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Quotes for
Waitress (Character)
from "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" (2005)

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"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Mac Bangs Dennis' Mom (#2.4)" (2006)
Dennis Reynolds: What the hell is she doing here?
Waitress: What the hell is she doing here? Really? Really. I'll tell you what I'm doing here. You wanna know what I'm doing here, shit-for-brains? I had sex with your dad! That's right! I had sex with your father, because just like you, I like my sex old and ugly! And with fake hair on their heads that falls off when you're having sex with them! It just falls off, because that's what you do, Dennis Reynolds - you like to have sex with old people! And you said that you loved me! You said "I love you", and so I thought "Okay, well, I love you too"! How do you show love? You go and have sex with old people, SO THAT'S WHAT I DID TOO!

Waitress: I'm going to stab him, I'm going to stab his face off!

Waitress: No, I'm not going to ask you inside, Dennis.
Dennis Reynolds: Why not?
Waitress: Because... I really... like you.
Dennis Reynolds: Well, yeah, I mean... I really like you, too...
Waitress: Then let's just take it slow, okay?
Dennis Reynolds: Wait, wait... Uh... I... love... you...
Waitress: ...Ha! I... I kinda don't know what to say!
Dennis Reynolds: I kinda don't want you to say anything.
[the Waitress leans in for a kiss. Dennis' phone rings]
Dennis Reynolds: Hold that thought.
[turns away, takes call]
Dennis Reynolds: Yo.
Charlie Kelly: I'm ready to talk.
Dennis Reynolds: Cuttin' it pretty close there, pal. I almost sealed the deal.
Charlie Kelly: Just meet me at Paddy's and we'll work it all out.
[hangs up, Dennis turns back to the Waitress]
Waitress: Heh, sorry about that. I feel like maybe I was being a little judgmental.
Dennis Reynolds: You're good! Haha.
Waitress: Haha, okay. Well let's go.
Dennis Reynolds: No. Uh, you were right, I sh... I'm gonna go. Yeah. I'm gonna go now, we should take it slow - you were right.
Waitress: Really? Because I... don't... need to now...
Dennis Reynolds: [starts walking away] I think it's good, I think it's real good.
Waitress: Call me!
Dennis Reynolds: Ahahahaha!

Dennis Reynolds: Hey!
Waitress: Dennis, hey!
Dennis Reynolds: Got somethin' for ya.
Waitress: What?
[Dennis gives her flowers]
Waitress: Really?
Dennis Reynolds: Yeah!
Waitress: Wow, oh, thank you! That's really nice.
Dennis Reynolds: Can I take your coat?
Waitress: Uh, are we staying here?
Dennis Reynolds: No no, I just want to have a look at what you're wearing.
Waitress: Ah, haha, okay.
[takes off coat, poses for Dennis]
Waitress: So, what do you think?
Dennis Reynolds: Yyyyeah, okay... that'll work. Are you not wearing make up?
Waitress: ...I'm wearing make up.
Dennis Reynolds: Really?
Waitress: Yeah.
Dennis Reynolds: Do you have any more?

"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Sells Out (#3.7)" (2007)
Dee Reynolds: [to Dennis] Well, while you've been picking up bar whores, I've been double-dropping like a bastard out there.
Waitress: Oh my God, you're double-dropping again, Dee?
Dee Reynolds: Oh, I never stopped double-dropping.

Waitress: Wow, why are you so sweaty?
Charlie Kelly: It's really hot in here.
Waitress: It's not hot, it's freezing.
Charlie Kelly: It's freezing, isn't it? They are blazing that AC.

"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Dances Their Asses Off (#3.15)" (2007)
Waitress: I'm gonna go grind a homeless guy!

Waitress: Dennis Reynolds, I trusted you!
Dennis Reynolds: Why?

"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Gives Back (#2.6)" (2006)
Waitress: I wrote down my phone number. Please. Please, Charlie. Please don't make me regret giving this to you.
Charlie Kelly: No, absolute... absolutely not. No, this will be a platonic sponsor-sponsoree kind of thing.
[waitress gives Charlie her phone number]
Charlie Kelly: [upon reading it, muttering to himself] Oh. No shit! I was so close.

"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Gets Racist (#1.1)" (2005)
[the waitress overhears Charlie saying something racist]
Waitress: Coffee, Hitler? I'll be sure to put lots of cream in that for you.
Charlie Kelly: No, I'm not Adolf Hitler.

"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Group Dates (#10.2)" (2015)
Dennis Reynolds: This is a promise ring. So from now on, Waitress, I promise to be nice and true.
Waitress: I have a name.

"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Who Pooped the Bed? (#4.7)" (2008)
Dee Reynolds: You should know how to hold your booze a little better.
Waitress: [wasted] I'll hold your boobs a little better...

"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Mac's Banging the Waitress (#4.4)" (2008)
Mac: Maybe a little bit later we can do some hand stuff?
Waitress: Are you in junior high?
Mac: Mouth stuff?
Waitress: Oh, my God.
Mac: Mouth stuff.