? Well, it's not because you're really full and, you know, slightly out of shape, but because of all the tryptophan in the turkey. Now, imagine if the turkey were, say, the size of a car or a building. There would be no resisting the tryptophaniacal level of nature's little sleeping potion. That is why I created - THE TURKEY-INATOR!

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: I'm wasting all this wordsmithing on a platypus.

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Ah, man, that's disgusting! Still, it can't be the first time someone's got their head stuck in a turkey.

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: I feel like a giblet.


"Phineas and Ferb: Mom's in the House/Minor Monogram (#3.27)" (2012)
[Doofenshmirtz traps Perry inside stylish ladies' footwear]
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Now THAT'S what I call getting the boot!

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: All my life I've been a zero, but when I have TWO heads, I'm gonna be twice that!

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: [making six more copies of his head] Heads I win, tails you lose!
Doofenshmirtz Head #2: Really? That's the best you got?
Doofenshmirtz Head #6: It's kind of obvious.
Doofenshmirtz Head #7: Juvenile?
Doofenshmirtz Head #4: I kind of liked it.
Doofenshmirtz Head #2, Doofenshmirtz Head #3, Doofenshmirtz Head #5, Doofenshmirtz Head #6, Doofenshmirtz Head #7: You would!

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Backstory, backstory, backstory! The backstory is what drives an evil scientist. It is the "Why does he do what he does?" of the "What does he do?" My point is, at its best, evil science is like undergoing deep Freudian analysis - with a theremin constantly playing in the background.

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: See, now THAT'S a trap! I even made it based on my own daughter's fashion style - vampire pilgrim scuba diver.


"Phineas and Ferb: Put That Putter Away (#1.36)" (2008)
[Perry, in Candace's body, crashes in on Dr. Doofenshmirtz]
Dr, Heinz Doofenshmirtz: A teenage girl?
[Perry dons his signature hat]
Dr, Heinz Doofenshmirtz: *Perry* the Teenage Girl?

Dr, Heinz Doofenshmirtz: [as Perry, in Candace's body, tries to attack him] Ha! You don't have a tail anymore! Now you're no match for me! But wait a minute, I... I can't hit a girl.
[Perry attacks him again]
Dr, Heinz Doofenshmirtz: Did you have that purse when you came in?
[Perry attacks him again]
Dr, Heinz Doofenshmirtz: Well, I'm out of here.
[Doofenshmirtz runs off, leaving a smoke cloud. When the cloud disappears, Doofenshmirtz is still there]
Dr, Heinz Doofenshmirtz: What just happened?

[Dr. Doofenshmirtz is trying to write his own evil jingle but can't come up with a word to rhyme with "evil"]
Dr, Heinz Doofenshmirtz: As soon as I get this done, lunchtime will never again be fun. Oh, great, *there's* a rhyme! There's a rhyme, but sure, EVERYTHING rhymes with "fun"!

Dr, Heinz Doofenshmirtz: A teenage girl? PERRY the teenage girl! Whatever floats your boat, I don't judge.


"Phineas and Ferb: Ferb Latin/Lotsa Latkes (#3.13)" (2011)
[Doofenshmirtz summons up a Spartan army and gets... ]
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: A Mongol army? Really? Uh, I must have had the dial set for "Hun." Oh, well, you don't look a gift horde in the mouth, so... hello!

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: I bet you're wondering where my inator is, right? Come on, guess. Guess. No? No? You're not gonna play? All right, all right, all right. Fine. Don't play. It's Norm!
Norm: Let's hope there's no self-destruct button on THIS one!
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: You're always had one, Norm. I just never told you where it was so you wouldn't pick at it.
[Norm's eyes go wide before his mouth falls off]

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Anyway, I've done lots of research for the past, you know, few hours, and I... and I found out that most people will believe ANYTHING THEY READ. And I know it's true because, you know, I... I read it online somewhere.

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: It's gonna work. I'm using a very convincing font. It's bold and it has a lot of serifs!


