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: [after a bomb explodes in Castle
] Did you feel that? Jeff Barnes
: I haven't felt anything in years.
: You hid Kevin Bacon in the air duct? Jeff Barnes
: If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, you can eat it. Lester Patel
: He lives by a strange philosphy of karma and diet. It combines the two. It's horrible.
: [after Lester sings
] Lester... that was... Lester Patel
: Shh. I know, baby. I know. Jasina
: The most uncomfortable 5 minutes of the life!
[Starts to leave
] Lester Patel
: Wait. Wait. Wait! I want to get married! Jasina
: Try the internet!
: I just want to be free, Big Mike. But my control-freak parents - have arranged a marriage for me. Big Mike
: Mmmm. First generation woes. Tough stuff. Lester Patel
: It's like they're stuck in the ways of their old country. With their - with their dated traditions and obsolete dietary restrictions. I keep telling them. I live in the United States of America now! I'm not in - Canada anymore! Big Mike
: Y-you mean India, right? Lester Patel
: What? No. I'm from Saskatchewan. The hinjews of Saskatchewan. Some thought we were a cult of some sort.
: Relax Morgan. All you have to do is convince Anna that moving in with you is a bad idea. Morgan Grimes
: Okay. How am I going to do... Lester Patel
: Shh. Morgan, uh, you've come to the right place.
[Quietly in Morgan's ear
] Lester Patel
: Repulsion is our business. Jeff Barnes
: Business is good.
: [Morgan doesn't want Anna moving in with him
] You've come to the right place. Repulsion is our business. Jeff
: And business is good.
: You are my future step-father. This will not stand! Now come on - we're men! Men who take what's theirs! You have to march into that house, slam your fist on the counter. And then you look at my mother in the *eye* and you say "Bologna, I am so sorry *woman*... but I have to work at the Buy More all weekend." You see, this way when she asks me, I'll say "Yeah, we have all this new inventory and we have to work around the clock." Boom! Lester Patel
: Boom! Morgan Grimes
: Heh. Big Mike
: The greatest thing... a white person's ever done for me.
: I could be as funs as Vegas. 'Cause this weekend is-is about bonding after all, isn't it? Lester Patel
: No. No it isn't. Big Mike
: Not at all. It's about mistakes and gambling. And - and getting into some weird stuff that just may haunt you the rest of your life. Lester Patel
: Amen, Michael.
: [about Casey
] He's not a man. Jeff Barnes
: He's an animal. Lester Patel
: Like Jeff, but undulled by drink or drug, and more dangerous because of it. We demand justice! At least a humiliating apology.
: Yeah, we're cool. *If* we seal our newfound understanding in that time tested way, by breaking freshly baked bread together, right? I think that's - JEFFERSON?
[Jeff puts the sandwich down
] Lester Patel
: Mind you there's *literally* now way of knowing where this guy's mouth has been before this: fire hydrants, diseased animals, puppets.
Nathan 'Ned' Rhyerson
: Could someone please tell me who's in charge here? Anna Wu
, Lester Patel
, Jeff Barnes
] Chuck! Chuck Bartowski
: Actually, I'm not technically in charge.
Nathan 'Ned' Rhyerson
: Chuck, you've been such a good friend to me, so I'm going to return the favor. I'm going to let your girlfriend go. Chuck Bartowski
: No! Ellie Bartowski
: Chuck? Jeff Barnes
: Ouch! Lester Patel
: Yikes! It'll be a cold Christmas a the Bartowskis. Buy More employee
: Oh no he didn't!
: Gentlemen, I think I speak for all of us when I say that the only reason I took this job at the Buy More was to do as little work as humanly possible.
[Jeff and Les nod
] Morgan Grimes
: The big man has made that dream a reality. Lester Patel
: The man's an inspiration to slackers everywhere. Jeff
: Until his old lady dumped him. Morgan Grimes
: We're screwed! I mean screwed now that he has nothing to live for except work.
: [about a depressed Big Mike
] Gentlemen. I think that I speak for all of us when I say that the only reason that I took this job at the Buy More was to do as little work as humanly possible. The big man, he made that dream a reality. Lester Patel
: That man is an inspiration to slackers everywhere.
: They're not moving fast enough. We're gonna have a Pineapple situation. Lester
: What's a Pineapple situation?
: Jeff and Lester can't handle it. They're hiding. Morgan Grimes
: What are you guys doing? Lester
: Dude, it is *not* safe out there! Jeff
: Someone *touched* me!
: Wow, Morgan they look great. Lester Patel
: I may look good. But I feel like an *idiot*. Jeff
: Anyone sees or hears about this, my rep is ruined.
: I mean people, do you have any idea what working with fried food will do to my complexion? Jeff
: I can't leave the Buy More. I won't survive in the real world. I'm institutionalized.
: When did this happen? Lester Patel
: During the night. Look on the bright side, we don't have to buy TP for years. Jeff
: Why start now?
