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Lance
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Quotes for
Lance (Character)
from Sex Drive (2008)

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Sex Drive (2008)
Lance: I refuse to be embarrassed by a car that looks like a Trapper Keeper.

Thug Prisoner: Hey! Hey ladies.
Lance: Hey how about you sit the fuck back down before me and you have a problem.
Thug Prisoner: How about you just, uh... chill out man. Be cool.
Lance: Alright we good?
Thug Prisoner: Yea, we're good.

Ian: [handing Felicia a new t-shirt] Another one for the collection.
Felicia: Oh, cool. Thanks.
[she stares at nothing leaning on the GTO]
Ian: What?
[she points down on the car roof. Lance is on the back seat comforting a sobbing Brandy]
Lance: It's okay, Brandy. it's okay, baby, don't cry.
Ian: Lance, what are you doing?
Lance: Dude, you should be ashamed of yourself, because I'm just trying to show another human being a little compassion.
[pause]
Lance: And my dick.

Lance: Hey, Ian, Felicia. This is my boy Ezekiel.
Ezekiel: What up, English?

Ian: There's no service out here. I can't even tell her I'll be late.
Lance: Good. That's perfect. Keep her waiting. You don't want to come off as desperate.
Ian: I'm driving nine hours. How am I not coming off desperate?
Lance: We had shit to do?

[Ezechiel comes out from the barn where the GTO is on repair]
Ezekiel: Uh-oh. See that creamy stuff? You blew your head gasket. That's not good.
Ian: Shit.
Ezekiel: Dont' cry. We can fix it.
Ian: Really?
Ezekiel: Yeah, really. We're good at it.
Ian: Yeah?
Ezekiel: Yeah, I didn't mean to undersell it, but it's an impressive thing. Yeah, we'll fix it.
Ian: Wow, that'd be cool.
Ezekiel: Yeah, would be cool, wouldn't it? I might be the coolest guy you ever met.
Ian: Wow.
Ezekiel: Wow.
Ian: Thank you.
Ezekiel: Yeah, you're welcome. That's what you say when people do nice things for you. You know, there's a pretty big shindig shaping up next door if you guys want to hang there while we work on it. Take it easy while we do all this - for you.
[he turns to the barn]
Ian: Does he have an attitude?
Lance: No, he's fucking with you.

Lance: Just relax, man. I got a good feeling about this, you know. We're gonna party with the Amish!
Felicia: Yeah, I'm sure it's gonna be one kick-ass quilting bee.
[They see Fall Out Boy downloading amps and instruments]
Peter Wentz: What's up, man?
Ian: Hey.
Felicia: [astonished] No effing way!

Lance: Dude, what the fuck?
Ian: I don't want her along.
Lance: Oh, really? You don't want to bring Yoko on your sex trip? Yeah, no shit. She's always cock-blocking you.
Ian: No, she isn't. She doesn't even have a...
Lance: Okay, twat blocking. Professor.

Lance: I can't believe I'm banging an Amish chick. I mean, seriously, what are the odds?

Ian: Is there a cock and ball on the front of me again?
Lance: Like a little tree trunk.

Brandy: You ever had a peppermint fatty?
Lance: No. Let's have that. See how that shoe fits.
[Brandy pops peppermint in her mouth, begins sucking his penis]
Lance: That is curiously strong. I feel like my dick's been bar mitzvahed.

Ian: [pointing to the redneck] You, Cornfed! You can punch my friend here, but just once.
Lance: Wait what? Come on man!
Ian: Dude, you slept with his girlfriend!
Lance: But...
Ian: AND he drove all this way.
Lance: ...All right.

Felicia: Oh dude, don't even bother. Your game is not going to work on that girl.
Lance: What do you know about girls? I've never even seen you with a girl.

Lance: It's like knives!