"Phineas and Ferb: Escape from Phineas Tower/The Remains of the Platypus (#3.18)" (2011)
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: It takes a long time to clean out a chicken coop with a spoon.

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: [spotting Carl sneaking through his lab in a squirrel outfit] Oh, and I just sprayed for squirrel men.

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Well, now, it appears that Fate has dumped our mysterious guest like an immense pile of assorted cheeses onto the lawn of my evil lab I know. It's a strange metaphor but I stand by it!

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Ugh, it's so hard to get good help these days, even when you ride 'em like a bicycle.


"Phineas and Ferb: What'd I Miss? (#3.59)" (2012)
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: You see, I... I figure if I give myself big, sad eyes, people would pity me and give me whatever I want. And to that end - behold! - The Big-Sad-Eye-inator! You like it? It sucks up a lot of juice, so I'm running it at night when electricity is cheep. But the night time is the right time for a party - a PITY PARTY! Ha-haaa!

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: A blackout? Oh, Perry the Platypus, isn't this wonderful? Now people can't see anything but my pitiful eyes! Look at them, Perry the Platypus. Don't you feel sorry for me? Don't my sad, lugubrious eyes elicit compassion and mercy? Your secret agent training has taught you to squint well, my nemesis, but you can't fight the power of these pathetic, pleading eyes!

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Shoo! Shoo! Get outta here. Go... go find another symbiotic relationship.

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: I was crowned King Pretty Pretty Princess. Which, now that I think of it, is a contradiction in terms.


"Phineas and Ferb: Phineas and Ferb Interrupted/A Real Boy (#3.8)" (2011)
[Vanessa had walked in right as her father seemed to speak disparagingly about her]
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Oh, this is like one of those sit-coms where somebody says something that's misconstrued and the snoopy next door neighbor gets the wrong package delivered after his in-laws come to visit and somebody has two dates on the same night and they have to paint a white line down the middle of the room. But this isn't a sit-com, Parry the Platypus. This is real life! And... I'm... and I'm the father, and I have to treat her with the respect that she deserves in a caring and fatherly fashion. I'll blast her with one of my inators. Wait here.

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: What? You're wearing headphones? So you haven't heard a thing I've said all day?
Vanessa: Why do you think I wear the headphones?
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: So you're not mad at me for saying I'd rather have a son than a daughter like you?
Vanessa: [flatly] What?
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Oh, nothing, nothing. Just put these back on.

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Hey, wait a minute, you're not my son! You're that walking junk pile, Norm.
Norm: But, Dad!
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: And I am NOT your father. I'm fairly sure about that.
Norm: B-b-b-b-but...

[last lines]
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Hey, buddy. Are you, eh... are you busy?
Norm: No. Not really.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: You know, Norm, it occurs to me that though I've never had a son, there is someone I can always count on to be there, someone I've begun to think of as family.
Norm: Yes?
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: And that someone is Perry the Platypus. See ya around, junk pile!
[Doofenshmirtz exits]
Norm: [brightly] Apology accepted, Dad.


"Phineas and Ferb: Skiddley Whiffers/Tour de Ferb (#3.10)" (2011)
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: You see, back in Gimmelshtoomp, in my youth when I was camping, I had this incident with a swarm of bees. I only got one sting but it did a lot of damage.
[flashback shows him attacked by bees, falling off a cliff, landing in a brier patch, bouncing into a cactus patch, and rolling through a field of fire hydrants]
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: I still have a hydrant stuck in my leg. See? I'd have it removed but the doctors say it's too close to an artery to operate. That kind of thing happens all the time in the woods!

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: [infecting the world with pop-up ads] The best part is that pop-up-adds will never go away. There's a little button that says "Click here to close" but - guess what? - it just opens another pop-up ad!

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: I know what you're thinking, but this is neither ironic nor funny.

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: [to a swarm of bees] You leave my baby girl alone!
Vanessa: Dad? What are you doing here? It's dangerous!
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: [sarcastically] Really? I hadn't noticed!