: Alright, we all know the game, we all know the rules, this is Fingers of Furry. The win goes to the contestant who can identify the most TV shows in a minute.
] Anna Wu
: Alright, who do you want next? Lester
: I challenge, the ruling champion Morgan Grimes! Morgan Grimes
: That's Mr. Morgan Grimes, if you're nasty. Jeff
: Oh the suspense. Morgan Grimes
: You don't want me punk. Lester
: Oh yes I do. Morgan Grimes
: Challenge accepted.
: [the other inmates have Casey restrained
] Hey! You touch one hair on his head and I will pull your plug! Mark my words, son. Or your nights will get real long - *real* long. Step back!
[Everyone backs away
: Is it strange that all the new employees have been named Greta? Chuck Bartowski
: Strange? What's strange about it? Doesn't seem strange to me at all. Jeff Barnes
: Who cares as long as they're spicy. Lester Patel
: That's strange that you don't find that strange. But speaking of strange, you've been giving off some real sad sack vibes, Charles. Bit of a whiny wuss if you ask me.
: Dude keeps a Chuck diary. Lester Patel
: [shows the diary
] Bathroom visits, and durations. Jeff Barnes
: Keys. Duct tape. High grade chloroform... Devon 'Captain Awesome' Woodcomb
: Whoa. Jeff Barnes
: From one stalker to another, I'm impressed.
: Well, I hate to be the one to tell you this - I don't really - but Morgan is in a, um,
] Lester Patel
: very bad place. Anna Wu
: Oh my God! Is he okay? Jeff Barnes
: No. He's focused, responsible, driven. Pains me to see a man wind up like that. Lester Patel
: Pathetic. Anna Wu
: Nice try. He can't have changed that much.
[Morgan appears wearing a tux
: [while watching a video Lester made for the rehearsal dinner
] Stop. Stop! Stop! Please make it stop! Oh God! Devon 'Captain Awesome' Woodcomb
: Dude. Dude. That's just unholy. Lester Patel
: Thank you.
: [to Hannah
] What are you doing Friday? You wanna hang in my van? Lester Patel
: What about Thursday? And I'm disease free. I don't think Mr. Barnes here can say that. Jeff Barnes
: That's low. Lester Patel
: All's fair, kiddo.
: What is that guy's secret with women? Has he got some kind of deal with the devil? Jeff Barnes
: I've narrowed it down: either mind controlling LSD or sorcery.
: [looking at Chuck's destroyed hard drive
] No, I've been through it. It's dead, it's totally fried. This hard drive was... murdered. Jeff
: What if you were the unwitting target of a ninja vendetta, and he returns tonight to strangle you with his nunchuks? Chuck Bartowski
: That's super, Jeff. Thanks for thinking outside the box on that one. And here I thought I couldn't get any more freaked out.
: [as they're analyzing the Omen virus
] Imagine a world without the Internet. What if it's up to us. Two Buy More employees left to stop the Omen Virus - save the world. Jeff Barnes
: Come on, the government has their best people working on this, right?
: We're staging a revolution here. John Casey
: I want in! Lester Patel
: How do we know we can trust you, son? That you're not some kind of spy for the Man. John Casey
: Because the only thing I hate more than hippy neo-liberal facists anarchists, are the hypocrit fat cat suits they eventually become!
Devon 'Captain Awesome' Woodcomb
: Jeff, you need to see a doctor, man. I'm worried you might damage your brain. Lester Patel
: [Looking at Clara while talking to Awesome
] Jeffrey doesn't have a brain, silly pants.
: [as Jeffster is performing outside the Buy More
] Hey! Lester Patel
: Yes? Customer
: Please stop.
[Hands Lester a wade of cash
] Lester Patel
: Awkward and cruel. But not incorrect. Because you are playing with no soul. You are souless in Seattle.
: Yeah, sure it's going to blow their minds, but uh, where does all this *lead*? Stadium, groupies, creative differences? And then what? Jeffster breaks up? That's you and me, Jeff! And then what's my fate? Some chambermaid finds me in some hotel room having accidentally asphyxiated while making love to myself! It's not worth it!
[Storms out. Jeff turns and faces Ellie and Awesome
: He's such a tortured artist.
: You know there's pills for this.
[Chuck notices Les next to him
] Lester Patel
: Easy. Easy, buddy. This is all in your head. You have to get over this. I mean, come on. You really expect to keep a girl like that without flashing?
: [as Security Guards are dragging them out the hospital
] No. No! We did what we came here to do, Jeffrey. Cover song to cover song. We are shaping the youth of America! Jeff Barnes
: I'm not allowed to do that any more.
: [Referring to the exotic dancers
] Wait Jeffrey. Isn't that your sister? Jeff Barnes
: She gave us the deal.
: Morgan's right. We've got to tap into a place that so scary, so demented that it will change Halloween as we know it. We gotta tap... into your head. Jeff Barnes