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Quotes for
Mortimer Snerd (Character)
from "What's My Line?" (1950)

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Fun & Fancy Free (1947)
Edgar Bergen: Now, Luana, how would you like another piece of cake or some ice cream?
Luana Patten: No, thank you. I'm full up.
Edgar Bergen: Some candy?
Charlie McCarthy: Care for a cigar?
Luana Patten: Me?
[everyone laughs]
Edgar Bergen: How about you, Mortimer?
Mortimer Snerd: Uh... I don't smoke.
Edgar Bergen: I don't mean that.

Mortimer Snerd: [referring to giant footprints] Oh, gosh! Who made them?
Charlie McCarthy: Well, it wasn't Cinderella.

Charlie McCarthy: Well, Donald may be nuts, but he's got the right idea. Kill the cow.
Luana Patten: Oh, no, Charlie! The cow was their best friend.
Charlie McCarthy: Well, a friend in need is a friend indeed.
Edgar Bergen: So what?
Charlie McCarthy: So, they need some steak.
Mortimer Snerd: No! If you're gonna kill the cow, I don't wanna hear the rest of the story!

Luana Patten: But why did the giant want to steal the harp?
Edgar Bergen: Because he was cruel and selfish. He didn't care what happened to the valley. He just wanted someone to sing him to sleep.
Mortimer Snerd: Well, why didn't he turn on the radio?
Edgar Bergen: Well, they didn't have radios in those days.
Charlie McCarthy: Yeah. That's why they called it Happy Valley.

[Willie is sniffing around his table while Mickey and the others are trying to avoid getting caught]
Charlie McCarthy: Hey, giant! You're getting warm!
Mortimer Snerd: Well, don't tell him!
Charlie McCarthy: Behind the jar, stupid!
Luana Patten: Charlie!

Luana Patten: What happened to all the people?
Edgar Bergen: Well, suppose we look in on these humble peasants.
Mortimer Snerd: Is that a peasant?
Charlie McCarthy: That's a cow, stupid.
Luana Patten: Well, at least they had milk.
Edgar Bergen: Well, she used to be a good milker, but now...
Charlie McCarthy: She's an udder failure.

Edgar Bergen: Are you listening, Mortimer?
Mortimer Snerd: Uh... Happy Valley?
Edgar Bergen: That's right, yes. Now, just try to imagine it. Can't you just close your eyes and see it?
Mortimer Snerd: Well, I can't see very good with my eyes closed. My eyelids get in the way.
Edgar Bergen: Well, you create a picture in your mind's eye.
Mortimer Snerd: Oh.
Charlie McCarthy: That's not easy for him. His mind gets in the way.

Willie the Giant: [lifts the roof off of Edgar Bergen's house] Hey, has anybody seen anything of a teensy-weensy, little mouse?
Edgar Bergen: No, I-I-I...
[faints]
Luana Patten: Oh, Mr. Bergen!
Charlie McCarthy: Bergen, speak to me! Speak to me!
Willie the Giant: What's the matter with him? Something he ate?
Mortimer Snerd: No, it's uh, it's a fig... fig... figmentation of his imagination.
Willie the Giant: No!
Mortimer Snerd: Yeah. Well, good night, Willie. Don't slam the roof. You might wake Mr. Bergen.
[laughs]

Luana Patten: What did the giant look like?
Edgar Bergen: Well, he was, oh... I'll try and show you.
[He turns on a lamp and aims it at the wall]
Edgar Bergen: He looked something like this.
[Makes a shadow puppet of a pig]
Mortimer Snerd: Looks like my pig, Snedly.
Charlie McCarthy: Never mind the self-portraits.
Edgar Bergen: Well, no, that isn't right. He looked more like... More like this.
[Makes shadow puppet of Willie the Giant]
Edgar Bergen: There he is now. And the giant came home for dinner, roaring...
Charlie McCarthy: [Steps in front of spotlight] ... drunk.
Edgar Bergen: [as Willie] I was not!
Edgar Bergen: [Normal] I mean, he was not.
Edgar Bergen: [as Willie] No.
Edgar Bergen: Down the castle hall he came, roaring..."Fee! Fi! Fo! Fum!"

Edgar Bergen: [Mortimer is crying because Willie got killed] What I'm trying to explain, Mortimer, is that Willie the Giant didn't actually exist.
Mortimer Snerd: No?
Edgar Bergen: No. He's a metaphysical phenomenon of your subconscious mind, a phantasmagoria of your mental faculties.
Mortimer Snerd: Yeah?
Edgar Bergen: In other words, just a figment of your imagination.
Mortimer Snerd: No!
Edgar Bergen: Yes. So there's nothing to be upset about.

Mickey Mouse: How'd you get here?
Singing Harp: I was kidnapped by that wicked giant!
Mickey Mouse: Oh. What? A giant?
Mortimer Snerd: A giant?
Luana Patten: A giant?
Jiminy Cricket: A giant?
Edgar Bergen: Bigger than forty men!
Mortimer Snerd: Oh, no!
Edgar Bergen: An ogre who had the power to turn himself into anything, man or beast!
Jiminy Cricket: That calls for a drink!

Edgar Bergen: Yes, it was one of nature's garden spots, nestled among the green, rolling hills. Can't you see the lovely brook as it flows through the valley?
Mortimer Snerd: Mmm. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Edgar Bergen: The winding roads, line with stately trees.
Mortimer Snerd: Trees. Yeah.
Edgar Bergen: Lush fields and prosperous farms dot the landscape.
Mortimer Snerd: L-Landscape. Yeah.
Edgar Bergen: And high on a hilltop overlooking the valley, shining like a jewel, stands...
Mortimer Snerd: My red barn.
Edgar Bergen: No, no. It was something much nicer. It was a majestic castle.

Ophelia: Well, good night, Luana.
Luana Patten: Good night, Ophelia.
Ophelia: Bonne nuit, Mortimer.
Mortimer Snerd: Uh... ma'am?
Ophelia: Bonne nuit.
Mortimer Snerd: Oh, yes, ma'am. Yeah, yeah. Bunny. Uh bunny, bunny wee, bunny wee. Bun-Uh... uh, I don't know no bunny wee.


One Hour in Wonderland (1950) (TV)
Edgar Bergen: What's the matter, Mortimer, car sick?
Mortimer Snerd: No, I'm sick.

Kathryn Beaumont: Mortimer, you musn't be afraid of people. Goodness, I'm only a girl.
Mortimer Snerd: That's the worst kind.