"Phineas and Ferb: Where's Perry? (Part Two) (#3.56)" (2012)
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: I don't know how I didn't see it before. He was... he was USING me!
Major Monogram: Dr. Doofenshmirtz!
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: I trusted him and he just cast me aside like a... like... like an old newspaper. He didn't even wrap fish in me.

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Wait a minute, wait a minute. How did you get the sunglasses to go on one side of your face. Who made these, M.C. Escher?
Major Monogram: He was a family friend. Now, get on the plane!

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: I'm building a Re-Good-inator solely from parts from this plane. Do you know how many evil scientists could actually accomplish this?
Major Monogram: I'll be impressed when we don't plummet to earth on fire.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Oh, stop panicking, Francis. I haven't even touched the main stabilizers... you know, yet.

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Wait, wait. You guys are gonna give me a ride back, aren't you?
Major Monogram: Sure, Heinz. After all, home is where the prisons are.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: You're kidding, right?
Major Monogram: Do you want a ride or not?
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Not if you're not kidding.


"Phineas and Ferb: Mission Marvel" (2013)
[from trailer]
Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: [typing] "OMG! I drained all the powers from a group of superheroes all the way in New York >:D >:D >:D"
[read as "peppy emoticon"]

[from trailer]
Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: I thought this was going to be a special extended episode!

[from trailer]
Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: [to Red Skull] Y'know, you really should use sunblock. Y-You're burned down to the bone.


"Phineas and Ferb: Sidetracked (#4.7)" (2013)
Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: [to Perry and Lyla] I've got a little math quiz for the both of you. If a train carrying precious Albert the Moose left British Columbia at eight o'clock in the morning, going eighty mile per hour, what time would it arrive at the Canada Day celebration? Answer: never! Because I've tied up the conductor, and taken control of the train using my remote control Train-Operator-inator! Right now, we are all headed to my scheme exchange partner's secret fortress.

Lyla Lolliberry: [to Doofenshmirtz] This evil exchange partner of yours, what his name?
Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: I think his name was Sir Railing, or Doctor Stairway, or something.
Lyla Lolliberry: Professor Bannister! Of course, my arch-nemesis.

Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: Is this an International team-up? Oh, you must hate that, Perry the Platypus, a loner like you.


"Phineas and Ferb: Mommy Can You Hear Me?/Road Trip (#3.9)" (2011)
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Luckily, Aaron's Deli was having a sale - half a gallon of chicken soup free with every forty-dollar purchase. All that chicken soup and it didn't cost me a nickel! Heh-hehh! Of course, I had to buy a lot of food, mostly deli meats. They're piled up in the halls. It's... kind of warm in there. I hope they keep.

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Parry the Platypus! Look, I don't know how you escaped or what you did with the other platypus but, here, these two-day-old bagels are harder than Bessemer steel! Have a nosh!
[begins throwing food menacingly]

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Well, let's see. I'm eastbound with a smoky on my twenty on a cab over Louie with... You know, I'm gonna level with ya. I-I don't know where I am or what I'm saying, really. Is... is there a code for that?
Dad: No worries, Miss. Just keep your metal up and your rubber down.


"Phineas and Ferb: No More Bunny Business/Spa Day (#2.16)" (2009)
Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: [to Perry about the new cat] I call him Mr. Fluffypants. You know, he's fluffy and he looks like he's got pants. Plus, he reminds me of my Uncle Fluffypants, who never actually wore any pants. Come to think of it, I don't know why we called him that.

Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: [to Perry] I just love giving people nicknames. For instance, you're Mr. Duck-Bill Face. And Major Monogram, I call him "Monobrow".
[laughs]
Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: That's a good one, you know, because he's... He's got the one, you know? And his little friend, the intern, is "Dr. Coconut"... Yeah. Sometimes, I wish I didn't know so much.

Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: [reading from a script] "Ah, Perry the Platypus! How unexpected for you to burst in my nefarious..." Nefarious? No, it's not. It's too much, even for me.


"Phineas and Ferb: The Mom Attractor/Cranius Maximus (#3.24)" (2012)
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: It is a well-known fact that no politician can pass up kissing a baby for fear of alienating the electorate. This can be risky, though, because if a baby cries, you can alienate the electorate even worse than if you refused to kiss the baby in the first place.

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: You know, you could have waited till I put my pants on. That would have at least been polite, and do you know what we do to rude people around here? We put them in a water-soluable capsule. Ha-HAA! And there's not enough platypus spit in the world to get you out of it.

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Keys! Keys! Keys! Master keys, skeleton keys, latch keys, skate keys... I love keys! And, you know, take it from me, once you've accidentally locked yourself in a milk can full of cockroaches for a couple hours, you'll... you'll develop a real appreciation.


"Phineas and Ferb: Ask a Foolish Question/Misperceived Monotreme (#3.5)" (2011)
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: So what am I gonna do with the Least-Likely-inator, you ask? Make my daughter obey me? Make my father love me? No! And double no! - well, maybe later - but first I'm gonna aim this bad boy at City Hall and zap by brother, the mayor, and he'll make a fool of himself in front of the legislature, which is the least likely thing he'd ever do. And the city will be forced to give the Tri-State area to me, his next of kin! - and don't tell me democracy doesn't work like that, Perry the Platypus! I don't want to hear it.

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Oh, I see what you're doing. You're messing with my head, trying to get into my mind, walk around in there, rearrange the furniture, maybe re-paint the kitchen.

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Okay, Perry the Platypus, the claws are off now! From here on in, I fight man-style!


"Phineas and Ferb: Meapless in Seattle (#3.22)" (2012)
Dr. Doofenschmirtz: What kind of a world are we living in where a guy can't down the contents of a mysterious urn found in a trench without undergoing major physical transmogrification, really?

Meap: Well, my little friend, it looks like we're about to meet our untimely demise.
Dr. Doofenschmirtz: Yeah, speak for yourself! I'm gonna try to land on you so you'll break my fall!
[commercial break]
Meap: My word, we've been falling for a long time!
Dr. Doofenschmirtz: Oh, a joke about the commercial break. Yeah, THAT'S how I wanna spend my last few seconds.

Dr. Doofenschmirtz: This is some rescue!


"Phineas and Ferb: Rollercoaster (#1.1)" (2007)
Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: [just noticing Perry] Ah, Perry the Platypus! What an unexpected surprise. And by unexpected, I mean completely expected!

Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: [after the tin foil has come off of the buildings and flying towards his lair] Well, that didn't work. And now we have a two-ton ball of tin foil traveling 200 miles an hour directly at us!

Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: You did it! You saved us, Perry the...
[tinfoil ball crashes into Dr. Doofenshmirtz's building]
Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: Curse you, Perry the Platypus!


"Phineas and Ferb: Candace Disconnected/Magic Carpet Ride (#3.6)" (2011)
Norm Head Prototype: That's great. We can spend the rest of the day working on your personality. Hey, this time, let's try to bump it up to a C-minus.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: You know, I'm starting to remember why I replaced you and put you in storage.

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Man, you tie a guy up and he gets all foot-stompy on you for no reason!

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Liar, liar, pantalones del fuego!


"Phineas and Ferb: Get That Bigfoot Outta My Face! (#1.17)" (2008)
Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: [upon seeing Perry] Perry the Platypus, what an unexpected surprise. And by unexpected, I really mean unexpected, what are you doing here, this is my week off.

Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: [summing up his Internet girlfriend] It's not the worse date I ever had. There was the one that kept stabbing me with the fork.

Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: Ah, Perry the platypus, as usual your timing is uncanny. And by uncanny, of course I mean... completely canny!


"Phineas and Ferb: Attack of the 50 Foot Sister/Backyard Aquarium (#2.5)" (2009)
Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: Say hallo to the platypus secret agent arrival in order to foil my evil plot capture-inator. Or as I like to call it, my PSAAIOTFMEPC-inator. I made it up myself.
[Later]
Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: Behold: The hotdog vendor revenge-inator. Or, my HDVR
[ahh]
Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: -inator. I have to work on my acronyms.

Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: [after trapping Perry] It's a cute little trap, isn't it? I got the idea at my cousin Gertrude's baby shower.
[Perry looks disappointed at the idea]
Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: Don't judge me! Men go to baby showers these days! It was fun. Presents, blindfolded diapering... I'm sorry. I'm off topic, aren't I?

Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: How do you like me now, Perry the Judge-ipus?


"Phineas and Ferb: Agent Doof/Phineas and Ferb and the Temple of Juatchadoon (#3.25)" (2012)
Major Monogram: Doofenshmirtz claims to have given up evil. He even signed this "I Give Up Evil" affidavit to apply for work at the agency - and normally we could have rejected him because he's not an animal, but, as it turns out, he was adopted by ocelots, making him, in the eyes of the law, an ocelot.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Rrreow!

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Oh, brother! 2000 was so 4000 days ago!

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Well, well, well, Ohio Flynn and Rhode Island Fletcher. What are you doing here?
Phineas: That depends. Why are you slow-clapping?
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: I don't know. I thought it would make my entrance more dramatic. And it totally worked.
Phineas: [to Ferb] You know, he's right. It WAS more dramatic.


"Phineas and Ferb: Phineas' Birthday Clip-O-Rama! (#3.3)" (2011)
[running gag line]
Dr. Doofenshmirtz, Mom, Phineas: ...if I had a nickel for every time I...

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Now let's light this pop-stand!

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: You may have escaped my TV trap, Perry the Platypus, but I'm still going to change your channel!


"Phineas and Ferb: For Your Ice Only/Happy New Year! (#4.1)" (2012)
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: [tasting an abominable marshmallow] Ooh, it's all marshmallowy and hairy. Not completely unlike summer camp.

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: [dressed up for New Year's Eve] How do I look?
Norm: Like a pharmacist in a bow tie.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Good enough.

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: [seeing Perry] Perry the Platypus? You can't come in here; this is a black-tie affair.
[Perry leaves, then returns, wearing a tux but no pants]
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Actually, I guess it doesn't really specify pants anywhere, so I guess you're okay.


"Phineas and Ferb: Don't Even Blink/Chez Platypus (#2.8)" (2009)
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: So how do you feel about evil?
Doofenshmirtz's Girlfriend: Huh? That's a weird question...
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Is it? I'm just making conversation.
Doofenshmirtz's Girlfriend: ...But I love it!

Doofenshmirtz's Girlfriend: I don't even put evil on my profile anymore because it attracts so many weirdos.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Don't I know it!

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Oh, Perry the Platypus! You must have noticed how I reinforced the locks... but, you know, not the door. Let's just get you out of there.
[tries to pull Perry out of the door]
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: You know, you're really trapped here... just... just like I planned! Obviously.


"Phineas and Ferb: Traffic Cam Caper (#1.32)" (2008)
Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: [dressed as a penguin] I used to have goals. They were evil goals, but they were goals.

Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: As they say in Mexico, "Dasvidaniya!" Down there, that's two vidaniyas.

Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: [about Perry taking Norm, the robot] Perry, the Platypus, I don't want to see one scratch on that machine!


"Phineas and Ferb: Sipping with the Enemy (#3.51)" (2012)
Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: No, no, you guys are nerds! I'm cool! Well, at least I would've been when I hit myself with the inator, which is now destroyed. CURSE YOU, PERRY THE PLATYPUS!

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Ah, waiter! Do you mind if I tell you my evil scheme? My nemesis didn't show up today and I still have to... get it out. I figured, since I'm getting nowhere with the older Tri-State population, maybe I should go for the younger demographic; so, behold, the Cool-inator! Well, you can't really behold it. It's... it's out in the car, but, trust me, it's behold-worthy. First, I will suck all the cool out of this place - it being the hippest coffee house in town - then I will blast myself with the cool concentrate, transforming into such an "awesome dude" that you, disaffected youth, will have no choice but to follow me blindly and help me, you know, take over the Tri-State Area!


"Phineas and Ferb: Not Phineas and Ferb/Phineas and Ferb-Busters (#2.29)" (2010)
Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: [inside Agent P's fedora] Hey, this place is nicer than my first apartment!

Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: [as his mecha tries to attack him] I'm feeling such an odd mixture of pride and mortal terror. Mostly terror!


"Phineas and Ferb: The Fast and the Phineas (#1.4)" (2008)
Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: [right before the machine explodes] I suppose I should've seen that coming.

Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: Ah, Perry the Platypus. I'm glad you're here. Actually, I was getting ready to serve some platypus under glass!
[springs trap]
Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: You're just in time to witness my latest invention. The deflatinator ray!


"Phineas and Ferb: What a Croc!/Ferb TV (#3.48)" (2012)
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Perry the Platyous, you are gonna get such a chickening.

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Prepare to meet your chicken!


"Phineas and Ferb: Perry the Actorpus/Bullseye! (#3.19)" (2011)
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: [surrounding Sergei the Snail with salt] Consider yourself assaulted! Ooo, I'm gonna have to write that one down.

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: What a guy! Not so famous you can't stop by and trounce an old nemesis.


"Phineas and Ferb: The Monster of Phineas-n-Ferbenstein (#1.40)" (2008)
Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: [as Dr. Jekyll after transforming into a pixie] You know, in hindsight, I regret even including a fairy princess dial. But you know, live and learn.

Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: [as Dr. Jekyll while franken-Perry is punching him] Wait, wait. Time out. Allow me one little drink before we continue. I-I'm parched.


"Phineas and Ferb: Run, Candace, Run/Last Train to Bustville (#3.2)" (2011)
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: So just because I miss a few payments, you're selling my building? And where am I supposed to get that much money on short notice?
Bank Worker: I'm sorry, Mr. Doof-Schmidt, those are the terms of your loan.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: The name is Doofenshmirtz, like... like in "Doofenshmirtz."

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: [the dodo egg hatches] It's wonderful! It's amazing! It's...
[sees the dodo]
Dodo: Narg narg narg! Narg!
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: It's... not quite as terrifying as I hoped.


"Phineas and Ferb: Bad Hair Day/Meatloaf Surprise (#3.7)" (2011)
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Ow! Shot in the butt while covered in honey and hair. What do you know? My horoscope was right.

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: In fact, I come from a long line of great meatloaf chefs. The recipe was first created by my great grandmother, Gretel Doofenshmirtz, who passed it down to my grandpa, Jose Doofenshmirtz - weird story there - then he passed it down to my mom, who passed it down to... Roger! Ugh! Naturally, I had to steal it from him, and when I did, I finally found out what the secret ingredient was. The secret ingredient... was hate. Usually it's love, but Great Grandma Gretel had some issues.


"Phineas and Ferb: I, Brobot (#1.8)" (2008)
Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: [to Perry] Too bad you don't believe in love... to bad!

Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: Perry, the platypus? How did you escape my net?... It was the mouse, wasn't it?


"Phineas and Ferb: Perry Lays an Egg/Gaming the System (#2.9)" (2009)
Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: Wait, wait... My evil plan isn't evil enough for you to foil, is that it? Really? I've just insulted the macaroni and cheese recipe of a whale. What part of that is not evil? Perry the platypus, you get back here and thwart me this instant!

Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: Thwart me, Perry the Platypus.


"Phineas and Ferb: Run Away, Runway (#1.9)" (2008)
Vanessa: So Dad, this... plan is evil, right?
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Why, yes, yes, it is. Nice to see your taking the interest in the family business.

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: [boasting of his latest evil scheme] Soon, there will be nothing that can withstand the wrath of Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz!
Vanessa: Doctor? Since when are you a doctor?
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: [showing Vanessa a degree] They don't give these out to just anybody, you know.
Vanessa: [seeing a price tag conspicuously dangling from the degree] Anybody with fifteen bucks, they do.


"Phineas and Ferb: The Magnificent Few (#1.10)" (2008)
Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: [making a notation on a taperecorder] Note to self: My evil deed for tomorrow, fire the maid.

Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: Ah, Perry the Platypus. As usual, your timing is uncanny. And by uncanny, I mean completely canny!


"Phineas and Ferb: Candace Loses Her Head (#1.7)" (2008)
Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: [with Perry in the hub trying to get to the surface] I hate to a stickler but the lava is coming again! Faster!

Hub Computer Voice: Hub is overheating... Hub is overheating.
Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: [seeing the magma, beat] The molten lava at the Earth's core completely slipped my mind.


"Phineas and Ferb: The Belly of the Beast/Moon Farm (#3.4)" (2011)
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Oh, sure. I reach out to you and then you do the emergency faceplate ejector thing.

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: I'm not gonna let that guy make me look like a nincom...
[Perry aims the Moisture-Suckinator at Doofenshmirtz]
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: [seeing he's about to get shot] ... Oh, poop.


"Phineas and Ferb: The Baljeatles/Vanessassary Roughness (#2.15)" (2009)
Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: Curse you, Perry the... wait, is that the Baljeatles?


"Phineas and Ferb: One Good Scare Ought to Do It! (#1.39)" (2008)
Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: [Agent P confronts Dr. Doofenshmirtz on his island hideout] You see, Perry the Platypus, this secret hideout doesn't actually belong to me. It belonged to my mentor, Professor Destructicon. Kevin, to his friends. Sadly, he was just captured in the midst of his latest plan to set fire to the sun! Redundant, perhaps. But before they locked him away, Kevin asked a favor of me: to prevent them from discovering his hidden lair and all its secrets, would I please SET FIRE TO THE SUN! I was like, dude, you really got to let that one go, it's a ball of fire! It makes no sense.


"Phineas and Ferb: I Scream, You Scream (#1.15)" (2008)
Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: Then no one can stop the wrath of Dr Heinz Doofenshmirtz!
Vanessa: Doctor? Since when are you a doctor?
Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: [Shows her his certificate] They don't just give these to anybody, you know.
Vanessa: [Looks at certificate's price tag] Anybody with $15, they do...
Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: [Snatches certificate from her] OK, that's enough looking.


"Phineas and Ferb: Make Play (#2.64)" (2011)
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: [to Perry the Platypus] So, let me tell you my evil scheme. Not too long ago, I used to sit right over there and watch free movies on the drive-in movie screen across the street. Of course, I didn't get the sound, so I'd make up my own dialogue. It was fun!
[changes voice to sound deeper and more gruff]
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Sheila, I love you, but now I have to defuse this bomb.
[normal voice]
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: See, good stuff! Gripping.
[looks out the window]
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: But now look, they built a giant condominium blocking my view. I tried to make a dialogue for it.
[deep, gruff voice]
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: I'm a condominium, I'm just standing here.
[normal voice]
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: See, where's the fun in that? It's always the same. "I'm a building." There's no story. I know what you're thinking, why don't I move my armchair over to that window with the unblocked view? Well, I would also need to move this little table and the lamp, and this is the only electrical outlet. It seems easier to get rid of the building.


"Phineas and Ferb: The Great Indoors/Canderemy (#3.1)" (2011)
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Wow, I set up this whole thing with lasers and flypaper, falling cages, spinning platforms, on the way to a trapdoor and you just come and slip on a chair, and waste a day's worth of work. Eh.
[Perry emerges from the hole in the ground in a green glass tube]
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: But it's gonna look great on the Christmas party gag reel!
[laughs]
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Of course, it'll just be me at the party, uh... yeah.
[sighs]
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: I need a laugh at the holidays.


"Phineas and Ferb: Journey to the Center of Candace (#1.22)" (2008)
Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: Perry the Platypus, I... You know, we always do the same thing. I have a scheme, you try to stop me, I trap you, I tell you my scheme, you escape, then we fight, and I'm defeated. Let's mix it up a little!


"Phineas and Ferb: Invasion of the Ferb Snatcher/Ain't No Kiddie Ride (#2.28)" (2010)
Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: Ah, Perry the Platypus, how predictable. And by "predictable", I mean completely... um... dictable, I guess.


"Phineas and Ferb: That's the Spirit/The Curse of Candace (#3.12)" (2011)
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Yeah, I had to place myself in restraints. There's a perfectly good explanation, though. It all started a couple of days ago when I declared war on grass. It's-it's not important WHY, exactly. L-let's just say grass got on my bad side. Grass and me, we're on the outs, big time, so I got myself a cow - the natural predator of grass. It was slow going. What I needed was a cow that was motivated not by hunger but by a powerful hatred of grass, like... like my own burning antipathy, so I invented the Mind-Transfer-inator to give that cow a piece of my mind. And, as it turns out, cow brain... not a lot of room in there for new ideas.


"Phineas and Ferb: A Hard Day's Knight (#1.31)" (2008)
Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: Perry the Platypus, your dragon robot is no match for my Queen Elizabeth the first... robot. Do you want to switch? Come on, be a sport!


"Phineas and Ferb: Phineas and Ferb: Summer Belongs to You! (#2.34)" (2010)
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: According to the SPG, Vanessa's in some place called "siraP". Hmm...
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: [Perry turns the GPS around] Oh, Paris! That makes a lot more sense. That's actually where she wanted to go. Good for her.


"Phineas and Ferb: Thaddeus and Thor/De Plane! De Plane! (#2.11)" (2009)
Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: Back story time! You see, Perry the Platypus, when I was boy my mother would never let me swim in public pools.
[flashes back to Heinz as a child standing with his mother near a public pool; he looks at her longingly]
Dr. Doofenshmirtz's Mom: No.
[back to reality]
Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: What? That's it! You know, not every back story has to have some big, in-depth spiel, Mr. High Expectations.


"Phineas and Ferb: Day of the Living Gelatin!/Elementary, My Dear Stacy (#2.6)" (2009)
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Perry the Platypus! Well, who's your little friend here?
Agent Double-00: I'm Agent Double-00, of Her Majesty's secret service.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Double-00? Isn't that just triple 0?
Agent Double-00: No, that's not how it's said.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: It spells "ooo", doesn't it?
Agent Double-00: It's "Double-00"!
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: He's "P" and you're "ooo", so together, you spell...
Agent Double-00: No, they're not "O"s, they're zeroes, alright?
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: I was just gonna say "ooop". Looks like I struck a nerve there!


"Phineas and Ferb: It's About Time! (#1.20)" (2008)
Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: Perry the Platypus, I'm so sorry I hurt you when I wasn't actually trying to hurt you. If you give me another chance, I promise to hurt you in the right way with cartoonish physical violence and elaborate traps constructed out of strange things I purchased over the internet. What do you say?


"Phineas and Ferb: Bee Day/Bee Story (#4.9)" (2013)
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: [to Perry] Hey, great costume, that's the bee's knees, or, you know, wings, in this case.


"Phineas and Ferb: Phineas and Ferb Christmas Vacation (#2.24)" (2009)
Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: I have an intense, burning indifference.


"Phineas and Ferb: Fly on the Wall/My Sweet Ride (#4.2)" (2013)
Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: Wait, no, no! Don't open the door, you'll let in Perry the Platypus!
Vanessa: You know he'll just blow the door down if you don't open it.
[opens door revealing Perry holding a bazooka]
Vanessa: Come in, Perry. Toodles!
[leaves]
Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: I'm worried about her, Perry the Platypus.
[turns to Perry]
Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: Hey! You *were* going to to blow down my door!


"Phineas and Ferb: Star Wars" (2014)
Darthenshmirtz: Now I can live to fight in the sequel.


"Phineas and Ferb: The Bully Code/Finding Mary McGuffin (#2.21)" (2009)
Vanessa Doofenshmirtz: Dad, what are you doing here? This isn't your weekend.
Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: Yes, yes, I know, but I have a surprise for you and I just couldn't wait!
Vanessa Doofenshmirtz: [excited] A surprise? Really?
Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: Yes, it's something you've always wanted. Something you've asked for time and time again. In my hand, I hold the key to...
Vanessa Doofenshmirtz: My new car!
Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: [holds up Mary McGuffin doll] No, your happiness!


"Phineas and Ferb: Doofapus (#3.53)" (2012)
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: How did this come to be? Well, I'll tell you, since you didn't ask.